Social Anxiety: 3/3 Why improving social skills is not the answer

[3rdWorldChildren]

u probalby helped me change my whole life in these 3 videos, thank you so much!

[0flauta0]

I feel like watching these has been absolutely revelatory for me. At times you were even describing things using the same phrasing I've used to talk with other people about this. I shouldn't feel excited about potentially having social anxiety disorder, but I absolutely am because this explains so many things about myself that I've not understood and been frustrated with for my entire life. I feel motivated to find the right kind of solutions. Thank you so much!

[kwaxkwax]

Hi =]..i am another that is in that boat(the more personal, the more universal)

I havebeen reading Eckart tolle the power of now and Ive listened to David deangelo's materials..he's more recent work(deep inner game,how to become mr right). Not his past work(which he admits was wrong). But I have been abit procastinating in putting david deangelos teachings to to practice.

Eckart tolle calms me down and brings me peace but as you said..the problem is still there.

[FartyBeard]

(continued)

Meditation has also been incredibly helpful for stress reduction, but it isn't a cure for social phobia.

Anyway, I'll be starting group therapy for SA in a month. I'm 25 now and want to go to University.

Good luck to everyone struggling with Anxiety/Depression!

[FartyBeard]

Thanks for making this video. I felt astonished that parts 1 and 2 seemed to describe my life entirely. I never thought there were people who REALLY knew what it was like to go through this, right down to the smallest detail.

I've tried a self help course called "Overcoming Social Anxiety," and stopped about halfway through, and am now reading "Feeling Good" by David Burns and finding it incredibly helpful. I'd highly recommend this book to people struggling with depression/procrastination.

[emohatred]

I've tried a book called changing limited beliefs - unfortunately it hasn't worked. Iv'e tried a bit of hypnotherapy also and that hasn't worked :/

[GrimmTeather]

You explained that really clearly and I think this is the first video or the first time I've seen it explained that way. Most of the time I'm thinking of how I should be different, how I should speak differently or change the way I word things, my posture... basically, trying to be more like someone else or trying to fit a certain description of 'confidence'. You did well. Thanks a lot :D

[cibosity]

S watched 1 through 3 and founs that every thinh that you described matches all of the sitiations I go through. I've been working on being more social for a while and have always felt frustrated that my social skills were lacking but after watching your videos I realize that I have fairly good social skills and personality, but my anxiety causes me to loose control. How do I get past this anxiety so that I can establish relationships?

[scarymary2k8]

i moved in to my new student flat two nights ago and i havent yet spoke to my flatmates. i've been going to the loo, using the kitchen and leaving the house at times where i know i wont be seen. Whilst i completely agree with this video, im still irrationally afraid of being in a social situation with them. i can hear someone walkingh up the corridor now but i dont dare go out and just be myselff!!

[christinaaudet1]

when i speak to someone and i feel after i behaved in a silly way , i think to myself "i can nnever see that person again " like if my reputation was doomed forever with this pers on lol you know what i mean ???

[christinaaudet1]

do you have a girlfriend ?? haha just kidding ;)

[christinaaudet1]

I LOVE YOU !

[DragonToko]

After watching these 3 videos I have learned:

1. Learning social skills won't help you to overcome "SA" problem

2. all possible anxiety effects liek being clumsy, forgetting words and other 89987938589345 bad results. All in second partof this movie.

3. Vodka is the answer. You need to relax to be more social.

Perhaps Russian people are the most social ones. That's why they managed to build a Socialism.

[apatheticwretch]

this was the most enlightening video i've seen about my problem... the first 2 parts completely described the hell inside my head, it was almost scary how accurate it was. thank you

[George4107969]

Wow you nailed it on the head man, I really don't know what to say to you I am so lost for words right now. I have never heard anyone come so close to diagnosing this problem as accurately as you have for me. I can finally ditch the overwhelming stress of improving my social skills, filling my mind with useless information and exaggerating my problem thinking it's a lot more than social anxiety. (I began thinking I was schizo, had APD, bipolar disorder, etc). This was a breath of fresh air. ty

[xenzon]

you are so so RIGHT, i hope everyone with social anxiety watches your video

HOW MIGHT ONE GO ABOUT OVERCOMING SOCIAL ANXIETY??

[ZaydelZemirah]

thanks so much for explaining this....I could relate to alot of what you were saying, and the funny thing is I stumbled across your video trying to find ways to improove my social skills. so now you've opened my eyes to the TRUE problem which is social anciety.

thanks alot, I had to subscribe

[philacoudre]

yeah, it was pretty good, pretty sharp.But den how 2 build back hard-core selfesteem and confidence?

in high school,i started smoking cigarette,den pot (marijuana) cuz I felt inadequate and wanted 2get rid of d shiness.it helped a bit, 4 a few yrs but den I developped some bad behavior patterns and it went from "feelling inadequate" 2being inadequate,in part cuz of the dependance I developped.i've been avoiding social situations a lot since.Eventho i stop smokin dope 9yrs ago,im still strugglin

[favm360]

Do you think that Exposure and Response prevention is a good treatment?

[nc0r0na4life]

Your logic is faulty. Just because lack of social skills is not the cause of social anxiety it doesn't follow that it can't be the solution. You offer the example that the overly-confident person is not socially anxious despite lacking social skills. All this proves is that the lack of social skills is not the cause behind social anxiety, nothing more. It could very well be the solution.

I'd like to hear the actual scientific facts and not just clever rhetoric.

[01jalissa01]

This is awesome thank you so much! :)

[FalconFreek]

so Confidence is the answer! ... Confidence comes from exercising ... so Exercise is THY ANSWER!

thanx for this man! much appreciated!

[redbeanpaste2]

Wow, you pretty much hit dead on with those descriptions.

[zachaqsw]

man why the fuck did i have to have social anxiety you know im so fuckin frustrated this probably ruined my whole high school experience and possibly future of getting a job cauz i didnt do the best i could of in school.idk i cant even fuckin think right now

[electromikey]

I like the video, insightful and refreshing to hear someone who doesn't see social anxiety as so much a 'problem' and something that distinguishes you from the rest of humanity, instead just a simple (if deeply rooted) state of mind. But i also think social skills and social anxiety are more related than what you say. It seems like more of a vicious circle to me, you might get over your anxiety, but then you have a lack of social skills to deal with which might trigger the anxiety again.

[jimb024]

This was a very interesting video. But it seems to me there are only 2 cures for Social Anxiety...Psychological treatment that costs way too much...or alcohol (which is only a very temporary solution). I've been trying for a long time to cure this on my own...but it seems pretty much impossible. I'm starting to think that it's a lifelong thing and there really is no cure.

[TheZeroHector]

It's really nice to know that I'm not the only one with these problems

[theJdoggIMS]

I've always felt the same way as this series of videos, but could never communicate those views as eloquently as you did. Good job. In gradeschool, I had a speech therapist try to teach me social skills when I already knew them, but the anxiety was so overwhelming that it didn't do any good.

[RomeoAnddotdotdot]

This makes a lot of sense! I've actually been noticing how easy I've had it in social situations when I'm with friends or otherwise feel "comfortable."

It's not a lack of social skills that makes you anxious, it's a lack of comfort!

[HoplesslyAnxious]

Good points. It's not the social skills that we lack, but it's the anxiety that interferes with our ability to display those skills. Therefore, I will not waste my time improving my social skills (I actually do think they are good enough) and will focus my energy on attacking my anxiety instead. Thanks.

[benGO94]

your making good points

[crayyawn]

thank you nick! i love your videos, they always make me feel better.

[JCortexEffect]

I love you

thank you so much I hope I can get this fixed before its too late.

would you recommend St Johns Wort ?

its a over the counter pill that is made from a herb

I'm just wondering if anyone has tried this and what was the outcome of it?

Thank you very much :)

[socialanxietyvideo]

@JCortexEffect I am familiar with it but have never tried it myself. People who try it sometimes seem to feel a bit better, but often the difference is fairly subtle and therefore I would encourage you to persist with psychological methods which can lead to significant and lasting changes. If you do take it be careful about drug interactions. Although 'herbal', it is still a drug and can cause problems if taken with certain prescription medications.

[internethandle]

excellent videos. some really dead on insights. certainly helps to have someone who has actually been socially anxious work with those who are currently anxious.

[Joeygirl25]

so how then do you get confident?!?!?

[socialanxietyvideo]

@Joeygirl25 Thanks for watching the video. I'll be making some more soon that will briefly answer your question.

[svartsaft]

@socialanxietyvideo have u made that video yet? =)

[eekolite]

Thanks so much, I think this exactly explains my situation.

[philochristos]

That was very interesting. You described me so accurately (especially in the first part) that it's almost as if you've been spying on me or reading my journal. I have been attributing some of my social anxiety to my lack of social skills, and I have "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie as well as "How to Start a Conversation and Make Friends" by Don Gabor. Neither have been helpful. But I've also got books on social anxiety and cognitive therapy that haven't helped.

[socialanxietyvideo]

@philochristos I promise I've not been spying on you :-) Self-help isn't for everyone and you might find you get on better with Cognitive Therapy (CT) with a therapist. CT isn't for everyone but I believe it's along the right lines and with a bit of development it can suit most people. Part of my interests involve developing therapies for social phobia and there is definitely room for improvement with CT. The basics are there though.

[arzoo82]

Really good advice thank you.

[rickgut2004]

Amazing videos! This has changed my whole view on things. The idea that anxiety and not social skills is what has hindered my ability to connect with others what right under my nose all of this time. I think about the times that I have gone out with friends (the few that i have) and have had a few drinks. I suddenly become very friendly and charasmatic with anyone around. My question now is how do I go about breaking down this wall of anxiety. It's nice knowing my social skills are not to blame.

[socialanxietyvideo]

@rickgut2004 Glad you found the video helpful :-) I'm working on some information for people, but it's still a work in progress.

[Wwehater45]

Well, thanks for creating these videos. I watch your videos and JaneyfromKorea's videos.

I wish I could say that I think I'll overcome this monster that has destroyed me, but I don't think I ever will. I am so negative and I cry every night due to thoughts of suicide that I can't block out, no matter how hard I try to think of something else.

Something must change. I'm sick of this. I'm sick of all of it. I just want to know why I had to have this challenge in my life.

[socialanxietyvideo]

@Wwehater45 Thanks for watching the videos. It is a monster in the way it affects people's lives. Stay strong and look after yourself, I have faith in you that you can get to a better place a little step at a time. Do reach out for help and talk to someone when the pain feels too much. It won't make it all better, but it can take the edge off enough to cope.

[Wwehater45]

I wish I did have someone to talk to.

Thanks for creating the "Information on Social Anxiety" PDF document. I printed it off, although I am not sure why. :/

[cats28nl]

I'm also doing The Work by Byron Katie, It has changed my life and my SA.

[MrJuggy2009]

Try 'The Work' to change the beliefs. Its great for me

[driftx2]

I really like this video. It makes me realize what I have been doing wrong. I have been trying to improve my social skills. It works sometimes, but when it fails to get me the result I want, it makes me depressed. I agree that confidence is the key to social anxiety. Thank you

[MrJuggy2009]

@driftx2 Try 'The Work' by Katie Byron to change the beliefs. Its great for me. Its completely free on her website.

[socialanxietyvideo]

Glad it helped a bit, thanks for your comment

[ToLiveIsToDie20]

Well that pretty much *wraps* it up for my belief of improving social skills to overcome anxiety. Very informativ videos, definitely keep it up!! good job. So learning to gain confidence in social situations on a trial and error basis is the step towards obtaining better social skills I assume, And that confidence must be positive and not negative I suppose. That way success can build upon success and not upon failure. Am I right? I think I came to a conclusion lol.

[MrJuggy2009]

@ToLiveIsToDie20 @driftx2 Try 'The Work' by Katie Byron to change the beliefs. Its great for me. Its completely free on her website.

[socialanxietyvideo]

@ToLiveIsToDie I'll try to cover more about this in a video sometime. It's really best to not think about it in terms of social skills at all. I meant to say it in the video but the confidence isn't necessarily built through being successful socially. It's more about developing the self-confidence to handle whatever comes your way, including mistakes and failures, and that is a lot about your relationship with yourself.

[ToLiveIsToDie20]

hmm makes sense. very informative. lol I only made a video response to this video cus i couldnt think of anything else, video response works for me. thanks.

[laurelisavantgarde]

Great videos! They were very helpful. Like many others, my first attempt to overcome anxiety was trying to improve my social skills. These definitely explain why this isn't really the best way to go about getting rid of SA.

[socialanxietyvideo]

@laurelisavantgarde Really good to hear they give the message I wanted them to, thank you :-)

[MrJuggy2009]

@laurelisavantgarde @driftx2 Try 'The Work' by Katie Byron to change the beliefs. Its great for me. Its completely free on her website.

[ClockworkSublime]

Glad you made all these vids. Sa can cripple your ability to express yourself and get your thoughts out. So your discouraged to be social and face your fears, further putting you in a hole. Its a vicious cycle. keep posting.

[socialanxietyvideo]

@ClockworkSublime Thanks for your comment and encouragement :-)