Characteristics of Adult Children of Abuse -- Roy's Story

[tulanekid]

Thanks for posting this. I am from Johannesburg, but moved to the States when I was a kid...father was/is an incredibly angry and emotionally abusive man. I could relate to many of the characteristics you describe relating to children of abuse. I am 25 and hope that I can sort this out so as to live a nice life, and not repeat the abuse I suffered on my own children should I have any. Thanks again!

[SaraStarr24]

I'm a second generation of alcoholics. “Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” We alway steer away from this word serentiy and bravery. Giive peace know I can n;t change my parents or myself only God can. Bravery to stop blaming, leaning and craving their life. The knowledge and understanding to know the difference from your word.

[lookadis]

THANK YOU FOR THIS! You help me see how this can be spoken of in an informative and even entertaining way, that won't frighten the "normals." This was pure serendipity for me, I'm (hopefully) starting therapy tomorrow (if they'll take me). <3

[lmollot]

when there is so much child abuse- we recognize it is a cultural, social problem- which cannot be cured by individual, psychological "therapy"- change the structure of patriarchy culture - return to the matriarchy womens clans - legitimacy of children thru the mother & her mothers clan group- do it for the future generations of children

[lookadis]

@lmollot If only it wasn't the mothers whaling on their kids as well, and sometimes their menfolk too. PLEASE don't feed us that "women are angels" crap. Not so.

[lmollot]

teachers & priests started all kinds of child abuse in society- replace them with mothers/grandmothers clan groups- well supported mothers, many mothers- longhouses & farm collectives-security sexual safety for mothers & children- video "MATRIARCHY CLANS PROTECT MOTHERS & YOUTH"

[lmollot]

highly educated dean of universities- have child sex abuse traffick rings- professionals promote the myth that child sex offenders are uneducated unemployed- this myth & the law protect rich educated pedorapists- see video "conspiracy of silence"- my family rich not drunk-all abuses-2 siblings suicided (maybe murders)- return to matriarchy clans like iroquois women longhouses=solutions

[lookadis]

@lmollot I appreciate your pain but if you think there wasn't abuse by Iroquois men AND women, you're deluding yourself. It is PEOPLE, of all stripes, who do this to any creature they have power over, when they themselves have not learned how to honestly handle their own emotions. There are plenty of women abusers. I know.

[EvilCakeFairy]

Thank you for creating this. You tell our story very well. I grew up verbally and emotionally abused and physically neglected, and identify with all of this. Oh, the stories we could share. I'm doing well now, but . . . everything you mention is still what I carry with me. We're not like everyone else.

[lookadis]

@EvilCakeFairy Oops I was thumbs-downing someone else and hit yours by mistake. I tried to give a thumbs up to correct my error, but Youtube won't let me take it back! SORRY! Yours is a great comment.

[ZenTractor]

Awesome presentation! Very honest, personal, introspective stuff. It is so well put I know this is bound to be very helpful and eye opening to ease suffering on all sides of these and similar issues. Sharing your experience is fine example of Ubuntu, in the Bantu sense of the word. (our connection to ALL others).

[sisalrug]

Trying to assess my life at 41 I realize my mom is an alcoholic and I will go down the same path if I don't change. For the first time I realized I could type 'children of alcoholics' onto YouTube and maybe get something besides music to listen to while I'm working. This is the first thing I saw . Thank you.

[afg45]

Just saw this....Thank you Roy.

[GodSheLoves]

Thank you for sharing your testimony. You will get better. You're very good at story telling by the way. It is very honorable that you care to help people out with similar struggles. You will be okay. :)

[RaeRae914]

Jesus poor kids ..

[cunnidvd]

Thanks for the video Roy. Normal people would be shocked and deeply saddened. I'm just deeply saddened.

[qualityliving07]

Excellent video. Thank you!

[Flannelbelly]

What a powerful movie. I related to your story from my childhood memories. I have had a lot of therapy and want to work in stopping violence towards women and children. We can move on to healing and happiness.

Lyn Australia

[australischenberline]

thankyou...

[Gecko1265]

thanks for advocating for us that slipped through the cracks and are now adults going WTF!!

[anamasteos]

I've watched this video several times. I felt the same way you did after hearing the list of 13 characteristic that adults of abuse tend to have. I'm so thankful that you shared this. I think I shall contact this group in my area and find out when they meet and if the group is closed or open to new comers. Thanks again.

[anamasteos]

This is the best video I have ever seen. You are to the point. You hit the nail on the head with everything you listed. 5 stars ***** and in favorites!

*****FIVE STAR VIDEO EVERYBODY***** (since we have to do it for ourselves now)

[carolwade]

Thanks for the video Roy; one day at a time.

[emmzlee]

I liked your video Roy. Both my parents were and still are drinkers and in a small house with 5 kids it was an insane environment. I read the same book about 4 years ago and have turned my life around because of it. I'm at university (I left school with no qualifications) and am looking to the future. I still have bad days, sometimes weeks, but they pass eventually. To anybody who's suffered I hope my story helps. All the best. :)

[atuocool]

Thank you Roy. I really admire your courage. I've been in AA and Alanon for 4 years but I'm still struggling with myself. Constantly feel scared.

[Maliziosa]

Thanks for sharing your story, I ran in it while looking for information about child abuse. Until a year ago I had no memories of my childhood (I'm 43 now) but I had all 13 problems you listed in the end. Having no clue about what normal is, is a big part of my therapy. I am not hungry to be normal but I always wondered why the other kids knew how to behave and I didn't.. Hard to imagine what that means if you didn't experience that I guess. All the best to you, including a big hug. M.

[tanyaradic]

Thanks for your video. Helpful. Brief. Personal.

[MichaelinNewEngand]

your parents might be heros because you are a mean person.

[LadyJzTalkZone]

well done, it's a sad state and understanding it makes life better. LadyJ

[laspeyrespaasche]

thank you

[RelaxxKiller]

How did/can you know/do all this. Remarkable to Bravo... You are so strong. I'm 44 and always known I was abused sexually/mentally/phy, you name it. It's hard, I've always been fine, and now at 44 I am not.... your brillant. thank you!

[earthalien77]

Awesome video. The only part I had trouble with was the audio....a bit difficult to hear. Thank you for your work...it all sounds so familiar.

[brightceci]

Thank you so for the video. I feel that I am not alone. I just begin to find help, which I have never even thought it exists. I am turning 32.

[mexicovince]

Roy,

Thank you so much for you very useful and informative video. I am a new comer to this information and the Al-anon program.. The problem I was at the time in the USA; where all the ACA characteristics were the same as ADA and BI Polar which meant of course, pills, pills and more pills.

I am just starting my ACA recovery and I am both excited and extremely frighten. Thanks for you help.

Vince

[unexceptedsolutions]

How can you not like this video, it was very well done. I've seen it first hand, and also i wish that i could make a relationship last, or have fun....I think the key is to give yourself time, and heal....be alone for awhile surrounded by good people....and soon enough maybe we all can live a active enjoyable lifestyle.. Thank you..

Crystal

[Genisis005]

thank you

[202020morehourstogo]

Thak you for posting this video!

[MirrorAlter]

WOW, the more i know the better i can be in my recovery. Well done.

Thank you for posting this video, truly hits home.

[DEREKinNYC]

Thank you for telling your story.

[Mnvettech08]

Roy,

Thank you.

[CamelotMoon]

Hi Roy....Thank You for sharing.

((((Many Blessings))))

[mergrl63]

Hello Roy. It took a lot of courage to speak up about aca. I am also an aca and was deeply affected by alcholism, abuse, and religious fanaticism. My step-father was the alcoholic abuser and my mother the classic enabler. After I found al-anon

I'divorced' my family as well as my husband and moved with my children to another region of the country in order to break the cycle. They are so much better off because of this. I don't hate my family anymore. I pray that they'll seek help.

[MadameGhostDog]

Thank You so much for posting this video!

Peace

[jhatchjr11466]

excellent!

[monkeyeagle]

Excellent Video Mate! Thank you Roy for having the Courage to share your painful story with us! I too grew up in a household of Hell! My Mother seemed to Love to provoke My Father till He beat Her and the police had to come! Then She could be the perfect victim!Of course My Father was a Victim too according to Him...She Made Him beat Her,supposedly!!!! Nice to know you are working hard to heal yourself,I must do the same! My brother chose to self destruct with drugs and drink! Cheers Best Wishes

[royblumenthal]

Thanks monkeyeagle Dante...

Dude... you must do what works for you. I find that hammering myself into 'must do' is pretty much the best way to do nothing.

For me, simple awareness is the best tool I use. I like to be aware of what I'm feeling about something.

As Hal and Sidra Stone say, 'It doesn't matter WHAT you're saying, it matters WHO is saying it.' (Is it your damaged inner child? Your vengeful inner parent?)

Blue skies

love

Roy

[Gasparro18]

@monkeyeagle I can relate to that too. My mom would do the same shit to my dad except use weapons like trying to hit him with a gold club, frying pan, or stab him. If you ever talk to my mom she'll try to convince you my dad's the reincarnation of the devil. She brought dysfunction to my family. My mom basically put the same shit on my brothers and I that my grandfather did to her. But, she never got over it and its bullshit.

[mackatx2001]

Roy, I almost wish for the days when my denial seemed a safer place LOL. I have had some counselling for sexual abuse. I have read 150 books which abhoured me to get my act together; get motivated; get going and be somebody. Wrong way to go. Knowing what normal is what I have now ask many times, and now read books and spend my time starting with the basics of this so called "normal". I will start going to the meetings, thanks for the motivation.

[royblumenthal]

Thanks for your feedback mackatc2001. And I'm really glad that this little vid might make a difference to you.

All the best with heading to 12-step meetings.

Blue skies

love

Roy

[shockthesky]

thanks for making this video..

a little hard for me to watch though.. brought back too many painful memories..

[royblumenthal]

Thanks very much, shockthesky. Yeah... this stuff is pretty painful. But it's a fact of life, I reckon. And when we can SEE this stuff out in the real world, it takes it out of the fear-based silence. I'm very glad I spoke it out in the vid.

Blue skies

love

Roy

[tangogrrl]

wow roy. it's spot on. Your vid brought tears to my eyes. We don't know what normal is. But you are probably helping hundreds of us.

Although difficult to watch, you're awesome for putting this together. I hope you read this too. But- I just heard about this, had no idea it existed. where to go if your abuse wasn't sexual or alcohol?? I'm in Denver, are there any groups here? and how to find them?

Best from a really cold part of the world in snowy Colorado.

[royblumenthal]

Hiya tangogrrl... it doesn't really matter what TYPE of abuse one has been subjected to. It pretty much all has the same result. The easiest thing to do would be to find an Al Anon Adult Children of Alcoholics group, and go to that. You'll be amazed at how powerfully it applies in your life.

Blue skies

love

Roy

[wellwhoknew]

I am an ACOA and have been to Alanon meetings and read countless books. The greatest impact for me has been these videos that I have been watching today- yours and the ones by Ihavenoscruplez. They are dead on. Thank you and bless you in your journey.

[royblumenthal]

Thankyou, wellwhoknew. I'm really pleased that my humble vid could have had such an impact on you. What is it about the vid that touched you differently to all of the other stuff you've encountered? I'm genuinely interested. Cos it was really just meant to be me sharing some of my knowledge and experience. Had no idea it could be profound at all.

Blue skies

love

Roy

[NBDB06]

Hi Roy,

Your video was profound!!! I never thought Youtube could provide such great healing.

My father was an alcoholic. He was not abusive- he was a lovely man. What made me sad is to watch him self destruct. He was a man of great talent like your father but it was almost as if he did not feel worthy of his success. You went through great pain but you are stronger now CLEARLY. Keep working on it. As they say keep coming back because it works if you work it!!! PEACE, LOVE and JOY to you!!

[royblumenthal]

Thank you, NBDB06...

Really awesome of you to say. And to share on this forum. Makes it very much worthwhile.

Blue skies

love

Roy

[ximplixity]

'Let it begin with me'. Thank you Roy, and bless you.

[royblumenthal]

Yup, ximplicity. It's all about starting with oneself. From inside to outside.

Blue skies

love

Roy

[likethecats]

My father was an alcoholic and his words were worsed than his smacks. I got the glasses. I was sitting watching TV and he said "the reason I needed glasses was because I was stupid" What? What? get over it!

[likethecats]

I couldn't read until I was in the 3rd grade. In fifth grade I was still not doing as well. I sat in the back row of the classroom. I was looking at the black board and could not understand the lesson. I started to cry. The tear rolled over my eye and acted like a lens. All of a sudden the lettering on the board was crystal clear and I could read it. I understood I wasn't so stupid. I went home and told my mother and sister what happened. So I got glasses--- One and a half years later!

[likethecats]

My exerience: all of the dicipline none of the liberty. I was shy, fearful of other children, cried alot, was mortified to speak up in school in front of the other kids. My mother always screaming, scolding, threatining. When she was told I cried when I stood up in class she said " all the other kids are smart and all you do is embarass me" Like I wanted to ever displease her-- EVER!

[likethecats]

The feeling of not being normal, what is normal? Everyday I didn't know what I would be facing when I got home from school or from a friends house. My father I loved him but he was a mean alcoholic. My mother was sometimes the only one working. She was so god awful unhappy that she just wasn't there emotionally at all. She tried as hard as she could but she took it out on my sister (eight years older) and my self all the time. What was normal?

[farmerchris2]

Good Video:-) It's my second search into the records of my complaints of abuse I made when a child and how/why nothing was done. Why was nothing done? Who did it?, someone had to decide I was not believable! And yet I had years of tortuous pointless, (to me anyway) of what must have been some attempt at therapy. And a million more questions that completely cripple me these days. And yet I am told I am not entitled to knowledge of my own records!

[doctorhertz]

Does Lawrence have an Alcohol abuse problem today?

If you take the time to answer me...I hope the HELL that you say NO!

If you say yes, Have I got A storey for you !!!!

[doctorhertz]

You seem to have your life altogether. many aCOA/S DO NOT, Incuding myself, have the financial tools to get ahead in life! Any advice for us here ??

[cynmercado]

Roy, I know your struggle but....move on with your life.The past is over, over. Your future is yours now.Every day...each minute.....We all have suffered. I did too. My father died when I was only 11. And for many years I cried wondering my life with and without him, Asking my self, why I lost such a wonderful father...but know I realize that it was my destiny. And I need to appreciate life in general. I know is difficult to say it but if you re-set your thoughts things will change.

[cynmercado]

Todos sufrimos en esta vida, de una u otra manera. El abuso infantil deja huellas profundas en la sicologia del individuo. Pero todos podemos cambiar nuestra actitud hacia los sucesos de nuestra ninez. Dejar atras el dolor y buscar en el presente cosas interesantes q llenen nuestras vidas. Gracias Roy por tu video y espero q en tu vida diaria encuentres el perdon y el olvido al dolor sufrido en tu ninez y adolescencia.

[royblumenthal]

I did an AltaVista Babelfish translation of this comment from Spanish to English:

[royblumenthal]

"All we suffered in this life, of one or another way. The infantile abuse leaves deep tracks in sicologia of the individual. But all we can change our attitude towards the events of our ninez. To leave atras the pain and to look for in the present interesting things q fill our lives. Roy thanks for your video and I wait for q in your daily life you find the pardon and the forgetfulness to the pain suffered in your ninez and adolescence."

[royblumenthal]

Thank you very much indeed, Cynmercado. I really appreciate it. And I wish you the best too.

(Translated into Spanish: "Gracias mucho de hecho, Cynmercado. Realmente aprecio. Y le deseo el mejor también.")

Blue skies

love

Roy

[thereisapulse]

My mom was a weekend alcholic. when she died and i didn't cry i knew something was wrong with me but i didn't know until your video that we abused have a common thread. thanks for your openess. i am now determined to seek out help. THANK YOU!

[lestep]

A charismatic and engaging film... it's a real shame that the audio is distorted. It sounds like the microphone volume was set too high so the signal distorted. Love the film anyway! Got a real energy to it.

[royblumenthal]

Thank you, VictheChick! Much appreciated!

Blue skies

love

Roy

[VicktheChick]

Great Job! Thanks for taking the time to create this informative, brave and special video!

[Miscere]

Hi Roy !

Just thank you (I answered you on jamendo)

:)

[royblumenthal]

Merci! (That's about as far as I go with French, although I can SAY 'je nais comprende pas' (I don't think I've spelled it right.)

Is there anything in particular you'd like me to explain? I'll be happy to do that.

Blue skies

love

Roy

[wumpdotcom]

lol... in fact I'm French... and I don't understand everything ;o)

[wumpdotcom]

y'a pas les sous titres en ouzbek ?

[royblumenthal]

Heheheehe! You want titles in Ouzbekistan? Uh... I'll get back to you on that one! (In a couple of decades, I think!)

Blue skies

love

Roy

PS: Thanks for making my vid a favourite.

[iamseeingyou]

I now try to be a bit open about my 'awkardness'. This relieves me. This long, gruelling journey! I yearn to tell my story 1 day but think that I must first overcome my struggle further but am unsure of the necessary extent. I want my story to show a successful journey so that it can be inspirational. Is this why I'm here & why experts say that I've beat many odds. Oft want to give up my hard, lonely, tiring battle though!

[royblumenthal]

Thanks for your message. Sounds like you're going through quite a process.

I'd like to recommend that you consider telling your story BEFORE you get to the happy ending. In my experience, the concept of a 'happy ending' is actually a myth. And it can cause us to stay locked in a particular pain-paradigm.

I really hope you're seeing a therapist or a support group to help you deal with the stuff you're facing.

Thanks for sharing. Breaking the silence is a very powerful step.

[iamseeingyou]

[1 of 4]

Roy, Perhaps you're right! Perhaps I ought not expect all the ducks magically lined up before telling my story. Fear being seen as liar/wanting 'pity party', no one caring as people's (in)actions already suggest, not having support. My worst abusers are 'ideal citizens' who use their influential power. Don't want "pity party". Besides, I'm model outlier (ie don't demonstrate many of more extreme negative characteristics that are statistically probable for my circumstances said doctor).

[iamseeingyou]

[2 of 4]

My fight set before birth. Despite many conseq problems, have "beaten many odds". An amazed professional asked 'how? how did you?! Stats say you shld be ...'. Didn't want to feed my mind with 'what should / could have been' It goes against ideas re subconscious mind or concept of 'the secret -- law of attraction' (See youtube video v=_b1GKGWJbE8) for instance. Don't want to accept that I must become a certain way! You're so right re 'normality'. I yearn it but ... what is it?

[iamseeingyou]

[3 of 4]

I oft feel full of despair and TIRED. These months, drowning! My perfectionism has given me some 'accomplishments' that 'normal' people wish they can achieve. Despite that, introspection forces me to see th those 'accomplishments' are an illusion of survival and progress. Tonight, I read a poem I wrote but oddly didn't fully understand at 15. I'm alarmed now at what I didn't realize I was saying then. Alarmed even more since at 33, I'm at same point (less the 'accomplishments')

[iamseeingyou]

[4 of 4]

Struggling to ensure I understand 'paradigm' you mentioned in written response. Wondering if I'm there. I'm sure simple b pls explain! To answer re support group and therapy. No support grps in my location. Last doctor was charging 70% > other clients. (Earlier doctor made inappropriate advances). Close to giving up search! Now wondering if doctors can really help. Also feeling talked out and not wanting to keep repeating myself. How exactly therapy can help again?

[iamseeingyou]

[1 of 3]

Roy (and anyone), Sorry if this is too much info! I'm overwhelmed + don't know how to fix me! You probably didn't come to youtube to hear this. I oft think how helpful it would be if there was another human being that GENUINELY cared beyond their job to listen/ research to know/ curiosity, etc ... Actually, feeling that I'm connecting with someone makes a huge difference! CONT'D

[iamseeingyou]

[2 of 3]

That said, I'm overwhelmed because even basic socializing is becoming harder. As a child, I disallowed contact w extended family and from moving around comfortably thr'out house. This was my life for years after pretending 'normal' at school in the day. I hardly left my bedroom.

[iamseeingyou]

[3 of 3]

Now, my small apartment is also becoming my b.room. People around me replay roles of those in my earlier hellish life. I just shy away intentionally and since I oft can't cope! In earlier school life, I went to school and forgot my home life. Was oft v social. As adult, I seem to be having a delayed reaction. I'm now reacting in the way that you wld think I might have as a child.