Al-Qaeda Calls Off Attack On Nation's Capitol To Spare Life Of 'Twilight' Author

[Jcolinsol]

I love that The Onion has a pundit from al qaeda.

Makes total sense, The Onion is a fictional news company, and al qaeda is a fictional terrorist organization.

[TakinDecent]

the sad part is that these days it is becoming hard to distinguish between Onion news and Fox news

[Emper0rH0rde]

This is the honest truth. I read Twilight. I gave it a perfectly chance. And I cannot for the life of me understand why everyone loves it so much.

[AnObviousFailure]

"...or my mother is a jew..." ROFL

[orrgla]

@iwannabelikeyou I DONT KID ABOUT AMERICAN NATIONAL SECURITY!! TERRORIST LIB!!

[orrgla]

WHY DID THE LIBTARD GOVERNMENT NOT ARREST HIM WHEN THEY CLEARLY KNEW HE WAS AT THE NEWS STATION!! OH WAIT MAYBE HE'S ONE OF BARACK OSAMA'S FRIENDS!!!!

[iwannabelikeyou]

@orrgla You're.. kidding, right?

[HimmelChef]

LOL

[Ishpeck]

"If you give them a chance you will be hooked or my mother is a Jew."

I'm going to die laughing.

[muddydan00b]

2137 upside down looks like LEIS... An anagram for LIES!

Freak Coincidence??? o.O

[Mosystem1]

Omer AL-FAROUQ is an agent for CIA..they always bring him in the TV shows .....anyone needs prove check this out....ht

[vjm3]

Little girl's books have been keeping America safe since 911. I know because of my learnings.

[williefrombadsanta]

Omar Al-Farouq !

[2020starman]

LOL



[chessman19]

Farouke is a jerk being payed by is it CNN for crap news

[chessman19]

GARBAGE

[Saber10inch]

wow the terrorists made a better version than the original! thats says something

[mikeytheaznking]

lolol wtf wormhole satellite XD XD

[dakane328]

lol the hard drive containing kesha's voice

[mackat4ck]

@dakane328 Shakira! :P

[TheBlazeraider]

"...detained just before having Stephenie Meyer sign their copies of 'Breaking Dawn' "

I am no fan of twilight, but man thats gotta suck.

[Z0mbieS1ayer]

I bet Al Qaeda watch ponies as well!!

[VonCurry8]

"or my mother is a jew" haha

[HarrypotterisBEAST]

IS THIS A JOKE???

[Crasseus17]

@HarrypotterisBEAST Yes... Yes it is... :)

[cabooses1fan]

@HarrypotterisBEAST no shit

[besie0]

@HarrypotterisBEAST What, no man. This is real. What would make you think this is fake.

[gorgeousaur]

@HarrypotterisBEAST Of course it is. Al Qaeda members are actually more of a fan of Lemony Snicket's books. This is a parody of that.

[MrJohn2010]

@HarrypotterisBEAST Why would a respected News source like the Onion make a joke like this?

[leedoyeon]

I guess Team Jacob lost then.

[Hikarilover123]

"Oh the books are for kids. That's the height of arrogance. If you give them a chance, you will be hooked, or my mother is a Jew" xD

[too408]

after bin laden proclaimed his support for team jacob, he is assassinated. looks like obama is team edward.

[dnci14]

"Praise Allah!" that fuckin cracked me up! xD

[idkwutscape]

"...or my mother is a Jew."

[moistfaucet]

hei Bro, Not All Muslim are terrorist. it is just all Terrorist are Muslim. and the one that not is waiting a chance to be one.

[shermonruler]

@moistfaucet not true that is stereotyping

not all terrorist are muslim

not long ago a rasict terrorist in i think it was finland or sweden and he says he was a "christian" but i don't believe that but basically not all terrorist are muslim period

[killzone321]

Soooo.... Ummmm how can I get ONN Future?

[TheYouwontgetit]

yes, for the moment...!

[2ockedand2oaded]

0.0 He looks like a Decoy Muslim, look how friendly he is. Let's shoot him to find out if he's trust-worthy.

[mikefan09]

al qaeda is a front, to be more exact, for intell based terrorism with a zionist agenda!

[Thisshitisfuckedup]

@mikefan09 My goodness! I never would have thought! How did you know?!

[mikefan09]

@Thisshitisfuckedup hehe, well, the work of anatoly golitsyn and wider research into the global elite, history, finance n economics, inconsistencies in 9/11, testimony of intell personnel, congressmen, philosophers, presidents, the obvious lobbying power, and the seeming course of the world and international events. and much much more. nice sarcasm. keep researching.

[mrcatlicks]

bullshit.

[Simongo7]

Or my mother is a jew LOL

[2011bilaal]

AL QAEDA IS FAKE.. TERRORISM IS FAKE

[guyofred]

@2011bilaal

shut the fuck up, terrorism is real!

if it wasn't stephenie mayers never wouldve wrote twilight >:O

shame on you!

[datgamerboy]

@2011bilaal ur face is fake

[SudanDawah]

"Or my mothers a Jew"hahahaha

[dreamsatsea]

And this, my friends, is why The Onion is No.1

[EST0PA]

lol...Praise Allah! Will Robert Pattinson or Kristen Steward be there?

[mixmastermeeks]

for the love of god! what in the fuck is that commercial about? It dosn't matter what you eat for dinner, it is still dinner. I don't even know what the fuck they are advertising.......FUCK ME!

[Sylar601]

2.18 fell off the chair...

[eddynessa07]

btw allah is arabic for the word god, christians who speak in arabic will say allah not god, english=god, arabic=allah, hebrew=jahovah , its simply a different language dumb ass, just like the name jesus is pronounced he-sus in spanish.

[03205211235]

@eddynessa07 The word for rab in Arabic is Rab or Khaliq or Maliq Or Raziq n 93 others. Allah is a proper noun. God is a common noun. Thats the difference my friend :)

[talk2minie]

@eddynessa07 That is absolutely correct. An African language which i happen to speak is derived from Arabic and when i speak it, i say Allah when referring to God and it used to freak a few of my friends out which is absolutely ridiculous...

[eddynessa07]

Im a 73 generation irish wiccan, my husband is mayan from Guatemala from a traditional mayan village, yes pagans do still exist.

[MegaKillerDeathHippo]

He said 'or my mother is a jew' implying what he was saying couldn't be wrong

[ToothpasteCannon]

Osama's team Jacob? Damn...

[sssbeastsss]

I am not a towel head. I care less about Al Qaeda or Mexica, I only like Al Qaeda because MY GOD used them to take down the world trade center , I asked him to destroy. Al Qaeda, I guess it means God,s Base, or Allahs base in your case. As for antichrists most are christian, antihebrew most are Jews, and antipagan most are pagan. Typical I am good means you is evil so why dont you just confess your wicked one and all every person on the planet from 1st to last.

[romanlegions]

@sssbeastsss What about the Imperial cult? Do the followers of the God-Emperor go to hell too?

[nightkraawler]

the Onion news network ..the only news you ever need to hear..because all the others just tell you what they want you to hear.

[JewishNiggers99]

"... or my mother is a jew" LMFaaaaaao

[Link7x4m]

i would have not been mad at alqueda anymore if they did kill the twilight cast

[sssbeastsss]

I love Al Qaeda, they try hard and are not even Americans. I wish them luck fighting the American AntiChrist AntiHebrew AntiPagan revolting US Govt, I would help them if I could and try in what manners I am enabled to do. I certainly urge everyone on the web and in person in public, and even ask the leaders and judges and such themselves to off themselves and fellows I am offended by, in time God will destroy them for me and likely everyone else.

[davidiscool26]

@sssbeastsss Normally I would flip out on you for saying that, but knowing that this is The Onion Newsroom's video, you could be joking. Either way I'm keeping an eye on you.

[TheWorldsStage]

@sssbeastsss You fucked up, it's not "God" it's "Allah" And, by the way, why would they care if a government is anti-christian or anti-jewish? So are they.

Anti-pagan? What the fuck, that's from the middle ages you maniac. No one is Anti-pagan because there aren't any, it's like being anti-Mayan.

By the way, i bet you couldn't even tell me what 'Al Qaeda" means, or what the entire name is and it's meaning. Well, until you Google it, I mean.

[d7oom977]

0:21 i'm an arabic man and i tell you this is not an arabic language

[ImAwesome4728]

@Graykinght21 its real bro

[ErichZann]

Seal Team 6 must have been Team Edward supporters.

[SolarPhoenix61]

Al-qaeda simply don't want to hurt their fellow who maybe did damaged America more than they ever did

[LameSpider]

I have watched like two of these onion news things and I wasn't sure if they were real but now it is obvious that they are fake and gay

[Arbitr0n]

@LameSpider its excellent satire, not fake and gay. lol

[ChocolatMelk]

89 people have jewish mothers

[tommysch]

''You will be hooked or my mother is a Jew.''

1:39

rofl

[vjm3]

There's something more devious at play here.

Al-Queda understands that more then anything, Twilight is sappiing the good will and life force of humanity then any terrorist bombing ever can. You simply can't end the life of someone who brings so much misery to this world.

[ihatesaturdays]

mr al-fatrouq looks like don omar lol lol

[FoltorInternational]

@1:23  more like was part of team jacob

[politburo]

"... or my mother is a Jew."

.

I'm using that from now on lmao!

[gilkwad]

the terrorists just want to keep stephane meyer alive because she's done more to destroy this country then they can

[theo9449]

or my mother will be jew

[Raklryja]

OBL is on Team Jacob ROFLCAKES

[Mikeybetts]

LOL



[evannati]

onion news is starting to lose their touch a little bit. theyre starting to deliver jokes like theyre jokes not news

[eleutheromaniac]

"I swear, on my mother's a Jew!" This will be my new, all-purpose swear.

Baliff: Do you swear to tell the truth, and nothing but the truth?

Me: On my mother's a Jew

Baliff:  You may be sea--wait...what?

Me: If I am lying may my mother become a Jew

Baliff: *nod of understanding and approval* You may be seated.

[fantasysieger]

@eleutheromaniac It's "or my mother is a Jew" you dunce.



[radvegan25]

ok oh my friggin god i must be a moron i started to beleive it for a minute. i should be stoned to death. but yea that was funny as hell!

[aeyb701]

Mr. Al-Farouq is my favourite character on the Onion.

[bunnasoo2]

@aeyb701 I agree!! We need more Mr. Al-Farouq.

[97azeb]

@aeyb701 " Give them a chance, you'll be hooked or my mother is a jew" best quote from al-farouq

[mphello]

Bin Laden was a member of Team Jacob? He DESERVED to be killed. :(

[Gongomm]

"A lot of networks report the news as it happens."

I noticed there's a Fox News logo in there. I think it is the biggest joke in the entire video.

[KalamitiMusic]

Finally a use for Twilight!

[marvesmarves]

Praise Allah! Will Robert Pattinson or Kristen Stewart be there? hah3x

[joser2324]

2:06 - 2:27 us department of education to expand new outreach program that exposes at-risk teens to the type of pussy they can get in college

[christreignsforever]

Why, Why? The themes are universal.

[ali921812]

@TisbearA their called muslims and they were defending their faith rights are all well and fair but to use rights to disgrace a peoples belief is not worthy of a 21stg century "civilized society"

[TisbearA]

@ali921812: I wasn't talking about whether it was wrong or right. I was talking about the fact that it happened: Death threats were made towards writers of satire show "South Park". The Onion is less known perhaps, but still a satire show. Who are we to assume that someone could or could not find this equally offensive?

If I incorrectly assumed that most people had heard about the details, I apologize.

Additionally, the lack of punctuation has made your point difficult to decipher.

[jonah232]

@TisbearA Well the fact is that they make fun of everyone. Even 'Murricuns. So who cares if people find it offensive? People now a days needa fucking sense of humor, things are only offensive if you look at them that way.

[TisbearA]

@jonah232: Whether people care that someone could find it offensive wasn't the point either. I'm just postulating about the likelihood of some people not having a sense of humor based on a past news events. No worries.

[richie8811]

LOL AT THE REMAKE!

[Buscandome89]

Wow, i dont believe the filth that is streaming from your lips you cur.

[ezmereldagreen]

this is such a masterpiece...i watch it over and over...that shot-for-shot remake!!! priceless...

[Footballlfan27]

Did you see the "Onion Future" ad at the end? And then it says, "Coming Summer 2010" lmaoo oh The Onion is subtle

[WaterNymph001]

Lol! The Al-Qaeda rendition of Twilight looks fantastic XD

[deathbunny32]

ha, "Magnificent Claws"

[nkns93]

hahah



[AmericanPride1234]

I worked security where the first twilight was filmed last yr for the TV show Leverage.

[anasBGH]

I love how the tape has people actually talking in Arabic :D

[francismori7]

ONION NEWS IS ALL FAKE to people who believe, they make up funny news, which is awesome!

[Maxpow33r]

@francismori7 The only fake part is the future news because we all know the only flux capacitor ever made was destroyed in 1980s

[notablegoat]

@Maxpow33r Perhaps they have a Tardis!

[MrOsamaBinLadenALIVE]

I IS STILL BEING ALIVE

I HAS VIDEO OF PROOFS!

[chrishasaclue]

Is this for real? Did i just see a bunch of AL-QAEDA members try to play a role from the twilight movie???

[RedMarineNex]

@chrishasaclue REALLY? REALLY???? Did the wormhole satelite at the end of the news item NOT GIVE IT AWAY?

Yes, this is real, or my mother is a Jew.

[chrishasaclue]

@RedMarineNex I know its fake jackass i just thought it was shocking to see a couple of guys from pakistain play a role in twilight. so save ur sarcasm, thank you!

[Hollywood1898]

Proof of Osama Bin Laden's death: /watch?v=1hsi_CuPGlU

[penso175]

przynajmniej ropa troche staniala :) 

[31Orlandoman]

skip ad 0:00

[viablethc]

hahahahahaha, awesome



[AnHeroDesu]

he's been dead for almost a decade you fools

[mohamdude52]

@AnHeroDesu hahaha yeah watch my new ideo it proves that america havent killed him

[danielmy08]

@AnHeroDesu That kind of rhetoric is lies that has been sprouted by sympathizers and those too weak minded to keep plugging away....as the recent raid on his compound proves.

[Bronislawsky]

4621 Like, 82 dont like.... 82 non american have seen this video

[50centkiwi]

thumbs up if u think osama bin ;laden is dead now

[SANDWORMGUMMIES]

@50centkiwi haha down with team jacob

[ert56yuiop]

wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo­oh :D :D

[tames123]

HE DIED HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA~!!!&^%^%&^%@­@&%^&^%

[machinehead5760]

Peace out bin laden, woot woot.

[MrParnak]

he Is Finally dead guys !! heap heap hurrahh !!

the Assholes dead !!

[crazybraeden]

HE IS DEAD!!!!!

[Ll1lyk0]

omg i seriously thought this was serious for a second!! good job!!

[wallymeldrum]

OSAMA BIN LADEN IS DEAD CIA VIDEO:

/watch?v=KS11g4CG2pU

[Nat4Brendan]

He's dead!

[john34841]

"you will be hooked or my mother is a jew" very nice

[kolvinpaker]

baby I am here you can get me  lushfmlk.info

[hellogoodbye44444]

This is so much funnier if you speak Arabic! Hahahaha lmao.

[dwavenminer]

Look 666maidenmaniac and PsychoticBibliophile all these conspiricy theory are terrible you really think any goverment in the WORLD is that intelligent or let alone gives a dam what happens after 4 years... no they're too busy censoring the news so people don't really know how crap thier goverment really is...

[MrRoalr]

The title was reason enough to like this

[db35m]

80 Of Those Dislikes Are Either Terrorist Or Twilight Fans....Or Both

[yohanham]

"you will be hooked or my mother is a jew" lol

[babyfaceH2]

I'm being seroius now. I really want to know and would appreciate a serious answer, is this for real or is it a very strange and tasteless joke?

[babyfaceH2]

@babyfaceH2

(im referring to the whole news sequence itself)

[rocketgirl018]

@babyfaceH2 of course its a joke loool

[TheStrangerInTheRye]

@babyfaceH2 The Onion is all fake. It is satire, but it more often than not gives very good insight into American idiosyncrasy. You should check them out.

Not a real news source remember. It is satire.

[BISlover544]

@VoiceOurNoise GASP! OPINION!

[chopstar420]

"you will be hooked or my mother is a jew" lmao

[tquinlan5]

I so confused who is this damn Arab!

[loliconagent]

seriously.... eveytime the poor arab is trying to talk the REAL POINTS, THEY INTERUPT! verry good america verry good...

[captaincorbin1117]

@Bazulbrush no shit. It's a comedy network. Look at their other videos

[Bazulbrush]

this is soo fakeee

[thetwilightsagailove]

jajajajajjajajaj SUPERRRRRRRRRR xD l-Qaeda Calls Off Attack On Nation's Capitol To Spare Life Of 'Twilight' Author xD

[evilmickey100]

the one time u want them to blow something up blow all this twifaggs away



[brendameistar]

wtf hahahahah lololol state of the art satellite!

[05swanbe]

When I read the title I thought that they aborted the attack so she could continue to bring misery to the West

[22nishantsingh]

WormHole satellite .... LOL (does it fart too?)

[NorthernKnight1000]

Aw, maan. Al-qaeda just got gay...

[elicitwildly]

"The themes are universal." Amen, brother. Twilight: uniting the world since 2005.

[schizoidchimp]

this just rpoves that were all humans afterall... who would have thought that twilight would bring us all 2gether... TWILIGHT FTW<3<3<3

[MultiAlieninvasion]

lmaoo or my mom is a jeww oh man lmao

[effrin999]

screw snl.GoOnion

[viking977]

wow, just wow i cannot believe the filth that is being spewed from your mouth you cur

[Zblj1987]

Rofl or my mother is a jew!

[radicalgarbage02]

I just farted