A Light Drifting in the Darkness: the Internet and loneliness [SeaInsideHer]

[gizzytiersen]

On a purely shallow level my initial impression is that aesthetically you are very attractive. Empirically you are bonny. I've had mental health and self esteem issues which I don't go into on YT. But the uglier and older I've got the better I've felt about myself. Perspective. I take pleasure in little things and trust that the bigger picture will sort itself out. As for Uni. I feel for students nowadays. All that stress, effort and not enough reward for it (not in all cases though)

[AlvinSawdust]

How can I help. I want to fix you but I never can...Please chill. It is painful for me to watch you suffer andI cab say there are people who do care and want to help. Try not to think to deeply about issues. :) Luv

[ashley060189]

To add to my last comment: it sounds like you're falling down the same rabbit hole that I've coped with for quite some time. Between chronic pain & stress in general, it's easy to keep falling deeper & deeper into that black hole. But believe it or not, sometimes it's helpful to see just how far the rabbit hole goes (within reason, anyway). Fear of the mental/emotional unknown can paralyze us more than we realize.

[ashley060189]

I think these feelings are actually pretty typical amongst university students. As someone who is attending university at the moment, I sometimes start to feel very bogged down in hopelessness & lack of faith that my hard work will lead me anywhere anytime soon. But it isn't just about academics-- this leaks into other aspects of my life, too. The things that have helped me the most (believe it or not) have been (a) volunteer work, and (b) writing. Sounds miniscule, but it helps.

[AlvinSawdust]

You think too deeply about certain things that although you wish to improve, they can never be fixed the way you hope. Please just try and relax a bit more. You'll drive yourself mad otherwise.

[SpringtimeRosePetals]

your thoughts are so very deep, and so profound. i watched your entire video very attentively. your words really struck me, and triggered much introspection. i mean all of that sincerely.

xx

[SordidWaif]

I hear a light in the dark... I see a sound in the silence...

[SordidWaif]

When you feel the first tickle of the Grey Wash that becomes despair, and it becomes commonplace but no one else seems to experience it... that's when the grey starts becoming a black sludge..."I am separate from them, and soon they will notice." And your Nightmare is given life in Day Light... they do notice something... the difference was probably arbitrary but becomes a festering sucking wound that they soon recoil from. And you can't escape it then...

[SimonDB2006]

I Love how you share... I think you have a beauty inside and out, I would love to get my hands on you and redesign your beauty... Kisses!

[hillarythompson00]

neurosis only attaches itself to fertile ground where it can flourish

[FuckingMudaFucker]

ps.. you need a new cam theres a lot of hiss from the cam your using :p

[FuckingMudaFucker]

live up to your own expectations not to those that surround you. i might be a little drunky wunky lol but iv learned from life thatb you can only live for yourself and ....hopefully people will respect you for that and want to follow your train of thought. im possibly at the lowest iv been since i discovered youtube but i realise that i...me ....am the center of my world and i will let only those in that will be there for me or offer me inspiration. you are who counts first and foremost jess ...

[AnnikaGarratt]

prostitute ourselves to the light, haha well it pays well!

[AnnikaGarratt]

YOU'RE HIDEOUS!! joking. you're gorgeous. i put a full face of makeup on today hoping it would cheer me up, but it didn't. i feel better without all that annoying crap on my face.

[akpret]

you have a talent of a mind and a talent of singing and you can play an instrument. who needs to look good? well you dont look bad either. im not worthy lol.

[dewinthemorning]

For the third time I am coming back to this strange video of yours.

0:32, "I'm ugly." That's not true. Such thoughts are characteristic of your age. But you are not alone. I felt the same at your age, but now, looking back, I know I wasn't right. And neither are you.

You are very corageous to talk to you tube about yourself. I'd say (in your own words) "Fuck it", and stop analyzing things to death.

[Brudof]

I don't think you're ugly at all, and I'm not just saying that to make you feel better.

[baller1069]

Boundlesseyes - smoking weed will only intensify these ego delusions that you sometimes get lost in...

The concept of beauty is all ego...

When some people smoke, these ego fears of not being beautful enough, smart enough, cool enough all get magnified...

[DazedNC0nfuzed]

i think you're gorgeous.

[SeppukuDoll]

I personally think you're beautiful. Plus I like women au naturel.

[niriop]

Know exactly how you feel: maths exam in eight days, could make or break my uni choice, no energy to revise properly, inability to really care. Own worst enemy.

Profound stuff; sometimes its like looking in an emotional mirror. Its as though the depressive is ashamed of their own existence, and yet is selfishly driven to draw others in and themselves deeper. Its a hideous dilemma of being perpetually miserable, and yet be unable to suppress and conquer Schopenhauer's "will to life."

[2bsirius]

I hope that someday women we won't judge ourselves by our heads & the physical. We won't even be unable to even understand why it seemed so important.

The way I studied [did revision in British speak ¦:¬) was to tell myself that in spite of the odds, I would do well, and I'd set a timer and study for around 45 minutes. No longer. Then a break. Finding study partners helped. Lots of those in my classes were as adrift as I was and we were a little less adrift if we did the revision together.

[2bsirius]

(2)

OMG the typos in my comment...and I'm not stoned even stoned. I won't correct them. I'll say that one of disadvantages of trying to do well at university is that it made me hyper-aware of my typos and writing mistakes and made fell I had to compulsively correct them.

Oh, one more thing. I'd also try to think the worst. What if it happened? What if I failed every course. I'd go get a job and try again later. That actually helped me relax for some reason.

Best wishes on the exams!

[2bsirius]

(3)

Yup, I need to do an errata on my errata...I'm all thumbs because I want to go out for a bike ride and some days it's harder than others to just do that , SO I procrastinate.

Enough! I'm gone...Again, best of luck on the exams, and don't make stupid mistakes, like the ones I'm making here.

:)

[BornUnderABadSign89]

it's hard to be around a depressed person. too much for some people. that's what i've found anyway

[kvaks3000]

BounlessEyes: You're not supermodel-pretty, but you are definitely above average. You're attractive, absolutely no question.

[velvetporcupine]

"The unspeakable sadness... The terrible loneliness... Is it any wonder that they spend their time all huddled together, talking, drinking, with loud music filling the air?" - Something from a R. Crumb comic I came across shortly after watching this.

Actually, reminds me of my favourite Hunter S. Thompson quote, about hell being the place where everything is picket fences, asides the few people that know what is missing. Much love to you for being one of the oddballs. This was a brave video.

[missaquaboogie]

I still don't have a click that I hang with on weekdays or weekend...i am a loner...I'm just lucky that I somehow found a partner in crime lol still I struggle, worry...I have a roomate now and I dislike it cause I prefer to be by myself. I do LOVE my cat and prefer her company any day.

[missaquaboogie]

I'm glad I ditched university...I was close but fuck it. I am happier now and I've met more people like me on YT...so I'd pick that. I am lonely...this society BREEDS loneliness cause I don't meet people who want to be honest with themselves...it really sucks being so alone but you get used to it...it makes me sometimes an awkward person

[streamlifely]

Hi, Yeah, you have that kind of cinema verite quality,which is most admirable.

[streamlifely]

The young make love, the old make obscene gestures.

Make love, not war.

Whoever speaks of love destroys love.

[IChoseTheRedPill]

it may be of little consolation but you're not alone, others including myself can relate with your feeling of loneliness... my own mental illness causes me to experience loneliness whenever i'm in a down cycle...

you possess a rare combination of personal qualities... brains and beauty... i'm shooting straight from the hip...

U are Exquisite...

[Curas1]

I think you are bueatiful without your make up on, you did a few videos like that.

Sometimes you make me mad and sometimes it's clear we wouldn't be the kind of people to get along.

But besides finding you attractive I find you intresting, maybe that's why I find you desirable.

But it's like the kind of attraction you would find for a actress, you know you will never be personally involved with them, I'm just glad you are on youtube.

you had me at "oh hi, I'm laci green' LOL!

[lateralpazwalk]

I'm a manic depressive as well, so I like it when people share. It just feels better knowing I'm not alone. Though that's kind of cruel when you think about it - wanting other people to suffer what you've suffered...

I'm at a really low and hopeless point in my life right now... basically I'm desperately trying to get to an art school in London, but it's seeming harder and harder the more I work on it. It's the only way for me to get to a place where I can make music that reaches people.

[lateralpazwalk]

@lateralpazwalk Wow, I don't know why I just put my life details right there. I forgot to mention that another reason I want to get to London is so I can meet people and have friends, have connections, something I've never had.

Loneliness is suffocating me, but at least suffocation eventually kills you.

[TheGraniteFlaneur]

Are you stoned?! I felt many of these feelings when I was stoned all the time. I stopped and two weeks later I felt a little better. I'm still ugly though. Stopping smoking won't change that.

[BoundlessEyes]

@TheGraniteFlaneur Yeah, I'm stoned. Constantly. But I was a mental patient first.

[scarletspeed7]

One thing you should remember is that if you came to America, people would find you much more attractive than you realize because you have a British accent. Still, I think one of the hardest things to wrestle with is self-criticism.

[bikemessenger7]

I think "we" can do something about it in fact. that you trust your instincts and keep sharing the way you feel you need to and want to. that others will respond with attention and Ideas in a way that lets you know you are heard, if not completely understood. I would describe you as a river that has lots of boulders and lava rock along its bank, the river will keep tumbling until most of those rocks are worn smooth over time, then the river will roll on with only a few ripples. yours Earl

[jamiethomsonssongs]

Forgive me if i'm overstepping the mark here, i get the sense that you don't create an ideal to display to people, because unlike the majority, it's more or less a neccessity that your relationships are based on truth. Besides that, if you impress someone with a watered-down or fictional version of your true character, then to keep them interested you basically have to live a lie, which in my humble opinion is average, but by no means normal, and in it's way even more unhealthy than isolation.

[Bippledot]

Does it hurt you to share things that you see as shameful experiences? It really hurts me and scares me to share such personal things. It makes me feel like I'm betraying the people I'm "outing", even if they did something really wrong to me. I'm the perfect victim, I guess. I try to fix this, but it's not quite happening... All I know is I'd rather bury that stuff than dig it up. It's easier for me to quietly suffer than to tell other people and relive the things that make me uncomfortable.

[Bippledot]

Do you like incense or candles? This might sound kind of silly, but maybe you could burn something nice and warm smelling while you work on your degree. I've been spending a lot of time alone in my room as well. Vacation just started, all my friends are gone somewhere else and I haven't left for home yet, so I've pretty much just locked myself alone in my room. I don't know how it works for you, but little things, details like a nice clean smell and sunlight can really calm and lift my mood.

[tattooskin72]

stop insulting yourself... you are gorgeous, inside and out.

I've been doing pretty well maintaining hopefulness... but I do get down every once in a while. Especially when I think about growing old and lonely. Not that I am lonely now, but how will I feel in another decade or so if I am still single and unable to find anyone who is willing to be understanding about all my oddities. As if anyone is truly "normal" anyway... but yeah. That's actually been my funk the past couple days.

[Nuron666]

Jess

If you really think your ugly, you would not bother making any videos showing your face.

I dont think your ugly and most people here dont think your ugly.

If they did think that way, they would not even bother coming on your channel.

[BoundlessEyes]

@Nuron666 Nuron, your first point is incorrect. I really think I'm ugly, I just don't hide under a rock.

Second point: Thank-you, and I'm sure they feel mixed about it.

Your third point implies that no-one cares what I have to say and come here merely to look at me. I'm sure that's not true.

[Nuron666]

@BoundlessEyes I think people see someone who is vulnerable and they see a reflexion of themselves from you. Maybe thats why people come here.

They also see someone who as a good heart. You have good morals. You should be proud of that. You are a much better person than me. I have a lot of racism and bigotry within me.

Compared with me your an angel.