another ptsd/dissociative day

[LauraPuffyCloud]

i get it. i get it.... i hate it so much.

[smartass9216]

i can't image how ptsd is

[niseypooh1]

I hope you're doing better.

[xGothicloverx]

You said things that I have been going through ever since I've tried to confront my past and before then, but more so now..and I thought it was a breakthrough to get better but I'm getting angry all the time because I'm surrounded by reminders..hearing you talk is kind of relaxing. To know I'm not fucked up. To know we're not fucked up, we're just struggling inside...

[ohdeejay]

has anyone tried EMDR? I heard it's most effective in treating PTSD.

[justagurl23]

@ohdeejay it can help some people. i tried it a few times with a therapist who was a religious freak who just ended up triggering me more than i already was. i was terrified of her. my psychiatrist does it but would not recommend it for me (which she told me after i told her i had tried it)...i guess it just all depends on the person..

[SwingBeatnik]

I feel the same way... I hope therapy and perhaps pharmaceuticals help... hugs and love

[LaBellaa1984]

I have this too, but I don't know the reason. I am highly sensitive and things that are normal for other people are highly stressing for me, I have a lot of diagnosisses am finding out what it is with me..

[theunholywarrior]

better in the morning, im a mutli tour iraq vet, and the thing that fucked me up most in my head, was that all the killing i did didnt bother me at all....and most of that stems from all the hippies around me in college everyday telling me what they "know" about the world. stay strong girl.... as long as youre fighting youre still alive =)

[justagurl23]

@theunholywarrior funny...i say something similar to people when they feel like giving up..that as long as they are still breathing, there is hope. i'm doing better mostly since this video...thanks to dropping out of so much therapy...the mental health system made me feel worse with their attempts to help and then blaming me for not trying when i was, so i've been free from them for about two or so years now and it's awesome. but yeah..i still struggle..just not as bad.

[dreamr2x]

thank you for sharing , i am so glad you arebetter, i am living it now with other issues..... you helped me...:)

[theunholywarrior]

the best advice i have is to turn all the anger and fear into an offensive force.....psycologists try to tell folks all sortsa random deep internal shit that "are the reason" for youre stuff, but what worked for me was whenever i started getting depressed (i had/have severe depression issues that ive never taken meds for) i would just say fuck it, drive on, who cares, and after a while it went away for the most part, with occasional lapses, but the same attitude fixed it...and things are always

[03Srbija]

your so beautifull, it pains me that you carry the burdens i do i wish i knew you,

[fluke1973]

i feel for you, i really do! it sounds as if you are suffering with the same disorder as myself ptsd. its hard to deal with, but with time, therapy and treatment it does get better. hold in there, you will get better with the right treatment and support. xx

[cure2200]

your not alone

[movadoband]

You absolutely need someone to talk to and not try to fix you, talking and acting are the top two ways we free ourselves of negativity.

[justagurl23]

@movadoband this video was years ago. i have since been doing better and stopped all therapy. not that i don't still struggle with things...but since my eating disorder is under control, that helps a lot with things. still deal with triggers and all that..just not as bad as when i made this video. i was in therapy for about 10 or 11 years...so..i was actually trying..thanks.

[arty7777]

PTSD is a serious thing.

A friend of mine killed herself and I found her.

Since then I have had nightmares and cant sleep with the light on.

It is like starring in my own horror movie.

It is getting better slowly over time and I hold onto that.

Hold onto life kiddo you are not alone.

The thing is my friend....she had it too but it was too hard for her.

You are not alone...remember that please

[punkyrooster33]

thank you for this, I know EXACTLY how you feel... you are not alone.

[punkyrooster33]

thanks for this.... you are not alone

[finalfrce77]

Thanks

[finalfrce77]

Im 16 years old and ol my life i been having the same expereance that you have and i doesnt kno if its PTSD, Bipolar Disorder or DID, its just to hard, one day i star having two flashback since i was 5 or 6 years and i just can forget it.

Its difficult to me to accept reallity.

[justagurl23]

@finalfrce77 I wouldn't be so quick to put a label on yourself. That can make you crazier trying to figure out what it is. It sounds possibly like it could be PTSD since you mention flashbacks. Maybe you could find someone to talk to who could try to help you sort this out a bit better. Sometimes it just takes time..for me it did anyway....and not so much professional help..but there can be times where professional help is needed and can be of benefit.

[melloyelo54]

i had ptsd and i found yoga for depression helped. I found fasting helped build back my will power to do things too and helped my meditation. Yoga will help your moods too. yoga for depression is better than depression meds. U hang in there there are many others in the same situation as u. I had sleep problems and i read this book by mahesh chavda and it really helped me sleep without sleep tablets. look on amazon for yoga dvd on depression or you tube.

[123davton]

I am sorry but your video just broke my heart.Very touching video, I've been dealing with PTSD for 4 yrs There is help out there but its hard to find. If want to chat or email me plz do so

[steedojim]

I agree. A lot of PTSD and trauma recovery is about survival, coping. Learning ways of handling what has happened and realizing ways of accepting that is has happened but it doesn't own you. Although I didn't suffer and TBI or PTSD from it, I survived an IED explosion last deployment. A truck I was driving hit a roadside bomb. I do get kind of claustrophobic sometimes, especially when people I don't know crowd too close to me.

[steedojim]

You are very brave for being so young and yet willing to discuss something so sensitive in your video. I hope you are continuing to cope well.

I am in the Army and finishing my dgree in Psychology. After I finish my Master's, I plan on becoming and Army psychologist and work with soldiers and their familes who have PTSD and DID

[justagurl23]

@steedojim i think it's more true to say that a lot with PTSD survive...not really live. getting to the actual living part is hard.

[stusurf1]

@steedojim just remember all the army psycs are trained to do is asses if u are rigrt for the military or not.

[triptoheaveandho]

you are sucha beautiful girl i understand what you are talking about =i sure hope you can find the peace you need ...take care

[MsDezzyzRayz]

I am so sorry that you are so young and having to deal with this. May I ask you what happened? Do you have PTSD or is it something else. I am sorry but your video just broke my heart.

[justagurl23]

@MsDezzyzRayz yes. i have ptsd and dissociative episodes. not as bad as when this video was made, but still happens when i'm stressed or triggered. it is a result of witnessing family violence and being abused, not physically. still can't really mention it in vids. i tried..and just can't. but yeah..that and being sensitive doesn't help sometimes...random triggers suck too.

[juzblazejr]

your words echo my own struggle , i hope you find some happiness, lord knows you deserve it

[justagurl23]

@juzblazejr thanks. i'm not experiencing near as many episodes like this as i was. very thankful for that too. i hope you are able to get there one day too where things are less of a struggle.

[juzblazejr]

@justagurl23 thank you that gives me optimism, im tryin to re order my life now so hopefully wont be long till the sunshines again

all the best

[bluevamps66]

Maybe trying to pretend its not there is what is making it worse. I'm suppose to go see my therapist this morning, I wasn't going to go but I guess I will. So I guess I better go get ready. You are right

[bluevamps66]

Hi, You caught me and I know you guys are right. I posted in the PTSD Forum. I've been dealing with this for 15yrs. Well longer then that. That's just when I started being diagnosed with the PTSD then the C-PTSD. I think I had it earlier then 10yrs old. I had all the symptoms when I was 10. Unfortunately I cant remember anything before 10

[ledylanclair]

I cant wathc scary movies because it puts me in a state of intense fear again. My PTSD isnt as bad when i am with people, but if i am alone for the whole night then it usually keeps me up until 3 am. Its hard because I have school and stuff. Miss I hope you get better I really do. i hope that I get better and I hope the rest of you get better. Take care everyone and thank you.

[justagurl23]

@ledylanclair it def. is an ongoing struggle. even years after this video, i still struggle..not constant and not as bad..but it still surfaces and it's not easy no matter how much time has passed. one trigger can make it all come back, so it's still hard to face things i avoid because the potential is always there.

[ledylanclair]

@justagurl23 That is terrible. I have had it for a year so far, but you don't know how much this video has helped me. I feel better. I really hope you find a way to get over it though. :(

[ledylanclair]

I am in a weird way glad that i cam across this video because it has explained to me that I am not the only one who feels this EXACT way. You have given me a sense of peace, oddly enough, and I thank you for sharing your personal thoughts with me. I always feel that sense of impending doom. I feel like im going to be haunted by evil spirits or be posessed. I feel like im going to go crazy. im always thinking of the worst things that are going to happen in the future.

[bluevamps66]

I got your reply. I'm glad your doing better! I wish I could say the same for myself. Mine has only gotten worse. That's due to my situation for many years. I commend you for having the strength to talk about it. I bring it up now then but then feel very stupid about it. Then I try to ignore it. Have done that for years. Hoping it will just go away. If it were only that easy. I wish you the best of luck.

[justagurl23]

@bluevamps66 i don't talk a lot about it either now..i mean, well..i do still make videos, but i don't think i talk about things in depth like i maybe once did. i don't know. there is a lot i still can't make sense of when i'm struggling with symptoms or feelings. i try telling myself to ignore it too, but that doesn't work long term.

[justagurl23]

@bluevamps66 yes..i still have this account and still make videos. i've done better the last two years with symptoms. just when i get stressed or too anxious things can kind of get bad again, but not daily like it used to be...it's still hard when i have bad days...only because when it happens, it feels like it never left even though i might not experience it constantly like before. still feels the exact same.

[foxleyleon]

Im new to depersonalization/dissociative disorder. If anyone wants to talk bout their problems please feel free to contact me. ive been through shit and im pretty sure ive got things figured out.

[justagurl23]

@foxleyleon no offense, but if you are 'new' to it, how could you have it figured out? maybe i read that wrong..because even after spending most of my life with everything i have, i STILL don't have it figured out.

[foxleyleon]

@justagurl23 Simply put chemicals run our brain. not our intellectual abilities but our thoughts and feelings. I have Bipolar disorder and during manic and depressive stages i have time to invoke myself in deep thoughts. If you were to take an anti psychotic or a mood stabilizer such as valporic acid ull know what i mean. The world is fucked up and chronic anxiety and phobias and self alienation only makes these symptoms worse. there is no cure but im almost positive it can be alleviated.

[justagurl23]

@foxleyleon i take seroquel....but...it doesn't do anything except help me to sleep. i'm on 12.5 mg though, yes 12.5....i won't go any higher because i know what that can do..and way way higher is dangerous anyway. i think the world is what makes me crazy half the time, not necessarily myself or my mind. it's hard isolating because of how it makes me feel, but it's also a necessity at times to decrease further potential triggering..catch 22....

[foxleyleon]

@justagurl23 Seroquel wont do shit. Zoloft is better for this. careful with diabetes. Yes i do understand the world is fucked up (you couldn't imagine how much), however u are an attractive intelligible person whose opinion matters. regardless of this numb feeling of hopelessness it is necessary for one to go on. Perhaps it is better to indulge ourselves in our animal instincts than our psychological ones. if that makes any sense.

[justagurl23]

@foxleyleon no. i will never take another SSRI again in my life. i went through all of those years ago and they made me worse, or sick, or didn't do anything. i do not play around with meds and the only reason i take seroquel is because it hasn't physically made me sick like the rest and it helps me sleep. and ativan for anxiety. anything else is off limits. meds are evil.

[Andrew1848]

It's been almost 31 years since I was wounded by a terrorist in a non Combat situation, and I still have flashbacks. I am in a relationship now and it's been difficult to maintain a focus on her needs, but I am not giving up. I am 100% disabled so I can't work. I don't want to "Jump onto a McDonald's" and take any body out, but my mind-tends not to be my friend. The VA has thrown me into the cracks. And tells me just to wrap my feelings in a bag and throw it away... Best Wishes -Andi-

[justagurl23]

@Andrew1848 sorry. that really sucks. it's not easy trying to find a balance with things. i've gotten to a point where i try to stay busy..but it's not always something i can do. i've never been in a relationship. i think it would make things a bit harder for me..but i haven't gotten to the point where i have taken that chance. i still avoid certain things when i can. def. not easy.

[stusurf1]

@Andrew1848 my knees are fucked hope ican still walk properlysoon yeah same old story roken ag

[stusurf1]

life position?

[stusurf1]

yeah u can talk to me send me a message - something happend for u to feel like this and i hear shit all the time and i am crazy -drugs - u are a monster that is human life we suck by the way i think ur very pretty u are a very good looking girl -I was diadg with ptsd

[stusurf1]

this may sound stupid to u I found my mother slumped in a chair when I was 16 by myself I grabed her off the chair and put my mother on the ground and Im now 36 years old I ve been in the military as a east timor vet

[justagurl23]

@stusurf1 why would that sound stupid? different things happen to people to cause trauma. doesn't matter what it is. everyone reacts differently.

[saltyeggs71]

Exactly. My psychiatrist has me on all the meds and is sending me off for therapy. I was diagnosed bipolar and lithium helped with the terror each morning but I still feel like nothing is right. I don't function. I feel messed up and like something bad will happen. Now that my bipolar is treated I must get better with the therapist. I had many bad things happen to me and I really hope I can be put back together again. I am hopeful. I believe I am going to get better. I appreciate your posting.

[justagurl23]

that sounds like panic/anxiety to me..not necessarily bipolar related. i hope you can get things sorted out.

[ctrackmonger]

I don't have flash backs but I turned into a really aggressive person. The only way I find relief is by smoking weed. I do not want to down more chemicals. So I do it the natural way. But when I don't have anything to smoke and it is hard to find then I have hard times. I have punched holes in doors. Punched car windows out. And worst I punched others. But yet when I looked for help they said it was normal. I love to sit in the dark at home. And am an insomniac. Just can't sleep no dreams.

[justagurl23]

from what i hear, aggression with PTSD can be a normal reaction, not to say that it is 'normal' or okay though. have you ever tried melatonin for sleep? it is natural. might be worth a try.

[temujoe]

I smoke weed for it too. But when I didn't have any, or couldn't smoke because I had to go to work, I would punch a makeshift punching bag. It drains tention away quick =)

[justagurl23]

yeah but there has to come a time where you learn to deal with it without having to smoke weed..or in other cases, rely on meds too. if you always use those things, you'll never know how to cope without. granted, some ppl do truly need meds.

[temujoe]

Agreed, a crutch is a crutch.

[strangergirl]

You described everything so well.

They say I'm still dealing with it (after a traumatic event this summer,) but I feel okay. I'm happier than I was before it happened and I can finally sleep some nights. And, although I don't usually leave the house, I am forced to because of college.

They say it's going to get worse. It was pretty bad before. Horrible.

Will it get to that point again? I'm so scared. I can't do it.

Please and thanks.

[justagurl23]

everyone is different with their symptoms..with how severe they are, if they come and go or stay constant, etc. for me now, mine come and go and aren't constant..but if you are doing ok, maybe you will stay ok..or maybe you will struggle once in a while. don't listen to what anyone else says because you are the one living it.

[lisaJay20]

This might sound stupid but I've had PTSD for 5 years does it get any better? Let up? i'm about to start sessions with my 6th thearapist because my nightmares are scaring me to death. I really hate it sometimes. Theres not one day that goes by where i don't think about it. And it seems like forever

[justagurl23]

it does get better, yes. there will still be things that trigger you, but you can get to a point where it can be better..maybe not 100%, but it can get better. i don't do the best, but am better than i was in this video, and still do get triggered and deal with stuff, but having hope helps and remembering what you want for yourself and out of life.

[lisaJay20]

When you said about being alone and it feels like a monster in your head, I can kinda relate to. Its like i'm my own worst enemy, its worse when i am alone but sometimes i want to be alone. I feel repeatitive as well cause i always talk about it that i think people get annoyed cause its like i'm stuck in time and i can't get over it. I always feel like something follows me wherever i move, like something is out to get me. I've never spoken to someone who also has ptsd.

[justagurl23]

it's been 3 years since this video, and i'm dong a bit better..well, a lot. but like i said, i still do struggle at times and things come out of nowhere, or stress triggers things, but it's not as bad as before.

[lisaJay20]

i'm glad its a little better. Its a rollercoster i guess.

[cupcakesnthesun]

Plz check out W.I.I.T (womans institute for incorporational therapy) Hollywood Florida

[salvatorebalarmo]

I have similar experiences, I understand that there was serious abuse in my childhood and I feel I have attracted violence into my adult life. I can make little sense of what goes on in my head but recognize the madness of my PTSD. After spending tens of thousands of $'s on many therapists and treatments, living with an expert on mental health; I can see clearly that the professionals who work in mental health have no idea what this is like or how to treat it.

[justagurl23]

it is common to live in similar patterns in your adult life..even without intending to. yeah..it is hard to understand the trauma stuff even though you live it.

[HigherGlobal]

You are so right regarding the professionals, I do not mean them any disrespect but they have been unable to help. It's one thing to study these things in exams for application to strangers but another to experience it!

[HigherGlobal]

(WASN'T ALLOWED TO POST IN ONE GO)

I just started a blog and hope that, with descriptive accounts, people can actually imagine it. I hope that others will explain their experiences of hurt & also recovery/dealing methods. I think that this is the age of finding the answers within ourselves. I hope we could do it collectively.

[Allaxxiana]

i feel for u and i have the same thing its a constant battle 24/7 u never take a break from it, its always a battle inside ur head, battle to gain control, and not let it control u. I feel for u, i have it too don't worry, its repressed memories of childhood abuse of something that ur memory is shielding u from u need to open ur mind and find out, get theraby get the memories out. and figuer out whats wrong with u. u can do it, UR STRONG,. DONT LET THE PEOPLE WHO TOOK FROM U, TAKE MORE.

[justagurl23]

this video was 3 years ago and i've gone through a lot of therapy...useless therapy. there is a lot i will never remember so i'll never be able to know all of what might trigger me or why i might react in certain ways.

[Allaxxiana]

@justagurl23 u might find out, if some things trigger u, but in the mean time just try ur hardest to remember anything that seems familiar to u talk about it.

[justagurl23]

yeah. i tried for years but you can't force yourself to remember.

[Allaxxiana]

if u wanna be free u have to remember

[Totothemonkey]

Thank you for your honesty, and making this video it must have been hard... praying for you!

[kellswalter]

I have been PTSD since 13/ 14 yrs old. But wasn't diagnosed until last year at the age of 29. Now on medication and therapy, I feel they maybe light at the end of the tunnel.

[sowhatnowhu]

call me im an iraq combat vet with ptsd my number is 423 333 7294

[Jesusismyfriend2006]

Yes. Anything extremely traumatic that happens to a child can cause that disorder, as far as my understanding goes. Many children who undergo various forms of abuse use dissacociation as a way of escaping or forgetting the pain. Apparently everyone does it to some extent. Some just go through very traumatic events and it happens to a larger extreme.

[Waltham1892]

Perhaps the worst thing to happen to individuals with Axis II disorders was the invention of the internet. These people, who are driven to seek attention, now have the prefect venue to receive unconditional positive regard for nothing more than perfecting their symptoms. And, they are aided by well meaning but misguided individuals who confuse sympathy with empathy...

[justagurl23]

Perhaps the worst thing to happen is people like you who cannot seem to see that people like me don't want attention. Perhaps you are more blind than you thought because you obviously have never gone through something like this and base your opinion on pure speculation. Open your eyes and your mind. Not everyone is attention-seeking. I really pity you for thinking that way.

[autarkus]

You do not know ashley, you do not know her history or her situation: and Perhaps the worst thing to happen to people with issues (or disorders of any axis) is semi-educated self-righteous children who think making an asinine comment helps in any way, shape or form.

[krystasmommy]

i know exactly what you're saying.... it's so unreal... just listening to you makes me wish i could hug you ... u are strong! you can do this! i'd love to talk to you more... i don't share a lot of my feelings with ppl cause i'm scared

[SBFKLICK]

i just heard of this disorder. My wife told me about it and i did some research it makes me want to cry. I hate what i go through all day every day just feeling out of myself and loosing everything. Im scared for my self. i cant hold a job i cant do anything right. I want to see a physician about it but i feel embarrassed like no one would believe me. Any advice or a road i should take.

[hmcontractservices]

I don't understand what the hell you people are talking about. I was in Iraq, in the infantry. I saw some ridiculous shit but how in the hell can anybody claim to have these many problems? I was diagnosed with PTSD because I was hypervigilent when I got back. I now know for sure that I do not have PTSD because all of you people in your self serving wisdom say shit like "hold on". Hold on to what? It's not like she is in constant danger everyday. To overcome PTSD is to realize this.

[justagurl23]

Just because a person doesn't go over to a war doesn't mean they haven't gone through other trauma that causes PTSD. I think it's pretty harsh for you to even say something like that when you don't know my history or anyone else's for that matter. Human minds are complex and what bothers one person may not bother another. PTSD symptoms also vary in each person as well as other underying conditions that may look similar.

[theCosmicQueen]

dude. if you had been a child in that war, watching the horrors of war totally unprepared, not a HARDENED US SOLDIER, your ptsd would be far worse and far more insidious and harder to overcome, so shut up and grow a heart, idiot.

[hmcontractservices]

Well that's exactly the point. If I had been a child in Iraq obviously my situation would have affected me dramatically more than it did. However the fact still stands that as a child soldier I would have been "in constant danger everyday". Humans are psychologically able to overcome all adversity. In my experience those who claim to be afflicted with PTSD in the Army were individuals who already had parasitic and problematic personalities. I'm not heartless, I'm only thinking pragmatically.

[justagurl23]

you do realize part of having PTSD IS feeling like you are in danger regardless if you are or aren't? like the person above said if you were a child who went through trauma (war, abuse, whatever) it would be different..as is the case with me. mine developed years and years ago so it's all i've known.

[Bhilithinn]

Excuse me? Parasitic personalities? Just who are you shifting the blame to here, because it sounds as if you fall into the "blame the victim" camp.

The reasons why an individual experiences PTSD following one or several traumatic incidents (including rape, abuse, risk of life) are extremely complex. But one factor can be how much support a person had following a traumatic incident.

Please do some research before dismissing other people's experiences.

[justagurl23]

thank you. i never thought about the support after trauma as having a factor if the ongoing development and struggle with it. the fact that i went through many experiences is probably another reason i still struggle with a lot of it. i am also sure my mind was not 'parasitic' before it all started because i was a mere 4 or 5 years old.

[dieper2dieper]

kinda hard to see a beautifull person having troubles.

so dissociation is related to ptsd ?

seeing this is an older vid,

i wonder how she's doing today ?

at least i can find some solace myself in the fact we all suffer from mental problems

in a way.

even seemingly very succesfull people

often are in deep shit.

this person have the gut's to talk about it and makes me think she's at least on

the right road.

[ricksshots]

I feel the same way you do every day

[thitchin]

ps - I have found that after 18 yrs of suffering (and counting) opening up and talking about it can help. Also for me it is hydration (our minds are ALWAYs ON, cool it down with good nutrition, to the extent you can these days), rest, music in the ipod, and compassion - first for yourself.

[jonkfree]

Thanks for describing. I was just diagnosed with dissociation and it's been ten years. I had no clue what it was. I thought it was aspergers or add for years. It seems to be very similar to what you are experiencing. The cerequil didn't work for me either. It made me very on edge and I felt like doing jumping jacks. Have you tried cognitive therapy? Helps for me.

[Guitarstring187]

medition helped me so much

[mirrorofmanyfaces]

JustaGirl, Hun hold on tight babe and know that there are people like you out their.

[1disorder]

This is awesome. I was wondering if you hear voices, have hallucinations or have nightmares, flashbacks, as I do.

I am also looking for a good book on this

\information, if you can share. Thanks

and look forward to hearing from you.

Smoochy

[anon3415]

I also suffer from dissociation, depersonialization and PTSD. Each day gets better. That's how I look at it, each day I'm crossing of my calendar I know I'm getting better the next day.

[jesusfreakmusic]

*gets some weird idea's of: 'aww, Robs wants to hug you'*

I got ptsd aswell....

But I don't feel like that cause of PTSD actually...

[margittarget]

I think the thing that constitutes a flashback (in my experience) is not like a visual image in your head, so much as just a feeling. It's the feeling of panic and misery, and that feeling of no escape. It's hell. It's scary.

[natty888]

I'm in awe at how beautifully you express yourself. Please don't take that the wrong way. Its just the image you paint...I can relate a lot.

What was the name and author of the book you read?

Thank you for this. I really hope things have gotten better for you.

[xoxAngelFirexox]

Wow you look a lot better now than you do in this video, just thought I'd say that! I'm watching back on some of them in the past and it's just so different.

I'm really happy that you're handling everything so well. Congrads with everything!

[RJMacCready]

and thanks for making these diary videos, it makes me feel comforted to know there is someone else suffering the same way as me (I know its small consolation, seeing as we're young and supposed to be out enjoying our lives). You seem like a very sweet, sensitive, intelligent person, which makes me believe more that we are strong people for having this terrible burden.

[RJMacCready]

I want you to know I do know know what it's like.  I have had it for 13 years and the worse part is the loneliness and not being able to connect with people which makes me so depressed. It is like being stuck in a waking nightmare the whole time. I have seen psychs, doctors, pyshcologists, counsellors, had group therapy sessions and I'm still the same way. We must hope to find a way to get better. I know I am determined not to lose any more years from this.

[permaculturedesigner]

I DO know what you are going through, I have PTSD as a result of systematic torture as a child. You need to know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Probably one of the best things for you is to find a group therapy situation for PTSD. I am a lot older than you and have been dealing with this my whole life. It is about managing it. You might also try primal scream therapy. It helps.

[lunigal]

I think you are very Brave and very generous to Share this way. If any one view this and has a negative comment, I believe they are in denial. This is NOT an advise video. It is Her therapy, RESPECT the HUMAN. Respect the Disorder. Advise, OK. What hbangerb wrote is the bottom line in my experience.... but what if her book has not come to a close yet...and she is still going thru the thing, the experience that causes PTSD.. in other words...does the word POST apply.. assuming it is OVER?

[Ishness27]

i have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

[Mirthless79]

the "monster" is probly your fear. Just remember whats reality and whats not....like you may think of doing something mad but in reality you know your not capable. Most people think like that.

[nOobhawb]

I'm working on the same kinds of stuff now...and you couldn't have explained it better. I'm in anorexia recovery too... I guess I just wanted to say you are not alone. I know how horrible it is. My therapist is doing EMDR with me now.

[arthurpoet]

you are courageous to speak and share your world, with the world, and you are not alone,

[natemya]

Hello

You are certainly NOT crazy. I know how difficult it can be sometimes, and I also know how sometimes it can be difficult to get help from someone who GETS this stuff (trauma and dissociative disorders). I am finally getting the right help and I wish the same for you. Please keep trying and hoping.

[ethanfromlondon]

Good luck with helping yourself.

Even on the real low days. Your never alone.

[777divine]

However, I am so glad- that the light of life in your eyes never has faded.

The journeys into the self- are the most difficult we take. You- have already climbed mountains very few could ever climb, Ashley.

You just may be the light at tunnel's end- for hundreds of people.

God bless you.

-James.

[xXxYoDaXxX]

i wonder how many of these people here claiming to know what it feels like to have PTSD have actually been diagnosed with it,and are not bulshitting themselves and others for attention?

[boomslang5]

thank you. thank you. thank. you. thank you. thank you. Its is so nice to she a real live person talking about what I have too.

[justagurl23]

your welcome.

[xXprincessXxAlixX]

huni i have alot of pain too everyone deals with there pain differently but you really have to realise that you are feeling this way because your feeling sorry for myself.. sometimes i do that too i will hear a sad song then recall everything ive gone through..

and i harm myself..

but always remember after you cry yourself to sleep when you wake up the sun brings a new day, i hope you are on meds and maybe meditation can help you.

[calluknet]

I went through all the bad symptoms in 1994. You are in an ocean and fighting the fact that you might get swallowed up. You need to tred water first, you will start by coping with this part and when you are better you will start to swim again. Post as many videos, talk to as many good people and start fighting back. It will be worth it I promise!!!

[calluknet]

You said you can't talk about it or find words to help describe. The truth is you can, I understand as I been through a number of things. You can and will get better!!!

[ptsd1956]

Try to keep busy, and keep away from known triggers for flashbacks, respect yourself and take care.

all the best

[oppositronic]

i'm fairly lucky mental health wise, considering, still tho, i gotta say it's really useful to have someone to talk to, like a human being (yt is good 2), like a counselor or....jeez you already know this

[littlerockguey]

Hey justagurl23 ... I posted a response on my blog at myposttraumaticlife[dot]blogsp­ot[dot]com

For me, dealing with PTSD took me down a similar road. Ultimately, I had to experience -- in a very real, scary and lonely way -- the anger I had deep in my mind in order to release it. Otherwise, I was numb to the world ... in a fog without direction.... more on my blog ...

[cheekyleopard]

Wow, that sounds exactually what im going through.

It sure is hard!

[fwpz90]

Hey Sweety

I don't know what you went through.But my bf and I were held up and we were both shot. He lost his life and I'm left behind. I know how you feel. It's really really difficult. I wish I had died. But you know what life goes on and we have to help ourselves heal!

I hope you can get through this. I don't want to talk to a therapist either. You have to change your thought patterns. It will take a long time but you have to work at it.

[blackpimp4u]

I could give you a BIG loving hug, and it will all go away. Then we could go shopping and get you a little kitty, whom you could love and hug all day long. Think and grow well! It can happen. It's up to you. Let's start with a hug, and it's all downhill from there.

[Backin65]

May god Bless you Gurl123.

[stormtiger39]

i know how you are feeling.sometimes simple things set me off.i freak out when i ride in my wifes car fearing we might hit a ied or a carbomb.please stay strong girl,i served in iraq.i,m rooting for you.

[solitaryman56]

im a vietnam vet 100% disabled for PTSD learning about it is scary even after all these years of groups and meetings and living alone with it and trying just to get through one day to the next. i live alone and hidden out in a very rural area and it just never goes away for me

[odinfour]

I have suffered from ptsd for the last 2 years.I wasn't medicated in time so it evolved,but now iam feeling much better and feel that it's going to end soon.Hang in there ;)

[TageKaliandrino]

I can kind of relate to what you are going through. For me it is colours that can bring the icky scary feelings on. Often I only go places if I have to and even then, if I see a certain colour, that is the same as an object (like a jade green comb for example) from my very young childhood, it can cause me to feel as though the walls are closing in on me, even if I am outside. Big hugs to you, you are very brave.

[Peterbiltkid]

Hi, I thought that I was the only person on the planet who felt what you have described, clearly I'm not the only one, thank you for your courage...

[supanovasurvivor]

I wanted to just hug-you & maybe tell-you that whatever it was your-kicking yourself over your-probably already forgiven! & If-your a rape victim then I'd-suggest two-things! First! (Ay! I'd-been raped-serially since-childhood & got 'PTS' myself!) Get-into 'Tai-Chi' & Hatha-Yoga! After a couple-months take-up "SHOTOKAN-KARATE!" & Don't-dare stop till-you get your-black! (After-which you'll keep-going anyway) Or-do "WING-CHUN!" See-Ya! Your-pretty!

[anesthetic890]

Watching this almost makes me cry because I know how scary and hard dissociation is to experience.

[raeyo]

it WILL stop. you have to stare it in the fucking face. who are you? ask yourself that. who are YOU? the medication your taking? the psychiatrists? the therapists? the food you eat? your pain? the monster in your head? is that YOU? fight it. face your fears. it is the HARDEST thing you will EVER do but its the only way it will ever stop.

[livia333]

thank you for being so brave and shraring this. it help a lot to have it put into words.

[tunachunks]

Good luck and take care.I think im suffering from the same thing.

[chad410]

trying to explain something that to others isn t there makes me feel sad.The intensity it holds over you and the doctors not understanding.I hear you.I get sad when I can t get understood.I know how you feel.I get scared of what happened once when I lost it.But Im never right.good luck.

[nayomee77]

Hope u feel better soon..or hope ur feeling better now. *hugs*

[Marihani]

It really does sound scary. Thank you for trying to put it into words. HUGS!

[bmuseful]

hey darling sending you so much love and well thoughts and energies

[youpenga]

Thankyou for your honesty. You are an amazing woman and hate that you are plagued by so much sadness. Much love and hugs.xxxx

[youpenga]

Hey hun, sorry that your not feeling so good! Thinking of you and hoping that your feeling better! Also hope that your uncle is doing ok, sorry to hear what happened the other day! Take care and stay strong.xxxxx

[adventureindustries]

I think you kind of have to face it. I mean, face it a little, in some safe way. Just a little. But once you can face it, you can stop fearing it. Remember, courage is not the absence of fear. It is acting despite fear.

But I am no doctor and could be totally wrong. :)

I suspect that you are going to be a very strong, very successful (and, of course, very hot) woman in ten years because of the things you are facing now. Be brave!

[leonajulia]

hey ash, i hope this passes soon! my thoughts are with you <3 -leona

[scobay32]

To me you are beautiful, your pain, whats going on behind your eyes is beautiful.

[OldDude25]

You are right, None of know exactly what you are going thru, but we are here to help you the best we can from one end of this web page to your end without being there in person. Just do all you can to stay strong and hold on, We will help all we can, but we are not mental health care professionals. Just folk who care!

[stillseaking]

When you are told to think positively, Do they give you specifics? "I am not alone" (how many E-mails did you say you received?) and "I love myself" are a couple of my favorites... Hang in there, many care about you.

[jaminnh]

Yeah, you're not alone!

[CatchFlipsidE]

I'm really sorry, Ashley.  I wish there was something I could do to help. I really do.

[dautube]

damn I love your videos, I love them.

your my cocain, your my dealer, I'm such a addict to your videos, keep posting them :)

I love you.

I feel for you, now I know someone else is hurting the same as me :)

understand, you'll probly always feel like this, am 29 and ye, still...

[repulsest]

Hope the books help. And I think I speak for most of your subscribers.. We wish we could be there with you, in person, for you to talk too. We really do.... *HUGS* From Kieren.

[autarkus]

I'm sorry i only know you online,

i'm sorry i;m so far away, and cant stay up and talk with the time difference.

even though its the 'net, your not alone.

[johnb2003]

We can not know how bad or hurt you feel Ashley I for one feel so helpess that I can not help you as I live so far away I wish there was some one nare you that would help you. Take care sweet Ashley

[Andoran1400]

You've been under ALOT of stress, with this center you want to go to, and your uncle's health. No one realy knows how someone else feels or how they think, becuase we're all individual. One thing that has helped me though was both listening to music. It was the only thing that I could realy identify with for a long time. Seeing other people relating to the "message" behind the song helped me feel not so alienated. The past is exactly that, and all we have is today.

[garyluv]

gary luv's you.

[HbKaKe]

Gahh the more I see these videos the more my stomach feels icky. I can see the sad. I know how you feel and I can't handle that someone else is feeling that. I wish I could tell you it will be okay, but people tell me that and it turns out to be lies.

[WideGauge]

Thanks for letting us know. You're right, I don't know how it is but it sounds really rough. Wish there was someone close by you could turn to. It's kinda hard to watch this and just feel helpless. Consider yourself hugged. I'll keep you in my prayers and keep watching your channel. Peace. =)

[PGHMEDIA]

You are in our hearts and minds. We will prey for you and your uncle. Hope all turns out well. Take Care.

[y1ink]

Hey the sun will start to shine in your days soon.

[drcoz]

Hugs.

[cateyesTV]

***HUGZZZ***

[whitec1981]

Sounds like a real tough day today. Know you're close to my heart...I wish I lived closer!! Keep hanging in there, even if it is only by a thread. hugs, Cary