No Tough Love with Borderline Personality Disorder

[Jozzie16]

I was looking for another kind of personality disorder, but this is really interesting. It must be harder to overcome BPD as you get older since there's often no one there to put down those "boundaries"....

[tomasso123]

My ex girl-friend has BPD. She was so lovely on the outside with a charming but her BPD made it very difficult for me to deal with. Our relationship was like a rollercoaster and i've experienced everything from her cheating on me on accasions, spending nights in the hospital because she fell (due to alcohol). Now its been 8 weeks and I miss her so much. I cannot understand why?

[TMWruns]

The psych world is inhospitable to people with BPD--everything is about how to live with a person with BPD, and most articles & books say the condition is untreatable--ergo throw this human being in the garbage and get on with your life without them. It's the cruelest situation--psych world should be ashamed. We SUFFERED when we were children--and you did not--so now you trash us because you had the good fortune of having a good upbringing? The world is screwed up.

[ajaykeer23939]

I am quiet and very shy/soft spoken in school and outside at times............. but i don't inflict harm to myself or to others............. Also i don't have crazy mood swings/anxiety/depression or take any medications of any sort.......... to others i am considered normal............ i think however i function poorly or lazily when it comes to do certain tasks that have deadlines............

[HardeyLeone]

Say this:

I am on a healing journey and I am not the person I used to be

I am not who I once was. I am healing. I am not yet the all of the person that I hope to be. In the meantime the me that I am is all that I have and I will do all I can to love, esteem, respect, nurture and love this me.

[lizcatlover]

i like what she talking about im borderline and when i have like a problem and i get a bit out of me my family tend to scream to me and say negative things to me and that make me feel worst and more anxious

[teresa6565]

My daughter is just like what she describes. So now I'm beginning to understand. However, her future employers and co-workers will NOT be soft with her, so I fear she will not be able to hold a job. What kind of jobs are best for young BPD adults who are just beginning DBT skills classes?

[13abbitt]

I'm 46 & was incorrectly typed Borderline, for a long time, now. It gathers its own steam in the therapists' notes. In DBT, I saw good & bad therapy. It may be useful to think of dealing with Borderline individuals with a sort of Motherly Love (no matter who you had for a mother!). A mother who wishes to teach all kinds of wonderful things to her child, so that the child will grow up to be strong and independent, and happy to be alive. Sometimes the tx of BPD seems to lack a soul. peace to all.

[Eshrimpski]

I'm not sure of anyone else experience, but with my family, they refuse to go to therapy, I'm the only one that has to go, they think I'm the only one with the problem...and they don't know how to communicate well, so trying to explain how I am feeling, or where I am coming from is rather pointless...

[Eshrimpski]

I'm currently living with my parents after living away from them for several years. It's been so chaotic...I was diagnosed with BPD about 3 years ago, and I try and talk to them and tell them why I get upset at what they say, but they just don't seem to understand. I told my mom that having BPD makes me feel like I'm walking around without any skin on, so a lot of criticism makes me feel like she's pouring rubbing alcohol on an open wound...

[blupheonix44]

Yup, this vid is so true. I remember growing up, going thru the same thing. My parents might not have even been talking about me, but it automatically switches to "WTF did I do this time". Having no "skin" is a great way to describe it, btw...

[Anaprince]

I like this lady. She gets it. All the therepists Ive been to blow. lol

[tpaigeme]

bpds need the kind of professional help that most people cannot afford. I do feel sorry for them, but I feel more sorry for the people they enjoy taking advantage of, abusing, blaming, etc. especially their children. A lot of these people, in lieu of accessible psychiatry based on the individual's means, if this were a just world, would be locked up. All "therapists" who get rich on the misery of others should be right there w/ them, behind bars, giving them free trtmnt, if ths wer a jst wrld.

[TheMcFooky]

Thank you so much for adressing this issue!

[McCaler]

Tami Green is beautiful.

[BPDinUK]

......

I think she has done so well. I see myself in her and I know we have a chance.

[rbogdewic]

NowTHAT'S a great video

[Eshrimpski]

I was diagnosed with BPD about 2 years ago...I have the worst time trying to get along with my mom...she tells me to "just deal with life", and I'm overly sensitive and irrational. And if I get upset she says she has to remind herself I get upset cause I am "mentally ill"...don't "normal people get upset when people say hurtful things as well...

[tpaigeme]

That's exactly what my BPD wife's mother says to her...just deal with it...suck it up. she is a very negating person. possibly a narcissist. but aren't a lot of parents like this? I mean their arent' that many sensitive caring tv moms out there.

[ethernetstd]

@Eshrimpski Yes they do, but most "normal" people as you say it, don't lash out at their love ones at uncomfortable times. It isn't fair to expect others to deal with your problems, you have to do that yourself.

[o0bustedbearings0o]

@Eshrimpski keeping track of the number of times I hear "get over it" from my mom and the "mentally ill" comment in a confrontation, let alone a week, is almost impossible. My mom tells me I'm overly sensitive all the time as well. Worse than that is when I get "oh please, here we go with the emotions again" or "bring on the drama".

There should be a manual on parenting as extensive as the encyclopedia britannica.

[lambchopclmt]

@Eshrimpski omg thank you for saying that. ever sense my parents learned i had BPD they think it's an excuse for there behavior "oh, she *in reality pulled my through the living room by my hair* wasn't given her way, she's just acting out that damn BPD -Shake fits-" If you get what i mean, and that wasn't an exageration either. Now that i have been diagnosed EVERY is even MORE so my fault. i am CRAZY they don't do any wrong it's all me, I'm wrong in ever way.

[YouKidsNever]

As someone who was diagnosed as a BPD, I no longer believe in the label-it's most definitely not an "illness". It's a lack of responsibly and realistically dealing with/understanding one's emotions.

[urbanprop]

I was diagnosed at the age of 21. At the age of 28, I left therapy and was no longer classified as BPD.

At the beginning of the sessions, I needed a lot of understanding and as you said no tough love. At the end of my therapy, I needed just that: tough love. Somebody who doesn't allow me to walk all over them while manipulating and not letting me get away with poor excuses since my therapist was sure, I knew better. And she was right.

[bpdsupport]

Excellent comment :) And also excellent to know you recovered!

[urbanprop]

My therapist suggested I look at it as PTSD. So, I researched it and have to agree strongly with her. We're scared out of our minds, heavily traumatized, detached, and the worst thing you can do, is approach us with a bat swinging. I have dogs, all rescues, and honestly, their behavior reminds me a lot of my old-own. Sometimes they snap at you at the beginning, but with time, they become the best companions. But this requires of course a lot of work on the side of the "dog".

[WonderWoman101]

Thank you Thank you Thank you

[Gorgoroth969]

what if you like cutting yourself not just to "feel" but you like seeing the blood and scars you leave behind but you have all the other synptoms but would rather still live with them than to go to the doctors again. Does this mean you dont have BPD but something else?

[tweakz20]

people cut for their own personal reasons- every action we do is for some sort of gratification, even if we aren't consciously aware of what that is.. cutting is a very broad symptom of many psychological disorders. if you have issues you want to resolve, visit a mental health professional.. labels are not important

[CuteCatFaith]

@tweakz20 Bravo.

[ChrisJJonson]

i hated my wife but now i feel very sorry for her, i know its very difficult for me to live with her

but atleast i understand her now.

[marindoll]

@ChrisJJonson : i'm glad smb understand, that it's not our fault, but a pain inside that tortures and won't go away

[CuteCatFaith]

@ChrisJJonson She needs lines drawn and terms and you need support when she wears you down. She may have been abused or neglected and will stop at NOTHING to keep you with her, even breaking you down and abusing you.

[ashleyjuliette22]

i suspect my mother has bpd-sounds like you're describing her personality

[bpdsupport]

There are more or less effective ways of communicating and a validating style is more helpful all the way around.

This presentation was given to parents who found it very helpful to learn how to understand their children.

Research indicates that a validating environment helps a sensitive child gain a stronger sense of self.

Be yourself. Tell the truth. Maintain your boundaries. With someone with BPD or without. But do so skilllfully :-)

Validate. validate. validate.

Love to all, Tami

[midsta]

I have to disagree with your comments in the video. People who live with or support people with BPD should not have to 'tip toe' every time they open their mouths and be extra cautious in what they say. This sets the precedent that the 'well' people in the dynamic have to change their behaviour, not the person with BPD who may be emotional. In all my interactions with people with BPD, no matter how you phrase something, if they are in bad space', they will turn the meaning of what you have said.

[misstiggykins]

People who live with/support those with BPD should not have to 'tip toe' around the individual, but it is really vital that they do recognise the individual's sensitivities, which are an integral part of their temperament. In that way the professional may need to adopt a particular behaviour pattern to effectively help their patient. This, of course, does not mean crossing any boundaries, but simply validating the patient's feelings, however trivial they may seem to the professional (CONT...)

[CuteCatFaith]

@misstiggykins Good point. A kind sincere word, some empathy, can go a long way.

[xxneondinosaur]

No. You have to be supportive yet firm. You cannot let a person with BPD manipulate you. You have to empathize with them, sympathize, but then have a rational part in what you say. It helps bring people with BPD back to reality a lot, or at least think about it...

If you dont have all three of those statements, it will only bring out more irrational feelings, because they only think in black and white. And I can tell you this, because I am diagnosed with it. I have all 9 criteria...so...

[TMWruns]

@midsta this is a very stupid comment, really. People with BPD, myself included, have had a hellish life, starting with a hellish childhood that caused the whole problem in the first place. Why should you have to tip-toe? Because you, assuming you are as perfectly healthy as you claim, have had the benefit of a wonderful childhood. So now the price is that you have to tolerate those who did not have that same benefit.

[PNHassett]

Youtube video:

watch?v=JqN67bSxXVQ

I had an art instructor who praises this instructor as a prior mentor. I'm pretty certain she has BPD.

You're basically telling me this kind of behavior contributes to escalating BPD traits....and I'm not disagreeing with you.

I'm just wondering why you'd think a person with BPD would endure that kind of behavior, when intuitively you know it more greatly manifests the symptoms?

Above video was at Art Center, a $120,000 tuition art school.

[bpdsupport]

PN:

I think there is much confusion surrounding the issue of "tough love". We, as healthy individuals, maintain our personal boundaries with others. But many are extreme in that they either are too lax, or they sadly sacrifice the relationship for the objective, when that is not their intent. Skillful BPD communication requires a gentle, firm, consistent and compassionate approach.

Love to all, Tami

[PNHassett]

Aren't there people with BPD that admire tough love behavior because they wish they could achieve that kind of control themselves?

There's this emotional aspect of BPD that makes people around them feel guilty for their behavior done upon the BPD persona.

How much of that is a controlling aspect, just as tough love is a controlling aspect?

I have a facial paralysis, and I know what it's like to be emotionally manipulated and ostracized. This questioning is at an academic level.

[o0bustedbearings0o]

@PNHassett from my perspective I appreciate when someone calls me out on behavior that is unnecessary when it is done tactfully and with regard to my feelings. I feel that, too often, the circumstances surrounding "tough love" are not ideal for promoting a positive sense of understanding. Family members, being upset, tend to react rather than respond. Essentially, what's being promoted is keeping your cool in a situation where you are a more qualified candidate to do so.

[justwant2login]

Only just found this one!!! :o)

Tami, thank you for more intelligent and affirming words in the battle against BPD.

Your fan -Dx

[PNHassett]

Actually, I encountered a woman that has BPD, and I still like her despite the anger. However, she put a lot of emphasis on what I said. I felt my quips were very light hearted, yet she took what I said as an afront to her, which I believe they weren't. I would never deliberately want to hurt her.

What I find strange is she came out of a marriage that ended in domestic violence and she admires this person:

watch?v=JqN67bSxXVQ

That was her prior mentor, and she's an artist.

It's bizarro world.

[strangelittlegirl27]

This makes alot of sense to me