it's very discriptive,m as i like in books, and i won't say it's not good writing, because i wouldn't believe myself. I love it, but it's not really my thing, Keep up the good work though! It's great, and what one person doesn't like, another will! I guess I'm just more into the fantasy/fiction sort of thing. :)
"This woman clearly did not give a shit. I liked her immediately." I love these lines of yours. lol. In describing the woman and adding these two lines at the end, it not only told me about her, it told me about the person observing her.
I wanted to add, I am not dismissing Britishkids comments. They seemed honest, relevant, etc. Many people, especially in today's society where everyone is rushing, multi-tasking, etc., might not have the patience to wait for more intense drama. However, if a person has the patience for a novel, they are more likely to be in the set of people who will keep reading. Sure, intense action at the start might hook more people, but I see nothing wrong with this sort of start. Good work
I know some people say that you should jump into action right away, as Britishkid suggested, but I for one am a description addict. Not to say I don't like simple writing, but I admire & relish description in literature. Detail adds to realism, for one. Also, you are helping me to know your characters. Some people desire more action at the start, BUT that is a matter of personal taste. My dad normally quit a movie near the start if it wasn't adrenaline packed from moment one. No patience.
I like your writing style. You drew me in. Only thing I would say is get rid of the 2 cliches when you describing the crack whore looking girl. "Skinny as a rail" & "white as a ghost". Otherwise, very good. I'm going to lookfor the next chapter if you have it posted.
i disagree with britishkid87, i thnk the fact that the character has already fallen in love with this barmaid interesting and it makes me want to see how that goes. i'd continue to read
You paint the picture well. :) I was right there with you. I even lived in OC years ago...Maybe Im in the story hehe (Im the girl scout leader trying to save them all from a life of ill repute.) :P
I liked the detail, description was great. However, I strongly believe that the first chapter is used to grab the readers attention, making them want to read on, wondering what happens next... Nothing in this chapter made me feel that, if I'd brought this book I would have put it down already. Sorry to say it, but thats my honest opinion. but do carry on, maybe something in the next chapter will come up. I look forward to hearing it.
why does everyone feel the need to overly detail everything? if takes you an hour to get into the story because all the crap your giving details about has nothing to do with your story.
I liked this. Wonderful character desscriptions. The story held my attention. As a first novel I see you have decided to go for first person narrative. This suits the story so far. Problems can arise later with first person narrative because the narrator cannot relate what is happening elsewhere. If there are more than one viewpoint first person narration makes it difficult to vary the 'voices'. I look forward to the next chapter.
Comment removed
kalpfei1287 1 year ago
@kalpfei1287 You mustn't be a very good writer.
MiKKA335 1 year ago
@MiKKA335 why do u say that?
I know how to write and the story that I have is a lot better then this !!
kalpfei1287 1 year ago
@kalpfei1287 No good writer uses more than one exclamation mark. And they generally speel 'you' in complete form.
MiKKA335 1 year ago
it's very discriptive,m as i like in books, and i won't say it's not good writing, because i wouldn't believe myself. I love it, but it's not really my thing, Keep up the good work though! It's great, and what one person doesn't like, another will! I guess I'm just more into the fantasy/fiction sort of thing. :)
stuntsquiral1 1 year ago
This is very well written. Enjoyed it. :)
eirinbe 2 years ago
You should really log in again!
Ghaiyst 2 years ago
"This woman clearly did not give a shit. I liked her immediately." I love these lines of yours. lol. In describing the woman and adding these two lines at the end, it not only told me about her, it told me about the person observing her.
LocustCloacina 2 years ago
I wanted to add, I am not dismissing Britishkids comments. They seemed honest, relevant, etc. Many people, especially in today's society where everyone is rushing, multi-tasking, etc., might not have the patience to wait for more intense drama. However, if a person has the patience for a novel, they are more likely to be in the set of people who will keep reading. Sure, intense action at the start might hook more people, but I see nothing wrong with this sort of start. Good work
LocustCloacina 2 years ago
I know some people say that you should jump into action right away, as Britishkid suggested, but I for one am a description addict. Not to say I don't like simple writing, but I admire & relish description in literature. Detail adds to realism, for one. Also, you are helping me to know your characters. Some people desire more action at the start, BUT that is a matter of personal taste. My dad normally quit a movie near the start if it wasn't adrenaline packed from moment one. No patience.
LocustCloacina 2 years ago
I like your writing style. You drew me in. Only thing I would say is get rid of the 2 cliches when you describing the crack whore looking girl. "Skinny as a rail" & "white as a ghost". Otherwise, very good. I'm going to lookfor the next chapter if you have it posted.
GottoBeKiddinMe 3 years ago
i disagree with britishkid87, i thnk the fact that the character has already fallen in love with this barmaid interesting and it makes me want to see how that goes. i'd continue to read
aaenema 4 years ago
You paint the picture well. :) I was right there with you. I even lived in OC years ago...Maybe Im in the story hehe (Im the girl scout leader trying to save them all from a life of ill repute.) :P
pi314too 4 years ago
I love it!:)
terracottaheavens 4 years ago
I liked the detail, description was great. However, I strongly believe that the first chapter is used to grab the readers attention, making them want to read on, wondering what happens next... Nothing in this chapter made me feel that, if I'd brought this book I would have put it down already. Sorry to say it, but thats my honest opinion. but do carry on, maybe something in the next chapter will come up. I look forward to hearing it.
BritishKid87 5 years ago
why does everyone feel the need to overly detail everything? if takes you an hour to get into the story because all the crap your giving details about has nothing to do with your story.
slutfinder 5 years ago 2
Give some leaway. This is a first novel. He is learning his craft.
Jaci75 5 years ago
Wow, I do that. :S
eirinbe 2 years ago
Cool stuff. I liked the style.
I want to write a novel as well, I'm kind of at the beginning stages too. it's good to see someone else at that stage.
ChuckHippy 5 years ago
I liked this. Wonderful character desscriptions. The story held my attention. As a first novel I see you have decided to go for first person narrative. This suits the story so far. Problems can arise later with first person narrative because the narrator cannot relate what is happening elsewhere. If there are more than one viewpoint first person narration makes it difficult to vary the 'voices'. I look forward to the next chapter.
Jaci75 5 years ago