Should You Stay Married Just For The Kids?

[Loviekinz]

My parents don't sleep in the same room or show affection --- doesn't mean I want a marriage like theirs but it works for them. They been married over 30 years, and I don't see 'em ever splitting up. I think it's insulting you'd call them "dysfunctional"

[bornblond9gb]

I'm not happy is a cop out for having an affair and a childish act..i wanna say...Boohoo what do you want me to do cry...be a man stand your ground and fight for your family...What woman can have an affair with a married man with children and yet claim to so called love him...she might love the money...his looks or who knows what...to love him is to send him home to his family!

[bornblond9gb]

When your husband is having an affair and the wife simply steps aside and leaves she just makes it ever so easy for the other woman to step in and take your life away from you and the kids.

[bornblond9gb]

As having been divorced years back after my husband cheated i would have to say no you don't just stay married for the kids but you most definitely try endlessly for the kids sake to save the marriage.

[mvp3bear]

Does a woman stay married for the kids? If the husband knows she is in love with someone else and he threatens to tell the kids unless she stays with him.

[Samihobbit]

Ask them to splitt up before the kid grows up and get close to the dad

[atnipjoe]

relationships are hard work i have been marred for 4 years and i have to work at it everyday just to keep my wife happy i found out a long time ago if i keep her happy i stay happy some times it feels like a one way street but you have to stay married you took a oath the your spouse and god it won't always be easy but some times it is will you have to take the bad with the good and work on loving each other i love my wife more today then i did when we got married and we are vary happy

[DatDamKeyid]

picture you mom cooking and serving some mf who doesn't even help, talks shit, and makes this own son kick his ass. Parents don't need to find new sex, but sometimes its safer and less confusing if they just dip. For the kids. My folks should have..

[PeacefulSin93]

I agree with Dan and Jenn. If you don't show your children what a marriage is supposed to look like, then they will just repeat the cycle.

[realdealforsure]

two FAT IDIOTS promoting DIVORCE...GO T

[realdealforsure]

two FAT IDIOT promoting DIVORCE...GO TO HELL

[realdealforsure]

to all men never GET MARRIED...just FUCK them and change them as often as you change socks...bitches are bitches all they do is spread them....

[TATIAAR]

i think you're just an fucking asshole how can u say just fuck them and leave them their all we all have damm feeling

[thermonuclearwarfare]

i agree.

good job.

like the female host jen, i also have 2 daughters from a previous marriage. i felt trapped in a miserable, loveless marriage.

i'm now in love with a beautiful girl and my girls will be better off in the long run because we are longer in a disfunctional relationship.

[lawgrlinla]

Im in a situation where my husband has been very verbally abusive he told me hes got an addiction to drug which I was not aware of. I was about to leave him when I found out I was pregnant. He is now clean and sober but still an ass. I feel I deserve better, I asked for a divorce last week. Its so hard. At times I feel like Im breaking my family or guilty when I know Im right all along. Does this make sense?

[ishallownu5times]

It is the society. We treat divorse as a way of life, in the media, britney gets like 8 divorses geez. If you dont feel that the marrage will last forever dont get married at all. I used to live in asia where the parenting is much different, parents treat their kids with love and affection and the kids give it back, over here try to ask something for the kids they say FUCK YOU to the parents. Over 3/4 of my friends have a divorsed family and it looks like their future isnt too bright.

[supercomet32]

fuck communication and honesty if youve thought about a divorce and its come to that divorce staying together for the kids lets the kids see you unhappy or fighting. divorce but dont try to interfere with visitation and let each other be a parent but do not stay together it will ruin relationships with the kids if you dont

[shyguyyy38]

Our children did say they still want to be as married adults when they grow up but maybe have a longer engagement time to make their choices sure. Talk about children learning how relationships work through their experiences at home. My wife have been demanding a divorce during our entire 18 yrs together. I'd reply sweetly "okay, but what about my company sponsered health, dental and eye benefits for the whole family if you want me to leave?" She'd change her mind, until next time. 8 ^ )

[Bobzeaux]

Exactly. Married couples have better standards of living than singles. Just because you may not "love" each other anymore, that's no reason to not peacefully co-exist for the greater good.

[shyguyyy38]

Like I said, every family is different. Staying together and trying to make it work can be possible with both cooperating spouses. Likewise, it can be somewhat impossible for other situations. Even the children realize something is wrong (screaming mommy) and the children ask about it and it does help when one of the spouses can be honest with their children and answer their questions as forth right as possible.

[rasspliffari]

im not trying to win anything, i believe what im saying. and i am enjoying this because i do actually enjoy talking to people and learning different views to my own. if you wanna take that as being an "eprick" then fine. thats your perogative. i know who i am and who im not. geting back to the point, divorce is about freedom and liberty. its a completely personal choice and we are in no position to judge anyone else for their actions. thats my opinion and know i want to hear yours. ok? cool

[peaceonearth777]

You were immature, you have results. Thy come first. Divorce FUCKS up a kid's life. Every one I know. I stayed in a bad marriage but now into 23 years, it is great. So are the adult kids.

[countrydude102]

If people would marry the right kind of person it would make a big difference. For instance I married a gangbang coke whore with two children. How long do you think somehting like that will last?

[shyguyyy38]

With a divorce, my children would have to depend on their mother for everything (she does get frustrated with them bugging her with their issues when I'm at work, etc)and the children wouldn't have a father to count on for many of life's emergencies such as how to do taxes, how to buy a car, how to cook, help them get out of trouble, talking to their teachers for them, all the little things a father can and should do for them. My heart may be broken but the children's hearts are full of love.

[Bobzeaux]

And because you put your responsibilities over your personal desires, you sir are a REAL man.

[shyguyyy38]

Thanks. 8 ^ )

[Bobzeaux]

You're most welcome.

[shyguyyy38]

To divorce my wife and leave the house would turn the father/mother/children interaction on its head. The kids still think I love their mother also and I let them think this way during their growing years to help them feel secure and to be able to focus on life's priorites to take on the world should they leave the nest as responsible adults. Even their mother does not have a clue how miserable and unhappy I am with my heart broken and trampled. I just play along and hope for the best.

[rasspliffari]

what happens when your kids grow up and can see for themselves what is really going on? how do you justify lying to them? seriously man, its gonna bite you in the ass

[Bobzeaux]

If you can mask your lack of love for your spouse long enough until your kids grow up, how are they going to notice when they DO grow up? They're going to think that that's just how their parents are.

[rasspliffari]

does that not sound just a little messed up to you? cos to me that is majorly wierd, i mean huh? are you being serious?

[Bobzeaux]

What's messed up/weird? Marriage being considered sacred? Divorce being the easy way out when ALL relationships need some sort of work? Parents having to devote their entire lives to the lives of their children? Putting aside your own opinions (or at least using them tactfully) for the sake of civility and diplomacy? Giving the children both the mother and father figures needed for proper development? Stop me as soon as we hit the weird part here...

[rasspliffari]

you hit the wierd part pretty quick like. Marraige is sacred? thats the overiding problem here i'm thinking. this is not a question of religion, its a question of life. and dont give me the "religion IS life" spin, cos im not buying it. all relationships need work thats true, but sometimes it really is just over. my parents split up and it was definetly the right idea, you could see they were so much happier afterwards. was that wrong? i think you need to get your priorities in order

[Bobzeaux]

I never said anything about religion, that was all you. Marriage is supposed to be a sacred thing, no matter what your faith or lack thereof.

And yes, I think that your parents breaking up while you were still in their care was wrong. Their happiness should have come from the knowledge that they were putting you first.

[shyguyyy38]

Communication and honesty is the key. Children are not stupid. We weren't either when we were kids. The teenagers do know and ask about it. Then I answer their questions truthfully. I don't try to completely hide everything. Fate should have it: sometimes they don't like their mother and I have to remind them all the things their mother did for them. I encourage them to respect their mother and to be patient until they come of age to make their own choices when they are on their own.

[shyguyyy38]

I would like to say every situation is different. As for me, (18 yrs, first marriage and father of 3) I had every reason to divorce my wife b/c she has been unfaithful the entire time and I keep giving in to forgive her. I "stay married" because I'm helping my teenage son and daughter with many issues they're facing as teenagers do and I'm taking care of our 11 yr. old daughter as well with her homework and band practice for school and church. The kids need me and they need their Mommy.

[Bobzeaux]

YES, you need to stay married just for the kids. A BIG problem with this world is that kids are being raised to think that nothing they do can ever have life-changing consequences. Can't get a job? Apply for welfare and constantly vote democratic. Got an unwanted pregnancy? Just get an abortion and then you're free to start sleeping around again. We need to teach kids that there ISN'T a Reset button to Life. Stay together, and maybe trying swinging on the side(since that's so popular, it seems).

[rasspliffari]

no no no no no thats just dumb. what the hell are you talking about? this is NOT about abortions or welfare, dont come down here with your conservative rhetoric on the evils of a pemissive society, its just wrong. kids are treated like total idiots and it causes more problems than it solves. just tell your kids WHY you want to split up, WHAT is going to happen to them and HOW its not their fault. its not very complicated

[Bobzeaux]

You can't go into marriage or raising kids with the idea that you can just quit whenever you want. Once you marry, you're making a commitment to the person that you're going to be with him/her FOREVER, so it's a decision that can't be taken lightly. The same goes for having kids. If there's no more love in the couple, staying together and remaining civil about it teaches the kids how to live diplomatically. Kids need their mother AND father, and all divorce does is force them to take sides.

[rasspliffari]

who WANTS to get divorced? no-one gets married with the intention of splitting up. this all comes down to a simple question. how honest are you to your kids? if you start off lying to them and then you suddenly start telling the truth then of course its going to mess them up. if you tell them the truth ALL the time, then they will have a much better idea about the world, BEFORE they have to actually start dealing with it. like i said before, its NOT VERY COMPLICATED

[Bobzeaux]

According to how often it happens, it seems like more than HALF of married people want to divorce because they don't think things through. And the more we accept divorce as a viable alternative to actually trying to make a rough marriage work, the more we take away what once made marriage sacred.

You talk about always being 100% honest with the kids; would you say still that if one of the parents wanted out of the marriage because he/she for whatever reason hated the child?

[lawgrlinla]

what if you marry someone who changes completely later on. Is it still okay to be in an abusive relationship just for the kids?

[DatDamKeyid]

@lawgrlinla no

[bucktoothjackass]

Red herring much? Stay married just for kids? It's wonderful how you Conservatives believe in fucking life over so much for a lot of people. Makes them more likely to enlist when they're down on their luck doesn't it? A divorce isn't a reset button, there's fallout and consequences, but a dead marriage has a corpse and if you don't bury it it rots. Showing kids what the consequences are isn't helpful, showing the solution is better.

[Bobzeaux]

Oh, "you conservatives". Very mature, Mr. Hippie Liberal Douche. -_-

EVERYONE'S lives are fucked over from divorce. The parents now hate each other after they promised to love each other forever, the kids have to decide which parent they're going to betray by living with the other parent, more often than not the father is still forking over half of his salary while the mother keeps every dime that she makes... Marrying with a divorce clause only makes people make stupid decisions in life.

[bucktoothjackass]

Very mature how you turned you over some red herrings regarding welfare and abortion.

Exactly, yet you're treating it is if this won't teach them a consequence of a divorce. Staying married has a greater emotional toll, for everyone. But kids learn by example, and if they can't see their parents happy who's to see they'll ever know themselves. Staying together for the kid is BAD.

[Bobzeaux]

Do you even know what a red herring IS? I was citing welfare & abortion to illustrate my point about avoiding responsibility.

This WON'T teach them the consequences of divorce, that's why it continues to happen. When a married couple has kids, their lives must now be COMPLETELY devoted to the upbringing of those kids, and every kid needs both their mother and father. What kind of parent are you if you put your own wants and desires above the needs of your kids? A BAD one.

[bucktoothjackass]

What? Those are pure Red Herrings. Neither of those have to do with staying together for the kids. They're irrelevant points.

Every kid needs both a mother and a father, I like that. It's largely untrue, since you fail to see that there are plenty of success stories from single parents.

God, the children can't live in a dysfunctional relationship. The relationship will spill over and they'll feel the aftershock. Staying together will wreck their lives as well as your own.

[Bobzeaux]

I normally try to refrain from insulting people over the internet, but if you can't tell the difference between a red herring and a simile/analogy, you're an idiot, plain & simple.

There are plenty of success stories of single parents as opposed to how many success stories of parents who stayed together? Show me that.

The ONLY instance in which parents with kids should divorce is if the kids loathe one of the parents enough to do without him/her. That's IT.

[bucktoothjackass]

Those aren't analogies, they have absolutely no bearing on staying married for children or not doing so. Welfare does not relate!

Bill Clinton and Clarence Thomas are two great examples of politicians from that background. The entertainment industry is loaded with them.

Please, an unhappy relationship creates other domestic issues. Children are statistically more likely to enter risky and stupid behaviors if they come from unhappy households, typically caused by rocky parental relationships.

[Bobzeaux]

I guess the term "great" is defined by the individual then, isn't it? Bill Clinton's a cheater and almost everyone in the entertainment industry has to snort coke in order to achieve some sort of happiness. Nice.

If the parents can't be happy with each other, they're not going to be happy with ANYTHING they do in life. Relationships that aren't rocky are few and far between, but those who actually attempt to work it out will create a better and hopeful environment for the kids.

[bucktoothjackass]

Certainly Bill Clinton's personal life does not override his achievements in life, such as becoming a Rhodes scholar, becoming governor of Arkansas, becoming president, etc.

Those in the entertainment industry who have problems come from dysfunctional families.

But they can't force happiness. This isn't 1984, humans have dynamic emotions. They can't just force themselves to repair a relationship that has really died long ago, such as the one mentioned in this video.

[Bobzeaux]

No, they can't force happiness. But they CAN put their happiness aside in the name of making sure their kids are happy, like they're supposed to.

[rasspliffari]

people dont stop mattering when their kids are born, your kids come first obviously, but you have to think of yourself as well. what happens in twenty years when they grow up and move away and you are left with a life of complete misery brought on by your submission to the communally reinforced idea of marraige? haven't quite thought this one through have you.

[Bobzeaux]

You assume too much for your own good.

If a couple can successfully live together for 20 years, don't you think they would have become a little more than used to being with each other? In those 20 years, is it not possible that they would have found a way to make things work, or better yet, not mind being with each other anymore?

Haven't quite thought THAT one through, have you? -_-

[rasspliffari]

no i have thought it out, and its just not feasible. im not talking about couples with "difficulties" im talking about complete mismatches, people who are just not right for each other, and actually contribute to each others problems. my parents did put me and my siblings first by choosing to split up, the constant arguing, depression and violence was far more damaging to me than their break up. what is sacred if not a religious term? keep it coming man im really enjoying these little chats :)

[Bobzeaux]

The mismatching of your parents (you have my condolences) is PRECISELY my point; the more divorce we accept as a society, the less inclined we are to take marriage seriously and we never think about who it is we're marrying. Even if the kids DO recognize how badly their parents are together, the least they can get out of it is a cautionary example for their own benefit. 

Anyone/thing that someone is reverently dedicated to is sacred. It's not necessarily linked to religion.

[Bobzeaux]

Is oneupmanship really what this is all about to you? I said a statement based on my thoughts & opinions, and all you're doing is trying to call it stupid or irrelevant. Agree or disagree all you like, but all you're doing is being an e-prick.

If all you're doing is getting into bickering for the sake of bickering, why don't you do it with peaceonearth777 or shyguyyy38? They think what I think too.

[Bobzeaux]

I'm noticing you're not attacking shyguyyy38 for his beliefs on the matter, which aren't that off from my own.  Why is that?

[bucktoothjackass]

I haven't seen his comments, I'm just responding to yours.

[weelamoola]

but if kids see their paretns divorce then 9 times outta 10 the kids do the same. and they should go to a mariage court thing and should'nt hav been married or hav sex before marriage at the frst place

[JaneCochran]

Having lived in a dysfunctional family, I see the dysfunction as the problem, not marriage or divorce. Me, and others I know who also were kids in a divorce, would've been fine (maybe even supportive) of a divorce had the 'rents been MATURE about the separation instead of adding a bunch of stupid, immature drama and even getting violent and criminal over it.

[ravemachin]

28 months mariage and 23 month old kid plus the 9 month pregnancy...so all of this happened pretty fast...really poorly tought out by both parties...they were clearly not made for each other

never stay engaged for a kid..if you do so you will be unhappy and it will affect your whole life thus affecting your kid in the end

take your time when you meet someone get to know the person it's easy to stop a relation but when a kid is involved it's pretty different

[DanAndJenn]

Thanks for all of the well thought our comments you've been leaving!

[gossamerwindweb]

The baby is under 2 years old. Leave. Jennifer is right. Letting them think dysfunctional relationships are the norm is not good. You want THEM to have good relationships when they grow up.

[halo2994]

aaronmp2003, i could not agree with you more.

[aaronmp2003]

Staying married for ANY reason other than the fact that you WANT to be married is always a mistake. In fact, because you WANT to do something is the only reason you should ever do anything. :)

[carnypimp]

@aaronmp2003 Then I would be unemployed lol! Maybe 1,000 jobs later.

[ifxman]

Couldn't agree you more! 5/5

Lot of problems stem from children learning by example and most times see it as what to do, be, God for bid, NORMAL?! LOL :)

Too many getting married and staying married for all the wrong reasons...touchy topic but you guys always handle them well...much Luv!

Ciao 4 Now,

Tony

[meestahwill]

I often ask myself the same question. I wish my wife would just disappear sometimes and leave the kids with me. The world we live in favors the woman in custody cases regardless of who is right or wrong.....so I stay. BTW, I love me some Dan and Jen!!!!!

[DanAndJenn]

Having to deal with a spouse - current or divorced - can be a real pain in a**!

My ex and I fought all the time and seemed to disagree about everything - with Dan, they get to see me laugh and smile...

While I chose to not stay married - we do have shared 50% custody of our children. Is that the easiest thing for me? No way! It really sucks and I miss them terribly - but I do recognize that they need both parents in their life - assuming both parent love them and take care of them.

[DanAndJenn]

BTW - You are absolutely right. A woman has to be totally abusive and neglectful to the kids for the dad to get full custody.

I like to think that's changing though because I'm amazed at the number of single dads I see at school. :-)

[JaneCochran]

When my 'rents divorced, I wanted to live with Granny (as I had during the worst of the separation), and she agreed to take me. But Mom needed the child support for her bad habits (smoking, drinking, etc) and insisted on me. My so-called "court advocate" tried everything in her power to make me choose to live with Mom & when I refused, I was told I was living with Mom for "my own good" anyway. I ended up running away from home and not going back (for a brief visit) until almost 22.