Deconversion part 4: I Am the Only One to Blame for This

[MyEmmaLeeRose]

you give me chills sir

[thisutuber]

FINALLY and THANKFULLY I have figured out

Why I have subconsciously resented and raged at myself and everyone else for all these years:

Because we are all so damn weak that we couldn’t be as Good and Strong as Jesus,

• thereby making Life Hell-on-Earth for each other (rather than the Heaven that it could be),

• also forcing God to stay invisible and unreachable (He can’t stand us either)

• and taking so long to return for us (since we failed to convert all the world).

So sad.

Waste.

[thisutuber]

Clinical depression. The church needs education in mental health.

[joebharris]

Nice work. You have a talent for video production. I look forward to the next video.

Good luck.

[truckcompany]

Those worship services remind me of when I use to be a Christian.

I would stand there praying and worshiping God and remembering all the sin that I had done and feeling so guilty of it. But I knew that God was going to forgive me and make me anew, everything was going to be fine because I gave myself to him, he had my life and I trusted him to make it good.

That was until the next day, reality sat in, the rush was gone. This cycle would happen over and over.

[Prplfox]

@truckcompany true that

[wellthenif]

@Prplfox You say you are the only one to blame? I heartily disagree...you are surrounded & helped to immerse yourself. Fundies would be thrilled to hear you blaming only yourself. I think that's very much only part of the story. Some of the story? Yes. All of it. Absolutely not. Fundies should (& won't) take responsibility for their part. Remember, they're right & everybody else is wrong - period! (oh yeah, it's not really them, it's the almighty speakin' thru them.<<<BULL SHIT!)

[Prplfox]

@wellthenif "I am the only one to blame for this" is the first line of Worlds Apart by Jars of Clay. It's what I felt at the time when my faith was falling apart, and it is intrinsic to the Jesus message. A lot of deconverting Christians experience this.

[wellthenif]

@Prplfox  ibid.

...But/& those are fine feelings you/we/they had/have.

[EdwardHowton]

Thank you.

Videos like these anger me. The things that people do to children for religion, the pain and hurt...

It's like taking a gambler and telling him to pour more and more money into the machine, little wins here and there to keep him hooked, but then berating him when he doesn't hit the jackpot. It's your fault, you're broken, you're sick, you're doing it all wrong, what's wrong with you, keep putting money in the machine.

It's not okay at all. It has to stop. Somehow.

[Prplfox]

@EdwardHowton I am right there with you in everything you said

[wellthenif]

@EdwardHowton Good comments. There are lot's of things that folks feel they regret but they don't know it until they can reflect, which implies an experience. Fundamentalism uses/abuses peoples efforts to be good....which can be done w/o fundamentalism. How to create community with intimacy? <--in a sense, that's the fundamentalist allure. Somehow, I suspect Capitalistic themes in the need for an enemy to polarize & control others/society.

[Himmeldude]

Great story. I wish my ex girlfriend would be willing to watch these. She's devout on the surface, but I know deep down she knows what bs religion is.

[Prplfox]

@Himmeldude I've tried to be sensitive to that in making these videos as non-confrontational as possible. Maybe ask her to watch them with you, it might help you have a meaningful conversation about it.

[aurorabarajas]

Thank you for sharing this :)

[scienceratscom]

These videos seem to be made with much strength and love. Thank you for sharing your story. I never went through anything quite as traumatic as you (ie. always attended emotionally charged worship retreats, was a creationist proponent in high school but under my breath). However even during the height of this I always felt disconnected, I never felt the emotions that all the other christians seemed to feel about God. Not even when I was 'saved'.

My best friend from this time who I've...

[scienceratscom]

who I had lost contact with - may be getting back in touch. She ended up attending a christian university and I'm terrified of telling her that my religion has 'faded away'. I might do the same as you did initially and just not talk about it. I don't want to hurt her, she loves God very much and I don't ever want to be the one who would initially put the doubt in her mind. As much as your story resonates with me, it is a traumatic tale and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

[Prplfox]

@scienceratscom It will be harder if you wait years before telling her. You don't have to talk her out of her faith, just tell her who you are. If you had any other major change in your life, you would tell your friend, but I completely understand why this is different, and like you, I wouldn't wish a deconversion on anyone. But I wish someone had told me. I don't think silence is as protective as we mean for it to be. Thank you for the kind words.

[CMDTim]

I had all of this but drifted away and ignored it as a young adult. Then I started my very first relationship at the age of 23 with an amazing non-Christian woman. But she brought something out of me. I could no longer ignore my beliefs, I had to solve them. This is a very traumatic process, and through it I have lost my first love, my God, and my family! I have more than 20 books piled up on my desk which Im trying to read through. I only hope their is light on the other side. Thanks 4 ur story

[Prplfox]

@CMDTim Traumatic is the right word, I'm talking about that more in the next video. You have a good friend. There is light on the other side but it can take a while.

[apt3444]

Hey, I just wanted to say, I watched the parts you've uploaded so far, and though our stories differ, a lot of emotional aspects are the same. The incredible feelings of isolation and walking your path alone cannot be understated. In a sense, there's a feeling of fear, almost, because you don't even know how to deal with the world anymore. You have to start from scratch. Very tough. Thank you so much for making these great videos and sharing your story. I look forward to the next one.

[Prplfox]

@apt3444 It's like being born again, again. Fear and love defined the entire experience. It's not just not knowing how to deal with the world, it's not knowing who you are. Thanks for your words

[violentlygraceful]

Running to the think which hurt me the most. Sounds very familiar. I look forward to the continuation of this story.

[Prplfox]

@violentlygraceful "Running to the thing which was hurting me the most" There are a lot ways this happens even outside of Christianity, but what makes it so destructive in this context is that as a Christian, I believed I was doing the bravest thing I could.

[felixthehuman]

I have been wondering for a while what it is like to be on the altar instead of in the pew- your story is really fascinating, and makes me maybe less cynical towards religious leaders (at least the younger ones).

[deltaxcd]

Interesting fact that IN US You mostly have so loving relationship with Jesus while In my country I mostly had idea of god similar as Santa Claus, who is some kind of super cop which also gives rewards for good behavior.

I newer saw any signs of love in our church just pure fear.

also we see old christian women as beings worse than demons. and these seem to be rulers of the church. I wonder if US is same. Do you allow old women to dictate God's laws for you?

[Prplfox]

@deltaxcd In the Christian communities I was involved in we didn't put down women. Also, I think a difference between where you come from and where I do is that my pastors weren't a figure to "dictate God's law" but rather to teach messages and encouragement from the bible. I followed Jesus because of love, not fear. The true fear I experienced was losing my faith. I think a deconversion becomes more personal and painful when your relationship with Jesus is this way.

[deltaxcd]

@Prplfox

Pastors were quite neutral in my community, they just read random verses and say nothing worth listening. everything was mostly run by old women, who use god as some kind of invisible policeman threatening everyone with hell.

However I don't understand how your church is capable to attract people , it is quite impossible that many people actually feel love for Jesus. Lots of intimidation and fear for community rejection is required to keep church alive.

[Prplfox]

@deltaxcd Where I am from, the "attraction" to church is established when you are a kid (like my experience in Part 1). I fully agree with you that in some contexts "Lots of intimidation and fear for community rejection is required to keep church alive." However in the communities I was in, it is not so much fear as it is emotional potency (achieved by worship, youth groups, preaching, personal relationship...) that is keeping church alive.

[PenNameGuy]

Well, time to go insane... :<

[Prplfox]

@PenNameGuy what is making you feel like that?

[PenNameGuy]

@Prplfox *replies by pm*

[watamala1]

Dude you had it sooo good with god man you loved him soo much and you let your love die! Don't you know how hard it is!? Serving god when all is well is easy but when every thing starts too fall apart or when you don't feel his presence for long periods of times is when you need god the most! O how my heart aches for you man! Your a warrior dont stop fighting till the last breath! Its not too late too come back god loves you soo much! I love

You too. Remember pursue god first and everything els

[Prplfox]

@watamala1 Thank you for your empathetic words. I did fight, this video is some of it, but I went on for 3 more years after this, doing everything I could to remain a Christian while I helplessly lost everything I believed in. I didn't turn away from God because it was too hard, I am no longer a Christian because I couldn't believe it was true anymore. It was precisely because I was such a warrior clinging to and keeping my eyes on Jesus despite this that made the process so painful.

[londonshumblest]

Once I started watching I couldn't look away. Your story is so similar to mine, especially the emotional aspects of it. I deconverted a few years ago. I hope that this series can be complete by the time I can share it with my little brothers, who are in high school now. I don't want to begin the conversation (hurting them) but I hope they will begin it somehow with me. I didn't know what to tell them when they asked. Now I will show them this. Thank you.

[Prplfox]

@londonshumblest "I don't want to begin the conversation (hurting them)" that is a very real part of my story as well. It will come out more in future episodes. There is a quote for you in Part 1 at 0:25.

[Bobboau]

wait... fall of 2001?

So as this shit storm in your life is going on 3000 people get murdered by people filled with what they think is divine righteousness in your state? don't tell me that didn't have any effect on you, even if not directly the people you were dealing with would have been.

[Prplfox]

@Bobboau Yes for sure that affected me and the people I was with, some of us knew people in Manhattan. I didn't, at the time, understand the religious significance of that event. It's easier to think other people aren't like you.

[chanceofrainne]

Thank you so much for sharing your story here. It's taken a lot of courage, I think, and I really admire that a lot.  I look forward to part five.

[animals0feel1pain2]

Should I share this with a friend who's a moderate Christian but uses faith as an emotional support in tough times? I don't want to take that away from him, but Christianity is also causing him problems in the sense that it's conflicting with his reason a lot of the times.

[Prplfox]

@animals0feel1pain2 I think my answer to this is, ask your friend. Tell him about the series and ask him if it is something he would like to watch with you. If it helps you have a meaningful open non-threatening conversation with him then you are not doing anything wrong.

[DeavonReye]

One day, this same conversation would be mine [explaining why I could no longer be a christian]. I played for years on a worship team. Played bass SO well that I was being used in a "mega church" for three Sunday services for a total of ~8,000 people, . . . each week, conflicted that I no longer believe it. . . . . thinking, surely someone would see it on my face, but they were oblivious. I eventually walked away for good. Those friends, . . . now gone. But I had to be true to myself.

[Prplfox]

@DeavonReye I spent so long terrified that I would be found out, that others would see it in me. Your story is important, you should tell it ;)

[DeavonReye]

@Prplfox I tried to on my channel, but I just don't have the equipment, sound, and photo files to make a very attractive presentation. I hope to [one day] have the ability to produce a video half as well done as your! :-)

[erroneousbosch]

@prplfox Thank you for sharing. I was never a believer, but I find your story a fascinating and intense experience. I have known other people who have gone through deconversion and haven't ever had it exposed so deeply to me. Thank you.

[Chinchilla7Man]

I love your video series. It resonates with me a great deal with me since I went through the same hurt, shame, and isolation as I lost my Christian faith. I remember knowing things I couldn't talk about, wanting to love God but not knowing how, fighting my questions and doubts to pursue Him, and feeling lost and alone. I remember how much I blamed myself for those things.

I feel a lot of pain from my past, but by listening to your story, I feel like I can embrace mine more fully. Thank you.

[Prplfox]

@Chinchilla7Man wow

[swordnquil]

@Prplfox I do realize that. Believe me, the 'sad' in my comment was meant only in the best of ways. It saddens me that you had to go through all of that, that (up until this point in your story) you really had no shoulder to lean on, no outside comfort to help you through the agony, that the only people there to be turned to were the very ones who wouldn't understand what was going through your heart.

That you have the incredible strength and bravery to come through this is awe inspiring.

[jacktoe1]

This was extremely powerful and moving. Your choice of music, and the images you use, contribute greatly to understanding how you felt. Thank you, sincerely, for posting.

[Prplfox]

@jacktoe1 Thank you so much. I wrote the music hoping it could help the voice come through.

[4whatwhycool]

This is so good and yet difficult. All I could think about was wishing I'd been there to hug you and how glad I am that you are here for others. Loving and serving Jesus is an all encompassing identity that brings meaning, purpose and self-worth. To walk away tears at the core as you so eloquently describe in this video. It's beautiful and moving and sad. The music is gorgeous. Thank you for this and please don't take three months to get out part 5.

[14kinetik]

woohoo part four!  thank God.. i mean...

[SamWiseGingy]

There is no door in the faith marked exit. Those who leave the faith must throw a chair through the window.

But it's worth it to get your mind back.

[swordnquil]

Wow. This is all mindblowing and just...amazing, and sad. Always an atheist, I was raised RC, which is big on ritual, small on fellowship. You didn't go to Church to meet up with buddies.

Since my secular life in no way crossed paths with my 'religious' life, my friends, peers and support came 100% from OUTSIDE the church, so when I announced, at age 12, that I was never going to Church again, it wasn't a difficult thing because all I had to lose was getting up early on a Sunday morning.

[MsWildtiger]

@swordnquil imagine how atheists in muslim societies feel, like in Saudi Arabia, or even in their own communities in the west...sometimes I cry reading posts on the council of ex muslims website. People literally lose everything if they express themselves, including their inheritance from their own parents or spouses, their children, their rights.

[Offensivebunny]

watching this makes me feel so very fortunate that my own deconversion was quick and relatively painless. Thank you so much for sharing, I'm crying right now for the turmoil you experienced.

[Ihatemelee]

when is part 5? and I know this is probably a redundant question but Im guessing your atheist now?

I wish you well.

[Prplfox]

@Ihatemelee It's not redundant but yes I identify as an atheist. It will take me a few months for part 5.

[HadimusRex]

I never realized how painful losing faith could be. I did not have a strong belief in the supernatural, and atheism is a logical conclusion that I accepted easily. When I did go to church as a child, I did not take it very seriously. In hind sight, I don't think I ever believed in God. I see now that I was very lucky, I could not imagine going through what you have.

[Torcika]

Life is to be taken with a grain of salt.and a lot of auto irony 

[colossus999]

Thank you so much for continuing the series. Nobody else's youtube videos inspire me with the kind of emotional response that yours do. I can empathize a lot, as well. The staff picture from your church camp experience looks, from my point of view, almost the same as the picture from the camp I worked at. It gave me a lot of nostalgia.

[Prplfox]

@colossus999 If you can hear your own story while I'm telling mine, then I'm doing it right :)

[zwwalker]

Great series thus far Prplfox! Thank you so much. Take Care.

[Prelude610]

This was the second time I watched your series and it was better for time the second time. Why, well, mostly because it was so clear what a messed up kid you were, and the fact that you seem to have turned this around is commendable. Also, your videos convey both the information and emotional elements very well. That is difficult to do.Third, I think the emotional element is what will resonate with others that, well, need to be rescued. Another example of why the Internet is better than TV.

[Prplfox]

@Prelude610 The internet is changing everything and you and I get to be part of that. Thank you so much for this.

[Thinks4Herself2011]

Your videos area amazing! You express so poignantly the inner struggle you were experiencing while deconverting, and my heart aches for what you went through and also for all of us out here who traveled a similar path. I'm grateful for what you're sharing, especially since being accused of never having read the Bible, never being a "true believer," and being "shallow." It bothers me greatly that believers accuse those who think for themselves as being weak, insincere, and unworthy.

[Prplfox]

@Thinks4Herself2011 Thank you :) I'm trying to address this in some ways with these videos. Christianity is self-sustaining, it has to be, and one of the ways it accomplishes this is to debase the value of those who speak against it. It is painful but it is part of the reality we are in and there are reasons why it happens. The bible reinforces it (Eph 4:17-19 is an example). I hope this series helps others find their voice.

[CeaselesslyCurious]

This is now my fourth time watching this. I love the way you honestly, openly share your experience with us. Even though I don't know you personally, I am certain that you are good-hearted, loving person. This was very deep, compelling and emotionally captivating.

[Prplfox]

@CeaselesslyCurious thank you I wasn't sure with this episode if I was going the best way with it. It is meaningful that it connects with you like this

[janeyanna]

It's like that joke about the drunk: 'I don't have a problem with alcohol, only without.'

I'm glad you found your way out, not only of Christianity and Religion, but of Godism, too.

The depth of your faith in the beginning and the immensity of the crisis you went through really makes this story strong.

[janeyanna]

Believers often say that all Atheists are just angry and just want to sin without regrets. Your story shows how hard it is to part from a deeply held faith, how hard you tried to believe, how sincere you were in your love; yet you couldn't do it.

You saw the lies and - pardon my jargon - what has been seen can't be unseen.

I'll link these videos to my gradfather whom I had a discussion about religion with. He seems to struggle.

[Prplfox]

@janeyanna I am very aware of how Christians rationalize ex-Christians, and I understand why it happens, why it has to happen. One of the most painful parts of "you tried to believe, how sincere you were in your love; yet you couldn't do it." for a deconverting Christian is knowing that the untruth you are finding isn't just about you, it's about everyone who believes in it.

[janeyanna]

I have been an Atheist all my life and it was quite a shock for me when I found out that religious people actually do believe what they say. I thought, with gods it's the same as with Santa Clause; everybody knows it's just a story, but we all play along because it's fun.

That's why I always reacted with terrible anger when people said "You can't do that because God said no.". I was thinking: "You know that's not true and just abuse the game to get your way!"

[janeyanna]

So, I can partly understand how you must feel for those around you, who haven't yet thought themselfs out of that mind prison.

[janeyanna]

Oh, btw, I like the music you wrote for your videos! You're really talented :) Good thing you broke free; now all that talent is yours and yours alone to use just the way you want to.

[limericklad2000]

@janeyanna I think the majority of people who would identify as religious believe and behave as you say. The minority, like this particular uploader, really do have a deeply held belief in what they're taught. This usually comes from a complete immersion in their particular religion from a young age as is the case here.

[janeyanna]

I don't know. I have talked to lots of believers, and even people whose beliefs were far away from any conventional religion asked me questions like: "But without a god, how can there be morality?" They don't practice, but they still very much depend on a supernatural to answer certain fundamental questions.

Religions teach lots of insidious little lies that permeate the thinking of believers and keep them believing at least in some very basic stuff.

[HistorySkeptic]

"i am the only one to blame for this."

"i had just told him his faith was not real."

"the catastrophe freezes and becomes experienced in perpetuity."

It's that form of religion which claims not to be one, but simply a relationship which is the most insidious of all. It's supposed to be for eternity, unconditional, completely holy and selfless, but what happens when it ends? It wasn't supposed to ever end, that's what makes it almost unbearable when it does. Part of you dies.

[Prplfox]

@HistorySkeptic Yes, you are saying it my friend

[Comp1337e]

I feel for you. Those are some hard things to go through.

[ThePakowako]

This video really made me think how I was kind of a cynic during my deconversion. And how I wasn't as indoctrinated as I thought. I think everyone goes through it in different ways.

[OlenWhitaker]

Again, thank you so much for sharing the story of your deconversion. By now it is clear how difficult and deeply personal this process was and I respect your courage both in making this difficult journey, and in your willingness to share the experience.

[Prplfox]

@OlenWhitaker Thank you, a lot more people go through this than are speaking about it

[pianodemon88]

It is so odd in a way that, like me, there is another "Potsdam group" de-convert. The college ministries by the area churches and the strong IV presence heavily influences Christian college students. It is amazing that anyone from that group would de-convert. They are a cohesive caring bunch. However, the hardest thing for any evangelical Christian group is to understand the doubting and struggling. It is a shame, but not surprising your friend wouldn't understand you.

[Prplfox]

@pianodemon88 well, you and me can represent ;)

[SkepticalBliss]

Your story is so REAL - so RAW! Your story had helped me more than you could imagine. I have been a victim of indoctrination too. I think the most painful part is the discovery and then having to live with yourself afterwards. Ironically, when I prayed to god for the "Truth" to be reveaied, I was exposed to all the deception and lies of the Christian doctrine. It was then that "Atheism" was introduced to my life. And "god" "answered my prayers" in this way?...

[Prplfox]

@SkepticalBliss It is brutal irony that we embrace the Christian message which is untrue with the intention of seeking the purest truth as Christianity presents itself. Thank you for this

[davidmurderbass]

Thank you very much for continuing to share your story Prplfox. It's been nearly a decade since I had heard that Jars of Clay song, and it was utterly disturbing how despite having lost my faith many years ago, the chords, progression and the sound of the singers voice grabbed my heart string. The tentacles of indoctrination run deep.

Keep the videos coming, it's very encouraging. 

[Prplfox]

@davidmurderbass That song does the same to me, even though the words are against how I feel about value now

[RoyalMessup]

the geography is starting to make more sense. not only am i looking forward to hearing more about how you gave it all up, but also why you decided to ride your bike a couple hundred miles back to potsdam as described in the first video.

[Foxcanine1]

I had to watch this bit by bit because for some reason my computer wasn't loading it very fast. Normally, when something like this occurs, I just give up and try again later. Your video makes it impossible for me to do that. I watched it bit by bit, over and over because it's impossible not to. I sincerely look forward to the next installment in the series.

[Prplfox]

@Foxcanine1 it is meaningful to hear it connects to you this way

[TheLuckySaGe]

Every Christian should watch this video to understand how much it hurts for Christians to say that atheists were never "true christians". Many atheists like myself took Christianity very seriously and for someone to accuse us of not being sincere is devastating.

[Prplfox]

@TheLuckySaGe I'm with you. I'm going to talk about that more in later parts

[RoyalMessup]

your voice reassures me every time i hear you say something new. beautiful.

[Prplfox]

@RoyalMessup thank you internet friend

[ponicsan000]

Thanks for this, Prplfox. I am enjoying your series and only regret I'll have to wait a few months for part 5. : )

I lost my faith as well although it was significantly less painful because I never truly believed it to begin with. I was a scared 20-something, lost, lonely and disillusioned with life and my identity. So I tried to plug myself into Christianity thinking I could make sense of everything by trusting God. It never worked and having to admit that hurt. But I'm better off now.

[NimbusDX]

You are a beautiful person, Prplfox. You are so kind and gentle. Your videos are so moving. I would feel so lucky to have a friend like you.

[mebstars]

I started losing my faith as a christian camp counselor, too. They told us not to talk about evolution during the creation story tellings, which were 4 times a week every week for 8 weeks. It the whole contradiction thing started to get to me and i looked into the science of it afterwords and felt huge remorse for leading kids away from the truth.

[Evid3nc3]

Wow. I'm trying to relate your story to my own so I understand. Based on what you said in your previous video, there was no climactic moment for you. I.e. a "Professor" figure made contact with you but you ignored him and struck out on your own.

So instead it seems like you went from "fatal personal discoveries", like my discovery of the Judas contradiction in The Bible (2.4 Part 1), to just slowly having your faith bleed to death like a prolonged Losing God (2.7).

[Evid3nc3]

It seems like, since you didn't have anyone like my Professor standing on the other side of the Losing God bridge waiting for you, that you stayed on that bridge suffering, walking forward and backward, unable to make up your mind, for a seemingly interminable amount of time.

Is that basically what happened to you? Is that what you are trying to convey?

[Prplfox]

@Evid3nc3 "slowly having your faith bleed to death" wow, yes, those are the words. Worship was my 'Judas contradiction' but I held on to being a Christian for 3 more years after this video.  Part 1(the bike in 2004) starts at the end of the story and I'm working my way back to that. I have marveled at your deconversion that it happened in a month. It is an amazing story but different from this story in that respect.

[Evid3nc3]

@Prplfox

Wow. 3 years. Technically the Judas Contradiction experience happened 1 year before my deconversion and was part of the beginning of the end. But, yes, I only experienced the "painful suffering"/"total shock" section of the deconversion for about 2 weeks as I exchanged dialogue with the Professor. Based on what I have seen from other people's deconversions, my experience appears to have been very fortunate and rare.

[SilentViolins]

@Evid3nc3 While watching your series, I always thought that the emotional suffering you went through as the extreme negative case, because I couldn't imagine actually feeling pain from "merely" changing beliefs. However, after watching this video, I guess I have to reevaluate, and consider that it was actually relatively quick and painless. I can't imagine what that 3 years of suffering and mental turmoil would've felt like.

I'm a big fan, by the way. Can't wait for your next video.

[BurntEngineOil]

Intense.

[mxmsfuyt]

I don't know what to say really, you touch on aspects of Christianity that are hard to express in words. I didn't know they COULD be put into words. And while my own deconversion was significantly less devastating, I can't help but understand exactly where you are coming from.

I hope the next video comes a lot sooner, but seeing all the work you put in these I understand they take awhile. Looking forward to it though. :)

[Prplfox]

@mxmsfuyt no comparing of devastation! Your story is important because it is your story :)

[whistonlass]

Once again you have me recalling my own battles...and they're still going on in my heart, mind. Your experiences mirror all I have felt and experienced and here was I thinking I was totally on my own. I have 1 close friend that I can talk to (she is still a Christian) who listens and a son who has also travelled this road. Otherwise I am left with the thought..."what was all this faith/friendship about" as it has evaporated, and not without pain. Keep sharing...I feel less alone now.

[bonnie43uk]

You tell your story very well, your honesty shines through. Being indoctrinated at a very early age can have devestating consequences.

[Prplfox]

@bonnie43uk Thank you, that connects to part of why I called this "Jesus & Young People"

[One4Thought]

The best videos by atheists are deconversion stories and this is one of the best deconversion stories ever. The emotions portrayed are powerful and sincere, I can't wait to see the next one.

[Prplfox]

@One4Thought Thank you for this

[HistorySkeptic]

damn dude, that was Powerful. i'm going to have to let it sink in, and watch again tomorrow morning. thank you so much for putting this out there!

unlearning your identity and the beliefs that support it is like a perpetual trauma. sometimes i feel like i have a form of religious PTSD.

[PinUpPrecious]

I love how when you say you led worship songs and prayer groups, it almost sounds like you handed children some kind of drugs or guns.

[InternalCompass]

Thank You for another brilliantly honest and selfless window into the painful path so familiar to so many of us. You commented on my profile about a comment I made that helped you, but I've made more than one comment (each with very different meanings), so I hope you're willing to tell me which one.

After all, truth is truth and in the words of Mahatma Gandhi "there is no God above Truth"

[Prplfox]

@InternalCompass All of your comments are meaningful and encouraging. I was referencing the one while struggling with making this episode about "Trusting yourself as much as others"

[InternalCompass]

@Prplfox Too often we rush so much that we stumble over our own best intentions and we miss things - thank you for slowing down enough to listen to the meaning behind my flawed comments... and congratulations for slowing down enough to listen to and trust your own inner voice, patiently waiting for the dust to settle until the moment you could find again your own 'north star' and deliver this selfless work and testament to the difficult path so many of us have come from.

[jazzx251]

Fascinating story.

Perhaps naiively, I see a deconversion as a "liberating" experience.

But this film shows just how painful the process can be - emotional torture; and with no-one sympathetic to talk to, it must've been a terrible, depressing, lonely place you were at.

(9/11 must've poured salt into the wounds as well - giving the impression of a world with nothing good in it anymore, just death and destruction)

[Prplfox]

@jazzx251 For some people it is liberating, but for others it feels like who you are is dying

[14kinetik]

@Prplfox

I'm going through exactly what you went through and I think its a bit of both. I'm in the middle. Everything you say makes logical sense. But I'm still getting hints that there is a God. I can't tell whether its my conscious or the holy spirit but christians in general turn me off.  the modern church is not a church, its a social club

[Prplfox]

@14kinetik Love you feel for God is real even if God is not. You will feel that for a long time. I'll PM you

[rachelallencamus]

@Prplfox "Love you feel for God is real even if God is not. You will feel that for a long time." that really means a lot to me, in addition to your videos. I don't know where you got your wisdom and courage but you are a balm to my flayed heart.

[Prplfox]

@rachelallencamus <3

[InternalCompass]

@rachelallencamus You are not alone in having a mind capable of critically thinking enough to dismiss delusion. Yet, at the same time we still fall victim to being flayed each time we are drawn back into the life, community, and the family that we love so much, only to find and face the familiar sharp knife dividing these two worlds (fantasy and truth).

This knife of reality will forever flay our hearts as long as we still love those that value faith more than truth, more than those they love.

[dilemmatown]

I'm really sorry you went through all that... it is rough I know

It's weird how much this is making me feel not-alone..

lease post part 5 soon.(: you are very important