Racist Cell Phones, Birth Control, and A Stupid Heckler

[snagglepussitus]

viking sex on a burning ship

[TheCircusfreak777]

We went to Planned Parent hood...where my cell didn't work. I respect the shit out of him!!!!

[EvilDanzig]

Cellphones in 1980? I know cars had phones in the 80's but that sounds way too early, I mean it was during the early 21st century when they were becoming popular.

[OGAndizzo]

@EvilDanzig they were huge giant bricks in the 80s. but yeah they were around

[Brotassium00]

>kids think cell phones were invented in early 2000s

What the fuck are History teachers teaching? We were taught about the telephone's invention. Soon enough all the kids will think Al Gore invented the internet....

[EvilDanzig]

@Brotassium00 I agree with you but still, 1980 was too early for most people to have them not to mention the first cellphones were highly limited up until 2000.

[TheClownRaper]

that wasnt really a heckler he just screamed

[Ice03333]

didn't cell phones come out in like, 2001?

[anderhol1]

@Ice03333

No they just became common place around 2001

[wildsmiley]

@Ice03333 HAHA! You kidding? The first time I can clearly remember seeing a cell phone was like 1990 or something.

[Ice03333]

@wildsmiley yea I really had no idea. I was a sophomore in High School back in '02 and I thought they were brand new

[topynate]

Jack, if people didn't appreciate a good shaming there'd be no way of deterring hecklers. If you're going to sit and listen to someone being chewed out for a few minutes, it should at least be funny.

[jackdtroughton]

5:12 shows you the lowest aspect of our species (insofar as we attend comedy shows). Not the heckler, but the hyenas who delight in his public lynching. Grow UP guys.

[KnifeNut88]

Viking sex on a burning ship! Praise Odin!

[Ghavin86]

Uhm, cells become common only after the 1990's...

[theciskokidd]

You know he kinda sounds like Michael j fox in back to the future at about 5:40. Every time he does that voice...lol

[IEatNiggersForLunch]

"We went to Planned Parenthood, where my cell phone didn't work."

ROFL

[MurderFeet]

Am I the only one who thinks Patton Oswalt isn't funny? First off a real heckler does more then scream Woo! Which leads me to believe even Patton knew this shit wasn't funny. And second, I find Doug Stanhope or Christan McFinnigan and Nick Swardson way funnier then Patton Oswalt. King of Queens, piece of shit. Oh Star Wars there I am on the same level as Patton.

[ralphyetmore]

@MurderFeet If you dislike Oswalt and are coming to a post containing Oswalt's material, it's probably a safe bet that you ARE going to be the only one here that doesn't like it. That might help you next time.

And I agree that King of the Queens is pretty shitty. I think that if you cornerred Oswalt on that one, he might have to concede that to you - but who knows?

[etabaka]

@MurderFeet you think doug stanhope is funny? i saw him live once and he was just a dumb depressed drunk retarded on stage, it was fucking pathetic and in no way funny.

[FiveofHearts1]

Apparently Oswalt just turned a retard heckler into some sort of weird WarHammer 40K Douche DemiGod.

[tannymanny1000]

MEXICANS

[WalterLiddy]

The sad thing is that the douchebag undoubtedly was pleased with Oswalt's assessment. He was probably sitting there thinking "Yes, I am a douchebag forever!"

[ShmeeSLG]

@WalterLiddy I doubt it. At the end there, Patton got (justifiably) mean. He said somethings that couldn't be taken lightly. Which makes him more awesome.

[ilovebrandnewcarpets]

This is gold

[ericleyman7443]

We go to planned parenthood where my cell phone doesn't work.

[chuckdiesel]

Heckler sounded like a goddamn rooster.

[bubbyeater]

21 people got raped by goblins.

[Datelesswonders]

"Where my cellphone didn't work" EXCELLENT ALLUSION/CALLBACK!!!!

[SOADafi]

"like a Pixies song" awesome...

[donniedarkodevotte]

I love Patton Oswalt! His dad totally owns a dealership, man.

[Stevo935]

".....where my cell phone didn't work...."

Best part ever, XD!

[EarlOfEs]

The stupid chicken fuckhead heckler at 4:03 !!

[ImmaCloudStrife]

I love this.

[leplsre]

20 people's cell phones don't work

[reluctable]

I've watched a fair few heckler clips here now, this one's really rather special.

It's probably the first heckler comeback I've heard that creates an image of altered-human neuromancers roaming a post-apocalyptic wasteland carrying standards proclaiming the legend of the heckler's douchebaggery, so epic was it that it survived whatever harrowing that scoured civilisation from the earth, that he might be lifted alongside the gods and remembered for ever more.

[HipHopAus]

Hahaha this is fucking awesome. I love Patton Oswalt, though I feel like I'm cheating on Louis CK when I listen to other comedians. =/

[ThePokeyPictures]

@hardcoremutineer was that supposed to be funny

[TheChowder444]

Came in MY BRAIN!!!!!!!!

[AdrianZmommie1]

HAHAHAHA gooood shit

[kentekent]

"You're going to miss ervything cool and die angry"

That is just such a perfekt putdown! God! I love you Pat!

[DrStrangefate]

"Rape goblins."

Ho....LY....Shit....

Patton kills all.

[sewerrod]

The mexicans wont, maybe, but i wouldnt walk through a black neighborhood period

[jimfu1130]

16 people's mothers should have gone to Costco the morning after.

[themaximum9901]

@jimfu1130 We're up to 19 people with mothers who unfortunately couldn't make it to Costco.

[jmpmo03]

next time i encounter an asshole, I'll think to myself : "You will miss everything cool, and die angry."

[bowler3008605]

STUPID DOUCHENAZZLE

[Misfitbby]

"When my body returns to the loam and the cities are but dust, alien civilizations will know that I am a douchebag! The neuromancers walking the wastelands will carry high my standard of douchebaggery! I AM ONE WITH THE GODS!"

Oh god... my sides.

[weedjesus47]

MEXICANS BEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!

[rtdonnes]

Rape Stove!!!

[Pulverize222]

lol he mad

[ralphyetmore]

Oswalt is the real deal. Took a stoopid heckler and turned him into a 5 minute, solid routine.

[BeethovenVEVO]

@ralphyetmore

On the fly, no less.

Impressive, to say the least.

[allaboutdatGDA]

@ralphyetmore yeah, that shows just how funny he is. hey, when you really have no good material, its the next worst thing.

[MarioxLuigi89]

THRASHER!!!

[culvre]

i hate when people heckle good comedians.

[nonsenseical]

oh my god I'm literally crying right now. This is the funniest thing I've heard in a while.

[obviousypc]

Hah! That's how a pro works, take the situation and riff on it. Smart guy, that Patton! He could have gone the Kramer route and started screaming racist nonsense, but that ain't how he rolls.

[iheartdonut]

sweep the leg Johnny! LOL

[siemvandenberg]

haha the sheer amount of D&D references, Patton so totally is a eight lvl Ranger!

[atlien991]

What in the hell is wrong with white comedians? Pay a nazi to kick your girlfriend in the stomach? I never hear garbage like that at the clubs I frequent. Jesus.

[Juddenmar]

@atlien991 I think its all the mayonnaise and mac n' cheese they eat. Not sure.

[toasterbot]

He sounds awfully mad about his joke getting thrown off, I think the heckler won.

[cloud1937]

@toasterbot Well he got an extra 3 minutes of material that made people laugh harder than the heckler has ever made anyone laugh, so i think patton won.

[peanutsgang1028]

15 people lost signal..

[maskcode]

FUCK YEA. RAPE GOBLINS FROM THE GROUND!

[TheApatheticGuy]

Might seem painfully obvious, but I'm willing to bet a peanut butter sandwich that whole heckler bit was planned out.

[otakuadd]

@TheApatheticGuy I wouldn't be surprised if it was,I mean I can take something someone has said or done and make some funny comments off of it but he had alot for that one heckler.

[DarkHari]

LMFAO!!!

[Mikej1592]

ROFL "your gona miss everything cool and die angry" hahahahahah

[stickdudex]

"so we went to planed parenthood..were my cell phone didnt work"

[scooped13]

scare the rape goblins away

[christuimbirek]

gobbblin rapist madafuckers

[Podings]

You're gonna miss everything cool, and die angry. :)

[t4b5klh]

"im on basic cable, ..... i get pussy"

[razordu30]

Patton Oswalt is fucking amazing. The most impressive part is when he's going off about how the guy will be captured for eternity as a douchebag. It's obviously not pre-written, but the stuff he's saying is incredible and well-spoken.

Nerds rule.

[riKringkast]

I never knew Patton Oswalt was this funny.  He's awesome :D!

[702homie]

this is shit is hilarious

[BloodAndThunder00]

"You're going to miss everything cool and die angry".

Game set and match on that guys life.

[amt253]

@BloodAndThunder00 That's it. That's exactly it. Patton Oswalt just wrote his "Like A Rolling Stone."

[mrheyman]

lool really funny stuff! btw did anyone else notice he sounds like Dave Attell at some points, 1:08 to 1:18 and 4:11 to 4:13 and 6:55 to 7:00

[tommydafrog]

That's so funny because its Soo tru....and that guy wiggin out in the crowd just ruined a Patton Oswalt moment....and the doushnozzle still yellin!

[khatholic]

the rape goblins are coming! make a chicken noise!

[TheKingofnoob]

HE BETTER SAY PUSSY SOON!

AAAAAAAH

[Mopetefan9]

lol at 2:28-2:31

[UGADawgs555]

he better say pussy soon...AAAHH!

[DrinkSkateSleep]

he looks so baked in the picture. haha. this guys so funny

[thisisntagoodname]

I can't stop laughing at Patton's reaction. "And then we- OKAY?"

[painlessissuicide]

OWNED

[kensuke0]

This guy is awesome.

[MARCQWER889]

I can't believe I just read a discussion about black kids killing for shoes while listening to some funny shit!

LOL x 2!

[stickdudex]

it was nice that we had this vulnerable moment of humanity 15 seconds later the rape goblins were gonna come a rape us all lol wtf?

[stickdudex]

MEXICANS*BEEP aww man what the fuck lol.

[chAOStoob]

like viking sex on a burning ship!!! we're gonna DIE!!!!!

lolz

[yamon98]

Patton listens to the Pixies. he is a god

[zjc92]

Think the heckler was planted as part of the joke, but it was SO worth it.

You rule Patton.

[coltondemonte]

@zjc92 no it wasnt a plant, hes just good like that

[marredsun]

"You're going to miss everything cool and die angry." God that's amazing. Succinct and honest and biting and funny. Patton, you are a real person.

[dataslul]

Rape Goblins. Awesome.

[faszika]

kids suck so much

[randomwhiteguy8784]

you have to admit the heckler kind of saved his act because he was getting too deep into the pregnancy thing lol

[Kritter42]

@randomwhiteguy8784

No, he didn't, because the heckler RUINED THE MOMENT. He was going to turn around and get to the funny part and the contrast was going to be awesome, but the heckler KILLED HIS FUCKING MOMENT.

[Daelock]

I was at that show! Probably the funniest show I've ever seen.

[jimbad05]

umm.. black people do kill each other over shoes

[Tony2826]

@jimbad05 So do people of every other race. Your point?

[jimbad05]

@Tony2826 Oh yea, Asians and whites are always killing each other to get the newest air force ones, lmao!

[biafraiscool]

@jimbad05 that's based on economy, not race. people born from an African descent don't have it programmed in their brains to murder for shoes...

[jimbad05]

@biafraiscool Oh, so murders for tennis shoes would also commonly occur in trailer parks then, right?

[biafraiscool]

@jimbad05 this happens because expensive athletic shoes are marketed to inner city kids (predominately black). Therefore, more black kids buy shoes worth killing for. A lot of it also has to do with the huge surge of crack-cocaine use in inner cities. in the mid 80's crack-cocaine exploded in poor neighborhoods around the country. This led to a lot more crime, as people who became addicted needed more money to pay for the drugs. Killing for $100 shoes sounds like drug addict behavior.

[jimbad05]

@biafraiscool Uh huh, so you agree with me, black kids do kill each other over shoes.

[biafraiscool]

@jimbad05 yes, some black people kill other people for shoes, I'm just pointing out that its because of socioeconomic reasons, not because of some weird magical violence gene that for some reason affects only young black males. That would be kinda cool, though, if misinformed racial stereotypes were actually based on genetics, like if the reason why poor white people live in trailers was because they had a gene that made them like crappy pre-fab houses. That would be siiiiiiiick!

[kimonui]

gawd. even funnier!

[johnplaystuba]

"You're going to miss everything cool and die angry." Jeez I WISH i could say that to the kids I teach...

[terribleanalogies]

First of all, I love Patton's comedy.

Secondly, I understand that comedy isn't the literal truth (liberties are taken, obviously).

All that being said (and I can't resist for some reason), WHO HAD A CELL PHONE IN 1980?!?!?!?

Yes, I am a douche nozzle.

[DisgruntledTV]

I'm pretty sure he didn't have a cell phone in 1980

[fabregas213]

I bet after the two solid minutes of mocking that guy regretted screaming.

[tigerlibby28]

The morning after pill doesn't kill the baby. It thickens the lining in the uterus so the egg is less likely to attach. Cells haven't even begun dividing.

[skatercolin]

@tigerlibby28 It's true it does not. For a smart guy he should know that. The abortion pill is highly regulated obviously.

[tigerlibby28]

@skatercolin yup, I guess he'll never see this, lots of people make that mistake though so I was just putting it out there. It's interesting to have a "when life begins" conversation with an obstetrician though. I had a conversation with mine about stem cells, very interesting.

[skatercolin]

@skatercolin This is the CD version which was recorded after the included DVD. On the DVD he says prevents a baby or something, so he probably just misspoke here. The heckler is fucking hilarious. And his on the spot comedy about it. Very ironic that the same type of thing happens during the show where the DVD was recorded: a guy pisses on another guy and he says some funny stuff about it.

[aSheeple]

did he seriously just improv that whole douche-bag sketch? that was awesome.

[JoyGrenade]

Hands down the greatest comedian working today.

[FatMat426]

This guy is such a brilliant comedian! I never get tired of listening to his stand-up.

[mastershmiddy]

"You're gonna mis everything cool and died angey." I don't know about you, but if Patton said that to me, my mind would be turned upside down for the rest of my life.

[MethRattle]

Watching Patton on YouTube is good for my health.

[tvsdavid316]

Rape goblins!

[ara30291]

Lovin the Karate Kid reference.

[Philfa]

"When my body returns to the loam and the cities are but dust, alien civilizations will know that I am a douche bag."

Verbiage of that quality almost makes it seem like he planned ahead for the shouting moron and wrote that shit down.

[Philfa]

That wasn't a criticism, you fucking morons. I was saying he's so brilliant and quick on his feet that it SEEMS as though it were written. I don't actually think he wrote it down and planned ahead for the heckler. What a bunch of dumb, worthless cunts you are.

[MrMagneticPelican]

I agree with you, I have no fucking clue why your comment got thumbed down. Patton has a great vocabulary and apparently great at dealing with loud fuckwads in the audience.

[dataslul]

or, people that speak for a living are often really, really good at putting words together to hilarious effect.

[drgnmstrslash]

@Philfa Probably, any good comic has some stuff prepared for various heckles.

[rentetsu]

You're going to miss everything cool and die angry!

[drivebymessiah]

Does anyone know what the heckler yells at 7:08 right before Oswalt says, "Yes. See? See how it got fuckin louder literally..."

I can't tell, and its been bugging me.

[SBV123]

"Get him a body bag!"

[drivebymessiah]

And now I know but I don't get it. Fuck

[t4b5klh]

@SBV123  very wise daniel san

[quesondriac]

@drivebymessiah Apparently what the dumb douche bag did was make a chicken noise.

[xskatedierepeatx]

@drivebymessiah "Put em' in a body bag!" it's a line from Karate Kid.

[nothoughtisoriginal]

"i'm full of wisdom."

[liradeorfeu]

nothing short of great!

[brenshaw1987]

flippin hilarious!!!!!!!!! wierd my cell phone doesnt work... lol

[noobskater15]

good comedian!isn't he from king of queens?

[wanderingtaoist]

Rape goblins LOL!

[Darkangel3791]

you came in my brain epic lols this video is full of win

[metapede]

ouch... PO destroyed that heckler

[SayBitter]

If I could "thumbs-down" this comment 800 times, I would.

[ty970]

@SayBitter Not the beginning bit but the one about birth control which is what I meant ( which I forgot to put, my bad)

[Alex618mir]

"im full of wisdom"

[bgalli100]

Patton is the shit

[DinosaursAndWeed]

"MEXICANS! *beep*"

[Pandaman260]

your screen name is fuckin hilarious!!

[DinosaursAndWeed]

Haha, thanks.

[johannhc]

seriously?

[samashby08]

The ending is the best I think.

"You're gonna miss everything cool and die angry."

God I love comedians.

[InfectedDaemon]

"I am one with the gods!!!" was better in my humble opinion.

[johannhc]

That was my favourite.

[4L10715]

1:39

[RSCII]

"Dead-eyed 25 year-olds trudging around with their broods of failure trailing behind them..."

[killthefuckingenemy1]

I'd hate to see you at a funeral!!!

[racl101]

Patton Oswalt totally compensates for his lack in the looks department with incredible wit and insight. I wish I had his gift.

[mavriksfan11]

haha planned parenthood, where my cellpone didnt work

[PeteWentzRocks96]

Oh my god! I was laughing sooo hard I thought I was gonna puke!! haha Rape Goblins, I'm gonna use that sometime! haha Patton Oswalt is a flippin' master-mind!!!!

[edgar867]

man my face hurts with so much laughing.

[someamerican]

Rape goblins.....I died

[TheDrunkenCelt]

Hey now, those arent creatures to be taken lightly

[FilmSkater]

viking sex on a burning ship. lmao

[treedude69]

Sweep the leg Johnnie

[503goonie]

planned parenthood where my cell phone didnt work hahahahaha

[ZOMGDUDEWTFBBQ]

Don't ever fucking heckle Patton. WTF is wrong with you? His wit is sharper than a switch blade.

[Crackho18]

you came in my brain...ha ha awesome

[JermLeather]

HAHAHAHA, Rape Goblins!

That is my new favorite phrase..

nice Pixies name drop