Dana Carvey: Squatting Monkeys Tell No Lies Part 5

[Evilkittymeowmeow123]

THIS CRAP HERE IS HILARIOUS mii 2 thats just f****** gold right there

[sweeney665]

OH DEAR GOOOOOD....man seriously this guy is pure gold. I havent laughed that hard for ages!

[YoruichiShana]

@sweeney665 same here. LOL

[IluvKirito]

but no really srsly guise

[schnennifer]

I died when the music part came on... "I'm gonna skin you and wear you as a hat!"

So freaking funny! I love Dana Carvey!

[clamshire]

begone crypt keeper!

[SuicidalMickeyMouse2]

I nevar realized that I do that stutter thing at 5;14 lol

[gr33nday4u]

obama was like 17 when Reagan was president...well we actually don't know how old he is cause we don't have his real birth certificate.

[Nigelxman]

@gr33nday4u You are a moron.

[alterbridgefan99]

"Be gone Crypt Keeper" LOL and "I'm gonna skin you alive and wear you like a hat vs. Old Man look at my life, I'm a lot like you were" lmfao

[aaron13334]

IM ALIVE!!!!!!!!

[elbbircs]

Oh man this is so true !!

[RichMaxwell]

"Be gone Crypt Keeper" lmao

[SierRawrMarie]

DUDE SERIOUSLY aha thats what I always say :)

[fenderstratman120]

dude do not google blue waffle its a fucking vagina infection

[afterthefact17]

HAHA I freaking love the Neil Young impression.

[HappyThePunk]

Use our inside voices,

What happened to shut the fuck up?!

[XxshadowWolf13xX]

lol! my dad i disturbed by my music all the time!

[maq117]

does al pacino ever actually say that in a movie?



[MxRClan]

ive Searched for crypt-keeper

Now im Afraid to go 2 sleep

[trojangirl246]

@MxRClan try googling blue waffle, its a yummy waffle dyed blue. it'll help you go to sleep, that way, you'll think of waffles :)

[MxRClan]

@trojangirl246 ty but no ty

i know BW

[guitaring4fun]

@trojangirl246 dduuuddeeee fuck you thats not even funny..... thats just mean...



[Mochashake27]

Yeah no shit, hw sucksss. fuck

[Masterlink981]

Let me tell you something. Come here, come here. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I KNOW!

[Masterlink981]

"JA! This is Arnold Schazzeneger! I vould like to be President of ze United States!"

"No, you can't be President."

"VHY NOT?!"

"Because you sound like those fellas in World War Two."

[Masterlink981]

Come here, come closer. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I KNOW!

[Masterlink981]

"My name is Arnold Schazzenager. I vould like to be President of ze United States!"

"Well you can't."

"Vhy not?"

"Cause you sound like those fellas we fought in WW2!" XD Saying he sounds like an Nazi XD

[Jcat4ever]

The two parent technique: Greggers, time for your bath! *gasps* A BAAAATHHHH!

THUMBS UP IF DANA CARVEY IS AWESOMEEE

[cheftobe12]

can i get a 12 pack of the tiny dicks

[cheftobe12]

can i get a 12 pack if the tiny dicks lol

[AChimpNamedSlickback]

"I'm gonna skin you alive and wear you like a hat!" OMGLOL!

[Mees78]

Dad, why can't we just Google it?

[FireFoxy67]

"If you spill one drop, I'll break every bone in your body."

"......I"M ALIIIIIIVVE!!!!!!"

[shdrew]

Bless you for posting this! This is my favorite section of this comedy special. Carvey is so freakin' funny.

[metalhead2552]

dude amen to the music joke

[cheftobe12]

i was like a little fetus with shoes

[Potatoe227]

5 people are not the lemon!

[Brightrose13]

And so it was, Obama became president.

O Reagan oracle, you do not fail.

[jimmyclarke16]

what al pacino movie is the speech that he brought up from?

[zanpakt0u]

@jimmyclarke16 scar-face or scent of a woman.. you'd have to look for it.

[dnoteL]

My dad just said he painted his house when they were in high school!! :D

[WentMillerGal15]

*deep breath in* A BATH!!! Lol.

[XxXNINJAXxX500]

HI EVERY BODY!!!

[AHippieFrom1969]

At 6:37 I agree with him. I'm only 14 but I love the music from the old days. My friends will put Linkin Park or something like that and I'll put on Tony Orlando or Peter Frampton.

[azaraelmalvavisco]

"i want to turn to Al Pacino and say: le me tel you something....YOU DONT KNOW WHAT I KNOW!!!!!...yOU SON OF A BITCH!!!"XD LOL love ti fucking awesome

[WiiMoat]

Haha, I'm 17 and I love Neil Young, specifically Old Man. :P

[FamilyGuyHeadquaters]

"Let me tell you something. Come here. Come here. Come here. You don't know. WHAT I KNOW.

YOU SON OF A B!TCH." funny thing

[Thedeoradude]

"im going to skin you alive and wear you like a hat"

i actually have a song like that and i hate metal D:

[SmOsHeRgirl]

3:20 i love that little prance thing he does :D :D :D

[katygirly1015]

Craigers, what did we agree too? Let's use our inside voices. Inside voices? what happened to shut the fuck up?! I feel your owie. I wish i had a boo-boo too

[Catcherintherye11111]

he was probably a class clown in high school

[ComedyGal2]

"Honey I'm not impotent, that's a deferred erection"

lol cats in the craddle

[remyshepherd]

Dana Carvey is the funniest comedian in my age range. He is clean enough but not childish. He is a very talented comic who never quite hit the success that he could have but he always did have work.. I can depend on him for a laugh and regardless of which show it is from the early 90's to today it is still funny and not dated.

[pika23]

yay for neil young

[izsoflye]

"I'm gonna skin you alive and wear you like a hat" ... It's good, it's really good. Great Beat. hahaha

[bretthauerseven]

Lol, I have a friend who likes to walk into crowded rooms and drop a magnum condom and then go, "Oh no! I dropped my MAGNUM condom! Has anyone seen my MAGNUM condom! It barely fit in my pocket and I DROPPED my MAGNUM CONDOM!"

[Bernice9701]

"Can I get some heavy lumber?"

" I'll take 2 Washington Monuments."

"And give me a baby's arm holding an apple, and im just good."

ROFLMAO!

[WeaselHalfbreed]

7:30, kids growing up fast, I was rolling. Thanks Dana. You always make me laugh.

[TiffanyWeisbergPhoto]

"I wanna turn into Al Pacino one time and go: Come here...YOU DON'T KNOW...WHAT I KNOW!"

Omg that made Capri-sun come out my nose >.<

[sydsydney12]

kind looks like a cross bettween the mad magazine guy and erkle  hahaha I luv dana carvey

[rcnicole]

Gregers what did we are too?

[ladyislingering]

"Let's use our inside voices?! Whatever happened to 'shut the fuck up'?!"

[Jscvolcom18]

you don't know..... WHAT I KNOW!

[AMELIAisTHEname]

seriously dude.; haha i say that:)

[iloveaudreyhepburn09]

dad dad we dont we dont need helmets cus we dont get hurt ok ok ok? lol

[RoflMahWaffleCopter]

"Hi, I'm Arnold Schwartzeneggar and I would like to be president!" "No" "Why not?" "Cause you sound like the guys we fought in World War II!"

[dillydew3]

6:43 = Win. lol

[xgreerx]

"Look at that ass! I'd like to set up shop on that ass!"

[cyberian2007]

Funny as hell, but he is insane voting for and promoting B.O. , dammit Dana stay away from the promotion of a crook from Chicago just because you want a "CHANGE " , THE BIGGEST JOKE IN HISTORY !

[TheoIsTheGreatest]

Now might be a good time for that suicide you were planning. You've stopped evolving.

[cyberian2007]

Like your sexually challenged mother ,EH ? My condolences on what she wipe off her leg during your inception , which must have been the DNA that contained your brain !

[TheoIsTheGreatest]

Compassionate conservative.

[zombiehunter2010]

jeff dunham is a lemon

[zombiehunter2010]

obama is a lemon.

[musthemc]

yes

[killdeath44]

"MY GOD YOUR OLD!!"

[TTarfreak]

the "ok" part lulz

I see it sometimes. My friends do it lol

[AHippieFrom1969]

The Al Pachino part was funny! Especially when he talks about his sons.

"Dad ok ok ok ok ok you're not Al Pachino. Ok ok ok. That was cute ok ok ok ok."

And then about his son music Lol!

"I'm gonna skin you alive and wear you like a hat!" I laughed so hard at that because I have friends who like the same music and they drive me nuts with it.

[TheDarkgonian]

im still the lemon.....

[wegotorangeomg]

the part about condoms made me cry with laughter. hahahah.

"maybe a tarp and a bungee cord, circus tent and some bridge cables

[kliff215]

Wholly fucking funny!!!!!!

[majik2hanz]

He is spot on on the stupidity of "modern pc parenting" i.e. be their 'friend' et al....Hilarious but unfortunately all to common

[PINKPEANUT91]

-sucks in air ...... THE LOW DYE LEARNING CENTER!!!!

[Birdietweet]

mad magazine and urkel !! lmao

[Raford146]

I gotta get laid, I'm nine!

[DeathRavenOmen]

oops! *pachino* lol

[DeathRavenOmen]

what ever happened to shut the fuck up? my mom said it 2 mii all the time i turned out ok!!!! lol his al achino is acurate

[TillHawks]

train a leaves the station at 9 pm at 40 miles per hour.

train b leaves the station at 10 pm at 60 miles per hour.

what size shoe does the conductor wear?

OMFG!

xD~!

[laughasitis]

@TillHawks hahaha so true! I hate math!

[iLuVsYnGaTeS4LiFe]

lol "im gunna skin you alive and wear you as a hat" LOL "die you bitch!" reminds me of slipknot.. hha but i<3slipknot

[houfenflefer]

!! Urkel was my first thought on Obama! XP

[InAGaddaDaVida29]

I love that joke about death metal. "I WILL SKIN YOU ALIVE AND WEAR YOU AS A HAT!"

[Angelorke]

That was awesome XD

[Spunkieboy]

What movie is Al Pacino saying that line in, that Dana talks about? "Let me tell you something, come here, You dont know what I know, you son of a bitch"

Its awesome :D

[chifour66]

Let's use our inside voices! What happened to shut the fuck up? I dont know, I said it to my kids and they turned out fine.

[TheChugulator]

haha love his neil young voice

[smartiipantze]

That is so true about the Algebra thing lol

It's bullshit nowadays

[dsmithcc19]

haha. too bad obama sucks donkey dick. he hasnt done shit yet and he is not going anywhere on the stupid healthcare shit.

[savannamarigold]

didnt he say wen he was running fer prez tht he was gonna get the soldiers OUTTA iraq and afganistan? instead he is depolying more ppl into iraq and afganistan wtf?

[draccanon]

its a troop surge why not look into the reasoning behind it before commenting lol he is doing it to get rid of alqaida and whatnot and then he is going to work on getting the troops home by 2011 there will always be a small percentage of troops there on bases the same as troops in japan and other places

[jellisrellish]

dude, we're practically outta iraq, we are in afghanistan now.

[aly818aly]

"gregers...what di we agree to?" lets use our inside voices." Inside voices?"What happen to shut the fuck up!!!"

[cakorosenitsirhc]

"My name's John McCain."

"My god you're old! It's father time come alive! Be gone crypt-keeper!

[savannamarigold]

IM ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[savannamarigold]

i 4got, wen did i post this?

[Meemo12]

ew he is singing Neil young and his son is ten?

[KUFL123]

i can relate to Dana Carvey i have a ten year old cousen who is ten years old and his size 15 foot, 165 pounds, and he is 6 foot 3. when i was ten i was 4 foot 9 inches and 85 pounds!!

[savannamarigold]

holy crap r u sure he is 10 years old???

[KUFL123]

yes he is 10

[savannamarigold]

dang tht is awesome!!!

[InAGaddaDaVida29]

The way he described hiself entering high school is pretty much I was.

[padre1917]

that dual parent thing he talks about drives me up a wall when i see it...these parents gave up all right to their kids soon as they could throw a tantrum.

[Focoist911]

I love it when some genious is let loose without medication.

[Lassann]

Mickey: "Look at that ass! I'd like to set up shop on that ass!" I wasn't quite as bad, but yeah, 5'1", 100 lbs soaking wet. I learned very quickly not to stand up to bullies. Fuck it. Run for your life, like I did. I'm still alive. Then hunt the fuckers down a few years later.

[smartiipantze]

dude seriously

[iamskilled5]

yea seriously lol

[smartiipantze]

he;s soooo right about parents

-and math

-and politics

-and teens and condoms

he's a genius!!

[LadyBeth24]

lol I actually dont baby the kids...im more like "Get into the tub or else!!!" lol bwahahahahaha

[BrandonsJams]

The math thing is spot on, math today is bullshit!

[thaicedtea666]

i'm john mccain-

-my god you're old! it's father time come alive!!!

[GOfilms01]

he was right.

[KingdomHeart556]

what size shoe was the conductor wearing? wtf??? LOL!

[FacetiousJosh]

My dad always said to me "I'll break your neck" imagine if I were to say that in public today.

[flamingphil123]

My dad still uses the shut the fuck up trick.

[imhungry4444]

no one asked jackass

[buffyangelfan11]

LMFAO

this guy is fuckin hilarious !!!!

LOL the mikey mouse thing is fuckin hiarious

" Look at that ass id like to set up shop on that! "

haha and the condom thing

"give me a dozen of the teenie peenies and a few mini members" LOL

[USApatriot1791]

I know, what a killer!

"Excuse me, is this the largest that you *have*? Magnum Triple X that's it? Do you have some Seran wrap and loose wire in the back? A tarp and a bungee cord? Circus tent and some bridge cables? I've gotta CONTAIN something here!"

[stoot69]

this is dry. waynes world was moronic shit and so is this.

[masmasbbk]

seriously dude

[trigger460]

Do you wish you had a boo-boo to Joella haha

[JoellaEllaAyAy]

"lets use our inside voices?! what happened to shut the ---- up?!" lol!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Craigers, i feel ur owie!

[deadman2u2]

lmao be gone cryptkeeper

[DMBAProductions]

i will skin you alive and wear you as a hat!!

[seskie]

"What size shoe does the conductor wear?" LMAO!!

[blackironkatana]

"I'm John McCain."

"My God you"re old! It's father time come to life." =) Some of the funniest shit I have ever heard in my life

"Be gone creep keeper!"

[seahawksfan809]

its crypt keeper, not creep keeper

[death37654]

what hppend to shut the fuck up

[madaka11]

circus tent and some bridge cable!!

[helenHeller01]

how old is he???

[TsukimaruNekov2]

hard to believe, but 54

[texicali39]

Mad Magazine guy and Urkel. HAHA

[explos1ve13]

i hate that teenager part because i use to do taht to my dad...oh man he wailed on me when we saw this together xDDDDDDD

[KogaKurosaki]

You dont Know WHAT I KNOW!!!!!

[27LeBlanc619]

i actually took this test for Enriched Geometry once and there were tons of questions like the train. almost every other question i was reading it and at the end i would just say WTF

[AxisBoldAsLove1967]

then drop out

[Oceanshooter]

They do 5 hours of homework a night. I did an hour a month! HAHAH!

[DX4LIFFE]

Gregors time for your bath!!! *GASPS* A baaaaatttthhh!!! lol

[liquidpimpette]

i'm gonna skin you alive and wear you like a hat xD

[rzcmch]

gregors lmao

[OriginalKinkster]

I'M ALIVE!!!!!!!

[sophinabox]

I need everyone's opinion. When Dana's talking about going into highschool as a freshman and he's "like cookie dough going into the oven, half-baked", ect. he is referring to how tiny he is, right? Because he talked about how big kids are nowadays going into highschool right before that. My boyfriend is insisting that Dana means that he was stoned when he was walking into highschool as a freshman, but I think he's wrong (although Dana probably was! Haha). Please help!

[TheKnightWhoSaidNi]

Hahaha, he's just talking about how little he was. All the talk about being "4 foot ten inches and 90 pounds" should reinforce that also.

[xTwoOfHeartsx]

He's talking about how he wasn't fully grown yet.

Cookie dough that hasn't been put into the oven, half baked, fetus with shoes -- all references to how he was so tiny, not fully grown, fresh, new, not quite ripe, etc.

[gmiyashiro]

Don't forget about "I was like little mickey mouse man"

"HIGH EVERYBODY!"

[supermegaultraninja]

dana means he is really small. lol he may have been stoned but he's not. kk byez

[safetosaydontquoteme]

i think your boyfriend's stoned if he thinks he meant he was baked.

[lethikim1990]

He should be a voice actor.

[DTM364]

he was right about obama becoming president

[snapasaurus1]

Dana is better than Rich Little

[xxCorianderxx]

Begone cryptkeeper! xD

[twan701]

you cant get laid when you sound like mickey mouse.look at that ass. i'd like to set up shop on that ass.

HAHAHA 2 Funny

[Click0next]

omfg the dick channey part was hilarouis, i watched it with my mom my dad and my aunt and the part about the quals, we all paused it and laughed for a straight 10 mins, (im 13).

[91canada91]

a circus tent and some bridge cables...

[DisturbedInOhio]

I love this guy!

[wunderbeast]

"dad, dad...chill, chill, okay?" ROFLMAO oh man he's so right. teenage kids are so totally like that to their parents, i know from waiting tables at family restaurants. if the mom or dad is a bit slow, the kids roll their eyes at them and give me a look like, "ugh...parents, you can't take them anywhere."

[XOpenguinsXOXO]

be gone crypt keeper LOL!!!!!! hes awsome!!!