Been feeling suicidal...and taking a hiatus from youtube

[nclgoulding]

Wish I could jump through the screen and give you a hug! I've come off my medications multiple times, I hate being on them and I always think I'll be fine without them. The last few times I have ended up back in hospital. I hope you are feeling better now xx

[Base2lovesBase1]

Maybe you might want to speak to a holistic doctor. Your earlier vids were all about not being on meds because you had not been properly diagnosed. When I was diagnosed, I was basically telling my doc whatever it takes, I will study everything and showing I was proactive. He was glad of this and he told me I would be on meds for life. Honey don't feel bad about being meds. Stay on them!!!!

[WealthGuardShow]

I MISS YOU... PLEASE COME BACK SOON. I hope you are feeling better.

[allinperspective88]

U need to talk to someone I've been where u r swear i have my issues but i live with it and work through it

[allinperspective88]

I tried to hurt myself to its ok you will get better i swear I've lived hell with my probs been on a lot of meds xanax helped me the best what I'm on now i know that when your probs come on its ungodly hard just roll with it kill time there's always help don't ever give up don't go without telling someone u know how u feel u feel like your in hell when everyone is.calm and not understanding I've been doing so much better I'm glad i seen your posts i promise u will get better always reach out if

[CJUDGES]

Watching you is like listening to my own thoughts. We're so similar (with regards to the bipolar I mean). Hang in there girl. We mustn't let this thing beat us! x

[wonabzback]

i use a pill counter to help me take my medications,i do good overall when i take it although i dont like to admit,i hope one day to wein off medications,im glad u didnt overdose,i keep my emotions bottled up and dont lash out to ppl either

[judutchinski]

i was diagnosed as bipolar. thing that sucks is your folks will always hold that against you.

i think i might have PTSD as a result of stress related to my bipolar behavior at work. I'm very scared, I have no control over my thoughts or mouth. Things just blurt out. Rediculous, insulting impulsive things. I need help but i dont want to go back on meds like when i was a kid. i said i'd never go back to therapy. but im freaking out, suicidal, and i feel shell shocked. FML

[kokym8]

Oh my god i don't ask help from people when i need it too cuz i don't want them to bother themselves with my problems ..so i keep it inside too

[eyeshiya]

@kokym8 dick

[kokym8]

@eyeshiya well then you're a pussy for not answering the real questions ..

[eyeshiya]

@kokym8 dick

[kokym8]

I feel crap inside too right now like SHIT ! i'm a bipolar too and it SUCKS ...wish i can get rid of it :'(

[ads316]

I've only just discovered your channel, and all I want to say is I know how you feel, and just to remind you that your not alone. I wish you all the best on your recovery. *hugs*

[screenmanwalt]

Please hang in there - Your not alone...

[judutchinski]

we hve alot in comon. We look like brother and sister. And you mention not wanting to intrude or impose on people. I've been missing out on a lot in life because people misread my intentions as being rude. but really i do want to be a part of their world.

[WayneInPain]

I feel for you I really do...stay strong....

[cindo1958]

I love your videos and how open and honest you are. I have been following your videos and they have helped me My 22 year old daughter was diagnosed BP 1 in Septmeber and has been on depacote for 2 months and its not great. Weight gain being the most depressing, but also hand tremors and not really helping her. Have you tried topomax? she is also on zoloft and trazadone. thank you so much and stay strong. Any suggestions would be fantastic, looking for any help anyone can offer.

[SuperBipolarMan]

Hope you are feeling better. You are so brave and insightful. Even after years of trying to find the right meds that work for me, I still struggle to take them. I think maybe at times I subconciously forget them because of side effects or I don't like the way they make me feel. Maybe I am just so lost that I need to be off my meds at times just to breathe, idk. I can relate with you about the disappointment you feel, I have been there myself a few times. Hang in there.

[SoulsAre4Jesus]

Where is the love people

[skinnyonmymind]

Your a retard

[Fabricman112]

oh and also... stop whining you talk about a husband and dad... imagine NOT having them or anyone else... just you and your lies

[Fabricman112]

why am I posting this?? 1:s and 0:s ... there is only bad

[Fabricman112]

I now have my own company with a few employees and a solid economy... I get really low sometimes still but I have to manage on my own since I've driven everyone away... the point I'm trying to make is that it will never get "better" but you can train yourself to not care about it/anything...

[Fabricman112]

I don't know how old you are... I'm a 38 year old man, I stopped taking my lithium about 8 years ago, since then I've lived a very boooring life with no emotions at all... if I hadn't changed my life I'd be dead by now, but I'm also over intelligent so I forced myself to change

[MortgageCami]

You don't ever just stop taking your meds....very very dangerous! Please update us as soon as you can and let us know you are okay. I alway get the urge to stop taking meds, but it is taboo....nothing good is going to come out of it! Another thing I do is when I feel the onset of mania, I take a sleeping pill or an extra xanax OR a couple of swigs of nitequil to sleep. Number one sign of onset of mania is not being tired, I've been able to keep under control. I'm here if you need to talk

[skinnyonmymind]

To eyeshia or whatever your name is it is not your job to judge people. U don't know nothing about bipolar. Being bipolar is a chemical brain imbalance in which we can't control how we feel. So leave her alone be happy your not one of us bipolars

[eyeshiya]

@skinnyonmymind  get real you dope

[Blossoming08]

Hi Nicole: Thank you. Your videos encouraged me. This is better than an online support group I tried. I have BP II and admire your speaking talent about BP. I esp. liked your talk on prejudice. This flak we run into blows us out of the sky into a nose dive of self doubt doesn't it? It is hard enough to come to accept our diagnoses without gunfire. But it's okay. We are alive. Opinions are not knowledge. You are wise. Lean on loved ones to remind you to keep doing what makes you stable. OX

[FairyLea12]

I hope you feel better soon! 

[dmrgtwaves]

Secondly, I get the sense that you are in dire need of both an empowering community and a mind/body practice. Yoga and Chi Gong can be an excellent way of providing both. They are very grounding while also giving a heightened yet balanced sense of aliveness. I would highly recommend checking out The Chi Center website and watching some of the amazing videos of people transforming their lives with this practice. And again thank you so much for sharing your heart with us. Be well.

[dmrgtwaves]

You beautiful, brave soul. I get the sense you are on the edge of a deep and wonderful transformation if you can allow yourself to stay open to possibilities. You've come this far; why not believe its possible that life can get a whole lot better? Here's a couple of potential gold nuggets for you: Google Dr. Dan Kalish and and read his website. He is an extraordinary human being who has helped many people transform situations that seemed once impossible.

[bipolaraberdeen]

Don’t see meds as negative. We have a brain chemical imbalance. I take Olanzapine (Zyprexa) which balances the dopamine levels . I also take fluoxetine to treat my low serotonin levels. I feel great on meds. They are positive. The medication helps correct the imbalance

The imbalance affects our thoughts emotions and behaviours

Its OK to be on Meds

If you’re concerned about your creativity for writing on Meds

Try learning Meditation

It will improve creativity alot

Best Wishes

Marcus

[bipolaraberdeen]

Hi Nicola

No matter what you are going through now It will get better.

I’ve been there. But there is light at the end of the tunnel. Hang in there. Things will turn around for the better.

:)

Marcus

[vailbaby28]

Your videos are so important. What would so many of us do without you? Hope you are feeling better. :-)

[astroidmist]

Dear BipolarStateofBeing, don't give up hope. You are still here because you are smart and have an innate survival instinct. And also because you are thoughtful. Depression impairs judgement and critical thinking, but I can see and hear you struggling against this. You may not even notice this about yourself but you will in the future when you feel better. I respect your decision to take care of yourself. We will welcome you back when you feel better. Your videos help me cope with schiz.

[Jairzinho121]

For some people hypomania and mania can be really enlightening but in practical reality it can be a nightmare.

[Jairzinho121]

Nicole, I want you to know that manic depression is a very real dangerous condition.

However, you need to remember its something you do not like and need to come out of. You had been saying this in previous videos, but recently said you missed being hypomanic. Its like you subconsciously created this scenario. Is this what you want to be?

I dont think it is, and you know you can come out of it. Is hypomania really worth this?

[aunttuna24]

I've been subscribed to your videos for the past couple months and really enjoying them. I hope you are able figure things out for yourself. Ignore the anonymous, ignorant idiots who leave you negative comment on this video. If they really had something to say, they'd leave you a video response. You're helping out many people with your videos.

[eyeshiya]

@aunttuna24 yawn

[Jairzinho121]

@eyeshiya troll

[eyeshiya]

@Jairzinho121  retard

[eyeshiya]

omg ...taking a shower stopped you killing yourself .....wow you saddo , did you give your children a thought ? you know better than to just stop taking your meds . your just an attention seeker lol and not a very good one at that . get your self pulled together and stop being such a jerk .

[aunttuna24]

@eyeshiya Are you serious? You clearly searched for youtube videos with this subject to find this one. Strange you are calling her an attention seeker, you must not own a mirror in your home? Get a life, you miserable pig.

[eyeshiya]

@aunttuna24 look within yourself agent starling lol idiot

[aunttuna24]

@eyeshiya Starling, so I'm a bird now? I'll take a crap on you while I'm flying.

[Jairzinho121]

@eyeshiya People like u make me sick, there is a huge difference between feeling low and being manically depressed.

I actually wish people like you did not exist.

[eyeshiya]

@Jairzinho121 you watch a snake eating a goat alive and then call ME  lol your an idiot

[Jairzinho121]

@eyeshiya ur a pathetic attention seeker. There is a time and a place to be juvenile, this thread is not it.

[kokym8]

@eyeshiya fuck off ! u know nothing about bipolar disorder so just stay away

[eyeshiya]

@kokym8 dick

[kokym8]

@eyeshiya you're the dick ,you're the one who dissed a disease !

[alphabrainwave]

I have a friend who is suffering from an escalating case of bipolar disorder. I stumbled on your channel while trying to research his condition, to better understand him and his struggles, and your videos have by far been the most helpful aid for me in this journey. You are an articulate, empathetic person with a full soul and a deep well, and I think the reason you have helped me so much is because I could easily imagine you as a friend. I wish you all the best during your hiatus. Thank you.

[1thebem]

You are very brave. I'm 40 and only just found the help i needed as everyone told me i was ok. i also throw up when at my worst. I have 3 stickers in my own handwriting to help me: 'you will feel better' - is near impossible to believe when i am sick. 'Drinking too much makes you feel very bad' - hard to remember when i am high this will result in a low. 'Pills' on my kettle. I am now taking Lactimal and have been diagnosed with bi polar 2. I have never felt so stable. Good luck and thank youx

[gkamericanprincess]

You seemed fine on your meds. You did not seem flat or boring. Did you feel that way? You seemed like a smart, vital woman. Why did you want to go off?

[nerdmom920]

Please don't think that you've failed with the meds. Usually going cold turkey has those kinds of negative side-effects. Get stable, do you, and then try again with the supervision of your doctor when you both agree you're ready. Don't worry(better said than done) about youtube. It'll be here when you are ready to come back.

[RENOGUY777]

I think you are very brave for posting a video like this. I have made three videos of the same magnitude but i lack the balls to post them. As for you leaving that is disappointing. This is the first good bi polar channel i have found. FUCK ASS SHIT GAHHHHHHH.

[mlarosa2133]

For example the book Feeling Good by David Burns is really good cuz it explains how our mind automatically thinks negative thoughts when you are in a depressive mood. When I am in a depressed state I can't seem to think positive, it takes effort and when you are depressed you don't want to make any effort to change cuz its soooo difficult. What really helps too is reading the book of Psalms---David went through many depressive moments and he wirtes positive things as well.

[mlarosa2133]

Hey there!!! I go through the same thing. I was diagnosed in the end of 2006 and took medication, but I stopped 2008. You can live without medication!!! Don't be sad!!! I am getting out of a depressed episode right now. Its hard but with support and you sharing your thoughts and feeling really helps!! I thought about going on again but I remembered that I it really didn't help me I still had depressed moments. We just we need be prepared when our mind decisions to shut down.

[siTTinLo420]

I don't even know you..but I care about you,,because you and I are going through the same exact thing and i can relate 100%. and it is extremely hard to talk to people about our issues because we're afraid and like you said "don't want to intrude on others"..but your videos have provided me great insight and have helped me out dramatically through some of my toughest times. just knowing that I'm not alone and thousands of others are going through the same things helps me pull through. Thank you

[siTTinLo420]

Please pull through because just like you stated in the very first video of yours that i watched titled "lets talk about bipolar and suicide"... It's Not Worth It. although at times we feel so worthless and like nobody gives a fuck,,,That Is NOT TRUE.. thats just our bipolar trying to take control again. We are loved, we are not worthless, People NEED US..people around us would be devastated if we were gone. although sometimes is seems otherwise,,it is the absolute truth.

[siTTinLo420]

my heart sank to the ground and i can only imagine what he is going through He was an extremely wealthy guy and on the surface appeared to have everything all together But apparently even all the money in the world cannot make you happy,but just thinking about his 15 year old son having to live the rest of his life without a father. really made me realize the significance of life. although I often hate myself and have thoughts of suicide,The people around us would be devastated if we were gone

[siTTinLo420]

You and I are so much alike.I can identify with just about Everything you just said. I have been at my absolute Worst I have ever been for the past month or so. Thinking about taking my own life and feeling just hopeless. But a strange thing happened..The owner of the company that i work for, this morning took his own life. He was going through marital problems and my boss told me today that "he was no longer with us". and all i could think about was his 15 year old son, no longer having a dad

[cyclogirl]

It's kind of starting to worry me that you haven't said anything in a while. Are you ok???

[SuperBipolarMan]

Trapped.

[mooddisorderedmind]

I am sorry to hear that things are at such a low point for you. Depression can be very debilitating. You are a very strong young woman and I know you will pull through this. I do worry about you and I am hopeful that you will get the care that you need and deserve. You have a wonderful caring family who love and cherish you. Keep them close and know that you are wanted here. I know you probably hear this a lot, but this too shall pass. Keep us posted when you are in a better place. Good luck. :)

[Cathryn1962]

this sad video made me happy, happy to see you give us an update, happy that you're vlogging it out, happy to see YOU.

yeah, going off meds may seem like a good idea but my experience is that it always bites me in the ass. i was hoping it would work out for you but know that this video will help others deal with the same issues. take as much time as you need and we'll be here when you get back!

[robertlete]

Hang in there! This disorder is like the weather. One minute it is very calm and nice and the next it is stormy and shity. Be honest with your Doc. Maybe you need a low dose antidepressant? For me If i don't take the meds, i eventually end up in the hospital. I will be praying for yah and your family.



[lovebiotech]

I'm so sorry that you went back down so fast. {{{hugs}}} I could feel the pain through your video, regarding having to go back on meds. I've been taking a drug combo and had to double up on one of them. As a result, I feel like I'm coming back to life. I can barely afford medications, but I'm hoping to gain some momentum. I'm doing this for my career. I'm doing this for my children. Before kids, we would ask for help for ourselves. Now, we need to ask for help for our kids. They need us.

[lovebiotech]

I hope you feel better soon, and I'm VERY glad you did not act on your impulse!

[monicanietzsche]

....sorry to hear you are struggling  ...hang in there :)

[Jairzinho121]

Lots of people love you and need you,more than you could ever imagine. They would be dead without you.

[wisler84]

Thank cylogirl,that what I'm saying.To quote from the bible when the words are dead,is just as bad a blasfem to me.Jesus didnt just quote from the hebrew text,he realated to the people.so learn to use your heart not your mind,fear:love for the father not terror.Bridle your tonge if you have no helping word.For words cut deep,I'll help you but first you must..?no clear the mind then tell the good news.

[cyclogirl]

You know what..... I am a Christian and I am saved. But I also have a mood disorder and nothing will change that. God gave man the knowledge to create medicine, just as he gave me and Nicole the courage to ask for help and take the medicine!! I don't pray for a lighter load, I pray for a stronger back. Medicine helps make my back stronger, so to speak. I will keep narrow minded fools like you in my prayers. Way to spread the gospel dude!

[trevans19772]

Jesus Christ is able to heal you. If you repent and get baptized in the name of Jesus Christ for the remission of sins you will receive the Holy Spirit. When you receive the Holy Spirit, then you will be able to partake of the fruits of the Holy Spirit, which are love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, and temperance. You will have life within you after you are born again. I will pray for you.

[wisler84]

@trevans19772 What the fudge,you really think repenting and having a bath is going to make a chemical inblance go away?You really need to find the right time to spout that mate.People need a shoulder to cry on,someone to talk to,dont get me wrong if that helps you that fin,but when your opening up like she is,you dont need the word repent,baptize, can I get some fries with my guilt pls.You take a long look in the mirror and ask yourself am I really helping?

[trevans19772]

@wisler84 A sound mind is one of the things that Jesus Christ gives to those who obey the Gospel.

2 Timothy 1:7 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

[ReedLukens]

trevans, part 2 - Spend some money and buy "The Soul Care Bible" available through Amazon if you want to learn about how Jesus really works through all of us as we are the body now. This is a counselors bible and hits every subject that a person will have to deal with in his lifetime including bipolar disorder. This is by far the best counseling Bible ever put out and they have hundreds of DVD's that you can buy that will help truly raise you into the person that God wants you to be.

[ReedLukens]

trevans, mental illness is not something to lay false trips on people about Jesus. In 1Co12 Paul says that we all have our spiritual gifts. Listen to God is the main point of the bible, he created Doctors & medications on purpose for here in the times we are in. Bipolar disorder needs medication and any Christian Psychiatrist will tell you that. Check with the AACC if you have any questions or watch their video on bipolar disorder. That's the "American Association of Christian Counselors."

[ReedLukens]

@Jairzinho it sounds like you understand the gene malfunction but let's make sure. We believe bipolar disorder is caused by an abnormality in the limbic system, which allows for fluctuations in gene control. This allows the uncontrolled or malfunctioning gene to cause the extreme mood swings. When a bipolar person is happy, he is really happy. When he is suicidal, it is serious & becomes reality without intervention. The uncontrolled human gnome needs to be stabilized with medicine at all times.

[terryrodcrz]

Hang in there Nicole. This is not the best time of the year for a lot of ppl anyway. I pray you feel better soon. I saw this video last night and forgot to comment. I've been thinking of you all day. I hope you get some rest and the help you need. I've been there so contact me if you ever want to talk. msg me. Terry xoxoxox

[alcoholismrecovery]

iknow bipolar is difficult because I saw a documentary on a famous englishman called stephen fry who really suffered with bipolar and he escaped the country in attempt to commit suicide. He was in a really bad space and made a genuine attempt to save his life. It took hima while but he is now ok and got through it. They found out he was chronic bipolar. Your doing well, dont give up : ) xxx

[alcoholismrecovery]

@alcoholismrecovery sorry *attent to take his life* i meant

[Nina405713]

I know you dont know me, but I hve been watching your videos for a few months now and it really shed some light to this darkness I have been going through with my baby sister. I hate that you are not feeling well but hang in there! It can't rain forever! Your rainbow will shine! All in all, do what is best for you! Just remember that there are people who care about you, (Your family, friends, youtube viewers.... I hope your Dr. Visit went well!

[ShaunberryiPod]

Will think of you.

[apotheker73]

Good that you will visit you doc. I neither seek help. But I am getting better. In turn my wifte have got better to notice any symptoms (mania or depr). I am on Zyprexa 10mg. For 2 months. I lowered the dose to 5mg 10 days ago, withou talking to my doc. After 5 days I was starting to fall down to depression. I will be more carefull with my meds.

[rachaeljessicaora]

Oh Nicole im so sorry to hear that you're feeling this way....i know how it is to feel like that. I'm here for you if you ever need to talk. I'm going through a lot right now too which is why i havn't posted any videos as well.

[TheSlothkin]

You are lucky. How many other people get to experience the absolute extremes of human emotion? Enjoy it. All viewers who have pity on her are mistaken. You should be jealous.

[YellowEmber]

I was diagnosed with Bipolar I three years ago. I have never met anyone else who has Bipolar I, and your videos have helped me immensely in the past week. I can relate to a lot of your experiences. In the past 3 months I had to drop out of medical school and end a relationship because of my 2nd major manic episode. As a result, I'm sitting at home a lot and I have a lot of time (and loneliness) on my hands. Please message me if you feel like you need to talk to someone!

[Jairzinho121]

Everything in this world is temporary.

Zyprexa is a very powerful drug. Withdrawal can lead to anxiety, depression suicidal thoughts etc. Some people can come off meds, but it takes a lot longer than a week and a half and its not easy. But if your health is in danger, you should definitely go back on the meds,

Remember nothing is permanent, everything is a learning experience, in 6 months you might feel like coming off them again and might do it for longer, who knows? Nothing is permanent.

[rarimapirate9]

Nicole I don't know what to tell you it's a crazy crazy disease and I can't really say I know what you are going through because all of us are different, even if we share manic depression. Just please please stick with it you'll get over it, and keep living not for anyone on the internets or god but for your family & friends and yourself. Look for those little pockets and shimmers of happiness and goodness when your down, that's what I try & do. Do what you got to do, much love from everyone

[Jairzinho121]

I also feel a bond with you, like many others here. You have helped people so much with your honesty and openness. You are a genuinely amazing soul.

What you have to realize is that you will come out of this low. Just like you have before, even though you might not be able to see that right now, I guarantee you will come out of it. How you are feeling now is temporary, and in the past you have proven to yourself that you can come out of this. If you need meds right now, so what.

[leslie19471]

If this really how you are feeling you should keep in contact. Why would you want to stop your meds?

[crAckZ111]

Hey hun,  sorry you have to go through this. Don't worry bout YouTube and take care of yourself. It will get better.

[coolika]

Big hug and lots of love from me.. meds are not that easy unfortunately

[soulagent79]

When you're bipolar it is probably impossible to live without medication for a longer period of time. Sooner or later the mania or depression will definitely come back! I'm bipolar too and I know I'll have to take my lithium for the rest of my life. Let's rather be thankful there IS medication for this terrible mental disease.

[TJMK2007]

did this exact same thing a year & a half ago. went off all meds. wanted my body 2 have a break. started in July & by Nov was back on meds. first it was hypomanic, then a crash of depr (just like you). it was so hard coming 2 terms w/ the realization that i will be on meds prob the rest of my life. it took another (almost year) to get me leveled BACK out. from that Nov to just this past July, i went from that severe dep to full-on manic. WOW! not fun. and finally feel kinda normal. *hugs* to u

[Embelievablebipolar]

I feel so bad for you. I understand the aversion to being on meds for the rest of your life. I'm in that boat. Really though its not worth what you're feeling. If you get back on them you'll feel better and get your life back.

[SoulsAre4Jesus]

I hope you feel better soon. I'll miss you on youtube.

[HappyDagger1993]

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way.

I could hug you for a bajillion hours.

I sincerely hope it gets better.

[gkamericanprincess]

You are not a failure just because you need your meds anymore than a diabetic is a failure because they need their insulin. I know you know that intellectually, from watching your mostly positive videos. You just need to stay with the meds and stabilize. I was thinking lowering my meds but I told my psychiatrist that winter in our dark state is NOT the time to do it.

Please take care and come back as soon as you can. I have really enjoyed your videos and learned a lot from them.

[italianman004]

YOU NEED MEDS ACCEPT IT and stop playing Doctor.,,

[tony711978]

I bi polar too..i stopped taking meds and lost control. keep taking the meds!

[DrWGONZALEZ]

You left out the part about the night of heavy drinking just before you suddenly stopped your zyprexa. Yes, you missed your zyprexa dose because you were hung over. In my opinion it is in your best interest to abstain from alcohol.

[A2DKing]

I really hope you feel better.

[PrimalRhythm]

You mentioned how you feel like you "failed" the experiment of not taking your meds. But I don't think there is shame in taking medication; I see it as a tool to the individual; sort of like wearing eye-glasses. Also, progress is usually the result of mistakes and wrong-turns; it is how we learn; at least that is how my life has worked; it seems to be have been a series of mistakes; but really the mistakes are just chances to grow.

[Turbochargedss]

start eating coconut oil, hemp hearts, and lots of fruits and vegetables. plenty of fibre, protein, EFA's and antioxidants. exercise well and get lots of sleep. try some cannabis as well!!

[psementalist]

Nicole I have watched all your videos an became a fan of yours . Please keep seeing your Dr and nurse you see and keep taking your meds . You did good by talking about it with your hubby I am going through a simlier situation it will get better God is watching over us protecting us all . Please take care see you when you get back on YouTube

[Thuggin2222]

Please stay in touch with your doctor & family/friends. You are a beautiful young lady and the world would suffer a great loss if anything ever happened to you!

[mebe]

I am glad you are going to see your doctor. It is very difficult and risky to go off medications without the doctor's supervision. Thank you for being strong and staying around for your family. Remember that it is the disorder that causes your suicidal thinking and not who you really are. Do not let it overtake you, please. Keep us posted!

[jojocookies1269]

I understand. Try some up beat music and try to get some sun. Don't feel bad about having to take meds. You are taking much less than so many people. Be proud of yourself and all you have learned about yourself. I will tell you honestly that I think alcohol is SUPER bad. It often throws people into mania which then leads to depression. I hope that you will be safe.

[LThrale]

I'm rooting for you. I hope things turn around for you sooner rather than later. Feel better xo

[pdp1170]

BSB,

I know how you feel. Twice in the last 10 years I thought psych meds were interfering with my thinking and my life so I quit. Both times I found out that was not true when I nearly lost everything. I accept the fact now I need help with a few things. I take meds for my family and friends, not so much for me, it's a compassionate act.

Don

[M1NDR34D3R]

I can understand how you feel, I am the same way in many ways.

I do not believe we have the exact same condition, but i know how it feels to be suicidal at times.

I just live for my up-swings right now, and hope i will eventually get better with help of psychiatrists. It's very hard when you are down, but you will always get back up if you keep fighting!

Good luck..

[AnxietyChick]

Im so sorry Nicole that ur feeling sad, I teared up throughout this whole vid bc i understand ur pain and I KNOW what r going through. But please dont go through with trying to commit suicide please. I dont know u but i love u as a friend and Ive tried to commit suicide as u can see from my past vids and its not worth it. So glad that ur letting it all out on this video, cry if u have to just let it all out. Im here for u always. Live for ur kids and family, they need u. **hugs

[DarrenSmith3214]

I am sorry you feel like this. I am probably some kind of bipolar. My personal problem with that term is that the "experts" have never diagnosed me the same way twice. Eventually I just kinda worked my way outa that phase. Not to imply that your situation has anything in common with mine. But I think you should keep on keeping on...on the chance that it gets better. I am loathe to see you so sad. Good Luck.

[malarki5]

I am truly humbled that you should deem to share your deepest feeling and thoughts on such a dreadful condition.

Please hang on in there for those who love you.

[ReedLukens]

part 2. - first hand what it will be like off of the medications. Remember last year when I made the BPD & meds video for you? It tells it straight up and now you know for sure why we have to take the meds. We can't take the chance of going into the depression stage unmedicated. At least with the meds in the depression stage we can still smile and thankfully we are not suicidal. So go party and have some fun, let your system balance out and remember we all love you 8°)

Reed

[ReedLukens]

Hey Nicole 8°)

So this is one of the side effects of not having the medication in your system, you know. Just stick it out especially for the kids and get your medications straightened out. Your husband needs to know to not ever leave you alone when you are feeling depressed like this. Still to this day, the worst memories that I can remember is when my ex-wife was suicidal and facing the fact that she was totally serious. Try to remember how good you were just last week. So now you can see...

[monicavons]

Hang in there girl... it does get better.

[TheShaolinScholar]

i have done this before it happens to alot of people things will definitly get better

[juice12222]

Why Do you think of committing suicide? Ive thought about it once or twice or three times. But think about it.. god says we shouldn't kill / including ourselves, because if we do we go to hell! for eternity.. Id rather hang on the rest of my life an go to heaven for eternity. GOD IS OUT THERE, YOU JUST HAVE TOO LOOK FOR HIM

[DarrenSmith3214]

@juice12222 God is definitely "out there" sorta like believing the voices in your head is "out there" sorta like cutting off little girl's clits is "out there". Name one war that wasn't started due to religious beliefs. Now go "out there" and don't come back. Stop eating & drinking. God will surely take care of you. I promise. Do it! Or do you hate god? Haaa!

[juice12222]

@DarrenSmith3214 Well.. your a redneck.

[DarrenSmith3214]

@juice12222 OMG. Thank you for cheering me up. "A Redneck". Friggin wow! Such sophistication. I feel like I have been insulted by a zoo animal. You Rule. Keep praying. Its obviously really helping you!

[ericjarviscpa22]

@juice12222 When and where does God say you go to hell for eternity for suicide? Is this in the Bible or did he (God) tell you this personally?

[juice12222]

@ericjarviscpa22 Look i just expressed what i felt god... go protest somewere else kid

[DarrenSmith3214]

@juice12222 Sorry. But it seems like every time there is some kind of crisis or tragedy some religious dumbass has to stick their head into the mix and say "blah blah God blah blah Pray blah blah Faith blah blah". I live with actual autistic people. They are nice, but have character "glitches" that need to be worked around. Same with "The Jesus Idiots". They need to be treated like autistic children. They are not that smart & not that able. They're mostly harmless.

[juice12222]

@ericjarviscpa22 Its people like you that make this country look like shit. Dumb hippie 

[DarrenSmith3214]

@juice12222 "Dumb Hippie" So I am a Redneck & this other person you never met before is a hippie. "LOSING"