Tiger Woods Fails To Qualify For Sex With Dive Bar Waitress

[ellsworththeman]

Lionel Messi under investigation for taking cookies from cookie jar

[colddrake80]

This was a funny episode but they seemed a little low on energy. Still a lot of fun.

[mattdekitkat]

What Tiger, 9 holes isnt enough for u?

[iamtheplauge]

Noboby should have sex with Steve Stricker.

[Ris200]

are these real people?

[heAdXsHotzz]

lol i love the stuff at the bottom

[mrgoodstuff1990]

"and i'm Doc Brooks, get out of my face before I knock your mouth back with my bright metal back" lol

[InnerCH1]

I love the title..

"he FAILED to qualify for sex lololol"

[pcdokken]

I always have to go back and rewatch the videos like 2 or 3 times because I get distracted by the little text at the bottom and miss the dialogue...

[AttackWalrus86]

Who doesn't hover above that 'skip ad' button, and skip it as soon as they can, ignoring the lame ass advertisement.

[ttmilbr]

I love how shitty they are toward each other. Just like Around the Horn or whatever. "Why watch children do anything". "the guy who caught Jim Thome's home run is giving it to Derek Jeter". Where do they come up with this stuff..

[bvanhaun]

"hey gurl who is soft and pretty i am going 2 hug & kissu and do it real good 2 so u will ask me 2 do it agiain" lol, i fucking love it

[Utrilus]

hey does the onions website hav a full length version? pleas tell me if so or if not so case i ain't going to check

[steviebkhall]

Great vid. thanks

[disfiguredhope]

"Mets send three players down to mines" hahahahahha

[JamesCalico]

This is awsome!

[poesyfan28]

best name change for michael vick!

[voxAETHER]

is this all timed improve? cause they are great

[ps2nolimits]

i love this new sports format

[MODD3RI]

these are awesome

[MightyLion70]

Tiger Wood's text message is the funniest thing I have ever read lol!

[15468126813846516548]

scroll up and read the ticker

[jffersontube]

The kids have no fundamentals lol

[TalaricoSportsTalk]

Nnnamdi Asomugha puts on extra N in off season

LOL!

[amirul264]

@TalaricoSportsTalk i dont get it :s

[TalaricoSportsTalk]

@amirul264

read the bottom

[amirul264]

@TalaricoSportsTalk i know. and i think i got the joke now :p

[vistory]

just remember, its still baseball, you can still drink to it!

[SneakehNub]

Petition for The Onion radio station in GTA V

[ThriceDog]

@SneakehNub holy shit that is a fantastic idea, email rockstar

[chaz618]

@SneakehNub YES. YES, THAT NEEDS TO HAPPEN, If there is a God, he will make that happen!

[patko1610]

if they wlouod launch their own tv channel i wloud buy a television

[ballsruoff]

I could've sworn that he said his name was dark brooks, not doc, which would make a lot of sense

[itsstheBOSS]

1:02 --- "Kevin Kolb's On-Field Death Raises Questions About His Toughness" LMFAO

[L0rdofdarkness316]

Old Onion was better.

[cyanmanta]

The LLWS is like legalized child torture. Kids don't want to play baseball all summer; let them have some actual fun for a few months. Christ, as soon as the series is over, they have to go right back to school. What kind of a summer vacation is that?

[626productions]

@cyanmanta when I played Little League all I wanted to do was play ball all summer. To those kids, baseball is fun, except for the kids who are forced to play by their parents, but they aren't ever good enough to get on the all star team let alone the world series

[DoguOgu]

"too many cooks in the sex kitchen"

[FtotheIzzle]

'ooooh shutup, shut your mouth doc'

[CBChrisbrown333]

"Kevin Kolb's on field death raises questions about his toughness" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

[saleri]

1:41 WTF WAS THAT!?!??!?

[alexd765]

i almost died when he said that the guy who caught thomes 600th homerun is giving it to jeter

[EBOWARRIOR]

fucking little league lol.

[ah332]

THIS IS AMAZING. KEEP THIS SEGMENT GOING, ONION

[averyshikanai]

I don't know why I keep on scrolling to the top comments, everyone it just spoils the rest of the video for me.

[21sibs21]

I liked the Steam Room better.

[nesseline]

Isn't the guy on the right the one from the video about a job applicant at a tv station who is mistaken for a king of an African country or sth?

[GoatBarn]

@nesseline - Ahhh...no. He's your mother pimple dick....

[EugenKaalikas]

Why don't they also fake the delay that's caused by the distance during a satellite conversations!

[Lorric101]

@EugenKaalikas Please. The Onion News Network is beyond such primitive restrictions.

[alfredoking14]

i've sent texts like that on some of my drunker nights.

[unit973]

PLEASE put more of these on! these guys killed me xD

[DefinitionIsGone]

These two bastards are hilarious! More!

[itsandrewbiotch]

is this real?

[allzips96]

@itsandrewbiotch yep

[Stormer94]

That's awful, nobody should have to have sex with Steve Stricker... LOL

[Nathan5828]

0:34

Black guy has to stop himself from laughing

[shafta99]

culpepper is better than boller, he's the only quarterback that would fumble the ball without anyone touching him like he was holding a hot potato and was like here you take it to the opposing team.

[LandonPeotMusic1]

the guy on the right is hilarious!

[LuneyTune72]

Sometimes the only thing that reminds me that these videos are fake is the Onion logo in the corner.

[tomthefunky]

Michele Obama is a tranny.

[GKTiffanyMariah]

WHEEZY WAITER

[heymisterderp]

The key to great golf is getting tons of bleached blonde pussy!

[theLaserblue]

"hey gurl who is soft and pretty i am going 2 hug & kissu and do it real good 2 so u will ask me 2 do it agiain" hahaha

[roger62383]

I didn't laugh once.

[superskater4]

this is supposed to be making fun of PTI hahahahha

[eviltube1111]

Fucking love how he says shut up before he even talks

[laurierchick11]

mmmmm dive bars.

[Zzyyxxyyxx]

Wow, Tiger's really hit the skids when he can't even out playa a gawky white golfer?

[gluesniffer2]

thumbs up if you read the crawl at the bottom

[footupyoarse2]

fix your fucking mic!



[MustbeTheBassest]

Ahahahaha, ok this was a lot better than I thought it was going to be. GJ

[corgizx]

"Trail of Peanut Butter Lead Zambrano Back to Cubs" Lol. It's funny because he's fat.

[rorcon]

I liked the Sportsdome better.

[kuru72]

The guy at the beginning actually looks orange wtf...

[niriop]

It's too long...the joke "loses itself"

[KristovGaedkavich]

LOL this is hilarious haha.... makes fun of that stupid ESPN show that i can't remember what its called where they just argue for a half hour.

[dgc325]

@KristovGaedkavich PTI, Pardon the Interruption

[KristovGaedkavich]

@dgc325 Ahhh i was thinking uh... around the horn or whatever but that too!

[JackNeet]

Since Tiger turned evil he's been sportin' an evil goti. Cool.

[craapula]

I get drunk first thing in the morning.

[PressA2Die]

"i need to go and shave my whole body" XD

[TheHorsehouse]

Too many cooks in the sex kitchen....classic

[dandanthefontaineman]

Ovechkin coughs up tricycle. ROFLLLLLLL

[welcometobadboy]

both of you speak shit.. especially the guy who shoúld've saved his money from the green mile... man lay down the pipe. ugh this makes me sick

[philipsidney]

A satire of a show I would never watch.

[JeffyDahmerJr]

Alexander Ovechkin coughs up tricycle.

[hensomm]

Missouri D:

[otheus]

Kevin Kolb's On-Field Death Raises Questions about his Toughness.

[Justification75]

WOW 1:40 MADE ME JUMP

[razarsenal180]

I love how even the minute hand on the clocks are different.

[gregaaron89]

Was this supposed to be funny?

[AddictedToMilo]

i think this is funnier if you're american...

[Xezatt]

whatever....dont give a fuck

[strijkbout12]

that twitter feed gets worse with the minute, hahahaha!

[vladabas]

"Serena Williams blood clot to host daytime tv talk show"

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

[vozakian]

This is one of the best ones in a long time!

[proiciu]

"you get drunk first thing in the morning, your opinion is irrelevant" hahaha

[MrGreenpo1son]

@proiciu hey girl who is soft and pretty i am going 2 hug & kissu and do it real good 2 so u will ask me 2 do i again

[proiciu]

@MrGreenpo1son I'm a guy you fucking pervert

[MisterDyer]

@proiciu He was quoting the text in the video

[proiciu]

@MisterDyer upsie, I take it back then

[SouthernOregonOrgani]

"the total hopelessness, i love it" hahahahahaha

[2Dzz]

"Robinson Cano Likes: Sportscars

Sammy Medina Likes: Robinson Cano"

[dclaver2]

The end was brilliant.

[Rolandzebub]

"You think the coaches of those teams are sober? Think again!"

[SoccerDudeACW]

sports dorm?

[Devicty]

awesome

[papouliot]

yeah i was!

[B0oR4dl3y]

2:47 GET REAL!

[B0oR4dl3y]

2:48 GET REAL!

[29nomnomnom]

Alex Ovechkin coughs up tricycle 

[confusedkid6]

lmfao! hes kinda like family guys Ollie

[To411u]

LOL this reminded me of Pardon the Interruption.

[itisnotmeMARCO]

"Lionel Messi under investigation for taking cookies from the cokkie jar

[voyeurdug]

Thome just signed with the Indians!!!

[NoiDontWantFries]

"Trail Of Peanut Butter Leads Carlos Zambrano Back To Cups" HAHA

[foxybiroxy]

hmmm, I guess you only get this if you are into sports.

[ThemVaiders]

"hey gurl who is soft and pretty i am going 2 hug & and kissu and do it real good 2 so u will ask me 2 do it again" - saying this to every girl i see

[hotdrumchick]

1:40......Fuckin Shit!!!

[ezelouie]

there can never be too many cooks in the sex kitchen

[toadftw23]

I died at the last one.

[poseidon206]

This I swear is funny.

[doctorjohn666]

Oh my fucking god the kevin kolb text was hilarious

[MinnesotaTwinsFan94]

screw yankees

[MinnesotaTwinsFan94]

Joe Nathan caught Jim Thome's 600th.

[andrespereyda]

i guess u have2b in2sports

[RamblingWreck21]

"Trail Of Peanut Butter Leads Carlos Zambrano Back to Cubs."

Oustanding!

[snellman1951]

He just needs 18 hoes. Then everything will be fine

[frogTape]

Lol I live in Missouri. I'm the better part of it thankfully.

[jgcane]

bottem lines funnier than those guys

[ps2nolimits]

love it

[dackattac]

This was hilarious. I hope they keep these guys and this format around.

[adamluce]

The guy on the right used to be the sports anchor for the fox station in boston

[digital2500]

@adamluce He also used to be sports anchor for the CBS station in DC!

[afronathan]

What an amazing text message XD

[Seriously3000]

Fucking a, that graphic at the end is funny.

Sammy Medina, Likes: Robinson Cano

Robinson Cano, Likes: Sportscars

[UnderDogFourSix]

Perfect parody of PTI, somebody get these guys a pulitzer.

[billsdynasty09]

"Brett Favre texts Colt McCoy pictures of how to play quarterback"

[PyroNinja713]

Hey, I live in Missouri. It really should be burned to the ground though...

[bonelessBob]

rex grossman confident redskins will win NFC East by cutting him hahaha

[culwin]

Nice, more GOOMF!

[wydok]

LOL, Kevin Kolb's dead.

[Boehoehuahoei]

Pardon the interruption parody is awesome! :D

[squirrelywrath2]

you get drunk first thing in the morning and your opinion is irrelevant. I am so stealing that.

[MacGruber94]

That was amazing.

[Mustyrat]

Most epic onion i've ever seen.

[iOnlyUseBigGuns]

Man, I can't wait to sell my jersey signed by Hate-Dogfighting Vick. Easy cash.

[thugzhill]

do more of there sport segments!

[Maybelater1018]

LOL Fuck Forever, thumbs up for babyshambles

[alwaystextback]

"There's nothing that kills me more than children on TV when there should be tennis."

God, thank you for sports coverage on The Onion.

[mawoodtt]

Loved it

[UnboundLegend]

Ovechkin ate a tricycle!

[spacefannumber1]

watch the video twice. once for the talk show, the second for the written words screen at the bottom

[volunteernation16]

@spacefannumber1 c'mon..

[Mmmkay15]

I can't wait to get home and shave my whole body. LOOOL

[articcoyfox]

Don't know what these guys are talking about. I sent Tigers text message to a girl and it worked!

[anything4what]

Ahaha that text message was perfectly written.

[AleXGT7]

at 00:43 I thought he said cunt o.O

[TheTramsen]

LOL these are really funny, reminds me of the shit like O'reily show and Glenn Beck's show

[machewbaccas]

Don't send 3 Mets players down the mines! Didn't you see The Onions report on how bad they are?

[salamut2202]

Get out of my face or I'll put my dick in it!

[Fancysymbol]

Mets send 3 players down to mines"

[ADeadlyPenguin]

who else got freaked out when the first alarm rang

[megamurg]

"Kevin Kolb's On-Field Death Raise Questions About His Toughness"

lololol

[Merc89PSU]

LOL Thome....Derrick Jeter XD

[PlayItPoolman]

Too many cooks in the sex kitchen.