Added: 1 year ago
From: davidmitchellsoapbox
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  • It sounds like Britain is trying very hard to emulate the US in destroying its rail service in favor of highways. As an American, I can't really endorse that course of action.

  • You know, I got on a London overground train once that didn't leave the station until half an hour after it was supposed to. The reason? One of the staff didn't turn up to work. To make matters worse, further down the line, they apologised for the delay and said it was due to a "technical difficulty". I'm sorry, but if some poor sod doesn't bother to show up to work, or to at least ring in and explain WHY he didn't, it's not, in my opinion, a "technical difficulty".

    Thought you might like that.

  • Hah, sounds exactly like the Danish railway service.

  • What's a train?

    -an American

  • @Gabagabe1 I'd ask if you'd been on Amtrak, but then again, I have myself, so would understand that you'd want to avoid it like whenever possible. Admittedly that's not really their fault, as most of the problem is that just about all other rail traffic takes priority over them and the rails themselves get about as much maintenance as the North Koreans get truthful news. I took the train from Salt Lake City to Washington DC, over the first 8 hours there were some 40 go slow bits :P

  • Oh man. How unfortunately true! Love the man.

  • Complaining about the British railways?

    "That's adorable..." - A Romanian.

  • Geez....did The Netherlands join up with the UK in the running for world's most horrific railway systems? Yeah, let's privatize it, so they can let it go to hell quadruple as fast!

  • @gyqz Throw in the Danish one there as well.

  • @Solario392 Denmark too?? You know what...let's send them all to Japan! They could learn a thing or two...

  • And the irony is, Cirencester doesn't have a railway station any more... :D

  • Government should just go take their ball and play somewhere else.

  • @aaron9099 then the railways would collapse because of their profitability, the only sensible solution is to nationalise them

  • @Sleck06 In what sense would they collapse due to profitability?

  • @aaron9099 i do apologize i meant unprofitablity

  • @aaron9099 I'm guessing because then the gov wouldn't subsidize them

  • French trains are overpriced as well. Britain isn't alone in this respect.

  • boy oh boy. You think British trains are bad? Come on over to America!

  • Comment removed

  • I don't know this UK train system at all but now I those running it are twats.

  • Ham

  • The phone number at 2:44 on the post is the National railway service line...yes i rung it

  • @kojimapie

    You rung it? I Just did a google search to find out what it was. In hindsight, I could have saved time by scrolling down and reading your comment though.

  • @kojimapie who was it?

  • @Devoti read my comment again..

  • eclairs

  • Lmao love it

  • 0845-748-4950

    ...do it...

  • @LaLongeCarbine you're missing a "u" in your name

  • @Rincewind211 LoL if you're going to be THAT guy, *cough cough* DICK... I'll point out that it's also missing an "a".

  • I am from Cirencester and you can't get a train there. t has not had a station for over 50 years.

  • Who actually called the number for a good time?

  • @2552tomtom its actually the number for the national rail enquiries. ooh! the humour!

  • Comment removed

  • Some of the problems with our rail services are that so many people don't treat it with respect. My local train station, Rye House had a nice waiting room fitted which had automatic doors, but it wasn't long before vandals turned it into an empty shell. National express never bothered repairing it and I don't blame them. What's the point if people can't treat it properly?

  • Nowhere looks strangely like Aberystwyth.

  • Mitchell is so right. 'the worst of privatisation combined with the worst of nationalisation'. Last year I had to take the train to work every day. For two months, every evening, the train was delayed. The least would be five minutes, but overwhelmingly it would be half an hour or more. Once on the train I wouldn't be able to sit down, and for this service I had to pay a ridiculous amount of money. Trains are a fantastic form of transport, why must we insist on wasting them.

  • There's no train station in Cirencester...

  • @Roopydoo There is!! It's where all the old train spotters go to die. :P

  • The british complain so much about their struggling infrastructure try living in an Australian metro city....... you like 3 minute waits? try 20 minutes if you're lucky. honestly while i'm sure the british system is probably shit compared to tokyo, paris or wherever it is much better than ours.

  • @judoisoww 3 minute waits? Try 3 hours...and then sitting for another 3 in a siding while they fix the train...and then having to get a bus the last 3 miles because they couldn't.

  • @judoisoww I've lived in both (Aussie native) trust me Britains trains are the worst first world PT I've ever encountered. The toilets still dump on the tracks and the fare that was asked to go the same distance beween Brisbane and the Gold Coast was over $120 aus, one way. Ten times the price back home.

  • @MrAjfish You said our's are bad then turned to saying your's are bad.

  • @MrAjfish I don't know where in Australia you're from but if its Sydney your memory must be faulty. The Tube is awful but even its decrepitude pales in comparison to that of Cityrail. Delays are endemic, major track closures occur every week and everything is overcrowded and filthy. Our toilets still dump on the tracks as well. The only real alternative to the trains are the buses which run in frequently and chronically late The only thing I will concede is that the fares re definitely cheaper.

  • There's a reason London isn't Privatised. It didn't work.

  • did anybody actually try calling 0845 748 4950 for a good time?

  • @MrNeekappa It's the National Rail Enquiries number.

  • Replace all the British references with 'Melbourne' and I could use the exact same rant.

  • Re-nationalise the railways!!!

  • @00maharum00ma Nationalising the railways is like replacing an incompetent doctor with a moderately competent chimpanzee. They won't do a good job without accountability.

    We need REAL competition, somehow.

  • @Treblaine We'd need to go back in time and have them privatise it in a way that isn't pants on head retarded, such as the system we had before we nationalised them in the first place with only 4 companies. Admittedly the current system fails mostly because because there is no competition. As David quite accurately points out, if you want to go somewhere you have to take that particular companies trains :P

    That said I'm a dangerous liberal lefty and support nationalisation for the most part XD

  • @HorzaPanda I don't use the term "liberal". Because they are not in favour of liberal gun laws, they are not in favour of liberal hunting laws, they are not in favour of liberal smoking. Overall "liberals" and conservatives seem to want to ban/liberate the same amount of things.

    I use "Progressive" instead of "liberal" to contrast conservative.

  • @Treblaine Yes, it is a weird one. When I call myself "liberal" I mean the dictionary definition of the word, not as in being part of the political group. Then again, I was mostly joking there as it seems if you disagree with certain conservatives elements you're automatically a Stalinist, or at least, one of the Conservatives over here accused us all of being that when me and my fellow petition signing lot complained about the changes to the NHS :P (I wasn't making any judgement on you)

  • @HorzaPanda I use "Stalinist" appropriately. North Korea has a Stalinist government with their internal exile and so on. New Labour was never close. But It was superficial, overly idealising and pandering.

    I suspect any objections you had about the NHS were perfectly reasonable but unfortunately we aren't living in reasonable times. Government and private debt have become critically high. And homoeopathy and aromatherapy should NOT be on tax-money.

  • And yet you wouldn't even be having coffee there with their slogan if the damn train was coming on time.

  • 'this route'? he pronounced it all american.

  • I've been saying this for years. Damn those local monopolies trying to pose as options in a free market.

  • Cirencester doesn't have a train station.

  • @YaMumYaNanYaGran It used to have three, all of which were destroyed by Doctor Beeching in what has to be the most short-sighted political decision of the 20th century, only slightly ahead of privitisation.

  • And another thing. Look at the broad tops of all those cars as they pass. Though only operative during the day, why not cover these cars with Solar Panels and transmit their power to the 4 axels under each car? Modern Voltage controls for Low Voltage are a snap, and with Direct Current the linking,, Car to Car,, is an easy thing. As an assist, PV work well on even a cloudy or misty day. Oh,, and doOoo hire an Italian to design the new cars. PLEASE! Knute TR Knudtson

  • Now look here. David, you have clearly outlined the deficits of the current rail administrations. (Public and Private) But David, rail is about 400 times more efficient than travel by motor car, and even a twin rail system takes less width of trace than a 2 lane country road. Wouldn’t be a way to get the Greenies to back the efficiencies and the Land Use folks, to champion the low impact and efficiencies of improved British Rail service??? Just thinking. Knute TR Knudtson

  • We have a similarly awful transit system in Toronto called the TTC. I might just overdub "British people" with "Torontonians" and send this video to the municipal government here.

  • france has an awesome transport system

  • I thought you weren't going to be Finnemore's bitch..

  • Problem is even though the UK's rail infrastructure is amazing in the fact that it goes to pretty much every town and village in the nation, unlike most other nations respective railways, it's considered old fashioned. So even though there's amazing potential for modern and efficient uses, especially concerning frieght it's overlooked or scoffed at for more eye catching nonsense.

    I bet you could could get money for a monorail system that's built over the existing railway tracks knowing us.

  • HA! I love the fact that the "4 a good time" phone number is national rail enquiries!  Gotta love David Mitchell and his little references!

  • Fairy obvious how the rail company can maintain a monopoly when its getting most of it's obligations payed for by the state.

  • Cirencester! Woo woo!

  • the scenery reminds me of inception..... 

  • The number is the National Rail enquiries line, in case anyone didn't feel like googling it!

  • Douglas Adams wrote something very similar about the horrible sandwiches we get (or rather got 20 years ago ) in pubs.

    Apparently they are (or were) some sort of huge repentance for whatever it is we have done ( or had done ) to deserve such paltry offerings, but being English we were all to polite to mention it.

    But with trains; as soon as a government here tries to fund better rail services they are condemned for wasting money.

  • LOL i love this..

    Except there is no Train Station in Cirencester.. I live there.. Nearest one is Kemble lol.

  • @vzlegend Glad someone else got there before me! Doesn't make me feel like so much of an annoying pedant anymore.

  • Who dialled the phone number, and was the promised 'good time' worth the effort?

  • Comment removed

  • AWESOME

  • i love daviid mitchell and i love soap box but cirencester doesn't have a train station!!!

  • The soapbox is by far the best medium for David Mitchell to highlight his comic and intellectual prowess. If I'm honest, and I will be, I have never liked nor given my time to the Mitchell and Webb show and assumed that as a consequence, David MItchell was just another over-paid television actor. Oh for shame!  I take it all back, David, you are hilarious and more importantly, insightful.

  • @dpd1978 i am the opposite, this lacks any comedy for me. Peep show is the winner

  • @dpd1978 The Mitchell and webb look doesn't really highlight the duo's comic abilities nearly as much as peepshow does. Honestly it's really very funny and the supporting cast are hilarious too.

  • @humouriseverything

    Ok thanks, I'll check it out

  • Australian trains are much, much worse.

  • DAVID MITCHELL FOR PRIMINISTER!

  • As someone who lives in Tokyo, I'm blessed with an efficient, although incredibly over-crowded, train system. This doesn't mean it's perfect: finding the right combinatin of transfers between the different companies to get where you want to go can be madness. Buying tickets is also a right mess, unless you have a PASMO. It's also not particularly fast (unless you're travelling long distance) and so expensive that most Japanese prefer to fly rather than use the bullet train.

  • These rants are basically standup. They're funny, but they'd be better in front of a crowd IMO.

  • @sausagedogmcgee you'd get too meny people clapping and cheering every time he says something

  • Yesterday on my way home from London to Bristol an announcement told us that due to a fire somewhere unknown, the train would not be stopping in Bath. This announcement occured AFTER the train had passed Bath station, leaving all the Bath-goers in a confused panic for several minutes. How polite.

  • Epic rant is epic

  • So the main thrust of the argument is against the system, the blame for which can be laid fairly and squarely at the door of the Major government.

    Having said that, if the railways in the UK are so bad, why are passenger numbers at the highest level since 1946, when the network was almost twice as big as it is now?

  • I tend to think David Mitchell has no knowledge whatsoever about the reality of financing railway systems. They are inherently, ferociously expensive and almost every system requires vast state subsidies. In contrast, the Government makes a large profit from the road system via fuel duty, VAT and the like which are not paid by railway systems. Not to say it's well managed, but if you want good value - go by coach.

  • @jonessg3

    i think hes mainly getting that the private buisness end should fix and clean the trains instead of using goverment tax money

  • @WasLilChrisnowbigish I'm sure he is, but he exhibits that standard feature of a comedian which is echoing populist sentiments which appeal to a particular part set of prejudices. The railways in the UK weren't built by the state in the first place. In many, many ways they are fundamentally uneconomical and I've no dount he current financia stucture is a complete mess. A couple of people that have put more thought into this.

    tinyurl-dot-com/2epgj6o tinyurl-dot-com/3y64wo4

  • best soapbox episode :)

  • whatever you say, public transportation is still better in england than in Canada :(

  • @cheeseUout IKR?! To get to my hometown by train is only $50 from Prince George; but 1st I have to ride a bus for 3 hours and stay overnight in PG cuz they closed the BC Rail passenger trains. I can take the bus all the way but the cost is the same, time is 3 hrs less, but HELLISH.

    To get to Vancouver via train I gotta bus to PG, stay overnight, and then take a tourist train via Revelstoke, Alberta for $250. ><

    Or I can just drive for 6 hours for about $65.

    Campbell's Liberals suck ass.

  • I had no idea that Boston's MBTA subway system was run by the British! That explains so much...

  • Stupid railway companies. That is all.

  • At this point I feel I should mention an option which has been overlooked and underconsidered, namely a canal speedboat network. As anyone who's played Tomb Raider 2 knows, a speedboat can travel quite quickly along a canal system, as long as it's controlled by a male of 15-25 with fast reflexes to avoid colliding with the side of the waterway, and would provide a clean, efficient (albeit really loud and quite dangerous to wildfowl) form of egress. Surely this is the best option for the UK?

  • @BonVoyeur1 not once it catches on and the canals get crowded!

  • @BonVoyeur1 Speedboats aren't very fuel efficient sadly. Tempting idea anyway though.

  • @BonVoyeur1 And they laughed when they were giving away speedboats on Bullseye.

  • @BonVoyeur1 Will they be nuclear powered speedboats?

  • @BonVoyeur1 they would make it really overpriced just like the train

  • @BonVoyeur1 and yet i've always imagine it with jetskis - maybe they would be the opposite numbers of motorbikes on the canals

  • Suck it bulldog I already have red and blue 3d glasses. Im not buying anything :) bwahaha

  • Water companies also get my goat, overpriced and it's a monopoly

  • It costs £35 to go to london and back from ipswich, and theres usually no seating.

  • lol any 1 read the message " 4 a good time call 0845 748 4950" i wonder whos fucking number that is lol

  • @warlordwaylander Isn't it obvious? It is the train network phone number.

  • lol like it david, one question how many times did you breath through that rant!

  • still glad to be british

  • @Rohloffp not me, i recognised the train hotline number instantly ;-)

  • David, why do you complain so much about the service? The bus replacement service is always on time..

  • it really should be legal to lynch the people who british rail or whatever it is that runs the trains thesedays

  • Trains good, planes bad. whoo whoo

  • If you pause a 1:31, it looks like David's had a little accident :)

  • There is no train station in Cirencester, it is impossible to go there by train.

  • I quite like our trains. I take trains twice every school day, and they rarely let me down.

  • costs me £20 to go from newcastle to edinburgh and back with a student rail card.... and it costs me £5 to get a bus from home to newcastle train station and back.... it's a joke

  • the number at the end that was on the post is for national rail HAHAHAHAHA im calling those bastards up today they stole my money. wankers.

  • Very well said, I enjoy all these soap box videos, but being someone who travels to work on the train most days this one I can relate to. Guaranteed, delays every week. And guaranteed major delays (at least 45 mins) every month.

  • I quite like our trains...

  • So funny!

  • You think Britain's trains are rubbish? Try America. Hell, come to my homestate and take a ride on Amtrak, or spend any time on the New York City subway - you would weep. And we don't even get coffee or a snacks trolley!

  • @SimsKatie id love to go try them but are planes are shit too

  • @MrMudkipKing and transatlantic steamships aren't really in fashion anymore... what with all the sinking

  • If you think Britain has bad trains you should go to Australia >_>

  • @monjags Id love to but are planes are shit too

  • Gimme state-owned railways.

  • Glorious countryside in the background there. And this rant is so true. If only transport ministers/whoever is in charge could see this.

  • Is it wierd that my day just got better by listening to a posh guy get angry about trains?

  • Anybody who thinks the trains will be more efficient under private ownership, in spite of the industry being a natural monopoly, purely because "the free market is soooo efficient" has absoultely no understanding of even the most basic principles of economics. So its even more amazing that our leaders - who are supposed to be educated and whose job is to, you know, think about this kind of stuff - havnt realised this.

  • fantastic podcast yet again  :)

  • Crazy train is a suggested video in the sidebar :S I found that a bit ironic.

  • I am from New York and I can so relate to this.

  • only mr mitchell could pull of a monster of a rant like that. all true, of course...

  • The fiction is that you can have privatised trains... when there is only one railway. Therefore only one train can be on the rail at any one time... so competition is impossible.

    Train companies make record profits year on year, whilst tickets rise above inflation, trains are late, dirty and crammed full.

    The fiction of part-nationalised/part-privati­sed railways needs to end. Now.

  • The number on the post at 2:48 is national rain inquiries. :p

  • @FranticGra Very clever ;)

  • Anyone who is as confused as i am by Britains trains (im a train spotter, and im still dumbfounded.) Eleven Minuites Late by Matthew Engels is a smashing read.

  • excellent!

  • I think you can translate this in dutch and it would still be correct and very true :)

  • wow, so apparently trains are crappy almost everywhere.

  • @AsparaIn Our trains are crappy AND expensive.

    so we win.

  • Bulldog man's voice really is a bit odd - as if he has a pea in his throat, but it's a pet pea which he wouldn't want to dislodge and so has to strain in case his voicebox disturbs it

  • I love these they are so grumpy :p

  • Woot Dundee! =D. Also These are awesome.

  • What I hate most about trains is when someone sits next to me. I like having 4 seats and a table all to myself.

  • That's the number for the National Rail.

  • Love it!! Hilarious use of the phone number there as well.

  • Why is it that you can fly abroad on an aeroplane for £20. But it costs more to travel locally on a train??!!!

  • @dylandior123 cos ur an idiot

  • @dylandior123 There are a lot of reasons, but one of the big ones is that airlines don't have to pay tax on the fuel they use, but all other forms of transport (including trains) do.

  • @dylandior123 Very good question. As many other people are saying... trains by their very nature, can't have true competition. There is only one rail track.

    Airplanes on the other hand, don't have only one track to run on, one track that's owned by one group. Airplanes have real competition, and therefor real prices.

    Trains are just a monopoly. State run is better than a monopoly.

  • @dylandior123 Aeroplanes are more fuel efficient. They'll sell out the entire plane nearly every time which carries a lot more people than a bus. A bus may only have 2 or 3 people on it sometimes and thos 3 people won't pay for the fuel of the bus.

  • @Smeggers08 Thats debatable, I've flown long haul on empty 747s

  • @dylandior123 Hear-hear!

  • @dylandior123 You can travel abroad for £20? I traveled to Germany, and it cost me round 1300 dollars American. You might want to define "abroad," mate.

  • @embrezar Abroad means outside the nation. If you need any more help, just ask. My grandmother once paid £1 to fly to the republic of Ireland, a country which is abroad.

  • @dylandior123

    I just looked it up and found that you can travel from London to Edinburgh for 107 Pounds. I've never actually been there, so I don't know if that's right or not, but I found it online, so I'll take it as truth. It's about 652Km. The journey takes approximately 5 hours.

    In Canada, to go from Jasper to Edmonton (310Km - Half the distance), it takes 5 and a half hours, and costs about 85 Pounds.

    I think we are getting a worse deal :P

  • @hobbes71002

    In NSW Australia you can travel almost anywhere in the State for a week for about $28.50, which translates to about 15 Pounds. By my calculation UK ticket prices far outstrip our fare evasion fines.

  • Catching the train is actually a really nice way to travel. The reason why I don't do it is because you just can't trust the train to actually be running

  • London to Norwich is one of my frequent routes. Over the past 10 years it went from shit to shitter. They now serve sandwiches with that old bread that goes hard...

  • Haha brilliant slogansare soo anoying there is little we can do I am sure we have moaned and yet still little has been done. I am all for Euro-trains.

    -though Cirencester hasn't got a train station?

    Hahaha- "this rant will be temporarily suspended"

  • At least every country except America has such trains. A train ride outside places like new york is thought of as an amusement ride, usually ferrying people from one half of a theme park to another, or a means of conveying massive amounts of the same rail car from one unknown point to another in massively long chains.

  • "The French, because they have esprit and élan and éclat and éclairs..." XD Love it. Has anyone tried calling the number?