the art of apology (a nellie persepective)

[mikwid]

Ooh, Tattooskin was right!  You make great sense and are to the point. subbed!

[LawsOfRobotics]

I think there were two interesting points made in this video.

1. The main one, if you want to apologize, don't also say that the other person was wrong.

but, also (implicitly)

2. If you want to tell someone they're wrong, don't try to sweeten it with "I'm sorry", just say "You're wrong"

Um, I don't know the context of this video... I have some catching up to do :-/

[cutelli87]

you seamed very sad in that video nelliedidle. :O(

[cheeekamoomoo]

I loverfy your faaaace.

And very well put, lovely.

[ashaman72]

Very wise words, ma'am.

[Donnatella624]

Nellie, some of this common sense stuff, i.e., an apology should never be followed with "but"!, comes with, dare I say, age, & experience in dealing with people. Maybe some lessons will be learned by this back & forth of the past few days.

[phenixwryter]

Some years ago I read Dale Carnegie's book How to Win Friends and Influence People as a required reading for a class and that book taught me a lot, and I still read it from time to time. One of the topics he covered was how to apologize properly. You said basically the same thing he wrote in his book.

Wise words from wise people.

[feakysnucker]

YES. For me it's about sincerity and regret. If someone breaks something dear to me, and is truly sorry then I won't be mad at them - that won't bring the item back, and will only make them feel worse. If however, they aren't really sorry about it then I get more upset because they didn't and don't care about my feelings, or grasp what they've done. To me it's all about sincerity. I agree Nellie - saying 'sorry but' is just justifying their actions, & defending themselves, negating the apology.

[TheGaytheist]

A little saying that I use is "there is healing in apology, and magic in forgiveness." Until your words have the intent of mending a broken relationship, it's not really an apology.

[allianceofdemons]

apologize? Me? For what? Do I feel regret? maybe...

But when it comes to compassion... some individuals can't be fixed with compassion. Kassiedill2 is one of those examples and I'll be making a video about this person now that she got two suspensions.

[nelliediddle]

wtf are you on about?

please if you feel guilty enough about something to sit here and explaine all the reasons this isn't about you then you seriuosly need to look at why you feel that way.

[allianceofdemons]

@nelliediddle

oh some times I'm being silly me. My comment was to confirm that I understood the subject of apologizing and the difference between that one and using it to defend one's own position.

I just have this kassiedill2 stuff in my head which involves the very same aspects of the use and misuse of apologizing. Just sorting it out.

[nelliediddle]

Okies LOL sorry been a bit oversenstive been getting bashed by both sides of the debate on occassion ...please carry on!

[allianceofdemons]

@nelliediddle

is this discussion about religion and apologetics by chance?

[nelliediddle]

snerk... no it was spurned on my a video on rape... the shit storm that followed and the way people reacted to both. follow the bredcrumbs on my cahnnel if you really feel the need... but you might want to just move on to something nice and funny like Montey Python skits

[allianceofdemons]

@nelliediddle

I have been mindful, not oblivious to this storm of videos which are all about the rape subject. I think coughlan666 deals with this very effectively by depowering the drama and turning into the joke that it deserves: giving the smack in the face of those who still think women are asking for it.

[ercvstr]

Very concise and very important.

[TigerOfSpirit]

Beautifully put. I could not agree more.

[Elenkhos]

well said.

[eicebleu]

I saw a billboard recently--Never ruin an apology with an excuse.

[Snackar]

Exactly! 5 stars.

Another non-apology is the "I'm sorry if I offended you" or "IF I offended anyone, I'm truly sorry." It's obvious that if an apology is needed, someone was offended. Don't stick that "if" in there. It's cheapening. You're not taking responsibility for what you said if you "apologize" this way.

[abbynormal0ne]

I really appreciate your words.  Thank you very much for this video.

[ICharmaine]

Definite words of wisdom! Nicely conveyed, as well!!! : )

[AuntieDiluvian]

You're a wise woman :)

[atthetopofmyvoice]

wisdom can be hard won.

thanks for sharing yours with us.

[Killdozer6006]

People who do that remind me of the ones who go "No offense, but you're an asshole". I hate that. Some people just can't keep it at "I'm sorry".

[BigJoeyfromBoston]

agreed

[tattooskin72]

well said :)

[ThoughtfulAtheist]

I am sorry for having been grossly insensitive to the feelings of others and for choosing purposefully inflammatory words where more well thought-out ones would have been significantly more appropriate and significantly less offensive and careless. Full Stop.

[nelliediddle]

TA, I know this ,and I have tried to say to you that I don't hold a grudge agaisnt you. When I am angry I say something & then move on about healing. I was not saying this only for you, although obviously you were dee in my thoughts . This is something I have been trying to get through to people for a long time. AND it took me a long time to learn it mysefl..and I have more than a few years on you my dear.Peace & Love and most of all Understanding.

[bewarethelizards42]

Wise words Ms Nellie :)

[Weaselheadx]

This is true. It took me a while to figure this one out. Sometimes, you just have to swallow your pride. It's a simple utilitarian device. If the price of being right is greater than the simplicity of apologizing, just swallow your pride. Especially in the case of loved ones. Even if you think they are wrong, it it does no harm, it sometimes easier to just let them think they are right.

[johncrwarner]

I am sorry if I offended you - now that gets my goat and my goat doesn't like being got.

The conditional apology is also not an apology.

[musicgeniusno1]

I know what you mean Nellie :)

Last 48 hrs or so...interwebz-frustrating for all :(

However, it's another day...*skips on* ;)

[arcanics1971]

Hmmm....interesting. I do this all the time, especially with my girlfriend. I think you've given me a good morning lesson today. Thanks.

[thereprieve]

Can I be sorry that you are offended by my position yet still hold to that position?

[nelliediddle]

of course you can ... but thats not the point I was making now is it?

[thereprieve]

I was more or less referencing our conversation from yesterday. I got the impression that you were offended by the position I took (which was similar but not the same as TA's). I am truely sorry if that position offends you, but I still have not changed my position (though it seems I am doing a poor job of explaining it).

Either way, cheers to you and have a great day.

[nelliediddle]

nope I don't hold grudges & if I did I'd have much bigger fish to fry LOL I am an incest survivour, and forgave, not forgot about, my abuser years ago. I have never said a woman sholdn't be careful, as is assumed by many.What I have said is that I will strive for a world where she doesn't have to be,& to change that mind set you have to change the blame game. It's whistling past the grave yard.. because if she is to blame then it won't happen to you.Nice fairy tale but not real

[thereprieve]

"I will strive for a world where she doesn't have to be"

And that is where our agreement begins.

I think we've both said our peace and on many levels we agree, while on some we still disagree... doesn't mean we can't be friends tho. =)

I hope the anger over the initial reaction to his 1st video has subsided and we can soon talk about other things.

Peace be with you.

[nelliediddle]

sorry love I know I can be confusing I wasn't apologizing to anyone for something I had said I was trying to clarify what I believe a real apology consists of.

[jambimon]

@nelliediddle ooops! carry on...

[Widgetas]

I'm sorry, but I don't agree with that.

[nelliediddle]

teh widge he is funny

[Widgetas]

Hush. I wanted to get down thumbed. I like red.

[nelliediddle]

snerk someone has up thumbed you twice :P

[AncientAtheist]

I'll thumb ya Widge.

[Widgetas]

Filthy old bastard.

Go on then.

[AncientAtheist]

There.

How did that third thumb feel? Didn't know I had 3 of 'em, didja?

My popularity - explained.

[Rithrandil]

Maybe we should all start a video chain where we all give Widgetas thumbs up repeatedly.

[Widgetas]

I'd really rather you didn't. I already walk funny as it is.

[SAsgarters]

One of the first lessons you learn in a relationship: How to apologize, without saying the word "But".

[nelliediddle]

this is all getting a little... titillating isn't it?