Physical and sexual assault plays a huge part in the lives of everyone around it. from the attacker to the victim to the people they know and will meet in the future. Great thoughts on the subject. You are a woman wise beyond your years. for someone to have attained as much understanding and intelligence as you makes me believe in Reincarnation. Your words are always more than just what is written in a book. I wish more people would watch your videos. I also love Laci Green U + her = radio show
this is a real world comment, Having had a lover of my life, who I so shared everything sexual and enjoyed it all. I was in my early 20's and completely trusting. Once he became an unfaithful partner, I think I vowed not to ever allow that type of pleasure again from even my husband of 26 years!
the main reason a woman will not let you go down on them is because they have had a bad experience with a previous partner, basically they were shit, if you know what your doing down there then convice he
Thanks for being so upfront and talking about this on the net ( : You know, it could also be emotional abuse that happened in her lifetime (or even in her mothers and she just got the emotional download) that keeps a woman from surrendering. But surrendering is the key to healing that a woman needs to find in a safe environment ( : Hopefully it's with you, her partner ( :
Kicesie, don't you ever think about women who are SCARED of sexual pleasure? I'm one of those women, and I've never been "sexually assaulted". I just can't get close to my partner and that usually ends up on a bad note. I want to, and I desire it, I just can't.
@HueggleHorn If you continue to uphold your current attitude then you'll never be able to. If you decide beforehand that it isn't going to happen, then it's not. Plain and simple. Also, you must understand why this would cause conflict. Not only does it portray that you don't find your partner attractive enough to arouse you, it also might appear to your partner that you have no trust in them. Like any other scary situation in the world stop overthinking it and overcome it. Research helps too.
You're a very good communicator. This is only the second video of yours I've watched, so I'll have to watch a few more before giving any answers to your questions, but I'm enjoying ya'.
@2020mboy well look at it this way, if he keeps trying to do it, you have nothing to worry about. If he doesn't try to do it, he's either not in the mood or there Probably is. But you can never be certain.
I love your theory on this, it got me to thinking. And i think another possible influence could be the Gender Roles in our society. And it definately has changed and improved a lot, but it still is out there. And i feel the way some women might have been raised as children is that its "wrong" or 'bad' to have certain sexual experiences before merriage. And some families even teach that its "Wrong wrong wrong" All of it including masterbation and have never been told different.
ok I will share a little here. When I my girlfriend and I first started to make love she was afraid to to let me give her pleasure orally. She hadn't ever had it done well, and had only had it done a couple times. At first it was weird for her and I had to talk her into letting me do it. Now she loves it more than me (if thats possible) and we're in a good place. I love to give her pleasure and she loves getting it. She gets so relaxed when I do it she doesn't want t move, but it makes her.
My x told me once that he didn't enjoy giving me oral sex at that time because of how it smelled. And even why it was only one time, I never felt comfortable about receiving oral sex from him again.
i think a that women's upbringings are different from mens. a women might feel guilty for having sexual pleasure with a her partner. i think that your right about the need for a women to feel safe. its hard to understand women, i dont think they even understand themselves.
don't let my bf give me oral sex, I don't really say NO! when he does..but I kindda pull him up after like a minute..and I've told him before that I don't really want him doing it.
why you say? well, it feels good and all, but I don't think he enjoy it very much, and I'm kindda self-concious about how it tastes/smells..and since I get the vibe that he's not enjoying it very much, it makes me very uncomfortable.
@2020mboy i am sure ur bf enjoy it, he likes the taste and smell, it's really good! for u isn't cause u r a woman, but for us men, is great, if is good, enjoy!
@2020mboy THANK YOU. My number one question has been answered. So if the girl dose not believe the guy is enjoying it, then she will feel uncomfortable. And refuse pleasure.
You have an articulate way of speaking, so I do understand your reasoning about safety... But I have a different angle of view on this one. I think as women become more independent and liberated, their perspective on safety will change as well... There is something that men have - they have been trained to have - to stand up for themselves... be in charge... and not fear intrusion. When women get to that point (hopefully), they will see that they are in control of their safety and pleasure.
When these women are raped they not only deal with personal closeness issues from that time on, they then also have to deal with post tramatic stress disorder (PTSD) and if you would imagine a marine coming back from war these women have not been trained to go through the trauma that they experience when raped. These women need support and a mate that will understand the counciling they need and support them in getting it.
I think, for every woman, a good start would be to really feel safe with her partner, and willing. Communication is everything, if she doesn't want to talk about it (if it is a problem for her) it just simply won't work. Remeber, sex is 00,1% of a relationship, communication is 99%, while having sex, you should care about giving your partner pleasure, be selfless, let her (or him) desire to give it to you too. When you show concern for your partner, it makes her (or him) feel safe.
I learned that sometimes the woman don't not know their body the way they should and letting another person, even their lover pleasure them means letting go and that something they just don't want to do? maybe??
i know this isn't the topic but i have a problem! Say you watch a guy you know cheating on a girl you personally dislike and try to tell this girl and she doesn't believe you because of your past together and the guy says it never happened. I don't know what to do and i need help.
I think a lot of why some women don't want to recieve oral sex has to do with the way our society defines the gender roles. Though it is changing some, women are still shown as weak and submissive. Any woman shown as strong in popular culture is a "bad girl", and the empowerment and self assurence we needed to allow a man to give us pleasure is being presented to us a bad or amoral.
I recieved oral pleasure for the first time and did not enjoy it... for a long time I refused oral pleasure.... then i gave into one guy who i was extremely comfortable with... i enjoyed it immensley. i refused the pleasure because the first time it was given to me the guy did not know how to please me where the second guy could.... other women could be having this problem. Alot of times guys dont realize that all women are different and find different things pleasurable
your vids rock, and unfortunately sexual assult does happen, and sorry but i gotta say that i dont agree with the whole 1/4 women will be beaten or raped statistic...i looked up how this statistic was made and the reason its as high as 1/4 is because the definition of rape used for this statistic wasnt actually about actual rape...
My partner is understanding, but I'm not sure what I can do to get myself to the point where I'm able to release control like that. It's not just with my partner either. I've never had an orgasm by myself either.
...I think I do deny pleasure..I've never orgasmed and it's not because I've never been able to get that stimulated. I've just..not been able to go of the control over my body. I've never been assaulted so I'm not sure why I do this, but I have gotten to the point where I feel like I need to orgasm, but I've never been able to just..let go.
I was, until recently, dating a woman who had been raped, and had no prior experience when it happened. She shut down, and it was a really difficult process getting her to open up again. A woman who has been abused is often afraid of sex, and even after she's become comfortable with it, she may be wary of the feelings of loss of control that sometimes accompany orgasm. Anyway, I hope that you find this helpful, and keep up the awesome work.
i don`t have a problem with my girlfriend recieving pleasure but she she sure does not like to give it back she more content to recieve then say she`s not in the mood any more or she wants to enjoy her orgasm and puts me and my pleasure out of her mind . selfish? so i have refused to give oral pleasure and that also causes fights but it stops the one way street effect.
You keep mentioning sexually assulted or physically assulted... Let's not forget verbal abuse or "emotionaly assult" That crap builds up over time and can really take a toll!
The last phsical relationship I was in, I kept refusing oral. Um... not sure why. Maybe I thought she was bad at it... Wierd though. This requires further examination :).
i think that the woman in the story you told might be just not comfortable to the idea of oral sex, maybe for "respect" reasons as it is in some cultures.
As for the main issue in this vid. i totally agree with you. control is certainly entangled with personal security.
others see that control of pleasure allows for clearer mind state (as some religions might put it) because it stops distraction from reality. but that might not always be true!
well..I don't let my bf give me oral sex, I don't really say NO! when he does..but I kindda pull him up after like a minute..and I've told him before that I don't really want him doing it.
why you say? well, it feels good and all, but I don't think he enjoy it very much, and I'm kindda self-concious about how it tastes/smells..and since I get the vibe that he's not enjoying it very much, it makes me very uncomfortable.
i had a very hard and confusing life i have been through so much that just thinking about my past makes me angry & sad,and i think may be its because of that that me & my husband don't really have a sex life and this is ruining our relationship and marriage
I think that what you said is true. Having a sense of control in our lives is a crucial element because it helps us feel safe. When someone is sexually or physically abused,that safety is gone. I can see how having control of pleasure allows a feeling of safety. The psychologist Maslow rated human needs, and the first three in order are: survival, safety, and touch. That is a potent combination where all three affect each other in an abuse situation.
Maslow's hierarchy of needs is actually dead center to this whole discussion, though I didn't make that link till you said it. The more you understand it the more it applies. Hrmm, I'll go see if I can't put all these thoughts into words. Thanks!
You're welcome. I'm glad you see the link as well. My view: I see our sexual energy as being a potent element to our vitality. And when it is violated by another human being we are shaken down to the core of our being and have to re-evaluate our view of the world in order to come to terms with being abused. So taking control of our pleasure gives us some of control that we translate into feeling safe. That may be what leads some women, and some men, into denying themselves sexual pleasure.
Another problem with sexual assalt is that it stains someones sexual identity. alot of people blame themselves, or "sex" in itself, and it hinders their ideas of sex. Also alot of girls are taught about sex being dirty. People are taught not to express sexuality untill a certain maturity, which although is good, can also put a negative conotation on sex in the longterm.
Amazing the depth of response to this post. Thanks for raising it, as a man all I can contribute is to listen. As any active adult with fantasies.............
Part 1: Great topic, however I have some information that might shed some light. It's been a while since I worked with rape victims but I found this excerpt from a rape site that put it pretty well.
"It's common among both male and female rape victims, to feel guilty because the attack resulted in their body responding literally against their will. Their mind associates this with "pleasure" they weren't supposed to
A quote from a book i am reading I thought had a thought on that subject. It goes like this "One of the tragedies of modern life is that women as a whole do not hold a lot of power in society, despite all the advances made in the last century. Sexual choice, however, is one of the only areas where a women are disputably in control.
It's not until they've made a choice, and submitted to it, that the relationship is inverted-and the male is generally back in a position of power over her. Perhaps that is why women, to the frustration of men everywhere, are so cautious about saying yes." -Neil Strauss-
I know what you're talking about. I dated a Lady that had been raped with a knife at her throat. We were engaged when it happened and even though the guy was caught and went to prison, it took her a long time to even trust me let alone anyone else. That includes in the bed also.
I have done a small amount of research on the effects of rape and was surprised to discover that certain feelings of pleasure are "automatic" some sort of in built response to sex and that women often get these feeling during rape. This can lead to emotional issues surounding these feelings in a relationship. Because these feelings are in some way a reminder of a trauma they are automatically supressed emotionally. I was shocked when I was told ths.
mmm... this problem is ten fold when it's women raping men (yes, it happens, and it happens more than most would think. I get at least a message a week from a someone new about it). A good percentage of the time women don't stop raping the men until he orgasms, thus leading to a TON of confusion, guilt, etc...
Women are as complex as the stars. In short, some women go introverted and others exhibit the opposite "on the surface". In any relationship these days with the number you quoted as in some ways damaged by assault, I think it is important for the guy to allow her to have control during intimate times. Let her take her time and hopefully, these feeling come back.
Unless your completely comfortable with yourself and your surroundings, you cant let go. For women who have been assaulted the feeling is magnified. Not only are they uncomfortable, but the terror of losing control again makes it very difficult to loosen up and enjoy the moment. To reach orgasm when your mind is reeling, watching every movement and struggling to keep control of the situation is impossible.
If a woman doesn't want to have sex, then maybe the man doesn't turn her on. If she wants to have sex but can't push herself to do so, she has some sort of insecurity issue.
The thing with me is not that I dont feel pleasure, it's I don't want anyone else to give it to me. I have no desire to have sex with anyone. I kinda fit in the asexual catagory, but i have attractions, hormones, just don't wanna take the next step, ever.
If you don't mind me asking here... when you imagine taking that next step, with someone else, what emotion does it bring up? Fear? Disgust? Anxiety? Distaste? anything?
And this idea that a woman hasn't orgasmed just because she hadn't been with the right guy yet is actually quite silly and research doesn't support it at all. Anorgasmic women are not women who are missing out on the correct technique. Do some research on it. It's interesting....
while I agree in theory, in practice having the right partner is important. firstly, let me just say that everyone is wired differently, both physically and emotionally, so every individual experience will be different in this regard. But technique, to me, should mean more than just simple physics. It should men having a partner who is caring, responsive, patient, understanding, and very much emotionally present, as well as physically.
It isn't that the partner 'fixes' the issue, it is that the partner can help facilitate in a profound physical and emotional awakening. The real work/achievement is done by the woman herself, but their partner can provide the emotional backdrop of support and caring that allows that work to take place.
As a woman becomes more secure in her sense of self, her value, and her ability to give and receive pleasure and power, her worthiness of love and happiness, that sense of self can more easily manifest itself in a physical relationship. As we learn to accept and love ourselves, become comfortable with ourselves physically and emotionally, we can more fully give ourselves to others, in any number of ways.
So having the right person there to help us through that process of self discovery and healing is important. But it is far more than mere mechanics, of course.
My argument is that these men who write to me are truly loving and patient, kind and skilled, supportive and caring, comforting and respectful, etc. Still, there remains an issue.
Actually, if someone wanted to give me 1000 (and not annonymously) I'd probably not take it... because I'd be worried about what was expected in return... because I'd be confused why. Because I would feel like a charity case. Because... well the list goes on.
Wow, you are getting very deep with this sex ed. course; which I find most fascinating. With regards to the women I've had the pleasure of having sexual encounters with, I can only remember one who was frigid.( Inhibited sexual desires) I think there was an emotional problem with her and yes I agree she may have been sexually assaulted, or maybe just one of those Judeo/Christian/Muslim things. (lol, just trying to politically correct.)
Judeo/Christian/Muslim things? o.O My goodness do you really believe that because someone is brought up in environment that teaches them not to have sex before marriage, they are frigid? I mean not that i agree with the ideaology and the way especially muslims treat their daughters virginity like something they POSSESS. But still, the way you put it seems absurd.
I can't speak for all christianity, but much of what I've seen not only says not to have sex until you're married, but implies a dirtiness about it all. Books on why masturbating is sinful... I've seen them... I found them in our church's library as a child... I heard from other christian raised kids... There is this joke of irony about it: "Sex is really dirty. That why you only share it with the one you love." heh... how sad... but many people are taught that way.
What literally drives me insane is the intentional misinterpretation of the bible... God wants man to have sexual pleasure with his wife... Masturbation is deemed dirty because of the lustful thinking that tends to go with it... you should not lust after a woman/man like that. That is the issue that is before masturbation. If you can do it without the lusting of someone else then you are fine. But????
Oh it's not that i do not agree people are [unfortunately] taught that way. Agnostic myself, I live in a muslim family atm and there it's even more extreme...a girl who'd have sex or any sexual contact[yes, think just kissing] would be a disgrace for whole family & sinful, dirty..as you say. My only point was that it still does not make them frigid..some accept it & wait, some break the rules & feel guilty...some are stuck in the middle ground & feel very frustrated.
I don't like the word frigid, but I think guilt over being sexual doesn't disappear the moment you're married, even if in concept it's supposed to... and so we have people who live with constant guilt. Not everyone, no! And I don't think people who are raised religiously are any more 'frigid' than everyone else, but I think there is a dicotomy in how we're feeling about sex. I imagine a whole video should be on that though....
Well clearly the ideas are out there. That's why you have people like Pastor Joe Beam trying to undo those ideas. There was a good piece on him and what he does on MSNBC America unzipped with links to his website.
I don't know if that's the same Joe Beam that's on a Montel clip here on youtube, but if so, I'm impressed. He says toward the end the best thing a couple can do is give each other permission to tell the truth, no matter what it is. I've always said that! It's great to hear someone else say.
well, you're right there's so much to talk about...I would definitely appreciate such video & B bet lots of people out there would have a lot to say about this...
Of course it's different according to what kind of muslim background are you from, some are more reform, others not... But personally i have been shocked to talk to some muslim girls - college educated, brought up in america etc...who openly told me they wanna get married [means asking parents for arranged marriage] asap after college...just coz it's 1) a thing to do for a woman 2)to get this sexual frustration over with o.O.
If the former is true, then I guess, as your observation goes, her reaction against pleasure is a much more deep-rooted & unconscious thing, whereas for the later (where she is resisting the urge), she is atleast conscious of her natural tendency to feel pleasure, hence making her "feel" the conflict within? Atleast in the later, she might think of visiting a shrink whereas in the former she might not even be "aware" of her pleasure-denying behavior?
In NOT letting go, is there a conflict inside, as in the body wants to let go but the mind doesnot (bcoz of the mind holding on to the past), Or, is it that the very urge to let go doesn't even arise?
i class pedophiles, rapists as people who cant control themselves and should be kept away from people or be monitored there whole life because they cant be trusted.
I understand perfectly why a person who was assaulted would have difficulty trusting and "letting themselves go". That said, many women with no such background have problems too. The root cause of a lot of this is still parents who insist on raising boys and girls differently. For boys, sex is good and more sex is better. Girls have to operate within some artificail framework to make it okay lest there be a stigma attached. No wonder so many females throw in the towel on this!
Wow,really informational.Jenna Jameson was sexually assaulted by a whole football team in her home town in Montana that's why she is in porn because she gets to control it.I being a guy wouldn't want to be with a girl who didn't totally trust or feel completely safe with me. I would wait for the sex, until an emotional bond formed, as a guy how does that make us look when you don't take the time to share the emotional as well as the pleasurable aspects. Im @~ on your myspace lol ...tc
Hmm.... interesting... a lot (certainly not all) porn actresses have been assaulted. And I never really saw being in porn as an act of control, but I can see it now.
Depending on a situation, stats say that a significant number of rapes a gang rapes (which means more than 1 in assailant is involved). And I've read cases where up to 15 have been involved. I don't think that constitutes an entire team, but could, figuratively, be said... dunno... maybe someone should look it up, see if it can be cooberated (is that the word? lol)
Kicesis... I can understand your take on denial or lack of pleasure when a woman has been assaulted or molested? In 40 years of marriage she has never had an orgasm from intercourse, only manual stimulation and not often at that. One time when she/we had been drinking I went down on her and she had a really good verbal orgasm. Before and since she just doesn't like it. Got an answer? And yes I am a pretty good guy.
Do keep in mind that nearly ALL women need direct clitoral stimulation to orgasm. So when manually stimulating her perhaps use a bit of lube on your finger.... it can help a lot. Nothing wrong with only getting her off that way! It does help if that happens first and penetration later.... orgasming before a guy enters a girl makes her body simply much more ready, relaxed, etc... and it just feels better in the end. :-)
Wow, I never quite thought about it like that. I think you nailed it.
As far as the cure, I don't know, maybe you'll have to come up with that, too. Maybe a woman could see the act of giving her ability to experience uncontrolled pleasure over to her lover as her deliberate act of power. That might gradually remove the illusion that she can't control who she trusts.
very interesting video, i knew a woman who was seriously abused as a young toddler in her teens and twenties she became extremely promiscuous but had never reached an orgasm the men she was promiscous with she explained to me as being a challenge to her where if she had sex with many men and walked away she felt that she was empowering herself in some way and felt a sense of superiority....
But what about those of us who never feel safe? Or, who learn, from healthy relationships, how to feel safe again? It's not necessarily the guy/girl making us feel uneasy, it's our past...
my ex was like this...we'd be having sex and all of a sudden she would just freeze up and not want me to touch her(she was raped twice). She just needed to be held and told that she was ok and I loved her and I would never hurt her and everything was fine. Love,time and understanding is a must.
hmmmmm i wonder what kind of feedback would occur if a guy actually started talking about this stuff (just a thought) its okay for a woman or girl to ask these kind of questions....but if a guy did this kind of thing....BAM...the dude would be flagged as a sex offender, or at MINIMUM be reported. i haven't watched all of the vids....yet..i dont know if they really intrest me..
lol. I know of many youtubers who address the issue of sex in much more crude manners. So if that's what he meant, it's the stupidest comment I've gotten to date.
Well, it took a lot of time before she could really get those walls down and trust me and open up to me, and I guess the right thing was to get close to her as a friend slowly and assuring her that it's not about just some physical thing I want but that I respect her as a person and care about her in an emotional way.
I wonder, if in a situation where the woman is sexually agressive *because* she feels that's all men want from her anyway... perhaps the best thing to do is lovingly and with gentleness tell her that you want to know and love who she is before you ever become physically intimate with her. I think it'd throw her for a loop. Something similar to that won me over with my now fiance. :-)
That's what happened in kinda way! just with a much slower pace :-) but you're right, it worked at the time, but like I said in the first comment it was an old experience with an ex. Right now I'm still stuck with the issue I've talked to you about.
This could leave some traces in her sub-conscious that reveal itself as asexuality, anorgasmia or even just treating the guy badly as she unconsciously is not comfortable to open up to him and accept him as a friend or a lover even if she's actually in a serious relationship.
That makes here uncomfortable and aggressive in here relationships with the other sex as she senses that she is not treated and thought of as a person but only a pleasure tool.
I guess it's more complicated than just refusing to accept pleasure, but rather it's a sub-conscious protest against being mistreated and being looked down to. From a personal experience with a girl I've known sexual assault leaves the girl with a deep feeling of being unrespected and that she's thought of only as a sex tool.
A feeling that I've experienced as a man, is that, if you let someone give you pleasure, you're giving them some control over you -- not in the act itself necessarily, but, kind of in a behavioral psychology sense, giving pleasure is a way to control someone: if you accept pleasure, you're subjecting yourself to potential manipulation.
i think its the feeling of pleasure that is felt during an assault violent / sexual (i know they are often have the same cause roots, dif sub ) or during childhood is confusing and can/dose cause a deep guilt , :thinking :"if it wrong y did feel good (body response to touch) ,I am a bad person, later thinking ,, I wonted it desired it , it was my fault , ect " the body is a sensory origin and responds accordingly the mind/self is a processing to try to balance social behavior ,
Rarely is pleasure felt during a rape (though orgasms, despite not wanting it are reported in a vast minority of cases). Molestations can be a lot trickier as the molester often experiments with the child's pleasures. Guilt can become enormous, etc...
OKay so i would say that for women who have been sexually assualted in some way that it may affect their pleasure! maybe they are going back into that event where they didnt have control and by now having it and saying no! they have control over it like you said! but I think if you can try to forgive and try to forgett even though you never will forgett something like that but you will be able to have that pleasure! i hope that was understandable!
haha yeahh i know i just read it over and i cant agree with it myself bc you probably will still have problems in the pleasure area but what do you disagree with?
yeahh i totally agree with you but what i meant was that thinking about what happened wont even let you have sex to begin with even though that wasent in the question!
i feel women's pleasures are a build of haveing the enviorment and here partner in a good place, forinstance if she has a great job, great friends, lives as she desire's , and here husband or boyfriend is great or beyond comparison to other men, her pleasure will be GREAT. women are dreamer's !!! and if here dreams become reality here pleasure is magnifiyed for her man!!!! great thought here KIM . I love this 1")
It's some intresting thoughts you put forward, but it's really hard to really get what being sexually assulted does to a person for us who've never experienced it. Getting through the shields that's put up can in some cases be impossible, but I think the only thing you can do is be patient, understanding and loving. Maybe express that you want to help, and that if she's willing to open up, you are there for her.
Pleasure is what you cant control, because it mirrors your emotions and youll be in conflict with yourself if you oppress or deny it. This leads to hate. Therefore its better to admit, you havent loved it, I guess.
I think it all boils down to trust. If the female can't trust her partner, then she won't except any pleasure a man tries to give her. In the cases of abused women, I think they have just lost all trust in men and therefore might not accept anything from them. If a woman trusts a man and vice versa everything should smooth sailing (hopefully)!
Trust still has to be combined with a technique that works for her unique structure and nerves, etc.... plus, anti-depressants (which a HUGE portion of society seem to be on) can make orgasm difficult if not impossible... the factors are just a whole lot more than trust. Though trust is a huge one.
BDSM is a topic I've tried to make a video on for a very long time and it simply doesn't want to be made. Maybe it never will be made... who knows. I respect the community at large and embrace a lot of their principles of safety and knowledge. It's due to this respect for the community I doubt a video will be made until someone active and extremely knowledgeable in the field wants to be interviewed...
Well I remember reading something from a while ago that a study was done to determine why females are not having good sex. According to this reading, about 22-24% are just...not really interested in sex. The reason sited as to why was because those women surveyed were more concerned about other life aspects like, having enough money, having a place to live, children, etc.
My girlfriend was raped.. And it took her a long time to accept to have sex or think about it, i completely respected her and would never push her boundaries only when she is ready do i do anything. I think about your video it's very insighting the 1 in 4 women are sexually assaulted by that age, that's a shocking fact. Thank you for posting this video it was very informative.
Immediate things that come to mind would be (and please note I have not researched women on this this issue) control, fear of losing control, fear of disappointing the other person {truly not being ABLE to orgasm}, guilt, shame regarding their body, lck of experience with their body (never masturbated and still won't, etc). Neural pathways must be built... and older you wait to build them the harder it can be at times...
If a woman has learned for say 15-20 years that men cannot be trusted, it isn't fair to expect her to FULLY trust me in say 2-3yrs. It is up to me to demonstrate that she CAN trust me. Over MANY years.
Definitely; however much I don't enjoy behavioral psychology, to be conditioned for those 15-20 years not to trust men and to be given reason (maybe big, maybe small), those conditioned feelings are responses are extremely engrained and will take a lot to overcome.
For her, to push her boundary of trust, and for me in being patient, that she will fully give herself to me. Having known her for 23yrs, and married 19
(separated for 1 of those),
it is only in the last 3-4 years that she is FULLY allowing herself to experience the pleasures of our sexuality without limitations.
That's a beautiful sucess story. It does show that BOTH parties have to be willing to work at it. If one or both aren't willing, progress won't happen. They SAY that 20-25 years into a marriage, the sex is at it's peak! :-D enjoy. you've definitely earned it
My X was like that sometimes. She had been abused as a kid, and sometimes she could recieve pleasure, and other times it scarred the hell out of her. I never knew which time was which. Sometimes I was the carring boyfriend / husband, and others I was an "out of controll rapest". For my part my intentions and actions were always the same. in her mind..... that I couldn't do much about.
This makes plenty of sense. I hesitate to speculate about this, since it can only really be answered conclusively by women sharing their experiences. But I suspect it happens with more women than only those who have been abused. I've known women, including my ex-girlfriends, who go along with things the guy wants just to be able to stay with him, or to avoid a confrontation of some kind. But if you're just going along, you can't really get into it, can you?
this is simple, maybe it's not pleasurable for her. you assume all girls receive preasure by oral sex. whether it's psychological or physically not pleasureable-- whatever.. she doesn't want it. Just like some woman won't give their men oral sex because they don't like sucking on penis. it's a lot deeper than not allowing themselves to receive pleasure.... it's like saying, why won't girls do anal sex?! it's pleasurable! ...not really.
Physical and sexual assault plays a huge part in the lives of everyone around it. from the attacker to the victim to the people they know and will meet in the future. Great thoughts on the subject. You are a woman wise beyond your years. for someone to have attained as much understanding and intelligence as you makes me believe in Reincarnation. Your words are always more than just what is written in a book. I wish more people would watch your videos. I also love Laci Green U + her = radio show
macchef01 1 month ago
1 in 4 were sexually "assaulted" what excactly does that mean? could you provide the source i find that very interesting
comprehentionoflife 1 month ago
@comprehentionoflife FBI crime stats available on the FBI's main website.
kicesie 1 month ago
@comprehentionoflife Yeah man it's a sad thing. 25% of all criminal cases with women involve them giving testimony to sexual assault.
macchef01 1 month ago
Thank u
motleycrue5550123 2 months ago
Shes legit lol
azu1834 3 months ago
thank you, i look forward to trying this out on a lucky female ;)
tomfarley1 4 months ago
this is a real world comment, Having had a lover of my life, who I so shared everything sexual and enjoyed it all. I was in my early 20's and completely trusting. Once he became an unfaithful partner, I think I vowed not to ever allow that type of pleasure again from even my husband of 26 years!
katelyngbrown 5 months ago
the main reason a woman will not let you go down on them is because they have had a bad experience with a previous partner, basically they were shit, if you know what your doing down there then convice he
funlovincriminal1987 6 months ago
Marriage :D
NOMNOMNOMmonster 7 months ago
Thanks for being so upfront and talking about this on the net ( : You know, it could also be emotional abuse that happened in her lifetime (or even in her mothers and she just got the emotional download) that keeps a woman from surrendering. But surrendering is the key to healing that a woman needs to find in a safe environment ( : Hopefully it's with you, her partner ( :
ElisaMeakin 10 months ago
you look like mandy moore
thekrazykarls 11 months ago
Kicesie, don't you ever think about women who are SCARED of sexual pleasure? I'm one of those women, and I've never been "sexually assaulted". I just can't get close to my partner and that usually ends up on a bad note. I want to, and I desire it, I just can't.
HueggleHorn 1 year ago
@HueggleHorn If you continue to uphold your current attitude then you'll never be able to. If you decide beforehand that it isn't going to happen, then it's not. Plain and simple. Also, you must understand why this would cause conflict. Not only does it portray that you don't find your partner attractive enough to arouse you, it also might appear to your partner that you have no trust in them. Like any other scary situation in the world stop overthinking it and overcome it. Research helps too.
wildchickety1 7 months ago
i love you
spadescrazyclan 1 year ago
I wish I knew when to take my walls of steal down and evenmore so how to
aprezzy1 1 year ago
You're a very good communicator. This is only the second video of yours I've watched, so I'll have to watch a few more before giving any answers to your questions, but I'm enjoying ya'.
blewj 1 year ago
@2020mboy well look at it this way, if he keeps trying to do it, you have nothing to worry about. If he doesn't try to do it, he's either not in the mood or there Probably is. But you can never be certain.
chasend1 1 year ago
What do you mean just about everything is beyond are control, i disagree
108deko 1 year ago
@108deko 'beyond OUR control'. And you're entitled to your own opinion. So am I.
kicesie 1 year ago
You are cute and sexy
tialciang 1 year ago
I love your theory on this, it got me to thinking. And i think another possible influence could be the Gender Roles in our society. And it definately has changed and improved a lot, but it still is out there. And i feel the way some women might have been raised as children is that its "wrong" or 'bad' to have certain sexual experiences before merriage. And some families even teach that its "Wrong wrong wrong" All of it including masterbation and have never been told different.
FrostFire444 1 year ago
@FrostFire444 Very true!
kicesie 1 year ago
ok I will share a little here. When I my girlfriend and I first started to make love she was afraid to to let me give her pleasure orally. She hadn't ever had it done well, and had only had it done a couple times. At first it was weird for her and I had to talk her into letting me do it. Now she loves it more than me (if thats possible) and we're in a good place. I love to give her pleasure and she loves getting it. She gets so relaxed when I do it she doesn't want t move, but it makes her.
willthereaper 1 year ago
My x told me once that he didn't enjoy giving me oral sex at that time because of how it smelled. And even why it was only one time, I never felt comfortable about receiving oral sex from him again.
DjurslandsEfterskole 1 year ago
i think a that women's upbringings are different from mens. a women might feel guilty for having sexual pleasure with a her partner. i think that your right about the need for a women to feel safe. its hard to understand women, i dont think they even understand themselves.
edde8282 1 year ago 3
shes well fit
mufc1970ok 1 year ago
don't let my bf give me oral sex, I don't really say NO! when he does..but I kindda pull him up after like a minute..and I've told him before that I don't really want him doing it.
why you say? well, it feels good and all, but I don't think he enjoy it very much, and I'm kindda self-concious about how it tastes/smells..and since I get the vibe that he's not enjoying it very much, it makes me very uncomfortable.
2020mboy 1 year ago 2
@2020mboy That's definitely a common concern for lots of women that men need to understand.
kicesie 1 year ago
@2020mboy i am sure ur bf enjoy it, he likes the taste and smell, it's really good! for u isn't cause u r a woman, but for us men, is great, if is good, enjoy!
neilendrigo 1 year ago
@2020mboy THANK YOU. My number one question has been answered. So if the girl dose not believe the guy is enjoying it, then she will feel uncomfortable. And refuse pleasure.
Dansthoughts 1 year ago
You have an articulate way of speaking, so I do understand your reasoning about safety... But I have a different angle of view on this one. I think as women become more independent and liberated, their perspective on safety will change as well... There is something that men have - they have been trained to have - to stand up for themselves... be in charge... and not fear intrusion. When women get to that point (hopefully), they will see that they are in control of their safety and pleasure.
SatyreetBacchante 1 year ago
When these women are raped they not only deal with personal closeness issues from that time on, they then also have to deal with post tramatic stress disorder (PTSD) and if you would imagine a marine coming back from war these women have not been trained to go through the trauma that they experience when raped. These women need support and a mate that will understand the counciling they need and support them in getting it.
fletch8538 2 years ago
I think, for every woman, a good start would be to really feel safe with her partner, and willing. Communication is everything, if she doesn't want to talk about it (if it is a problem for her) it just simply won't work. Remeber, sex is 00,1% of a relationship, communication is 99%, while having sex, you should care about giving your partner pleasure, be selfless, let her (or him) desire to give it to you too. When you show concern for your partner, it makes her (or him) feel safe.
cristianosequeira 2 years ago
definitely i think, you would get constantly reminded of a bad experience and thus they might never be able to feel completely safe and have pleasure
egg789456123 2 years ago
I learned that sometimes the woman don't not know their body the way they should and letting another person, even their lover pleasure them means letting go and that something they just don't want to do? maybe??
Just dropping a little something.
JMHamilton1 2 years ago 4
thank you for this video
5pecular 2 years ago
you;'re so beautiful and intelligent this video really clicked with me. your "theory" absolutely aplies to me. thank you for making this :)
stupidwannabe 2 years ago
Great questions !
southernedgeimages 2 years ago
but seriously you are ridiculously hot, its just not right. Makes everyone else look ugly (except my GF shes slightly hotter than U)
upsetgamer 4 years ago
i know this isn't the topic but i have a problem! Say you watch a guy you know cheating on a girl you personally dislike and try to tell this girl and she doesn't believe you because of your past together and the guy says it never happened. I don't know what to do and i need help.
luv2bball 4 years ago 31
If they won't believe it... and lies are accepted, there is nothing you can do. It's not your situation.
kicesie 4 years ago
ok thanks
luv2bball 4 years ago 13
I think a lot of why some women don't want to recieve oral sex has to do with the way our society defines the gender roles. Though it is changing some, women are still shown as weak and submissive. Any woman shown as strong in popular culture is a "bad girl", and the empowerment and self assurence we needed to allow a man to give us pleasure is being presented to us a bad or amoral.
mysticladyrachel 4 years ago 20
I recieved oral pleasure for the first time and did not enjoy it... for a long time I refused oral pleasure.... then i gave into one guy who i was extremely comfortable with... i enjoyed it immensley. i refused the pleasure because the first time it was given to me the guy did not know how to please me where the second guy could.... other women could be having this problem. Alot of times guys dont realize that all women are different and find different things pleasurable
amberthe1andonly 4 years ago 32
Yeah, comminication is key.
kicesie 4 years ago
your vids rock, and unfortunately sexual assult does happen, and sorry but i gotta say that i dont agree with the whole 1/4 women will be beaten or raped statistic...i looked up how this statistic was made and the reason its as high as 1/4 is because the definition of rape used for this statistic wasnt actually about actual rape...
falcostrife 4 years ago
1 in 3 will she sexually assaulted. This includes molestsations, sexual battery, rape, etc. Does that somehow make it less awful? I hardly think so.
kicesie 4 years ago
My partner is understanding, but I'm not sure what I can do to get myself to the point where I'm able to release control like that. It's not just with my partner either. I've never had an orgasm by myself either.
terraminuit 4 years ago 9
...I think I do deny pleasure..I've never orgasmed and it's not because I've never been able to get that stimulated. I've just..not been able to go of the control over my body. I've never been assaulted so I'm not sure why I do this, but I have gotten to the point where I feel like I need to orgasm, but I've never been able to just..let go.
terraminuit 4 years ago
I was, until recently, dating a woman who had been raped, and had no prior experience when it happened. She shut down, and it was a really difficult process getting her to open up again. A woman who has been abused is often afraid of sex, and even after she's become comfortable with it, she may be wary of the feelings of loss of control that sometimes accompany orgasm. Anyway, I hope that you find this helpful, and keep up the awesome work.
malreth2007 4 years ago
i don`t have a problem with my girlfriend recieving pleasure but she she sure does not like to give it back she more content to recieve then say she`s not in the mood any more or she wants to enjoy her orgasm and puts me and my pleasure out of her mind . selfish? so i have refused to give oral pleasure and that also causes fights but it stops the one way street effect.
bpesce 4 years ago 5
Very interesting stuff.
You keep mentioning sexually assulted or physically assulted... Let's not forget verbal abuse or "emotionaly assult" That crap builds up over time and can really take a toll!
The last phsical relationship I was in, I kept refusing oral. Um... not sure why. Maybe I thought she was bad at it... Wierd though. This requires further examination :).
DougCube 4 years ago 7
hi
i think that the woman in the story you told might be just not comfortable to the idea of oral sex, maybe for "respect" reasons as it is in some cultures.
As for the main issue in this vid. i totally agree with you. control is certainly entangled with personal security.
others see that control of pleasure allows for clearer mind state (as some religions might put it) because it stops distraction from reality. but that might not always be true!
yaz20100 4 years ago
Women have to stop lusting after the bad boy type. They want a bad boy and get a bad boy.
EarlCamembert 4 years ago 4
well..I don't let my bf give me oral sex, I don't really say NO! when he does..but I kindda pull him up after like a minute..and I've told him before that I don't really want him doing it.
why you say? well, it feels good and all, but I don't think he enjoy it very much, and I'm kindda self-concious about how it tastes/smells..and since I get the vibe that he's not enjoying it very much, it makes me very uncomfortable.
leeleena 4 years ago
Yes, knowing if your partner is enjoying it is vital to enjoying it yourself!
kicesie 4 years ago
So if women can deny pleasure without even knowing that they do, because of a traumatic event, does that mean that they can't pleasure themselves..
drebecca3 4 years ago
You are really smart and you're right deep conversation. Great addition to the youtube community, honestly.
Cd3 4 years ago 3
i had a very hard and confusing life i have been through so much that just thinking about my past makes me angry & sad,and i think may be its because of that that me & my husband don't really have a sex life and this is ruining our relationship and marriage
hamrivia 4 years ago 2
I think that what you said is true. Having a sense of control in our lives is a crucial element because it helps us feel safe. When someone is sexually or physically abused,that safety is gone. I can see how having control of pleasure allows a feeling of safety. The psychologist Maslow rated human needs, and the first three in order are: survival, safety, and touch. That is a potent combination where all three affect each other in an abuse situation.
naturalval 4 years ago
Maslow's hierarchy of needs is actually dead center to this whole discussion, though I didn't make that link till you said it. The more you understand it the more it applies. Hrmm, I'll go see if I can't put all these thoughts into words. Thanks!
kicesie 4 years ago
You're welcome. I'm glad you see the link as well. My view: I see our sexual energy as being a potent element to our vitality. And when it is violated by another human being we are shaken down to the core of our being and have to re-evaluate our view of the world in order to come to terms with being abused. So taking control of our pleasure gives us some of control that we translate into feeling safe. That may be what leads some women, and some men, into denying themselves sexual pleasure.
naturalval 4 years ago 3
Kimberly, you are engaged to a very lucky man.
Peco468 4 years ago
Thanks for great video:)
Satori1800 4 years ago 2
Another problem with sexual assalt is that it stains someones sexual identity. alot of people blame themselves, or "sex" in itself, and it hinders their ideas of sex. Also alot of girls are taught about sex being dirty. People are taught not to express sexuality untill a certain maturity, which although is good, can also put a negative conotation on sex in the longterm.
algouletisgod 4 years ago
Amazing the depth of response to this post. Thanks for raising it, as a man all I can contribute is to listen. As any active adult with fantasies.............
alecdolan 4 years ago
Part 1: Great topic, however I have some information that might shed some light. It's been a while since I worked with rape victims but I found this excerpt from a rape site that put it pretty well.
"It's common among both male and female rape victims, to feel guilty because the attack resulted in their body responding literally against their will. Their mind associates this with "pleasure" they weren't supposed to
Reshazedek 4 years ago
A quote from a book i am reading I thought had a thought on that subject. It goes like this "One of the tragedies of modern life is that women as a whole do not hold a lot of power in society, despite all the advances made in the last century. Sexual choice, however, is one of the only areas where a women are disputably in control.
thephantomtravler 4 years ago
It's not until they've made a choice, and submitted to it, that the relationship is inverted-and the male is generally back in a position of power over her. Perhaps that is why women, to the frustration of men everywhere, are so cautious about saying yes." -Neil Strauss-
thephantomtravler 4 years ago
I know what you're talking about. I dated a Lady that had been raped with a knife at her throat. We were engaged when it happened and even though the guy was caught and went to prison, it took her a long time to even trust me let alone anyone else. That includes in the bed also.
dougie5552000 4 years ago
Sweet dreams are made of these. Who am I to disagree?
BlinkerBoyEd 4 years ago
don't screw the dicky...the dicky screws you
fwrocks 4 years ago
I have done a small amount of research on the effects of rape and was surprised to discover that certain feelings of pleasure are "automatic" some sort of in built response to sex and that women often get these feeling during rape. This can lead to emotional issues surounding these feelings in a relationship. Because these feelings are in some way a reminder of a trauma they are automatically supressed emotionally. I was shocked when I was told ths.
POPPY1974 4 years ago
mmm... this problem is ten fold when it's women raping men (yes, it happens, and it happens more than most would think. I get at least a message a week from a someone new about it). A good percentage of the time women don't stop raping the men until he orgasms, thus leading to a TON of confusion, guilt, etc...
kicesie 4 years ago
Women are as complex as the stars. In short, some women go introverted and others exhibit the opposite "on the surface". In any relationship these days with the number you quoted as in some ways damaged by assault, I think it is important for the guy to allow her to have control during intimate times. Let her take her time and hopefully, these feeling come back.
RetrofitIam 4 years ago
Unless your completely comfortable with yourself and your surroundings, you cant let go. For women who have been assaulted the feeling is magnified. Not only are they uncomfortable, but the terror of losing control again makes it very difficult to loosen up and enjoy the moment. To reach orgasm when your mind is reeling, watching every movement and struggling to keep control of the situation is impossible.
addyction 4 years ago
If a woman doesn't want to have sex, then maybe the man doesn't turn her on. If she wants to have sex but can't push herself to do so, she has some sort of insecurity issue.
Nefitara 4 years ago
The thing with me is not that I dont feel pleasure, it's I don't want anyone else to give it to me. I have no desire to have sex with anyone. I kinda fit in the asexual catagory, but i have attractions, hormones, just don't wanna take the next step, ever.
borndemented86 4 years ago
If you don't mind me asking here... when you imagine taking that next step, with someone else, what emotion does it bring up? Fear? Disgust? Anxiety? Distaste? anything?
kicesie 4 years ago
And this idea that a woman hasn't orgasmed just because she hadn't been with the right guy yet is actually quite silly and research doesn't support it at all. Anorgasmic women are not women who are missing out on the correct technique. Do some research on it. It's interesting....
kicesie 4 years ago
while I agree in theory, in practice having the right partner is important. firstly, let me just say that everyone is wired differently, both physically and emotionally, so every individual experience will be different in this regard. But technique, to me, should mean more than just simple physics. It should men having a partner who is caring, responsive, patient, understanding, and very much emotionally present, as well as physically.
theistus 4 years ago
It isn't that the partner 'fixes' the issue, it is that the partner can help facilitate in a profound physical and emotional awakening. The real work/achievement is done by the woman herself, but their partner can provide the emotional backdrop of support and caring that allows that work to take place.
theistus 4 years ago
As a woman becomes more secure in her sense of self, her value, and her ability to give and receive pleasure and power, her worthiness of love and happiness, that sense of self can more easily manifest itself in a physical relationship. As we learn to accept and love ourselves, become comfortable with ourselves physically and emotionally, we can more fully give ourselves to others, in any number of ways.
theistus 4 years ago
So having the right person there to help us through that process of self discovery and healing is important. But it is far more than mere mechanics, of course.
theistus 4 years ago
My argument is that these men who write to me are truly loving and patient, kind and skilled, supportive and caring, comforting and respectful, etc. Still, there remains an issue.
kicesie 4 years ago
Though I don't disagree with you. Please don't think I'm saying that.
kicesie 4 years ago
Actually, if someone wanted to give me 1000 (and not annonymously) I'd probably not take it... because I'd be worried about what was expected in return... because I'd be confused why. Because I would feel like a charity case. Because... well the list goes on.
kicesie 4 years ago
"Never aired" LOL uploaded you mean?
filthiestfish 4 years ago
Well uploaded and aired could be the same, right? ;-)
kicesie 4 years ago
You are lovely Kicesie :-)
Have a nice day! XXXX
filthiestfish 4 years ago 2
be*
pongman 4 years ago
Wow, you are getting very deep with this sex ed. course; which I find most fascinating. With regards to the women I've had the pleasure of having sexual encounters with, I can only remember one who was frigid.( Inhibited sexual desires) I think there was an emotional problem with her and yes I agree she may have been sexually assaulted, or maybe just one of those Judeo/Christian/Muslim things. (lol, just trying to politically correct.)
pongman 4 years ago
Judeo/Christian/Muslim things? o.O My goodness do you really believe that because someone is brought up in environment that teaches them not to have sex before marriage, they are frigid? I mean not that i agree with the ideaology and the way especially muslims treat their daughters virginity like something they POSSESS. But still, the way you put it seems absurd.
ancovicka10 4 years ago
I can't speak for all christianity, but much of what I've seen not only says not to have sex until you're married, but implies a dirtiness about it all. Books on why masturbating is sinful... I've seen them... I found them in our church's library as a child... I heard from other christian raised kids... There is this joke of irony about it: "Sex is really dirty. That why you only share it with the one you love." heh... how sad... but many people are taught that way.
kicesie 4 years ago
What literally drives me insane is the intentional misinterpretation of the bible... God wants man to have sexual pleasure with his wife... Masturbation is deemed dirty because of the lustful thinking that tends to go with it... you should not lust after a woman/man like that. That is the issue that is before masturbation. If you can do it without the lusting of someone else then you are fine. But????
thephantomtravler 4 years ago
Oh it's not that i do not agree people are [unfortunately] taught that way. Agnostic myself, I live in a muslim family atm and there it's even more extreme...a girl who'd have sex or any sexual contact[yes, think just kissing] would be a disgrace for whole family & sinful, dirty..as you say. My only point was that it still does not make them frigid..some accept it & wait, some break the rules & feel guilty...some are stuck in the middle ground & feel very frustrated.
ancovicka10 4 years ago
I don't like the word frigid, but I think guilt over being sexual doesn't disappear the moment you're married, even if in concept it's supposed to... and so we have people who live with constant guilt. Not everyone, no! And I don't think people who are raised religiously are any more 'frigid' than everyone else, but I think there is a dicotomy in how we're feeling about sex. I imagine a whole video should be on that though....
kicesie 4 years ago
Well clearly the ideas are out there. That's why you have people like Pastor Joe Beam trying to undo those ideas. There was a good piece on him and what he does on MSNBC America unzipped with links to his website.
Elk4758 4 years ago
I don't know if that's the same Joe Beam that's on a Montel clip here on youtube, but if so, I'm impressed. He says toward the end the best thing a couple can do is give each other permission to tell the truth, no matter what it is. I've always said that! It's great to hear someone else say.
kicesie 4 years ago
I just checked and yes that's him.
Elk4758 4 years ago
well, you're right there's so much to talk about...I would definitely appreciate such video & B bet lots of people out there would have a lot to say about this...
ancovicka10 4 years ago
Of course it's different according to what kind of muslim background are you from, some are more reform, others not... But personally i have been shocked to talk to some muslim girls - college educated, brought up in america etc...who openly told me they wanna get married [means asking parents for arranged marriage] asap after college...just coz it's 1) a thing to do for a woman 2)to get this sexual frustration over with o.O.
ancovicka10 4 years ago
confused :-/
schoolsout655 4 years ago
If the former is true, then I guess, as your observation goes, her reaction against pleasure is a much more deep-rooted & unconscious thing, whereas for the later (where she is resisting the urge), she is atleast conscious of her natural tendency to feel pleasure, hence making her "feel" the conflict within? Atleast in the later, she might think of visiting a shrink whereas in the former she might not even be "aware" of her pleasure-denying behavior?
What do you say, Kimberly?
anujdasgupta 4 years ago
I mean, in such a case, does a woman loose a major capability to feel pleasure or does she restrict herself not to feel so even if she wants to?
anujdasgupta 4 years ago
In NOT letting go, is there a conflict inside, as in the body wants to let go but the mind doesnot (bcoz of the mind holding on to the past), Or, is it that the very urge to let go doesn't even arise?
anujdasgupta 4 years ago
i class pedophiles, rapists as people who cant control themselves and should be kept away from people or be monitored there whole life because they cant be trusted.
pauldonald 4 years ago
What an Excellent thought provoking video! Keep up the Great work!
Bet12than6 4 years ago
I understand perfectly why a person who was assaulted would have difficulty trusting and "letting themselves go". That said, many women with no such background have problems too. The root cause of a lot of this is still parents who insist on raising boys and girls differently. For boys, sex is good and more sex is better. Girls have to operate within some artificail framework to make it okay lest there be a stigma attached. No wonder so many females throw in the towel on this!
paul20072007 4 years ago
agreed!
kicesie 4 years ago
Wow,really informational.Jenna Jameson was sexually assaulted by a whole football team in her home town in Montana that's why she is in porn because she gets to control it.I being a guy wouldn't want to be with a girl who didn't totally trust or feel completely safe with me. I would wait for the sex, until an emotional bond formed, as a guy how does that make us look when you don't take the time to share the emotional as well as the pleasurable aspects. Im @~ on your myspace lol ...tc
acedmnd77 4 years ago
Hmm.... interesting... a lot (certainly not all) porn actresses have been assaulted. And I never really saw being in porn as an act of control, but I can see it now.
kicesie 4 years ago
I find it hard to believe that an entire football team would sexually assault that girl.
filthiestfish 4 years ago
Depending on a situation, stats say that a significant number of rapes a gang rapes (which means more than 1 in assailant is involved). And I've read cases where up to 15 have been involved. I don't think that constitutes an entire team, but could, figuratively, be said... dunno... maybe someone should look it up, see if it can be cooberated (is that the word? lol)
kicesie 4 years ago
Kicesis... I can understand your take on denial or lack of pleasure when a woman has been assaulted or molested? In 40 years of marriage she has never had an orgasm from intercourse, only manual stimulation and not often at that. One time when she/we had been drinking I went down on her and she had a really good verbal orgasm. Before and since she just doesn't like it. Got an answer? And yes I am a pretty good guy.
RevFastEddy 4 years ago
Do keep in mind that nearly ALL women need direct clitoral stimulation to orgasm. So when manually stimulating her perhaps use a bit of lube on your finger.... it can help a lot. Nothing wrong with only getting her off that way! It does help if that happens first and penetration later.... orgasming before a guy enters a girl makes her body simply much more ready, relaxed, etc... and it just feels better in the end. :-)
kicesie 4 years ago
Wow, I never quite thought about it like that. I think you nailed it.
As far as the cure, I don't know, maybe you'll have to come up with that, too. Maybe a woman could see the act of giving her ability to experience uncontrolled pleasure over to her lover as her deliberate act of power. That might gradually remove the illusion that she can't control who she trusts.
TheGiantRobot 4 years ago
very interesting video, i knew a woman who was seriously abused as a young toddler in her teens and twenties she became extremely promiscuous but had never reached an orgasm the men she was promiscous with she explained to me as being a challenge to her where if she had sex with many men and walked away she felt that she was empowering herself in some way and felt a sense of superiority....
ripster100 4 years ago
Plus they probably liked her a whole lot more than she liked them.... thus having power over the situation.....
kicesie 4 years ago
I feel that if you're in a relationship with someone, you should feel safe. If not, don't be in a relationship.
TerryG2k 4 years ago
But what about those of us who never feel safe? Or, who learn, from healthy relationships, how to feel safe again? It's not necessarily the guy/girl making us feel uneasy, it's our past...
But I think I understand what you meant.
kicesie 4 years ago
my ex was like this...we'd be having sex and all of a sudden she would just freeze up and not want me to touch her(she was raped twice). She just needed to be held and told that she was ok and I loved her and I would never hurt her and everything was fine. Love,time and understanding is a must.
chotwheels 4 years ago
hmmmmm i wonder what kind of feedback would occur if a guy actually started talking about this stuff (just a thought) its okay for a woman or girl to ask these kind of questions....but if a guy did this kind of thing....BAM...the dude would be flagged as a sex offender, or at MINIMUM be reported. i haven't watched all of the vids....yet..i dont know if they really intrest me..
Pathogen82 4 years ago
If he asked her if she'd been assaulted in her past he'd be flagged as a sex offender? Maybe I'm not following cause that makes no sense.
kicesie 4 years ago
Pathogen was trying to imply that you, Kim, would be labeled a "sex offender" if you were male and had created these videos.
f00kin1337 4 years ago
lol. I know of many youtubers who address the issue of sex in much more crude manners. So if that's what he meant, it's the stupidest comment I've gotten to date.
kicesie 4 years ago
Well, it took a lot of time before she could really get those walls down and trust me and open up to me, and I guess the right thing was to get close to her as a friend slowly and assuring her that it's not about just some physical thing I want but that I respect her as a person and care about her in an emotional way.
DoctorTaimour 4 years ago
I wonder, if in a situation where the woman is sexually agressive *because* she feels that's all men want from her anyway... perhaps the best thing to do is lovingly and with gentleness tell her that you want to know and love who she is before you ever become physically intimate with her. I think it'd throw her for a loop. Something similar to that won me over with my now fiance. :-)
kicesie 4 years ago
That's what happened in kinda way! just with a much slower pace :-) but you're right, it worked at the time, but like I said in the first comment it was an old experience with an ex. Right now I'm still stuck with the issue I've talked to you about.
DoctorTaimour 4 years ago
This could leave some traces in her sub-conscious that reveal itself as asexuality, anorgasmia or even just treating the guy badly as she unconsciously is not comfortable to open up to him and accept him as a friend or a lover even if she's actually in a serious relationship.
DoctorTaimour 4 years ago
That makes here uncomfortable and aggressive in here relationships with the other sex as she senses that she is not treated and thought of as a person but only a pleasure tool.
DoctorTaimour 4 years ago
thanks for this vid, somethings did click for me, ... sry for no specifics.
Orion8888 4 years ago
I guess it's more complicated than just refusing to accept pleasure, but rather it's a sub-conscious protest against being mistreated and being looked down to. From a personal experience with a girl I've known sexual assault leaves the girl with a deep feeling of being unrespected and that she's thought of only as a sex tool.
DoctorTaimour 4 years ago
A feeling that I've experienced as a man, is that, if you let someone give you pleasure, you're giving them some control over you -- not in the act itself necessarily, but, kind of in a behavioral psychology sense, giving pleasure is a way to control someone: if you accept pleasure, you're subjecting yourself to potential manipulation.
DClaudeKatz 4 years ago
i think its the feeling of pleasure that is felt during an assault violent / sexual (i know they are often have the same cause roots, dif sub ) or during childhood is confusing and can/dose cause a deep guilt , :thinking :"if it wrong y did feel good (body response to touch) ,I am a bad person, later thinking ,, I wonted it desired it , it was my fault , ect " the body is a sensory origin and responds accordingly the mind/self is a processing to try to balance social behavior ,
bigeyedgoldfish 4 years ago
Rarely is pleasure felt during a rape (though orgasms, despite not wanting it are reported in a vast minority of cases). Molestations can be a lot trickier as the molester often experiments with the child's pleasures. Guilt can become enormous, etc...
kicesie 4 years ago
OKay so i would say that for women who have been sexually assualted in some way that it may affect their pleasure! maybe they are going back into that event where they didnt have control and by now having it and saying no! they have control over it like you said! but I think if you can try to forgive and try to forgett even though you never will forgett something like that but you will be able to have that pleasure! i hope that was understandable!
mamacitalinda4ever13 4 years ago
I understand even though I don't totally agree.
kicesie 4 years ago
haha yeahh i know i just read it over and i cant agree with it myself bc you probably will still have problems in the pleasure area but what do you disagree with?
mamacitalinda4ever13 4 years ago
Neither forgiving nor 'forgetting' is going to help them sexually.
kicesie 4 years ago
yeahh i totally agree with you but what i meant was that thinking about what happened wont even let you have sex to begin with even though that wasent in the question!
mamacitalinda4ever13 4 years ago
i feel women's pleasures are a build of haveing the enviorment and here partner in a good place, forinstance if she has a great job, great friends, lives as she desire's , and here husband or boyfriend is great or beyond comparison to other men, her pleasure will be GREAT. women are dreamer's !!! and if here dreams become reality here pleasure is magnifiyed for her man!!!! great thought here KIM . I love this 1")
187beyond 4 years ago
Thanks. :-D Wasn't sure... there WAS a reason it never got aired...
kicesie 4 years ago
Because of you I let the monday issue of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? pass unseen. This wasnt really willingly and I feel somehow unpleasant now.
marshyelloh 4 years ago
Oh dear. If I had a million dollars lying around, I'd most certainly send it to you in repayment. :-D
kicesie 4 years ago
It's some intresting thoughts you put forward, but it's really hard to really get what being sexually assulted does to a person for us who've never experienced it. Getting through the shields that's put up can in some cases be impossible, but I think the only thing you can do is be patient, understanding and loving. Maybe express that you want to help, and that if she's willing to open up, you are there for her.
Promethevs 4 years ago
Pleasure is what you cant control, because it mirrors your emotions and youll be in conflict with yourself if you oppress or deny it. This leads to hate. Therefore its better to admit, you havent loved it, I guess.
marshyelloh 4 years ago
Very interesting input. Thanks. :-)
kicesie 4 years ago
I think it all boils down to trust. If the female can't trust her partner, then she won't except any pleasure a man tries to give her. In the cases of abused women, I think they have just lost all trust in men and therefore might not accept anything from them. If a woman trusts a man and vice versa everything should smooth sailing (hopefully)!
slackerbum0518 4 years ago
Trust still has to be combined with a technique that works for her unique structure and nerves, etc.... plus, anti-depressants (which a HUGE portion of society seem to be on) can make orgasm difficult if not impossible... the factors are just a whole lot more than trust. Though trust is a huge one.
kicesie 4 years ago
looks like you have a load of experience! ....a LOT of experience... what's yur thought on BDSM
chad5161 4 years ago
BDSM is a topic I've tried to make a video on for a very long time and it simply doesn't want to be made. Maybe it never will be made... who knows. I respect the community at large and embrace a lot of their principles of safety and knowledge. It's due to this respect for the community I doubt a video will be made until someone active and extremely knowledgeable in the field wants to be interviewed...
kicesie 4 years ago
Well I remember reading something from a while ago that a study was done to determine why females are not having good sex. According to this reading, about 22-24% are just...not really interested in sex. The reason sited as to why was because those women surveyed were more concerned about other life aspects like, having enough money, having a place to live, children, etc.
WhoaKid2 4 years ago
I'm wondering if this is a combination of low desire disorders, adversion disorders and asexuality.
kicesie 4 years ago
My girlfriend was raped.. And it took her a long time to accept to have sex or think about it, i completely respected her and would never push her boundaries only when she is ready do i do anything. I think about your video it's very insighting the 1 in 4 women are sexually assaulted by that age, that's a shocking fact. Thank you for posting this video it was very informative.
SezDevil 4 years ago
what if the person was not sexuly assaulted in any way at all, what is the reason then that they do not want to be pleasured?
gcoolsnow 4 years ago
Immediate things that come to mind would be (and please note I have not researched women on this this issue) control, fear of losing control, fear of disappointing the other person {truly not being ABLE to orgasm}, guilt, shame regarding their body, lck of experience with their body (never masturbated and still won't, etc). Neural pathways must be built... and older you wait to build them the harder it can be at times...
kicesie 4 years ago
If a woman has learned for say 15-20 years that men cannot be trusted, it isn't fair to expect her to FULLY trust me in say 2-3yrs. It is up to me to demonstrate that she CAN trust me. Over MANY years.
It is hard work, for BOTH of us.
gr8alias 4 years ago
Definitely; however much I don't enjoy behavioral psychology, to be conditioned for those 15-20 years not to trust men and to be given reason (maybe big, maybe small), those conditioned feelings are responses are extremely engrained and will take a lot to overcome.
kicesie 4 years ago
For her, to push her boundary of trust, and for me in being patient, that she will fully give herself to me. Having known her for 23yrs, and married 19
(separated for 1 of those),
it is only in the last 3-4 years that she is FULLY allowing herself to experience the pleasures of our sexuality without limitations.
gr8alias 4 years ago
That's a beautiful sucess story. It does show that BOTH parties have to be willing to work at it. If one or both aren't willing, progress won't happen. They SAY that 20-25 years into a marriage, the sex is at it's peak! :-D enjoy. you've definitely earned it
kicesie 4 years ago
Just so you know; She was Nearly (he finally stopped), date-raped at 18or19,
but the real distrust was from EVERY man she knew had cheated on their wife/girlfriend.
Father,brother,boyfriends, brother-in-law,
her friends boyfriends, ALL of them!
And your right about the "peak" :-D
thanks for the vids!
D
gr8alias 4 years ago
My X was like that sometimes. She had been abused as a kid, and sometimes she could recieve pleasure, and other times it scarred the hell out of her. I never knew which time was which. Sometimes I was the carring boyfriend / husband, and others I was an "out of controll rapest". For my part my intentions and actions were always the same. in her mind..... that I couldn't do much about.
Zancett 4 years ago
This makes plenty of sense. I hesitate to speculate about this, since it can only really be answered conclusively by women sharing their experiences. But I suspect it happens with more women than only those who have been abused. I've known women, including my ex-girlfriends, who go along with things the guy wants just to be able to stay with him, or to avoid a confrontation of some kind. But if you're just going along, you can't really get into it, can you?
JasonMelancon 4 years ago
this is simple, maybe it's not pleasurable for her. you assume all girls receive preasure by oral sex. whether it's psychological or physically not pleasureable-- whatever.. she doesn't want it. Just like some woman won't give their men oral sex because they don't like sucking on penis. it's a lot deeper than not allowing themselves to receive pleasure.... it's like saying, why won't girls do anal sex?! it's pleasurable! ...not really.
stalkher 4 years ago
I think such statements can only be made by each individual in question.
kicesie 4 years ago