Talking About An Event That Happened When I Was Young, Part II

[MegaMesmes]

You look great at 40! Keep up your wonderful work and honesty....

[suzanne12561]

Ha, got more of these experiences than I'd like to have. Somewhere around forty, I was out riding bicycles with my two kids. As we rode past a local ball field with both guys and girls playing baseball, some guy screamed "hey look, that guy's wearing a bra...are you wearing panties too." One of the girls told him to stop, but I was mortified. Fortunately, (unlike your experience) these weren't my peers, but the words still haunt me.

[anita000000ful]

am still living that sometimes. now @the moment. but things happen when they Should happened , there is a reason for everything, happy your far better today

[Naren789]

i love your voice. so girly and im sorry that happens to you sister. i'm cambodian transsexuals here as well. i really want my voice to be really girly like you but most of my friends never told me my voice. like a man...omg too much problem sometime

[Panixable]

Meghan, that was a horrible thing that happened to you. I strongly suspect that the so called "scoutmaster" was some sort of pedophile. Under no circumstances should any child be forced into undressing in a public place. Hopefully you can heal now that so many years separate you from that obscene event at the hands of adults that were charged with your care.

[paulus842000]

I was touched by your video and it made me think back to when I was 12 or 13 when I first reaised who I realy was.I could never talk to my family about me being transexuelle. In the end I left and started my own life and have started to have more confidence in myself. Im hopefully going to start hrt soon "mid june" Im feeling already that im starting to live the best times of my life

[the0siren0of0night]

...also, i wore girls underwear to school when it was a surprise P.E. day...i didnt know what to do, so i kicked a wall to get out of the activities...

[the0siren0of0night]

something like that happened to me...but i was about half that age when it happened...

[a912lancer]

i was 12 and like you i was wearing girls underwear at school i had a accident when i sliped over on a wet floor and broke me leg well i was taken o hosptial and the nurse cut off my pants with a strugge from me but i couldnt do much she noticed and kind of gave me a reasuing look and gave me a sheet to cover up wow was a close one mum walked in just after and no one found out other than that nurse

[Leona1950]

Megan,

I had a similar series of traumatic events at home, in the Boy Scouts & during high school which only served to make a transgendered child feel more and more isolated. It drove me to be very independent early and to suicidal behavior & heavy drug use by the time I was 25. Finally profound depression 'till I was 40.... but I am really catching up for lost time and lost life. Every day is a blessing now. If that is the price for the bliss of being able to transition, I'd pay it again.

[6672rock]

My father's physical abuse towards me was nothing short of a nightmare, and even when that stopped, the verbal abuse continued. I never had a proper way to vent, and it's ruining my life. It's cost me friendships and relationships and left me feeling bitter, resentful and unable to trust anybody. It's a vicious cycle I need to break, but I don't know where to begin. I look at the way "normal" families function, and it doesn't feel normal to me, because that's not what I'm used to.

[HeatherAlamo]

(continued)

because I did to memorialized someone that I never met but admired because of his strength (the late Ryan White from Indiana). The students as a whole laughed at me all at the same time. I felt so angry. I was not only angry at the students for their improper conduct but also with myself, because I told myself over and over that I could have gotten that haircut over the upcoming Summer. Looking back on it, I don't regret that haircut, because it helped me master a lot later on.

[HeatherAlamo]

I remember several things that occurred during my childhood that I have learned to overcome (mainly because of being able to transition). On a number of occasions, I was asked by other kids my age, what gender I was, because they couldn't tell. I must have been passing well or a rumor of some cruel joke. This of course, would occur in front of other people, whether there was an audience or not. Another time I recall, I was laughed at by other classmates in my 4th grade math class for spiked hair

[christie1957]

you just brought those feelings back up with me, I had forgotten about these feelings or buried them. I can remmeber dressing and it felt so right, but after I changed back I hated myself for being that way. It brought tears to my eyes to remember. I didn't have as tramatic experience as your but was caught by my mother. She cleaned my room found some clothes, she never said anything, just took them away. Then the panic that she knew almost caused my demise. I just wanted to die.

ttfn

[NeverDreame]

I used to get together in close rooms around tables with males when I was about 13. When they all would start doing group activities, I would just start silently crying. I just felt like I didn't belong. I wasn't worried about being female in contrast to the males. I really wanted to live up to everyone's expectations and fit in. I didn't. I couldn't. I'd just start crying. Uh. I used to debate wearing women's underwear to school at that age. I had my own lockerroom. Did a couple of times.

[foddi1]

I was 14 when I first started dressing in women's clothes, in my bedroom late at night, or sneaking out to walk outside after dark. It's a miracle I was never caught and outed. The real shame is, that society tries to make us feel humiliated and shamed and degraded, when we are just desperately trying to live as the females we truly are, instead of having to pretend all the time that we are "manly." In female clothes, a sense of "free at last" mixed with a terror of being jeered and beaten.

[erallen97]

I started experimenting with female clothes at about 13 myself, now 34 yrs old if that had been found out when i was 13 i would have been beaten more often

[somethingex000]

I can totally relate to this. I was at all boys catholic school and know and relate to all the feelings you discussed here. But hey we got through it

[tamitbone]

That is so weird I remember when my sister caught me in the bathroom and I was all made up and wearing her bakini it was so so humilitating!!!! I think I was 10 or 11

[kotekotekitty]

i suppose ive been lucky tbh, all i remember is trying to play with all the girls in the sandbox every other day but they said i was a boy and threw sand in my eyes, so it wasnt that bad but it anoys me badly when my freands ask me, "Why do u always play girl characters in games, are you gonna go all tranny on us" I know they arent serious but still... kinda hurts.

[OutSideDeMatrix]

Lovely vid.

Reminds me of how warped our society truly is.

Mass conformity and religion go hand in hand.

Now that is TRAMATIC!

Wonder why we have people all medicated - not only on big pharma crap but self medicating with drugs of all sorts. (yeah - alcohol - the great legal drug)

On another note.

Our community is highly dysfunction - mostly due to our upbringing - brainwashing but also our marginalization. Control freaks, classism, racism, homophobia, heterophobia, ableism & so on.

[netnut7]

Recently went to a drama therapy event where I came out to the group as a transperson. Later that day in a skit I was asked by the group leader to seduce someone pretending to be Jesus nailed to the cross. I refused, then someone stuffed a pickle into Jesus's pants, handed me a knife and demanded I cut it off. Again I refused, said this was too fucked up and went back to my seat.

Not a therapeutic experience.

Kara

[kalabumdra564]

In spite of everything that's happened to you, you seem to be a very positive and balanced person. I was wondering - were you always like that or was it the transforming power of transition that helped you find your inner peace? Maybe you can make a vid about that ;)

[itspaul70]

I'm an Adult Survivor of Child Abuse and what you described made many of memories come back.

To many memories of that to even discuss. *shiver*

We're very close in age so I'm wondering what song it was, if you care to share it. I also like your ending song too.

I hope you had a great thanksgiving as well and you look gorgeous as usual. :)

[mia8293]

Thats really scary and completely inapropriate for the leaders to have allowed. I would have been losing it. Sometimes I think if I wasnt so good at hiding those things and got caught I might have forced myself to deal with everything at a younger age, but the reverse could have easily been the case.

[sadamitsu]

i understand what you mean. the clothing was like a symbol of your self and it gave you confidence. When i was 15 like 5 years ago for me it was similar, just to wear jeans or anything really. though at my school then and even now, androgyny is pretty popular amung some teen subcultures.

[sweetbutcantcook]

I watch your videos all the time. You are such a beautiful young woman. I had not idea you were 40! I thought mid twenties. I admire you so much. Telling that story was so brave. It takes a lot to face our past - or our present too sometimes. Do you have any pictures of when you were a guy? You are one of the few trans gals I know that look like you were born female and even your voice is beautiful. I still have a hard time beliving you were ever anything except for the beautiful woman you are.

[rebeliciouslyME]

My first time trying makeup on by myself and not knowing much on how to completely remove it. This was by morning, and later I would have to go to school. One of the guys said that it looked like I was wearing makeup... I had to lie and deny it. Did I forgot something? So I go to a female friend and tell her about this, and she says: "You dummy, you are supposed to use cold cream!", she then took me somewhere private and helped me. "You guys with your Glam Rock!" she said winking :P

[SteffyBru]

The second experience was with boyscouts also. We used to have a yearly public event, where we played theater. We were all boys and I was 15. That year, we needed a girl to play a female role. I volunteered. I was feeling so well acting as a girl during rehersal. The day of the final play, I was hoping that my parents would come and see me as I am...they didn't! So from the feeling of happyness, I finished my day crying alone in my bed... I believe we all have such stories. Thanks. Steffy

[SteffyBru]

Part 2.

But other class friends heard the conversation... and the following day, a friend told me in from of many friends: "Your are not a boy, but ONLY a girl". The same evening, I cross dressed completely for the first time to "very" who I was. I was feeling humiliated and , at the same time, somewhat happy that people recognized my "difference". I didn't sleep at all the next night. See Part 3

[SteffyBru]

Thanks Meghan for your story!

I used to do like you and "test" my feelings by using some female underwear from time to time at the same age. I recall 2 similar situations I have got when a was 14 and 15. I The first one is at school. In Belgium, where I live, there is a medical evaluation every school year. I was 14 and my puberty was not yet started. The doctor examine me and told the nurse about the stage I was in developing as a male. see part 2

[SamanthaZero34]

Wow Meghan, I was literally on the edge of my seat during this story. What a frightening experience, and I think it really goes to show how inappropriate boys can be sometimes. Good for you for getting through it, and I'm sorry it invoked such an immediate, negative change in your attitude.  It did remind me of a story I want to share, though not as traumatic as yours. Best wishes!

[universalJok3r]

I was actually very cautious when I was younger. I tried to avoid wearing girls stuff If I knew I couldn't get away with it. But there were times when I had come so close to being outed because of underwear so I can understand how you feel...

[afantasticlife]

I would add that I live and was raised in the Boston area, which was the epicenter of the clergy abuse.

When I was 18, the men's rooms at work were under renovation, and one women's room was set aside for use by men for the duration. There were tampons available, and I don't know why, but I took one. I left it in my work bag, and I was living with my parents at the time, and my mother found it. She assumed that a female coworker was harassing me. I shudder to think of what could have been.

[jennjelly]

Meghan i am sorry you had to go thru that its not right making anyone do something they do not want to do .you should have been allowed to sub the shoe ! i remember lots of cub scout crap like that when i was a kid and i still frrl the pain and ashamed and scared...it was all so much fun for them but ruined me ..mine happened at Treasure

[afantasticlife]

Thank God for the sensitivity we have now about children and clergy and scout leaders (just the sensitivity, not the terrible atrocities that prompted it). Thankfully we have more caution about personal boundaries. Unfortunately, a lot of that caution is rooted in homophobia; female victims still don't get full recognition.

I'm so sorry for your experience and your pain. I'm 29, and though nothing like that happened to me, I would guess that something like that would have led to a lawsuit.

[TigerKerouac]

Yeah, I was reliving that with you. Like the Christmas I painted my toenails and had a hole in my sock and everyone took off their shoes to play a game.. except me. And the Winter when I shaved my legs because I had a whole Winter when no one would see my legs... but we had a glorious Indian Summer that year and everyone went swimming one day, but I couldn't take my pants off... and was teased and questioned.

So yeah. I was reliving your story as you told it. Especially the "what if?!?"

[imgigi88]

So I ran as fast as I could into the church and into the bathroom. I removed the top portion of the leotard and stuffed it into my pants where no one could see it. People kept asking me what it was as I did my best to avoid everyone till I went home humiliated. Those type of events from childhood make me so thankful of where I'm at now in my life. I can be my self & my friends and family love me. And most importantly, through their example, I've learned to love myself. Thanx for the story. Annie

[imgigi88]

Meghan, When I was about 9 or 10 I wore my sisters dance leotard under my boy clothes to my churches youth meeting. At the time I really liked that leotard and how feminine it made me feel. Now I realize how hideous the thing was with its long sleeves and black polkadots all over it. Anyways, all the kids were outside playing and someone must have caught a glimpse of it under my shirt because before I knew it everyone was chasing me grabbing at my shirt trying to see what was under it.

[justintimeTM]

how sad.... I had the same issues as a child but I WISSSHH I could go back to those times having this mindset that I have now. That's all I'll say.

[kimmie2CD]

Thanks for sharing your story. I remember one day I wore panties to a boyscout meeting. I don't exactly remember why I thought of doing it that day. Nothing bad happened but I would have been traumatized if I was told to pull down my pants. All I remember was I felt good but so nervous. I didn't do that again to a boyscout meeting but did wear a few other girl clothes under my boy's clothes when going out when I was younger. Thanks for bringing back some memories to me.

[daniellelynn75]

thanks for telling us your story.

[Speediegirl]

Thank you for sharing that story, it was just...wow. What is the music at the end? It's beautiful.

[MrMikimama]

love ur hair straight, sweetheart x much love xxxxxxx

[joandelynn]

It's also true that people around us tend to forget these kind of events that are so traumatic to us. I started crossdressing when I was 8 years old, and during that first year my mother busted me and found some cloths from my sister hidden under my bed. I denied everything and said I had no clue about how they got there, but she didn't seem to believe me and I was very ashamed about it. However, when I came out to her as transsexual 27 years later she couldn't remember that event.

[joandelynn]

This story really touches me because something similar happened to me. When I was a little kid (about 6-8 years old) I played in a soccer team for a few years, but I was harrassed a lot by the other kids, and one day they did pull my pants down. I wasn't wearing women's underwear, but I was very ashamed about my body back then so I ran away home crying and locked myself in my room just like you did. That was the last day I ever played soccer in my life.

[newkie2008]

just amazing story, this is why i belive that transgender women s are stronger than most of the "regular" girls.

[sbflash311]

I grew up in a very homophobic and transphobic environment. Actually homosexuals and crossdressers were in the same category; they were all consider queer. I can't imagine what would have happened if I had been outed at that age.

[Eopyk]

Powerfull story.. I am so happy that your adult leader stoped those mean kids..

All love from me Jasmine

[francemtl]

Here's what i think, i think this story would make a movie, i mean your life basicaly... but yeah ! that kind of story we can relate to pretty much so, i know i have a memory of a somewhat gender related story, goes back when i was 6 or 7 at my First communion, i had to wear a sort of sutan and was probably the only one out of my whole school that didn't want to wear it.. reverse psychologie maybe... go figure

[ExplorationB]

Amazing story,

I had a tough time in Scouts too :-(

IDK why I thought as I was bullied I should join into what the bullies are doing.

I will think about my repressed events, there are many and vid response back!

[xTheAshleyMartinx]

You're a strong lady. Powerful story.

[DownsA530]

Wow; that was a truly traumatic experience. I'm glad you were able to come to terms with it, and yes, it does help when you talk about it. I had some idiots attempt to "befriend" me one time, but only to use it as a ruse to steal my stuff. It took me years to trust people again. But at least the bad produced a good person. Take care!

David