State of mind [BPD]

[justagirl166]

@Whitelight928 UK x

[craftgrrl14]

I've been suspecting for awhile now that I might have BPD. I have episodes extremely similar to what you show in this video along with a lot of the other symptoms of BPD. Thank you for your excellent videos and I hope you are feeling better :)

[lovegreenjade]

I feel for you, I really do.

My very best friend suffers with BPD and I know and see how she feels,

She`s always saying why are we her friends.

We tell her, because we love her.

X

[shawnielee1976]

I know you are sick...and suffer from a real illness...but this makes me ill just watching this. "State of mind" is important...go outside...be grateful for WHAT you DO HAVE.

[justagirl166]

@shawnielee1976 Its all well and good saying that, but when you have mental health problems you have tunnel vision. Each day is a million wars in my head, it blows.

[kassandramd]

I have bpd so I understand how you felt, but seven minutes of your facial expressions in front of a computer does not make such a great video, maybe shortening it or talking would help? Idk. oh and great legs, missy, you don't need diet pills. Marylin Monroe is my beauty icon, not Vogue. Good luck!

[karacigerkelebegi]

i have a friend she has bdp and she looks like bella in twilight. like this girl :) ahhaha

[jns1234ify]

hilarious. if we all sat at our computer desk with unwashed hair, an expertly cynical expression on our face playing grudgey alternative pop music with a cigarette, we would we depressed too... that aside, great performance!!!!

[justagirl166]

@jns1234ify Your a bell end do you know that!

[LittleBlueStar13]

@jns1234ify that not nice. you have no idea what its like to have BPD or Depression. its not just a cynical look we have on our faces, we literally zone out and cant actually see anything positive AT ALL. its not funny and its not nice, we cant move, we cant think straight we cant breathe. all we can do is just be and trust me thats bad enough. BPD makes u lose frnds alienate "lovers" fail at school and watch every1 else evolve and be happy whilst your stuck in the same place without a choice.

[anaxgoth]

I can relate so much to this it's scary. I have BPD too. and I constantly just stare off into space. I'm really glad that you're in a better place. and Jack Off Jill is an amazing band. <3

[hab123]

yup that is depression

[little1777]

@dhuuki0182 right so thats why the DSM specify NINE criteria and to be diagnosed you must have ANY FIVE at least?! We may all have "similar" symptoms but "similar" means "like" not "the same" get a dictionary! and stop judging people and putting them down until you have your facts straight! also, until you are brave enough to post a video like this, portaying your own BPD experience... take your opinions elsewhere!

[ddrky123]

great video. i can relate to how you are feeling. some times it fells like music is the only thing that can help you fell just a littel better.

[MsAgnosticatheist]

I hate to say this because it sounds insensitive, but i'm mentally ills too so. You've got this tragic beauty and I love watching your videos. You are very artistic and talented. You're expressions and mannerisms, i can really feel you and your mood. It's like you bring at the tragic beauty and pain of being a BPD at the same time.

[erraticsnow]

What can I say? Watching your video was like seeing myself in a film. I am more or less the same way. Hope you recover soon. Wish you all the best and keep up your intellectual talent, dear :)

[movadoband]

Women have it easier than men, you'll are allowed to have feelings we aren't.No we are the strong ones that are worthless without a cold hard shell to present to the world.

[disappear]

@movadoband Who told you you're not allowed to have feelings? I'm not sure who you're hanging out with, but you should probably tell them to F**K off.

[movadoband]

@disappear I can't very well tell society to eff off ya know, I like them haha.

[natashar2]

this songs from Six Feet under, and the guy on that has bipolor disorder, i know its not the same but

[aubrey84]

i want to show u some love and support this reminds me of myself all i do is listen to music i dont kno if its helping or hurting but its my thing and how i self medicate.i jus want u to kno u not alone. and i want to ask u what are u doing to feel better?

[justagirl166]

@aubrey84 Thank you. I am going to thrapy, taking my medication, trying hard to emerge myself in things I love. I'm going to collage, looking after my house and being productive, and attepting to target my bad behaviours. x

[melanie20034]

hope u ok. 

[MsWolfProductions]

2:39 your left arm is just slighting shaking

[MsWolfProductions]

o.o was you shaking all the way through 2:39

[majikstranger]

Im sure sitting there smoking listening to depressive music isnt helping. Get some fresh air. Im depressed just looking at this. Not meaning to be mean but BPD can be stopped

[justagirl166]

@majikstranger I know, I was in a very bad place back then, this was done 3 years ago. I am a lot better now, and I have learnt that sulking basically never helps. x

[majikstranger]

@justagirl166 Im glad your doing better, My Gf is BPD and i had to help ALOT as she was clueless she even had a problem. You are very interesting and creative and brave for putting this up. Kudos

[disappear]

You loose your mind, very gracefully. :)

(p.s. i have bpd too)

[justagirl166]

@disappear Thank you :) x

[podx990]

Living in a nightmare you can't wake up from. Been there a lot. Thank you for posting this, dear. It's both kind and brave of you to share your personal moments like this. If you want to chat sometime, please do. Take care and God bless.

[justagirl166]

@podx990 Youre welcome :) x

[CAPZLOKK]

has it gotten better?

[justagirl166]

@CAPZLOKK Oh god yes :) I'm so much better now thank you! x

[ohdoshutit]

i have a question for women here with bpd. what kinds of people attract you? men, friends etc. - i find myself with bad guys (emotionally unavailable) but people who thrive on thrill-seeking like me. (i have chronic boredom/depression all the time). i have been diagnosed at the less extreme end of bpd. what kinds of guys do you girls end up falling for?

[TheDarkofTommy]

I wish I knew you. I have these 'bad nights' way too often. For me, everything triggers these moods. I've never met anyone else who has this. I feel so completely alone sometimes. My heart goes out to you...

[letherit77]

i have bpd,and am taking quetiapine at the mo,they help quite a bit............by the way u got a cracking body.lol

[habanatschi]

fuckin familiar........

[extratoneik]

girl grEAT VID :-)

[vastceruleansky]

you are incredibly brave to show this to the world. Thank you so much. Thank you for showing me I'm not the only one.

[celiblue]

FAIL

[barband57]

You wonder how you will get through.

[libralady1017]

thank you for sharing who you are, you have helped me,and I know I am not alone:)

[ethernetstd]

Also to nic, their not sick games. It's just how you understand the world and how you are. That doesn't mean people have to accept it, but it doesn't make it malicious.

[nicbangalore]

I'm not into labels and I'm not sure if I have BPD...but i always have such a hard time explaining to people why i 'play' what seems to them as 'sick mind games'..and try to make them understand how i feel sometimes. Not being able to make people around me understand what I feel is so emotionally exhausting...I wish could meet someone who feels like I do

[ethernetstd]

@nicbangalore I would say that the "games" make it much harder for the people around you. I am not indicting you here, but I promise it is just as difficult to love and care for osmeone with bpd as it is to be one.

[ethernetstd]

@nicbangalore @nicbangalore It is the hall mark in alot of ways for these people to hurt the closest ones to them. I understand it is hard, but you can't blame people for their sense of self preservation. I don't understand my bpd wife at all, I try, but that doesn't change the fact that when she lashes out at me that it makes me less wont to understand, let alone be around her. Just stay strong and try to be self awar of what you are doing.

[nicbangalore]

Yea..tell me about it. I've just been dumped recently..and she used the exact same words.." I care for you, but please understand that I'm doing this for self preservation" I drove her crazy with my sick games to the extent that she had to hide from me

[ethernetstd]

@nicbangalore I totally support trying to become healthier, but at the same time the tale of the frog and the scorpian come to mind. You should check it out. The basic gist, is that regardless of the fact that you have issues and it is hard for you, unfortunately you cannot expect others to just accept games and poor treatment. My wife has been open to councelling, but only after years of prodding. Even in councellnig she lashed out and blamed things on me, however.... (continued)

[ethernetstd]

The counceller pointed these things out and helped us begin to communicate. Mind you as soon as we got out she dropped some bomb shells on me, but I just chalked it up to her disorder. I think the hard part coming from the other side, is that you can only run into a spike so many times before you realise that you are enabling this pain that is being inflicted upon you. As hard as it is to understand, it's almost like she is so terrified of being abandoned, that she pushes me away instead.

[ethernetstd]

I continue plugging away every day, but now have accepted the fact that she may never get better and indeed may get worse. Fact is, that I cannot, and will not allow my kids to grow up thinking that this toxic form of love is the norm. So I am trying to get her help, but will not "run into that spike" yet again. I find myself becoming detached from her, and caring less because when I care more it hurts alot more. Hopefully she will come around, but I just live day by day.

[moochey789]

thank you for making me realise im not the only person who feels like this on a daily basis

[LouliPetite]

I have borderline personality disorder to, and I understand what you are going through.

[1nevi]

you will feel better when you get older. will get use to live with it. just maybe anger will stay there longer..

[ddd1600]

GET UP!!! your methods are ineffective!!! I can see this BEHAVIOR lapsing into eternity. The music isn't helping either. Sometimes we need to change our environment before we can expect to change our behavior.

[sgentlemanjack112]

i know its tempting to want to listen to music that reflect what you feel on the inside so that you can have SOME sense of idenifying with some artist who can put poetic words to the emptyness you feel inside, but have you ever though that it only REINFORCES your negativity and sadness??

I know the same is for me, I just want to feel something anything so I do the same as you, sit for hours listening to whatever..but it makes it worse in the long run.

food for though, well for recovery

[uglyfetus1]

You are stunningly beautiful. Strawberry Gashes is such a great song.

Thanks for sharing, you've made me feel a little less alone.

[rockhardlovers]

This all seems achingly familiar. Don't worry about your spelling bub, they're not that bad.

This is really good by the way, true represetation of this.

Thank you for uploading (:

[justagirl166]

@rockhardlovers Thank you :) <3

[vOoNneE]

I haven't been diagnosed with anything nor will I diagnose myself, but it makes me feel a bit better to know that I'm not the only one who stares at nothing at all and spends hours feeling like shit and empty at the same time. Sometimes I just feel too fucking tired to cry.

Thank you for putting this up.

[justagirl166]

@vOoNneE your welcome :) x

[bnfaith420]

wonderful deppiction. yeah and you waaaay remind me of me, besides the fact you do resemble the twilight chick, but i think youre probably prettier and not fake and the twilight chick has to be a phony girl i bet.

[bnfaith420]

or be firends.. itd be nice to met someone with my same problem...anyway, i cant tell u to stay strong, i know what other people tell me is bullshit because they dont understand. I do. *hugs*

[BabyNeuron]

Boredom Inertia Fear Sorry Sorrow Hopelessness confusion suicidality Lonliness Unloved pointlessness anxiety hurt want desperation hate

[krsyness]

we are so much alike it hurts :'(

[FilmCrewIncJosh]

You look like the girl from twilight. Be proud.

[justagirl166]

lol thank you :)

[SairyPoo]

I agree!

[MsShadowangel]

Don't let these people who say ur faking or whatever get to you. Unless they've experienced it themselves, they dont know what they're talking about. :D

[justagirl166]

:) Thank you!! xXx

[Antienetta]

... Okay.

[Smellypope]

Again....its like looking at myself!

I have been diagnosed BPD a month ago.

You're vids a really helping me.

Hang on in there!

Ron

[doar0eu]

you realy scared me s like me standing in the face of a miror i don t smoke though....but all your feelings music the idea of beign fukin lonely thinikin how can you end it or what s the point of life...or just live the music and get the shivers down your spine

[Cre8ive07]

I can relate.

[MrOntheborder]

Ok. After reading some comments I am gonna strike bak. Acting? Well.. Who r we to judge and say yay or ney. I, 32 yrs young, have BPD.

It strikes me when I least expect it. I know that "Stare". I have sat in a chair for an hour at a time straring thru the walls.

Positive music, mellow, anything can be a trigger. Hell, I have seen families having fun and it triggers me. Why? That emptiness, non fullfillment. Its all connected.

We are genuises, and should be coveted and loved.

[justagirl166]

Thank you for beng so understanding! :) x

[MrOntheborder]

Hey anytime... I am struggling to get my family and friends and BABIES MOMMAS lol t understand. Only 2 baby mommas. Thank god.

None the less, I had a bad week last week and everyone triggered me. Intentionally or un. not sure. My autistic son was caught in the midst of someone yelling at us. Talk about having 2 emotionally unstable people come unglued. I was mad cause someone made him cry, and he got mad cause I was crying.

it is odd... He and i are connected cosmically. We lean on one anutha

[naiisa24]

this looks like actin.. omg come on !!! ok on baddd days its so bad i cant even take a picture of myself & you're sayin you got all of this on camera wich was real ?? this is fake and hard to watch !!!

[justagirl166]

You know what, this isn't your illness this is mine, this is my illness and we are ALL DIFFRENT AND UNIQUE! so stop judging me ass!

[scottishflame1]

i also have borderline personality disorder, and its EXACTLY how it is....

[justagirl166]

Thanks Scottish flame =D

[soulclipse27]

THis is pretty much how it is for me too. Like Its in my head and I cant tell when it happens I can tell that its not NORMAL thinking. And I can pretty much keep it under wraps. But the splitting and the messed up paranoia that I feel really get me. Its unreasonable and I know it but its like 2 halves of my mind fighting back and fourth. The anger is there but I hide it really well. most people cant tell there is anything wrong. Its usually just my family or boyfriends that see it.

[IWakeUpAwfullyEarly1]

This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard when the DSM-IV itself says that there are 513 known manifestations of Borderline Personality Disorder.

[taniaaust1]

im kind of agreeing with dhuuki, if this is how your epsodies go with this illness, you are very lucky. i kind of go crazy with mine and are currently on a good behaviour bond as i drove into a building during one. i cut, i bleed myself, i throw things at people, i rip my hair out etc etc

anyway.. best wishes t you

[RavenBettyBlue]

Have you ever tried playing more positive music when you're feeling really down? It's worth a try.

[PeetjelovesKeith]

I see you.............. I see me............. I cried waching this......... I see myself why does borderline exsist........ i feel for you! Al the way from holland my best wishes to you and stay strong

[arcanebeauty]

did you just take cod liver oil?!x

[justagirl166]

Lol no, it was herbal diet pills :) x

[arcanebeauty]

lol i was gonna say! x

[arcanebeauty]

I think its great that your showing your feelings through this video, i really do, but it really does feel like your acting babes..i do't mean it in a bad way at all, its a good thing your raising awareness, just doesn't feel real babes x

[little1777]

@arcanebeauty this whole comment is really contradictory! you think its great shes showing her real feelings... but it looks like acting? but you dont mean that in a bad way! because its good shes raising awareness... yet it doesnt feel real :S make your mind up!

[arcanebeauty]

@little1777 My comment isn't contradicory at all.(maybe I should be more elliquent in my speech) I appreciate the context of the video, I just do not believe it is possible to produce a video like this without some form of acting....like I said, acting or not,...it's great that it raises awareness. Just it isnt all that convincing at the times you would expect it to be :) still better than mine though lol **always had a thumbs up from me**

[rockhardlovers]

I used to film my "episodes".

Now I just write them all out. The pills never worked. This is so accurate to it though, I hope you get better//it gets better. xx

[tightshadow]

i get like that alot. expecialy latly. have always at night n now more during day. do u have anyother mental illnesses.

[justagirl166]

BPD, Depression & ED

[tightshadow]

I have BPD, PTSD, mood disorder n ed. I know how hard it can be. i'm always here if u need to talk.

[justagirl166]

nope not at all...it was a real bad day!!

[justagirl166]

PPL like you annoy me.....we are all INDIVIDUAL, that means we all express our symtoms DIFFRENTLY!! No 2 bordelines are the same therfore how can you say this is inacurate? when you haven't seen my Doctors reports. So DON'T JUDGE!!

[BlueDiamondGirl]

I know what the tossing around in bed is like! Its starting to happen to me more and more frequently at night now! I'm getting so sick of it...

Kudos for posting a video depicting your experince!

<3

[justagirl166]

why is this funny? Do you realize one in 5 people suffer from seious mental health issues, that means at least 2 of your family members do, so if you think I'm funny then your actually laughing at your own family.........not so funny is it!! Mental health issues and not a thing to laugh about and its as bad as any other issue such as cancer!

[DeadStarlet]

i do this alot ..i think maybe more than i should i'm on alot of meds but they dont do much

[justagirl166]

Yes but we are all diffrent and deal with things in difrent ways. I'm potraying my illness not yours.

[mzzmodest]

yeah, i have BPD, and I don't act like this, seems like ur on drugs

[Culadra]

yea its very different, besides borderline are seperated into to types. and it also gives different reactions based on a person life and how a person with BPD reacts or protects them self from the rest of the world or truths from theire past

[mumuflake]

heya, i suffer from bpd too and i really think that your vid is showing the outside of a bad day/night. people should see the inside. nice greetings from germany :] hold on u guys

[justagirl166]

Thanx....yeah, people don't understand what it's like so I just thought I'd share it. x

[HM3Johnsgirl]

I have BPD and I'm not like this at night but all the time, I have so much anger. People see it and ask me why I have so much hatred for everyone. I don't hate people, I don't know why I have the anger I just do. Now I don't hurt anyone or myself, I've gotten past that but listen to heavy rock and alternative. I also keep to myself kind of like isolation.

[Khakibat]

Oops, I meant untouchable (ie my skin) and state of mind. ;)

[justagirl166]

lol =D there good choones! x

[somebodysomething]

where u medicated when u posted this video ??

[justagirl166]

Yes. I'm on 150mg Venaflaxine.

[Khakibat]

Ha!

Untouchable and My skin are my latest songs to listen to when I'm having my episodes, too.

[macdoktor]

um. . . . .kinda lost for words atm. You have captured EXACTLY how i am most nights. I want to do things but my mind is racing with so many thoughts that the hours whizz by. Great video m'am =D

[justagirl166]

thankyou so much =D

[twrl2007]

how old was you when it all started happening?

[justagirl166]

well my BPD was diagnosed in 2007. But i started having identiy issues at 15 and thats when things started to change for me. x

[MonsterMailInc]

your wall is a little like your mind.

[justagirl166]

it certaintly is =D

[kaceybabe21]

omg ... i have to say this made me sit here and cry my eyes out! the way u are right there is how i am ... and it drives me crazy!

[justagirl166]

Oh I'm sorry, I didn't mean for it to make people cry, it's just the reality of BPD

[twyla3]

that is a good way to make a video, to show what it is like on a night with BPD

[justagirl166]

thanx =D

[2FacedB]

Oh My God, you remind me of me. 0_0

[Polyology]

I take anti-psychotics (Abilify) for my mood swings.

[Polyology]

Do you take anti-depressants?

[justagirl166]

Yeah I do.

[CrunkChipmunk]

Good song choices.

[Polyology]

it is amazing to see somebody looking exactly the way the i feel almost all of the time.

[justagirl166]

thanx. x