"Baby Blue" - working through memories of child abuse

[ReadSpeak]

Very beautiful ...John (57)

[MsFranF]

Wow…. all I can say is wow! Your song, your pictures have reached into the depths of my soul and my memories.

[bleaux42]

@MsFranF Thank you. :)

[bipolarlex]

I can relate. Even as an adult, I am still struggling (I dont have bipolar was misdiagnosed because I was hyper and startled easily- have ptsd and only ptsd). I want to adopt a child someday, a child that might otherwise fall through the cracks. If its possible to "dedicate" the act of adopting a child, I dedicate my future goal to all survivors of abuse. Take care and (((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))

[bleaux42]

@bipolarlex Thank you! *hugs*

[fly1281]

hi my name is candi and im 12

i know what your going through and its not easy

you are very brave

god bless you

[bleaux42]

@fly1281 Thank you Candi! You have a very kind heart.

[bluesky291975]

Bleaux I just wanted to say thank you for reopening my heart enough for me to express my own self with the song(s) I wrote so many years ago. I pray that someday we survivors of childhood trauma will someday be willing and able to love and be loved, to trust and be trusted. I pray to my Creator to want the will to live for all of us, I am just so worn down spending my life waiting to die. There was a time when I still had some feeling but that time was a long time ago, I try my best for my kids.

[bleaux42]

@bluesky291975 I'm the same way. My one goal in my life is to make sure my kids get to be kids and to keep them away from abusers of all types. *hugs*

[LoudBreather]

all the things I feel/felt are there. Thanks for connecting. I would like to do interviews of people with ptsd, esp childhood. I want to lobby for proper healthcare and treatment for us. This is thee hardest disorder to treat! True! Borderline Personality is usually coupled with this and also - CHRONIC PAIN. We need to be heard, this is a trend that will grow until we get people to acknowledge it! - Love and Light -

[bleaux42]

@LoudBreather You're correct, I have Fibromyalgia on top of the PTSD and my doctor said he believes it's directly related.

[psprute]

Hi,

I watched this for the first time about a month ago and I wrote a long comment and then it wouldn't post. I have to tell you that I think I've waited my whole life to be able to really explain how I feel, who I am. Your video touched me in such a powerful way. You were able to articulate them exactly. I too want to run away to a castle and never return. I am just so very tired. Does that ever go away? Every word you wrote was such truth. How can I ever thank you?

[bleaux42]

@psprute Hi. I have good days and bad day but as time goes by I'm having more good than bad. I've realized it's about perspective; concentrating on the good. And it helps if you remove toxic people from your life. We deserve happy lives.

[susa48]

What an evocative, well made video. You really illustrated the hurt, pain, and struggles that we as survivors continue to live through.

Peace and healing,

Susa

.

[psprute]

You have put words on what i have never been able to say.

Thank you, what a gift!

[lilly66641]

i love watching this its so touching and well it reminds myself of me and im only 13 but it sounds what im going through know love this video its amazing *hugs*

[bleaux42]

*hugs*

[bleaux42]

@lilly66641 I'm so sorry you're going through this. *hugs*

[Ainhoa1666]

strumming my pain with your finger, singing my life with your words.. thnx for describing parts of my life..♥

"from one who has ptsd"

[bleaux42]

@Ainhoa1666 <3

[cronopio71]

Dear Blaux42,

Many thanks for speaking up against sexual abuse. I have recently told my family about my being abused as a child and I'm going through the most difficult time of my life. But definitely it has been worth the effort.

I was wondering would you allow me to upload your video with Catalan subtitles (for my family to understand what it feels like being a sexually abused person)?

All the best for you and for all those (too many) who, like us, have had to endure this untolerable crime.

[bleaux42]

Hi,

Thank you so much for your comment. It means a lot to me. I'm sure you'll understand that his video is extremely personal to me and I have reservations about allowing anyone to upload it. It feels almost like I'm losing a piece of myself. Is there anyway we can work together for me to upload another version of this with the subtitles?

[cronopio71]

Dear Blaux42,

Thank you very much for your reply.

Indeed, I understand that this video is extremely personal to you and I wouldn't like to put you in a difficult situation because of my suggestion. Of course I'd be delighted to work with you, but just in case you don't mind taking so much trouble, I know that it's a lot of work for you.

In any case, I deeply appreciate your effort and braveness to share your material with us.

All the best.

[bleaux42]

Hello!

I'm going to do a little thinking to see what options we have. If we can add the subtitles on YouTube or if I have to add it directly to a new video. I won't be able to do much until after the holidays but am excited about getting the message out there to a larger audience. Thank you so much for helping me with that.

[Venus1974tn]

@bleaux42 your videos touch my heart and say so much I wanted to also say. I have been in therapy a little over 4 years now trying to find my way back to some sort of norm. Actually it was one of your vidoes that first inspired me to start video healing and has helped me a great deal. For that I want to thank you. I also wanted to let you know I appreciate you sharing your story its not the easiest thing to do when so much of 'our world' is against us. Take care

[sandiawhispers]

Unless you are an adult survivor of child abuse, I think it's hard to empathize with the horror of what happened. It stays with you the rest of your life. Healing comes through therapy, but the affect of what happened doesn't go away. You are wounded and compromised as a human being. If you see a therapist that calls this B.S., find someone else to help you process through the pain, because it's real. In order to love yourself again, you must first believe it wasn't your fault.. It never is.

[bleaux42]

Thank you so much for commenting and you're right. It is so difficult to live a full life after abuse. And finding a good therapist is so much harder than people believe. Just like with any service, if you don't like them, find another.

[Bsafe1stalways]

Simply Beautiful. Im tearful but in a way thats right. Thank You for making this video. You are and have made a difference. Together we will brake the silence.

John x

[bleaux42]

Thank you so much John. *hugs*

[MsBertie123]

@bleaux42

Your videos have helped so much,

Thankyou

[kaenpet]

Thanks for the videos, and god bless

[bleaux42]

Thank you!

[qtpa2tee97]

@bleaux42 I HAVE PTSD ND I FEEL THE SAME WAY AS U DO. THE CHILD IN ME KEEPS COMING OUT MORE AND MORE AND IM BEGGING TO ACCEPT HER AND LOVE IN WAYS THT I NEVER WAS BY MY FATHER.

[ripcurl251]

I am soo sorry for everything tht happened

[bleaux42]

Thank you so much. *hugs*

[ripcurl251]

I Wish i could be that person to save you and take you to a castle far far away..

How did this start?

wat did people say wen u told them? if u did ?

did u have bruises?

i dont under stand could u pleasse reply ?

I WANT to save children this is happening to i WANT to take them some where safe where they can be loved 24/7

your my inspiration i never got abused but i see kids its happened to and i nearly start crying :( iloveyou

[PeaceLoveEternity]

My therapist told m today to take care of my inner child "Rozi" and love her and let go of all this B.S. Please message me.

[bleaux42]

@PeaceLoveEternity I love my inner child. I hope you are doing well.

[PeaceLoveEternity]

Bless you hunny. Been through a lot of PTSD and trying to deal with it. Namaste.

[reVerse2bfree]

Thank you for producing this important, musically beautiful - yet haunting video because of the CSA. Thanks too for speaking out for those who can not!

[TezzyBabeForever]

I don't know what to say....except I'm sorry for everthing that happened to you...I have a history of sexual abuse myself...My mother was molested by her cousin and her cousins boyfriend when she was 8 years old, and I was raped when I was 13but it was not by a family member, it was a stranger...I am now 16, and still have not gotten over it....Will I ever get over it??? 21st of July 2006 was the end of my childhood, and a day I will, unfortunately, remember forever. Thank you Michelle. xxxx

[shadowstuff]

bleaux this video started me on the way back from hell ,still climbing ,i can see the sun ,i have shared your video with the foster mom of two horribly abused kids ,you will never know how many lives you affected with this ,thank you for your courage.thank the little girl in the video ,the real hero

[bleaux42]

Thank you so much for your kind words and for watching. I'm glad it helped. It helps me realize that some good can be pulled from the bad.

[DeeItsMe]

still here bleaux,

must never forget

we are great in strength of #.s

so strong, never to be alone again!!

love & hugs hun

Dee

[bleaux42]

*hugs* Thank you so much Dee!

[emiem74]

i;m exactly like you i feel how you feel and at times i revert back through times of living my abuse , i;m so sorry for ever been coz no body loves me or they love in the wrong way. god bless you <3

[bleaux42]

*hugs*

[MSJustScott]

i'm a little boy

i feel your pain. it's mine too.

[bleaux42]

*hugs*

[porcelain100]

this is beautiful. kudos for bringing it out in the open and having the strength to use your story...

[bleaux42]

*hugs*

[freesia0]

I wish I could take your pain away. Thank you for posting this poignant message; it reminds me of what's really important in our lives. You must be a wise old soul who has found real purpose for what you survived. I wish you peace forever.

[bleaux42]

Thank you so much.  *hugs*

[flare765]

i was physically abused as a child also (beaten).its good to know that their are others out there.God bless you

[bleaux42]

*hugs* :)

[monkiipants]

can't really thank you, i feel like my heart was kicked.i see other people having there lives, i'm just waiting for my turn. this is the first one ive dared to watch. i think it says it all. x

[bleaux42]

Monkiipants, I am so so sorry you are hurting. I wish I could help in some way. Please know you're in my thoughts.

[Ainhoa1666]

I have PTSD and depression, and this is my life..:'( it makes me cry...

[bleaux42]

*hugs*

[greendayspongebob]

wonderful video

[bleaux42]

Thank you. :)

[koalastephanie]

Merry Christmas and happy Holiday to you:D

[bleaux42]

Thank you!

[shadowstuff]

Bleaux, wishing you a happy holiday ,and for christmas ,healing ,your speaking out has helped me believe healing is possible,what greater thing can a survivor give than the gift of healing. thank you for hanging on to the good when all around you was bad , holidays are hard ,know that for sure ,but at least now we have the chance to make good memories. again thanks shadow

[bleaux42]

Thank you so much!

[koalastephanie]

Wow-Beautiful,touching,and heartfelt.

[bleaux42]

Thank you. :)

[shadowstuff]

i wish they could show this during the superbowl ,broken hearts can mend with help from people like you thank you more than you can know ,i cried for the first time since i can remember

[bleaux42]

Thank you so much. That is possibly the best comment I have ever received. Thank you. It also came at a great time. I needed some love. :)

[marisu2]

saw the whole video and read all the things i've always thought, felt and wanted to say but never dared let out of my head. thanks for saying them for me.

[bleaux42]

You are very, very welcome.

[pfb50]

Thank you for that very simple and beutiful video. There are no words to say except thankyou.

[bleaux42]

*hugs*

[entropicmom]

This is beautiful. Thank you.

[bleaux42]

Thank you!

[1shatteredspirit]

Amazing video! I have also used videos with music to try to express what is deep inside. Since I'm not an artist, this has been a way to get to the deep, sometimes dark, feelings that I feel I need to express.

Thank you for sharing, I have forwarded this to my therapist saying, she has expressed exactly what I feel.

Take care.

[bleaux42]

Thank you! I'm glad I could help. :)

[foxybgto]

Thank you so much for posting! There are so many of us out here who have dealt with these heartbreaking experiences. Thank you for helping me realize I am not the only one....and helping me find my feelings...and being one step closer to being free from my past.

[bleaux42]

You are very welcome. *hugs* Thank you for watching and sharing that with me. I wish you well in your recovery and life.

[DeeItsMe]

I am with you...

WE are with you ..

for you will never truly be all alone !!

thank you for giving us a voice

[bleaux42]

You're welcome. *hugs* Thank you for reminding me I'm not alone.

[candy3A3Z]

You are an extremely brave person. Nothing anybody says or does can take that away from you. Thank you for posting videos to help others like myself. It helps to know no matter what, we are not alone.

[bleaux42]

Thank you! *hugs*

[damage4evr]

Thank you for having the courage to share.

My prayers go out to you and others like us.

You spoke my pain so accurate thru your video. It reached deep down to my very soul. It played a part in the decision to finally lay this burden down...the sad part is I know we can never forget. Maybe it will get easier to remember though...Hopefully.

Time to heal and move forward. Thanks!!!

[bleaux42]

Thank you so much for your kind words. I'm glad I could touch you. *hugs*

[damage4evr]

Was searching for information on forgiveness when I came across your video. It touched me to my very core. You were expressing exactly what I felt.I Cried alot.Your video played a big part in my decision to take steps to overcome this burden I have carried for many years. My prayers go out to you for the pain you carry.Thank you for sharing.Hopefully we...and those like us can heal.But we will never forget. I think talking about it starts the healing process.Thanks for having courage to share.

[treky4]

thank you.

[vivatruth]

You were the cutest little girl! I know you're beautiful now:)

[treky4]

I understand what you went through because I wa verbally abused by my step father. It wasn't until I was 19 that I realized I'd better get out of that house! It took a lot of people to convince me but in the end I got out of there and I don't even talk to him any more. just know that you have my support. Take care.

[bleaux42]

I'm glad you're out of it now and wish you well in your healing. :)

[merfwriter]

I'm so sorry bleaux42 for what you went through during your childhood. Please know that WE LOVE YOU and we are always here to listen and be a friend to you.

Lots of love,

merfwriter

[bleaux42]

Thank you so much! This means the world to me. Thank you!

[bleaux42]

@merfwriter Thank you. It's nice to have those who believe.

[1GreyWolf]

This video brought out much of my pain and even more tears. This is the 3rd time that I have viewed it.

I am trying to get through the memories (the past) and it is VERY difficult though I am finding that helping others does prevent me from obsessing on what happened to me.

I thank you for your video.

I earnestly hope that each and every one of us, can find the peace and comfort we deserve.

Take Care Of Yourself,

GreyWolf

[bleaux42]

Thank you for watching the video and your kind words. It's odd but I've received so much validation from the comments. Sometimes, with my past, even I would rather pretend it never happened and move on...but the memories come regardless.

I wish you the best GreyWolf and wish the best for you.

[snackpack113]

Hi! My birth father was abusive. He is Narcissistic. Once I turned 40, I realized he will NOT control my life anymore. I have nothning to do with him and have not talked to him for 4 years. We don't have to live in our pasts and let those people control how we live! I feel totally blessed today!!! I pray you will too. Thanks for your videos!!

[bleaux42]

Thank you for your comment! I am so glad you are away from that person and don't feel you owe him anything. That's a huge step in healing.

[4841253]

Good Girl!!!!!

[RescueMich]

This film destroys me.

Thank you, i need some deconstruction from time to time.

[bleaux42]

Yes, I don't watch them very often for the same reason but every once in a while, I need to experience them. I think I go along pretending everthing is okay so much that I even convince myself. :)

Thank you for commenting.

[memoryskill]

Thanks you for this video. Its like someone read my mind. I wish you and all people that have suffered liek us healing and peace.

[bleaux42]

Thank you so much. I wish the same thing for all of us.  :)

[mandycaly]

You are a very powerful writer.....please don't stop. Hugs to you ~~~~~

[bleaux42]

Thank you!

[mandycaly]

You are very welcome~~~~ Take good care~~~~~

[MisplacedHope]

Pass the kleenex..wow!

[bleaux42]

Thank you for watching and commenting!

[Latinababy120]

This really hits home for me. especially the line "I dont understand why you dont love me".

Thank you. for this video.

Its hard to move past it.

I know.

People say it stopped everything is okay now. But it isnt. You constantlt feel trapped and you dont know why.

You just keep asking yourself. what did i do that was so wrong. what did I do.

[bleaux42]

You're right. People are always saying, "That's in the past." Well, we relive our past constantly.

[snackpack113]

That is a great video. I think, you are a strong woman!! You have to be strong to work through all the pains and get healed. You will get through it all. You are now a blessing to all the people who watch your videos and the people you help. God has special purposes for you!! God Bless and have a great week!!

[bleaux42]

Thank you so much!

[docwimz]

Sad, Growing up and still today I don't understand why we humans choose to be so awful to one another.

[bleaux42]

You know, that the one question that I constantly ask myself. Why? How can one human being do this to another...it's even harder to understand when it's a child and your child.

[1GreyWolf]

WOW!! It reached in an made me cry (again). It is triggery for me, especially remembering saying "I'll be good, I will, I promise". But it never helped. I regret that today I can't watch the whole thing. I will have to come back later when I won't hurt so much. I gave you 5 stars. I can only hope the pain stops for you.

GreyWolf

[bleaux42]

Thank you. The pain comes and goes. Producing art helps ease it. I hope you get to the point where you can watch the whole thing one day.

[b157566]

I'm sorry that any child is ever abused, especially sexual. All abuse causes permanent emotional pain. It is a pain that never leaves. Sexual abuse also affects boys.

[bleaux42]

Yes, I've just learned about how it affects boys and it breaks my heart. It's even less accepted and believed that boys are abused. I just don't understand our society at times.

[b157566]

Yes, as a boy I was raped by my brother almost 50 years ago. Some people tell me just "get over it". I forgave him, but every time I see a story on TV with brothers who are kind and loving to each other, it makes me cry for what I never had. For others who have been abused check my resources on my personal website. The link to my personal website is on my MySpace profile - myspace(dot)com/notanoxymoron

[b157566]

"It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But, it is never gone." -- Rose Fitzgerald Kennedy

[smarie210]

This is the most amazing quote I've ever read... I keep rereading it because it is so unbelievably true.

I have scar tissue that is going on 23 years now. No, time has not healed. But I like you and so many others continue to walk on. Just keep going... keep walking toward the light of healing.

"May It Be..."

[bleaux42]

*hugs*

[karenszac]

my dad use to hit me and throw things at me when I would go to my cousins I felt safe and loved my dad was a drunk when I would have to go home i would beg my aunt to let me stay because I knew before the night was over my dad would yell at my mom and sisters then he would hit me and my little sisters my mom got rid of him now we at safe bless the lord

[bleaux42]

I'm so glad you're safe now. *hugs*

[amyl2701]

Thanks for making this video. And thanks for sharing it. It must have taken a lot of courage. I can relate so much to what you are saying and feeling xx

[bleaux42]

Thank you for watching and commenting. :)

[MsBuddhaFly]

You know, i thought it was so weird that i find myself enjoying "childish" behaviors. i was actually kind of embarrassed by it and i haven't even told my therapist. i realize now that i am sub-consciously re-living the childhood that i was denied due to abuse. thank you for this - i wish you well.

Namaste!,

B*Fly

[bleaux42]

Tell your therapist. You're just retaking your childhood from those who took it from you. *big hugs*

[oethphoto]

Your film is a work of art. Thank you. I've always loved this music as well. 5 star work.

[bleaux42]

Thank you so much!

[kenzie1812]

I'm so sorry to be able to say this but i know how you feel... i am not sorry however to say that i am a survivor... thank you! I am sorry you are gng through all of this... please know that you are not alone there are people who care!!! and i am one of them!

[bleaux42]

Congrats on being a survivor and thank you so much for sharing with me!

[biggoblyds]

thats ok, my mum has no idea about either of them, she nos i talk to the man at the train station but she does not no that he has been huggin he knows what hes doing is wrong, he only hugs me when there is noone else on the platform yesterday i saw him and he didnt hug me because his boss was there.

[biggoblyds]

prt 2. i also told them about the psotamn who is now retired but is like 59/60/61 the postman asked me to strip for him when i said no he said go on keep the old fella happy! and the police siad that was sexual harrasment as well.

[bleaux42]

There are so many abusers out there. Unless people have experienced it, like you have, they just don't know.

[kenzie1812]

you're very right... i pray my future children never have to call themselves survivors, but if they get hurt i pray they find the ability and strength to!

[biggoblyds]

i no, the man at the train station arent the only people though, theres my dad whos left me with bruises before, and because of the number of times hes told me im lazy and other thing like that im beliveing him.

[biggoblyds]

telling someone is the hardest part i told two community support officers today about the man at the train station who keeps hugging me the two community support officers told me that whats he doing is wrong espicaly as i have asked him not to touch me or hugging and they said that what he is doing is sexual harrasment. theyve given me the number of my local police station i might call it.

[kaitlynkillerx3]

Maybe i dont understand. I've never been beaten by my mother or father, or anyone in the family. I feel all of the struggles these children have been through. Its not fair at all, its just not fair. I love children, no child deserves to go through this.Just remember.. someone out there loves you. Abusive people even love you.. they just dont realize that the child theyre abusing is amazing in every way. I just wish.. i could lend a helping hand.

[bleaux42]

Just watching the video and understanding helps. You'll be someone who fights FOR children.

[deedeedee878]

I understand. Thank you.

[bleaux42]

You're welcome. Thank you for understanding.

[SerenityFair]

your videos are very hypnotic to me as a "survivor"...I feel them..I feel you...you are an artist.

[bleaux42]

Thank you so much! I did them as therapy. I'm glad they are speaking to others.

[AngelBallantine37]

your videos help me so much....

[bleaux42]

Thank you. =)

[AngelBallantine37]

-crys- i was beaten by my mom and all she did was stand and watch now im in a think daze alone and hurt i dunno anymore and the thought of hurting myself has crossed my mind plently times.... my mom screams at me for nothing ... just cause i look like my dad who recently passed she gives me bad glares. id like some one whos in my situation to pm me back plz i just wanna knw if there are other like me out there

[bleaux42]

I am so sorry you've had to live through abuse.

[coco32]

I am going to show my sister this video, it is so beautiful, thankyou x

[bleaux42]

Thank you.

[maijaelisabeth]

I'm crying my eyes out right now, and I can't seem to stop...I can't remember the last time I was able to cry, so I really needed this. Thank you Bleaux.

[bleaux42]

*hugs* You're welcome. I've just recently learned to cry myself.

[shokmedia]

My mom cried. That was very moving.

[bleaux42]

Thank you so much for watching it.

[shokmedia]

wow... bleaux.. made me almost cry.

[bleaux42]

Thank you.  :)

[BuddingDirector]

THAT WAS VERY MOVING

[bleaux42]

Thank you :)