FDA Approves Depressant Drug For The Annoyingly Cheerful

[ccaian1]

I gave this to my mom and now she doesn't want to eat, sleep or move anymore.

She keeps saying weird things about 9/11 and the jews, HELP??!!!!

[justinjism]

do you know what its like to be around these people... its pretty fucking annoying

[EbonyWaters]

"Now Jeff and I can just waste the night sitting on a couch watching a tv show neither of us enjoy, like a regular couple." HAHAHAA that killed me. So much snarky sarcasm, I love the Onion.

[OldMateAdlay]

is this fake?

[lazy4295]

@OldMateAdlay Yes, Onion News are just imitating and extensively mocking them =P Nothing else to it.

[superdumbshit]

@OldMateAdlay No its not fake . the Onion is the most reputibale news source in the world . Don't let the people who tell you it is fake silence the truth .

[SirGabriel2076]

Be careful what you wish for!

[bashie34]

I am taking the drug right now its called WCB; I am slowly getting off of it.

[Anon371]

Soma?

[Anon371]

I wish this was real.

[Q8379]

@Anon371 *were

[TheForgottenEagle]

I hate stupidly happy people.

Therefore, I love this drug.

[Emper0rH0rde]

The world needs more annoyingly cheerful people!

[bunniansprouse]

What the hell is with that Capella University add?

[TheOnlyPoptart]

cool benz

[ronaldcorreatv]

YES! I hate theme parties.

But I sometimes hate it when TheOnion isn't reality.

[Punkutatvidz]

Pinkie Pie needs to start taking this stuff.

[rapidspit]

rofl following the news

[AlienBusDriver]

i'd take cheerful over non communicative

[Thegearsdude1235]

He he if this was real I would spike it so many people's drink -3

[LaPetiteSayaHime]

My psych prof showed us this in class because he helped write it...<3

[AdmiralBetas]

@LaPetiteSayaHime Not bad, wish my prof worked with the Onion :I

[supraguy2jzgte]

my girlfriend is from Connecticut!!!!!!!!!! :D

[funnguns]

my god if only this truly existed.

[585788]

noʎ ʞɔnɟ <--- i think that looks cool as shit

[pacemaker2point0]

156 annoyingly cheerful people disliked this. Fuck you, cheery fuckers!

[DangerousDan77777]

@pacemaker2point0 I agree, the fucking cheerful Rat Bastards! noʎ ʞɔnɟ

[ronaldcorreatv]

Hell yeah! Fuck you cousin! I'll get you this goddamn thing!

[Winterascent]

Finally the help I need!

[bollocks2who]

Jesus! My sister is so fucking annoyingly cheerful! I must force her to take this!!

[jescadw]

Before Despondex, I would have said it was just wonderful! And sooooo funny I could just die!!!!! But thanks to this miracle drug, all I can say is....Meh.

[ostietoaste]

I laughed so hard at 1:35! XD Can anyone care to explain to me the joke behind kinko's employees? My guess is that they have a reputation of being depressing or jaded. The ONN rules!

[cakedoodle]

Great satire!



[WolvesBestFriend]

What's wrong with having a persistent positive outlook on life?

[soyuncatacol]

@WolvesBestFriend- Nothing. This is fake

[WolvesBestFriend]

@soyuncatacol I know.

[bollocks2who]

@WolvesBestFriend Well look at it this way: why must you be happy all the time? Why must you think everything is and always will be fine? LMAO!!

[KlingonSpider]

cool beans

[hawk151515]

I wonder how many takes it took just to get the "Doctor" not to laugh lol XD

[Natedawg422]

Of all the stories that The Onion comes up with, why could'nt this one be true? I see two people like this on a daily basis that really get under my skin with their chipper attitudes. One of them actually said "Cool Beans" to me earlier today while I was doing tediously mind numbing work and I wanted to throw a rock at his head.

[ale189251]

Brave new world

[superblip]

@ale189251 Equilibrium

[donnelloutlaw]

Wow really? This helps people...

I mean, this must be crowded with dull people. What? being happy and probably enjoying your life is what society calls 'abnormal'? If its personally a problem then fine but wtf. Really? Everyone have their stigmas. Avoidance and probably telling them the truth that the person is really annoying might help but... what's wrong with being optomistic. Being dull and "normal" must be all the rav, huh?

[majav15mg]

@donnelloutlaw It's a joke sir.

[zecchinoroni]

@donnelloutlaw Google "the onion"....

[donnelloutlaw]

@zecchinoroni

Ok. I get it.  Thanks.

[caseyjones336]

natural treatment: interacting with kinkos employees.

[TheYouwontgetit]

finally... ...those fuckers are just annoying...

[chickyfinn]

It's about time!

[TlGBC]

THIS IS JUST COOL BEANS

[monotirado]

this will work for my friend she is f@#ng annoying

[365275]

Superb. Even by Onion standards, this is wonderful... 

[dzstorm12]

lol we watched this in my psychology class

[Blankname101]

@dzstorm12 lol

[DaGavinX]

They should make this. I really hate random people thinking I want to talk to them.

[NickyAmerica]

"Natural ways to feel shitty:

Considering mans impact on Nature"

Onion news, I love you.

[klm4298]

Cool beans lol.

[stinkyglasses]

Happy people are annoying on Facebook as well "xx omg im so fckn happy!!! :) xxxxxx!" But then again so are sad people to a lesser extent "FML :( etc".

[davkilla101]

Actually, there are already medications like this, they're called "Anti-manic" Medications, the most commonly used one is Lithium.

[IToldHimNotToDoIt]

@davkilla101 I know I dont think anyone with experience in taking psychiatric drugs will be able to fully appreciate this.

[haymaker710]

I think I'm on Despondex right now.

[ps3hater221]

i hate annoying happy people more than emos

[felixvc]

you know what else is annoying

is people saying I love you onion

or I love you jack

or some shit

you don't love them

and they would be disgusted to hear it

[geiuy]

any drug that has lithium in it has this type of effect

[Rajyrr]

I love how this is the exact opposite of the reality that exists with depressed people. It's about time someone pointed out cheery people are more annoying than depressed people. X D

[TheGreaterGood80]

"Cool beans" doesn't bother me. "Have a good one" is what drives me crazy. Seriously....have a good WHAT? A good day? A good night? A good time? A good lay? Shut up and take your Despondex

[AvalonJoyous666]

LOL the natural way to feel shitty : junk food and sitting on your ass lmao

[zzyzx0788]

This needs to be dished out to the majority of Facebook users so I can stop reading about how great of a time everyone had every day

[ahaetulla]

How sad. I am glad there is a treatment available for these poor souls.

[savana906]

This doctor sure is sad....

[dadevi]

@savana906 He probably uses Despondex himself.

[Xaxton2]

There already is a drug that does that; it's called, "Ritalin."

[666CthulhuIsMyBitch]

@Xaxton2 What are you talking about?! Ritalin is fucking dope, dude, I just took 45 mg, feelsgoodman.jpg

[Xaxton2]

@666CthulhuIsMyBitch Yeah, but it doesn't make you feel cheerful like the people in the video used to be.

[MrGamui]

@Xaxton2 ~storyofmylife~

[J88Wolf]

If only this was true. :(

[dojahfox929]

its just like kids in the halls brain candy . they ripped this idea off

[TheEloeo]

I hate those cheery cunts.

[akissy]

Sad thing is that many people would buy this for their classmates, spouse,mother, children, etc. if it were true...

[TheAfroTriangulator]

"Now Jeff and I can just waste a night sitting on the couch, watching a tv show neither of us enjoy" *Agreeing Sound* "Like a normal couple" loool so funny. Cool beans... jkes

[Blinkwing]

PROZIUM?

[M0EJ0EKING]

COOL BEANS!

finally a cure for people like me

[Killur10]

Wait wait wait wait wait, according to the 1913 Webster dictionary that The Collaborative International Dictionary of English v.0.48 keeps referencing for some reason, "cheery" is synonymous with all three provided definitions of gay. So these prescription depressants are for people who are insufferably gay? Get some of that shit to Marcus Bachmann!

[pinkcooky]

Some girls at my school need this-_-

[BluePanthersParty]

Love it! So funny yet so sad as this is exactly what psychiatry is all about.

[ETericET]

I am a bit scared of big Pharma and any prescription drug. I always look for a natural remedy first. I have found a good substitute for Despondex is looking at my bank statement.

[Ljungman42]

Cool beans!!!

[Quadroblitz]

If only this was real.

[4444randomness]

Everyone at my dentist's office needs this ASAP!

[mlmr11]

personalized license plates ! LOL

[sixpointneuf]

I am attending a United World College and everybody there needs this drug

[TorgosMaster]

The anchor is Bobbie Battista former host of CNN's "Talkback Live". Apparently she now works for the Onion. Maybe she took too much Despondex and fell on hard times?

[DudeGamer8]

its pretty fucking annoying to have 2 same top comments quoting the same fucking phrase from the same fucking video.

[kztar621]

@DudeGamer8 COCKS!

[ShadowRun221]

@DudeGamer8 It's pretty fucking annoying to have two same Top Comments quoting the same fucking phrase from the same fucking video. I agree.

[Stealthsuit07]

Perhaps it would prevent people from using annoying cominbations of letters, like "lol" and "xD".

No really, shut the fuck up people.

[MatchCard]

@Stealthsuit07 lol xD... oh shit I think I need that drug!!

[compwiz309]

LOL interacting with Kinko's employees listed as one of the natural treatments.

[russjones1000]

Oh, great! We're getting closer and closer to Big Pharma's wet dream - total drug dependency for everybody! Remember that comic who played the strung-out pharmacist, "Just take a pill....take a pill!" Forget predrug history, forget there were times when people could handle life without mother's little helper.  Don't worry, there are drugs to help you forget all that.

[Azadeth666]

@russjones1000 And here comes the BIG PHARMA conspiracy theorist who, no surprise, doesn't get the joke.

There are no pills to cure stupidity or lack of a sense of humor I'm afraid, so you're better off just killing yourself.

[redephelant]

@russjones1000 HAW HAW HAW.

[ExtraBigAssFries1]

@russjones1000 This video is a joke, dumbass, lmao.

[Strikerklm96]

"interacting with kinko's employees"

[SerbianCobra]

or just watch fox news...

[NSHouston19]

Just smoke weed

[WeedyFlash]

Wow this is real? I can't believe people don't want to be happy!! that's just crazy and weird......

[ElenarMT]

@WeedyFlash Say with me; SATIRE the use of irony, sarcasm, ridicule, or the like. IT IS A JOKE!!!

[PrettyLittleLadybug7]

this is crazy!! i cant beleive this is real omg!

[JadedStar01]

I need to slip this in a few drinks.

[xXGshadow186Xx]

"Do you know what its like to be around these people its pretty f*cking annoying." Ironicaly True The Onion i love you

[Ruben25G]

god my sister needs this shiet

[infrafan]

Dr. Chris Cooper finally did it!

[MrBigEnchilada]

this is not fake....drug companies nowadays try to assign a name to every condition and a drug for every "illness"....i mean, there are so much other things you can do besides taking pills to make yourself healthier...

[MrBigEnchilada]

lol its pretty ***** annoying

[MrMattmart]

Cool beans.

[JerryJrt]

Where can I purchase this wonderdrug?

[gyqz]

Thinking about giving this to my neighbour's kid.....he's got adhd!

[zionmaster01]

I wish this was real i know a few people id love to give this too.

[killerbiller35]

this is funny, but at the same time i know at least 4 people who i would secretly give this drug to.

[KafkaWinstonWorld]

is this a joke? Like a Saturday Night Live commercial - in the 70's, Sat Night Live had a coke - pepsi taste test, but it was a soda anda tennis ball; i thought it was a real commercial (I was stoned) . So, please tell me this is a joke---

[d3221ck]

my friend who was depressed took this and commited suicide, so please talk to your doctors first.

[ramoneschick83]

LOL!

[GabrielMartinFlores]

I think there are a number of my friends (particularly my UK contingent) that think I need a strong Rx of this... ;-) HAVE FUN!! :-D

[MrJoel397]

Fred needs this medication instead of whatever he's currently taking.

[brystonfan]

the fda kills people, fuck the fda, fucken greedy bastards

[davitodude]

I use the natural way to feel shitty.

[B1shop021]

Its still very funny but "Sony piece of shit" video is still much funnier

[DemonWolfOfShadows]

We need combustible lemons to go with this. Just sayin'...

[13Razgriz37]

@DemonWolfOfShadows Maybe we can skullfuck their houses, with the lemons!

[DemonWolfOfShadows]

We need combustible lemons go go with this. Just sayin'...

[cokemanpac]

i do kinda hate when people say cool beans tho

[dzstorm12]

thank god this is a joke.... that would just be too wierd..

[Rainbowsaftertherain]

So funny! So glad that we have cheery, happy, positive people--wish we had more! I hope people know this is a joke!

[coolkeedd]

@Rainbowsaftertherain to bad the fact its freakin annoying isnt a joke

[space455]

Now we can waste the night away, sitting on the couch, watching a tv show neither of us enjoy.. like a regular couple

[TedEdFred21]

who needs a pill when you've got a soldering iron?

[MrEduardKhil]

Pinkie Pie needs to use over a 100 doses of this.

[Brittonsp]

I wish this was real. Perpetually chirpy people irritate the shit out of me, especially first thing in the morning before I've even had my 4th cup of coffee.

[salemzarves]

this is bullshit

[deaddirtycarnie]

"Interacting with Kinko's employees" is a natural depressant. I knew it.

[matthewagi]

1:51 awsomeee :P

[leetatron]

You know, this drug might actually be helpful to some people. My former leader had a way of spinning every situation to a positive. Sometimes, when a normal person is feeling down, the best way to help them is to make your own life sound worse than theirs.

[NathanTaylorPHS]

I'm annoyingly cheerful so i'd probably take the bottle and throw it you (:

[preemptivestrike20]

"It's pretty fucking annoying" LOL!

[fashionbug9880]

my friend needs that, not because she's too happy, but because she asks for so many hugs a day that I HATE hugs now lol

[jpm4444]

If this isnt' proof that the drug companies want us on meds for life, I dont know what is. Drugs for being too happy? Sedation?

I'm in the medical field and Drug companies are now trying to make it legal to give 2 year olds antidepressants. The u.s. are a bunch of drug addicts and the drug companies are the pushers

[optimistsRUS]

@jpm4444

I share your concern about drug companies wanting to keep us on meds for life but this particular story was a satire, a fake story. TheOnion is a fake news source.

[Arbiter0917]

ADD... yeah...

[theadrianduron]

@Arbiter0917 ADD people arent always happy. theyre just hyper. well if you have ADHD. ADD kids are just unfocused

[kvanmete7675]

AW SHIT! i don't wanna take that drug.... =[ :D

[5280ftprmi]

If Despondex doesn't work for you try typeing in Depressamine at the youtube browser (same idea) . Loved this rendition. keep up the good work!

[5280ftprmi]

If Despondex doesn't work for you try typeing in Depressamine at the youtube browser (same idea) .  Loved this renditionl. keep up the good work!

[uprussia]

They can't be serious! ;) ooh, smiley thing, better get medicated with Despondex. Could only come from the US (no offence intended)

[xephondp]

1:51 "its pretty fucking annoying"

[clint252]

For a minute I thought that was real. I wouldn't put anything pass those crazy phychs

[thegirlwiththehoodie]

I'm so glad my psych professor sent us this... :D

[Adicted2Anime777]

despondex=alcohol? Depressant is the opposite of an accelerant.....it's a real thing.....

[Athils]

This sort of makes me feel bad about hating these kinds of people.

[LORDCYBERSAURUS]

I use cool beans all the time O.O

[YumeNoMatsuri]

I would buy this and slip it into the drinks of half a dozen people.

[gtasahomo]

The woman's before and after pictures on the packaging is great! 

[lizard528]

144 people didn't like this video

[meggwtw]

Junk food and sitting on your ass, pretty awesome

[JeffKnorek]

can't....stop....laughing....



[marrenhaneberg]

"Do you know what it's like to be around these people? It's pretty fucking annoying"

[851852093114208513]

Damnit, Onion... Can't you be real for just this once..?...

[TheJomogogo]

We should give Despondex to all teen age girls they are too fucking happy to suit me.

[farneyblakeley]

depressed is the new normal, thanks HAARP, hope it's worth it

[CHawc]

What's really sad is that i wish this one were true. Fucking "chipper" people from Wisconsin >:C

[mandixpf]

Brilliant!

[CodyTheRichter]

So I guess 280 million Americans are just naturally depressed and or boring?

[patsy201]

April Fools!

[JackholeDiary]

I want this when I turn 50 so i can insure being the crankiest old bat on the block! Get of my yard ya hooligans!

[giantblue]

"Natural ways to feel shitty."

Priceless.

[KillBaddBugz]

"...the battle against exuberance"... ROFL