In February 2004 my best friend of 15 years made the same decision with a 12 gauge under his chin. I had no clue this was going to happen but hindsight is 20/20, looking back there were red flags that I wasnt able to see at the time so I have a tremendous amount of guilt. You will never quite get over it but you can move on. In the final analysys the decision was his. Its a senseless and selfish act. Sorry to hear about this.
It creeps up on you slowly, over months, years even, so slow, that you might never notice it. It attaches to your life like a leech, and sucks at your body. You feel like your heart, and your mind is chained to a slowly sinking weight. It's so very easy to lie to yourself, "There's nothing wrong, I just need to work through this, everyone feels bad sometimes." It's true that you can break out of it, but for many people they might lack the will, or are still unaware.
And so comes the dangerous part. Your mind is tired, your body is tired. Months, or years pass. Things do not get better, you start to feel hopeless. With the hopelessness comes self hatred, and you start to devalue yourself. You withdraw from the world, you don't want to bother people with your problems.
Finally, the chains are too heavy, you feel like you haven't slept in days and crave sleep. Nothing seems to matter, and you just want life to end. The only bottom for depression is death.
Severe depression is the most terrifying monster I can think of. It makes you reject your friends, your passions, and eventually your life. It's so easy to just shut yourself in, and only the most determined friend has a chance in hell of getting you out.
Don't blame yourself for his death, don't feel as if you could have saved him. Depression is a silent assassin, and only the closest, and most vigilant people can spot it.
If you spot it in yourself or in someone else, don't fight it alone.
Part2: sad part is, we dont look after each other, instead, we put horse blinders on in hopes that, if we can not see it, it obviously is not a real problem, you did what you could Billy, never forget that
Humans as a Whole tend to over look the blatently obvious, Now-a-days, friends never seem to have enough time, enough space, or even enough emotional attachment to others, to give them the time they need, I have had the thought more than once in my life, and my friends always seem to be to busy, to wrapped up in there own life, to be able to sit down for a few hours, hold my hand, and if nothing else, lie to me and tell me everything is ok, your right, we should look after each other
Honestly man, do not blame yourself, Fred would have become extrenely good at hiding that side of himself, particularly from the people he loved and cared about. Out of necessity you become an accomplished liar, you don't want to share the hurt your feeling because you don't want it to hurt anyone else. You feel like your the only one who deserves it.
Ok, maybe Fred wasn't like that, I can only speak from personal experience, but maybe the fact that you didn't know is a sign that he cared.
Suicide is the worst. It grieves me greatly to hear these storys. I don't know what happens after death, but I do hope there is an opportunity for something better, especially for those who apparently had so much unattended pain.
My heart goes out to you, it really truly does. My sister-in-law made the same choice last fall. It is heartbreaking, I know. There are no words I can say or answers I can give but my thoughts are with you. I am so sorry.
I love you Billy :) HUGE huggs!
WheelchairPS 1 year ago
I keep watching this again and again and again.
TheScrewOnHead 2 years ago 2
Comment removed
LJPpro 2 years ago
If someone is depressed and suicidal, it doesn't matter how many people care about them, they will still feel completely alone.
kcolumbusgirl 2 years ago
That's not true for everyone.
Nocturnous 2 years ago
In February 2004 my best friend of 15 years made the same decision with a 12 gauge under his chin. I had no clue this was going to happen but hindsight is 20/20, looking back there were red flags that I wasnt able to see at the time so I have a tremendous amount of guilt. You will never quite get over it but you can move on. In the final analysys the decision was his. Its a senseless and selfish act. Sorry to hear about this.
TheRogueWizard 2 years ago
It creeps up on you slowly, over months, years even, so slow, that you might never notice it. It attaches to your life like a leech, and sucks at your body. You feel like your heart, and your mind is chained to a slowly sinking weight. It's so very easy to lie to yourself, "There's nothing wrong, I just need to work through this, everyone feels bad sometimes." It's true that you can break out of it, but for many people they might lack the will, or are still unaware.
This is only the beginning.
T8R 2 years ago
And so comes the dangerous part. Your mind is tired, your body is tired. Months, or years pass. Things do not get better, you start to feel hopeless. With the hopelessness comes self hatred, and you start to devalue yourself. You withdraw from the world, you don't want to bother people with your problems.
Finally, the chains are too heavy, you feel like you haven't slept in days and crave sleep. Nothing seems to matter, and you just want life to end. The only bottom for depression is death.
T8R 2 years ago
Severe depression is the most terrifying monster I can think of. It makes you reject your friends, your passions, and eventually your life. It's so easy to just shut yourself in, and only the most determined friend has a chance in hell of getting you out.
Don't blame yourself for his death, don't feel as if you could have saved him. Depression is a silent assassin, and only the closest, and most vigilant people can spot it.
If you spot it in yourself or in someone else, don't fight it alone.
T8R 2 years ago
Part2: sad part is, we dont look after each other, instead, we put horse blinders on in hopes that, if we can not see it, it obviously is not a real problem, you did what you could Billy, never forget that
seanc118 2 years ago
Humans as a Whole tend to over look the blatently obvious, Now-a-days, friends never seem to have enough time, enough space, or even enough emotional attachment to others, to give them the time they need, I have had the thought more than once in my life, and my friends always seem to be to busy, to wrapped up in there own life, to be able to sit down for a few hours, hold my hand, and if nothing else, lie to me and tell me everything is ok, your right, we should look after each other
seanc118 2 years ago
Honestly man, do not blame yourself, Fred would have become extrenely good at hiding that side of himself, particularly from the people he loved and cared about. Out of necessity you become an accomplished liar, you don't want to share the hurt your feeling because you don't want it to hurt anyone else. You feel like your the only one who deserves it.
Ok, maybe Fred wasn't like that, I can only speak from personal experience, but maybe the fact that you didn't know is a sign that he cared.
Beelzeboogie 2 years ago
that's horrible man, my heart goes out to you
thestuproject 2 years ago
Suicide is the worst. It grieves me greatly to hear these storys. I don't know what happens after death, but I do hope there is an opportunity for something better, especially for those who apparently had so much unattended pain.
I hope he found peace
squitmaa 2 years ago
That's really awful mate, for what little it is worth, my thoughts will be with you.
Peace!.
joebot1 2 years ago
tragic
taliajazel 2 years ago
My heart goes out to you, it really truly does. My sister-in-law made the same choice last fall. It is heartbreaking, I know. There are no words I can say or answers I can give but my thoughts are with you. I am so sorry.
theqmogvlogs 2 years ago