Congressman Makes Preemptive Apology For Extramarital Affair

[TheOkami1113]

Pillsbury biscuits? I never thought of that!

[TheMerriamLookout]

Probably with Weiner

[EnviousEyes23]

Deaf teenage runaways? Screw my career in politics!

[lynn2225]

"Several hours?" I doubt it. Well...maybe with some viagra!

[KalamitiMusic]

What an honest man!

[Ruthlesscritic]

Wow, until the he got to the whips this sounded exactly like a real politician's apology if you take out the future tense. 

[marine5546]

At least he was honest about it and didn't try to hide it like many politicians do these days.

[SuperTruth77]

Last year I went to a funeral of a 62YO woman in our theatre group.

It was a lovely &well-attended send-off, but there was a guy sitting at the back who removed his coat to reveal a T-shirt saying “I shagged [deceased’s name] in 1982!!” Obviously this upset everyone (especially her husband), but he could not be persuaded to remove it or go.

Turns out he was a genuine old flame encouraged by some 2-bit TAXPAYER-FUNDED counsellor to “confront his past” with ridiculous stunts like this…

[Kr4zi4ur0mg]

LOL HAHAHA , subscribed HAHAHAHA

[williusethis]

Novwlty Chattering teeth still filibustering? I love them.

[Athils]

@williusethis If filibusters were that inventive, I would totally watch C-Span

[OldSchoolSkill]

"I appologize to Pillbury buttermilk buscuits?!"

OMG! DUODIUiuwejjk!! flruggle choke

[kinduvabigdeal]

Wow. John Edwards and Elliot Spitzer shoulda did this.

[quickieshoup]

Every new congressman should do this on their first day...you know preemptive apology...just to get it out of the way before they start fucking shit up.

[figaz555]

Easily one of the funniest ones.

[bluesquirellbaby]

nice choice...adultery is actually illegal in New Hampshire

[MrSafetymeeting]

Congressmen don't do that kind of stuff. Outrageous!

[poodledreams]

The funniest thing ever! Serously I have watched this 7 times and I can hardly breathe from laughing!

[llamapj]

Pillsbury? lolz

[GalaticTG]

That would be a great way to break up with someone.

[Bearkiller777]

LOL...

[ModernDayMinority13]

Seriously what do people expect him do with what's gonna happen, jump into some kinda time machine and go furward in time and stop himself from doing what he's about to do?

[mrbadx19]

i'm surprised the onion isn't sued for all the wet adult diapers it causes with these videos!

[Sabohaque]

If you put transcribe audio on its hilarious when he talks about pillsbury's product

[blaxican20]

"the liaison i will be taking part in shortly with two poor, deaf teenage runaways"

and

"it hurts me more than you will ever know that this scandal i am running late to will impact your life so terribly"

[michaelbme]

The title made me literally dizzy while laughing.

[ToxicOdiousOne]

Why didn't Tiger Woods do this?

[homestarrunnerfan226]

lol!! the places he talks about in the video are REAL PLACES!! i know that because i live in dc!! (and it's near my high school)

[DameDracaufeu]

@homestarrunnerfan226 -- Yeah, well I live in the 2nd district of NH. While I certainly believe he could represent Concord and Nashua, he would be shunned by Hanover (and Keene). If he was from Berlin, he would be apologizing for arson (LOL).

[msginca]

Hysterically Funny!!!

The Onion ***Always*** delivers!!!

[steve0crzy]

LOL!! .. Pillsbury refrigerated buttermilk biscuits..

[sdgdsgs]

why should the people lose such a great man over this?! its not like he can go into the future and change whats about to happen!

[oneofonex1]

hilarious....

[bretp99]

Poor congressman White. If only he could go back in time and undo what he is about to do. Foresight is 20/20, so if you see him on the way to commit this depraved act, pray for him. At least he took responsibility before it was too late.

[EvenEvenOdd]

Genius writing! Genius acting! Genius directing!

[Zeratul0831]

kinda like the Imminent Dam Disaster video lol

[freedomsfart]

I can watch Stephen Colbert (an example of one of the better ones) for half an hour and not so much as giggle, but EVERY Onion video has me entertained and laughing. The people behind these videos constitute pure comic genius.

[Fancysymbol]

he's trying not to laugh

can barely even get breath in at the end

[infinitedreams56]

Emphasis on the "pre-emptive" lmfao

[torgausen]

This was not up to Onion standards. Would have been more fun imo with more understatements and subtle hints.

[RaynorX]

This seems like the same thing as the Dam Accident one.

[hiddenshot1407]

"Linda, I am about to betray your trust." "Before the hotel kicks me out at the noise of whips."

lmao

[theworm1244]

YAY NEW HAMPSHIRE!

new hampshire is teh shit

[NHwild184]

Bout time NH got some attention!!

[yoursaxman]

Pillsbury Refrigerated Buttermilk Biscuits!

hahahahah!

[ToManyPhones]

Sanford should have done this.

[Prothromos0107]

New Hampshire? This is so tragic, everyone knows that no one in New Hampshire is heterosexual. He must be referring to "little boy teenagers."

[NoClassPranking]

If only every politician was this honest...

[iwishiwasdancing]

whoa this is actually really sad...

[mjerina77]

NEW HAMPSHIRE is so fucking gay

[taintitwonderfull]

If I was a politician this is so how I would want to retire.

[toonadict]

"novelty chattering teeth still filibustering"

Bout damn time someone capitilized on that idea, i thought of that when i was 14 after learnin what filibuster meant. If you can go up and read great gatsby to congress then surely you can let chattering teeth dominate the podium

[Xxajanae97xX]

these videos are the best satirical parodies on pop culture everrrrrrrrrrr!

[farubino]

lol this is brilliant. and if you seriously consider how ridiculous the notion of a congressman giving such an ostentatious and self-deprecating speech before the fact is, it becomes apparent how disingenuous these speeches are when made in the aftermath.

[Trisscarr]

Lollerific

[vp1981ad]

The ending headline: "Novelty Chattering Teeth Still Fillibustering"! The Onion is so random and so brilliant!

[Raykak]

It's not random at all.

[BornConfusing]

This is a really smart idea. I think all congressmen should do this

[tejaspics]

Goddam these guys are funny! Good work and keep rockin!

[DanCfan01]

I'll be there, Congressman. BTW Is this party BYOPDTR ..... Bring Your Own Poor Deaf Teenage Runaway??

[Evilcat7]

"novelty chattering teeth still filibustering"

lol, if you get this

[bsriggs]

I wonder if my wife would be cool with me preemptively appologizing for an affair. lol

[kingofschnitzels]

stfu fag... whats with all the porn ads?

[n2motocross]

Hilarious!

[demos182]

when he said

"this affair......that i am running late to"

oh god the onion...so sweet

[soulhunger1]

Who the hell writes this? They must have borrowed the writers from the MXC crew. It's just as brilliant, just less innuendo.

[ch0p86]

in-your-endo

[eminentjonfrost]

LOL

Pillsbury... xD

[kij03D]

yummie :P

[SmokingBulldog08]

Looks like some people don't know what The Onion is...

[terk0iz]

You're not being funny.

[Enturbulant]

Werd .

[SnackPatrol]

dudw wtf y doesnt he jus not do it

[Jrv2005]

You. Are. Fucking. Retarded.

[lung1019]

atleast this guy is honest

[Jerry2665]

you mean you never did the biscuit thing

[theFlyingGarnet]

Call me naive but... what the heck is the biscuit thing about?

[DanCfan01]

Its called Pigs in a Blanket. It involves having biscuits and/or hotdogbuns wrapped around certain parts of the male genitalia then devoured by deaf teenage runaways perferably with butter and/or jelly

[Kickagnome]

I found your comment to be the highlight of my day.

You sir, are indeed truly a funny man.

I would bow before you if you were in front of me.

[DanCfan01]

Dude, they had to burn down the Washington Plaza Hotel after we were done.

[DanCfan01]

I assume he'll be making Pigs in a Blanket with those biscuits

[BlackJavaBean]

The apology to Pillsbury is classic!

[robertmoneymaker999]

"the liaison I will be taking part in shortly with two poor, deaf, teenage runaways,"

That's my favorite kind of teenager!

Anyone notice, btw, how he doesn't mention the gender of the teenagers?

[Phox02]

so this is what it would be like if the gov't is honest

[ralphieboogerbottoms]

Finally! Honest government we can count on to betray us! The Federal Reserve should take notes.

[colonelmatterson]

The Federal Reserve does take notes. Treasury notes. Duh!

[Anayo]

"Novelty chattering teeth still fillibustering"

I nearly wet my pants when I read that. XD

[Fred13B]

At least he's thorough in his apology...

[nylonsweet]

ah if only clinton did the same LOL

[chivazrigol]

"I will not have sexual relations with that woman. But I will wear her underpants"

[nylonsweet]

LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

[IrishEyez01]

lol this is funny

[Nextel025]

Hmm, so true

[ttoale]

I came.

[rCelia92]

this is priceless.

[StoneTemp1Pilot]

I know people who make those biscuits.

[ajtp2008]

cool!!

[PackersXLII]

seriously fuck you guys learn to laugh at what's funny and not find criticism with every fucking thing jesus christ.

[stupidmonkey666]

hi you must be new to youtube welcome aboroad.

[sootsmoker]

you must also be new, learn to never make spelling errors, "aboard" :P

[chivazrigol]

You are both classic youtubers. Not exactly the brightest stars in the firmament.

[qqs764]

Firmament? Not the brightest of analogies.

[chivazrigol]

If you want to hear about dark holes I will have to mention your mom.

[qqs764]

That's alright, because I've had yours.

[gregpi]

"until the early hours of tomorrow morning

when the hotel kicks me out due to all the noise

the whips and teenagers are making" :-) hehehe

[bennnlowe]

take it easy benedict. I have nothing against devout christians such as yourself, but when one of them cries satanic over a harmless comedy I am understandably pissed off.

[Timeeye]

You're just mad because you didn't think of it first.

[plumsforsale]

anyone know the name of the classical piece that plays at the end?

[thehymner]

what to do with biscuits? can i know?

[Wishbringer3]

one of the best.. top 5 for sure

[JimmyInSC]

These guys are great

[bigvernanos]

That was hillarious! One of the Onion's best. I'm still laughing...

[Clembo]

The Day Today is pleased by this.

[onjai88]

lol... awesome.. i love the creativeness of Onion News

[HoneiiDiiva]

so evil I love it!

[DaBombShelta]

What I am about to use them for is utterly unforgivable

[jazzx251]

that was one of the Onion's best. Grinning from ear to ear :)

[ronkorz]

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO­LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO­LOLOLOLOl... um thats really funny!!

[vamnews]

What about the whipped cream and Cheez-Whiz? Didn't think that was worth mentioning? Don't you think that wouldn't not scar your children?

Simply reprehensible!!!

[tjsams18]

this scandal that I am running late to

[Icix1]

lol buttermilk biscuits

[cfh2558]

Christianity has turned into what the Christians want it to be. Don't get me wrong, I'm a Christian and I have my own faith, but I can see through the BS that man has made of my religion. There's nothing wrong with debating over religious views and stuff, but when it gets to the point of "No, I'm right, fuck your point of view" is where things get messed up.

And besides... this is supposed to be funny. Just relax, chill out, and have a laugh.

[sethcat99]

well it is NH. My home.

[dAvrilthebear]

that was good! you've done it now!

[ThePrincesBride]

"Finally, I apologize to the makers of Pillsbury Refrigerated Buttermilk Biscuits, that your fine product will be associated in the minds of so many customers with what I'm about to use them for, is highly unfortunate and unforgivable."

XD

[MasterRahl7]

How the heck do all of you wind up getting into a religious debate over an onion clip? I don't know if all of you know this, but onion news isn't real. Sorry to ruin it for you. Don't take any of this seriously, have a good laugh, maybe post a lmao that was funny, then go away.

[macdaddi88]

well said

[zachbresl]

The bible is lies, written by men.

The tooth fairy never came, Santa was a lie, Why is Jesus different? That is a rhetorical question, I know some of you are already telling me he died for my sins.

Die for your own sins.

[Kamikazeesouled]

"tooth fairy" "santa" "Jesus" Because the tooth fairy and Santa was mentioned in the Bible. Seriously, let people believe whatever they want, just because you think you are right doesn't mean you have to make it a mission to "educate" everyone.

[VictorRovial]

But he did! I'm sure its in a white house memo somewhere... Tony Snow talked about it on C-span sometime.

[DeterminationStudios]

Not bad, but the onion has better videos....... and I'm not sure I understand PoeticAdaption's view point............ at all.

[benstolen59]

I apoligize to my wife, and family, for the anguish, and ridicule i will inflict upon them,beginning in 3 hours from now, while indulging and abusing drugs, alcohol, and 2 double-jointed asian teenagers.

[RuneSPS]

look at all these dumb asses who watch the news too much, they are hypnotized by the fucking lying media that they believe this funny stuff LOL!!!!

[testing4echo]

Proactivity is a wonderful virtue. I forgive him in advance. ;)

[dfugly1]

Is this meant to be educational or something ?

i have been using that tactic for years , which reminds me , i got to apologize to some people tomorrow about my shameful inexcusable ,lustful , drunken behavior towards their mother at they're wedding in three weeks time

[darkembassymusic]

hahaha! no u dumbass! Its a spoof channel about the News!

[DefaultPosition]

It's great that politicians have started doing this. I respect this guy.

[eventzz]

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO­OOL

Onion is so funny

[NoncentsProductions]

Haha.

[n3xTgeneratiONgaming]

THATS SUCH A GREEN SCREEN

[12caredee21]

fotochoppd!1

[somersetdc]

New Hampshire doesn't mind, dude. Have a good time! hehe

[iilikefeet]

fuck you eat shit

[yousedcarguy]

this is a good example of what public address by public officials would be like if they could only speak the truth like in the movie liar liar, wouldn't it be awesome

[glaked23]

I think the people that believe this video is real are funnier than the vid it's self and the vid is pretty funny. But seriously why would you believe this is real? Who would do this?

[incoming50]

I don't know whats funnier.

The video.

OR THE PEOPLE WHO THINK THIS IS REAL!!!

[pandayaper]

Now let's see someone apologize DURING the extramarital affair.

[xXWeezerXx]

the mistake i will spend several hours later.

:]

[RebelLoneWolf]

You do realize this is a fake report, or are you just not a fan of satire?

[kaikaichen]

Oh give it a rest, would you?

And while you're at it, would you like to buy some proper grammar?

[babakunush]

Lmfao!

I love you dude, you just made my day

[ammoMtaFoY]

Not only does your grammar suck, but you're a bigoted nationalist retard. When you're ready to grow up and pull your head out of your ass, we might be able to discuss this like grown-ups. It's amazing how some people think the world's problems can be resolved by hate and scapegoating.

[d0md0mt0mt0m]

hypocrit

[ammoMtaFoY]

There's a difference between anger and flat-out hate. I was exhibiting the former, while PoeticAdaptation was exhibiting the latter.

[td000]

Whoooooooooooooooooooooooo what

[xgotarox]

why is it always pigs?! :( "pig" isn't even a meaningful insult to me.. why don't you call me something else? "conservative" or "christian" or something..

[PoeticAdaptation]

you're religious are ignorants!!! church of CHRISTIAN are stupidly wars in oiling!!! do not sucking my grammars if you hypocrites!!!!1!

[xgotarox]

this is what i got out of it:

"you are ignorant and religious!!!! the CHRISTIAN church is stupidly going to war over oil!!! don't make fun of my grammar, you hypocrites!!!!1!"

now THAT'S an insult! lol. i'm 100% with you on that one, buddy! ;) the ignorant, religious, christian americans who love war DO suck at grammar! they really make us look bad.. :( we should do something about them..

[WorshipInTruth]

The Christian church is "stupidly" going to war over oil? Hmm, you must be confused. I was pretty certain it was the American government that did that and not the "Christian church". Seems to be that you are the one acting "stupidly".

[xgotarox]

your quotes kind of confuse me.. so you're saying that the government is the one at war, and that it isn't a stupid move, right?

have you seen the movie "jesus camp"? it's not very long.. you should watch it. since the loudest conservatives are republican, and since they are also traditionally christian, the influence they have on the war over oil pretty much makes them representative of it.

i don't really feel like the christian religion has anything to do with it.. (defensive habit)

[WorshipInTruth]

I never said it was a stupid move, I said blaming Christians for something done by the government is a stupid move. Can you blame Christians for the fact that we are in Iraq and Afghanistan right now? Obama has the power to take them out, he even promised too? So why didnt he? It is the military industrial complex, it has nothing at all to do with Christianity. George Bush is about as Christian as Stalin, they are FAKE Christians who use religion as front to please their constituents.