Borderline Personality - Non Borderlines Letting Go

[13abbitt]

A frank video. I, the diagnosed Borderline cannot manage to completely break from a non-Borderline (who is rather Codependent), no matter how elegantly I have tried to end the relationship/friendship. I have been given the impression that my "passionate" Borderline/Bipolar nature makes this non-Borderline desire to rescue me: and I protest. How do I exit from a clinging relationship without fleeing? I remain enmeshed. Unpleasant: messy. ... I liked your video, just the same.

[LlawlietisaPedoFag]

Can you give me an example of your borderline behavior and how it affected people? I'm not looking for symtoms, I'm looking for a specific scenario and how it played out.

[MrSpemat]

I think projection and projective identification plays a part of this...

my mom is borderline and I feel guilty for my shortcomings to this day for not being good enough to not set her off every day... and I think she works it both ways... to make me understand and make me feel bad for her...

my bipolar was always part of the problem and if I hadn't grown up with that, life would be different...

With Borderlines it is hard to tell whether you SHOULD feel bad or not...

[mikeviehl]

so i must leave then?it will never be better and she will let me go and not care

[ajmahari]

@mikeviehl I cannot tell you what you need to do. You have to decide for yourself if you believe your relationship is working or not. Many people do leave, some people don't. But, unless your partner acknowledges her choices, words, actions and gets effective professional help (not just meds) and really works to change her relational style then you will benefit from asking yourself how you can be happy the way things currently are.

[aussiecowboy]

I think about it everyday why he left, can't come up with an answer, it sucks, it truly sucks to be hurt this way, I wish it would go away. did the best I could for them and got the blame for it all and treated like dirt after they walked out, even talked to his friend to see if I could get an answer and then I was painted a monster for doing that, wish it never happened as I can't find closure as well.

[majikstranger]

I just find it kind of ironic that BPD people became that way because of abandonment issues either real or imagined so they spend the rest of their lives abandoning others. Seems so selfish to me.

[meeg2005]

@majikstranger tell me about it

[lpoi7]

HI ajmahari i have been diagnosed with bpd too, i like your videos and your speech too and i woud like to ask you if you would like to have a chat with me on skype or something about very interesting subject like: sociopathy interaction with boderline. It would be very much of help to me if you write me back.Thanks and ceep on. :)

[msheline]

I'm so glad my daughter who is getting her masters in psychology pointed this out to me of what I'm living with. They call him dad even tho were not married & he's like a stepdad. But he is all they have had as a dad from their later teens to now. I'm in so much pain right now. I seem to not be able to get out. My health has taken a toll and my emotions are now taking a toll.He refuses to take responsibility & won't get help.I was such a strong happy person and now all I do is cry. He's so mean.

[MrSpieldose]

I learned to accept reality. I have learned how to live a life without chaos without my mom. I often think about her because she is older and know my mom enough to know how she works.

I deal with bipolar I disorder and my grandmother did too and my mom can own her mistakes at times and I get that sense of hope time and time again but each time she turns it into my problem and how I became her mother because of my manic episodes.

To let go and accept it is the best thing. thanks.

[wushuichiban]

Sorry for posting all my comments seperately, they were meant to be one big comment but youtube only lets me use 500 per post lol. & Yeah, I've asked her many times for closure but she always runs away from it. She might even be diagnosed but she never told me what she went to therepay for and YES! SHE DOES need to see a psychiatrist but I know she never will because she doesnt want to admit she has a problem at all, she did tell me one time she can take pills for w.e she has but do not work.

[ajmahari]

That's okay, I figured that it was that you had more to say than each comment space allows :) Closure in the case of this woman you describe won't be mutual. In these type of relationships the person, you, in this case, needs to find his or her own closure. And, you can't expect her to understand how you feel or why you feel how you feel. Sounds as if you might want to consider moving on and working on your healing from all of this stress and pain.

[wushuichiban]

Yes Idc if she left me for another guy or whatever the case is, I Just REALLY Wanted some kind of closure, but I've come to terms that I'm probably not going to get one, since she ignores me completely. & You're right! I've come to understand that she most DEFINATELY does NOT understand how I feel about any of this or how it would affect my life, but what hurts most is that you feel like that person doesnt care at all, when I have done everything in the world for this person. =\

[ajmahari]

And all that can be done right now with that hurt is to learn from it. A red flag in any relationship - if one person does all the giving and the other all the taking. For true healthy love and care to be a part of a relationship there has to be mutuality.

[wushuichiban]

I completely agree, I'm 24 and she was 19 and I'm her first serious relationship so for the longest time I've been blaming most of her mistakes on the fact that she is just growing up and I've taken her back 4 times in the last 6 months because I've used that excuse. but After learning about the symptoms of BPD I understand so much more right now. Just wish I had read about it b4 our relationship ended so I could understand why she acts the way she does. Thank you so much for talking to me.helps

[wushuichiban]

I'm finding my own closure through watching these videos, they are the closest thing to a reason as to why she did this and it explains everything exactly the way it happened. Everything was fine and BAM it just stopped, and I became an unimportant factor in her life, no contact, no reason or anything. it hurts, but you know. All I can do is What you said. Shift my focus and hope that the next girl i meet wont do this. All I ask for now is that one day she realizes that she made a mistake.

[ajmahari]

I am glad the videos are helpful in your process of finding your own closure. Make sure the next girl knows how to share the give and take. To truly move on you will benefit greatly from not being invested in whether or not your Ex realizes she made a mistake. Take what may now be a "mistake" that you made (if you see it that way?) and learn what this growth opportunity challenges you to learn about you :)

[wushuichiban]

Well out of the 3 years we've been together, the first two were fine and she was semi normal and I could tell she Actually loved me. I read somewhere that they can maintain a normality for a couple of years until their defense structure crumbles. The last gf I had left me in the same manner so its hard to keep trusting and thinking other girls can be any different when its almost the only thing I have experienced. But I just gotta have hope and do what you say. "Shift my focus"

[PrincessaSophie]

@wushuichiban Um, you know... it isn't your place to diagnose your ex-girlfriend. Sometimes being treated poorly is just that-- being treated poorly.

[wushuichiban]

Watching these videos helps me out a lot and gives me SUCH a better understanding, like I said, she isnt diagnosed with it, but from what I've read this is ExACTLY what she has and its the only explanation for acting the way that she does?

Do you think she has it based on what i've told you?

[ajmahari]

I'm glad you found the video helpful. I can't say if she had BPD or not but I hope that you are able to let go so that you can heal and so that you don't continue to get hurt. She needs to see a psychiatrist to be evaluated for BPD. She needs to take responsibility for her actions and you need to know that you cannot change her, make her change, or rescue her.

[wushuichiban]

It hurt so bad and I just feel so abandoned and she doesnt care how I feel at all. I've done nothing but nice thigns and tolerated her random anger outburst and act likes its a normal thing and then she does this, and im so sad, I really didnt know how to react so I just sent her mean messages but only because I just felt so hurt and all the nice things Ive done are now unappreciated and thrown back in my face.

[ajmahari]

It sounds like it's time for you to take care of you. She is likely not able to see your point of view. She is likely has difficulty coping with her own feelings and therefore little to understanding or inclination to want to hear how you feel. I hope that you will allow yourself to feel your pain, grieve it and not look to her for anymore closure or resolution. To do so would only invite more pain and you have been hurt enough.

[wushuichiban]

Before we started dating she slept with about 12 random people in her life that she didnt even know the names of and I think isnt that a symptom of bpd? she cheated on me when she went to a concert with some random guy that she met up there.

AND MANIPULATION is a symptom too right? She makes mistakes all the time and makes me feel like I'm the crazy one.

[ajmahari]

It sure is a red flag for a troubling relational dynamic. It does sound like you have a lot to deal with there. Identifying the symptoms of BPD in someone may or may not be accurate. Only a professional can make that diagnosis. However, it can give you insight into the unhealthy nature of what a relationship with her means. It sounds as if you've endured a lot of pain.

[wushuichiban]

I did and it explained EVERYTHING, I NOW understand why she gets so angry and depressed and cuts herself and leaves me all the time with no explanation.

Her parents got divorced when she was young and has been to therapy but idk if they diagnosed her with anything but I know for sure that she has ALL of the symptoms of borderline.

[ajmahari]

It sounds like she certainly may have BPD. It would be in your best interest armed with what you learning to apply it to decisions that you may need to make to take care of yourself.

[wushuichiban]

she has left me for another guy 2 times now and lies all the time. She gets insanely depressed and nothing I can say will help her.

I've been told by one of my friends who happened to study psychology after telling her about my gf about the symptoms and she recommended that I do research on this.

[ajmahari]

Researching and getting as much information as you need to understand what is happening with your gf will hopefully give you the understanding that you need to learn that you cannot help her or rescue her.

[wushuichiban]

I've been with my gf for 3 years. I've always known there was something wrong with her, but I was never smart enough to do research on the symptopms, She has random outburst of Anger for no reasons at all, She Broke up with me after making me wait 4 months for her to come back from new york, and left me for another guy, and when I was getting ready to move on, she wanted me back and I kept saying no but she threatened to keep cutting herself if I didnt come back, she acts impulsively,

[ajmahari]

I'm glad you found the video helpful. I cannot really say whether she has it or not. She would well benefit from being assessed professionally. I hope you can find healing and peace from all you've gone through by shifting your focus from her to you.

[GiaStruggles]

i read that you recovered from bpd...i never heard of it...in every clinic and every doctor ,therapist,psychologist etc. where i have been told me that it´s unpossible to fully recover from bpd.....may that´s just not known in germany..but...i don´t know...i don´t have any hope...or i just can´t believe in healing from that...so...the worst thing is ..that i often like it to be as i am...i hate it and i love it..it´s confusing...

[ajmahari]

It's very sad but true that there are still way too many professionals telling people with BPD that they cannot get better or cannot fully recover. I did, 15 years ago now. You can. There IS hope. It is important to work with a therapist who believes you can recover. In life we do get what we think we deserve. Therefore, without hope or the belief for healing, getting better, and recovery, if you believe you'll stay the same - you will. But, you do not have to!

[GiaStruggles]

@ajmahari ok..thanks for your answer...i have a new therapist for a few weeks and i didn´t tell her that i am diagnosed with bpd..so...she didn´t say to me what kind of diagnose she gave me...but she told that she can help me and that in future i will not be as i am right now...that she know, she knows that i am getting better...so i will see what happens..

[Lalachicki]

thanks for the video. Since you seem to have a good grasp about this topic, I feel comfortable with asking you. Is it common or typical for a borderline individual to completely CUT off all contact with a spouse? Whereas there was no argument, but other stressors on their side. This individual is a young male. Just wondering why they would end a seemingly great relationship in such a manner with no explanation. Yet, they surround themselves with ppl who do NOT appreciate them!

[ajmahari]

It is more common than most people think it is. In a word, SHAME. Some people with BPD feel much more comfortable with people who "don't appreciate them" because those "relationships" are less intimate, not healthy, and therefore not as triggering or emotionally demanding. There is often no explanation because often the person with BPD really consciously has little to no idea why they cut things off, they have patterns of splitting and burning bridges - replay of past abandonment experience.

[Lalachicki]

Thanks for both of your answers. They made a great amount of sense. I was trying to play the role of counselor, girlfriend, and most importantly heroine. But obviously it did not help. I think what interests me in my persistence to know about this disorder is the fact that I am in medical school with the hopes of becoming a psychiatrist. This is counterproductive because I read a lot and often feel intrigued by such things. Thank you for your response. You cleared it up for me. He needs help

[ajmahari]

You are welcome. Yes, he needs help, and he needs to take responsibility to get that help. No one can make him or rescue him into getting that help. As you continue on your educational path I think you will discover just how many people struggle with wanting to rescue, save, or help others instead of taking care of themselves. We aren't taught enough how to say no, without feeling guilty. You'd be surprised how many mental health professionals seek out my services for coping with BPD personally.

[PinkLederhosen]

I can't imagine how much courage it takes to work on BPD and get to this point. Once you started being honest with yourself, did you get more and more hungry for the truth? Was it scary to face?

[ajmahari]

It was a lot of determined committed work for sure. It was scary to face at each step of the way just as it is for nons in their own process of understanding and healing - something else I have been through. The truth really can and will set us free.

[ajmahari]

You are welcome. Take great care of yourself and while letting go is, at first painful, you can learn to celebrate that new-found freedom. Cherish it. Nurture yourself and look inside to see where you would benefit from change so you don't have to ever go through another relationship with someone with BPD.

[catguta]

i can't let go because she has my children and i do not know where they are.

focusing on what was going on with me leaves me with why i took her physical and emotional abuse for 16 years.

and why don't borderlines ever talk about the physical abuse they delivered to their spouse and children?

why do i never hear them speak of the lies, the deceit and the treachery that used to destroy the one who loved them no matter what?

[ajmahari]

You don't hear them speak of the lies, deceit, and treachery because they are rarely aware of it in any understandable conscious way. Borderlines who do not get help are mired in such cognitive distortions and live with what I'd refer to as a compromised conscience - one that can only be fully connected to in recovery. Many with BPD hurt those who love them no matter what because they are triggered and re-living out old abandonment trauma - that's sadly no consolation for you, however.

[allisonkarin]

wheres the other part of this video!!!!

[ajmahari]

This video was, if I remember correctly, just a one part video.

[SwiftJammer]

hmm go figure...I just realized bout the time I ended the relationship with my ex BP 4 months ago. I recieved a letter from my ex fiance who I believe at the time when we were dating 8 yrs ago WAS also diagnosed with BP & nvr recieved treatment either. Guess my ? is...what are the odds of dating 2 BP's in a lifetime? Is the disorder really that common among women than men? If so. why??? I know I've read about it to be about 70% found in women than men & if not frustrates me they dont seek help

[TouchStone2002]

I also have had two relationships with BPDs. I dont think its about the coincidence , or "odds" of dating 2 BPDs . I think its more about what we nons need to work on in ourselves to attract a healthier relationship, and recognize what it is in ourselves that attract unhealthy relationships to our table in the first place.

[ajmahari]

I would agree with you touchstone2002 - it's not about coincidence. Many people I life coach (non borderlines) actually have had a series of relationships with people with BPD. There are reasons. Some have common patterns but in each case there are also individual factors. Loved ones - non borderlines - in their recoverying from these relationships do have things they will benefit learning more about themselves so that they can find a healthier partner and relationship.

[ajmahari]

Hi Swiftjammer - actually, yes, BPD is, I think, much more common and getting moreso common than many stats would indicate. Many people do have 2 or more relationships with people with BPD. I don't believe it's a coincidence. You and millions of others are frustrated that so many don't seek help. It's complicated as to why some with BPD do and so many with BPD don't. Remember, you can only take your own journey to healthier relationships by learning more about yourself. You can't rescue the bpd.

[SwiftJammer]

tru tru your absolutely right. tyvm for the response, its a chapter now closed in my life thx again

[ajmahari]

I am glad for you that it is now a closed chapter in your life. Be happy and take great care of yourself.

[ajmahari]

I think that you have really answered your own questions in your comment. You do have the answers to your questions. Sometimes, it's just very challenging to make the most difficult choice.

Letting go, surrendering to the loss, and opening to the pain of the lessons of that loss is the healthiest gift that you can truly give yourself.

Surrender to the loss and let it teach you what you most still need to learn and know.

[SwiftJammer]

I recently had a break-up with a BP & gotta say it was a crushing blow for awhile. Though i was initially ready for it being a Psych major & watched her display symptoms over time it was sad knowing she would nvr recover from it but merely manage it. IF SHE GETS HELP/Treatment! She knows i pegged her on it being as we're BOTH Psych majors (funny story how we met). Though its over its sad knowing she'll nvr be happy being BP with HPV as well. Sadly i tried to save her but couldnt <3u always Carol

[ajmahari]

It is very painful at first for sure. When we realize we can't rescue and they aren't interested in getting help it is time to radically accept that, begin the process of letting go as you have and remember the person with BPD is responsible for his or her life just as the loved one is responsible for  his or hers. Lots of sadness, often no closure - letting go is a process.

[SwiftJammer]

Thank you so much for the response. slowly but surely i am letting go of the past we shared. its difficult but not impossible thx again

[ddtoots]

i feel like seriuosly blowing my head off.

all the hell beucase of the BPD motehr i ahve and she denies everything. and she continues to want to be the victim.

i feel she is pure evil. how does one deal with it. why do i keep forgetting i cant talk to her as s normal person.

[ajmahari]

How you may feel when it isn't in your best interest is likely not a helpful impulse to act upon. The best way to deal with it is by getting help and support and by working through your anger, feeling the sadness, and letting go. You may forget you can't talk to her as a "normal" person because you may want very much to connect & be heard by her. I am sorry to hear of your pain and frustration. Focus on what you need in your life via radical acceptance. You can't change her.

[Nyhee7]

Hi, Miss Mahari.

My mother is bp. Since I was a baby I have been trying to rescue her. I stopped trying two years ago. Though I had a traumatic childhood, I am glad that I learned so much from it. I look at every one as a child, now, and only if they behave better than a child do I ever expect or dare to hope more from them. And Miss Mahari, I haven't met an adult in my entire life, no, not one.

But, I have much love from people, and am able to love them as they are, children.

[ddtoots]

is it possible to get thorugh it. right now, i dont think i can handle it antoehr day. really.

[ajmahari]

It is. However, what "getting through it" means isn't the same for everyone. Take it one minute at a time if you have to. Find someone to talk to about how you feel. Know that you can and will find hope again. Be willing to let go of what you need to let go of.

[davddeinbo]

I just got out of a bpd/npd relationship non diagnosed but she meets the criteria. She used to break up then come right back witihin a day. know i wont get closure but my ? is she used to get mad sometimes and say i cheated on you while you were gone or im going to cheat on you with my ex! when done raging she would say i didnt mean that an i just wanted you to leave you know its not true.  My ? is do all bpd/npd cheat? Does the disease define the persons characterisctics? thanks for any comment

[ajmahari]

I don't think it would be accurate to say that all BPD/NPD's cheat. It is an individual thing. Many do cheat but so too do many who do not have a PD. Personality Disorders define personality traits. These traits tell us things about each person diagnosed with a PD but not everything about any individual person.