SMBC Theater - Cosmotopian

[CrazyKillerPacifist]

Reading the real cosmo sex tips is just about as funny... and eerily similar.

[Kogerii]

Why is she so orange?

[hapom89]

"35 ways to love your body by physically altering it." GOLD.

[Dichromaru]

@hapom89

400 ways*

[HopeBforJC]

I touch my man on the penis all the time and he acts like a woman like "no...I gotta headache" crap. :P

[Shrededwings]

ah HA! so THIS is where it is from, not the james bond one or the mad scientist... but those are still awesome

[oceanhell2]

Fuckingham Phallus?

[Tsukasamacleod]

Yo dawg, I heard you liked touching him on the penis. So we gave you two hands so you can touch him on the penis while you touch him on the penis.

[Mr500sheetsofpaper]

Take an arrow to the knee, touch him on the penis. The Skyrim job.

[shuudaboiiz]

1:48 The formula to getting the top liked comment on this video

[rinbosha]

It's a good thing Cosmo etc are comedy in real life. This is good satire.

[unofficialdear]

lol buckingham phallus

[MrNHL14]

49 people got touched on the penis

[MrJasonXR]

lol, I have seen the "tanning bed" lady last week on a porn vid :D

[AMagicalHoers]

The torturer: Cover hands in BenGay, touch him on the penis.

[anom4lie]

the dragonborn: I used to touch him on the penis, but then I took an arrow to the knee.

[ieatpilli]

3:02, you can see the camera crew in the closing door lol

[frankvonfrauner]

Terrible fake writing @1:22

[jek21]

Betsy is a BABE

[camdentayler]

The Double-Tap: touch him on the penis, and then... touch him on the penis.

[pce789]

"Penis" was said 19 times during this video for an average of once every 10.9 seconds.

[GaEv4]

@pce789 did you count?

[pce789]

@GaEv4 But of course!

[ItsTheSecretAsian]

The historical episode...

[16Nire61]

"Buckingham Phallus." I lol'd tremendously. XD

[alphamalefilms]

This is the video I lost my smbc virginity to.

[GermanConquistador08]

Does anyone else actually LIKE the medieval princess idea?

[sydney327]

@GermanConquistador08 Too hard to undress

[trazac]

@GermanConquistador08 Dress up like a Medieval Princess and touch him on the penis? I like that idea a lot.

[TheArrpeegee]

@GermanConquistador08 I like that idea. I like that idea a lot. Those dresses man.

[XCal]

Is there anyone else who gets

Sumitomo Mitsui Banking Corporation

Sydney Missionary & Bible College

Stockport Metropolitan Borough Council

Santa Monica Beach Club

Shadow Mountain Baptist Church

Sheffield Muscle & Bodybuilding Clubs

Are actually all covers for one single corporation aimed at spreading the touch him on the penis meme.

[Warkid1993]

talking head.

[rmeddy1]

Was Phil Eavesdropping?

[DrDrolomehet]

Biggest penis is best penis

[capnscumbone]

@DrDrolomehet

unless it's black. single motherhood is rough.

[fannymcslap]

3:02 Production team!



[Gamaliel87]

"Usually he'll take my hand, and then have me touch his OH MY GOD."

[fade1283]

hahahahahahahahaha

[Pizzachu1]

Biggest penis is best penis.

[edstirling]

The OJ: pretend the broken condom doesn't fit, accept it as evidence that he's not the father, touch him on the penis.

[HomunculusProject]

"I guess they don't TEACH sex at college anymore." Best line ever.

[BillAbendroth]

"Dressing up like Queen Victoria....and then touching him on the penis..."--that's more than a little disturbing.

[ver133t]

Touch him on the penis, THEN touch him on the penis!

[matsmoob]

Say something random, then touch him on the penis. NO WAIT! Say nothing, no words, THEN touch him on the penis!!!

These girls are SO on the money!

[Xaklyth]

Dress up like a hobbit, then touch him on the penis

-The Dildo Baggins

[jmsantander1]

The Porno-Scanner: get a job at an airport as a TSA officer, then touch him on the penis. 

[leeroyjenks]

@jmsantander1 This made me rofl, thank you.

[nonsensicalcompound]

"Dress up as a medieval princess and make him king for a day."

If she's the princess, would that make him her father?

[Cernoise]

There should be a 'touch her on the clitoris' equivalent; it could be very educational.

[maritimetimes]

it's funny cause it will work. dear god touch him on the penis girls

[TheCommanderFluffy]

Touch him on the penis, then touch him on the penis.

I call it two hand touch.

[astrotoadp6]

rofl at the end joke.

[dutrareis]

do anything beside touching penises, touch him on the penis.

[youtubinator9]

LOL Buckingham Phallus



[daeksnail]

42 people didn't touch him on the penis

[sylkates]

Basically, the redhead is how every teenage girl sees love/sex.

[secretmanofagent]

All roads lead to Penis.

[astrotoadp6]

@secretmanofagent & out of Cumtown. (a cookie if you get the reference)

[DanThePropMan]

This is hilarious! It combines my two favourite forms of humour: puns and dick jokes! Brilliant!

[iShexie]

How can anybody dislike this episode?

[ScotticusVonGalt]

I just realized it's not Cosmopolitan. It's Cosmo-topian. Realize typo, touch him on the penis. Spell pecker. Amidoinitrite?

[cats4gold]

@ScotticusVonGalt That's not a typo.

[krispern]

videocrew at 3:01 :)

[1pk1]

Touch him on the penis, touch him on the penis.

BRILLIANT!!!! Why hadn't we thought of this before?!?!? PRINT MONKEY SLAVES, PRINT!

[YNot1989]

Remember ladies, the second we have an orgasm button, we won't need you anymore.

[ferlessleedr]

One: Cut a hole in a box. Two: put your junk in that box. Three: make her open the box. Four: she touches you on the penis.

[PanAndScanBuddy]

@ferlessleedr Graced With His Presents

[CyberlekVox]

Go to the apple store and touch him on the penis.

-itouched him on the penis

[luminadarquesse]

3:02 reflections!

[MotusG1]

BUCKINGHAM PHALLACE

[treehugger1156]

@MotusG1 FUCKINGHAM PHALLACE

[PanAndScanBuddy]

@MotusG1 Phallus. As in, penis.

[neomp5]

1:31 yes there is

[Armonis]

And now I understand all of the comments on the SMBC channel.

[DrDrolomehet]

@Armonis I WAS JUST ABOUT TO COMMENT ON THE LAST PENIS I WATCHED BUT NOW I CAN JUST TOUCH HIM ON THE PENIS.

[Chucktanium]

Marry a semi-successful webcomic writer

Touch him on the penis.

[PanAndScanBuddy]

@Chucktanium Zach His Weiner

[TheUrbanWolf13]

Nigga that's my hammer

[BoxRadishScissors]

Dick Feynman: Add up the probability amplitudes of the infinite number of ways that you could touch him on the penis, calculate which path is most likely, then touch him on the penis.

[PanAndScanBuddy]

Have you heard my new hit single, Buckingham Phallus? It's perfect music for when you wanna touch him on the penis.

[ThePancakejesus]

39 people have never been touched on the penis.

[AssholePatrol]

3:17

best face ever

[Cheespuffs45]

How come this video doesn't even have close to the most views of smbctheater yet its jokes are in every single video??

[22magicman]

Co sa azy...on the penis?

[koipen]

At 0.15 the sound breaks echoing.

[EdMDiv]

"400 ways to love your body by altering it." A classic line that does not get enough credit in this video.

[AssholePatrol]

@EdMDiv

Alter your body, touch him on the penis.

[korisx]

@AssholePatrol metamorph penis!

[Utterbach]

Watch Youtube video, Touch him on the penis?

[armegeddis]

Come up with a sex tip, touch him on the penis?

[BenjaminGlatt]

"Much Ado About Penis."

Truly poetry.

[hinataandnaruto4evr]

BUCKINGHAM PHALLUS!

[RushFugu]

Go to Disney Land and touch him on the penis. - Dickey Mouse

Go to Disney Land and touch him on the penis with the left hand. - Goofy

See what I did there?

[SoulStatement]

five senses???

I only have one...

on my penis ; )

[NOB849]

The root of all evil...

[korisx]

@NOB849 Is that where you drill a hole in an ATM (Cash Machine), so when someone does a withdrawal you flop out your penis and they touch it?

[NOB849]

@korisx Oh you cliche! 

[korisx]

@NOB849 lol.

[DeafDumbAndBlindKid1]

Double dip - Touch him on the penis, then touch him on the penis again!

[Jojeezful]

Oh, so this is video where those comments come from. lol

[SAlpsu]

Make annoying comments on everyone of SMBC theater's videos and touch on the penis - We'll call it the "Everyone who watched this video"

[korisx]

@SAlpsu No I'd call it the Repetitive Line dickdrome.

[bobbyjoe882]

Solve a murder, write a book about it, then touch him on the penis.

- Dick Castle.

[Birkirrey]

Touch him on the penis

[silentfunkies]

cut a hole in a bowl, then put his penis in it, then fill it with Cheerios and milk, then reach in and touch him on the penis

-Saturday Morning Breakfast Penis

[subbie333]

You and your boyfriend from Hartford (who plays baseball in New York) sneak into the workplace of your cousin Joe Camelot (a justice of the peace with delusions of grandeur) and you touch him on the penis

- a Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court

[subbie333]

Standing over him while he is lying on the hearth and wearing a ball cap, you touch him on the penis

- Dickey Mantle

[subbie333]

He tells you that the new neighbors have a pet iguana, but, you tell him that they are harmless aliens just visiting, and, you touch him on the penis

- Dickie V

[subbie333]

Your midget boyfriend sings "It's A Small World" while you touch him on the penis

- Dickey Mouse

[subbie333]

He tells you that he didn't get your BFF pregnant cus all she did was touch him on the penis - Immaculate Conception

[subbie333]

Tell him that because you are a virgin that the only thing you will do is touch him on the penis and nothing else

- Dick Butkus

[subbie333]

Use voice-to-text software to write emails while you touch him on the penis

- dictation

[subbie333]

Find a male virgin, get naked, put shrubbery twigs in your lap, tell him that you love being his first lady, and, touch him on the penis

- Barbara Bush

[subbie333]

Tell him lies and touch him on the penis until it grows

- Pinocchio

[subbie333]

Cover his body in brine and parsley, and, touch him on the penis

- dill pickle

[subbie333]

Get a guy dressed in lingerie to show you how to touch him on the penis

- TV Guide

[subbie333]

Hire Sarah Palin and John McCain to touch him on the penis

- Phallus Mavericks

[subbie333]

Get your BFF Deborah to touch him on the penis

- Debbie Does Phallus

[subbie333]

Put "Brokeback Mountain" into the DVD player and touch him on the penis

- Phallus Cowboys

[subbie333]

Put WWE pay-per-view on the TV for 9 1/2 Weeks, and, touch him on the penis

- Dickey Rourke

[subbie333]

Get twins wizards named Mary-Kate and Ashley to touch him on the penis

- Merlin Olsen

[subbie333]

Put on a ball cap, get a stick, and, touch him on the penis

- Batman

[subbie333]

Put on some disco music, dance around the room while swinging a garden hose, and, touch him on the penis

- tube snake boogie

[subbie333]

Get your TV remote control and very quickly touch him on the penis

- quick dick click

[subbie333]

Do 5-point restraint with chains and touch him on the penis

- Dick Cheney

[subbie333]

On Election Day tie him up spread eagle on the bed so that he can't vote and touch him on the penis

- electile dysfunction

[subbie333]

Take him to see the Rockettes, sit in the front row, unzip his pants, expose his penis to the dancers, touch him on the penis

- Showgirls

[subbie333]

Touch him on the penis, touch him on the penis, touch him on the penis, touch him on the penis, touch him on the penis, touch him on the penis, touch him on the penis, touch him on the penis, touch him on the penis, touch him on the penis, touch him on the penis, touch him on the penis, touch him on the penis, touch him on the penis, touch him on the penis, touch him on the penis

- Grabhog Daze ( the XXX-rated version of Groundhog Day)

[subbie333]

Take a soccer ball and touch him on the penis

- bend it like Beckham

[subbie333]

Get out your magic wand, touch on the penis, then write about it

- the Princess Diaries

[Fayanora]

BUCKINGHAM PHALLUS!!! :-D

[francoferret]

Make a joke, touch him on the p...... Oh wait-WTF, you have no penis! Justin Beiber?

[Exarian]

Touch him on the penis, then touch him on the penis.

double fap

[JLynxton]

Make him a sandwich, touch him on the penis.

Mystery Meat.

[bufar]

Make a lame pun, touch him on the penis.

Punis

[NaziJesus]

touch him in the penis with one hand then touch him the penis with the other hand. the x-zibit

[babylonian]

this is the only good smbc theater

[Wergoheb]

36 people don't know what humor is.

[Pixilatedangel]

lmao I could see everyone in the background at 3:00

[Inyl0Chilar]

Watch a scary movie with him, and then at the scary part, touch him on the penis.

SCARED STIFF

[Tuen9]

Strangers in the Night: Find a random guy at a night club. Touch him on the penis.

[DeathBright]

Get saved by a freedom fighter from the future, then touch him on the penis.

The John Conner aka the Cyberdyne Systems Model P3N1S

[FOXGEAR92]

The boss looks very sunburnt.

[Jadrie1]

walk in on him playing video games, then touch him on the penis while he plays said game. - THE JOYSTICK

[Invariel]

Force feedback: When he's playing Call of Duty, touch him on the penis.

[DaishiVI]

Touch him on the penis? ... /Touch him on the penis/: DOUBLE TAP.

[ICantBelieveItsNotBS]

BUCKINGHAM PHALLUS!! LOVE IT!!

[shirkersama]

Put on a top hat - touch him on the penis.

Phallus in Wonderland

[shinew123]

Dress up as Hillary Clinton and touch him on the penis.

Getting revenge.

[princedepressia]

Make him beg you for an hour to touch his penis, then touch him on his penis.

Mind fuck.

[somercet1]

Months later, and this is still the funniest. The editor nails the "My Girl Friday" rapid fire delivery. Golden.

[gaspingduck]

3:01 crew on the door

[v1rtualguy]

...and finally the light of wisdom did shine on her. XD

[grayman404]

WOW!.........those were all solid GOLD Ideas...except that lick the honey off the neck thing...That's just creepy.

[MalliganTheUFO]

This is funny because its exactly how the girl mags work!

[windowmaker525]

Phallus Cowboys - Wear a Cowboys jersey, touch him on the penis

[BenBasgall]

and how would YOU touch him on the penis?

[SenorBougliani]

at 3:02, you can see the camera crew reflected in the glass door

[cheerdaddy666]

kelly... u rock...

[mineofGod]

33 men need to get touched on the penis.

[Necuratul]

Auhh Thank you so much!!!

[trekkiebaby]

I don't really think Cosmo is quite that bad... but this was still pretty amazing. ^^

[captainwillies69]

thumbs up for "Buckingham Phallus"

[Deadgoat]

I've never read a girly magazine but I have a sneaking suspicion that this is an amazing parody...

[CepheusStarhowl]

I would sign up to caption this shit in a heartbeat. Typing it up would be just as funny as listening to it.

[MrMichaelValentine]

Dream about touching a penis, then touch him on the penis - Inception

Print!

[CepheusStarhowl]

This is 500 times funnier when the advert next to the video is to Cosmopolitan magazine.

[VigilKilroy]

do a math problem and touch him on the penis with chopsticks: asian equation

touch him on the penis wake up touch him on the penis: deja woo

[duende29]

I wonder if Zach or James knew this was going to the most epic of their SBMC Theaters. If it went viral then we'd have a new meme.

[Zothaqqua]

Say "touch him on the penis" then touch him on the penis. The "knowing touch".

[FazaN256]

In soviet russia you touch women on the penis!

(thumbs up? :P)

[JackSpades64]

@FazaN256

You, Sir, are a genius

[TheVivvav]

@FazaN256 I think you're looking for "Penis touches woman".

[lordsmokedmeatsnfish]

touch him on the penis, touch him on the penis

TIME PARADOX

[TheVivvav]

So THIS video is where "Touch him on the penis" comes from.

i know it's funny every time somebody says "PENIS" but the punchline is actually quite pointed