Witch Who Granted Beyoncé Beauty And Fame Takes Singer's First-Born Child

[iknowyouluvme1]

I don't like this

[MySkyizBlue]

this is for the idiots that think blue ivy spells lucifer's daughter backwards in a language that they've never even heard of

[youcutmelegoff]

poor Jay-Z he's got 99 problems and a witch is one.

[implicaverse]

Where does The Onion get these actors? They're always so right on target!

[mskaykayboo10]

that ish is so fake y would dey do that that dont evan look real

[coifgx]

@mskaykayboo10 Congratulations, you're the most obvious troll I've ever come across.

[ehandkz]

@mskaykayboo10 You sound like an extremely unintelligent person, which I feel is appropriate for the content of your comment.

[Peachski]

1:41 I swear Bill Nye the Science Guy is in the background

[sookieproductionTV]

Courtney Love signs 10 million dollar deal with VH1 to die on air. Wait, I thought the onion was fake news.

[Inediblehulk]

Everyone's so cynical lately! If it didn't happen, it wouldn't be on TV. Period.

[oscarmike1131]

@Inediblehulk

shoot I know right. onion is totally for real, I mean even fox news used their story about Obama's strongly worded letter so that means they're legit

[aadt22]

I do not even remrmber what i said most likely a typo if makes no sense. This video is stupid i know that and i cant believe people come up with stuff like this. Funny though definTly funny though that it is

[WildNice]

This was mean, but amusing.

[bitchhLALA]

wat

[Killumanatic]

What's Colbert's father doing with the witch?

[NickKingThe1st]

I got a 99 problems and a witch aint one

[aadt22]

Why must people make up stuff . It makes no since. I am going to have to go,with if it sounds like it makes no Sense it is probly because it isnt true

[NudeManOnPatrol]

@aadt22 What you said doesn't make any sense.

[raptorphobic]

She can always have another one... what's the big deal?

[odd0odium]

I love Brian! He must be a fun friend to have around.

[aslacuentayya]

Oh God, I really don't know anymore when someone writes a fake comment on these videos, well I like confusion anyway.

[brandondowd33]

LOL!!!



[TheEdFilm]

Lol at the duh at 1:59 !

[JaJadenTheGreat]

I just love The Onion's beautiful passion for giving the truth to the people. I hope the best for Beyonce.

[LibertineDeSade]

This is more realistic than those idiotic conspiracy theories about the fake belly and Illuminati surrogate and aliens and lord Xenu or some shit...

[LYYSL]

@LibertineDeSade LOOOL!!!@lord Xenu-funny name!!!

[songilove567]

if u guys believe this ur DUMP!!!!!!



[suntea17]

@songilove567 What is "dump?"

[sladunkaAa]

@songilove567 obviously you dump pitch.

[campushawn]

Ahahahahahah this video is so stupid. I mean like who the heck in the world would believe itttt lolol

[om12345k]

I thought they burned all the witches in the 14th century.. apparently one got loose.. How long ago did this happen? cuz there is nothing about it on the news

[yivialo]

what is this??? Ugh!!

witch in a cloud of smoke .. lol this sound like a chapter out of Harri Potter

[brownchix18]

? What the ? IS this a folk tale ?

[Mabbit555]

I love them both

[you8241]

Grisora fuck u

[GamerDude1911]

2:07 "Courtney Love signs $10 Million Deal with VH1 to Die on Air"

[LYYSL]

@GamerDude1911 LOOOL!!!

[Decuball]

My guess is D.

[DABADDESTBITCHish]

I don"t like it

[tizifan06]

I don't think Angelique is a very good actress... she kind of ruined this for me :/

[crazygeek777]

it's funny because beyonce can't sing for shit,

[Mr123Gibson]

@crazygeek777  your thinking of Kesha

[crazygeek777]

@Mr123Gibson nope, i'm thinking of all current pop singers.

[therealyoungB]

@crazygeek777 you might not like her or her music but you cannot claim that she cant sing. I agree that most popstars need a studio to make their singing bearable but like it or not beyonce does actually have a really nice voice and can sing live

[crazygeek777]

@therealyoungB I can sing as well as she can.. and if i can sing that well, she's not a very good singer lol..

[gredangeo]

I'd give my first born son to the devil. In return for an awesome rich life. Celebrity status optional.

NO BACKSIES though. :)

[ArtypNk]

Everyone knows you hand over the first born and move on. You cant buy withes with gold, it is not material goods, but innocent souls that they require. Duuuuuh Jay Z, are you stupid or something?

[huntedFX]

oh shit this is just like how hugh heifner made that pact with the half horse half dragon back in 72'

[wortey28]

D!!!

[songilove567]

i don't believe this is lies how can a witch in the REAL WORLD appeared in a cloud of smoke to claim the child as her payment for giving the singer fame, beauty, and talent.

ITS FAKE

[HaneeFannee]

@songilove567 Are you for real?..

[squeakyazn]

@songilove567 No, it's real. I give my children up to supernatural creatures all the time so I can achieve my wildest dreams. What, don't you?

[ArtypNk]

@songilove567

Don't disrespect the presences or I shall quark you with goat man's curse.

[mgnl7]

@songilove567 HAHAHA omg.

[mylightside]

@songilove567 What are you talking about, Onion News is a completely legitimate news source. They'd never lie about this kind of thing.

[Yepimdatguy]

@songilove567

OMG WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?

The Onion is the most reputable new source in the world. They have received numerous awards for their never-ending pursuit towards truth.

[suntea17]

@songilove567 Witches are real. A friend of mine was locked in a tower by a witch because her parents promised her to the witch in return for lettuce!

[burpo]

Grisora taught me Algebra in 1980.

[geradical]

Oh onion, thank you for showing their fake pregnancy like this. Lol, she and Jay-z are such horrible people. Love it!

[Flissa31]

Wait is that true ???

[AngstRiddenAnnoyance]

@Flissa31 of course.

[2dogarage]

Remember, the thing that makes the Onion funny is it's reference to the truth.

If you don't know anything about the dark side of the star-maker machinery please research it, these "stars" are paying the ultimate price for fame.

[Emper0rH0rde]

Did they seriously just say 'Jennifer Aniston' and 'eternal youth' in the same sentence?

[rtheundying]

Brian recovered suspiciously quickly and unscathed after the encounter with Krobbkag. I suggest that viewers take his reporting with a grain of salt.

[Jh5kRadio]

Just say "Rumpelteltskin"

[MTWEmperor]

I was waiting for the witch to vanish in a puff of sparkles......

[OMGSTFUANDREW]

Fake.

[MTWEmperor]

@OMGSTFUANDREW said "Fake." As opposed to the Onion being real?

[AdamRocksAtLife]

@OMGSTFUANDREW No fuckin way?! Mind = BLOWN

[SpamBAT]

@OMGSTFUANDREW No shit, Sherlock.

[HelloAgain151]

@OMGSTFUANDREW No dude, this is totally real. Are you stupid or something? A fairytale witch definitely granted Beyonce fame and fortune. Did you not hear about that? It's well known.

[PremierLieutenant]

@OMGSTFUANDREW What are you trying to say? The Onion is the most legit news source in America! Do you not realize this? They are known for being completely truthful. In fact, The Onion is the only news source I trust!

[composerdoh]

These starlets HAVE to stop making deals with these maigal creatures because it ALWAYS gets them in trouble....

[lovelee182]

hahaha!!! now, it all makes perfect sense!!!

[kolar]

LOLZ

[Magicpoop1]

That nasty crone aint givin' back that baby.



[ObeseChess]

These comments are pathetic. "Omg is this real!?"

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

[S1mpleDem0n]

@ObeseChess clever.

[WWEPats28]

WTF is this real? Lmao

[elchamber]

@WWEPats28 yeah...

(shhh everyone)

[KuatoFilms]

LMFAO

[bigfloridapimp]

I woulda wreck that Angelique Clarck beyond all recognition. For serious. 

[cyanmanta]

Or the dastardly little leprechaun that made Paris Hilton famous for doing nothing, but then told her granddaddy to donate all her inheritance money to charity.

[NiHaoStanley]

Don't worry Beyonce, give up the voice and have the child to keep. Remember, there is always auto tune gurl~

[yodellikeyoumeanit09]

The worst deal made was when Sarah Jessica Parker wished to become a famous actress but was turned into a horse

[MutleeIsTheAntiGod]

At 1:43 is that Stephen Colbert?

[kitkatkruncher22]

actually there is a way around the contract.

in all witch contracts there is always a loophole or

exit clause which always involves the ultimate sacrifice,

if she gives up ger voice and can still be famous then the kid is hers again.

[CrabStance]

This is BRILLIANT news... We don't want another Willow Smith on our hands, let me tell ya!

[bakersfieldmusicnow]

the blood contract...hmm hmm..be careful what you wish for.!

[yellowcougar18]

Brian Schuster!!!Brian Schuster!!!

It's gotta be him, he's the only star on that list.

[keano6t9]

I love The Onion

[1simo93521]

Religion is away of allowing the dead to control the living.

[sketcheddreams]

LOL this was so funny xD

[doesitmatter94]

hahaha this one is really funny



[ncunico]

@dangraphic

My best friend is famous and I can tell you now. The illuminati had nothing to do with his fame.. You conspiricy people are nuts. You live your whole life spreading hatred and fear basically because you live shallow non existant lives.. You sit on the net believing each others fairytales and adding to your own paranoia.. Get a life

[dangraphic]

@ncunico

I don't know who your best friend is, nor do I care... because not ALL popular artists have a contract with the men on top... some are authentically talented.

I can assure you that just because we touch on subject matter which you ignore, doesn't mean we're in any way shape or form 'nuts' as you put it. Nor do I spread hatred, for that you can simply take your pick of most any Rap artist.

[ncunico]

@dangraphic

Your also nuts for quoting religious shit.. Oh no, I dont believe in god, I must be part of the illuminati...

[dangraphic]

@ncunico No, you just don't believe in God...please don't put words in my mouth.

If you were part of the illuminati, you wouldn't be replying to my posts, believe me.

[dangraphic]

@ncunico I've been investigating secret societies 10 years before the internet was made publicly accessible.

If there's anyone SHALLOW here, it's you whom would defend people who are neither contributor to your bank account nor defenders of your cause.. yet you follow and swoon over them as if they were god personified.

[dangraphic]

@ncunico My family came from a 5 generation line of society members so I believe I know a thing or two more than you regarding this subject which is, like it or not, infused in the musical industry.

They codify, program and brainwash an ever stupefied and ignorant youth with TRASH, BLASPHEMY, DEPRAVITY and IMMORALITY. I'm not your enemy here, the Prince of Darkness using artists to pipe putridity into the ears of our kids IS

Oh but then when a kid kills another... THAT's God's fault.

[ncunico]

@dangraphic

There is no god, and there is no devil...

whos brainwashed...think again

[dangraphic]

@ncunico If there were no Creator, you could never have asked that question... Unless of course you believe you're individuality, your willpower, your intelligence, your strength, your laughter, your love, your life.. is just the result of a few molecules banging together sporadically, and that at some point in time.. chemistry turned into biology.

Be well my friend...

[ncunico]

@dangraphic

You my friend have fallen victim to the worlds greatest money making scam of all time.. The church is the biggest money making organisation on the planet. And what do the sell. Life after death and somone looking over you. Seriously, you cant honestly say you believe in gods.. surely... Which one.. there is so many to choose from

[wick2107]

@ncunico Just stop. There are ridiculous atheists out there too. Like Bill Maher. I can't wait until he finally chooses to debate with an educated person.

[thompkinsbrian]

@dangraphic I am a fan of the logic of both people that believe in god and people that dont believe in god. They have the same reason for not believing in each others explaination for creation. Religion says ,"Who made god? God was always there." Atheist replies "Someone had to make him, he cant have always been there"////Atheist says,Who made the universe? It was always there." Religion replies, "Someone had to make it, it cant have always been there"

[rattlehead66666]

@thompkinsbrian

The difference is religious ppl fill in the answer with god, where as atheists answer is "I don't know" which is the most honest answer anyone can give when dealing with questions like these.

[deadgamer42]

@dangraphic 5 generations of society members? That explains your pompous attitude. Get over yourself.

[dantesinfernal0]

@dangraphic “I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours.” ~Stephen Roberts

[wick2107]

@dantesinfernal0 do i give a fuck about your mission to convert all peoples to atheism?

[dantesinfernal0]

@wick2107 Atheism isn't a religion, so I can't very well convert anyone to it, now can I? Personally I don't give a shit what anyone believes, but if you shove yours up in my face then I'm damn sure going I'm going to tell you what I think about it.

And it's interesting how I was the one who was barely involved (all I did was post a pertinent quote) and you choose to jump my shit over it. There were probably 5 other people saying things that were a lot worse than I did.

[lexxypexxy]

the wicked witch of the illumaniti

[jevicci]

Courtney Love signs $10 milllion deal with VH1 to die on air...hahaha!

[carboy101]

@bg546 Please just shut the fuck up.

[coolmatt2811]

On the bright side Grisora will probably be a better parent

[Ivan951]

The answer is D

[aaroncoal28]

The part about Christina Ricci's head made laugh so hard that I spit water all over my computer monitor.

[bg546]

There's a little truth behind every joke. Illuminati.

[dadevi]

The crone has someone holding the baby for her. $BOSS$

[ogologox]

lol AFLAC duck arrested for beating up his wife

[johndelaware]

This was just like real celebrity news.  I didn't pay much attention to it....

[mizzpeaches19]

Hell nawlll lol

[ossi43]

I'm 95% sure this is fake, the front row seats were sold out for months there is now way she could have gotten one...

[sharks445]

@ossi43 the onion is a fake news cast how do you not know

[ossi43]

@sharks445 NO WAY! the onion is fake >?? are you a 100% of this??!

[alkallabeth]

@ossi43 fool! witches have a preferential pre sale period, also magic, get your facts right before posting!

[AK74inCali]

Nah... I usually love The Onion, but it's not funny to pick on a kid; much less a newborn, especially with a name like Blue Ivy, lol! Sorry, but that's the parents' fault, not the kid's...

[XxdarkanimevampirexX]

epic photoshop total fake its so obvious the pics are so digitally enhanced its rediculous any bozo could have taken a pic and placed it on a beyonce concert my friend did it to impress his friend it worked but not on me and wouldn't someone have seen an old hag the stood out like a sore thumb sheesh whoever believes this is a total retard

[athelija]

@XxdarkanimevampirexX ....the bad photoshop....that's what stood out to you....that's why you're sure it's fake?....ROFLMFAO!! hahahahah A. They were talking about a real live WITCH.. DUH it's fake B. it's the Onion, google it!

[Gigatone00]

@XxdarkanimevampirexX Haha you dumbass!

[MasterNemesis102]

I know this is fake because this is gossip news that is entertaining

[BJHawkIx7]

Fact: Onion has the hottest reporters of any network. I give you thumbs up, Angelique!

[811chelseafc]

"I have come for what is mine, give me the babe" idk why but i thought that was hilarious

[uNdEad818213310323]

i guess that witch took her Destiny Child

[teo0180]

qween B.cmon

xOxO

[lucasboden]

This is not real. OR is it?

[jeounghh87]

the onion strikes again!

[TheLVG12]

How did Bryan survive the evil disk accident?

[Garren16]

Jay Z would cap the witch :P

[ricki388]

swap witch for illuminati

[Llamster]

How did Bryan Spees escape from the portal from the last video?

[dearbriellex3]

omg this is terrible! poor baby blue!

[GDOBSSOR]

I don't like the new Onion team. What happened to the old Onion presenters?

[worldends08]

Didn't Beyounce previously have a miscarriage? (I've got to check that bit of "info" out.)

[brondo1012]

Elk82 you just made me laugh sooooooooo freakin hard!!! Thanx!! I really needed it

[QuietSniffle08]

OMG they are so wrong for that Christina Ricci part! lmaooooooooo!

[elk832]

These stories ring true in daily life - I once made a deal with jogging four miles every day, but instead of burning fat, it just made my legs strong enough to carry the extra weight.

[StoneTemp1Pilot]

This is what I image the news of the World of Eberron would look like.

For the three of you who know what Eberron is, you're welcome and I'm sorry.

[imabo5s]

I asked a magical elf to give me super speed.

The catch was I had to take an arrow to the knee.

[QueenofAntarctica]

I think it's D

[Xelvielll]

Haha I just showed this to my mom, and she thought it was real. Good lulz.

[Snortemup]

@Xelvielll Wow your mom is fucking stupid.

[steve05297]

@Xelvielll Your mom believes in witches? Lol.

[ipseipse]

@Xelvielll Nothing strange for an american...

[AarinHikaKao]

@Xelvielll A witch stealing Beyoncé's baby? Totally believable.

[williamroberts]

@Xelvielll your mom sounds retarded

[deathknight777]

@Xelvielll Your mom is stupid.

[VideoDotGoogleDotCom]

Disgusting.

[idowantpie]

This was the best onion in a while

[TutKatan]

@idowantpie Yeah I know nothing about gossip and celebrities but this segment is great.

[LlamaTheory]

Can't say I'm really liking this celebrity segment... go back to the news, please.

[joosbawks]

New Onion guys.. NOT FUNNY!

[faceyfaceface]

@joosbawks

you have a terrible sense of humour because this was hilarious.

Also you have a smelly butt and like to kiss your own butt.

[joosbawks]

@faceyfaceface yeah I guess this generation is the Homosexual generation and find anything that relates to their gayness funny.

[Yagmilner]

I miss the days when The Onion made me laugh...

[lenapesoccer122]

lol

[Sarge084]

More truth with The Onion than you'll ever get with Faux News.

[tfryinthemorning]

the production quality of these videos never ceases to amaze me

[danesandy]

lota truth in the Onion