you know what's fucked up? i have a huge amount of supportive and wonderful people in my life and i'm still ashamed. everyone important to me knows and accepts who i am.
i'm stealth and i'm part of a community that would reject me if they were to know. i have shame over my body, and most of the time my only feeling with respect to my being trans is that it makes me less of who i am. i am ashamed, and i would rather crawl into a hole and not deal with it. i've been known to do that.
So much anxiety about not being able to define your genderself exactly. It's so okay to just not know, not have it worked out, not even necessarily know HOW to work it out yet. I think everyone does this - we just don't all do it in relation to gender. But we are complex creatures and there's nothing wrong with that. Your experience doesn't have to mirror anyone else's.
Perhaps some of your uncertainty comes from social programming (family, society, media) for YEARS to be a straight female, then "being" (to some degree) a gay female, then GQ, then trans. NOT to be condescending, but you're quite young, not far removed from those times. (I'm 39, and still figuring out LOTS about myself... and really, does that process END? No.)
Also, in regards to the last minute- it's WAY better to not fit stereotypes!!! DON'T let worries about the "proper" male-thing-to-do stop you from doing anything.
Thanks for making such an honest video, sharing where you are at. You know when we are thinking these things ourselves we think is something wrong with me, but as a listener, listening to you, nothing is wrong with you, it's ok to be trans whatever way you want to be, you dont have to live up to anything and fit, you know none of us really fit, we are all unique, its just society that wants us to fit in boxes, but people really don't. I think your great, enjoy your process.
This is *exactly* what I am going through. I've never been kicked out, but my parents had asked me when I first came out as queer at 17 if I would respect their wishes to not engage in "queer activities" in the house. I don't know what to do with that any longer because I'm 20 and can't financially afford to move out... yet I can't emotionally afford not to live my life. It's a lot of the same of what you said here. You really truly said it all. If you want to talk further, message me.
I know what you mean about the pronouns. I don't know why pronouns are so important. Intellectually they don't matter to me because I identify as genderqueer and not as male or female, but when I hear pronouns that don't feel right to me on a certain day, I get very uncomfortable.
Yeah, sometimes it can be even more confusing when you're genderqueer. I was genderqueer for a long time before my comfort zone shifted and I started identifying as trans. You'd think things would be a little more flexible and easy when you're genderqueer, but the pronouns were just as important to me then and a lot harder to predict what you prefer from day to day (which makes it a lot more confusing for everyone else.)
I know what you mean. I've been telling myself that I'm just a cross dresser, I'm not a transsexual. But I know that's not the case, and I will be a woman someday. But that hasn't made anything easier and I feel totally weird with the idea of considering myself female on the inside. I think a lot of this comes from a lack of in-person connection with people in the trans community.
Yeah, I hear you on that one. The youtube trans community has really helped me in so many ways, but it can only go so far. I think most of us need larger in-person communities of trans people and trans allies.
I have a quote for you from Deborah Rudacille's _The Riddle of Gender_: Some people "often assume the child knows exactly who he or she is. Nothing could be farther from the truth. The process of self-realization and self-understanding is often a slow and painful one" (page 200).
In other words, I'm pretty sure that what you're feeling inside is actually relatively normal. I'm having a similar experience now, too.
Not a boring vid at all. Thanks so much for posting it. I struggle with everything you've mentioned. I'm even less out than you I think. I've wanted to come out to more people but like you I'm 'confused' as to why I'm not 'sure' of myself as trans, and I don't want to needlessly confuse others. I hate how it's so hard to compare our experiences to some sort of 'standard'. We may feel male but were not raised as men so how would we know what it is to "know" we are men?...
That's a really good point. Since I don't have a male body, I can't recognize myself as male through anything but my masculinity. But that doesn't necessarily tell me my gender. There's no rule that a female bodied person can't embrace her masculinity and still be entirely comfortable with herself as a woman.
All I have to base my gender identity on is my increasing discomfort around being labeled a woman. I try to remind myself that my discomfort is more than enough to justify my transition, but that's hard to keep in mind when you've been raised to always consider everyone else before yourself.
Thanks for the comment, that was really thought provoking. Thanks also for the sub.
I just want you to know you are not alone. I have been in the same places mentally as you are now. To be honest I still struggle some times. It will all work out I assure you.
Thanks so much for this comment. I really appreciate it. I guess that's the great thing about youtube - you know you're never alone. Oh, and congrats on getting your first T shot!
you know what's fucked up? i have a huge amount of supportive and wonderful people in my life and i'm still ashamed. everyone important to me knows and accepts who i am.
i'm stealth and i'm part of a community that would reject me if they were to know. i have shame over my body, and most of the time my only feeling with respect to my being trans is that it makes me less of who i am. i am ashamed, and i would rather crawl into a hole and not deal with it. i've been known to do that.
MsFiguren 10 months ago
So much anxiety about not being able to define your genderself exactly. It's so okay to just not know, not have it worked out, not even necessarily know HOW to work it out yet. I think everyone does this - we just don't all do it in relation to gender. But we are complex creatures and there's nothing wrong with that. Your experience doesn't have to mirror anyone else's.
rivenrock 2 years ago
Perhaps some of your uncertainty comes from social programming (family, society, media) for YEARS to be a straight female, then "being" (to some degree) a gay female, then GQ, then trans. NOT to be condescending, but you're quite young, not far removed from those times. (I'm 39, and still figuring out LOTS about myself... and really, does that process END? No.)
thebeardedtraveler 2 years ago
Also, in regards to the last minute- it's WAY better to not fit stereotypes!!! DON'T let worries about the "proper" male-thing-to-do stop you from doing anything.
thebeardedtraveler 2 years ago
Thanks for making such an honest video, sharing where you are at. You know when we are thinking these things ourselves we think is something wrong with me, but as a listener, listening to you, nothing is wrong with you, it's ok to be trans whatever way you want to be, you dont have to live up to anything and fit, you know none of us really fit, we are all unique, its just society that wants us to fit in boxes, but people really don't. I think your great, enjoy your process.
cheers, Luca
chanapanya 2 years ago
Thank you for your support. It's really nice to hear from so many people. I hope you're doing well.
JulzB525 2 years ago
This is *exactly* what I am going through. I've never been kicked out, but my parents had asked me when I first came out as queer at 17 if I would respect their wishes to not engage in "queer activities" in the house. I don't know what to do with that any longer because I'm 20 and can't financially afford to move out... yet I can't emotionally afford not to live my life. It's a lot of the same of what you said here. You really truly said it all. If you want to talk further, message me.
xxthread 2 years ago
I know what you mean about the pronouns. I don't know why pronouns are so important. Intellectually they don't matter to me because I identify as genderqueer and not as male or female, but when I hear pronouns that don't feel right to me on a certain day, I get very uncomfortable.
L1P30 2 years ago
Yeah, sometimes it can be even more confusing when you're genderqueer. I was genderqueer for a long time before my comfort zone shifted and I started identifying as trans. You'd think things would be a little more flexible and easy when you're genderqueer, but the pronouns were just as important to me then and a lot harder to predict what you prefer from day to day (which makes it a lot more confusing for everyone else.)
JulzB525 2 years ago
I know what you mean. I've been telling myself that I'm just a cross dresser, I'm not a transsexual. But I know that's not the case, and I will be a woman someday. But that hasn't made anything easier and I feel totally weird with the idea of considering myself female on the inside. I think a lot of this comes from a lack of in-person connection with people in the trans community.
theprodigalparadox 2 years ago
Yeah, I hear you on that one. The youtube trans community has really helped me in so many ways, but it can only go so far. I think most of us need larger in-person communities of trans people and trans allies.
JulzB525 2 years ago
I have a quote for you from Deborah Rudacille's _The Riddle of Gender_: Some people "often assume the child knows exactly who he or she is. Nothing could be farther from the truth. The process of self-realization and self-understanding is often a slow and painful one" (page 200).
In other words, I'm pretty sure that what you're feeling inside is actually relatively normal. I'm having a similar experience now, too.
Best of luck.
tobeyanonymous 2 years ago
Not a boring vid at all. Thanks so much for posting it. I struggle with everything you've mentioned. I'm even less out than you I think. I've wanted to come out to more people but like you I'm 'confused' as to why I'm not 'sure' of myself as trans, and I don't want to needlessly confuse others. I hate how it's so hard to compare our experiences to some sort of 'standard'. We may feel male but were not raised as men so how would we know what it is to "know" we are men?...
XYinside 2 years ago
That's a really good point. Since I don't have a male body, I can't recognize myself as male through anything but my masculinity. But that doesn't necessarily tell me my gender. There's no rule that a female bodied person can't embrace her masculinity and still be entirely comfortable with herself as a woman.
JulzB525 2 years ago
All I have to base my gender identity on is my increasing discomfort around being labeled a woman. I try to remind myself that my discomfort is more than enough to justify my transition, but that's hard to keep in mind when you've been raised to always consider everyone else before yourself.
Thanks for the comment, that was really thought provoking. Thanks also for the sub.
JulzB525 2 years ago
I just want you to know you are not alone. I have been in the same places mentally as you are now. To be honest I still struggle some times. It will all work out I assure you.
Trannyman2009 2 years ago
Thanks so much for this comment. I really appreciate it. I guess that's the great thing about youtube - you know you're never alone. Oh, and congrats on getting your first T shot!
JulzB525 2 years ago