Uncle Bodine's Cyber Advice

[MerlynSchutterle]

You ain't old enough fer me ta call ya uncle. When you get them real hard questions about personal matters, send them on to me, your daddy.

[shadoweyes666]

I have this girl that I like, she's a year younger than me and I think she's had her eye on me for a while now. The problem is she's a Jehovah's wittiness! What should I do?! I don't want to get all preachy with her either...(she never brings up her religion, or tries to preach to me about it. Her family is pretty easy-going and they act normal.)

[shadoweyes666]

Mwhahahahahahaha

[ftom2006]

Dear Uncle Bodine,

every time when I'm alone in office, my computer shuts down WORD and EXCEL and shows video clips. Is my PC bewitched? Should I use a Mac?

[UncleBodine]

Hallo Frank. You should use a Mac at home. If the office where you work isn't your own business, stay with Windows there. Why? Because if you goof something up, you can easily blame it on a glitch in Windows. The mystery behind videos replacing the Word and Excel documents on your computer monitor sounds user related, rather than in the realm of the unexplainable. Next time this occurs, look whose fingers are poking at the keys on your keyboard and you'll find the culprit.

LOL & 8-)

[ftom2006]

Thanks for your wise advise. Now I'll keep my eyes open to catch the perpetrator, hehe!

[ripper778]

Great Idea!!

[UncleBodine]

Thanks, ripper778!

[userfixit]

Geez Scott... what's next ?

Don't answer that !

I am thinking Rain... like when will it rain again in NE Georgia. Hmmm - not an easy question, I suppose ?

-Basement Bob

[UncleBodine]

Hello B. Bob. I'll have to forward that question over to the BodineWeather Channel. They have a monopoly on weather related questions directed at any of the Channels of Bodine Video Enterprises. LOL & 8-)

[HeavenSlut07]

Dearly Uncle Bodine,

In your experience ,how would you bring on an early labour?? I know things like hot spicy food helps but what happens when you hate spicy food!! lol :)

[UncleBodine]

Hello Nina. I would initiate an intensive regime of belly message, the consumption of several litres of Olive Oil per day, and making wonderful and sincere promises of Ice Cream through the abdominal wall. 8-)

[HeavenSlut07]

The oil i'll skip but the ice-cream i can go forth with..lol..actually thats all ive been eating..Ice-cream,Crackers and oranges.:)

[KarenEng]

Very, Very, Cool! I love this!!! :))))

[UncleBodine]

Thanks, Karen. Uncle Bodine here! 8-)

[patman2112]

This does sound great in stereo

[DieselBodine]

Thanks, patman. 8-)

[delbhoye]

Dear Uncle Bodine

Last weekend my girlfriend said I was 'immature', so I gave her a wedgie. She hasn't called since. Did I do something wrong? Should I change my deodorant?

[DieselBodine]

Hello Derek. You were showing her that you respect her opinion in a way that showed you had total trust in her belief. If you would've addressed her accusation in a mature way, she may have found you disputatious. Head over to her place with wine and some other things she likes. If she turns you away, drink the wine and celebrate her departure from your life. Someone holding a grudge may not have the light-hearted sense of humour that fits into your life. The pond has more friendly ducks.

[delbhoye]

Hey thanks Uncle DB! I'm heading over to her place right now with a Star Trek DVD and some back issues of MAD magazine. That should do it!

[DieselBodine]

Excellent, Derek! Don't forget the wine! and... shave, shower, brush your teeth, gargle and use your deodorant... some clean clothes, a friendly voice and a smile... she'll give you the green light again for the happiest Star Trek viewing this side of Romulus and for in-depth perusal of that indispensable MAD magazine. Watch the wedgies though.

[sonata1992]

Is it worth giving up my family, home and security for the person that means the most in the world to me? :)

[DieselBodine]

Hello Alex. If it's as plain as you've described it, I'd say no. If having family, home and security doesn't combine well within the scope of a relationship with another person, despite thinking the world of them, they may not be someone who appreciates your connection with those 3 things. It is a thrill to take chances in life, but some things people do when they're younger haunt them the rest of their lives. To find out if this is true, just do ill-conceived things now while you're young.

[sonata1992]

It's not that they don't appreciate my connection with them, they do. But thanks anyway.

[DieselBodine]

Hello cozmiksgirl. It's the beast within that has not been subdued by the passage of time that keeps many from acknowledging peace and its visible manifestations as acceptable or desirable. In reality, many of these people want this peace in their lives, but feel, pretend to feel, or desire to feel that they need to keep a degree of the combative spirit within themselves so that the world doesn't take advantage of them... not without a fight.

[shabdadune]

Damn it! I get the opportunity for the wisest sage of our age to give me any advice I need, and wouldn't you know it, I don't need any. My life is nearly perfect and I have no problems. Oh well, go forth Uncle Bodine and lift those in need. And thanks for your service to humanity.

[DieselBodine]

Hello shabdadune. Thanks for your fine support! 8-)

[mettanc]

hope its free.

[DieselBodine]

Hello Michael. I can't make a living this way, but it IS free.

[SqwishTV]

Hi Uncle B!

Will there ever be peace in the world? Will we ever be visited by extraterrestrials? Will I ever write a decent song that contains vocals and lyrics? Will we ever see Satan again in one of your videos? I have so many more questions to ask you. Will you ever have the time to answer them all?

[DieselBodine]

Hello Jeff. Let ''peace in the world'' begin within each one of us. If the first Aliens to visit Earth are anything like we've been for the past several Millennia, let's hope not. Yes, of course, you will write some fine songs. If you think you haven't already, get a second opinion, but always keep writing songs. The Master of Iniquity is currently out of the loop, but you never know. I just made the time to answer, albeit in brief, all of your inquisitive ponderations. 8-)

[dhaffner101]

Hey Uncle Bodine! I'll muster up some questions fer ya here real soon!

[DieselBodine]

Hello Dave. Uncle Bodine awaits. 8-)

[desertlight]

Dear Uncle Diesel,

I'm a "Pod Person" who lives in a qube, I can't afford the gas to drive home. I'm like that guy, Charlie, "the man who never returned". At night I'm rummaging through the break room garbage and washing my clothes in the toilet cisterns. And now, I get a letter from Viacom that they want money for watching YouTube when I can't sleep. So many leeches and so little time.

I can't remember where I came from, maybe I AM a Pod Person? I'm crying Uncle Diesel here, help!!

[DieselBodine]

Hello Laurence. We can always think how others have it worse off than ourselves, which as a comparison may help to lift our spirits about our own plight in this thing called Life. Some people have no break room garbage to rummage through, no toilet cistern to wash their clothes in, and no computer to access YouTube. Look for the smiling faces and return a smile. Even a Pod Person is still a viable Human Being.

[desertlight]

OK, you're right Uncle Diesel. I'm drying my tears right now on some old wadded up reports. You've made me feel so good that I'm going to wheel some desk chairs together and take a nap. You reminded me that Aunt Scarlet once said in reply to Uncle Rhett when he said he was so poor that he had to get the family's water from a creek with a bucket - "You had a bucket???" I have a toilet cistern, how blessed am I!

[DieselBodine]

Hello Laurence. May ''Toilet Cisterns of Good Fortune'' bring you happiness all the days of your life. 8-)

[la1880]

haha uncle Bodine - Will you be our Agony uncle for CDmagz?? that is my question!!!

Love you mega heaps

Natasha

xxxxxxxxxx

[DieselBodine]

Hello Natasha. This is a test of ''The Agony Uncle Emergency Broadcast System and Combination Bodine Advice Column.'' An Equal Opportunity Purveyor. LOL & 8-)

[Twirretwarre]

Wow, uncle Bodine, now I know where I can go with my questions! :-) Only the feeling is good already, that gives comfort. Just looking at your open and gentle face, answers (almost) my questions... yes, I really trust (when I see you sleep! hihihihi)

Roeleke, who is so relieved now! sigh sigh! :-)

[DieselBodine]

Hello Roeleke. Thanks for your support. If you ever have a question... need some advice... or just want to hang out... you know where to go... come on over to Uncle Bodines. 8-)

[Loreleila]

Dear Uncle Bodine, why does so much of humanity see the rest of humanity as an enemy?

I was expecting horns to appear on your head at the end there. :P

[DieselBodine]

Hello Cathy. Humanity is in competition with itself. People want to believe that their way is superior to another's way. This leads to disassociation, hurt feelings, insults, antagonism, violence, war, and death. Since no one way of thinking is going to be acceptable to all of Humanity, the divisional elements will continue to jockey for supremacy in the Human Pecking Order, and the feelings of the contestants in this Global Game will remain in various degrees of hostility. No horns.

[Loreleila]

Thank you Uncle Bodine. Unfortunately true words. I do wish humanity would grow up.

[CozmikzenArchives]

i have a friend...yea, a friend...and...and, it burns when he pees. what should i do? i mean,...what should i tell him?

[DieselBodine]

Hello Coz. If you're burning because you've been trying to extinguish a fire with your hose, then it serves you right for getting too close to the flames... what could you be thinking? Otherwise, if this is not the case, you need to go to the Doctor now! From ''Urinary Tract Infection'' to ''Venereal Disease,'' and lots of other sickening diseases... burning while whizzing is like a symptom that is being friendly to you. It's telling you to go get help ASAP. I hope you will. Best of luck!

[Rhonda9]

I have a couple of neighbors who never say hello unless they want something and then they act as if we are best of friends. What should I do about this?

[DieselBodine]

Hello Rhonda. I would toss Limburger Cheese all around the vicinity of the access doors to their house, a little dog poop in front of their car's tires that they'll run over and get in their tires' treads, and play obnoxious Opera muzak outside on a tinny sounding boombox whenever their outside. If this doesn't work, at least you'll have a good laugh every time you see them.

[Rhonda9]

Dale Carnegie had nothing on you!

[DieselBodine]

On second thought, Rhonda, that's possibly a typical scenario with some people... friendly when it's time for a favor, and standoffish at other times. Was this the neighbor that wanted Dave to drop everything on that one holiday and drive 50 miles that same day to fix their daughter's appliance? Maybe asking them for favors would even the playing field? Are these neighbors people that you want to be friends with? If so, accept their eccentric behavior, if not, don't worry about them.

[Rhonda9]

Thank you for that great advice. You are a wise man.

[maurieer]

First questions Unc Bodine.

The framed pictures on the wall behind you.

Are they diplomas?

That large fire extinguisher to your left.

Is that in case Satan gets a little rowdy when and if he visits?

[DieselBodine]

Hello Gene. Those framed items are merely props to make it appear that I have the knowledge and credentials to give the Advice sought after. The contents within those frames would make good bird cage flooring for collecting the guano dripping from this bird's mind. I can't afford to re-fill those empty fire extinguishers until I make my fortune as a future YouTube Partner, so ''The Dark Angel'' and other mischievous cretins must be kept unaware of this unsafe situation. I have a squirt gun.

[f3xpgm]

I don't know how come you did the exact same questions i was going to ask! lol! Now Bodine there's 2 of us asking the same, please answer us! lol

[maurieer]

f3xpgm

Bodine has interesting backgrounds.

When i saw what looked like diplomas on the wall behind him and the large fire extinguisher(too large for a normal room), curiosity got the better of me and i had to ask him about them.

[DieselBodine]

Hello Felix. Those framed items are merely props to make it appear that I have the knowledge and credentials to give the Advice sought after. The contents within those frames would make good bird cage flooring for collecting the guano dripping from this bird's mind. I can't afford to re-fill those empty fire extinguishers until I make my fortune as a future YouTube Partner, so ''The Dark Angel'' and other mischievous cretins must be kept unaware of this unsafe situation. I have a squirt gun.

[mwest1234]

This reminds me of a relaxation CD I have that tells me to "lie down" and other such wisdom in a calm soft voice. Can't wait to see where this goes!

[DieselBodine]

Hello mwest. Don't get too relaxed. I'm hoping to tear into some ''off the wall'' advice with the right Questions. The best Questions will be Advised upon in recurring installments of this Cyber Column. Hopefully, interested people will ask for Advice in Video Responses, so I can use segments from their video as part of my future Advice Videos.

[FinnishKnife]

This is a great idea! I'll be sure to tune in to hear the answers to viewers' burning questions. Which reminds me-might Satan make a guest appearance once in a while and answer a few of the theological-type questions? He is very popular here, as you know:)

[DieselBodine]

Hello FinnishKnife.  In regards to that ''Flammable Fiend of Flamboyant Ferocity'' making an appearance... well, I think he's been too busy trying to figure out how he can get his cigarette lighter working to offer us some quality time, but you never know! Maybe in the 2nd Season of our new Cyber Column's Syndication, we will ask ''The Flaming Prince of Darkness'' for a cameo appearance.