NASA Scientists Plan To Approach Girl By 2018

[RedSky1643]

God speed, gentlemen.

[Load0Sheep]

I'M GOING TO URANUS !

[TheAnToOo9]

I found your joke, do you know how much a polar bear weighs?

[MrMbogza]

@TheAnToOo9 enough to break the ice ?

[MercedesCars454]

Lol Nasa engineers would do this

[UnknownXV]

900 million dollars? Damn that's one cheap woman!

[undergroundvillain]

Scarlett Johansson, lmfao.

[YamiCassie]

157 people prematurely launched their own operations and failed

[SMMsideproject]

I read the title and I died laughing

[funnyfulable]

@bim2+4 if your not mentally retarded you would know that it's fake

[yaosio]

Phase 2 is very difficult, if they did not plan for every possibility they will be forced to abort the mission and wait for a new window to open.

[guitarist8983]

masturbating furiously while hating ourselves for it 2:07

[kaniblurous]

HAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHA

[soccerdude120]

it would just be cheaper to get a escort spend 2 months on research to determine the type of escorst Step 2 incolves narrowing peraminters probably a week and then make a decision which would be done in a week. total cost $ 120,000.

[Enthernal0]

I'm surprised they didn't calculate the approximate trajectory, momentum and destination of the target's life and didn't plan out the chances yet.

I find it hard that NASA, Nerd's Associated (Venusian) Search and Aspiration didn't find multiple targets in case of failure, either. However, the recent population crisis may be the cause of them not creating backup plans. Looking back at their previous successes, however, I believe it will not fail and help the community evolve.

[Oldasiankid]

@bim2x4 Looks kinda fake? "Oh this comedy news network doesn't seem to have legit news." I wonder why. I wonder why... Seriously it's so obvious. $900,000,000 to approach a girl?

[Hikarilover123]

Curious. By 2018, the Humans VS Bears War of 2018 will commence, not giving enough space to plan. We must take it back a year and measure the orbital wobble of the planet. Taking the distance of the moon and the lighting of the area, NASA could easily see the 78 percent chance of accomplishment in the mission. This could very well be the best operation since the moon landing.

[concealedknight]

They should just go there themselves. It is an easy mission and the target is on Earth. 

[CivilSerpant]

you know they do this for real

[bim2x4]

I don't know about this. Looks kind of fake and also why would NASA spend $900 million for something like this?

I wouldn't take this too seriously you guys. I mean, it's possible this is real but I wouldn't be surprised if this fake though.

Just my three cents.

[falo1324]

@bim2x4 youre not funny

[IPawnt]

@bim2x4 wow you are so hilarious. i am definitely laughing from your comment. ha. ha.

[diyroof]

Eye-popping! Want much more!!!

[thechurchofmischief]

one word .Nerds .

[CrimsonNdClover]

Or you could buy a Jamaican wife and save eight years :)

[Poolvos12]

Can someone please explain me what this is aboutxDS

[ZenSeizure]

I'm looking at the comments wondering who's in on da joke and who actually believes it.

[timo86m]

I plan to talk to a girl by 2025 damn NASA Is going to beat me :(

[badgerbuddy]

the Myans predicted the failure of this mission haha

[htiberian]

They could just hitch rides on a Russian prostitute.

[adlerzwei]

@htiberian oh shit good one buddy :D

[A1pha2R3d]

i dont suppose rocket scientist date often? Lol

[RahRahSisBoom13]

@A1pha2R3d No, we really don't...

Okay, that's sort of a lie, we just date other scientists...

[A1pha2R3d]

@RahRahSisBoom13 was a funny video none the less. so are you really a rocket scientist? i live near Nasa here in league city and ive always been fascinated with space

[lordcrull]

$900 million? Gosh, women are expensive.

[OddOpinion]

I think u people shouldnt make fun of them just cuz they want their employees to have kids, its a good thing for to promote cuz like we need more scientists for like weather and incase we wana goto the stars, i think its cool and they should have girlfriends like other people

[LittlePikachu]

@OddOpinion Also we need people reproducing that know how to type like a normal human being

[cassidy99ful]

@LittlePikachu wut U mean by dat?

[pr00de]

This is how PUA's really talk.

[jacobwolf124]

Damn do I have to say it? THE ONION MAKES FUN OF POLITICS AND SHIT IT'S NOT REAL!!!!!

[BestChannelOfAllTime]

@jacobwolf124 YES EVERY SINGLE PERSON KNOWS THAT

[jacobwolf124]

@BestChannelOfAllTime One dumbass didn't.

[WaKeZnDrAnKz]

THIS IS real guys this is how nasa really spends our money

[BType13X2]

wow... Just wow... I hope people are being sarcastic about this cause the onion is parody.. If not I fear for the future because it means that the average youtube user is stupider then someone who has undergone a full frontal lobotomy.

[Derptron6000]

@BType13X2 nah this is what we have to look forward to

[HaiDoggie]

NO!

this is too funny

[aeroripper]

lol @ the ejection system

[Raynor9X9]

lol the satellite photos are hilarious

[Dorminay42]

Just fucking send someone to Mars already, you fucking dipshits, and stop wasting my time with this bullshit. I don't give a fuck about jobs, I don't give a fuck about healthcare, I don't give a fuck about Wall Street, TAKE ME TO FUCKING SPACE

[TheYouwontgetit]

how is this even news...??? ...also the costs are pretty high...

[FastLifeInc]

900,000,000 dollars LMAOOO

[Twisted426]

A big waste of taxpayer's money if you ask me. No wonder our country is going broke.

[Spanky989]

@Twisted426 i hope to God you're kidding

[Shadow99052]

@Twisted426

Joke



[MetroidJunkie2007]

Well, since NASA's space exploration is shut off, they had to find SOMETHING to do with their time.

[janejn7788]

Lol

[baalzebubdeffiu]

She was discovered lmaoooo

[GreaterPerson]

$90 Mil for a woman? Too cheap.

[TooDamnBoku]

SOB SOB FAP FAP

[colour24]

No longer cute by 2018

[cb1akl]

Hahaha people thinking this is real love the Onion.

[DeeBlount20]

Awwwwww (:(: <3<3

[Link7x4m]

just like the real nasa

[zMystic22]

ha this cracked me up so hard 8 years of planning

[joshkauai88]

Haha i bet the mission was unsuccesfull..

[FluffyFeralMarmot]

God bless the courageous men at NASA. They do things that the rest of us can only dream about.

[valkiris]

I love the Onion.

[dude9765]

Maybe they shoud've been more concerned about going bankrupt...

[vinsontr]

By 2014, the girl would have bought her own washer and dryer and the mission will be a failure.

[MrUtopia77]

the ejection system is awesome :D

[WatchmenDrManhattan]

you imagine that this is how nerds talk about girls

[pervysage35]

@WatchmenDrManhattan

actually yes, when me and my friends where serious about dating we sometimes talked like this, sometimes like we were planning a military operation, or a lab procedure, sometimes in ye olde english to sounde like tolkien.

[RoboGeek99]

@pervysage35

Grow a pair

[mdumas43073]

That joke about the "black hole of socks" certainly *sounds* like it ought to get somebody laid.

[SVTcoolguy]

I wasn't taking notes.

and I'm definitely not looking forward to the History Channel DVD Box set of this mission.

[moomman89]

Ha,ha,burp!

[MrRazorz]

I don't think they're taking all the variables into account. Within the next eight years, Thompson Harper will likely have entered a co-orbital configuration with another body and expelled a couple of satellites, considerably increasing her mass in the process. In this event not only will the success of the mission be next to impossible, but any potential benefits will be negligible.

[UWMike017]

@MrRazorz Congratulations. You have just won the internet

[jsmarthy]

i lol'd when he said $900,000,000. hilarious

[snakesson]

Sheldon humor, I approve.

[prnkstr]

Oh god...this is like high school all over again. Nerds planning on how to pick up girls....I'm so ashamed....

[franciscobarril]

omg this is the last straw. this much government spending on this during the recession on a stupid project? who is really getting the money?

[b74k3]

so, they plan to actually approach a girl by 2018? idk, I think they should approach her NOW

[zurechtweiser]

@b74k3 You have to plan it first. Now you have inadequate data to run the fourier transform with.

[thetank971]

im no scientist but whats the point of all this? i dont know what to say :/

[drchen054]

I have a theory that the whole hating of people who think onion is real is moot. I truly believe people simply do not watch the whole video and see only a small segment. I mean.. masturbate furiously in anger? No one believes stuff like that is real.

[zurechtweiser]

@drchen054 Many (americans) believe stuff like that is real. As well as aliens inside obama's body.

[stuijn]

VORK 

[Sporemin]

This is my goal.

[justscottiful]

Please it took them 5 years to smile at the lady in the coffee shop. I won't see this happening til 2032.

[hixXam007]

what the fuck is going on ...man ?? :S enlighten me ..i dont understand what this mission is all about ?? are they spending 900 MILLION dollars to stalk this lady :S ???

[angel2rx]

WTF! lol

[MrAnthonyUseryJr]

ha this is fucking funny

[liketheuniverse11]

...and that's the News for tonight, folks! Directly from your paralell universe, where the highest IQ is 55! Good night! and Good Luck! :O

[DomIstKrieg]

funny.

[1973mazdarx4coupe]

this is not fake !

[mrapter7]

stalker...

[SergeCWazukie]

i wonder if onion span gets prank called too...

[pyroprophecy]

this is the most important mission nasa has ever attempted!

[addix2anime]

(continuation)

Studies have shown that most 'romantic couples'(has yet to be defined as of now)had first acquired contact through these two places, and if we are to believe those very informative and scientific rocoms, then this would be a better start.

[addix2anime]

This is just stupid. These so-called scientists have shamed the scientific community. I mean, whoever heard of dating someone you met through the laundry mat?

Let me propose a better start:

Since the target, Thompson Harper, has already been acquired and trailed down, why not, instead of the laundry, acquire contact with the target at an populated trading place(mall), or at an organic plant store(otherwise known as 'Flower Shop')?

[TheFlipTease]

damn sock-eating dryers

[culwin]

The Mayans predicted this disaster thousands of years ago.

[MindOutrage]

@culwin cool!!!!

[veggiewarriors]

Let's see what the stars hold for them!

[marine5546]

If we are talking about 8 years, there are a lot of things to take into consideration. Quantum physics dicatates that Thompson-Harper #3499102 may spontaneously change paths sometimes. If she started to go to a different laundry mat or started to appear at different times, it could severely complicate the mission. We also have to worry about Russia's plans as well. If they approach her first, we may not see another chance like this for many decades.

[WC3POchannel10A]

@marine5546 Geosynched satellites over every laundry mat taking images every five minutes would help. And yes, they may not be as sophisticated, but we know that the Russian men are consistent when approaching women.

[MrBarns95]

it would suck if she dated someone just after they finished planning

[MrBarns95]

who flagged this

[DrSpider88]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

[DrSpider88]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

[Glinkaism1]

Anyone who hates the lying shits at NASA will love this!

[SMWjunkie2]

NASA: Ummm... we blew up another rocket, can we have another $800,000,000?

[belittle12]

I'm going to try this.

[hikaruultma]

7 years till they carry this shit out... :D

[asull822]

Wait...so The Onion IS real? Wow...

[Jynx92]

Masterbate furiously while we hate ourselves hahahahahahahahah

[ConstantinIV]

Very nice :)

[musardus]

8 years is too long, nasa needs more budget... lets say how about by dec 201s

[WC3POchannel10A]

A Martian rover like expedition would be more feasible. It would be less creepy to the mission objective. It could collect valuable data that could then lead to a manned mission. It could sniff the objective's perfume and take a rock sample from her jewelry to gauge what a long term mission might cost. And perhaps a hair sample to see if she dyed her hair or was a natural in color. Exploring uncharted space like this should be cautious because of risk of rejection from the mission objective.

[angel007sherm]

@WC3POchannel10A I agree, there should also be a sample of the laundry detergent used so that we can gauge how well she takes care of her clothes, thereby insuring that we have the fall back smalltalk of 'I use that same detergent have you noticed how it...' As well as a protocol for recording research data so that if the objective should fail or be compromised the mission can be restarted with a new subject possibly the girl who serves at Starbucks, or cute newly single neighbor.

[WC3POchannel10A]

@angel007sherm Equipping the probe with weather data sensor would also come in handy when discussing the weather. Should all the data come back positive, our relationaut could start by saying, "Nice day huh?"

[angel007sherm]

@WC3POchannel10A Would it possible to bring in a consultant, have we located Thompson Harper's nice but less attractive best friend? We need to assemble a team to collect data for when the best time to start the dryer and the likeliness of getting adjacent dryer to Thompson Harper. We will need test subjects to test the actual attractiveness of our relationaut who are both heterosexual women and homosexual men who can validate whether the relationaut even would have a chance upon approach.

[ThatIsWackSon]

tell me this is fake?

[GangstaClown678]

@ThatIsWackSon No, the onion is real

[MultiChrisjb]

@ThatIsWackSon No, all of the onions reports are real. I can't believe anyone could suggest a mission this important is fake.

[pitdroidtech]

@MultiChrisjb I have to concur. As a geek, I have been following this development closely.

[Thatofares]

lmfao.just pay me 5$ and ill get in her pants for ya NASA!

[goetomo123]

it's things like this that puts us in recession

[jigbuilda]

900,000,000 bucks, how much will taxpayers fork out after she's married??

[Maplesyrup41]

900 million dollars not 19 million dollars, fix your description ONION!!!

[METALMAN4Wii]

Ummmmm No You're Not Getting Anymore Money NASA EVER......!

[HitlerWasRight2010]

The Nasa Scientist that masturbates while watching me do my laundry came in here 150 times to thumb down the video that exposes him (either that or his wife did it). :o) I ran around in my garden naked last night as a Christmas Present to him...even though he hates Jesus. :o) New Age Dating...Who would have ever thought? Thank You My Friends at The Onion. Love the Green Eyes.

[DezzyDh96]

this is pretty funny

[chiyerano]

I take it that the Onion is on holiday hiatus which is the reason for the recent reuploads.

[marlli53]

I knew dating had gotten more difficult, but damn!

[ninjafretshadow]

nasa has a better chance CREATING their own woman to score with.

[grapplerify]

this is really funny

[johnnysurefire]

Why was this flagged?

[ActiveStorage]

@johnnysurefire probably thousands upon thousands of nerds who got the link flagged it ferociously

[IcyScythe]

@ActiveStorage rofl

[playboymaxim]

The casting of the participants and the delivery and comic timing is so flawless in these videos. People get confused because the delivery of the humor is so deadpan that you have to be really paying attention to catch it. I find most of the Onion's vids hilarious.

[faiamaster]

gime 100 grand , I do that in 10 min ...........

[wcairsoft]

$ 900'000'000 to talk to a girl. Glad to see the taxpyers money is going to good use !

[loanesay]

@wcairsoft You sound like you believe this is real?

[aleks7868]

@loanesay you sound like you believe his comment is real?

[MaObi007]

@wcairsoft (u tryna be funny? if not) drop the politics, have a laugh, its just sarcasm.......

[wcairsoft]

@MaObi007 I'm amazed at the amount of people who think my comment was actually serious.

[TheFacelessActivist]

@wcairsoft

Beats biochemical warfare...

[sesshoumaru3st]

@wcairsoft no they are saying 90 mill to get in a relationship with an attractive female. XDD wow HAHAH ::D:DD

[Raveninety9]

theyre gonna need more than 8 years

[skulleton]

"masturbating furiously while hating himself for it"

[CrazyKraut20]

i started laughing as soon as i saw the video name and throughout the video XD

[kitchenaut]

Carl Sagan has already been there.

[ramoore777]

i love the onion and their videos, but the unnecessary and inaccurate subtitles are really annoying.

[simonsaltwater]

@ramoore777 you can always turn off the subs by pressing the "cc" button under the vid

[ColdZer04]

This made my day

[MrZhilvinas]

This is what the inside of your brain looks like...

20:10 you meet her, 20:18 you try to hook her

[gardnerbm]

wow, i guess I could be a NASA scientist

[Pentagon1311]

This is fucking hilarious!

[isingforno1]

@vleon1012 its fake dude thats the whole point

[ananse77]

Umm, I think you meant "trendy new clothes", not "20 new clothes"; "propulsion ejection system" not "pro-poltion system" and "infeasible and just stupid" not "impossible and just stupid."

[The1MiniShow]

Lmfao this is hillarious hahahaha but for a minute i thought they were gonna tell us that they are gonna release developed robots (even though i plan on doing that even though i'm 14) but thank god i still have time.

Excuse my english if i made any mistakes.

[bryanpeace121]

How is this funny?

[lordtalon69]

@bryanpeace121

It is called satire. You obviously don't get it. So move on...

On a side note why did you even click on this?

[blabla12331]

@vleon1012 it's just a JOKE :D this wasn't really aired on TV. only on the internet :)

[lacokai]

OMG... this is so F.up and funnnny LOL =))

[zeroq811]

thats so nasa like 

[thawhiteazn]

and then masturbating furiously and then hating ourselves for it.