@adow2010 That's a valid point. The bottom line is, if you're active in your addiction/codependency, you don't know for sure. Love is a verb & behavior. I was challenged once as to how did I know I loved my ex being that I was behaving codependently for years with her. The answer was that once I entered my recovery I gave her an additonal year of my life with very strict boundaries, including no sex, outtings, etc, & felt closest to her then. She admitted this had the opposite effect 4 her.
You had me at the superman shirt! LOL. Seriously, very informative and good for you. I'm glad we reconnected in a positive way now. Don't let anyone take advantage of you ever again.
@TeenaK66 What can I say here re? I wish I had gotten help back in college during our time. All the wasted years can't be taken back. At least I won't be wasting any more.... I'm glad we reconnected as well.
I thought your piece here was very informative...and I have always found inspiration in things you say...Thank you for your insight and keep being strong...
I am proud of you and all you've accomplished. I continue to learn from your shares. I think you're one of the most incredible people I know and I know you'll get a very special lady who loves you. Keep it up!
@glitrgurl2004 Happy to be of use. Things don't change, WE change. I am becoming increasingly whole and will be able to present that to someone who will be able to accept it.
This was a little over my head. But you look good. I know you tried to rescue me and I'm sorry if I ever let you down. I didn't know what I had. But I love you always!
@Sweetlady882000 Thanks for the support. I know you didn't know better at the time. We're good now. I'm glad you found your way and that we can be healthy friends now.
You sound like a professor...lol. All good info. Hard to imagine you with an alcoholic or someone addicted to drugs. How are you doing these days? Is there any resentment or bitterness in you? Ever feel tempted to go back?
@mebranson Most of my ex partners cross addict, but I had a very specific pattern with a behavioral addiction. Not drugs or alcohol primarily. I'm doing good. Growing and learning all the time. There is little in the way of bitterness so long as I keep the right attitude. I never want to go back to the place I was at, no. The obsessing, controlling, abuse, martyrdom, etc......ugh. Never ever again! But I know enough to realize that I can go back if I don't continue to "take my medicine"
@MsInrecovery My problems are life long and like most people, has it's roots in childhood. When you're able to step back and look at the big picture, you can usually see that it's not about the latest and greatest mess you got yourself in....... having a label to the disorder isn't for sympathy or to be used as an excuse for past or current behavior. But in order to "seek the cure" as it were, you first need to know what it is you're dealing wtih.
Good vid. Lots of good comments too. How do you stay away from someone or even know when they're no good for you? Do you have any indicators whether they really love you or not? Some people say addicts aren't themselves when using, so how do u know? Is the same true for people who are codependents?
@bikerchic5085 The basic rule for all people, regardless if they're addicts or codependents or whatever, is believe what they do over what they say. Love is behavior. You set your boundary that's healthy for you and if they consistently cross it, you have your answer on their intentions. Addicts aren't in their right minds, but if they truely value you and the relationship, the pain of losing that will motivate them to seek change.
@spinozaxo I'm beginning to practice this recently. I just did a Journal Share about this called "The Template" in which I chronical some of the things I'm practicing/learning in relating to a new female friend. Slow, deliberate, & intimate. Without being physical, learning to trust one another incrimentally. It's so liberating not to fear being betrayed or have anxiety over being used. We share with one another willingly & openly without being enmeshed. Whatever happens this is an exemplar
Good video. It takes a lot of courage to address this. Also, I think it was insightful to discuss the differences between PTSD and Codependency addiction.
great video man u hit me right off the bat with in the first few seconds of the video never really thought about it till all this came to the front that i do alot of things for people to make myself feel better about me and make others like me for that reason.
as far as not feeling manly bc of it....just like addiction it doesnt see the sex of the person that is affected. just like ur doing and many others stay n recovery and work on you everything else will fall n to place as u r seeing.
@kiddie19821 I remember when I first got diagnosed with diabetes...my eyesight was failing and worsing almost daily until, I was later told, I was about 72hrs from going blind. My blood sugar was so high it was clogging the capularies in my retinas to the point that they were going to burst. Similiarly my life had become so unmanagable that I went to the darkest place I've ever been. The pain awoke me to the reality. Understanding it was codpenedncy was easy, I already had the knowledge.
@kiddie19821 Oh I had a bottom alright. It was nearly fatal to me and another person. I sometimes lament that it took me so long, I had many many opportunities to get out and get help before. However, once I started getting help, I never looked back. I don't understand those who know better and choose to remain stuck in their disease, but I pity them, not scorn them.
@kiddie19821 I find that most people know what their issue is. We change when the pain of remaining stuck in that issue outweighs the pain of doing what it takes to change that. I didn't want to be that person anymore and I was tired of being used and abused.
I watched the video and I came to the conclusion that in a relationship We should set our boundaries and responsibilities , my question is what are some boundaries that are healthy for couples, etc?
@Sophiebanoo There are some really amazing books on that topic, but some of the basic things I learned is to look for your own part in whatever situation you're in. It's easy for us to point out how someone else is making us mad, sad, or disappointed. But we tend to be less aware of what we may have done to contribute to the situation. Another important tool is to share your feelings with your partner as soon as possible, don't let a day go by where you let it go unsaid.
how do u kno when its time to throw in the towel? how do i kno what my breaking point is after going thru years of hell? according to others it shouldve been years ago but i am continually finding myself wanting to "keep trying to fix it"
@JuansToy143 That is an excellent question! As for when it's time to throw in the towel? You have to make that decision for yourself. For me, once I stopped focusing on someone elses issue & looked at my own, it was clear to me that I was worth more than the abuse I was allowing myself to experience. YOU have to change...once you do, you will be in a better position to see what the other person's intentions truely are. Things don't change, we change....& if they value you, they may as well.
I was willing and did everything in my power to get right. It didn't matter, things didn't change and we're still in a miserable spot. I sometimes feel like I'm barely treading water with my own sobriety. I really do question if it's worth it or if it's possible to have a healthy relationship with a significant other who's an addict.
@Msbigmeanie68 I understand how you feel. For years I tried to affect something I had no power over. We do not engage in recovery to change them, we recover for ourselves. That may or may not motivate them to change, but that depends on them and the value they place on the relationship. In my last situation I spent 5 years with her with nothing to show for it but teaching her how to ride a scooter. All that love, attention, money and energy meant nothing. I could choose to focus on that
@Msbigmeanie68 or I can accept that this was her choice. She didn't want what I wanted. When I started to focus on me, I came to the place I am now. Therefore my time wasn't wasted! We have no control over them, they will do what they want to do. The only real question here is, "they may never get better, what are you going to do?" (intervention).
@ravenclaw67 Wow. I wasn't expecting such an immediate response nor such a thoughtful answer. Your response has really challenged me. I'm going to have to digest this carefully, but I suspect you are right. Thanks again!
@Msbigmeanie68 No. But I've read about and heard from people who have. Both people in that relationship would have to be WILLING. But you can only control what you do...not if the potential partner wants to. I think it would have been possible for me and one of my ex's if we had the chance. But the other one didn't want me as a man, only as a codependent. and I'm nobody's sucker anymore.
@Msbigmeanie68 I don't believe addicts & codependents can have a healthy relationship unless, like Raven said in the video, both are trying to change and heal. If both people are actively trying to remove themselves from those roles, the relationship may be able to be salvaged. However, it won't work if one person is in denial or does not want to change.
@ raven, most defintely, there are other underlying issues. The codependency might be an outlet and at the surface but what causes it is different for each ...
I definitely agree that it's a choice. You have to choose to heal. To do the work. But (for me at least) one of the biggest obstacles to that was accepting that I had something to heal from and that things were not right and needed to change. The next step was realizing that it was up to me to change those things about myself. I couldn't fix the other person, only myself.
Glad you clarified co-dependency vs. PTSD. Support is incredibly important for us as well as the addict. Anyone that thinks they can handle this on their own is kidding themselves. Love the power of the pause! I was in an accident years ago. I was angry at the kid that hit me, that I had pain, had to go to physical therapy, etc. I could choose to stay angry or I could focus on my recovery. Healing from emotional pain is very similar.
@MsLora7003 The power of the "pause" comes when we accept Step 1, or "A", that we ARE codependent (or addicts, or whatever). Therefore "B" will probably be the default "stinky thinking" or dysfunctional behavior. Pausing allows us to look for this eventuality BEFORE we proceed in action. You can tell early when people are headed towards relapse when they lose sight of this and start justifying old thought patterns and behaviors.
@Kanubi To a degree, that is correct. However, the dependent relationship is dysfunctional and unhealthy. It's true purpose is to distract oneself from their own issue, not really about fixing or rescuing. Those are just means towards an end.
If you are still active in your own codependency, how do you know you really love the person you're with and not just addicted to them?
adow2010 1 month ago
@adow2010 That's a valid point. The bottom line is, if you're active in your addiction/codependency, you don't know for sure. Love is a verb & behavior. I was challenged once as to how did I know I loved my ex being that I was behaving codependently for years with her. The answer was that once I entered my recovery I gave her an additonal year of my life with very strict boundaries, including no sex, outtings, etc, & felt closest to her then. She admitted this had the opposite effect 4 her.
ravenclaw67 1 month ago
You had me at the superman shirt! LOL. Seriously, very informative and good for you. I'm glad we reconnected in a positive way now. Don't let anyone take advantage of you ever again.
TeenaK66 3 months ago
@TeenaK66 What can I say here re? I wish I had gotten help back in college during our time. All the wasted years can't be taken back. At least I won't be wasting any more.... I'm glad we reconnected as well.
ravenclaw67 3 months ago
I thought your piece here was very informative...and I have always found inspiration in things you say...Thank you for your insight and keep being strong...
hersofterside 3 months ago
@hersofterside I draw strength from those who support me and really care. Thanks for your kind words.
ravenclaw67 3 months ago
I am proud of you and all you've accomplished. I continue to learn from your shares. I think you're one of the most incredible people I know and I know you'll get a very special lady who loves you. Keep it up!
glitrgurl2004 3 months ago
@glitrgurl2004 Happy to be of use. Things don't change, WE change. I am becoming increasingly whole and will be able to present that to someone who will be able to accept it.
ravenclaw67 3 months ago
This was a little over my head. But you look good. I know you tried to rescue me and I'm sorry if I ever let you down. I didn't know what I had. But I love you always!
Sweetlady882000 3 months ago
@Sweetlady882000 Thanks for the support. I know you didn't know better at the time. We're good now. I'm glad you found your way and that we can be healthy friends now.
ravenclaw67 3 months ago
You sound like a professor...lol. All good info. Hard to imagine you with an alcoholic or someone addicted to drugs. How are you doing these days? Is there any resentment or bitterness in you? Ever feel tempted to go back?
mebranson 6 months ago
@mebranson Most of my ex partners cross addict, but I had a very specific pattern with a behavioral addiction. Not drugs or alcohol primarily. I'm doing good. Growing and learning all the time. There is little in the way of bitterness so long as I keep the right attitude. I never want to go back to the place I was at, no. The obsessing, controlling, abuse, martyrdom, etc......ugh. Never ever again! But I know enough to realize that I can go back if I don't continue to "take my medicine"
ravenclaw67 6 months ago
I don't know, it's like everyone has a need to label everything. What made you think you had a problem to begin with?
MsInrecovery 7 months ago
@MsInrecovery My problems are life long and like most people, has it's roots in childhood. When you're able to step back and look at the big picture, you can usually see that it's not about the latest and greatest mess you got yourself in....... having a label to the disorder isn't for sympathy or to be used as an excuse for past or current behavior. But in order to "seek the cure" as it were, you first need to know what it is you're dealing wtih.
ravenclaw67 7 months ago
Good vid. Lots of good comments too. How do you stay away from someone or even know when they're no good for you? Do you have any indicators whether they really love you or not? Some people say addicts aren't themselves when using, so how do u know? Is the same true for people who are codependents?
bikerchic5085 7 months ago
@bikerchic5085 The basic rule for all people, regardless if they're addicts or codependents or whatever, is believe what they do over what they say. Love is behavior. You set your boundary that's healthy for you and if they consistently cross it, you have your answer on their intentions. Addicts aren't in their right minds, but if they truely value you and the relationship, the pain of losing that will motivate them to seek change.
ravenclaw67 7 months ago
How do you see yourself behaving in a healthy relationship?
spinozaxo 7 months ago
@spinozaxo I'm beginning to practice this recently. I just did a Journal Share about this called "The Template" in which I chronical some of the things I'm practicing/learning in relating to a new female friend. Slow, deliberate, & intimate. Without being physical, learning to trust one another incrimentally. It's so liberating not to fear being betrayed or have anxiety over being used. We share with one another willingly & openly without being enmeshed. Whatever happens this is an exemplar
ravenclaw67 7 months ago
Good video. It takes a lot of courage to address this. Also, I think it was insightful to discuss the differences between PTSD and Codependency addiction.
Ericejazz 8 months ago
great video man u hit me right off the bat with in the first few seconds of the video never really thought about it till all this came to the front that i do alot of things for people to make myself feel better about me and make others like me for that reason.
as far as not feeling manly bc of it....just like addiction it doesnt see the sex of the person that is affected. just like ur doing and many others stay n recovery and work on you everything else will fall n to place as u r seeing.
bigman101244 8 months ago
How did you come to understand that you have a problem and that is was co-dependency? =)
kiddie19821 8 months ago
@kiddie19821 I remember when I first got diagnosed with diabetes...my eyesight was failing and worsing almost daily until, I was later told, I was about 72hrs from going blind. My blood sugar was so high it was clogging the capularies in my retinas to the point that they were going to burst. Similiarly my life had become so unmanagable that I went to the darkest place I've ever been. The pain awoke me to the reality. Understanding it was codpenedncy was easy, I already had the knowledge.
ravenclaw67 8 months ago
@ravenclaw67 But what made you finally decide to get help, did you have a bottom?
kiddie19821 8 months ago
@kiddie19821 Oh I had a bottom alright. It was nearly fatal to me and another person. I sometimes lament that it took me so long, I had many many opportunities to get out and get help before. However, once I started getting help, I never looked back. I don't understand those who know better and choose to remain stuck in their disease, but I pity them, not scorn them.
ravenclaw67 8 months ago
@kiddie19821 I find that most people know what their issue is. We change when the pain of remaining stuck in that issue outweighs the pain of doing what it takes to change that. I didn't want to be that person anymore and I was tired of being used and abused.
ravenclaw67 8 months ago
I watched the video and I came to the conclusion that in a relationship We should set our boundaries and responsibilities , my question is what are some boundaries that are healthy for couples, etc?
Sophiebanoo 8 months ago
@Sophiebanoo There are some really amazing books on that topic, but some of the basic things I learned is to look for your own part in whatever situation you're in. It's easy for us to point out how someone else is making us mad, sad, or disappointed. But we tend to be less aware of what we may have done to contribute to the situation. Another important tool is to share your feelings with your partner as soon as possible, don't let a day go by where you let it go unsaid.
ravenclaw67 8 months ago
how do u kno when its time to throw in the towel? how do i kno what my breaking point is after going thru years of hell? according to others it shouldve been years ago but i am continually finding myself wanting to "keep trying to fix it"
JuansToy143 8 months ago
@JuansToy143 That is an excellent question! As for when it's time to throw in the towel? You have to make that decision for yourself. For me, once I stopped focusing on someone elses issue & looked at my own, it was clear to me that I was worth more than the abuse I was allowing myself to experience. YOU have to change...once you do, you will be in a better position to see what the other person's intentions truely are. Things don't change, we change....& if they value you, they may as well.
ravenclaw67 8 months ago
I was willing and did everything in my power to get right. It didn't matter, things didn't change and we're still in a miserable spot. I sometimes feel like I'm barely treading water with my own sobriety. I really do question if it's worth it or if it's possible to have a healthy relationship with a significant other who's an addict.
Msbigmeanie68 8 months ago
@Msbigmeanie68 I understand how you feel. For years I tried to affect something I had no power over. We do not engage in recovery to change them, we recover for ourselves. That may or may not motivate them to change, but that depends on them and the value they place on the relationship. In my last situation I spent 5 years with her with nothing to show for it but teaching her how to ride a scooter. All that love, attention, money and energy meant nothing. I could choose to focus on that
ravenclaw67 8 months ago
@Msbigmeanie68 or I can accept that this was her choice. She didn't want what I wanted. When I started to focus on me, I came to the place I am now. Therefore my time wasn't wasted! We have no control over them, they will do what they want to do. The only real question here is, "they may never get better, what are you going to do?" (intervention).
ravenclaw67 8 months ago
@ravenclaw67 Wow. I wasn't expecting such an immediate response nor such a thoughtful answer. Your response has really challenged me. I'm going to have to digest this carefully, but I suspect you are right. Thanks again!
Msbigmeanie68 8 months ago
Very nice sir.. lookin' good.. oh yes, and excellent vid.
SexyStack78 8 months ago
you did a great job with this! explained a lot.........thank you!
pnutlamb 8 months ago
I don't think addicts and codependents can have a healthy relationship. Have you made it work with any of your ex's?
Msbigmeanie68 8 months ago
@Msbigmeanie68 No. But I've read about and heard from people who have. Both people in that relationship would have to be WILLING. But you can only control what you do...not if the potential partner wants to. I think it would have been possible for me and one of my ex's if we had the chance. But the other one didn't want me as a man, only as a codependent. and I'm nobody's sucker anymore.
ravenclaw67 8 months ago
@Msbigmeanie68 I don't believe addicts & codependents can have a healthy relationship unless, like Raven said in the video, both are trying to change and heal. If both people are actively trying to remove themselves from those roles, the relationship may be able to be salvaged. However, it won't work if one person is in denial or does not want to change.
Fallenstar2716 8 months ago
@ raven, most defintely, there are other underlying issues. The codependency might be an outlet and at the surface but what causes it is different for each ...
Kanubi 8 months ago
I definitely agree that it's a choice. You have to choose to heal. To do the work. But (for me at least) one of the biggest obstacles to that was accepting that I had something to heal from and that things were not right and needed to change. The next step was realizing that it was up to me to change those things about myself. I couldn't fix the other person, only myself.
hayne73 8 months ago
Glad you clarified co-dependency vs. PTSD. Support is incredibly important for us as well as the addict. Anyone that thinks they can handle this on their own is kidding themselves. Love the power of the pause! I was in an accident years ago. I was angry at the kid that hit me, that I had pain, had to go to physical therapy, etc. I could choose to stay angry or I could focus on my recovery. Healing from emotional pain is very similar.
MsLora7003 8 months ago
@MsLora7003 The power of the "pause" comes when we accept Step 1, or "A", that we ARE codependent (or addicts, or whatever). Therefore "B" will probably be the default "stinky thinking" or dysfunctional behavior. Pausing allows us to look for this eventuality BEFORE we proceed in action. You can tell early when people are headed towards relapse when they lose sight of this and start justifying old thought patterns and behaviors.
ravenclaw67 8 months ago
Codependency = dependent on one another... I need to be fixed, rescued and you need to fix me, rescue me?
Kanubi 8 months ago
@Kanubi To a degree, that is correct. However, the dependent relationship is dysfunctional and unhealthy. It's true purpose is to distract oneself from their own issue, not really about fixing or rescuing. Those are just means towards an end.
ravenclaw67 8 months ago