Punishment & Revenge in Borderline Personality Disorder

[JasonCaesare]

The problem is that they often get so fixated that even when they are aware that what they are doing has nothing to do with the person they are doing it to, they can't quit until they have accomplished what makes them feel satisfied. Sorry, but I still can't get over how selfish that is. I can't believe that a person who has a sense of "Justice" would knowingly punish someone who did nothing to them (I'm speaking strictly of BPD sufferers who have already identified the source of their problem).

[ajmahari]

@JasonCaesare The fixation you mention has to do with repetition compulsion of early abandonment wounds in childhood. That "sense of justice" as you put it, isn't a rational here-and-now "justice" and it is tied to the wounded inner child of those with BPD. They do not understand why they punish and even with awareness need help to change black & white thinking that perpetuates punishing that is from the past is often taken out on a partner. They also fear intimacy - engulfment.

[bellaiam1]

this disorder is torture

[ajmahari]

@bellaiam1 It is very painful for both those who have it and anyone close to them. There is so much hope for recovery if you have it. The thing to research is how medication won't help recovery. No matter which side of BPD one is one their is emotional pain severe enough that it can feel like torture. The key thing is learning how to create positive healthy change whether you have BPD or are or have been a BPD Loved One.

[44prot]

I just want MY BPD individual to Frikken leave ME alone, period!

[invidiata22]

I have come across many of your blog posts and you are truley brilliant. Thank you for giving us survivors of this disorder a voice in the conversations with "the other side" non-Bpd's

[ajmahari]

@invidiata22 Thank you for your kind words and it is my pleasure to work at helping both those with BPD, working against the stigma of BPD, and to help loved ones understand, heal their own pain and make tough decisions about what they need. The key thing I believe is separating BPD behaviour from the person with BPD and that no matter what we need to stop dehumanizing people, even if they are hurtful. People who hurt others also hurt themselves. Compassion is important.

[elavaney]

Thanks for explaining what I'm going through with my sister right now. I now understand why she holds and nurses grudges like her first born child to the point it's destroying her life. Any slight or perceived threat and the response is like sending in a SWAT team over an unlicensed dog or something--totally out of proportion and shocking in the ferocity of her attacks against me. Is it common for BPDs to think that if something bad happens to you, they're better off??

[ajmahari]

@elavaney What you describe has to do with a very emotionally young (arrested development) mindset of those with BPD. It also stems from the unresolved core wound of abandonment and the way those issues are triggered over and over again. Many people with BPD feel (often subsconsiously) that if you're okay, they can't be okay, if you're not okay they can then gain the illusion of being "right" or it makes them feel "okay" - it isn't logical and is a product of black and white thinking.

[Not2bforgot10]

My BPD wants to follow me to the state where we both went to school! Is this common?! She's saying she wants to go back for "her" and that she won't/doesn't want to have any contact with me, but yet she's following me to the same state?! This push/pull, and this "I love you," "I hate you" stuff is REALLY confusing and beyond hurtful. I need a good therapist to help me deal with the aftermath of all of this. I would describe it as having been struck by and sucked into the eye of a "tornado."

[smmeegal]

I can relate to this, thankyou for a great explanation.

[ajmahari]

@smmeegal You are welcome.

[ChicagoFusion]

Here's my suggestion to anyone who's had the grave misfortune of falling into a codependency with the sociopathic abomination known as BPD: Get. Out. Now. Unless she is 100% committed and held accountable for adhering to an intensive treatment protocol, you need to walk, because *there is no hope.* None whatsoever. If you choose instead to be seduced by her pathetic "victim-blamer" emotional blackmail/guilt tactics, whatever semblance of self-esteem you may have left will be completely bled dry.

[ajmahari]

@ChicagoFusion I can understand where you are coming from. Only one counter-point, unless the person is diagnosed with both BPD and sociopathic personality disorders, people with BPD alone, are not sociopathic. Having said, that, however, that does not mean that loved ones aren't severely hurt or that partners or Ex-partners aren't both hurt, and very angry.

[malarki5]

@ajmahari

the woman I know was diagnosed as bipolar disorder but I am certain the diagnosis is WRONG! She's BPD and clearly sociopathic!

[delicatebiscuit]

Wow. Reality check.

[darrenread193]

My wife is suffering from bpd and I am trying to get her to see someone but she will not listen to me any tips I can't take this anymore

[ajmahari]

@darrenread193 Most people need to come to their own realizations about needing some help before they will follow through. It is important to remember that you can't change anyone else no matter how much you want to help them. If you haven't already, ask her about joint therapy. However, if she won't go and doesn't want to work on herself, you could still benefit from getting help yourself for how to cope with what you "can't take" anymore and/or what her not getting help means for your choices.

[Ticklemeivory22]

@ajmahari I can't tell you how much this comment, along with your videos, has helped me. My husband would never accept a label put on him, but matches the criterion that defines BPD. I would love to know any tips you could offer which helped you step out of that "old" way of thinking - if you could so oblige me. It seems as though, if I am to stay married, my best option is to pray a LOT and let him discover necessary tools (strategically) accessible, then step out of the way.

[ajmahari]

@Ticklemeivory22 I'm glad you have found something helpful in what I have talked about. I really can't offer tips. How I recovered is addressed in some of my ebooks, audios, & articles on my websites. I am writing a memoir. A tip I can offer to you for you - radically accept who your husband is. Then decide what you want/need to do. Praying can't hurt but you have to surrender to the reality that you have no control over whether or not he gets help. You can't rescue him.

[stefandetrez]

@darrenread193 Trying to learn to cope with such behaviour is like trying to find a good way to remain in an insecure and emotionally violent relationship. That's unhealthy. It's not you who needs help. It's her. Why would YOU have to adapt to her? I tried too in my case and it made me unhappy. There was no statisfactory rationalizing to keep my cool in situations of rage. It made me unhappy, end of story. It's a sorry situation for your wife, but think of it this way: you happy or both unhappy?

[777Chileno]

Ï just have to say that you are great! The way you discribe BPD is brilliant, you keep it simple and its easy to understand, i have a more clear picture of what BPD is, specially hearing it from you, that manage to recover from it, i think its great! And give a lot of hope for those who have BPD im sure! Thanks for posting this videos they are great!

[1001samurais]

why are there so many people with BPD.

[Glowbetraveler]

This video is so revealing and helpful, I 've had to share it with friends whom have been going through difficult times with their partner. This video is a great service. Thanks so much AJ for all your efforts.

[LiaTyson]

thank you so much for these videos, its incredible how I feel like you are talking straight to me, about my life exactly, so thank you very much for these videos !!! and Merry Christmas!

[kaisersoce07]

as usual - another extremely helpful video. Thank you so much for posting these AJ. Your insights are life savers!