We are unable to feel sadness for what we now know happened to this body. We do feel sad when we know others identify with our videos as it probably means they've been hurt.
Sadness, anger, happiness and all sorts of other emotions are highly compartmentalised for us and many survivors - remember it probably wouldn't have been safe to show those emotions at the time, so it becomes part of the coping mechanism not to show and feel them.
Yeah i can relate to all your videos! Im great at hiding, thats all ive done my whole life. And i find it threatening if someonetakes an intrest in me , in anyway! On the progress front, for the first time in my life ive found out the difference between feeling and thinking. I now know they are two different things. Before my mind just invented emotions for me, i never actually had any! Prob havent explained it right, but im sure you can relate - unfortunatly .
Yes can totally relate! At all social settings (good and bad) we'll be scanning the other people to see if we were meant to be laughing or crying or what... That takes so much energy its incredible, but it's the only way to "fit in". We try to avoid social settings, but sometimes we can't...
But now we realise we do it, so its something to "work on" :)
Yea like a chameleon. Sometimes it even feels like im being manipulative, which i obviously aint. Its survival. Conform to very1 elses wants and needs and then we will be safe.even with people ive known for 10 years. Even worse with 2 or 3 people you know at the same time. Have to wear 3 different masks at the same time. Every1 elses favourite little puppet! Thats who i am.Then when i do get angry becoz i get frustrated with myself its always out of proportion and i apologise. CAnt win!
Yeah like a chameleon. A puppet for everyone elses wishs. Everyone else took everything they hated about themselves and put into into me. So not only did i have my own massive problems,i became everyone elses problems aswell! Basically i can see that my whole life ive been playing out these repressed memories, so ive been re-victimising myself! I just thought it was normal.Then i used to defend myself and lash out, and then apologise afterwards making myself look stupid and weak!
No they were weak for re-victimising you, if they were stronger they would have seen that you needed protection and not "sniffed out" someone to hurt. Sorry I get a bit wound up when people continue to use those that were victimised when they couldn't or didn't have a voice.
Great gaping holes were appearing in the coping mechanisms before then, but 35 was when we realised we couldn't keep on pretending everything was alright.
We'd tried therapy a couple of times, but never for more than 5 sessions and never talking about the abuse - sometimes used the therapists questioning about abuse as a reason to stop seeing them - they might be too suggestive and want abuse to have occurred etc. Great way to stay in denial... :)
Exactly the same with me. I'd see therapists once or twice and run the other way. Denial for six years and now I'm ready to deal with the dissociation. I've got a million miles to go. Not easy.
I knew i had to heal when i brokedown. I tried putting my mask on and for the first time ever i knew i couldnt. Thats when i knew i had reached a turning point in my life.
It sure was. I used mainly exercise and helathy eating to keep my head above water. I was totally unaware of my trauma and had no memories before the age of 7, but wasnt aware of that either! When they happened i went even more extreme and lived on bottled water and bread - thinking it was food or something else that had made me breakdown. That was the start , around 2 years ago.For the last 16 months ive been recovering traumatic memories on a daily basis.Its a full time job. :-(
Its the getting past the 'just surviving' that is the hard part, don't give it up. Your videos are beautiful, and I'm sure they give hope and courage to a lot of people, myself included
I think that you can feel a turmoil inside, or a strong emotional feeling that something is different. I can't describe it well (obviously), but when that happens, you are readying yourself for healing. Healing is definitely a journey and not a destination. Sometimes I think I have walked all the way around my mountain instead of climbing vertically sometimes, but maybe its necessary. * Hugs! *
Hi, whenever I get a "little annoyed" with my lack of progress I try to remember that it's taken 30 odd years to get to this place, so the healing journey is going to take time. I like your analogy of the mountain. Imagine what you would miss if you only climbed vertically :) Yes moments of pain, but also moments of healing. Safe *hugs* only if you want them :)
By the way your videos are great.
I can feel the sadness for someone else but not for myself.
Ive yet to reach the point where i can feel for myself, i have to be too strong for that.
Be strong.
cheekyleopard 3 years ago
Thanks :)
We are unable to feel sadness for what we now know happened to this body. We do feel sad when we know others identify with our videos as it probably means they've been hurt.
Sadness, anger, happiness and all sorts of other emotions are highly compartmentalised for us and many survivors - remember it probably wouldn't have been safe to show those emotions at the time, so it becomes part of the coping mechanism not to show and feel them.
Take care
Sophie
castorgirl 3 years ago
Yeah i can relate to all your videos! Im great at hiding, thats all ive done my whole life. And i find it threatening if someonetakes an intrest in me , in anyway! On the progress front, for the first time in my life ive found out the difference between feeling and thinking. I now know they are two different things. Before my mind just invented emotions for me, i never actually had any! Prob havent explained it right, but im sure you can relate - unfortunatly .
Take care, Cheekyleopard.
cheekyleopard 3 years ago
Yes can totally relate! At all social settings (good and bad) we'll be scanning the other people to see if we were meant to be laughing or crying or what... That takes so much energy its incredible, but it's the only way to "fit in". We try to avoid social settings, but sometimes we can't...
But now we realise we do it, so its something to "work on" :)
Take care
Sophie :)
castorgirl 3 years ago
Yea like a chameleon. Sometimes it even feels like im being manipulative, which i obviously aint. Its survival. Conform to very1 elses wants and needs and then we will be safe.even with people ive known for 10 years. Even worse with 2 or 3 people you know at the same time. Have to wear 3 different masks at the same time. Every1 elses favourite little puppet! Thats who i am.Then when i do get angry becoz i get frustrated with myself its always out of proportion and i apologise. CAnt win!
cheekyleopard 3 years ago
Yeah like a chameleon. A puppet for everyone elses wishs. Everyone else took everything they hated about themselves and put into into me. So not only did i have my own massive problems,i became everyone elses problems aswell! Basically i can see that my whole life ive been playing out these repressed memories, so ive been re-victimising myself! I just thought it was normal.Then i used to defend myself and lash out, and then apologise afterwards making myself look stupid and weak!
cheekyleopard 3 years ago
Sorry for posting twice, didnt think the original had added! Doh!
cheekyleopard 3 years ago
No worries... we're all human :)
Sophie
castorgirl 3 years ago
No they were weak for re-victimising you, if they were stronger they would have seen that you needed protection and not "sniffed out" someone to hurt. Sorry I get a bit wound up when people continue to use those that were victimised when they couldn't or didn't have a voice.
Castorgirl...
castorgirl 3 years ago
I totally agree.These are the type of people i had in my life.I didnt see it, i was so blind.
cheekyleopard 3 years ago
Just to add that theres a typical age for people confronting abuse 30-35.
They dnt know why this is, just that it is.
cheekyleopard 3 years ago
Yup, it's wierd - for us it was 35. I guess it all depends on what coping mechanisms were used etc as to when and how people confront the abuse.
Sophie
castorgirl 3 years ago
35 me too!!
iraqidolphin 3 years ago
Weird aye :)
Great gaping holes were appearing in the coping mechanisms before then, but 35 was when we realised we couldn't keep on pretending everything was alright.
We'd tried therapy a couple of times, but never for more than 5 sessions and never talking about the abuse - sometimes used the therapists questioning about abuse as a reason to stop seeing them - they might be too suggestive and want abuse to have occurred etc. Great way to stay in denial... :)
Hope you're getting help now
Sophie
castorgirl 3 years ago
Exactly the same with me. I'd see therapists once or twice and run the other way. Denial for six years and now I'm ready to deal with the dissociation. I've got a million miles to go. Not easy.
iraqidolphin 3 years ago
I knew i had to heal when i brokedown. I tried putting my mask on and for the first time ever i knew i couldnt. Thats when i knew i had reached a turning point in my life.
cheekyleopard 3 years ago
Wow that must have been terrifying! But you're taking big steps by seeking help - may not sound like it or feel like it, but that takes strength.
Allow yourself time...
Sophie
castorgirl 3 years ago
It sure was. I used mainly exercise and helathy eating to keep my head above water. I was totally unaware of my trauma and had no memories before the age of 7, but wasnt aware of that either! When they happened i went even more extreme and lived on bottled water and bread - thinking it was food or something else that had made me breakdown. That was the start , around 2 years ago.For the last 16 months ive been recovering traumatic memories on a daily basis.Its a full time job. :-(
cheekyleopard 3 years ago
Yup healing is a full time job... give yourself that time. Whether you believe it or not at this moment - you are worth it!
castorgirl 3 years ago
My therapist described the hardest part for me.
he said " you have been in a lifeboat for 30 years, now its nearing the time for you to get on the cruisliner" - something i have no idea about. :(
cheekyleopard 3 years ago
Its the getting past the 'just surviving' that is the hard part, don't give it up. Your videos are beautiful, and I'm sure they give hope and courage to a lot of people, myself included
emelia1502 4 years ago
Thank you :)
castorgirl 4 years ago
I think that you can feel a turmoil inside, or a strong emotional feeling that something is different. I can't describe it well (obviously), but when that happens, you are readying yourself for healing. Healing is definitely a journey and not a destination. Sometimes I think I have walked all the way around my mountain instead of climbing vertically sometimes, but maybe its necessary. * Hugs! *
Annieh1315 4 years ago
Hi, whenever I get a "little annoyed" with my lack of progress I try to remember that it's taken 30 odd years to get to this place, so the healing journey is going to take time. I like your analogy of the mountain. Imagine what you would miss if you only climbed vertically :) Yes moments of pain, but also moments of healing. Safe *hugs* only if you want them :)
castorgirl 4 years ago
Beauiful and inspiring video.
bleaux42 4 years ago
Thank you so much for your kind words.
castorgirl 4 years ago