Dysfunctional Families and the Shame Cycle: Healthy Families

[patriotofliberty1776]

Somehow humanist psychology always fails to offer any solutions to dysfunctionality and much to encourage it... but like the government subsidizing problems and professing the need for more resources to combat the perceived problem, psychologists and psychiatrists operate in similar fashion.

[DrSpooglemon]

@patriotofliberty1776 What solution do YOU offer?

[SkullcandifiedDj]

Dysfunctional family ftw! Fml...

[MichaelJacksonEmmjay]

Really good vid! Unfortunately it totally applies to my family. Sucks.

[bobdowd]

Check out how I broke the dysfunctional families ties...

bobbyfdowd.blogspot.com/2011/1­1/cutting-dysfunctional-ties.h­tml

[bobdowd]

Check out how I broke the dysfunctional families ties...

[thebellotilla]

The first rule to try to keep a Family from being extremely disfunctional...is FORGIVENESS....as it is said here nobody is perfect,and we have tendency to expect that everything will be perfect, smooth, agreeable, and working on our way. Family is a group of individuals who acts, thinks different but all have a common thing, that is Love ,because of individualities many times we disagree ,bother or hurt each others, so Forgiving a loved one is the best thing to keep Family working

[sueryun]

more videos on this subject PLEASEEEEE

[sueryun]

this means a LOT of families around the world are dysfunctional...i hope the pain heals

[villellatm]

I hate my family

[clubpenguin777]

My family is dysfunctional...I hate my family.

[Engineer245]

Most father have the same feeling that a hunter has after making a kill when they have a new child. They hodl them up to show them off like they are trophys. This is what I call "The Red Neck Syndrome." And yes there are rednecks in every state including NY CIty and Boston. Children are to be loved an not something to make a parent proud. They to be proud of ! ! !

[decafcoffee73]

I have a daughter who doesn't live with me. We used to get along up until she hit maybe 14 or 15 yrs old. Now she is going on 18 and we don't talk much if at all anymore. Her school work has dropped every quarter to F's or just about. She is into drugs, drinks, stealing, lying, skipping school tons of times... His mother is an alcoholic and/or comes from a family like that. Also he has been seen many relationships come in and out of his life.

So would you say he's dysfunctional? cure?

[Engineer245]

Religion actually made my situation worst not better because I studied the bible and it was rought with murder and blood lust. So, I decided the Christain faith was not for me. I worked hard and finished HS while in the millitary and then a BSME after. I had quit scholl at the age of 14 because my dad wanted us to work to help pay for everything. Your words and theories are absolutely correct ! ! !

[Engineer245]

My dad beat my mother and put her in the hospital many times. My dad taught me to hate the world and he beat me down to make himself bigger. I have been sucessful 10 fold over him. I hated him when he weas alive and I hate him now. I loved my mother because she kept us for starving. My dad was so selfish they had to divorce before they could get along. He was no longer responsible for us. We had to steal food to eat. We never had birthdays because they cost money. No Christas either!

[Gasparro18]

@Engineer245 I know I hear you. I thought my problem was with my mom then I found friends and I later found out they were more of a problem then what I was running away from. Now, today I'm at my dad's and oldest brother threw a fucking hissy fit because I screwed my form for a grant. Then it turns out that his real problem is that he's tired of being poor, and this and that. Bullshit, when my dad had money he offered my brother a fuckin job but no he had to party in collage.

[Shyamalika]

Sounds like my perfect family

[1SenseofWonder1]

The difference between guilt and shame is, I feel guilt over something wrong that I've DONE. I feel shame over something wrong that I feel that I AM.

[ydna20003]

my family sucks.

[flutey28]

my family to a T. they are the biggest fucktards I've ever met. Aside from the sociopath I married. SHEEEESH! I'll end the cycle of abuse if it fuckin' kills me.

[KnowTheBible559]

My family is so dysfunctional it will be extinct soon:

Uncle #1 had 2 marriages, no children, now dead.

Uncle #2 never married, no kids. 67 yrs old.

One brother, 2 marriages, no kids, 45 yrs old.

One sister, 41 yrs old, never married, no kids.

And theres me the youngest of the 3: never been on a date, no sex ever, schizoid personality.

Grandfather had psychosis, my father was schitzophrenic.

Our genes are being weeded out of the pool.

[MrPandemonius1]

My family would put The Shrine Circus out of business. Dysfunctional is an understatement...it's more like chaotic and at times, complete pandemonium.

[Peepsyx3]

I come from a dysfunctional family, so does my husband. That does make me sad, but right now the hardest thing for me is actually trying to separate myself from my family. That for me is the hardest thing to do. Knowing when people act a certain way, knowing what they do is wrong but only being able to do only so much. Because I cant help them, I can give them all the advise in the world.. and it wont matter.. they refuse to listen.

Thanks for your video .

[tpstrat14]

@Peepsyx3 My family was ZERO and you sound like my sister. She tells me what to do all the time. My dad as well. All I ever think about it is "don't you have any faith in me that I already know what to do?" .... i just need someone to believe in me... that's what it boils down to. We just need encouragement.

[Peepsyx3]

@tpstrat14 you don't understand that i already had the faith in them. but after leaving them be, nothing happens nothing changes, and nothing moves forward. Which then drives me! to try to help and change them. so then all the "TELLING" begins. and then YOU! realize "stop telling me what to do!!! your ruining my life!! "but it's now to late to give you any faith because it had ALREADY GIVEN TO YOU! any-who I'm not your sister, and it's advice not directions. this is also not your life story.....

[tpstrat14]

@Peepsyx3 When you have faith and love for someone, that never fades. If you won't give people a second, third, 4th and 100th chance, then you never really gave them a chance at all or ever had faith in them. Granted, it's probably for good reason. And no offense, you REALLY sound like my sister now. lol....

[crabbyoldbastard]

everyone comes from a dysfunctional family

shut up and stop whining.grow up and man up.

[AnaTipton]

I come from a PREDOMINATLEY HISPANIC FAMILY, and I will not tell you what I went through, the rejection I endured and the guilt and shame of my true honest self, the real self loathing and self hatred I endured what seemed to be forever till this day. It was the most dysfuctional denial I could ever ever project on someone else who did not deserve it. I wished I had be treated and accepted better. Than what they still do to me till this day. It really eats me up. I still can't fix it .WISH!!

[crabbyoldbastard]

@AnaTipton

I am so sorry that you had to endure the same kind of shit I had to ,but it is now time to move on I apologize if my previous comment was insensitive We all must move on! the past no longer exists!

All the best to you.

[TheFigurehead1983]

I´m also from a dysfunctional family!!

My so called mom almost always yelled for no particular reason!!

And my so called dad didnt do dad things!

In my parents and relatives eyes i dont even exsist!!!

If you dont give a flower water and care it will eventually die!!

Same goes for humans,if we dont get love and careness we die inside!!!

[Jeorney]

My family is dysfunctional. Parents can be emotionally abusive, and refuse to discuss problems. Trying to do so can get nasty and disturbing. I'm basically the scapegoat, although the only real problems I have is speech impairment & unemployment, but my emotions are apposite to the situation. Other family members just capitalise on the situation, which seems to give them almost sadistic pleasure. The more I'm put in the box & isolated, the better for them.

[nickintp]

I come from a dysfunctional family. My parents deserves what life have given them.

[PsychoKrazyTime]

Heh, might as well share my own story. I have a mom who has poor self-esteem, but doesn't want to do anything about it. I have a dad who just doesn't care anymore. Talking to him is pointless because he just gets angry at everything. Both of my sisters are very whiny, angry people. Seems like I'm the only one who has any drive and passion.

[bgoldrock]

He is correct in what he says. I grew up in a dysfunctional home; always hated my Mother for never wanting to talk about problems, and that drove me nuts. Problems don't go away by ignoring them. A break-down in communication and not being a good listener and not having compassion and empathy when someone is trying to convey their feelings. It's never a good thing to "dismiss" someone's feelings. We are all human and deserve to have our feelings acknowledged and respected.

[KaiserVadin]

If i lose my job my family will rub my nose in it till i get another one I am rather sick of it .

[Nanaeon05]

Clap Clap Clap !-said as it is:)

[Halfstar3]

Here here Ninja, completely agree.

[NinjaChampionKO]

I hate dysfunctional families who try to ignore the problem and start saying that a lack of religion is causing the problem when rather it's the parents narrow mind set and lack of ability to get a grip and fulfill their responsibilities to their sons and daughters and to keep a healthy relationship with their spouse......

[menonfire12]

@NinjaChampionKO

Truth, I hate that too.

[tpstrat14]

@NinjaChampionKO My dad frustrates me with this. He pretends that the problem with himself is that he doesn't read the Bible enough, that he doesn't dedicate himself to his religion enough. But I've come to learn that his religion is his way of looking at the world. So him saying he want to be more dedicated to his religion simply means he wants to be a better person. (I wish he could just say that, but you have to work with what you have) Don't be too quick to judge though.

[Engineer245]

@NinjaChampionKO I also do not see religon as playing a singular roll in creating a good family. I even know preachers who have been marrid and divorced several times and that have dysfunctional families. No, parenting is a tough job and most parent hand it off to the schools and others which is wrong. I know that most parents are not born with parentling skills but a loving family with respect and responsibilty is the first step and a missing step in most homes.

[fntime]

@NinjaChampionKO Where do you find that family, in Never Never Land?

[melrose2121]

Some people should never be parents. I wish people were required to hold a parental license before they have children.

[goingplaces11]

@melrose2121 me too.

[menonfire12]

@melrose2121

Yes! I agree, seems to me a very practical idea.

I see en most of the case the parents want to have a child for some desire to have this life they can control, as a kind of asset... it's so selfish.

In adition I think it would be helpfull for controlling the population, as I think is needed in this so poluted and consumed world we live in, were the sea is overfished and forests are being destroyed.

[nickintp]

@melrose2121

I totally agree. Some people should never be parents. I am the product of such people. I can truly say that I am not an asset to society. I am angry, suspicious, low self-esteem, hateful, and hurt.

My parents are getting old and they want me to "just forget their evils" as if it never happen and treat them as if they are the perfect parents and if I don't, they try to place guilt on me. I will not drop one tear when they take that final breath. I can not forgive.

[rufalomm]

@nickintp forgiveness is the attribute of the strongh

[crabbyoldbastard]

@nickintp

I suggest that you chose toNOT be angry,suspicious,with low self esteem,hate full,and hurt,before they die.They won't like it, but you will feel a lot better (they don"t call me a crabby old bastard for nothing)

[tpstrat14]

@melrose2121 But I'm sure YOU see yourself fit to be a parent, naturally. geez........

[melrose2121]

@tpstrat14

Did I even hint at that? I don't even have kids nor do I want any at this point in my life. Doesn't change the fact that people who are actually MENTALLY sound are the only ones who should have children.

[tpstrat14]

@melrose2121 No one is mentally sound. We're all fuckin nuts....

[melrose2121]

@tpstrat14

Touché.

[drewwhonumba22]

@melrose2121 I agree, theres a lot of people who dislike social services because of poking their noses in, but in reality taking a child away from a dysfunctional parent is far healthier for the child

[MAETHCOMBAT]

@melrose2121 oh you are so right my mom and older sister is one of them and my sister need her license revoked big time

[OneEyedJack1970]

I think he swiped those rules from my mom's refrigerator.

[killfor5]

Its hard to believe all of these things he issaying,because I was taught to live with the first 3 rules growing up. my mother imposed all of these things upon us. and its hard to believe otherwise if that's the belief system you were raised from since birth

[DawnPhx]

One final note--for those who might be considering passing this video by because their childhood was pretty uneventful--I never thought I came from a dysfunctional family-I just thought we were average. But the great thing about these videos is that you learn some of the ways that even an average family life can leave us with a few scars that negatively impact our adult lives every day. So I think everyone can pick up at least one or two facts from this video series that can improve their life

[DawnPhx]

"how do we get rid of the shame pain?"

One great place to start is to be aware of the critical voice in your head that is constantly jumping on you if you are not living up to the impossible rules we learned growing up. Be aware whenever you are criticizing and shaming yourself for not being perfect. SO WATCH ALL THE VIDEO CLIPS IN THIS SERIES—when you recognize some things you say or do to yourself, make it a priority to stop yourself. Be kinder and more generous to yourself.

[voidvox]

PART III (These parts are coming out in reverse. Please look down and start with the first voidvox entry).

Even just watching a video like this helps you see through to the insidious root of what's controlling you. The fact that you are even here and watching it is a sign you have awareness. I know many MANY people who live in total denial of their dysfunction.

Blessings and Peace to all who are trying...

[voidvox]

PART II

The best remedy has been spiritual practices like Zen and Yoga etc.. Meditation has been key to my awareness of the programs going on in my mind. These programs are diffcult to erase because you can't erase a memory. You will never forget. They are scars. But, you can learn to be aware of them, and that is the first step to not letting them control you and take over your life.

[voidvox]

Thanks. This helps me to remember that it's not me that's crazy, which I've always known that, but it's part of the shame to blame yourself.

Someone just asked, how do we get rid of the shame and pain?

After 35 years of trying, I have to tell you that it's not easy. The messages you learn as a child become deeply programmed. It's like poision ivy. Every time I think I've overcome something, if I scratch this itch--it pops up in another place in some other way.

[rickochey]

ok.. now how do we get rid of the shame pain?

[DawnPhx]

Great and useful book on the subject is John Bradshaws Homecoming: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child; includes not just a lot of great information, but also has useful exercises to help you actively work through some of the shame, pain, or anger you may have. Also, talking to a therapist who knows something about this subject can be extremely helpful.

[Ungoliantx]

I highly recommend John Bradshaw "on the family"...great stuff. Really helped me.

[sidthinker]

great stuff man...take this show on the road man...large screen and all. But, wouldn't you rather say "trinity"? Makes a much more powerful statement, wink wink :). But really, great stuff.. simple but.. how many people are oblivious to it? Way too many.

[InfiniteMushroom]

Maybe the InternetTherapist can do a video for caregivers taking care of a senile parent or a parent with dementia.

[toyletseat666]

I found this to be helpful. My family definitely has this cycle and it is helpful to know where all this anger and such comes from. Next time I will try to make my family members aware of this when they are quick to yell at my younger cousin for making mistakes.

[ritagblue]

everything iv ever been told is a lie.

[ritagblue]

if it rained, it would somehow be my fault,i was to blame for the weather

[ritagblue]

my parents were unstable,moody,tempermental.if i slamed the door,dad would complain.if i sofly closed the door he would complain saying,you know you have to slam that door.

[PersephoneSwimming]

me too it's very difficult being an adult now with this background

[ritagblue]

i experince all this and much more.