The Catalog - OR - "I Want to Beat Edward Cullen with a Stick!"

[rhiannaisbeast]

THE NUMBER OF TIMES:

THAT EDWARD"S MOOD CHANGES UNEXPECTICLY AND FOR NO REASON:

Over twenty.

In one chapter.

[ladyinpink1111]

haha this made me laugh! great video I hate twilight!

[MozartMeerkittten]

YES! C.S. LEWIS ROCKS!!!! lol take a hint Twilight.

oh my gosh I laughed SOOOOOO hard at this! I haven't laughed that hard for months! ROTFL!

*sends Edward, Bella and Jacob up to Shelob's Lair* ........ or maybe they should be turned to stone by the White witch first... after being tortured by her... xD

(Twilight hater, Narnia and LOTR lover here. ;)

[7Mushrooms7]

The author searched the dictionary for random adjectives so the book could seem intellectual. lol

[MrChocoholic111]

Great vid! probably the funniest anti-twilight vid EVER! Along with the burning Twilight, Eclipse and BREAKING DAWN! *gags* New Moon is ok because everyone is depressed, Bella jumps off a cliff and Edward becomes suicidal. Are there going to be catalogues for all of the books? Please tell me there are!

[dazzlingvamp2009]

Ummm...okay well you should actually read before you critique.

[Croxanika]

Brilliant video!!!

[HolyCowWorshipper]

WINRY!!! omg, lol, sorry. Chapter 108 NAO!!!

Ah, is or does Bella talk about her clumsymness 26 times!? wow...And the mindreading thing is hypothetically explained in the 4th book.

6:14....I don't even know what that means...I'm not english, but still...lol

6:47, yeah, he eats/drinks blood, and I don't think he brushes his teeth...

You made an awesome video! And I still like Twilight! (But Robert Pattison is ugly :P)

[xoxMANIMExox]

3:54

Winry:OMG! You're so sparkly! Is it because of an automail you have?

Edward C: No. Winry: Aww! D: Edward C: You shouldn't be around me. :I

Winry: Umm.. Ok! Bye!

Later that night when winry is about to go to bed..........

Winry: lalalalala~~! ^^ Lalal- O_O ... *sees edward c.*

Edward: I kinda like watch you sleep.. It's-- *wrench and automail to the head*

Winry and Edward E: I DONT YOU EVER GO INTO MY (WINRY'S) ROOM AGAIN, YOU CREEP!

[HolyCowWorshipper]

@xoxMANIMExox Yes. Just, yes.

[happytaffy1625]

Look, I don't care for Twilight, but I don't dispise it like all the annoying perfectionists here. Anyway, the fact that Otahyoni went throught the ENTIRE book to gather every single detail about its flaws, well, hmmm...

[Zlara567]

This was sooo funny I didn't even notice it was nine minutes long!

[MrChocoholic111]

This is Great :)

[lovetolovefairytales]

Boy, do I hate twilight! Edward is such a gary-stu! I don't get why everyone faints and goes "Mehgawd! He's so hawt!" over him. If in real life a guy acted as retarted as Edward Cullen does, someone would call the cops. Forget a stick, someone hand me a club!

[lovetolovefairytales]

THAT WAS PRICELESS! I loved that. BEST PART: "Someone get me some asprin...and some cholcate...and a good dose of C.S. Lewis"! MY THOUGHTS EXACTLY! C.S Lewis's books are REAL reading material, unlike twilight.

[ChikenMuffinz]

Chargin?

[SilentWeirdos]

But u r intild to ur own opinon cuz iH8 on stuf too. Im not judgin im jst sayin my opinon

[SilentWeirdos]

I didnt lyk thiz vid. But i lovd how u h8d on bella. She stole my man Edward!! iKn vampire stuff iznt real but im a white native american who sparklez! Lolz. iLuv Vampirez!! and how come you basicaly only h8d on vampirez!! Their were wolvez in da Twilight seriez 2!! I mean y doz most ppl who h8 Twilight stuff alwayz tlk more bout da Vampirez!! Come on ppl diz on da wolvez!!

[tigertheneko2]

lol im rating this 5 stars and faving!

[msmidget4life]

loved it!!

[Igonkeelchu]

Omfg.....most epic video...EVER 5/5!!!

[Laureeennnaaa]

you dissapoint me.

you must have a narrow mind.

typical.

*yawn*

[Dearheart42]

@Laureeennnaaa - ...Said the pot to the kettle. =P

[Laureeennnaaa]

that makes TONS of sense. really. xD

[Dearheart42]

Errr...so you haven't heard of "the pot calling the kettle black"?

[Girlyz94]

SPARKLE! xD can't stop laughing

[randomvidsish]

You just got yourself another subscriber!

[randomsocksqueen]

OMG a stick ill just get jake to BITE HIS HEAD OFF!

plus in the film new moon hes fighting the voltori and his face cracks... WHY DOES IT HEAL HES A ROCK!

[DemonicRemption]

Edward:"There are other hungers. Hungers that I don't understand, that are foreign to me."

Please tell me that expanded upon and used as a device in the plot of this story as in him wanting to dribk Bella's blood yet fighting it at every turn... Because that shows imperfections. Qualities I looked for in male characters so I can relate to and understand them.

[SARwannabe222]

LOLOLOLOLOL!!!

I don't think a stick will be enough here.

Here, have a chainsaw instead! Scientifically proven to get rid of Mary-Sues!

[MozartMeerkittten]

@SARwannabe222 ......*jumps on tractor with a chainsaw and chases Edward* =P

[Alysin123]

f* u!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[dementedcheesepuff99]

wow. i never noticed a plot was actually mentioned in the first book besides edward and bellas stupid romance.

[BrodwayCrazedSinger]

OMG I am a huge fanpire, but I absolutely loved this video! Me and my friends quote it all the time it is just hilarious. I know you didn't write it, but you turned it into this awsome video. Thanks so much! ITS SO HILARIOUS!

This video is soooo Edwardian! :p

[MarchingBird10]

Omg... Beautiful... I loved this so much. The whole family was watching it laughing their asses off. This video is now my favorite twilight bashing vid.

[babyrose135]

apperently you didnt read the last comment or i didnt make myself clear i watched this vid and didnt like it and dearheart42 and i have dicussed it out and i understand some points of view. but dont go acting like the genuis of the century thats wat makes you look stupid and just flat out sad!1 also next time dont go into some one elses business before you get your own straight!!

[babyrose135]

after 10 seconds i saw this piece o shit wasnt watchin for

[Dearheart42]

Wow. Only ten seconds? =( You should've tried watching it a little longer; it might have opened your eyes to a few things. But if you hate listening to people criticize your precious Twilight, why did you even start watching this in the first place? You'd think the title would be a clue... >__>

And BTW, if you don't want people to pass judgment on Twilight before giving it a fair chance, shouldn't you be willing to return the favor? =P

[babyrose135]

i have watched your twilight in a nutshell so i did returnn the favor and some people dont like twilight for good reasons and move on , but you and other

[Dearheart42]

"Twilight in a Nutshell" is a spoof. "The Catalog" is a critique video. There's a difference. I read/watched Twilight before passing judgment. So I think it's only fair that you watch the whole thing before passing judgment on my opinion. That's all. *shrugs*

And I HAVE moved on. But that doesn't mean I don't enjoy poking fun at it or debating it with other people anymore. =)

[inventiveinsanity]

Using my vastly superior brain I calculate that it (using the fact it only took 10 seconds for your sad excuse for grey matter to consider this a peice of shit, even though it's just pixels, not poo) that if you read the book Twilight you'll discover it's horrible in............ 60 years. Well, good luck on that one, meanwhile us people with our smarts and our friends who are real going to go out and have some burgers. Or y'know. Anything other than reading or being near the horrid Twilight. :)

[whitehousesvc729]

oh...dear...lord. Help. Me. I am being FORCED to go see New Moon this Friday. YES the day of the premire. I'm not sure which is worse: the movie, or the twitards surrounding me for 2 EFFING HOURS!! I wish i could just insult the film, throw food at it and start up anti-twilight chants, but I can't since I'm going with a group of friends for a party =/ I think I mite just bring a piece of good literature along with me to read by the lite of my phone to mock this cult of a book xDD

[Nymphetamine1193]

Oh god, i feel so sorry for you :/ If i were to see that movie, even spend money on it, i would die.. Or do something that literally would make them throw me out of the theatre

[Bryanisachocoholic]

Vrry funny but TWILIGHT RULZ

[The74955]

LMAO you sounded like Helga Potaki on hey Arnold at 7:24

[xDhey77]

xD this is awesome lol

[Tprinces]

XDD hilarious.

[dark102042]

i have to say i just loved the first movie and cant wait to see the 2nd one

[stampedexl]

Wow. That was really funny!

The thing that made it great was the way you said everything. Really well done!

Also, I like the way you did this whole thing without really insulting the Twihards (or whatever they call themselves these days. :)) Some people make videos like this, and, while they're funny, they're also pretty insulting.

Then, having read some of your writing and considering you're a Christian, I wouldn't expect anything less from you.

God bless you and yours,

bookwurm23

[kayleexnaruto]

the original text is even better, there's a fanfiction xD

[strawberryicemint]

:o................

[DwarfPrincess123]

New software? 10 times better than WMM? LUCKY! WMM is all I have...

Oh, and great vid, I love it. :D

[BeccaAndAngel]

ha  ha ha that was funny

[dinaklarisse]

CS Lewis xD

[nitemaric]

well u gave me more reasons to h8 myself cuz i dnt sparkle

[whutzat]

I cracked my ass up at most of this........and I still enjoy the Twilight books.

I dont care for the Jonas Brothers, or High School Musical............so I dont watch, listen to, or think about them.

My suggestion to people who do not care for Twilight is to do the same.

[DragonflameWolfpaw]

Elric is greater than Cullen. No questions asked. I'd take the short, loud-mouthed brat over the personality-lacking statue any day. ^^

[GhostsAreCool]

@DragonflameWolfpaw- I couldn't have said it better myself :D

[Bwaaderent]

@DragonflameWolfpaw

Edward Elric: I A NOT SHORT!

[prittymiddyful]

even though i like twillight i realized how silly it was but i still like it this was a funny video lol

[Asuna6573]

This was awesome. The tone of voice you used, the pictures (nice job putting Winry in there, FMA rules!), and the comments you put in fit really well! I'd read the Live Journal thing, but this complemented it really well. I'd say perfect, but I've heard that enough in the stupid book. Oh, and if you find Edward, I'd be happy to supply a good stick.

[DawnfireDragon]

you brought hope into the life of an otherwise hopeless vampire literature lover with your clear understanding of what went wrong with that book

Thank you.

[LadyMorningGlory]

Awesome, amazing, you are AWESOME DearHeart! I laughed SOOOOO hard. :-p

This is my fav. YouTube video. :-D

[doc105]

lol omg thank you helped with my jealousy of edward!

[artificialsweetening]

Okay let me first say I loved Winry there at 3:52 squealing for Edward (or Ed). So cute. :]

Anyways, yeah as a fellow anti-twilighter this was awesome :D I loved your voice acting and it really matched the rant. Hilarious! X3

I can only say that maybe Ms. Meyer PURPOSLY wrote it out as a parody? O.O But dear God I hope so because if not then she definatly needs some writing lessons in cliche.

5 stars! FTW ;]

[Dearheart42]

Haha, I was wondering when someone would catch that little nod to FMA I put in. XD Proud to support EdWin and team ELRIC, baby! There's only ONE character in my book who's allowed to glisten in the sun, have golden eyes and possess the name "Edward". ;-)

Sorry, ehehe...couldn't resist ranting for a second...ANYWAY, thanks! I'm happy you enjoyed this, and glad that my voice did the original rant some justice. And SMeyer, oh lord... *facepalms* What were people SMOKING when they published it??

[Runnin2Crazy]

Instead of just Edward, I'd like to beat Bella with a stick as well. Or ya know, not even that. Just let james eat her and someone rip edward apart and set him on fire. That would be a fitting end.

I read this journal entry before. Very funny and entertaining and I loved the sarcastic and witty commentaror. Nicely done. Nice animation as well!

[armygirl517]

u r sooooo mean. TWILIGHT ROCKS!! how cud u hate Twilight? or Edward Cullen? Edward Cullen is hot!(I know he's not real) Rob Pattinson is hot! u wana beat Edward wit a stick? people like u make me n my Twilight-fanatic bffs wana beat u wit a stick!!

[cuteminti3]

This is what I dont like about twifans This proves the point, that Edward is an underdeveloped character worthy of beating because otherwise they'd have more reasons to like him, apart from 'he'sss sssoooo hhhooottt!!!'

[saphuras1122]

I love it!! XD

[tabrismacbeth]

So, Twilight...it's a real book, right? Not a Vampire: The Masquerade fanfic written by a desperately lonely woman who has no friends and rarely leaves her house, and is self-inserting herself into her sad, corny-as-a-cornfield fantasy world as "Bella"?

But yeah, I think we can all agree forks are worth of our mockery and scorn.

-Tabris

[MonkeyMusings]

Oh, my gosh.

I worship you.

The timing and everything was so perfect, as was your voice as the Critic. At the end I laughed aloud at the "Someone get me an asparin...and some chocolate...and a good dose of C.S. Lewis."

SO TRUE, BABE, SO TRUE.

"All-star" was so perfect at the end.

GAH, DH, YOU'RE MY NEW FAVORITE PERSON IN THE WHOLE WORLD.

[Dearheart42]

*cracks up* Wow, I'm being worshiped now...that's kinda scary... XD

LOL, I'm glad you found this so amusing. (Though please share some of the worship with Otahyoni; she's the genius who wrote The Catalog in the first place.) =P I think this video may be the best one I've made so far...but that's mainly because I had the most fun putting it together, lol. Twilight makes great material for witty and sarcastic critics. XD

Thanks again for the awesome comment. Have a cookie. You rock. ^__^

[Parorou]

It's always fun to see the "battles" between die-hard fans and critics ;D thumbs up to you.

[Dearheart42]

Haha, thanks! =D

[RinLockhart]

I looved the video. I salute you, ma'am.

[Dearheart42]

Haha, thank you! =D

[whitehousesvc729]

You actually counted all that?? And you're an anti?? Here's all i have to say: YOU ARE A TRUE HERO!!! I hope Stephanie Meyer is watching this now to see wat we really think of her crap series =D

[Dearheart42]

Haha, thanks for the glowing praise. =D But technically, I didn't count all that. I didn't write the catalog; Otayoni on LiveJournal did. All I did was laugh my head off after reading it and then make a video out of it. XD

But I'm glad you found this lulz-worthy. =D

[whitehousesvc729]

You see, I'm a stupid person who reads the video description AFTER I comment, lol. Well, Otayoni is a true hero, but i apreciate u posting this, beause i would not have found it any other way, lol. Plus, its more interesting then reading a blog

I praise you both =]

[Fireblaze175]

Awesome! This is hilarious.

[Dearheart42]

Heehee, thanks! I had waaaay too much fun making this. =D

[BenevolentVapor]

LOL! That has got to be the most hilarious and clever anti-Twilight vid I have EVER seen!!!

[Dearheart42]

Haha, I'm glad you liked it! =D

[inkiw]

Ahahah! Awesome. :D

[cheezydevil]

Great vid! probably the funniest anti-twilight vid EVER! Along with the burning Twilight, Eclipse and BREAKING DAWN! *gags* New Moon is ok because everyone is depressed, Bella jumps off a cliff and Edward becomes suicidal. Are there going to be catalogues for all of the books? Please tell me there are!

[Dearheart42]

Heehee, the burning twilight video was great. Nope, sorry! No more catalogs. Otayoni didn't write anymore; plus I'd like to save the few, precious brain cells I have left from the trauma of going near Twilight again. I'm still recovering... *shudders*

[thefaithfulfairy55]

how about because hes hot? jerks edward is the hottest creature on earth i would die literally ot meet him i love him i wish he was real i actually believe hes real in a sense and i spent 100 in edward stuff im a die hard fan and will always be so get a life instead of making fun of something if u dont like it ok keep it ot urself!

[Dearheart42]

*gigglesnort* Your comment is yet more proof that Twilight kills brain cells. I rest my case.

[cheezydevil]

Ever heard of the term "filthy hyporcrite?" this is what me and my friend think of you. This video is hilarious and if you don't like twilight why did you watch an anti-twilight video?

[whitehousesvc729]

XDDD wow, just wow. Just because he's "hot" (FYI: fictional character, try all u want, but he's not real. If you're trying to be smart, Robert Patisson doesnt count) doesnt make him a great person or moral character. Looks mean nothing, and I guess you were out in school the day they taught us that lesson. (Don't try to be savvy and "diss" me with an ugly joke. No.)

[Phoenixangelgal]

Hypocrite and schizo. I hate your kind.

And you spent 100 bucks over crap instead of college or good litterature, especially with the econiomy like this?

EDWARD IS NOT REAL!!! He never will be and can never be. And Robbie doesn't count cause he's just an actor [who just claimed how much HE hates Edward too-- oh the irony!].

[Phoenixangelgal]

"economy"

And seriously. $100 for Twilight stuff? Seriously, that's the biggest waste of money ever. Hot Topic stuff really isn't that great (I dunno about Wal Mart) and what would happen if you grew out of Twilight and realized it was a fad?

I can see better use over that money.

[OCDTwilighters]

you would die to meet him? that doesn't make any sense. if you're already dead then you cant meet him. everyone always says how they love him and want to marry him and blah balh blahn when 1. he's married. 2. he has a KID and 3. he's a FICTIONAL charector!

[bakownsyourface]

I always thought the review was amazing, and your video definitely gave me a wonderful laugh~  C:

[jaynelly11]

LOL cold marble lips!XD this is super funylawl

[danielletg1974]

I love this! I don't like the Twilight Series Either!

[polkaspot701]

i loveee twilight.

idk why some people hate it so much!

but if whoever wrote this

hates twilight so much,

then why did they take the time to count everything?

im a die-hard fan

but i wouldn't ever do that.

[Phoenixangelgal]

We hate it cause we know the books, movies, and characters stink.

And of course whoever wriote this doesn't like Twilight, that's the entire point.

[polkaspot701]

uhmm yeah i understand that point.

but my point is that it probably took a looonngg time to count how many times everything happened...

so why on earth would they waste their time reading and counting if they hated it so much?

[RinLockhart]

Research?

And what is funny is that when we read the books, most Twihards say, "READ IT! You will love it!" and once we do and still don't like it they say, "Why did you read it?"

I.... it's so difficult to not get a migraine from this.

[RinLockhart]

*when we haven't read the books

pardon the typo there

[Phoenixangelgal]

To prove a point on how redundent her writing really is.

I mean, the fucking plot takes place at the near end of the story, SERIOUSLY! Plot is suppose to begin in the BEGINNING, not the end.

And by the way, ppl develop a hatred AFTER they experience something. They read it and found it disgusting. If they knew it would suck, they wouldn't have read it.

[polkaspot701]

ohhkay sorry.

they could've stopped reading it if they didn't like it...

i've done that before...

but whatever.

everyone has opinions.

so you can hate twilight all you want.

it doesn't bother me.

i was just asking a question.

[Phoenixangelgal]

Ok. cause usually I ear obnoxious "If yo don't like it, don't read it" crap. We would of not read it if we known what it was about and most of us stopped reading when we hated it.

I'm glad that me and other people not enjoying Twilight doesn't concern you. I don't really get on the Twilight fans (unless the are overly obsessed and deny us freedom of speech of course). My friends are Twifans but aren't obsessive as to bite someone's head off.

Treat those how you wanted to be treated.

[Phoenixangelgal]

Sorry. Keyboard errors again: "hear" and "you"

[Phoenixangelgal]

"Wrote", sorry. Keyboard error.

[virusq]

The video is missing. :(

[Dearheart42]

Missing??

It doesn't look missing to me...did a notice thingy pop up or something?

[virusq]

It's back, now. Last night, when I clicked it, the video area was a notice: "Video File Cannot Be Found."

[NarniaNut1898]

*DIES* Dearie, I LOVE you. That was brilliant! *snugs and runs away laughing*

[Dearheart42]

Hiya Squeakums! I know this is a bit, um, late...ehehe... XD

HOWEVER:

*flyingsupersnugtackle*

Thank you!! I'm glad this made you laugh! =D

[rebekahWalton]

Some one has to give us Anti-Twilight people a voice. Although i have not read any of the books I have disliked this whole plot(of Vampire being good.) for a while they are scary.

[Dearheart42]

Thanks! *grins* It was tons of fun to make! The video was mostly an experiment with titles, sound levels and picture layering. I'm just happy it turned out well! :-)

I made the puppet using Paint. Pretty simple. The movie editing software I used is a cool program my mom got me for an early b-day present - PowerDirector. Google it. It's relatively simple to use and lots of fun to work with. There are lots of cool transitions, effects and other gadgets to play around with. I highly recommend it.

[Frogsterking]

@TwilightSucksDotCom

That was definately more funny than anything on the video XD

I kind of agree with you, and like I said I am not a big fan Twilight, I just don't think it is as bad as you are making it out to be.

[Dearheart42]

Okay, okay, cool. To each his own. Frogsterking, if you liked the writing then good for you. I'm sorry you weren't able to enjoy the video more.

TwilightSucks, that was pretty funny...but next time, could we keep it PG please? I definitely didn't need to see that part, lol. My mom's requested me to take your comment down for the sake of other (and possibly younger) people who may come here. But keep up with the anti-Twilight awesomeness! :-D

And oh yeah...Happy Valentine's Day to everyone! XD

[TwilightSucksDotCom]

That was awesome! I love how you edited this, the images, sound effects, everything XD This was great. I always loved that review but seeing it visually was the icing on the cake =P what movie editor program did you use?

[josef1004]

I don't really even get it.

[Dearheart42]

What's not to get?

[Frogsterking]

Nice puppet motions and good job with the speaking. However I disagree with the reasons you have here. Pretty much everything in "The Catalog" can be countered with this simple sentence:

"Twilight is a romance story."

The romance between Bella and Edward is the whole point of the story. That is why people read the Twilight Saga (which did not get worse with each book, it in fact got better.) Anyone who has read and understands the books would scoff at the reasons you have placed here.

[Frogsterking]

Don't get me wrong, I am not a big fan of the Twilight series. I think it is written very well, but has a childish story to tell. I did enjoy the books somewhat though, and just wanted to point out that this video may be amusing but will not fool anyone but the illiterate. You can take romantic metaphors out of context and show all the lowlights of a novel to make it seem silly for almost any book.

[Dearheart42]

Thanks! One or two things I'd like to point out, though:

1) I didn't write all this; someone else did. She's an associate editor. If you want to tell her that her catalog/spoof is something only the "illiterate" will believe, be my guest.

2) I do realize it is primarily a romance, and of COURSE it's about Edward and Bella. However, that's a poor excuse for badly structured sentences, "scintillating" arms, "incandescent" chests and gaping plot holes. IMO, Meyer's writing is...painful.

Cheers!

[Frogsterking]

@Dearheart

I think her writing is good and that is the only reason I enjoyed the Twilight Saga. She does a good job of bringing the reader in. Yes there are problems with her writing such as the "badly structured sentences" as you put it, which were annoying sometimes, but were not that bad in general.

[nismura]

Hmm... Have you read any good romance stories?

[IrishFaerieRose]

That was awesome, Dearie!!! Lol, seriously!

*supermegaflyinghugtackleglomp­s* ;)

[Dearheart42]

*OOF* Thanks so much! ^__^ Glad you enjoyed it! *supermegaflyinghugtackleglomp­s back*