Semi-Literate Former Gold Prospector Given Own Cable News Show

[badgerbuddy]

She's Pretty For A Chinese hahahaha!

[bfshinn]

What's with the subtitles? You can't read the ticker which is second layer of the humor.

[mikedamat]

Cressbeckler 2012!

[PunKarmus]

Jesus, Joad Cressbeckler is freakin ancient XD I'd wager 140 or so by the picture of him with Teddy Roosevelt hahaha

[wing2912]

Another republican candidate?

[SoldierCyfix]

pink at the core; little homo sucking on his mama's dick! - best insult ever

[kristinloveschevys]

".. the chicken curse.."

[greiteneis]

Don't pay no 'tention to no haters, Joad...you just keep on keepin' at those Chinese and those taxmen and 'merica will once again be the proud nation she once was.

[Jcolinsol]

Ain't heard that last of that "Tesla" feller. Mark me.

[xmasterfunk]

@Jcolinsol i fucking lost it when i saw that HAHHAHA

[majorgray3]

More Cressbeckler! More Cressbeckler!!!

[The1211deep]

bakit parang sumisigaw sya pag nagsasalita? ganon ba talaga pag matanda na? haha!

[supraguy2jzgte]

ON THOSE A-RABS

[MasterMark123]

The Onion just continues to out do it self . Joad is a wonderful character !

[BBPatterson12]

This guy is the very reason why poor people shouldn't have any political power.

[Ravintolavaunu]

Wtf trespassers is subtitled toad-splashers

[Fiki2k7]

Id die of alcohol poisoning or black lung for or with this man.

[CeruleanFilms]

"I don't respect no man what ain't lost a body part in war" - greatest campaign slogan ever.

[wrylie188]

Hey, I'd vote for him.

[kenner311]

@wrylie188 Ever heard of Ron Paul? lol

[wrylie188]

@kenner311 I think Ron Paul is probably the best republican running; but I don't like his ideas about removing seperation of church and state.

[kenner311]

@wrylie188 he's not bad ... other than the fact that he voted against the Civil Rights Act of 1964, has racist news letters, is anti-Abraham Lincoln, voted to withhold federal funding for hospitals treating illegal immigrants in emergency situations, voted against Rosa Parks' congressional medal of honor, stated the Civil War was unnecessary and that the Union should have bought back slaves (as if people can be treated as property), etc... I like most of his economic policies though.

[marlesimms]

This never gets old

[lovegun001]

Glenn Beck doesn't seem to be aging well. 

[Lennybrucelee13]

MORE CRESSBECKLER PLEASE

[JackHill45]

I love his fountain pen. Everything about Joad is anachronistic and wonderful.

[petermoranman]

"She purty for a Chinese!"

[Papachair]

Awesome!!

[kookiegod123]

Geez I thought i was watching Fox for a while.

[stingernick]

SHOW EM THE SECOND AMENDMENT!

[xSpArTiChRiSx]

"Now were guna stick it to a horse so's we dont lose our minds" lol

[JerFhilm]

@xSpArTiChRiSx whore.

[SolomonKull]

I would watch the fuck out of this if it were a real show.

[supernerbil]

lol chicken curse.

[joetaff]

You're a Pink Pansy!

[robbycocksmith]

His list at 0:45 says "Spain fitting to rise up"

[greg17815]

"Ain't heard the last of that Tesla fellow."

[soulinite]

Joad speaks for the real America!

[piethrower91]

...as accurate as the captions are for this video... they still don't help... 

[southsydney]

ahahaha. the writers are amazing. "if you're too lazy to strangle your own bird..."

ie Choke your chicken.

rofl

[lulz1978]

lol the subtitles are all wrong

[rushindulen]

Show 'em the 2nd amendment!!!!

[blindthrall]

"That little homo needs to go suck on his mother's dick."

[bobthehobo1000]

the only reson i cliched this, is becaust semi is my nick name.... and no, im not a fat ass

[southsydney]

@bobthehobo1000 is there a story behind your name?

[mexico992]

"New Colgate Tooth-Whitener for the angry whitens teeth as you gnash."

[DamnYourReallyUgly]

Cressbekler makes me proud to be American...

I gotta make some tree stump liquor....

[IncognitoShhh]

just your typical American

[ohohmrbill1]

Got be as drunk as a tick on stump liquor rotflmfao!!

[thirtyminuteslater]

Sex offenders rally for the right to pull out their penises as a joke.. HAHAHA

[NJburbsSeeker]

I'd rather watch this guy than Keith Olbermann. lol Though I think he might find a slot on fox...

[SoldierCyfix]

wow this guy almost triumphs McCain

now am gonna stick it to a horse so i dont lose my mind

[Unguidedone]

just like my grandpa.....

[Sabohaque]

Aw, they missed an opportunity to say negro.

[jeb31415]

"You can sit for a while but keep your boots on!". So many gems.

[kakuichi]

oh man, cressbeckler needs his own youtube channel ASAP! Between him pulling out "Black Baby" & the sound on the goose line I'm in tears (thanks BTW). If that's not the simonpure then I don't know what I'm honeyfuggling talking about!

[jtivin]

Shockingly, he still makes more sense than Glenn Beck.

[MrPuffynipples]

@jtivin its not shocking at all to me

[kenner311]

@jtivin This is actually making fun of Ron Paul.

[dejimmeistahmon4742]

@jtivin How is that shocking?

[jamesdarnel]

"SHOW UM THE SECOND AMENDMENT!"

[Makron5]

The captions are inaccurate.

[thecapone45]

now give it to me sound on the goose!

[DamnYourReallyUgly]

Cressbeckler for president!

[go8smosh]

"Homo sucking on is momma's dick" made me cry I was laughing so hard.

[EvilsOfFeminism]

At least this guy wouldn't lie his ass off in office.

[jeb31415]

This is fucking brilliant! I guess American-style conservative pundits are generous muses though.

[qhapaqinka]

541 people are Muhammadans.

[nomadballer93]

@qhapaqinka WTF?

[qhapaqinka]

@tomspin42 it's "a week on the privy" - referring to being stuck on the toilet for a week from eating salmonella-contaminated chicken.

[calixa]

give it to me sound on the goose.

[chrisonradio]

She's purdy for a chinese

[ConnorIsSteel]

Finally.. News I can relate to..

[taicleis]

Is this FOX news?

[misterphuck]

aint heard the last of the "tesla" fellow

[Fleshy91]

Don't vote, hide in mountains, kidnap children.

[Zanian19]

Haha, that old coot most definitely deserves his own show. 'Can't wait for the next one!

[ocergnairb]

LOL I love Chinese people but the "good girl" joke and expression Joad makes is hilarious

[dtoliaferro]

@ocergnairb Funny, because I hate Chinese people but found that comment to be just deplorable.

[thecapone45]

JOAD FOR PRESIDENT!!

[SierraPapaFoxtrot]

541 people didn't done stuck Jam to a horse and lost their minds.

[TheAwesome535]

Lil' homo suckin at his mommas dick

[tomthefunky]

Yup, liberals are little "pink pansies". They are the kind of girly-men blacks and Puerto Ricans target in subways.

Liberals are pathetic

[defdave]

"okay, good girl....she's purdy fer a chinese" lol

[InsertName125]

I think they hired this guy at a "town hall" meetin' talikin' 'bout DEATH PANELS.

[InsertName125]

FINALLY!!!

SOMEONE is speakin' for the tea party!!!

[kawaiigardiner]

@InsertName125 And he is coherent unlike the teabaggers.

[cmau14]

I would vote for this guy....

[MrKevMan]

Chicken Curse. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA

[deskset24]

To the self-isolationists who want to close themselves off to "politics": politics is what makes whatever laws exist. Laws against murder, theft, rape, etc are all caused by politics. We could choose to legalize murder, theft, rape, if we wanted to.

Wishing that "politics would go away" is like wishing quantum mechanics would stop operating. The ONLY way politics could cease for you is if all other humans disappeared. If there is even only ONE other human, you and that other human need to ..

[deskset24]

@deskset24 .. created ALGORITHMS (call them rules, laws, whatever) for the two of you to decide what is fair, and if one of you breaks that algorithm, you then need another algorithm to decide what to do - whether to fight back, punish, talk it over, etc.

But that's all politics IS.

[InsertName125]

@deskset24 Great comment. Fence sitting serves no purpose other than self-impalement.

[deskset24]

@InsertName125 Thank you. I am getting ill screaming this on the internet until I am blue in the face. :(

[FunkyFrank10]

This man is my hero.

[Robert111]

"You can sit for a while but keep your boots on." This is what I know tell all my visitos right up front at the door.

[gstar9000]

"Little homo sukin at his momma's dick" lool

[tigeradv]

this guy is not that far off from what you can see on fox news.

[impressingagent]

yeah they need to turn this into a real show. please!!

[BlueGlowingLight4]

Anyone else thinking there's a slight jibe behind Cress-BECK-ler?

[Zepirothica]

@mjswans & MiKikalwaShizaru

Politics make my balls hurt. I'd rather learn about something useful. Conservative this, liberal that. They can all go suck a dick! Why not talk about something more pertinant like atomic science or the history of fuckin easter island? What the hell is a neo-con anyways? That's how little I pay attention to that bullshit! I wish people would be more useful and build a better fuckin toilet or something. Goddamn!

[MiKikaIwaShizaru]

@Zepirothica

I really agree with you, I REALLY HATE politics, but unfortunately, it is what run governments and political parties and societies. I wish everything like that was thrown out the window, but face it, if you do not learn what is going on, then they can do what ever they want. I don't trust Republican or Democrats, I want a real free (not fixed) market with sensible oversight. Unfortunately, scummy people in power have rewarded their buddies since the beginning of time.

[mjswans]

@MiKikaIwaShizaru @ Zepirothica....

Just want to define the terms so they are not so muddy, and then we have time to do the pertinent things. But politics is becoming about illusion, so then it becomes important to single out those not for the country's best interests, but putting on a show ...which proves they couldn't get in on merit.

Basically when the heat is turned up there are only 2 sides. Conservative...for the Republic....and Liberal...for gov.freeloading hegemony over the populace.

[mkuriluk]

@mjswans

Conservative...for theocratic dictatorship...and Liberal...for individual freedom.

Just wanted to fix that part for you.

[mjswans]

@mkuriluk I was right the first time.

Read it again. This time without the reality filter on.

[mkuriluk]

@mjswans you're a fool if you think your neat little worldview has anything to do with reality, but thanks for sharing anyways.

[mjswans]

@mkuriluk

My 'neat little worldview' is reality.

Read it again. Maybe a simple summary that gets right to the point is not murky enough for your standards.

[HiMooHi]

Joad Cressbeckler is the only honest politician.

[DogSoldierFury]

3:20

Don Albert looks butthurt! xD

[JayLaMarr7]

i dislike this one because he addresses the chinese girl. . in his other clip they claim "Joad Cressbeckler" has never spoken to a foreigner in his life.  Still my favorite character ever.

[OgreMECH]

@JayLaMarr7 Well, she was cute for a chinese.

[vapidkunst]

Dude is so incomprehensible even the Onion's own closed captions are screwed up. Cressbeckler owns.

[utube8774]

This guy is nothing but a cheap imitation of Granny from the Beverley Hillbillies. His whole delivery, the way he postures and yells, grabs his gun....Hell maybe it IS Granny! Jed! EllyMay! Come quick! There's a guy on the tellyvision that looks just like my lost brother Joad!

[MiKikaIwaShizaru]

@utube8774

I have to admire your "Clampett/Cressbeckler analytical deconstruction", but unlike Granny, Joad can walk OVER the Cement Pond!

He is so steadfast in his opinions that even the pool water can't break (for) him!

[CaptStormwind]

YOU'RE A PINK PANZEE!!

Lol, I think I'd actually like to see an American act/talk like that... for my own entertainment of course.

[mcgoo721]

@CaptStormwind Vacation in west virginia. Plenty of these people, and some fun white water.

[torca1950ancola]

O'Reilly in two years xD

[mikeyboy236]

@torca1950ancola

I dont think O'reilly could come close to this guy, hes a big pussy

[halebolden]

he's like an angrier andrew jackson. fantastic.

[MiKikaIwaShizaru]

Colbert/Cressbeckler 2012!

(Colbert should invite him on the "Repore"!)

[benchmstr]

540 people approve of arabs scraping tha sky

[Boobalopbop]

@benchmstr Mohammadans

[cannedkitty]

This guy is the tea party carried to its logical end.

[arbe219]

CRESSBECKLER 2012!!! The best part is his PRE-DI-CATION list. "Aint heard the last of that Tesla Fellow" LOLZ!!!

[Wcoltd]

This is way funnier than Colbert.

[mjswans]

Dang, Glenn Beck must be doing something right for all the insults the 'progressives' toward communism are belching.

[MiKikaIwaShizaru]

@mjswans

You are correct!

To be able to persuade people to vote against their own self-interests is an absolute gift (I don't trust Obama either), and Glenn has it.

It is nothing short of amazing, and I'm being absolutely serious now.

We are gonna get "less" government all right, only more of the invisible clandestine fascist kind that's unaccountable to the citizens.

I wish Ron Paul was in the White House, and not the musical chairs sellouts. Tell me how Ron Paul inspired the Tea Party now...

[mjswans]

@MiKikaIwaShizaru

'invisible clandestine fascist 'kind?.......

Let me know why Ron Paul is not trashed by liberals.......Is he a moderate?  social liberal?

[MiKikaIwaShizaru]

@mjswans

Sorry, obscure reference to Top Secret Corporations working for Top Secret Government Agencies. It has been increasing since the 1990's under Clinton/Gore, even more so under Bush/Cheney and now Obama/Biden.

There will be a show on PBS' Frontline in January, "Top Secret America", if the NSA/CIA/FBI/Military use black budgets to fund private companies watching all of US with no oversight, then "less government" is psychological politics with NO chance of success.

watch?v=sTSjg6IGR8I

[MiKikaIwaShizaru]

I'm no expert as to why he is not "trashed", I don't agree with him on everything, but he is a rare commodity in Washington, a politician that takes on the big boys like the insanely crooked Federal Reserve. I think Ron Paul would call himself libertarian, but face it, he would have much less power if he left the Republican Party. I think he is honest, & some liberals & libertarians have something in common, defense of eroding civil liberties, even though lately the Dems are sellouts.

[mjswans]

@MiKikaIwaShizaru

If Ron Paul is a staunch neo-con, and I didn't know about it, then I have something to learn here, but if a 'libertarian' is another name for a social- liberal,-economic- conservative, then I'm not for him.

I wan't a Neo-con with social -conservative values as well, because liberal social values raised a bunch of liberals.

[generalfield]

that is my cous his name is george riddle

[theworddoner]

This is a spoof of Glenn Beck

[MiKikaIwaShizaru]

@theworddoner

Take that back, you lilly-livered pond scum-suckin' hound-dog-flea scratchin' varmit!

[Kizzyisgod]

More Joad!!!

[Didymosrules]

I think this guy would replace Glenn Beck. I hope.

[romantistcaveman]

Well, at least he's more literate than Glenn Beck.

[g1231]

540 people better git before black baby starts a-barkin'!

[romanpr1nce]

she's pretty for a chinese...

[TomerMMHA]

@romanpr1nce I believe it's pronounce "purty"

[henrythesteinberg]

"Give it to me sound on the goose"

[Kizzyisgod]

I wish this guy was my grandpa....

[Adventurejimbob]

Thumbs up if you know where this guy's first name came from. 

[marsmoke]

@Adventurejimbob "The Grapes of Wrath"

[Adventurejimbob]

@marsmoke Yep! Good job! :)

[Sileni]

What makes this so funny is it picks fun at every GOD DAMN thing and also, when ur finished watching this on Youtube realize the truth behind the bull or double meaning when Watching FOX. If that if ur cup of tea...

Fuck Fox-Tea-Bagger-Partiers.

[JDW96FLSTC]

This guy makes more sense than any demorat i have ever heard.

[M45terMiNd]

it should be "Mohammedans" and not "Mohammed Endson" ...lol how did they fuck up their own subtitles?

[realbeautyness25]

The chicken curse !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL

[V8Jagnut]

this is the best id say. my god thats funny.

[ctw005]

Ya know, that government always sneaks in when I'm half-seized over and purloins the very thread from my hanky!

Thats why I'll die before I'll vote and I don't respect no man what ain't lost a body part at war!

Damn right! We gotta take sanctuary in the mountains. Gotta steeeaaal the lil' children from the town and make our own army in the hills there.

You're a PINK PANSY! You talk about slittin that hog's throat ear-to-ear and you wanna caress it and call it sweet Sally!

[dillonator42]

Hahaha nearly shit myself at "That black president" XD Totally didn't see it coming

[123121s1]

that last line ("sucking at his mama's dick") is just stupid, seems so out of character. other than that, really fun

[WorshipInTruth]

This guy is much easier to listen to then the real news, makes a lot more sense as well.

[LiberalDemocrat83]

FOX News WOULD give him a show.

[jmorgan87]

They need to hire a closed caption specialist because the guy guessing the words in the deit room ain't even close. All the videos are captioned incorrectly. 

[simonjeste]

@jmorgan87 it's very possible that the Onion transcripts are intentionally wrong... especially with JOAD I mean wtf is he saying half the time...

[kyba74]

this guy is great!! More of joad Cressbeckler please!!!

[eanerbeaner]

Fuck being Politicly correct. I hate that shit. I love this guy though

[svenskcanadian]

lol at 'nother war

[ALPHADESIGNTAMPICO]

DAMN! I need to study more english cause I couldn't get what he was saying most of the time! :| Fortunatly this video has subtitles XD This videos are great!

[atltom58]

lol shes purty for chinese...

[peterlows]

10/10...I would vote for him in 2012 regardless what ticket he runs on.

[sevsquad]

Closed caption is great

[flamenewt]

Joad is the future of America. He knows Obama's policies are just more of the same Abraham Lincoln Federal government nonsense that's gonna try to stop us from makin our moonshine out in the middle of injun territory. The only answer is to go to public places carrying rifles and yell loudly.

[1watchnU2]

@flamenewt HELL YEA!