Carla - Telling an Infertile Friend that You're Pregnant

[Venomousnvicious]

My little sister who is not married & in a crappy relationship with a total loser- is pregnant & due around the same time that my bestfriend of 15 years is. Husband & I have been trying for 8 years, suffered through a bad miscarriage... it just kills me. I want to be happy but I just can't... especially when they haven't even tried...it just happened. It sickens me.

[noursette29]

this video made me tear up, we've been trying for 4 years and not long ago my best friend found out she was pregnant (without even trying or wanting to be)

the way she found out? she did the test in my bathroom..... i could see the second line straight away but i had to spend at least 10 minutes convince her she was pregnant, showing her the line. i can still hear my self repeating it to her: you're pregnant! i promise you, you are pregnant....my heart breaks just writing it =(

[TheSuperApril]

Carla, I have one question for you. Now that you have Hannah and have experienced your dream...do you feel bad that you didn't really participate in your SIL's pregnancy...did you expect her to participate in yours? Just wondering.

[laurettabear]

cont from above. I think one of the best things to do is to share earnestly and straight forwardly. Make sure your friend understands that you "get it" if she's not super excited. Tell her that you want to include her as much or as little as she is comfortable and that you never want her to feel bad to say she can't go to that baby shower, or that she doesn't really want to hear about your baby plans. Be careful not to assume that she won't want to be a part of any of that either.

[laurettabear]

One thing that was super annoying to me when I was TTC was people telling me things like "Don't worry, your time will come" or "you're young, you still have plenty of time." ESPECIALLY when they just found out they were pregnant. I know people who said these things meant well, but I didn't know that my day would come. I want many children, so the fact that I'm "young" wasn't an encouragement to me. ..... (cont)

[babygirlmd15]

honestly if a friend is a friend she will be happy for you not wanting you not to be pregnant just becasue shes not

[imopman]

We have this in our family and I want to thank you for your courage in sharing this difficult topic.

[5WaitingWombs]

Munamichael and thematrixthree:

While I appreciate spirited debate, there is also a time to agree to disagree.

I've read all 20 comments and still stand by the opinions I've expressed in this video. Feel free to disagree with me, but please stop posting the epic comments on this video and finish your debate elsewhere. ~Carla

[munamichael]

Agreeing to disagree is a wonderful idea!

In my opinion the beautiful thing about humanity is that we all have unique opinions and experiences. As demonstrated by the video and subsequent responses.

Thank you for sharing your opinions through text and video ladies as it always provides a great learning and self reflection experience for me.

Baby Dust to all those TTC and Positive thoughts to all!

Muna

[Khakla]

Friends/fam know your challenges and have processed how they should tell. I dont agree sister-in-law (SNL) should draft a letter. Good news travels fast. Put ones feelings aside, share in another's joy. SNL should call bro's cell and he find the right time to tell u. U r given time to process it so u can call SNL with a congrats. Someone's pregnancy is still a feelings of discouragement and that's ok. Don't allow it to turn into jealousy. Trust me I have been on both sides of the fence.

[thebubblelush]

As a contributer to the 5ww collaboration channel, I was asked for my opinion and I gave advice based on my experience. The viewer wanted to do all she could to break the news in a loving way to an infertile friend. Since she was willing to put forth a lot of effort to make this easy for her friend, I answered the question with this in mind.

If you have an idea on how to better share the news with respect to other's ttc journey, please feel free to make a video response.

[Elizabeth01010101]

True, good news travels fast - But this all comes down to how much you want to value the feelings of your infertile loved one. Drafting a letter and giving it time to arrive BEFORE announcing the good news is also a good idea. There are many ways to do this, Carla presented a bunch of awesome ways. :-)

[5WaitingWombs]

In my opinion, I think you should tell family that you're expecting whenever you feel comfortable.

If you want to wait until after the first ultrasound or until you're in the 2nd semester or even when you're halfway through and find out the gender, then feel free to wait.

If they get mad, realize that focusing on how long you waited to tell them instead of the baby shows that they're redirecting their own personal issues onto you.

Don't take it personally!

':,*~BABYDUST~*,:'

[herane05]

I have PCOS and Every time I get excited and tell anyone at all I miscarry so my question is: Is it okay to not tell anyone I am pregnant until after the first trimester, would it be ok to wait until I am between 15-20 weeks to tell or would that upset everyone?

[munamichael]

Part 4of4

So until that day comes I wont let jealousy live in my heart, I instead invest my energy on positive emotions and take part in other peoples joy the way that I would want them to take part in mine! Thanks for allowing me to share. Blessings of baby dust to everyone!

[munamichael]

3of4

I know it hurts like hell and each time the tests come back negative as I myself want to break down and cry but I also know that if I give in to my own sadness I then miss out in the beauty of life and conception. For me seeing others and experiencing the joy of pregnancy with them, regardless of their fertility status, brings me joy, happiness and hope. And in truth when I do get my PFP I want everyone and there mother to do a big fat happy dance for me.

[munamichael]

2of4

For myself what I have realized is that every pregnancy, regardless of the circumstances around it is a blessing and deserves to be celebrated in the most heartfelt and joyous way. I feel that by giving in to my own jealousy and refraining from being happy for others represents a huge assumption that I am making. Its almost like I am saying that just because someone was able to get pregnant in a way that I deem easy that there pregnancy is some how less special and less deserving of joy.

[munamichael]

Part 1of4

Great video with lots of interesting tips and points of view! As someone who has PCOS and is also trying to conceive I find the topic of this video very interesting because I have a different view point. Although I acknowledge that it can hurt like hell to go through the process of getting pregnant when dealing with fertility issues I think this topic gives us a chance for some deep self reflection.

[thematrixthree]

I am sorry but i really think you dont know what u r talking about untill you are in the situation please dont make comment like this, i have PCOS and do not wish to anyone to go thru what i have gone and going through the first couple of yrs doesnt upset u but just imagine I have pcos 13yrs now and ttc 7 yrs, infertility can brake families infertility makes u feel less of a woman infertility makes you feel like u will never be a mum so u tell me if u were this woman how would u feel about it...

[munamichael]

PART 1

Hello thematrixthree:

I would appreciate it if you could re-read all 4 of my comments. In doing so you may find that I too have pcos and I too have been ttc.

The beautiful thing about all of us regardless of our fertility is that we are unique individuals who each see the world and our experiences in different ways.

[munamichael]

PART 2

The way I cope with my struggles is to stay as positive as possible. I refuse to let negative thinking into my heart about my pcos because it breads nothing but pain. If you re-read my 4 posts to this video again perhaps that may become clear to you.

I respect what the ladies of 5WW are doing and feel that just as all of their videos reflect their experience and empathy for others our comments are capable of doing the same.

I wish you and all women who wish for a family baby dust.

[munamichael]

PART 3

Your right about one thing, when it comes to your unique situation I do not know the years of struggle that you as an individual have been through, that pain is yours alone. Just as you do not know mine. It appears we have simply chosen to view and cope with our situations differently, and thats ok.

Good luck to you!!

Muna

[thematrixthree]

part 1

Dear Munamichael

I did read all your comments all 4 and what I found is u keep talking about jealousy , for me it is not a jealousy it is hurt , in the beginning I never felt hurt and kept telling myself it will happen I still do if didn't believe I would not even watch this video ,it gives hope,, My view is not negative as I get the feeling that is what you are saying ,don't know your story and yes I saw you also have Pcos,

[thematrixthree]

part 2

as you know it affects different different people, for example I am at a last options now and woman that know this is there last option feel the same way as me, I have never been jealous about all my friends and family having kids I love their kids whenever one is born I am there in a heartbeat, what's hurtful for some people that say ; it will happen just relax it is all in your mind, or , if it doesn't happen you can always adopt,

[thematrixthree]

part 3

or dont know how u r not pregnant I fell pregnant so easy and so on, I can carry on. So this what I am talking about so yes when you are a real friend you care about your Pcos friend and how would they feel about it. And when u tell your pcos friend u r pregnant they will be happy for u because u shared with them this special moment but if u r showing off with that u r better at it will hurt, just a quick example I had a friend that fell pregnant and very well knew my situation

[thematrixthree]

part 4

I was soo happy for her until she said :I knew I will have my babies before u but don't worry it will happen when is your turn. I was devastated what when is my time my turn whatever it was the most inconsiderate thing she ever said. And I have friend that just told me they are pregnant and cant wait for me to have a baby to play whit their children well of course I was happy about them

[thematrixthree]

part 5

because I could see they cared what my feelings are. It just sounds like U call all infertile woman jealous and that is what made me upset and also that it doesn't matter whether u r fertile or not no doesn't matter for the pregnancy u r right but it does matter for the way one should tell a person that is infertile and sensitive... Good luck

[munamichael]

I appreciate where you are coming from and have empathy for your experiences.

Once again I ask you to re-read my posts. I was very careful to use words like MY and I ... I was speaking about MY feelings of jealousy.

It would be a large assumption on my part to assume that people, regardless of their fertility share my views just as it is a large assumption for you to assume that I mean ALL women with fertility issues are jealous.

Part 1 of 2

[thematrixthree]

part 2

years ago when i was teenager my aunt had issues like this and i never understood her i thought she really make a big deal of her infertility well i regret it see where i am today , you can only understand when you are this woman .

[thematrixthree]

my comments are for munamichael

[Elizabeth01010101]

Very nice tips! I esp. like how you mention to stay away from the "I'm praying for you" comment. As a Christian, I do not appreciate when people throw this comment out at me re. my infertility. Sometimes that comment feels very glib.