Marriage?

[TheBlarges]

There is no such thing as "white privilege" you fucking idiot, these filthy subhumans flood into our country because of the jews and traitors like yourself. If they don't like it here, there is always THE COUNTRIES THEY CAME FROM AND VISIT FOR VACATION REGULARLY. And in those countries, guess what, they are the racial majority!

If there was such a thing as "racism" why would immigrants come, when 80% of them have relatives here already?

Just marxist babble for gullible fools.

[drbassface]

OK,

How is your life in 2010?

I think that Pre Marital Counseling might be a good choice.

I said I do and all the Love and Sex from my WIfe was reduced to her proclaiming basically that I was a Maid..Not her words but that's been her focus.

No Love, Friendship, Sex, Dates...nothing.

I finally left her after 16 years.

I read the Gottman books and more. Initiated Counseling and always went!

I guess that it's my Wife's Contempt and Stonewalling that finally did it.

[l337pwnage]

Divorce happens for two main reasons, #1 its allowed and more accepted. i.e. you are not ostracized for it and there are no, or very little, requirements anymore, like adultery. and #2 the person who has the least income gets a payday for divorcing. That is a huge temptation.

Marriage is a social construct and nothing more, a 'feel good' piece of paper and pair of rings.

Given how old this vid is, the maker is probably married (and divorced??) by now. lol.

[fruticetum]

The best indicator of divorce is if you have liberal beliefs and lifestyles. If you think sex before marriage is prudish, if you think abortion is fine, or if you don't go to church regularly, you generally have problems in a marriage. You're probably not predisposed to commitment, and unless you've ruled out divorce as a possibility, you're doomed.

One key is never to talk about divorce. Never to say "if we divorce....."

[rainbowmagicness]

Have you heard of love dare the book? (or fireproof the movie) ?? It is a nice way to save a marriage. I am actually doing it with my ex boyfriend now

[drbassface]

Fire proof is a good start,

But have you noticed in the movie that although the Women isn't even trying, it's viewed as if it's the guys fault.

Why is the guy watching porn? Could it be that is Wife is just plain unhappy with her self and has cut off her Love from her husband? Get Dr.Laura's "The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage"...very old testament and new....It makes sense!

Good Luck!

[rainbowmagicness]

Yes I have realised, my ex actually pointed that out. But I'd still think do the love dare even if it was the girls fault.

[drbassface]

My WIfe has been viewing Marriage through the Eyes of "The Wife Must CONTROL the Husband"...I've analyzed this truth and recently I was told of a conversation that she had where she actually referred to Controlling the Husband as something that someone she knows has always been able to do!!!

Fortunately that person replied that She DID NOT try to Control her Husband...Rather that They were BEST FRIENDS and that THEY LOVED EACH OTHER.

Feminism has really helped and HURT relationships.

[reg12269]

@drbassface mostly HURT marriages by being being anti-alpha male. its a good theory for how to dominate weak beta men, lousy for alpha dog men. ask maria shriver and others. alphas want to be heros and appreciated by their wives. they arent going to do most of the housework and listen to a bunch of anti-patriarchal nonsense. so yeah if one wants a mutual guy who makes $ and has status he actually earned, she better be pro-patriarchy and sexually submissive. if alpha feminist, go with beta guy.

[drbassface]

The Problem here is that it seems that many Women, not all, seem to have contempt for their Husbands. They try to control everything about their Husbands lives....taking away eventually what it was that made the Man who he was.

As that process gradually, over time, chips away at the Mans higher purpose, the Man isn't fullfilled or happy, and this is Important...The Woman, by Emasculating the Man...Grows in her contempt for the very Man that She destroyed.

[thestreetdogg]

My Father and Mother have been Married for 33 years. They had their bad times, but the Divorce was not an Option.They worked things out. You see no one is Perfect. But, if u set ur mind to quit for every bad thing that happens to u than u will always quit.

NO marriage Absolutely NO marriage is Perfect, not even near Perfect. Is not supposed to be Perfect, because life is not Perfect.

[JamesTCoaching]

Yay for NPR.. and Blink is a great book!

P.S. ..not getting divorced does not mean you have a successful relationship.. there are couples that stay together for life but are miserable the entire time.

[abdullahyo]

Im married, I feel that the extended family also plays a very important role on holding to a marriage. but you dont have that in the west.

The second most importat thing for a healthy marriage is the ability to compromise, there is no such thing as chemistry as it can change.

All my aunts, uncles, parents, brothers, sisters, every body has lived their spouses for their entire lives.

In my area, I know of only one man who divorced his wife, so from where I come from divorce is very rare.

[acrislazoiu]

or unless it's in high definition

[acrislazoiu]

the television is an advanced painting...

so I don't believe porno is a sin anymore.. unless you meet the actual person...

[acrislazoiu]

I don't feel like a sinner even though I watch porn I no longer feel guilty about it I've been watching it for so long now..

I don't have any real sex and God has not given me aids from touching myself

so I assume it's not a sin because it does not lead to death

and the only lust is from the body of a person who doesn't exist and is a lifeless photographic CLONE of someone else..

refer to cloning when you consider porn a sin I realize now.. How can lusting from The one who is dead be a sin.

[Bethlc81]

If couples would stop focusing on other failed marriages and relationships and imagining them as their own, your relationship would work out for the better.

[DreamMyLife7]

I heard you'll have a better chance of succeeding if both people have graduated college, over 21, don't live together before marriage, and something else. I forget. I think the main thing is treating each other with respect and marrying someone who has the same values. If someone puts you down or is impatient or an unhappy person in general it will never work.

[9GottmanN0]

cute vid :thumbs up:

srry my english is too bad to answer your questions xD

[pogovoreem]

Faintstarlite, when I read about Gottman's idea about contempt in Blink I froze up because that is exactly what happened to me over ten years ago.  One day my wife said outloud, "This place is a mess, so I guess I have to realize that I married a pig." I knew right there that she took a negative trait I had (disorganized) and painted me as a pig. Gottman was right and I am interested to know more about his research. Too bad he doesn't have any videos posted about his work.

[cornbiker]

Sex.. just have sex every hour your awake..

[DianeSumler]

I hope you mean to say MAKE LOVE!!!

[cornbiker]

No I meant SEX..

[faithandjustice]

#1 secret to staying married = honesty. The good, the bad, everything.

[redmark2007]

He successfully predicts 90-95% of which marriages will succeed...if you're speaking about U.S., at the onset, computations would begin with the stat 52% failure rate of marriages. So, he's predicting the outcome of 48% of marriages....right?

[joe187yo]

You have a good marriage when you understand the concept of a balanced exchange -- and I don't mean the type of exchange in sex . . .

[DianeSumler]

Put Jesus first in your marriage, live by his laws, and you will be blessed!

[brownurbany]

yeah...of course....

[redmark2007]

By the laws of Jesus, do you mean "if your eye causes you to sin, it is better to gouge it out..."? Just curious, do yopu have an eye patch?

[DianeSumler]

I am perfectly ok with the eye gouging out thing, and also with cutting the private parts off too if they cause you to be unfaithful and loose your whole marriage and then cause you to go to HELL after this life if you don't repent!

[redmark2007]

Diane: Are you serious? "you are perfectly OK with the eye-gouging thing..." I haven't taken notice of many folks in or out of church wearing eye-patches...have you? Can I infer from this that not many people feel as you do regarding the 'eye-gouging thing? I mean, if they took Jesus' words literally, they would cut away...right? At the risk of being an a--; have you considered converting to Islam?

[DianeSumler]

That verse means that if you cannot get control of your Porno-Demons, then it is better to gouge out your eyes so that you cannot sin anymore, than to die in your sins watching porno and go to hell.

It's like a last ditch drastic measure to take when all else has failed. It is impressing upon people how important it is NOT to go to that literal place called Hell (in the center of the earth)!

And no I would never convert to anything else. I am a forever christian! Jesus is the only way!

[WithBACON]

Jesus or Jebus?

[DianeSumler]

JESUS CHRIST!!! King of Kings and Lord of Lords!!! The one and only!

[WithBACON]

Um. He's dead. And why should an ancient dead dude be a priority in a 21st century marriage anyway?

[DianeSumler]

Umm...He's not DEAD....He is ALIVE and seated at the right hand of God.

If you put Jesus FIRST in your 21st century marriage, you are more likely to NOT become a 21st century divorce statistic because both parties will be watching their lust demons, thus it will be a win-win situation all around!

[WithBACON]

Whatever floats your boat, lady. But if the dead dude (Jesus) was so happening, how come he didn't have a successful marriage himself? Was he gay? Not that there's anything wrong with that, of course. Gay dead dudes are fine by me.

[AmmorF]

My wife and I have been very happily married for 9 years because:

1- We were very attracted to each other sexually and we work on keeping it that way

2- We talk a lot about important and trivial things and we do a lot of things together

3- We sweet-talk each other all the time to keep the good feeling fresh

4- We know when to avoid each other's bad moods

5- We forgive each other easily and we don't dwell on who is the offender

6- We ignore outside influence

[mjhacker]

I've been married for 3 1/2 years. I think that the secret for marital success is understanding your spouse, their needs, and being able to work together. If you can do that, you're going to have a bumpy ride.

[686204]

There are good times and bad times in a marriage. The ability to live through the bad times is the key to maintaining a marriage. In a lot of cases one partner or the other will give up when rough times develop in a marriage. This in most cases is when contempt also developes. A lot of people are too willing to accept defeat in their marriage relationship when difficult times come along!

[sasha8988]

Hey I just got done reading The Marriage Clinic for my masters program in counseling psych... it has changed my life... a condensed version of this huge scientific research text is called the seven principles for making marriage work... its great! and also if you liked blink, read The tipping point! Enjoy :)

[Hoabart]

The four horsemen of the Marriage Apocalypse:

4. Criticism

3. Stonewalling

2. Defensiveness

1. Contempt

[kohrsthomas]

Hellololilalu,

many people do make things just complicated by asking to many things.

Why don´t they just live it? How do you keep beeing together?!!? Just by living life as it was before you signed a paper. It is just a paper, aye? Love and the relationship you had will NOT change. Love each other. Sorry for my english, but I am trying...

[credulity96]

I read one of his books when I was searching for some answers because of a relationship I was in that was beginning to turn bad. I'd say he is dead on. The four horseman are sure signs that there are severe problems and that one or both of you see the other as an enemy or a detriment. Of course, in 10% of his research couples that mentality was overcome.

[77057206631113]

"He's gonna ask me"..mmm ...you bet

[stalkher]

have you found the answer to this question  yet?

[BarbarraBay]

Sister. The Enlightened One also taught a good marriage requires another set of four qualities: (1) honesty/straightforwardness; (2) moral training or development; (3) patience, endurance, tolerance; and (3) generosity & sacrifice. Are you true to yourself? Have you made your true aspirations clear to the other person? Are both of you unconfused about what your long-term goals in life are? Or are both of you just obtaining comfort and warmth in romantic self-indulgence?

[BarbarraBay]

The Enlightened One taught a good marriage requires four similar qualities in each partner. 1. The same faith & goals; 2. the same virtue, ethics, goodness & morals; 3. the same generosity & sacrifice; and 4. the same wisdom, views & intelligence.

[BarbarraBay]

Sister. I good marriage requires humility and virtue. Humility is having moderate desires and being aware of your own 'weaknessness' that cause you to marry; such as your own fears, loneliness or instinctual longings. Virtue is honoring 'goodness', self-respect, gentleness, caring and sharing, serving mutual needs. Both people require to be strong is goodness and wisdom.

[popehatt]

I don't believe there are any guarantees on how a relationship will go, but honesty and respect go a long way. My ex and I mutually divorced after 7 years but still remain good friends even though we now lead separate lives. Hopefully, you will know when you are ready for it and won't end up as some materialistic Stepford-ass soccer mom living in the burbs.

[PuttingOnTheFoil]

Communication. Flexibility. Understanding. Reasonable expectations. These are enormously important. Contempt? Yeah, that sounds like a relationship killer to me.

[apeppink]

Prayer and a lot of work at it are the only ways I know to sustain a marriage. It's worked for my wife and myself for 35 yrs. now. We're usually pretty happy with each other, but not always. Arguments are no fun though making up is.

[SuportsSegredation]

women are natures punching bags

[xx1212]

If I marry a girl like you I'll be half-way there.

[sunnyguy13]

(Continued from previous post due to 500 character restriction for each post)

"If you put all this to the brothers, you will be a good servant of Christ Jesus and show that you have really digested the teaching of the faith and the good doctrine which you have always followed".

[sunnyguy13]

1 Timothy Chapter 4 Verses 1-6

"The Spirit has explicitly said that during the last times some will desert the faith and pay attention to deceitful spirits and doctrines that come from devils, seduced by the hypocrisy of liars whose consciences are branded as though with a red-hot iron: they forbid marriage and prohibit foods which God created to be accepted with thanksgiving by all who believe and who know the truth".

[FastThought]

30 years this November.

Just pick carefully, be lucky and keep at it just like you did with weight loss. And don't worry about it too much. Put the other person first, and pick someone that will do the same - and forgive them when they don't.

[ingraban99]

contempt? if that's your number one issue my marriage (~10 years) is certainly not in any trouble :-) my 2p: if you marry and you want it to last through good and bad (!) times, it's a bold decision. you'll need committment.

[zac4at]

Whoever this girl is, she is a freaking idiot. I watched her white privilege video and she is so full of crap and also, YOU'RE BORING!! I'm not listening to your garbage!!!

[leotakesleo]

lets have neverending frienzees....lol.....i just kinda bumped across ur videos....and aaaw .....soft spoken....cute......nice smile......is sitting there....lets be frienz.....hehe

[deathshead13]

yer purdy!

[illusivemcsorley]

I know a few couples that do not get along but stay together throughout the years. I don't understand why. Marriage conjurs up images of the white picket fence family house and I romanticise the idea of it to the point where it is probably no longer relevant in today's society.

[JasonVz]

*yawn*

Rub your cute place for me...

[bullmeister82]

LMAO at 2:32!!!

[raunchculture2]

Here's what doesn't work: monogamy.

I'm completely serious!

[velvetchick]

I agree with you totally, its not natural!

[cwbernard]

(We have built a series of legal and financial ties that almost serve the same purpose as marriage.)

[cwbernard]

I have been in a close relationship for many years - I think of myself as emotionally married, you might say, and neither of us sees a good reason (yet) to legalize our relationship, neither of us being either religious in a traditional sense or very impressed by the legal reasons for marriage.

[cwbernard]

Personally, I feel marriage to be truly necessary only when a couple intends to have children, since children need a solid emotional basis and legal and economic protection for their lives.

[patriotaction]

You're doing a great thing by reading up on relationships and marriage now. I did the same thing. I don't have a perfect marriage, but I did try to prepare to be a good husband before I was ever engaged to my wife. The one word I could tell you that means the most is "selflessness".

[SirIsaacNewton]

I am not married or even close but I've read a few of H. Norman Wright's books and two stands out as offered great insights into who a woman is depends alot on her father's relationship with her: "Always Daddy's Girl". Understanding it will definitely provide some good foundation into future (or in your case, current) relationship.

(cont..)

[vadiku]

OK, faintstarlite, show us his pix if you want a quality opinion and you don't afraid.

If you think psychology works, you can't deny the fact, some people can read the personalities by looking at a picture. May be it's time to dump him?

[bullmeister82]

What? No response to this cat? How should I take this?

[ArchNME]

Also, you got to be able to argue and get your point across and be cool about it. Like if stuff isn't getting resolved at the end of your arguments or you avoid starting arguments cus you don't like having them, your relationship is just fucked, imho anyway

[ArchNME]

I'm single but this is something I've actually thought about a lot. I think most people have too romantic a view of things, like they perfection. People going into marriage I think should be friends first, you should be cool with them on that level where you can say anything. The opposite of contempt is respect, I don't mean the respect in the "be nice and respectful type of way" but genuine respect, like a feeling that what the other person has to say matters.

[brokendave]

Say it ain't so!

[rodentrage]

Maybe you ought to ask yourself whether marriage is a valuable institution anymore in the US. I have my doubts about it and told my girlfriend about it. She seemed to take it ok, but sometimes I wonder whether in the back of her mind whether she wants it differently. Fortunately for me, she never presses me on the issue. I'm not considering being with anyone else, but the idea of marriage seems crazy to me still. It seems like I'd be suggesting myself to unnecessary financial risk.

[Drogula26]

Respect,trust,communication,pa­tience,forgivness,lust,underst­anding,laughter,support, LUCK and all the other little things that make up LOVE.I've been married for 15 years, it's not always been easy but it's always been a pleasure.

[Lateralist]

Well my folks got engaged a couple of weeks after meeting each other, on the campaign trail for Jimmy Carter of all places, and they've been together for 30 years and going strong.

From observing them I would probably say constant open communication and mutual respect have been the keys to their success... that worked for them anyways

[SIRVERFOX]

When my wife and i first got married...We become (ONE)we did almost everything together..we would talk out any problems..we would take care of each other when sick...And that was till the end..i lost my wife of 44 years just 3 years ago..So...i'm just waiting to be with her again..i'm 71 now..had a great life...

[faintstarlite]

Thanks for sharing something so personal - that's an unimaginable loss, and yet you seem to have found comfort. It's beautiful that you spent most of your adult lives together - what a fabulous gift.

[reg12269]

@faintstarlite i apologize, just sent u a note. assumed all ur videos had been closed to comments after viewing ur white priv one. hope u have found marriage or relational compatibility. if an alpha fem, find love w/weak beta male or alpha who likes to debate +fight. if beta not indoctrinated in nonsense of most women's studies and hyper feminist anti-alpha male rhetoric, find yourself a $-making alpha male u can patriarchly +sexually submit to +that will provide for u and your kiddies.

[HurtlockerTwo]

That is very sad, but I bet she had a good life being loved by you!

[looklistenandrepeat]

I feel for you. I'm 49 and lost my wife 7 years ago. There is pain. Tomorrow is a new day ... Actually, right now is a new moment ... A lot of people told me to be stong, to bear up ... I didn't like that. I had to feel it. Today I've completely 'recovered' but I guess she lives on in my heart, funnily enough even though our relationship wasn't good towards the end. Hang on in there, Sirverfox. Michael

[happyseaurchin]

so what you are saying is, you can't call it in friends or family, so you question your ability to work out your own?

what's your natural default: trust immediately or distrust and people have to prove themselves first?

[faintstarlite]

Actually I'm cautiously optimistic, I'm not particularly worried about getting married & then getting divorced. I was mostly just illustrating how difficult it is to tell which relationships will work & which ones will fall apart, which was why I'm impressed by Gottman's ability to so accurately predict the outcome. My natural default: trust until I see signs to do otherwise, at which point they'll need to prove themselves.

[wowJhil]

A relationship is ofcourse very complex, but I would say some personalities makes it a lot easier then others to make the relationship successful! And that applies to phase in life etc. Probably the biggest mistake is to believe that the first crush is how it's going to be for years to come. However, it's probably very soon the rule of group psychology changes everything as the love leaves for the every day issues.

[HurtlockerTwo]

Esther - Watch my video titled "I love my wife"? I can't envision not being with my wife.

[faintstarlite]

Hey thanks for directing me to your video.. it was very sweet & heartfelt. =)

[wazo89]

Being a 23 year old man I can't say I know what makes marriage work. However my experience with friends and family tells me theirs no easy way to tell weather marriage will work because people can change their desires interests and even feelings can change,, circumstances can change, its not anyones fault but life is complex and making marriage work is difficult in todays world. I think trust honesty life and most of all being good mates is the best chance of making marriage work.

.

[SonofNewo]

I don't think divorce is necessarily a bad thing.

You didn't get in to how this guy made his predictions really, but from what I've heard the best predictors are "traditional values". According to that, the reason some marriages stay together longer than others is mainly because their religious and/or social beliefs keep divorce from becoming an option.

I don't think relationships have to last a lifetime to be valuable. 2c

[faintstarlite]

You're right I didn't - he actually videotaped couples talking about an issue that was a source of tension in the marriage, and then scored them on all kinds of reactions & behaviors. I think you're right that relationships don't have to last a lifetime to be valuable, but isn't that the goal when you get married - til death do us part?

[saberwok]

I think the length of a marriage is the wrong metric to study. At least it is of secondary importance to happiness and fulfillment. I have seen long, tortuous marriages do more damage than divorces.

[glider007]

how come a relationship which comes to the end be valuable? . if it is valuable why do a couple would end it and turn it into a history???

[SonofNewo]

because things change. Not every friend has to be friends for a lifetime, even if those are the words you say.

[mgpapas]

I have a 100% record so far.

[display1212]

You're listening to the wrong radio station.

[faintstarlite]

What radio station do you suggest?

[saberwok]

bbc