The reason this is so bad is that instead of comforting the girl, she turns everything back to herself. It's like "I'm hurting too" "I couldn't have babies". I mean the messages those things send to a child are not good.
I'm a single adoptive mother of a wonderful almost 14yr old. I adopted her when she was 28 days old. Thank you for your video. However, if I had seen it 14 yrs ago I was have been less likely to have adopted at all. Please know that my daughter and I have a wonderful life and I have not had the issues you talk about. I just wanted to voice my thoughts that your video could scare off potential adoptive parents. Adoption is a wonderful thing and folks should embrace it. Thank you.
@prsbes I am not a parent, I have the ability to bare my own children and I myself am not a racial minority. But I did grow up in a liberal upper middle class community where it was en vogue in the 80's to adopt non-white babies. So many of my childhood friends grew up burrying their feeling of being different and unsure of their place in a world they felt they did not belong to. I urge you to speak openly with your daughter about these issues. You may be surprised at what might be unsurfaced.
I honestly don't even have the word to express how DISGUSTING this clip was. You want to parent like her? The mother clearly needs to recover from her infertility guilt. God, this poor child. Adoption is in need of such reform. Some people...me, me, me. Save your woes and sorrows for someone else, not a child.
In my family we are so mixed up that we don't look like each other. The PROBLEM here is BAD PARENTING. The mother is selfish and said what her feel better, instead of doing what would teach her child to cope as the lone person of color. If everyone in the community looks just alike, like they are all inbred, then the ones looking different stick out like a soar thumb. I am actually surprised when kids look like clone of their parent; because it's uncommon in my family.
In my opinion the adoptive mother reacted wonderfull in that emotional situation. It would´ve been absolutely false, not to talk to her daughter like this. Because of that, her daughter now knows that she isn´t alone with her pain and that her mother understands her feelings as well. And that is something that will bond them together with love. My husband and I just started our adption process and I hope I´ll be able to talk to my child one day like that woman had done with her´s.
This Mom isn't evil to say hey I wish we had that special bond of being physically connected. If her daughter is 14 (and that's an age where girls are hypercritical of their moms) and says she knows that's not what her mom means, then the daughter knows it's all good.
I am actually adopted from Brazil, most Adopted Parents are usually psychologically damaged from not being able to have children. Their point of perspective is one of their normal upbringing and they don't comprehend that there will be differences in their relationship with adopted children than those they've had with their parents. Children should not be adopted to try and fix one's emotional void that they feel. Unintelligent people should simply no adopt.
I have a question for you. I am a domestic mexican american adoptee. Almost every time I meet someone who is mexican or latino/hispanic they expect me to speak spanish. They don't understand why I was not brought up in a spanish speaking latino family. It hurts, and it makes you feel like as if you don't belong. Has anyone done that to you?
This is a really good question. I am also of Latin heritage, but was raised by a white family. It is hard when people expect you to speak Spanish, but don't worry...they don't think bad of you when you don't. It is very common for people to "lose" a language thru various situations these days. Just make sure you make an effort to study the language as early as you can. You may never speak it perfectly, but you can try!
Cabbage, The fact that you stooped to insulting my appearance speaks volumes about your emotional maturity. I have had enough adult adoptees commend me that same conversation that I am not hurt by your ranting. I don't do everything right, but I know in my heart that the love and closeness we share as a family is helping my girls become their best possible selves. You misconstrued my points, and while I can understand how that happened, I've clarified. Selfish has nothing to do with it.
I understand this situation completely. I am adopted and went through my own struggles with it. My mom used to pick up the phone and say she was going to call for someone to get me. My adoptive mother couldn't have kids, so I know what it feels like not to live up to a lifetime of expectation. In the same breath I do believe that this woman doesn't know how to express how she feels because it IS a whirlwind of emotion. I dont think she meant any harm.
I can't believe she said that to her daughter. She may as well have said, "Looking at you causes me pain because you're not the ideal child I always wanted." Nice job, lady.
well an adoption is a match between parents who want a child but can't have any, and kids who need parents but don't have any. its not a perfect world and these unlikely matches happen. i'm sure its really tough on kids who are an entirely different race from their parents.
i'm sure its tough. but in its own way it can be a beautiful thing. well except perhaps if you are woody allen and have a thing for your adopted korean step-daughter. sick bastard.
@dudupile, Ideally adoption is what you said it is. In reality, it is most often a "match" between people who can afford to lay out a lot of money for fees, etc., and women/families who can't afford to raise their own children. Many adoptees, even those we classify as "orphans," already have parents. Should those people lose their children for the crime of being poor?
Mother is selfish to say this to a child. What the child is experiencing has nothing to do with her mother. Child deserves to be listened to and doesn't need to be an adult to her mother. Mom needs to go through her issues without dragging in her child into her own therapy.
This piece of work actually said to her eight year old daugher that she "wanted to curl up and die" when she found out that she could not have children of her own. Wow, that must be a comfort to an adopted kid. This woman should shut up about her "suffering."
To validate a child's pain is a first step to healing it. This mother could have done it in a better way than she did. Makes me think twice about adopting a child of another race. I know that a black child might have some problems in my blond family because of the horrible history in America. I thought perhaps another race would not be so difficult. I am thinking about the child here. I have one biological child. There are so many children that need help. What is the answer to this?
that is not the answer. the child will still not look like the parents. If that is all it's about, getting the child to look like the parents, then there are issues and best not adopt at all.
As an adoptee from another race, I can tell you that it is difficult. It has been hard to accept it but I decided not to care, because I know that I am LOVED no matter the color of my skin or the color of my hair. But adopting when you already have a biological child, in my opinion, would be harder. To know that your brother or sister, is actually your parents child and not you. I wish you the best in the journey of adoption.
@Kathylouu don't adopt!! the baby brokers lie to first moms to create the market. This identity thing isn't because of RACE. read primal wound the girls that went away adoption healing.... there is so much more. you have a child, don't make adoption profiteers take another child to fill your desire.
When that mother said to the girl, "And it's not fair that when I look at you...." she totally missed the point. If the girl was any other she would have caught it too.
The mom has siblings, parents, cousins, aunts, uncles, who look like her.
The child has NO one who looks like her. I feel so bad for the girl because as an adult adoptee, I still feel the heartache and loneliness that comes with not knowing a single soul that looks remotely like me.
I think, (or I'm just telling myself this,) that the woman didn't mean it the way she said it. It's understandable how the child felt, and I wish her reply could've been something more loving and (maybe cliche?) like "I don't see my face in yours either, but that doesn't make me love you any less." And then there could be a sweet talk about how family love isn't about race or blood ties really. And for the love of god, did she have to make it sound like she adopted cause that's all she could do?
I agree with your comment. I have an adopted daughter from China who we raise very open about her adoption. I never wanted my own kids but only to adopt from China. This mom made this child feel like she was just a consolation prize. My daughter knows she wasalways my dream come true. She gave her birth mom a name and we celebrate her at dfferent times.
At some stage, the child will be wanting to know why she was abandoned and start asking questions about her early life. Celebrating her birth mother's existence and explaining that it was due to hardship or unavoidable reasons that her mother had to take that step to gamble for a better life for her child is important. An adopted child is never "the best our of a bad situation." It is the best, period.
The way I see it, this Mc2writer lady has a mother who kept her; but her daughter never has that and never will. Mc2writer is a grown-up who chooses to have somebody else's children to fill a vacuum in her heart. If her daughters were not adopted by her, they will have less but they will survive; what they don't have, they will not miss. How she can equate her child's pain to her own is just beyond me. Adoption should be about the child and NOT about your vacuum.
Okay, when you say "It hurts *me* too"... it moves the focus from the adoptee's pain to the adoptive parent. Yes, I know it was you in the video.
An adoptive parent should be able to say "I'm sorry for *your* pain" instead of moving the spotlight from the adoptee to herself.
You can empathize with her, but you will never be her. That's what makes the difference in what I was trying to get at. You can say "I understand" - which is what you did, but then you moved the focus to *yourself.*
This is called empathy, Iggy. It wasn't a matter of saying, "it's all about me, kid." It was a matter of acknowledging that I believe her pain is real and I understand it, because I, too, have endured loss. But she is what is wonderful about my life now, and she knows that.
You have not endured any loss. You did not lose any child. Lots of women have no children or choose not to have any. But EVERYBODY has or should have a mother. Your daughter will never have her birth mother while you still have all your family around you, especially your mother. Don't you see the difference?
"You have not endured any loss. You did not lose any child."
Actually, this mother may have endured a loss that we don't know of. But still... I agree... saying "*I* hurt too, not seeing my face in you" moves the spotlight from the daughter to the mother.
It's not about saying "I hurt too, you know" - as the mother cannot BECOME the daughter and therefore cannot FEEl what she feels. It's about saying "I'm sorry you're hurting."
"She is what is wonderful about my life now, and she knows that." You see, it is all about her. The child is wonderful in her own right. She is not there to supply warmth and consolation to a grown woman.
How on earth could she say it pains her to see the child's face not being like hers? Firstly, she never had a child. Secondly, should ANY child's face be perfect for the mother? The child has a birth mother and she will NEVER meet her. This woman has her own mother still cooing over her. This woman must be crazy not to see the difference.
I am the 'piece of work' in the video. I was not then, nor have I ever, put my resentment off on my daughter. I wanted her to understand that we BOTH had losses that brought us together, and that I agreed with her that life is not fair. She came out of that conversation more grounded - and now, at 13, still talks to me about her grief. She hugs me and tells me how glad she is that she can come to me, that I understand. Then, of course, she yells at me - because she is, after all, 13. :)
I'm an adult adoptee -domestic. I loved this clip of your conversation with your daughter! I wish my mom and/or dad would have spoken this frankly with me! I wish it today at the age of 36! Although I have found some of my bio family, my parents won't hardly speak of them... I think that even though I have many answers regarding my past, my DNA, etc., I still need to get some things 'out in the open' with my parents. I think its not fair to either of us not to. Thanks for sharing!!!
NO, no, no, you must see how wicked this woman is. The fact that the child "hugged" her and said how "right" she was means nothing. Even now, she is still only 14 (eight when that woman guilt-trip her.) She has every right to mourn and grieve for not able to know her real mother (because this witch has no right to be a mother any more.) The infertitily of that woman is not her problem and cannot be equated to her own pain. She did not choose to enter that blasted family. She must leave asap.
REAL mother is an offensive term - please don't use it. Birth mother (and father) are real and so are the Forever parents. Many people use this term and don't realize how hurtful it is. My kid knows he has a birth mom and we honor her, but I'm the one he counts on now. Good stuff and bad stuff. It's all real.
My god this woman truly is a piece of work, I had to watch it twice, At first i thought wow what a loving thing to say.
I watched again and wow she seems to being putting her resentment of being barren on to the girl , telling the girl its not fair that the little girl doesn't have her face, shes clearly thinking of her own loss, not the childs loss
I agree. The mom basically just told her daughter that she's a second-hand toy. "Mommy couldn't have kids the way she wanted to, so that's why I got you instead." What kind of messed up thing is that to say to your 8 year old!
I am the child in question. No, that is not what she is saying. She was simply explaining why I was adopted. I was not a "second-hand toy", sure, this wasn't the original plan. So what? Life doesn't go like you plan, things can go wrong or change, but what she was saying is that you still have to keep going.
You are that woman's child? I guess you know best what you feel about this; but to us, she was not a good person to alleviate her "pain" by adopting you. What she said about you not looking like her make her painful is wicked. With a face like hers, she ought to be thankful.
I went to your site and found out you are only 14. You are too young to know what this so called "mother" has said and done. You might also have the hostage mentality (the Stockhom Syndrome,) sympathasizing with your "captor." That is what she is, a woman out for herself, thinking about herself only. I would advise you to go seek legal help and social services and seek re-adoption. She has no right to be anybody's mother. I have never seen an adoptive mom talking like that; she is mad selfish.
I am adopted and I've done the same thing to my own mother. I always hated going to family get together's cause I felt out of place. I always treated my parents really badly when someone related to them was around.... and I said the same thing... " Its not fair that they look like you and I don't".
this woman, faced with her child's pain, responded by diminishing her pain and guilt-tripping her with her own pain - and then to top it off, she lets her child know she came as a second choice.
are you guys blind? how can any of you people see that as good or love?
this woman is a poster child for the kind of parent too many of us adoptees had to live with growing up.
and people wonder why we're traumatized and bitter...
You misunderstand, Strings. Perhaps because this was late in an extremely emotional interview, I come off as a little... over the top. This incident happened 5 years ago, and she still mentions it, at 13,5, as one of the times "I loved you the most, Momma, because you *got* my hurt." Interestingly, I would NOT use this same approach with my youngest, as yes, she'd probably internalize guilt. She is very sensitive to others' feelings, so that conversation would be very different with her.
strings misunderstood nothing. Adoption hurts you too? Deal with your infertility issues BEFORE you adopt. You had a choice about adoption; your child had none. You have "lost" your birth-child-that-might-have- been; she has lost her real first parents. And you still shove it off her--she has to figure out how to fix herself(and your infertility too).
Your pain is real. You have a right to express it. But you don't get to use it as a trump card to negate her pain or manipulate her behavior.
Please remember in the future that your children's pain is the ONLY pain that matters in the position as your under 18 children. You are an adult; you still have your birth mother around you. Your daughters never have and never will have that. Internalized or not, just acknowledge their real pain and comfort that. Don't go down the "me too" route again until they are grown up.
She's an idiot. This isn't about HER; it's about her child's feelings! What a crummy thing to say to a kid: "I was devastated that I couldn't have a baby but instead of shriveling up and dying, I made the best of it. You're the best of it." Wow...talk about feeling like second choice! I'm an adoptive parent and if I EVER say anything like that to my child, please slap me silly!
I know the woman very well, and believe me, she is anything BUT an idiot. She was honest with her child about the fact that things happen that are not within our control, but we keep going along our path. Obviously, she has made it clear to her daughter many, many times that she's not "second best." OTOH, adopting children is, for most of us, the second choice. How many adoptive parents do you think chose adoption first, instead of trying to have natural children? Not many, in my experience.
Your loyalty to your friend is admirable. But listen to her saying it hurt HER not to see HER own face on the child; and adoption is her way of "making the best of it" just make me soo angry. What kind of woman is she to talk like that. Adoption is not necessarily the second choie at all, even for parents who cannot conceive naturally. They will tell you that adoption turns out to be the best thing. It may be another route they were forced to go down, but it is NEVER second best. Shame on her.
The fact that many people will say "My husband and I have *started* talking about adoption after x number of IVF treatments have failed" certainly does imply that adoption IS, in fact, the second choice...
For some, adoption is the first choice. I have Chinese friends, very rich and educated, who chose to adopt and would not have it any other way. But after one has adopted, one must NEVER say she makes the best of a "bad" situation or that the child does not looks like her. After the done deed, the adopted child is the best, period.
@cabbagemintor: I respectfully disagree. Adoption should never have to be a "best" option because the circumstances which lead up TO the adoption are never the "best." This does not mean adoption is "the best." It means adoption was "good enough" because adoption by default is not "the best."
@mirfir seems the mother may need to find more emotional support to deal with unresolved grief etc. That would be a good model for the child to see how adults do emotional and responsible things like getting appropriate help for them self. Then the child will be able to use this as a model for healthy responsible adult behavior. And by doing so, the mother may be able to be there for the child and their emotional needs till they can get them on their own.
The reason this is so bad is that instead of comforting the girl, she turns everything back to herself. It's like "I'm hurting too" "I couldn't have babies". I mean the messages those things send to a child are not good.
silverakisame 1 month ago
way to derail that little girl's pain. It wasn't about the adopted mother in that moment. It was about the child, and her pain.
yummieyummie123 3 months ago 2
I am adopted I know how that feels .. you dont know how that feels!!!
rexappel 4 months ago 2
I'm a single adoptive mother of a wonderful almost 14yr old. I adopted her when she was 28 days old. Thank you for your video. However, if I had seen it 14 yrs ago I was have been less likely to have adopted at all. Please know that my daughter and I have a wonderful life and I have not had the issues you talk about. I just wanted to voice my thoughts that your video could scare off potential adoptive parents. Adoption is a wonderful thing and folks should embrace it. Thank you.
prsbes 1 year ago
@prsbes I am not a parent, I have the ability to bare my own children and I myself am not a racial minority. But I did grow up in a liberal upper middle class community where it was en vogue in the 80's to adopt non-white babies. So many of my childhood friends grew up burrying their feeling of being different and unsure of their place in a world they felt they did not belong to. I urge you to speak openly with your daughter about these issues. You may be surprised at what might be unsurfaced.
summerfae 5 months ago in playlist More videos from adoptedthemovie
"where did this come from?" is it not obvious? WOW :/
Sennoko 1 year ago
I honestly don't even have the word to express how DISGUSTING this clip was. You want to parent like her? The mother clearly needs to recover from her infertility guilt. God, this poor child. Adoption is in need of such reform. Some people...me, me, me. Save your woes and sorrows for someone else, not a child.
exuberantpeace 1 year ago
for all those adoptees out there, we definitely weren't accidents :) Hope that cheers some people up. Btw, she is a really good speaker.
revynsworld 1 year ago
In my family we are so mixed up that we don't look like each other. The PROBLEM here is BAD PARENTING. The mother is selfish and said what her feel better, instead of doing what would teach her child to cope as the lone person of color. If everyone in the community looks just alike, like they are all inbred, then the ones looking different stick out like a soar thumb. I am actually surprised when kids look like clone of their parent; because it's uncommon in my family.
alecniles 2 years ago
good message of hope for those struggling with identity issues (transracial adoption).
hppy4ever 2 years ago
In my opinion the adoptive mother reacted wonderfull in that emotional situation. It would´ve been absolutely false, not to talk to her daughter like this. Because of that, her daughter now knows that she isn´t alone with her pain and that her mother understands her feelings as well. And that is something that will bond them together with love. My husband and I just started our adption process and I hope I´ll be able to talk to my child one day like that woman had done with her´s.
frohblatt 2 years ago
This Mom isn't evil to say hey I wish we had that special bond of being physically connected. If her daughter is 14 (and that's an age where girls are hypercritical of their moms) and says she knows that's not what her mom means, then the daughter knows it's all good.
ediecago 2 years ago
I am actually adopted from Brazil, most Adopted Parents are usually psychologically damaged from not being able to have children. Their point of perspective is one of their normal upbringing and they don't comprehend that there will be differences in their relationship with adopted children than those they've had with their parents. Children should not be adopted to try and fix one's emotional void that they feel. Unintelligent people should simply no adopt.
0hmyy0utubeusername 2 years ago
I have a question for you. I am a domestic mexican american adoptee. Almost every time I meet someone who is mexican or latino/hispanic they expect me to speak spanish. They don't understand why I was not brought up in a spanish speaking latino family. It hurts, and it makes you feel like as if you don't belong. Has anyone done that to you?
bluepenguinflyboi 2 years ago 6
This is a really good question. I am also of Latin heritage, but was raised by a white family. It is hard when people expect you to speak Spanish, but don't worry...they don't think bad of you when you don't. It is very common for people to "lose" a language thru various situations these days. Just make sure you make an effort to study the language as early as you can. You may never speak it perfectly, but you can try!
mslottidi 2 years ago
Cabbage, The fact that you stooped to insulting my appearance speaks volumes about your emotional maturity. I have had enough adult adoptees commend me that same conversation that I am not hurt by your ranting. I don't do everything right, but I know in my heart that the love and closeness we share as a family is helping my girls become their best possible selves. You misconstrued my points, and while I can understand how that happened, I've clarified. Selfish has nothing to do with it.
mc2writer 2 years ago
I understand this situation completely. I am adopted and went through my own struggles with it. My mom used to pick up the phone and say she was going to call for someone to get me. My adoptive mother couldn't have kids, so I know what it feels like not to live up to a lifetime of expectation. In the same breath I do believe that this woman doesn't know how to express how she feels because it IS a whirlwind of emotion. I dont think she meant any harm.
MsAnthropy 2 years ago
I can't believe she said that to her daughter. She may as well have said, "Looking at you causes me pain because you're not the ideal child I always wanted." Nice job, lady.
NaturalGrace 2 years ago 3
well an adoption is a match between parents who want a child but can't have any, and kids who need parents but don't have any. its not a perfect world and these unlikely matches happen. i'm sure its really tough on kids who are an entirely different race from their parents.
i'm sure its tough. but in its own way it can be a beautiful thing. well except perhaps if you are woody allen and have a thing for your adopted korean step-daughter. sick bastard.
dudupile 2 years ago
@dudupile, Ideally adoption is what you said it is. In reality, it is most often a "match" between people who can afford to lay out a lot of money for fees, etc., and women/families who can't afford to raise their own children. Many adoptees, even those we classify as "orphans," already have parents. Should those people lose their children for the crime of being poor?
jenkinscrowe 1 year ago
@jenkinscrowe
Yes, how are they supposed to provide for children if they don't have the means? They are just dooming the futures of those kids.
LeeMIlby 11 months ago
I've got so much pain inside
420itsme 2 years ago
Mother is selfish to say this to a child. What the child is experiencing has nothing to do with her mother. Child deserves to be listened to and doesn't need to be an adult to her mother. Mom needs to go through her issues without dragging in her child into her own therapy.
jbnewburg 3 years ago 9
This piece of work actually said to her eight year old daugher that she "wanted to curl up and die" when she found out that she could not have children of her own. Wow, that must be a comfort to an adopted kid. This woman should shut up about her "suffering."
cabbagemintor 2 years ago
To validate a child's pain is a first step to healing it. This mother could have done it in a better way than she did. Makes me think twice about adopting a child of another race. I know that a black child might have some problems in my blond family because of the horrible history in America. I thought perhaps another race would not be so difficult. I am thinking about the child here. I have one biological child. There are so many children that need help. What is the answer to this?
Kathylouu 3 years ago
You could always adopt from Russia or another eastern european nation. Then there would not be the racial issue...
lackingapathy 3 years ago
Comment removed
cabbagemintor 3 years ago
that is not the answer. the child will still not look like the parents. If that is all it's about, getting the child to look like the parents, then there are issues and best not adopt at all.
finch6789 2 years ago
As an adoptee from another race, I can tell you that it is difficult. It has been hard to accept it but I decided not to care, because I know that I am LOVED no matter the color of my skin or the color of my hair. But adopting when you already have a biological child, in my opinion, would be harder. To know that your brother or sister, is actually your parents child and not you. I wish you the best in the journey of adoption.
ButterflyRose420 3 years ago 5
@Kathylouu don't adopt!! the baby brokers lie to first moms to create the market. This identity thing isn't because of RACE. read primal wound the girls that went away adoption healing.... there is so much more. you have a child, don't make adoption profiteers take another child to fill your desire.
nadeseh 1 year ago
@Kathylouu, have you looked at John Raible's site? It's an excellent resource on transracial adoption.
jenkinscrowe 8 months ago
When that mother said to the girl, "And it's not fair that when I look at you...." she totally missed the point. If the girl was any other she would have caught it too.
The mom has siblings, parents, cousins, aunts, uncles, who look like her.
The child has NO one who looks like her. I feel so bad for the girl because as an adult adoptee, I still feel the heartache and loneliness that comes with not knowing a single soul that looks remotely like me.
batmanzena 3 years ago 37
I think, (or I'm just telling myself this,) that the woman didn't mean it the way she said it. It's understandable how the child felt, and I wish her reply could've been something more loving and (maybe cliche?) like "I don't see my face in yours either, but that doesn't make me love you any less." And then there could be a sweet talk about how family love isn't about race or blood ties really. And for the love of god, did she have to make it sound like she adopted cause that's all she could do?
aliciaftw 3 years ago 5
I agree with your comment. I have an adopted daughter from China who we raise very open about her adoption. I never wanted my own kids but only to adopt from China. This mom made this child feel like she was just a consolation prize. My daughter knows she wasalways my dream come true. She gave her birth mom a name and we celebrate her at dfferent times.
skaterLiLismom 3 years ago 4
At some stage, the child will be wanting to know why she was abandoned and start asking questions about her early life. Celebrating her birth mother's existence and explaining that it was due to hardship or unavoidable reasons that her mother had to take that step to gamble for a better life for her child is important. An adopted child is never "the best our of a bad situation." It is the best, period.
cabbagemintor 3 years ago
The way I see it, this Mc2writer lady has a mother who kept her; but her daughter never has that and never will. Mc2writer is a grown-up who chooses to have somebody else's children to fill a vacuum in her heart. If her daughters were not adopted by her, they will have less but they will survive; what they don't have, they will not miss. How she can equate her child's pain to her own is just beyond me. Adoption should be about the child and NOT about your vacuum.
cabbagemintor 3 years ago 7
Okay, when you say "It hurts *me* too"... it moves the focus from the adoptee's pain to the adoptive parent. Yes, I know it was you in the video.
An adoptive parent should be able to say "I'm sorry for *your* pain" instead of moving the spotlight from the adoptee to herself.
You can empathize with her, but you will never be her. That's what makes the difference in what I was trying to get at. You can say "I understand" - which is what you did, but then you moved the focus to *yourself.*
meiling04 3 years ago 30
This is called empathy, Iggy. It wasn't a matter of saying, "it's all about me, kid." It was a matter of acknowledging that I believe her pain is real and I understand it, because I, too, have endured loss. But she is what is wonderful about my life now, and she knows that.
mc2writer 3 years ago
You have not endured any loss. You did not lose any child. Lots of women have no children or choose not to have any. But EVERYBODY has or should have a mother. Your daughter will never have her birth mother while you still have all your family around you, especially your mother. Don't you see the difference?
cabbagemintor 3 years ago 7
"You have not endured any loss. You did not lose any child."
Actually, this mother may have endured a loss that we don't know of. But still... I agree... saying "*I* hurt too, not seeing my face in you" moves the spotlight from the daughter to the mother.
It's not about saying "I hurt too, you know" - as the mother cannot BECOME the daughter and therefore cannot FEEl what she feels. It's about saying "I'm sorry you're hurting."
meiling04 3 years ago
"She is what is wonderful about my life now, and she knows that." You see, it is all about her. The child is wonderful in her own right. She is not there to supply warmth and consolation to a grown woman.
cabbagemintor 3 years ago 8
Adoptee: "You look at your mother and see yourself reflected back in her! It's not fair to me because I don't have that!"
Adoptive mom: "Yeah, well, *I* look at you and I don't see my face in you either. It hurts *me* too.
It's about the CHILD, not the MOM! The MOM is the who chose to adopt!! It's not like the CHILD chose to be adopted!
Iggychan 3 years ago 6
How on earth could she say it pains her to see the child's face not being like hers? Firstly, she never had a child. Secondly, should ANY child's face be perfect for the mother? The child has a birth mother and she will NEVER meet her. This woman has her own mother still cooing over her. This woman must be crazy not to see the difference.
cabbagemintor 3 years ago 7
Not sure if you're ranting at me, or FOR me... @@
meiling04 3 years ago
I am the 'piece of work' in the video. I was not then, nor have I ever, put my resentment off on my daughter. I wanted her to understand that we BOTH had losses that brought us together, and that I agreed with her that life is not fair. She came out of that conversation more grounded - and now, at 13, still talks to me about her grief. She hugs me and tells me how glad she is that she can come to me, that I understand. Then, of course, she yells at me - because she is, after all, 13. :)
mc2writer 3 years ago
I'm an adult adoptee -domestic. I loved this clip of your conversation with your daughter! I wish my mom and/or dad would have spoken this frankly with me! I wish it today at the age of 36! Although I have found some of my bio family, my parents won't hardly speak of them... I think that even though I have many answers regarding my past, my DNA, etc., I still need to get some things 'out in the open' with my parents. I think its not fair to either of us not to. Thanks for sharing!!!
danka2008 3 years ago 2
NO, no, no, you must see how wicked this woman is. The fact that the child "hugged" her and said how "right" she was means nothing. Even now, she is still only 14 (eight when that woman guilt-trip her.) She has every right to mourn and grieve for not able to know her real mother (because this witch has no right to be a mother any more.) The infertitily of that woman is not her problem and cannot be equated to her own pain. She did not choose to enter that blasted family. She must leave asap.
cabbagemintor 2 years ago 2
REAL mother is an offensive term - please don't use it. Birth mother (and father) are real and so are the Forever parents. Many people use this term and don't realize how hurtful it is. My kid knows he has a birth mom and we honor her, but I'm the one he counts on now. Good stuff and bad stuff. It's all real.
ediecago 2 years ago
My god this woman truly is a piece of work, I had to watch it twice, At first i thought wow what a loving thing to say.
I watched again and wow she seems to being putting her resentment of being barren on to the girl , telling the girl its not fair that the little girl doesn't have her face, shes clearly thinking of her own loss, not the childs loss
raffynjenny 3 years ago 5
well said. very sad, but well said.
batmanzena 3 years ago 2
i dont think that was the right thing to say to her
Jonny5771 3 years ago 2
I agree. The mom basically just told her daughter that she's a second-hand toy. "Mommy couldn't have kids the way she wanted to, so that's why I got you instead." What kind of messed up thing is that to say to your 8 year old!
hawkfan1521 3 years ago
I am the child in question. No, that is not what she is saying. She was simply explaining why I was adopted. I was not a "second-hand toy", sure, this wasn't the original plan. So what? Life doesn't go like you plan, things can go wrong or change, but what she was saying is that you still have to keep going.
Chinasister12 2 years ago
You are that woman's child? I guess you know best what you feel about this; but to us, she was not a good person to alleviate her "pain" by adopting you. What she said about you not looking like her make her painful is wicked. With a face like hers, she ought to be thankful.
cabbagemintor 2 years ago
I went to your site and found out you are only 14. You are too young to know what this so called "mother" has said and done. You might also have the hostage mentality (the Stockhom Syndrome,) sympathasizing with your "captor." That is what she is, a woman out for herself, thinking about herself only. I would advise you to go seek legal help and social services and seek re-adoption. She has no right to be anybody's mother. I have never seen an adoptive mom talking like that; she is mad selfish.
cabbagemintor 2 years ago
I am adopted and I've done the same thing to my own mother. I always hated going to family get together's cause I felt out of place. I always treated my parents really badly when someone related to them was around.... and I said the same thing... " Its not fair that they look like you and I don't".
So thank you for having this vid.
zelsgirl 3 years ago 5
this woman, faced with her child's pain, responded by diminishing her pain and guilt-tripping her with her own pain - and then to top it off, she lets her child know she came as a second choice.
are you guys blind? how can any of you people see that as good or love?
this woman is a poster child for the kind of parent too many of us adoptees had to live with growing up.
and people wonder why we're traumatized and bitter...
youcanpullmystrings 3 years ago 7
You misunderstand, Strings. Perhaps because this was late in an extremely emotional interview, I come off as a little... over the top. This incident happened 5 years ago, and she still mentions it, at 13,5, as one of the times "I loved you the most, Momma, because you *got* my hurt." Interestingly, I would NOT use this same approach with my youngest, as yes, she'd probably internalize guilt. She is very sensitive to others' feelings, so that conversation would be very different with her.
mc2writer 3 years ago
strings misunderstood nothing. Adoption hurts you too? Deal with your infertility issues BEFORE you adopt. You had a choice about adoption; your child had none. You have "lost" your birth-child-that-might-have- been; she has lost her real first parents. And you still shove it off her--she has to figure out how to fix herself(and your infertility too).
Your pain is real. You have a right to express it. But you don't get to use it as a trump card to negate her pain or manipulate her behavior.
jenkinscrowe 3 years ago 7
Please remember in the future that your children's pain is the ONLY pain that matters in the position as your under 18 children. You are an adult; you still have your birth mother around you. Your daughters never have and never will have that. Internalized or not, just acknowledge their real pain and comfort that. Don't go down the "me too" route again until they are grown up.
cabbagemintor 3 years ago 7
She's an idiot. This isn't about HER; it's about her child's feelings! What a crummy thing to say to a kid: "I was devastated that I couldn't have a baby but instead of shriveling up and dying, I made the best of it. You're the best of it." Wow...talk about feeling like second choice! I'm an adoptive parent and if I EVER say anything like that to my child, please slap me silly!
taraloha 3 years ago 5
I know the woman very well, and believe me, she is anything BUT an idiot. She was honest with her child about the fact that things happen that are not within our control, but we keep going along our path. Obviously, she has made it clear to her daughter many, many times that she's not "second best." OTOH, adopting children is, for most of us, the second choice. How many adoptive parents do you think chose adoption first, instead of trying to have natural children? Not many, in my experience.
memzoo48 3 years ago
Your loyalty to your friend is admirable. But listen to her saying it hurt HER not to see HER own face on the child; and adoption is her way of "making the best of it" just make me soo angry. What kind of woman is she to talk like that. Adoption is not necessarily the second choie at all, even for parents who cannot conceive naturally. They will tell you that adoption turns out to be the best thing. It may be another route they were forced to go down, but it is NEVER second best. Shame on her.
cabbagemintor 3 years ago 3
The fact that many people will say "My husband and I have *started* talking about adoption after x number of IVF treatments have failed" certainly does imply that adoption IS, in fact, the second choice...
meiling04 3 years ago
For some, adoption is the first choice. I have Chinese friends, very rich and educated, who chose to adopt and would not have it any other way. But after one has adopted, one must NEVER say she makes the best of a "bad" situation or that the child does not looks like her. After the done deed, the adopted child is the best, period.
cabbagemintor 3 years ago
@cabbagemintor: I respectfully disagree. Adoption should never have to be a "best" option because the circumstances which lead up TO the adoption are never the "best." This does not mean adoption is "the best." It means adoption was "good enough" because adoption by default is not "the best."
meiling04 1 year ago 5
Wow, That is so amazingly good what she said. Honesty and love come across big time!
nicolemama3 3 years ago
adoptedthemovie
I Violently despise! you RACISTS Videos!
Raymasaki 3 years ago
I respect this woman for being so candid and realistic! Keep up the good work!
mirfir 3 years ago
@mirfir seems the mother may need to find more emotional support to deal with unresolved grief etc. That would be a good model for the child to see how adults do emotional and responsible things like getting appropriate help for them self. Then the child will be able to use this as a model for healthy responsible adult behavior. And by doing so, the mother may be able to be there for the child and their emotional needs till they can get them on their own.
upcycle 1 year ago
I can relate, even though i have come to discover that i have a pretty good gene pool!
mirfir 3 years ago
sad :(
arjuna316 3 years ago
That made me cry.
atuma 3 years ago