Staring tournament - Full version Part 1

[markbradleyf1]

"....just stares at himself for ten hours a day...." lol!!

[MrRazorblade999]

Very rude commentators 3:51 They should get fired for that.

[toshholly]

Can't express how fantastic it is to see Benny Kiang back. I was really shook when he admitted to his PCP addiction, but it helped to explain his transgressions as was alluded to in the commentary. His autobiography "King Kong Kiang - My rise and fall" was an eye-opener to the pressures that competing at world class level brings. Thankfully with the WSO (World Staring Organization) signing upto WADA it will ensure competitors are clean and staring become an official olympic sport.

[supercoles1998]

the dislike definetly lost at a staring contest

[mmscott9]

I had the great pleasure of meeting Solowka at the 1992 Andorran Grand Prix, great chap. I remember he gave a fantastic after dinner speech, reminiscing of girls, psychadelic drugs and fortnight long parties with Pink Floyd. Indeed he had no memory of the 1981 Albanian Open, despite solidly overwhelming the favourite, Billy "No Blink" Fink. Since the sport was professionalised in 1997, no doubt such wild antics are a thing of the past, but we can still look back to a more innocent time.

[RichLN]

Amazing how times have moved on. Duran would never get away with a move like that nowadays, more's the pity. 

[medicinalchicken]

I have been long calling for a reformation of Stare-out judging, with three judges on timed blink rhythm to ensure a fair match. This way, two judges always have open eyes on the match. It's a farce of a sport until they come to their senses and address the startling hole in the tournament system.

[FullersLondonPride]

Ed 'The Head' Stead. Quality

[tuila]

Nanak and Duran in the finals - those were the days!

I must say a lot has changed since, not least because of the vast increase of illegal substances being used by the competitors these days. It takes a lot out of the excitement to know that most of the pros are constantly using eye drops and such to boost their performance.

The fact that Uzliam got caught using a glass eye at the European Championships this year just goes to show that it's not about dedication and fun anymore, just winning.

[observing999]

Hulz showed tremendous form in the Lichenstein invitational earlier this year. If he cleans up as expected at the European championships in December he will be looking invincible for 2012.

[themarcrpearson]

i remember being really dissapointed that Solowka Vs Uzliam was an opening round contest because it would have made a great final (again)

[The12ozBucket]

Ted Stead is a mate of mine..He lives in a bungalow because he can`t live in a house with no stairs.

[samthebitofalad]

I saw Ted Stead during the UK Championships in Grimsby in 1992 (remember that one? What a final!). I asked him for his autograph and he just walked right past me without a word. Not like Salowka. He spoke to me for two or three minutes - a true gent, and a great ambassador for the sport.

[IceHawk2504]

lolz

[zenzombie72]

"He who stares WINS"

[scrumpyandlumpy]

I hear rumours that the Chinese are practicing a variant where they stand and stare DOWN at their opponent. Playing numbers are at an all time high in China and a tour event has to go there soon or the game will not be fulfilling its global responsibility. Personally, I prefer to watch the women's game, more subtle, less macho.

[pxe]

I have to say I'm quite disgusted to hear the commentators put their childish humour ahead of the serious matter of staring. They missed a clear bit of head movement from Stead, and I thought I saw a bit of worry in the eyes of Hartha as one of those eyelashes threatened to drop again. And I'm sure some young viewers missed that as a result of their shenanigans.

I hope they gave a full and frank apology following the event. This is staring, not some comedy sketch show.

[SGde3a]

@pxe Well staring is a form of contempt for someone and it is very antisocial and another form of hatred based on fear. So i would say it is better for people not to take it seriously and to poke fun at it.

[williammelvin]

ted the head stead,,,, lmao brilliant

[XxXRazielRageXxX]

Raymond Sledge the gold standard of staring commentary. He will be missed.

[afuzzyduck]

@XxXRazielRageXxX RIP Raymond :(

[TECHNOID69]

the first 4hrs have zipped by LMAO

[liquidfreak]

Remeber.... He Who Stares, Wins!!!!

[twigletmania]

There's lots of girls wih pandas in the audience. Classic

[livrasexy]

My grandad is always telling us stories of the 68 final. I never get tired of hearing about the gripping 5th hour.

[SteffanLlwyd]

My elderly father's eyebrows are so long they cover his eyes. Does this rule him out of Stareathon? The Code Book (International, 1990, Part Two, Section 1.1.3) is unclear, simply rulling out 'sunglasses, visors, tinted glasses, veils, gauze sheeting and eye-catching make-up'. No mention of two inch long eyebrow hairs. They are far from pretty, by the way! He can stare as if there is 'nobody at home'. Sometimes, there appears, indeed, to be nobody at home. Great 'competitive edge' huh?

[dorknight25]

While there is no legitimate ruling for overly long eyebrows, as stipulated in the updated "International Rules and Guidelines for the International Stareathon" There does exist an unspoken rule amongst the more dedicated followers of the true art of the sport which can avoid such unecesarry shenanigans. However some less sportsmanlike players are quick to use eyebrow length in any means to achieve a win, check out the underground "Dare to Stare" DVD, quite brutal and to be honest, upsetting.

[SteffanLlwyd]

Drug abuse is staring us in the face here.

[FullersLondonPride]

I was the man who Benny Kiang hit at the petrol station.....

[mrjanyeo]

Well you need very big knockers for that John.......loves it

This is possibly the best parody I have ever seen of anything, spot on and really brought staring into the British consciousness.

[allblue3]

I actually met Sid Harta in India back in the 90s. As you know, he has now retired from competitive staring and travels round on an elephant that he has trained to stare with him at fairs and religious festivals. He was such a great bloke - some of his backstage stories were amazing - and he even let me stare with him for five minutes - although I had to keep my sunglasses on obviously! lol! One of the greatest days of my life! Unfortunately the photos never came out for some reason.

[OutrunTheWolf]

LOL brilliant

[SteffanLlwyd]

You stared with Harta?! How many can make a claim like that these days? I admit to feeling jealous.

[liquidfreak]

Those stray eyelashes will send anyone off

[GigglesClifton9]

I'd be interested to hear others' opinions on the decision to introduce Hawkeye in time for the 2012 Tipperton Challenge Cup in Helsinki?

Of course there are some that argue that this will totally change the nature and spirit of the game, and not for the best.

It is obvously intended to catch out speed-blinkers like the 1984 indoor doubles champ Chavers 'Hummingbird' Tavers, who had a bpm rate of over 30,000, unmatched to this day.

[Reluctant5]

To be honest I am a traditionalist and I worry about Hawekeye in staring. I think all it will do is slow the game down.

That said, I cant wait for Helsinki. Looks like I have got a couple of corporate tickets for the semis and the final. Get in!

[FullersLondonPride]

Ted 'The Head' Stead is a fucking legend

[23Tinky08]

Coming from Chesterfield I'm sorry to say that these days, Leonard Hulz can regularly be seen propping up bars all round town challenging all-comers to stare him out for a drink. He was spotted last week in the Crooked Spire graveyard with a carrier bag full of cheap cider staring out a memorial statue - tragic. If only the governing body would plough some of the gate receipts into taking care of the games young stars.

[GigglesClifton9]

Benny Kiang's performance was disappointing for me in this encounter, but of course he's not on his natural surface here. Everybody know's he's a clay court player.

[barrybas]

Poor form blaming the table surface, but rather typical of Hulz who's famous for being a bit of a whinger back in Germany.

Next he'll be saying he's a right-eyed starer when he drops a clanger with his left.

[barrybas]

Kiang even. Christ, all this stare-out training of my own is taking its toll.

[sweetappletits]

lools the german has sum creepy eyes..and props to the panda!!! LMAO :DX

[sweetappletits]

these guys r great! i love staring contests lols..i wnt the dude with the grey suit to win..ROFL :D x

[talatsmum]

he who stares WINS

[Rizla300]

Wait a minute Baraybas you mean THE Bishop Seyton? One time sei-fonalist in 1988? Wasn't their controversy about him because they found out he had a glass eye! He was stripped of all his domestic titles..

[SteffanLlwyd]

Glass eye?! A disgrace to his country, his sport and himself. Does that mean a life time ban, or have the authorities gone soft on "poppin' glass"?

[SteffanLlwyd]

'Lottery Funding means Eynesford's got the World's first "Deep Brick X-Trance Visualiser System". It's a bit technical, Brian; but the basics involve seeing an AP (Apparent Brick) 7 metres behind where the AB (Actual Brick) is. The AB is at the standard Stareathon eye-to-eye competition distance of 1.625 meters. But because it looks further away, tranees can "glaze the gaze", with all the obvious advantages which this confers on them.' '"Confers" Gary?'

[oejwells]

I recently heard a rumour that Leonard Hultz is being lined up to join Roger Federer, Thierry Henry and Tiger Woods in the gillette adverts, I was a little surprised at first that they didnt go for a more established player but I suppose they see him as the future of the game and are possibly going for that younger market.

[vastariner]

They could hardly go with Nanak, could they?

[barrybas]

Thank god the dark days of stare out hooliganism are over. In the 80s my hometown was besieged by rampant hooligans just using this wondering sport as an excuse to have a ruck with some opposition fans. The monks who followed Bishop Seyton of Northampton were complete animals if I remember correctly...

[Reluctant5]

Youre not wrong barrybas. It was a dark period for the sport we know and love. In Leeds we had the Iris Crew who followed Dave 'Boy' Boyden. They were very intimidating. They were some disgraceful scenes in the 1983 European Championship in Gothenburg when Boyden played local boy Lars Edqvis in the semis.

[FFFUUUCCCKKKEEEDDD]

Reluctant u really know your staring stats you along with myself must have grown up watching those great matches during the late 70s early 80s when the game was dominated by the eastern block countries with the unforgetable voice of Raymond Sledges. The game is kinda still dominated by the eastern block but now its just the one man living legend staring machine that is Spatsky what an ambassador for the game .Lets not forget he was only 32 at the 43rd WSC and has gone on to dominate ever since

[zizou998]

I think staring in this country has still not recovered from the teachers strike in the 80's. P.E. teachers would give up their own time after school to coach the kids but that goodwill was lost by the government of the time and we are still suffering the consequences. Just not enough kids taking the game up for me.

[red1964]

What can you expect when kids have access to Virtua Stareout 4 and the like on the Xbox? Children nowadays would rather play the simulation than go face to face with a friend in real life like I did.

As a stareout umpire of some standing I find it depressing that the UK, once pre-eminent in the sport, has dropped so low in world rankings. I doubt that we will ever recover.

[oldfashionedman]

I understand you point, I think this is why we are seeing so many more top starers from the Eastern bloc where video games are less accessable, however, who is to say that in years to come Virtua Stareout 4 won't inspire youngsters to take up staring for real?

[scaresdale]

oldfashionedman- your dead right we need more grassroots starers coming through the ranks before the national staring game goes to pot.

And we need to clamp down on eye drops theres no room for drugs in staring (its not cycling)

[red1964]

That's a very valid point, however have you seen the paper that came out of UCL recently suggesting that screen flicker affects staring ability in the under-fives? Worrying news for the developed world's young would-be starers.

[mimkyodar]

@red1964 I will say that having seeing the new Stareout 2012, the quality of the simulation is almost realistic, the problem is that there still is an uncanny valley situation going on. The games are all well and good, but no contest for the real thing.

[starrynightuk]

are you sure about that? I'm pretty sure the dvd has laughter on.

[starrynightuk]

I think I agree with you. The next step should be optional laugh tracks on dvds so people who need to be told can know when to laugh!

[prophetezekiel]

it did have a laugh track

[SteffanLlwyd]

The 'mirror method' can be improved. I picked up a tip from a freaky pratitioner on the Surrey Pub Stareathon Circuit: 'Try staring in the mirror when you're really pissed. It is hard, I mean REAL hard to accomplish. That's my secret... nine pints of 'Young's Ordinary' then a seven hour practice stare in the Gents at The Hand and Spear, Weybridge. It's a soul-searching experience to look into your own eyes when rat-arsed. Seeing into your OWN Heart of Darkness improved my game no end.

[CharitableView]

Great to see that kind of enthusiasm for staring. I try to persuade my kids to stare, but they're more interested in football. Football can never match the purity of staring. I used to stare at college and I still adore staring.

[SteffanLlwyd]

Oops, I meant to write 'practitioner' not 'pratitioner'. To suggest he was a prat would be a terrible slurr on his good character.

You got me thinking about whether the FA Code and the Stareathon Code could be harmonised.

The problem of who looks at whether the coin is heads or tails (at kickstare-off) could be solved by asking the ref to take a look. But how does Player A kick the ball while maintaining eye-contact with Player B. And who sees where the ball went? Any thoughts, Lee?

[SteffanLlwyd]

Make it a crowd participation game. The field is divided into a grid with ABCDEF etc along the By-Line and 123456 etc along the Touch Line. The Arsenal crowd shouts to their players if the ball comes near, so each can do his best to boot it while 'maintaining stare' with his/her 'marked player'. Likewise Chelsea fans and THEIR players. Goalies have to see out of the corner of their eyes. Much yelling; great atmospher. Most helpful crowd leads their team to victory by accurate ball spotting.

[CharitableView]

People get caught up in the excitement of watching the finals, but to my mind watching the early rounds is equally as good. Some of the finest matches have taken place in the early

stages. Shame about the unprofessionalism of the commentators here. An insult to Benny Kyang in particular.

[Reluctant5]

Dont lose any sleep over Kyang, CV. I met him once at a charity stare match at the Queens Hotel in Leeds. He was awful. Giving it 'the big I am' to all the stare groupies and press. He made a right dick of himself.

Agree about the early rounds. I watched a first round womens match last week in Sweden that really made my holiday. The staring wasnt that great (clumsy at times etc) but they both had fabulous tits.

[CharitableView]

I read the stories about Kyang in the tabloids. There's too much money in the game these days. A young starer like Kyang hasn't even learned his trade - now he's on £200,000 a week and paid £5 million for his famous ads for Specsavers. His staring head is bound to be turned.

[johngferguson]

i think it's actually british laughter

[Tommyfazz]

Ted 'the head' Stead

[foxismuk]

I was very fortunate to attend a seminar fronted by Roman Solowska last month, and he offered some superb advice. As a result, I got to the semi-final of the West Midlands Amateur Trophy, going down to Andy Goodweather after 57.3 minutes (though I did get 2 penalty points, so I was always chasing the game).

That was my best performance to date, so if you get the cance to attend "Staring - Solowska Style", do go along to that. Worth it.

[Tommyfazz]

that IS funny.............tommy

[SteffanLlwyd]

Of course there is much discussion behind the scenes as to whether penalties are an anachronism in todays' game. There's a view in certain quarters that Stareathon's status as a 'non-contact' sport should be changed to allow lapel grips and other moves including rib-tickling. This would return the game closer to its 16th century origins.

[funkskunk45]

ted "the head" stead hahahaha funny az fcuk

[kerrayz]

Fantastic : shame about the addition of American canned laughter. I t really doesn't need it.

[starrynightuk]

it is indeed British canned laughter

[asiai9019]

In all of their sketches, this is on of thos very,very,very funny ones.

[FullersLondonPride]

Where can you get a Ted 'The Head' Stead, T-shirt? There's got to be a huge market for them.

[rawalan]

Ted'The Head'Stead, classic (esp. the laughing)...

[eclecticman]

i have to admit that i tried staring at an amature level and it didn't happen for me, i bottled it after about 2 hours. very disappointing.

[SteffanLlwyd]

Hey, don't be too discouraged. 2 hours is a fair Entry Level result. Toots Donovan only made 92.43721213 minutes in her first serious contest and NOW look at how far she's come in the Women's Game. She's Britain's best hope in European Cup Doubles- Streathon (with a checker-board background handicap of a mere 144 vibro-squares!)

[SixEightySeven]

It's the World Stare-Out Championships, not 'staring', get it right!

[UpTheShakers]

It's not as easy as it looks Simon. The well executed subtle nuances, even at County level, can make or break the entire match. Look at Salowka at 53 seconds and also at Ted Stead trying the same thing at 3.44.

Of course, street staring is where most people start.  It's altogether more dangerous too. I got into Staring proper after a Saturday night encounter in the kebab shop with a burley fellow who misunderstood me.

[Simon0]

I'd be good at this. I am pretty good at sitting there doing nothing.

[SteffanLlwyd]

This is not 'doing nothing' Simon. Stareathon demands hours and hours of unflinching practice. The key is to create IVLs (Interior Visual Landscapes).  That's tough. Real tough. My first IVL took me 36 hours to create. Now I can 'model' Radcliffe Power Station Cooling Towers in 3 seconds flat. That's what I see. Not my competitor's eyes. My other IVL is Waterloo Sunset. I'm working on a Golden Gate these days too. This is inside dope which I really shouldn't be explaining to you.

[Reluctant5]

Brave move, Steffan. Giving someone you dont know your IVLs!! What were you thinking? Its staring suicide. Next time you have a league match those Golden Gates may just come crashing down now your IVL is known!

I remember when Ted 'The Head' Stead revealed on Letterman that his IVL was The Regent Palace in Lima, Peru. The next game he had the young guy Hulse took the palace apart brick by brick.

[SteffanLlwyd]

Hey Reluctant, it's pushing-the-envelope a bit, but if you detect the Other Guy's IVL, you can 'psycho-project' moving objects onto it. For example, suppose your contestant has the look of watching a Golden Gate, all you do is place a flock of seagulls Front and Centre. Seagulls are never going to stay still and (ha ha) you'll soon see his eyeballs start to 'follow' those gulls around HIS IVL. That's a Rule 1 Violation and he's OUT. Cruel, but hilarious. All's fair in love and stareathon!

[vastariner]

It's a little-known fact that Roman Solowka was the uncle of the Wedding Present's original guitarist.

[Reluctant5]

I had heard that somewhere. Apparently in their lyrics they occasionally pay homage to him. "I cant even remember the colour of her eyes" (Million Miles), "too much apple pie" (Kennedy). Apple pie being Leeds rhymning slang for eyes.

[vastariner]

It's more evident in the lyrics to Katrusya, on their Peel Session. A heartrending ballad about a woman who insisted her man choose between stare-out and her. The problem comes at the end, when she asks him to look into her eyes and tell her that he loves her, and he stares her to death.

[Reluctant5]

Indeed. Only Gedge can make that magic happen.

[SteffanLlwyd]

Such a sad story about being stared to death by a loved one. Tragic. Just like Rock and Roll, Stareathon has claimed some very young lives, snatched from us before their time. It's said that the lovers may have taken a bit of 'chemical assist' by loading up on Night Nurse, forgetting that they were drinking Night Nurse MAX. That stuff can leave you fast asleep with your eyes wide OPEN. Are they SURE the woman died? Just 'cos you stare without blinking don't mean that you've passed on...

[UpTheShakers]

Great to see Leonard Hulz and DD the Panda in action again. I once wrote to him via his fan club, told him that I had bought an identical panda and named it 'Stare Bear'. I didn't expect a reply but Leonard's dad sent me an e-mail! How cool is that! He said

"Dear Malcolm,

Len says it's a bear-illiant name!

Yours in Christ,

Martin Hulz".

[Reluctant5]

But Hulz is Jewish! Its either a fake or your making it up.

[UpTheShakers]

No he isn't! He's from that well known Jewish community in Chesterfield, is he? Todot Strottengeimer is the only Jew in the game that I can name off the top of my head.

Don't call me liar. I will forward Martin's e-mail to you, you can see for yourself. And no, it isn't a fake either.

[principools]

I was always of the opinion that Hulz was a jew, now I know he isn't I wish I had paid him more attention on the circuit

[tonysuffolk]

Staring changed my life. When I came out of prison, life held little hope for me. Then at the day centre I picked up a leaflet about the 100 greatest Staring Legends. I was hooked. Two years later and I now stare for South West Region intermediate, Not bad for a might have been looser! My only nightmare is the increasing use of drugs in this noble sport. Why oh why can we not keep it clean.....if only for the kids.

[Reluctant5]

Inspiring to read your post. Staring has clearly touched so many lives. Spatsky himself wasnt always the disciplined master that we see today. His early career was blighted by rumours of drug taking, street fights and sex with pavements.

I play for Yorkshire and Humberside. We have a match against your mob in the summer Tony! I will make myself known to you. I am tall, dark hair and a glass eye (which isnt cheating according to the World Staring Federation before you start!)

[principools]

It was very much considered cheating in the late 80's, I remember two pumped up russians in the ladies quarter finals of '88 were airlifted out of the tournament after a fist fight with the dutch champion over the use of glass eye's, I think it was then that the federation felt a ruling was required, and that ruling came in during the euro qualifiers of '92, but its still not staring in my book, a "solid pair" is always required at club level in my area.

[Reluctant5]

Thats a terrible attitude to take. What about the disableds? Youll be taking staring away from the blind community next!

[UpTheShakers]

tonysuffolk is an inspiration to us all. Thank you for sharing that with us tony. It takes guts to announce to complete strangers that you have done time.

What was it? Kids?

[tonysuffolk]

Hey Mate! It's so good being accepted into what is, let's face it, one of the most conservative sports, and not feel ashamed to admit having spent a few formative years at Her Majesties Pleasure.

Good on you for the lift you gave me!

Yes, it was "Kids". Could have been worse. The Judge was sympathetic. Apparently, there was later some scandal with him caught in an under-age stareout. He was using the old "hole in the fence" training method.

[principools]

I never said that, and I shall refute such allegations until I die.

I think you are getting confused with the disable version of the sport called "stareaplegics" which allows for any disability to be able to stare, not least the blind are very well catered for with brail staring, its akin to touch wrestling but the contenders have to stay perfectly still. not staring in its truest form but it allows for an equal playing field for the disabled sports person to perform on.

[Reluctant5]

Ok, I take it back. However we need to be careful that by offering stareaplegics as some kind of alternative to mainstream staring we are not enforcing a ghetto culture, whereby the disableds are not allowed to participate with the able-eyed.

[SteffanLlwyd]

The Question of Sport is 'Should the Stareaplegic Stareathon Record (which I needn't remind you of here) be treated as the Official World Best? Just as soon as the visually impared find they have a natural advantage in something, then Ordinarily Able go right ahead and take it all away from them! Robbed of sight and then robbed of Stareaplegics AS WELL. I just don't see any justice in THAT.

[marcusmuck]

I couldn't tear my eyes away- I was glued!

[zaraski]

how can you call this the full version when you havent included the streaker episode????

redo it with that included!!

[BillDFC]

I have competed at disabled staring competitions since 1999 when I lost my sight.

[BillDFC]

I admire the sheer quality of the competitors

[MickeyLove01]

This surreal comedy at it's best.  Hilarious.

[OnionHead90]

I think giving television rights for this sport to BBC is a bad move...

They don't do much in terms of build up to the big matches.

I really think Sky should ge this season's rights.

[barrybas]

you couldn't be more wrong onionhead90

the sport needs to be on terrestrial tv otherwise how will it get through to the masses and enthuse the next generation of starers? the live big matches on the beeb draw millions whilst setanta and sky struggle to get up to 5 figures.

murdoch can go pogo on the stare out trophy for all I care!

[Atheneastro]

@barrybas Which one? Rupert Murdoch, David Murdoch, Anna Murdoch (the woman who made the cake mentioned in one of the sketches), or Phil Cornwell (David the Commentator), who would go on to VOICE a character named Murdoc (different spelling)?

[barrybas]

@Atheneastro

Rupert Murdoch gets the first go, though Colin Murdoch, ex Preston and Hibernian centre-half and Stuart Murdoch, lead singer of Belle & Sebastian are also more than welcome to join in when he's finished