My Difficult Past

[hulugal]

my mum was also schizophrenic. i felt so alone for the years i lived in her home. she still doesn't think she is sick. i had to learn what reality was and how people actually live once i went to college. tough life, i know... my peace came from my faith in Jesus. i am glad you're open about living with a mentally ill mum. i hope you find peace, also. take care.

[GEETOME]

wow --you lay bare your soul  to us - you are strong person and articulate

[putzmeister1000]

Your story made me cry. I hope and wish I have friends like you. Maybe when I will emigrate to Canada. In this life...

[mastereyeball]

wonderful commentary chickadee:) i feel like i can relate to you on many things. thank you for being so open:)

[sazji]

So much of our lives pass desiring the approval of others - parents, friends, society. But though it sounds cliche, they can never tell us who we are; that is something we have to find and accept ourselves. There are so many sources of baggage; even if some do accept us it's no help if we are still holding onto the feelings of rejection and not letting our own souls define us first. Keep looking in to that part of you that knows perfectly well who you are, the part that nobody can touch.

[anhelou]

Hi i,m not that much incomputer stuff neither that english is my spoken language. More an more that i'm listening to your commentary, they are so fullof truth. I mean full of you. Your way to be so reel and honnest is realy inspiring.I,m so deceided to be be so poor with all those computer because i would like to have deeper meaningfull chat with you. Anyway continu to be so true you are a life lesson

[baiNEKO]

Hi, What camera did you use for this video ?? Thanks! ;)

[TrannyGirl15]

For this video, just a laptop webcam. For the newer videos, Flip Mino HD.

[photomad97]

I think you are very inspiring. Also my best friend or my role model, bryan hes gay. But i love him to bits!!! And i dont think it should mater to other people what you are i think it matters when you feel how you want to feel! -Mady

[ruithael]

Sorry, another comment. It seems too important to you that your mother accept this thing she won't. Your life seems to be way too affected by this. She's made her choice and you do not have to reason with her. You might have the possibility of a meaningful relationship with her if you let her make her choice. In the long run It may have more of a positive effect than pushing her. I speak from experience. You might actually live better if you let it go. Live and let live. Seriously.

[ruithael]

A clinical schizo would have a very hard to impossible time defining and communicating these things in the way you have. That's something most people don't understand when they define peoples' behavior as "crazy." Different is not crazy. It is important that people learn to understand what it means for a person to be in a different paradigm. These issues are a matter of perspective, and transsexuality is not odd, or strange, when compared to the rest of the natural world. It sort of fits in.

[pshakenbake]

@ruithael Actually, not all people living with schiophrenia have formal thought disorder, many people may just experience other symptoms without disordered thought, therefore will be able to define and communicate things very well! You make a fair point about perspective, now let me make my point that terms like 'crazy' and 'schizo' are derogatory and just increase stigma for people with the lived experience of mental illness.

[ruithael]

I lived a lot like this. Unlike you, I never paid much attention to what parental roles I did or did not have, but how much I was allowed to "live." I find that although I had a terrible situation with my mother (who took her illnesses out on me since I was born,) I was still happy when I was a kid as long as I could experience cool things. I am more unhappy now. It seems that adulthood is modern man's excuse for destroying the humanity in people by cutting away the "unacceptable."

[YoSoySatanas]

You will be healed...

[kakafrost]

you are so white and cute.

[marthawhitehouse]

Your mother is ill. It is not her fault that she doesn't believe that she is mentally ill. This is a symptom of her illness. The mind can't think clearly when the brain is the organ affected by the illness. Her illness was obviously very hard on you and I understand your feelings. But you must understand that your mother's illness doesn't define you. You must do that yourself.

[YaelGalitFischer]

In many different ways, I have lived through many situations you mentioned! You are a winner!! Go for your dreams girl! Love, yael

[milesdux]

Honestly, you have been through a lot. However, you have to know that we all question our decisions all the time. The "What if..." will always haunt every one of us. You have to get past that and think more of the positives from this. I am sure that you being there really helped your mother from going over the edge completely. Yes, it caused you some pain, but it could have been much worse. I am glad that you stayed with her. You are pretty strong, and I hope you keep it together.

[ceecee8888]

I'm not a transsexual or anything, but I think anyone who can speak about their traumatic childhood as you have is a courageous person to learn from

[ceecee8888]

wow, you're so inspiring. just the way you transformed yourself so completely. you are such a lovely woman - it is hard for me to believe that you were ever a man. you inspire everyone who wants to make any kind of change in their life. your honesty is refreshing. I wish you the best.

[grant658]

im sorry but that painting behind you is really messed up and its distracting. but anyway im amazed at how well you turned out after going through all that

[IChoseTheRedPill]

i admire you...

[fashionmanson]

i'm 23, doing well at uni, gonna begin masters after summer, probably the youngest spinster w two cats i know. i m single because i just cant trust people. i'm the major of social-retard-land , i begin to realise i am wasting my life away, this is not how i wanted things to be! any suggestions?

[TrannyGirl15]

Stop believing in spirits, go out more, work on making friends... Find a purpose for your life, work on achieving that purpose.

If you find this all seems very unobvious, a good therapist may be able to help you get there.

[fashionmanson]

Spirits used to talk to me when i was little, and i didnt know they were spirits and everybody at school bullied me for having imaginary friends and i'd say really bad things which came from no where, i'd tell my mom and she said:"Snap out of it". was bullied from 1st to 6th grade didnt have many friends, i still cant trust people.

[fashionmanson]

All i could remember about my mom is her yelling. til this day the only dreams i have of her is her yelling at me, when i was little, i always dreamt of pushing her and my brother of a cliff, or stabbing them. i dont know why, but i tried to stay as far away as possible from them when i am awake, just in case. now i live alone but still have nightmare of my mom screaming. i nvr really understood why, but i think she is bipolar.

[IWorshipGayMensFeet]

what did you look like as a man? you look great as a women? what's your name?

[kafrikios]

guitar hero shirt yea

[Loudensll]

Well hey, I dont mean to sound like a jerk but I am real and say what I think without blowin smoke up your ass. If you had a father either he would have influenced you to me a masculine person or if its what is truly in you. Then he would have beat you for your feminine behavior thats the truth take it or leave it. So if your happy like you are don't worry about the father part you might have been better off.

[TrannyGirl15]

It turns out my father also wanted to be a woman.

[Loudensll]

WHHHHHAAAAAAATTTTTTTT! I didn't see that one coming

[grant658]

im sorry if you take offense to this but i think the fact that your dad wasnt around when you were a child is a big part of the reason why you are how you are now. Im a crossdresser and my dad wasnt around as a kid hardly and i dont see him much now. and really one of the top reasons for crossdressing and other sexual issues are caused by a lack of a father figure when your a child.

[bellitakari]

that's not true, I had both of my parents, and i only have brothers, soo

[grant658]

I never said thats why all people like us are different, im just saying that can be a big reason why it happens.

[shadowfairspg]

this is incorrect info, darling. i'm sorry that you believe that because your daddy wasnt around that it is the reason you crossdress, grant658. people who come from excellent families can be gay, a crossdressers, transgendered, etc and people who have have had negative childhoods can be perfectly normal in those areas. if someone has taught you that you are a crossdresser because of anything like this i am truly sorry. while some things are environmental others are just inborn.

[crazymisterbig]

Transsexuality has nothing to do with whether a parent is present or not. I was never really close to my father, nor was my brother, yet, my brother is not a transsexual and I am (female-to-male.)

[amygurl63]

Hi, what you did showed a great deal of courage and to vent the past is a very upsetting experience but can basically release you, too. I truly wish you all the best for the future and hope that your life, from this day forth, will bring you so much happiness. You truly deserve it!

[LookingGlassThecure]

I feel i can relate. I being born female..Always felt different..Not qiute like the other girls..I have an older brother.and felt like boys had it better..Being a female I felt like my brother or other men were looked up to and more important.. My parent divorced when i was 4..I only received a visit from my father 2 or 4 times..

My mom was diagnosed with schizophrenia also when I was very young..she would snap moods and have crazy ideas..It was very hard for me..

[TiradeFaction]

From what I've read, people who grow up with schizophrenic parent(s) are at high risk of developing paranoid personality disorders. That might be the root of your trust issues.

[TrannyGirl15]

I think being unable to trust my own mother, emotionally speaking, is at the root of my trust issues.

[TiradeFaction]

I agree, which was obviously a result of her schizophrenia :).

[TransexualTriumphs]

well I have a dad but my mom died years and I've had people think that, you know, I'm trans cause she died. . .and here you are

having people think you're trans because your dad died. . bascially, anyone dies--parent--relative? dog? And THAT"s why someone's trans? ugh, people explain away anything they don't want to understand! Sounds like maybe denial is something that schizophrenia and transexuality have in common.--well I gotta say this is by far the longest youtube I've seen yet! :

[Crazypigmonkey]

Wheres your accent from? It really doesnt sound Canadian....just wondering..

[TrannyGirl15]

French-Canadian.

[sarahsway]

booo for not knowing there is an entire french-speaking province in Canada... QUEBEC.

[matti6799999]

your experinces in life are nearly the same as mine. My father died and my mother suffers from the same illness as yours.... almost all the things you speak about happened to me excatly the way you described them, everything except transgender stuff but I've had difficulties with my sexuality.

I can really relate to what you're saying, its like listening to myself. We have lived nearly the same lives.

Never give up mate! All the best to you!

X

[houstonmommy2]

my heart goes out to you,you have me in tears,alot of what you went threw i can relate! the poorness,school,clothes,used things,ad i was addopted.i wish you the best in life,and GOD has a special place for ppl like us,and threw time i gets better,your such a wonderful person inside and out,i never met you and i hear it in your voice and see it in your eyes.god bless and take care!!!!

[SarahunBottled]

i love this vid becuase you are so honest

also your shirt was so distraction lol i was like are u holding a guitar lol O.o

[shotgun7]

Wow,I don't know how you got through the making of that video without breaking down and crying. I had to pause it several times because it hit a little to close to home for me and caused me to become very emotional. I hope venting about it made you feel better. I never used to cry, but now sometimes I can't help it. I've found it to be a form of self-therapy.

Thanks for sharing your story with us, I know it was not easy.

[JulieADriver]

I had things pretty rough during my childhood, too, despite having two loving parents.

I led a very sheltered life, which inhibited my social development- something which still affects me to this day.

It's also very challenging living with a family member who is mentally ill. They need someone to love them, like anyone else. And from how you handled things with your mother, she certainly has someone who loves her.

[torontoteddy62]

Happy new year.

[shastab24]

My uncle has schizophrenia, so I can understand knowing that you have such family history. While I would never know the hardships of being raised by someone with the disease, I do know how it can affect a family.

One of the most annoying things is the fact that schizophrenia is confused with multiple personalities. They are not even similar.

[MrAgmoore]

Psychology is a relatively late social science: 1850's onwards. Wiki describes the word schizophrenia as meaning "split-mind". Imagine being a Psychologist, trying to figure out why someone was calm one minute, then verbally aggressive the next - it would seem like a split personality. Today "multiple personality disorder" is separate from "schizophrenia" but back in the day, it would not be surprising if they were lumped together.

[GenieP]

Yes, you are right. We are trans because that is how we were born. We are not trans because of behavior.  Our condition originates in the fetal stage. You are strong in dealing with your Mom's condition, but remember that your Mom is ill and needs you. Don't be too angry...your Mom is ill. The positive side is that there is treatment for the condition. Hang in there, girl. You're amazing!

[GenieP]

Yes, girl, I hear you and clearly your past was horrible. My stepfather molested me when I was an adolescent and so home was never a safe place for me. My teens years were the worst time of my life. I, too, had no friends and felt all alone in the world. But you are young and come overcome all of the bad stuff and find your core happiness. Bless you for sharing.

[elwarete]

It has been really difficult for you...

*HUG* T_T

[shawncg1]

I have spent a lot of time thinking about my "cold"(as described by others)logical nature and in the end I can't wish I didn't have it. I think it was a key factor in my survival, ability to cope, to maintain self confidence, and to function in this world with the challenge of being trans. I think it will prevent me from ever "fitting in" but at the same time it will help me live a full life despite that fact. As always thank you for sharing your thoughts and stories-they certainly help me.

[AntipodalBrink]

I definitely relate to what you went through with having little positive masculine presence and living under a pragmatic, but otherwise disturbed mother.

People tend to be genuinely puzzled at how "cold" and rational I can be. This, of course, only extends the difficult trust gap. I tend to unconsciously think to myself, "If this person doesn't have a clue about me or isn't open to a world of possibilities that could have shaped who I am, how can I hope to trust them."

[Mc8v36]

this is the most REAL feelings I heard during all my holiday season. That should be hard for you, but thanks for post it!!

[tobyr3]

Thanks for sharing this aspect of your life. I hope it helps others cope. I admire your seriousness and analytical qualities. Though this might have come from the way you coped it has left you with qualities that sets you ahead of many others. Wishing you a very productive 2009.

[GirlsOfGlory]

Did this strike a chord!Parents divorced at 5.Brought up with with mom/brother,not schizophrenic,but a "weekend" depressive-alchoholic(total Jekyl/Hyde persona change,repetitve rants.Tried to help her myself like beating a dead -horse.Married the exact situation later in life(the pastcomfort/familiar syndrome).Glad your able to be objective about your situation.I also want to point out that we've also grown up with little exposure to witnessing physical intimacy,surely affected my relationships.

[Bethhappy]

Beth here. I am a MTF and your videos have helped me so much. I see a person the that risen from the ashes, so to speak. I am sorry about your mother.  Take care and hugs

[dizyrache]

thankyou for sharing that hunni!! hugsxxx

[roseblossoms00]

omg wow my dad was had that also and he was physically violent it was hard i was the one who called the police and protected my mom

[MasterStorm]

Thanks for sharing sweetie! *virtual hugs*

[SummerBreeze2009]

...... You have lived through so many emotional ups and downs, I can also understand about living with relatives with mental illness.

At the time I was to young and did not now how to help them, only just that I loved the person with it and tried the best I could when confronted with their behavior.

As I got older I was able to help support them by participating in their therapy sessions and eventually I was able to have a good relationship.

[SummerBreeze2009]

....... Here's hoping 2009 will find peace and happiness for you and for all who read this.

[killerrodan]

Thanks for sharing your story.Sorry about your mother.