Why Are Arranged Marriages So Successful? - Episode #55

[scorpio857]

Very well said. I am gad you mentioned that the parents let the kids decide if they want to get married. A lot of people including many Indians are under the impression that parents suggest a partner and it's final. It might be true in certain villages but definitely not in bigger towns and cities. Parents give the kids the liberty to choose and introduce them to several people. Also, in an arranged marriage, you have a wider choice since you get to meet new people.

[Ashluv1988]

Reason y it is a success can also b due 2 the mindset to accept 1's spouse 4 who they r rather than try 2 to fit them into d big list of expectations (each 1 has good or bad in them!) ..plus Women/men r willin compromise & give in, to prevent trauma to their children! any child needs both parents so they set aside any differences & live 4 them instead of optin divorce..now u kno why thier children wud let their parents decide 4 them! plus1 is happier as a big family than anythin else.. :)

[Ashluv1988]

I am from India.. and actually this is a great insight.. Yes... Parents know their children well.. there is lot of bonding between parents & children here.. In fact even my grandparents live with us & they too were a part in deciding my fiance ..!! we accept here that due to age and experience elders know far better than us.. whether it is judging people or taking decisions..we need to be humble enuf to consider they know better.. instead of thinkin that we always kno more than any1 else..

[TheFourFactors]

@Ashluv1988 well said. thanks for the comments!... ron

[wholelover]

I agree with the facts, adding that not just arranged marriages work best but also spontaneous marriages, where two strangers marry. However, India has other factors affecting them, such as decreased number of women. That means that a woman is becoming more and more important, hence decreased divorce rates.

[mba2ceo]

#1 reason for divorce is marriage. Divorce is 100% preventable. #2 reason Women rights.

[TheFourFactors]

@mba2ceo wow. pretty bold statements. can you elaborate a bit?

[dreamerstays]

It would be interesting to see divorce rates of love marriage vs arranged marriage in Asian countries. In the west it is convenient for women to divorce, they get bored with husband because he works long hours for family, lot of women press abuse charges without any mercy and take his money and bang other guys in the house he worked hard for...also theres an article about how friends discuss divorcing their husband and have fun after that, steal his money etc. Please wake up pussified manginas

[dreamerstays]

If you click the third link that search you will see interesting things and statistics.Like : among college educated people 90% of divorces are initiated by women..etc

[dreamerstays]

Type "percentage of divorce initiated by women" in google and o to divorce lawyer source. I cant find the current one but above mentions that in no fault divorce states its greater than 70%

Wiki they mentioned around 71% in 1975 and 65% in 1988.

[TheFourFactors]

@dreamerstays very interesting statistics. thanks for providing these!

[dreamerstays]

@TheFourFactors

You are welcome.

[dreamerstays]

Also american women are gold diggers and hypocrites, they always boast of independence, equality and refuse to cook, but make the man pay for dates and bills and take his money after divorce. And they lie that men are afraid of commitment when 70% of divorces are initiated by women. Even very educated and well to do asian women who come to US take marriage seriously, they work and can still cook and dont nag and complain..

[TheFourFactors]

@dreamerstays Is it true that 70% of US divorces are initiated by women? Can you provide a link to the data? Thanks.

[vsc94]

@AllGirlsWannaHaveFun-totally agree. Very well expressed , also when there r problems,both families make efforts to solve it whereas elsewhere the couple give-up at the first sign of trouble on the horizon!

[nehaniful]

Arranged marriages hardly ever result into a divorce because even after marriage the couple is always learning new things about one other and learn to deal with one other. The curiosity between one another leads to the attraction.

Am I right @thefourfactors ? :)

[TheFourFactors]

@nehaniful Certainly being curious about one another is a good thing that hopefully never wears off. Good observation on your part.

[AllGirlsWannaHaveFun]

im from a little muslim country called "comoros island" we still have arranged marriage too and i perfectly agree with that

parents will never find you a bad uneducated guy, they are always looking for "the best" someone with a good job, respectful, young from a good family and if it's the wrong guy they wont force u to get married at all

[TheFourFactors]

@AllGirlsWannaHaveFun That sounds along the lines of what I was thinking about arranged marriages. Thanks for your comment. :)

[mima739]

Thats truth sister because i am from these Islands too from Anjouan.

[PKPMom]

@2009mrdyslexia Actually, Aspergers shouldn't be a hindrance. There are a lot of Indian men with Aspergers. Usually a good level of education and $ will compensate for that. The parents' primary concern is whether a guy will be able to provide for their daughter and any future grandkids. Their second concern is whether there are any genetic illnesses that would affect their grandchildren. But I agree Indians need to become educated with dyslexia, etc. and realize it's not a fatal illness

[ubermensch826]

And in countries like India, the only way of obtaining knowledge about the other "half" of the fit is generally through these awkward "family dates" where both families sit around and ask superficial questions like "what's your salary?"

[TheFourFactors]

@ubermensch826 Yes, although if the families know one another really well then I guess they might already know some of this information.

[ubermensch826]

Wait I'm confused. Most people's argument for arranged marriage is that their parents "know them the best" (which isn't even true in a lot of circumstances), but ok, let's grant that. But tell me exactly how your parents know the OTHER person. If you admit that marriage is about finding the perfect fit, don't each set of parents only have one piece of the puzzle? (contd)

[TheFourFactors]

@ubermensch826 The idea is that the two sets of parents know one another and are compatible in some sense and that compatibility might transfer to their children.

[ubermensch826]

@TheFourFactors see the second part of my comment.

Also arranged marriage/the arguments in this video make so many assumptions.

1) a TWENTY FIVE year old doesn't know shit about herself. Most psychological studies indicate that the human brain is fully mature at around age 16/17.

2) That the parents are automatically going to know their kid better than the kid knows herself

3) Child has same goals as parents...like really? Most people take on different jobs as their parents nowadays. (contd)

[TheFourFactors]

@ubermensch826 I very much agree with #1. #2 seems like it contradicts #1. For #3 I don't think the goals have to be the same, but the values do.

[PKPMom]

@ubermensch826 Indian parents are micromanagers. They are intricately involved in the lives of their kids. And kids in turn trust the judgement of their parents. It's a difference in mindset. America value individualism whereas in most Asian countries, decisions are made by elders and kids just have to trust them to make the right decision. And an Indian kid is brought up with this mentality from day one so it's not alien to them.

[ubermensch826]

@TheFourFactors Also some things just can't be gauged through "conversations", i.e. you can't convey your personality/"communication skills" through an essay. You can say "I'm a fun-loving, outgoing person"..but so are 91820398123 people in this world. Ultimately conversations about personality will devolve into meaningless filler words/phrases like the one previously mentioned.

[TheFourFactors]

@ubermensch826 I think personality can be determined by spending some time together. And communication often requires some adversity to really understand. But again my point is that the child has some correlation to their parents in this regard and the parents to one another.

[PKPMom]

@ubermensch826 It's not just knowing about the other person. Indian kids are programmed from childhood to tolerate idiosyncrasies in others and overlook them to obtain a larger goal, i.e., a stable life. We grow up with extended families and have to learn to get along with multiple personalities. As long as one isn't an abuser, a drug user or philanderer, we are OK with most other personality quirks. The outlook of people is also different; they place more importance in stability for (cont)

[ubermensch826]

@PKPMom yeah i agree with you. just to clarify i wasn't arguing that "love" marriage is normatively good, simply refuting the claim that arranged marriages are more likely to result in deep interpersonal relationships than love marriages.

[PKPMom]

@ubermensch826 I don't mean this in a negative way but here's my observation. I live in the US but here I find that people are so formal with their partners and even though, one places a high value on communication and the depth in the relationship, people have a lot of barriers and boundaries with their partner. There's a lot of game playing and privacy issues, etc. Do you understand what I'm saying. Again, I don't mean to offend anyone, just curious.

[ubermensch826]

@PKPMom what do you mean "barriers"? I think close couples are close...new couples are new. I'd say some degree of privacy is common to virtually all cultures.

And like I said before, I agree with you on the difference in mindset thing. My comments were just to refute the claims in the video that somehow it will result in a "better" marriage in terms of interpersonal relationship.

[PKPMom]

@ubermensch826 Barriers meaning that a spouse will not read his/her partner's emails, letters, etc. Or each will have their own respective friends. We don't have that. We have no concept of privacy. Privacy only comes into play with maybe inlaws. But there's no such concept between spouses or between parent and child. As for better marriage, I think it has to do with how one is brought up. If you're brought up with Western values, it would be very difficult to acclimate to the Indian mindset.

[PKPMom]

@ubermensch826 (Cont) life for their children and sacrifice some of their personal goals. And for many that personal goal is their children. And they don't want to bring shame to their family with a divorce. So as long as there are no addiction problems, abuse and other deal breakers, they're happy to tolerate everything else.

[greenroseglass]

Excellent video. You understand the true meaning of arranged marriages better than most Indian Americans do. I will be old enough to marry in a few years and who can i trust most in this world to help me choose a life partner? My parents. Who else can know about my likes and dislikes and needs and wants? Thank you very much for this video.

[TheFourFactors]

@greenroseglass I'm glad you liked the video. Thanks!

[MissVillainess]

I'm having an arranged marriage. Will he assume to have sex that night? I'm scared to say no.

[TheFourFactors]

@MissVillainess That's something I don't know. But there seems to be several people who have commented on this video who are in arranged marriages. Perhaps one of them can help.

[zenobiacarmel]

This is from an Indian: The Indian culture is more repressive and divorce is still considered taboo. If you live in a country where you will be socially stigmatised, all your neighbours and friends, will poke at you., pass sarcastic comments and you and your children can be affected, even to the point of their prospects of marriage a whole generation later. You shut up and live with it. You live the living hell, for IZZAT "respect and "morality".

[TheFourFactors]

@zenobiacarmel I agree. And in many ways I think this is how things were in the U.S. prior to the 1970's when divorce wasn't very popular historically. Thanks for the comment.

[verrrr1]

@zenobiacarmel you are open minded

[Warlord650]

Arranged Marriage is a sick and twisted problem in this world

By promoting this idea you are promoting something that is causing more pain and suffering than you can imagine.

Please take this video down.

[TheFourFactors]

@Warlord650 I'm not suggesting that arranged marriages are good or bad. But instead I'm talking about different facets of such marriages. :)

[Warlord650]

@TheFourFactors

In india, arranged marriage is essentially a transaction. The womans family Usually must pay the mans family to take their daughter. At this point ownership of the female is transfered to the new husband away from her parents. Usually the meeting period is about 15-30 minutes before marriage. Many Indian men are abusive and this is considered ok.

You have no idea about the horrors of this cruel act, please do some research.

[TheFourFactors]

@Warlord650 Can you share with us more info about how prevalent this type of arranged marriage is in India versus other types?

[greenroseglass]

@Warlord650 The "payment" as you call it is the dowry. The dowry is the inheritance that the young woman brings to the marriage. It is like seed money so that the newlywed couple can begin a prosperous life together.

[PKPMom]

@Warlord650 Not anymore. Today, many girls are very educated and have economic independence. Dowry is illegal.

[anant14]

@Warlord650 ,

I come from India......so my views might differ.....but here's my take :

" We are all humans but still common values systems, religious views, ethnicity, language, nationality, geographical region, urban/rural upbringing, education level,

economic status, support and acceptance from extended family and responsibility to wards future generation" are all important "forces" behind any marriage.......One can ignore some of these , but it will be very tough to ignore all of them......

[anant14]

Please don't think there is no choice in arranged marriages....... Actually in India the language/region and caste communities are important.....Most people in South Indian middle classes (or North Indian also) are as progressive as you can get!

Parents do consult their children and there are thriving matrimonial sites ....

[greenroseglass]

@Warlord650 So are you saying that all the successful marriages in India are sick and twisted? FYI if you are being set up on a blind date by a friend or family member, it is arranged.

[PKPMom]

@Warlord650 Statistics say otherwise. Most Indian couples I know are quite happy and have very stable lives.

[jdoramaking]

Great video! I learned something to improve myself! In America, I think couples are too busy lying to each other and they're too busy fighting their parents. No wonder why things fail.

[megabrainwashed]

I am open to both..Dont see a difference in either..whats the big deal? do whatever that makes you happy

but good video.

[TheQueenGia]

India has a higher population it's actually a population crisis,but they still have the lowest divorce rates

[TheFourFactors]

@TheQueenGia Thanks for commenting!

[KillSwitchOnSteriods]

Wow this is a good view. I live in America and have always noticed arrange marriges seemed to work more so than unarranged. I think another factor is that in laws have a deeper relationship with their daughter/son in laws. More bonding in family you know? 15 years of bonding is a good start.....

[TheFourFactors]

@KillSwitchOnSteriods Thanks for the comment!

[hotasiangurl]

I do not think arranged marriage or the choice to choose ur partner has anything to do with divorce rates. it's a totally different issue. I believe divorce is very rare in India simply because the society views it immoral whereas in the US, it's sort of like normal if the couple don't agree. In India, they do their best to make marriages work while in the US, since divorce is legal and sort of like a normal thing to do, they resort to it as soon as they see the relationship falling.

[TheFourFactors]

Thanks for the comment. I definitely agree that in the U.S. we opt for divorce far too soon before trying to better work things out.

[hotasiangurl]

Nevertheless, great video. An eye opener to everybody. Keep it up!

[randommagnum]

There are undoubtedly other factors that play into the huge difference between divorce rates in the two countries, but I'm almost equally certain that what you are saying accounts for a large part of it. You know, if it were a situation where you had no say at all in who you married, I would have to be against that of course, but if it's how you say it is, where the family just kind of gets the ball rolling...well heck I'd probably be married by now myself!

Good video, good insight.

[TheFourFactors]

Glad you liked the video. Thanks for your comment.

[LeftFalangie]

Women's lib hasn't really manifested properly in India. Women are prepared to do a lot of compromising in India because they still think "that's the way it is", and you know, families are headed by the man, and so there's really not much room for disagreements, seeing as the woman goes into the marriage prepared for a somewhat subordinate role, even if it's a very subtle thing. You'll see that urban, educated Indians without this sort of problem are fine with the concept of divorce.

[Rajkumari916]

@LeftFalangie I was born and raised in california,the priest in the local temple arrange my marriage. I feel bad that you think the indian culture is so male dominated. I do not know even one indian women who has felt forced to marry or just accepts it, I had no family pressure from family and i still chose to have arranged marriage, i feel its better than wasting 5-10 years with someone having kids and then figuring out it doesnt work. i met my husband 3 times before saying yes, we are happy.

[pinksnakeboo]

i think arranged marriages are just a proof of low rate of education in the country... arranged marriages are not fair for the girls of for the guys ... it will ruine both their lifes and futures...parents have already lived there life they should not interfere in their children's life as well . divorce rate has nthn to do with this being successfull its just the law rate of freedom and knowledge and education in the country. Indian girls and boys the new generation must stand against this

[Rajkumari916]

@pinksnakeboo like i said in the other comment i was born and raised in california, had an arranged marriage no family influence since i dont have family, we are very happy, we do argue but we are not like many other couples who argue and divorce we workout our issues and we are even planning to have a baby soon. 

[TheSardar22]

this guy makes sense to me.

i am an indian, arranged marriage, we are happy couple, i believe it works well than love marriage, cause once u fell in love with someone, both families or parents have to adjust even though they like it or not whereas in arranged marriage its all done before and only u both have to adjust.

thanks

[katrinadomi]

My partner is Indian and from your speech I learn that you don't have any clue about indian culture. The couple is forced to be together by culture. Everything is set up for them to be together no matter what. For example, the wife knows that she can't return to her parents house no matter what. Because know she belongs to her husband. If her husband beats her or rapes her, she won't receive any support from her family....

[TheFourFactors]

I appreciate you writing, but find some of things you've said disturbing. I think there are several reasons that arranged marriages work and unfortunately one of them you have noted. Hopefully with time that will become less and less of the reason.

[katrinadomi]

It might sound disturbing but its the sad true. Another reason is that divorce is not legal in India. Have you seen the rates of divorce in America when it wasn't legal? Idk , but in my country was 0% and we always have had love marriage. India has 1%. Love marriage is better than arranged marriage then? You shouldn't see the divorce rates.

[greenroseglass]

@katrinadomi divorce is legal in India.

[nayyarz]

i'm indian and i think that most indians will agree that you have no clue about what you're saying. your partner must be from a backwards family. and in the villages in india such things exist. too be honest the fellow in the video is the first non indian that i have seen that actually has a pretty good insight on the topic. a lot of people are introduced to there partners by friends. isn't that a kind of arranged marriage?

[greenroseglass]

@katrinadomi You are thinking of something that may have happened half a century ago. Keep up with the times. In fact Indian women generally return to their parents' house when they get pregnant for the first time.

[supraking21]

Great info Will use in my speech

[dvarblo]

Feminist movement...Simple as that.

[seemashah123]

U are done wrong analysis.... the main reason why marriages in india are successful(?) is society pressure....

In india even if husband and wife won't like each other or found something wrong in their relationship, they won't take divorce... because familly of both the bride and groom force them to be continue with the marriage... it's a prestigious issue for their familly...

So don't think Indian marriages are successful just by seeing the low divorce rate...

[TheFourFactors]

Thanks for the comment. I think you've pointed out one of the reasons Indians have lower divorce rates -- they have societal and familiar pressure to stay together. In some cases this likely allows then to work things out in a way they wouldn't have without this pressure. In other cases, as you imply, it may cause them to stay together even though they are a bad fit.

[Cydney501]

You make an interesting case, but I wonder if there are consequences in India that help to keep the divorce rate low(?). Maybe it's more difficult to enter into a marriage in some of the countries with low divorce rates in the first place. No quickie Vegas weddings...? I think that divorce rates are high in the U.S. because marriage itself is not valued. Marriages are completely disposable here--plain & simple.

And I agree with Julianne too.

[TheFourFactors]

Thanks for the comment Cydney. I agree -- there are likely multiple factors involved. But I do think one important one is the influence of parents and their role in arranged marriages. Thanks!

[greenroseglass]

@Cydney501 Yes, we are taught the value of marriage and family from childhood. It is a long process to pick your soul mate. Multiple factors are involved and it could take your parents anywhere from a week to three years to decide whether or not a certain person is right for you. One thing is for sure. Indian marriages, regardless of religion are not disposable,

[Julianne159]

I agree with what you said but... I also think in India the culture and education is a lot different, obviously, and maybe some couples stay together just because they got married and they believe that a marriage should just be done. That doesn't necessarily mean it should work well.

Damn!Relationships are hard. Ufff Why do guys have to be so different than women? Why are they selfish bastards no matter how sweet or rational they seem? Why do we suffer so much for every stupid thing they do?

[TheFourFactors]

Thanks for the comment Julianne. Yes, there are other factors in India that could also contributed to the very low divorce rate. Men are selfish bastards? I didn't know that. Can you elaborate? ;-)