Demetri Martin - If I 4 of 6

[somebody1993able]

Why are there GTA videos in the responses?

[milksteak74]

@somebody1993able If it's GTA IV it might be because there is a character in the game named Dimitri.

[PanSavvy]

I think he just stole my celebrity crush virginity, if such a thing exists.

Demetri Martin, you magnificent bastard.

[duggerboy35]

I feel like I'm getting smarter

[MystOfSkies]

@duggerboy35 Me too bro. 

[MellowSquash]

He's not a comedian, he's a genius

[Zombiepwnage117]

Comedy mixed with psychology. Well played Demitri well played...

[drummerrrpb]

This guy is a genius

[RayWilliamJansen]

Imagine If Demetri said this in a job interview, He would be the President Of The United States.

[VolcanicGoku]

How would you react if your doctor told you: "You're going to live...sort of."

[dcampb23]

black chick does not like demetri

[girlpeacenik420]

I love you Demitri, I wish you would make words with my name:)

[darkdudironaji]

HOLY FUUU** read two books in a week? I can barely read one book in two weeks. Then again, I have a kid and ADD, but still, that's hardcore

[dkozba001]

Damn, I feel useless now.

[username0909]

As a law student myself, I can honestly say, this man is way too smart for law school.  There's something quite beautiful about this story.

[darkdudironaji]

@username0909 Yeah, he'd get people off by saying something about a pencil that has nothing to do with the case...and then ride a unicycle around the court room lol

[Joeshimi]

@bedtilting That is so weird... My anus's name is Denis McGinn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[mwelliott123]

mildly amused black woman at 4:35

[bedtilting]

That is so weird... My anut's name is Denise McGinn!!!!!!!!!!!!

[livelifelovelife247]

@bedtilting ASK HER IF IT'S TRUE!!!!!!!!! XD

[BallDangle1]

Anyone else notice that same black woman thats not laughing ?

[a575981735977018]

4:15 He talked about "sort of" as something we say that "doesn't really mean anything, it's a filler", then he continues saying "you know what I mean", which is an even more meaningless filler, lol...

[Darkez982]

@a575981735977018

Well spotted!

[Ajay1143]

i named my cat after him.....

[Crazytrainrocker]

He makes me proud to be a Greek. :D

[Darkez982]

@Crazytrainrocker

Proud? Being Greek isnt a Skill... it isnt an achievement... its a genetic accident. National pride doesn't exist, the sooner you realize that, the better.

[Crazytrainrocker]

@Darkez982 Of course it exists, if I have it. I take pride in the fact that I come from Greece.

[Darkez982]

@Crazytrainrocker

It's a weird thing to be proud of, it's not like you worked your whole life to be Greek, the word pride should be reserved for something you've accomplished. eg. "We're so proud of our son, he's just graduated... oh yeah and he's Greek!"

[Crazytrainrocker]

@Darkez982 I don't want other people to be proud of me. That'd be ridiculous. But it is something I legitimately am proud of. I realize it's not really an achievement, but in 15 years, I haven't really had anything to be proud of.

[tythefrog]

@Crazytrainrocker its fine bro, i side with you. I say 'proud to be an American' not because of something i've accomplished.

[Darkez982]

@tythefrog

I suggest you watch George Carlin's bit on American pride.

[Nearsification]

He should do a ted talk.

[truebloode09]

@Nearsification this is a tedtalk lol

[dvssk8er3]

Everyone for should watch this to get their lives in perspective.

[12341029348109238092]

What the fuck is wit his pants.

[MCramez]

When it cuts to the crowd, look for the people crying, they really understand.

[AlleykatChinadoll]

If you were my Creepy Uncle Demetri and you show me things you'd mean the Whole Wide World to me!!!!!!!!!!!! *cries* on the inside

[IchigoShindo]

The guitar during the "sort of" rant was kind of touching. :)

[dreadface101]

demetri is a genius ... he is so god damn smart.

[lainyduck]

87 people are not gods



[Morpheus0000]

Thanks for posting this.

[MelleB90]

his NOSE

[cgarcia723]

@donimusic he sewed them himself for the show. He said so in one of the other "if I" videos

[ipodtouchrocks]

On of the smartest human beings i have ever seen

[arewetheryet]

NOON (can be read upside down and backwards) :o

[peterm89]

I WANT TO SLIT THIS GUYS THROAT.

[PTp1ranha]

@peterm89 That's murderous of you. Why?

[teatrulemonhead]

@peterm89

your mom wants to slit your throat

[creepweirdo123]

"when love and skill are combined expect a masterpiece"...imma say that in school one day lol

[romeoalghamdi]

Ilike the way you think

[eastcoast135]

old daniel espinoza



[L3thalShad0ws7]

@eastcoast135 not even dude. and daniel shaved his head a while back so they look even less similar

[georgelopez180]

rats live on no evil star

[Tinytim1995]

I love his humor,because it's so intellectual.also,Racecar.

[ourgreylove]

Narrating yourself... There's a mode of comedy.

[CatieIvy]

I am making an organizer like this.

[anmlsrcute]

I'm "having trouble managing my time" because I'm watching this...instead of studying for finals :)

[erinsteffens]

@anmlsrcute

Cool......go study. -_-

[AniaonFiya]

you will never be creepy or ugly demetri

[AliceValium]

Wow. I had something similar. I was going into engineering. Knew it since I was 12. But I dropped out of College to pursue art. Glad I'm not alone.

[flightofthehumblebee]

Denise Mcginn made 85 accounts to dislike this.

[Sapphire550]

I Love The Way He Thinks About The World :D

[Summer261997]

"Combine love and skill, Denise!"

Oh, god, that line killed me. :D

[nikoincroatia]

Wow, that guy is on another plane

[Consequence]

At 4:36 I was wondering, that woman on the left, she's not laughing, she's obviously not enjoying this.

No. She's crying with joy.

[45IFRAG69JAPAN79]

“I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I’m good at everything.”

[JomandTerry23]

Guys, this is a comedic monologue, not a stand up performance.

[IanCaufield]

I came here for comedy, not the meaning of life.

Well played, Martin, well played

[ganon167]

@IanCaufield Yeah, but it wasn't that deep,and extremely not funny.

[415815b]

omg i would go gay for him ... i wouldn't even think about it 0_0

[415815b]

omg i would go gay for him ... i wouldn't even think about it 0_0

[chocolateheaven882]

It had too be that fortune hahahaha

[hujipher]

UNCLE DEMITRI: COME HERE LITTLE BOY IVE UM.......I'VE GOT A COIN TRICK TO SHOW YOU

[llamallisallove]

Demetri, when are we having our babies? :)

[SumWunGye]

"When love and skill are combined, expect a masterpiece in bed!"

[doctorpeppor]

He's so lofty in his mental capacities. Where's he gonna find a girl with that kind of hyper fractal analysis and otherwise craziness? I'm not that crazy, but I'm close.

[AdamSurfsUp]

He must have ADHD and be a genius to be able to tell great jokes and play guitar at the same time. :D

[851852093114208513]

@AdamSurfsUp ADHD has nothing to do with multitasking...

[shamoopi]

84 people couldn't use sassy in a legal context

[miniDem0n]

that crowd was so bad

[kasey99yeaaa10]

I can hear my cousin's laugh in the audience. I miss him.. :(

[jkirk161]

I want to have his children...

[TheFed0ra]

Sassy!

[2017804981]

84 people are to simple to understand Demetri Martin

[ExtMat]

@2017804981 *too

[BeatleLyrics101]

@ExtMat grammar police

[LovelybutDangerous]

i just realized that if he came to my school to by a motvational speaker I would actually be motivated. Love Demetri!!

[vegedarianlovesyou]

I love him !

because he gets to just talk about everything that's on his mind.

but he makes it funny ! <3 this is what I wanna do when I grow up.

[vegedarianlovesyou]

I love him !

because he gets to just talk about everything that's on his mind.

but he makes it funny ! <3 this is what I wanna do when I grow up.

[mrlinker99]

Am i the only one who noticed that one of the law students' names was Rob.

[coolguy701]

combine love and skill Denice!!

[TheLonelyForce]

That black girl has no sense of humor.

[Donimusic]

his pants are weird, sort of

[sunblocker64]

@Donimusic If you watch all the clips from the night, he says he made them himself, which is why they definitely do look off xD

[likeWOAHchristine]

@Donimusic because he made them, lol. he mentions it in one of the sections before this

[idiot6663622]

He should do more things like this.

[spazthebeatnik]

Beautiful. Thank you.

[Mysteriousone11]

Being knowledgeable, is not the same as being smart; in fact their very unalike in every way. Having an education is; will never make you brilliant, It just means that you have the requirement(s) to make a living. As I said before your either born stupid, or your Intelligent; you all fall under the former and I am the latter. Since I am human, after all, I am no less of an idiot.

[Mysteriousone11]

Being knowledge is not the same as being smart, in fact, the are unalike in everyway, as you are either born stupid or your born brilliant, being knowledgeable is not, the same as being wise, in fact, being knowledgeable is as far from being intelligent, as Earth is from Pluto, in which case you are all the former, I am the latter. I am no less of a moron myself.

[oopsforgotmyusername]

Anyone notice how fast his guitar speeds up when he talks louder? lol

[tintinjokes]

Palindrome, emordnilap (this is my palindrome) google it and its a true word

[BrootalJuggalo]

@tintinjokes but its not a palindrome. its not the same forward and backwards. hannah, boob, go hang a salami im a lasagna hog. those are palindromes.

[sigfriedofcourse]

You're going to live..... sort of.

[lankanboy202]

Shit the hardest puzzles I make are trying to find a trapezoid of cars on the road

[AnimationHere]

I like Demetri.... Sort Of

[violastar101]

what a cutie

[XxValkyrxX]

2:00-3:50 best set up ever

[LieutenantSparkles]

why is he single?????????

[cavedavesmash]

@LieutenantSparkles How many people think on the deep level of thought that Demetri thinks at?

[XxValkyrxX]

@LieutenantSparkles Cause he has OCD and girls don't like much of that.

[UnCensoredSean]

@LieutenantSparkles most woman don't respect a man with more brain than muscle, yet they also complain about them being muscular and not smart.

[LieutenantSparkles]

@UnCensoredSean i am definitely the opposite. Love me some skinny genius men

[TheSameFourNotes]

@LieutenantSparkles His light tone of superiority I suppose.

Don't get me wrong, I love him like I love Carlin.

[iSOBigD]

@LieutenantSparkles Cause he's nerdy and likes sleeping around like most famous people?

[cacman1993]

@LieutenantSparkles cuz he thinks too much lollolol

[jcsy52504]

@LieutenantSparkles coz he got brains:)

[Kobe29261]

@LieutenantSparkles Same reason I am! Sorry t'was really funny in my head

[massive9er]

@LieutenantSparkles cause your impotent

[KingKoopa98]

@LieutenantSparkles because hes afraid of people named LieutenantSparkles ;)

[igg73]

@LieutenantSparkles a jewy weak bowl-cut mole-ridden stnadup comedian?

realy?

[munkeydude777]

@igg73 He's Greek, bro. Also, you spelled "really" and "stand-up" wrong.

[TheLilplayr7]

@igg73 hes got great hair

[SmashingPixels]

@LieutenantSparkles I take it you're one step up from CaptainSparklez.

[Lespaulplaya195]

Toy Story 2 was ok...

[Lowness07]

I want to play word of the day in my finance class.

[WiiDudeWii]

LOL as soon as i turned on text it said : "Mass killing jews in there was held in a row impressive

[Genkai]

I wish he'd come to my class and we could play word of the day!

[MIRACLEfool]

I agree with Demetri

[yomammaonastick]

id just like to point out how extremely hard it is to do an entire skit like hes doing while playing a guitar

[stickyickytoker]

@yomammaonastick and to act like he is not even playing. he is brilliant. i actually forgot he was playing a few times he was so good

[UncheckedIrony]

We should all aspire to this kind of person

[Du30ke]

@UncheckedIrony nothing would ever get done

[UncheckedIrony]

@Du30ke nothing IMPORTANT we would all survive in the woods and make crosswords with charcoal and leaves

[Du30ke]

@UncheckedIrony True

[NoahLDiamond]

Awesome people are awesome.

[acoustifried]

Dude takes mad LSD.

[Mance200]

@acoustifried I always thought he just beat himself with a book on palendromes daily and that's how he came up with his jokes. But the LSD idea seems to work better.

[Orelion]

Many of the jokes just go over the head of the audience. Demetri caters to a very certain type of demographic. Now he's widened his appeal.

He's brilliant!

[RoughshodElm]

i like demetri Martin.. think he's hilarious. But although funny and see what he's trying to do in this show I found it kind of boring

[ThumbprintTheatrics]

@RoughshodElm That's understandable. This wasn't normal for him. It's a little more "motivational speaker"-ey than his usual stuff. I still like it, though. (:

[chriscobonham]

@RoughshodElm It's definitely something you have to be in the mood to watch. I view it as more of a motivational speaker thing than a laugh-out-loud funny routine

[negmone]

This guy just grows on you, great job...IE: the black lady @ 4:38 mins never laughs like at ALL

[maybryn]

If I...

[Tokorai]

5:47 It's sad that no one got that "if I could just figure out my life" joke

[TheLemonPeals]

@Tokorai Notice how he shoots that line out without leaving a pause for laughter? I think at this point he was on a roll and wasn't expecting a laugh.

[padackles16]

as he says chinese food, guess what im shoveling into my mouth?.....yeah

[MissMarie1226]

80 people missed the like button

[shymanskij]

LOL

[eckosama]

he became the puzzle

I N C E P T I O N

[teespoon1234]

i love this guy

[Azkadelya]

"Pick up a strange baby and be like, 'What are you thinking?' " I laughed so hard I cried.

[kelofduty]

Very wise! :)

[GerardIsVeryCool]

can you believe thisguy is 37?

[NoNameLeftToTake]

@GerardIsVeryCool wow that is hard to believe. I seriously thought he was 27ish

[stickyickytoker]

@GerardIsVeryCool whaaaaaaat no way

[chickenmonkeystudios]

this may be in bad taste , but im glad he didnbome a lawyer

[chickenmonkeystudios]

@chickenmonkeystudios didnt become , srry for that my keyboard is messed up

[ameliafmerchant]

Sassy, hahah.

[kutefrog1]

I love crazy Demertri <3

[123epic123]

his jokes r so cool!

[Kent6494]

this is really good but i love how everyone thinks they're really smart for watching this

[NorrisChuckling]

@Kent6494 Nah, I just think everyone can relate to it. Everyone has that little Demetri inside of them who wants to be smarter than everyone else and does some useless thing(s) obsessively to prove to themselves that they are, in some way. Since we all know Demetri is teh aewsum, it's natural think we're special for being able to relate to him. :)

[Kent6494]

@NorrisChuckling Sure, I see what you mean

[kehnie]

one thing i love about him is how he over-analyzes things, because i do the same thing XD

[Amanda32591]

Hahahahah. He Is So Unique. His intellect along with his Humor Just Makes for Ridiculous Comedy That I, in fact, most certainly Love!

[brandonplaysguitar16]

@WendyZSinger Because he literally went to law school, but he didn't learn anything.

[Azriel1919]

this guy is the future of comedy, and thats a good thing

[mindofmyown333]

@AlexTheMegalomaniac hahahahaaa am i the only one that understands that!!! hahahahahaha

[MCRsTheBlackParade]

love the song, love Demetri, and Love intuectuallity

[hYpNoXiDe]

@MCRsTheBlackParade You love.... what?

[MCRsTheBlackParade]

@hYpNoXiDe deep thinking

[beanabadger]

Demetri's really funny, man...

[lovebabyL1]

AHAHAHAHA--- sortof

[daveyduke182]

i`ve never seen comedy like this, this guy is so cool and has taken stand up comedy to a new level....

i freakin love demitri. he's smart AND funny. it's amazing :)