Dealing with Angry People

[alisonpoulsen]

Thank you for your comment. I appreciate and ma glad it helped you.

[jwstyles007]

im a young african american male from los angeles and this video has really helped me distance myself from angry people theres millions of people in my city and now i belive i have a better grasp on what causes anger rather then being caught up in the moment thanks for the video glad i stumbled upon it

[alisonpoulsen]

5. Check out my daily relationship blog: sowhatireallymeant

Search for the articles on resentment.

Good luck!

[alisonpoulsen]

4.That way you start preparing yourself for the next unexpected situations. Specific examples, role-playing, or at least imagining how to replay the situations with the right words and tone of voice is extremely helpful. Even having in your mind role-models from history or movies of the type of strength you would like to embody is very helpful.

If you want to, you could give me one or two discreet, even small, examples that have led to your outbursts.

[alisonpoulsen]

3. It will take courage and growth perhaps to learn to gradually develop the new parts of yourself without losing the existing parts of yourself.Composure comes from taking into account all parts of yourself, as well as other people. When we are reactive, we’re responding only from one part of ourselves.

Often the best way to make such changes is by considering all the small specific situations that have gotten under your skin, and imagine how you could have responded more effectively.

[alisonpoulsen]

2. If you don’t know what the underlying message is, take a moment to describe your personality. Are you helpful? Then the undeveloped part of you that is trying to be heard may be the part that takes care of your desires. Are you very friendly? Then the undeveloped part may be the part that sets boundaries. Are you spiritual? The underlying part may be the physical. And so forth.

[alisonpoulsen]

1.It sounds that your outbursts and sadness result from not having an empowered way of dealing with your anger. Anger is usually a sign that something valuable to you is being demeaned or ignored, or that someone is taking advantage of you or hurting you. Anger is a helpful indicator that you need to listen to. However, simply venting or even managing the anger without listening to the underlying valuable message is usually ineffective, & can lead to worsening outbursts and great frustration.

[G3org3Master]

What if you have already repressed 'important feelings' and have symptoms such as outbursts and sadness? How do I get back my self worth? I am leaving the angry person soon to live somewhere else so that will help. I sometimes find myself angry at people, although less than the person who was constantly angry to me, I am irritable (sometimes) although I do say sorry a lot. What do I do to gain back composure and self worth and confidence in myself?

[blabblab1212]

Does eliminating hostile relationships cause women to swing their asses as they walk away as indicated in the video?

[alisonpoulsen]

I think it's important to distinguish between an abusive relationship where you are in danger and feel terrible about yourself and a relationship with someone who has a slight temper, feels apologetic, is not dangerous, and does not make you feel terrible about yourself. In the first situation, it will probably be near impossible to "help" the other person. You need to help yourself. In the second situation, by having appropriate boundaries, you can prevent the dynamic from getting worse.

[alisonpoulsen]

You can't force help on someone. What you can do is let them know how hurtful it is when they get angry and let them know that you will leave when they do so. Also I would tell someone with a temper that I wish they would let me know what they're feeling before it's a big deal. Very often if you know that person well you can guess when something might be bothering before it becomes a big deal. It's also important to look at the subtle ways in which you participate in triggering the other person.

[alisonpoulsen]

This is a great two part question, which will require more than just a quick answer. But here's the quick answer. A submissive person should NOT become more submissive. But becoming reactive, either by shutting down and being submissive, or by becoming controlling or punitive is not the answer. Safety comes first obviously. If someone's very angry, be smart; stay safe. If someone in your life gets unreasonably angry, but is not dangerous, let them cool down; it's not about you.

[cinemastereo]

This is great advice- for the person getting yelled at. But how does a person HELP the angry person to see what they are doing and feel better about things? All of this advice was teaching a submissive person to become MORE submissive and hoping that through that the person will see what they're doing.

[G3org3Master]

@cinemastereo Ive learnt not being submissive with stubborn angry people does not work, it makes it worse. Be submmisive until you leave them.

[tommy007b]

If i just want out of a situation real quickly i will shut down in submissive defensiveness. its kind of fun to do with strangers. i don't take it personally. and they get and ego boost out of it!

[PrettyFreakinWise]

I have a severe anger problem, so let me instruct you in how to deal with people like me. May I add that I am married. Here we go:

[PrettyFreakinWise]

1. Shut your mouth. You will only fuel the fire and end up getting hurt. Its not worth the police report...Not your life or limb. Police or not, we don't care. Its worth it.

2. Walk away. Its helps to sooth the savage beast. Give us time to cool.

3. Let it go. Anger grows when past things are held against us. Don't bring them up.

4. Leave us be for at least an hour.

5. Go somewhere. You are most likely the reason for the anger, so you spend the gas.

[silentfades]

with all due respect it sounds like you dont live in this world

have you ever in your life been angry or rageful or had anyone hurt you and you respond in a lack of control ? I am talking about you hiting or killing someone but have you ever just freaken lost it - its just being human. It like there is no reality in how you discuss this.\

I agree in looking at ones thoughts and reaction but you present it like you have never had a real moment of rage - Even Jesus did .

marc

[alisonpoulsen]

i definitely get angry. All the things I write or youtube about are things I'm interested in and want to deal with better in my life. But once you're really furious, it's hard to do anything but walk away and go breathe. I think the key to minimizing losing control is to deal with anger before the it boils up inside. That means handling what bothers you when it's just an irritation or annoyance, so you can more calmly deal with it in a way that's likely to be heard by the other person.

[silentfades]

I would like to thank you for responding I was afraid that you would just think I was over the top in critique

Your presentation is flawless but that is my point -- I very much thank you for saying that you get angry

In watching your vids I got the feeling you had some magic gift or had obtained a nirvana state where you had totally overcome anger or bad feelings

Sincerely thank you so much as the core material is so very true I am glad to know you walk amoung us

Marc in NYC

[alisonpoulsen]

I'm definitely human!

[bodunchar]

Okay, my girlfriend is Thai, she gets really upset when her Italian boss shouts at her (which is a major no-no in Thai culture). Theres not much I can do to comfort her, but now its happened again she wants to quit.

How can I help her not take this personally?

Good vid, thanks.

[alisonpoulsen]

She may be happier else where, but it would be helpful for her to realize that exuberance is part of the Italian culture, and that projecting his voice and making direct comments are probably not meant to be hurtful. She could ask him directly whether he is just giving constructive criticism or whether he's angry and thinks she's incapable. Then she'll know. It's good in life to learn to deal with all sorts of people. But if she can't toughen up, she shouldn't stay and be miserable.

[alisonpoulsen]

MissBlueEly, When you express to him what you feel and what you need in life, rather than blaming him or judging him, it would be selfish or manipulative that he would want to prevent you from expressing those feelings or needs, and trying to fulfill them. While you're compassionate to consider his heart, don't forget your own. Would you have your own child live with someone who is always angry and teach him or her to tiptoe anxiously, or would you have him or her learn to breathe in life fully?

[MissBlueEly]

hi Alison, I have a question ..if i have to deal with a man who is most of the time angry, he also have problems with the heart ..coz of this reason i did not end up this relation that we start..what should i do, how shod i talk to him by not make him angry..?

[alisonpoulsen]

Same viewer went on: "If you research the five elements theory in feng shui, you will understand what I am talking about. Miso soup is very grounding. In order to lower the wood element content, metal or fire would help. Wood energy gives its energy to fire, so perhaps a hot place would sweat the toxin out (sauna) or a trip to mexico. Metal energy = wear more jewelery, metal chimes, go chop some wood."

[alisonpoulsen]

A viewer emailed: "A very good video on "anger". The emotion of anger in Chinese medicine corresponds to the liver organ. It means that someone has a lot of toxins in the body that are stuck and need to be moved due to stress, poor diet, or lack of exercise. Culprits: caffeine, red meat, alcohol or imposed stress. Whenever I start to wake up at 1 to 3 am, I know that I need to be good to my liver. Every two hours the body works on regenerating a certain organ.

[babszz333]

A very self assured Alison at the helm talking about "anger". A great subject to bring up since we are living in tumultuous times and need to reconnect with everyone and thing around us. Being grounded is really important. Thank you for the informative reminder.

[alisonpoulsen]

A viewer emailed me this: What is your position on also working in Nutritional, sleep management and Exercise techniques to help deal and de-stress in a healthy manner?

Yes! hunger and lack of sleep can really escalate reactivity! Good nutrition, sleep, exercise, and breathing deeply are key in feeling balanced enough to stay calm.

[cubabrooklyn]

If Sara leaves me, swishing her way out of my life, can I go too? GOOD video! Now I need to go punch some boxing bags....