Eugene Mirman 2009 LHS Commencement Speech

[DKbridge100]

I was a mirman fan way before I found out he attended my high school and middleschool, but this makes him even cooler!!!!

[PorkchopLSX]

16 people are so depressed that not even good comedy could scratch a dent in their misery...teehee! Sorry you didn't make commencement and have the GED alternative instead...'good enough diploma' for the Mike Tyson followers :-p

[jlhguitar]

Looks like 16 people failed, then barely passed, and then went nowhere in life.

[acehole7]

"on behalf on generations before were really really sorry we made some oopsies" so true 

[SQLinjected]

I don't get why people hate Ayn Rand so much. I realize that there are people that read her books and become smug pricks, but I think that people should take the best parts of what she has to offer and reflect on them. She taught rationality over superstition and tradition, and personal responsibility over blaming others for your problems. She said that its within a person's power to do whatever they want to, through hard work and logical measure. What's wrong with that?

[penguin112493]

Haha I'm the Senior Speaker at my high school graduation this year, and I am drawing inspiration from this :P

[carlo88moe]

@penguin112493 do the entire bit! haha, seriously no one will find out, and if they do eventually, who cares, ull be gone :)

[AccioHHr]

"I did my assigment worse than not doing it."  WOW, almost spit out my coffee. Awesome.

[ndbrandt]

I didn't know Supreme Court Justice Elena Kagan was so funny!

[skysw1]

i live in Arlington! damn Lexington kids better not take my fuckin' cake!

[laughingstock133]

I just cried. That was so frakking funny.

[Jesusismothra]

as my grad school eastern european history advisor said so eloquently over a round of maker's mark on the rocks, "ayn rand is a cunt."

[DoctaDualist]

I'm just glad that cars don't run on vodka

[9000Luke]

Eugene Mirman is one of the best comedians out today

[carlo88moe]

@9000Luke wish more knew that, but he's, fortunately in my opinion, as its the reason i love him, he's gloriously unaccessible...mostly to idiots

[Craxblorg]

@carlo88moe someone told me some of my stand up bits were like his and now i don't feel so bad when it doesn't go over well because Eugene is so awesome. That was seriously the biggest compliment I've ever gotten along with "You're pretty weird for a girl, wanna see my brain cancer scar?" at a bar in west hollywood.

[peterjbond]

Yeah. He's a failed comic.

Check his website.

[thepickletrain]

he got a room full of people to laugh at a presidential assassination

[andrewclunn]

Of course a failed comic from NYC hates Ayn Rand.

[Eugene2098357]

@andrewclunn Hey Howard Roark! What's up? Sorry your perfect building was ruined by misguided altruists. That sucks.

[andrewclunn]

@Eugene2098357

Well at least I got some decent rape out of the whole endeavor. I mean my buildings are sacred ground not to be defiled, but women don't really mean it when they say no.

[jasonfifi]

@Eugene2098357 of course andrewclunn just got told by a failed comic from nyc.

[ptc5010]

@andrewclunn "Failed comic" meaning he's actually funny.

[DIYmeat]

@andrewclunn a failed comic? so what would a successful comic look like (ray romano or someone similar who stops being funny when they get soft, rich and lazy)? and where would that put ACTUAL failed comics? WHAT KIND OF SCALE ARE YOU USING!!!!

and most people hate Ayn Rand, fyi.

[GRANDMABROOKE]

@DIYmeat i dunno but, kinda seems like most comics are soft. good or bad.

[MastaRikta]

@andrewclunn Of course?!

[StarvingForTruth]

@andrewclunn

failed? he's one of the more successful comics in the country.

and rand is HORRIBLE.

you?

garden variety asshole.

ta!

[purplehaze0120]

@andrewclunn Trying to use objectivism to point out the value of money and business should make everyone hate you.

[malaciousmarty]

@andrewclunn because being featured on comedy central multiple times is failing. right?

[djduckie]

Wow, i wish i had graduated from this place, this year. We didn't have any guest speakers.

[GIRfan4]

Where the hell was he during my high school graduation?

[RevelryGirl]

OMG! Wish he made a speach at my school



[c0nman101]

OH MY GOD!!!! why couldnt he be at my fucking high school graduation!

[wutrain]

i wish he was here for us again this year. we got someone awkward this time..

[townshend445]

OMG He's from Lexington?

[melodie2007]

thank y9u x

[Laihoistheman]

he sounds just like a laid back teacher from my school.

[bungbung13131]

so fucking awesome

i love how a few of the people got the joke as soon as he said "garden party"

[jek21]

He probably got some angry letters after that.

[sirwojciechowski]

they're all gonna be doing heroine tonight!

[harofire]

omg that is awesome

[1844Freddy]

Genius

[ISteppedOnATurd]

Hahaha I wish we had somebody hilarious at my high school graduation.

[MrBeefcake2150]

hahhahahahahaha unless your dreams are stupid

[abasletatz]

i agree with slowlydirt.

[supanekochan]

yes

[slowlydirt]

The fountain head and pretty much anything by ayn rand, read by college freshman has a tendency to turn your average identity seeking new adult into a propaganda spitting smug know it all can't stand to be around you for more than an hour because you will start telling me how stuff is supposed to be, oh my god you're just as annoying and a trust fund hippy except youre all about capitalism and money so you seem kind of evil, jackass.

[cornyking1992]

i never felt like that

why cant people just like books

[carlo88moe]

@slowlydirt haha, couldnt have put it better, noisch one

[MrsTheycallmeDuckie]

The Fountainhead!!! I love how he mentions that lol Such a great novel

[Tsuchirinhon]

"You're only mature enough to shoot your enemies in the face."

Holy fuck, hahahaha. This was amazing, but I'm sure some of the parents probably had a tantrum over it, unfortunately.

[tiff0089]

Wow, if this is real, that is a real laid-back school he got to speak for. My old high school- he would've been escorted out once he started talking about beer. Awesome school!

[gamersmartin]

What does the fountainhead say?

[Vsar426]

... it's a book...

[Zombien20]

haaahahahahaha!

[ranger93309]

@gamersmartin

The novel is basically described in Wikipedia. What isn't told there is that it is common for college freshmen to read it and discover there is a whole cult following for the author Ayn Rand. In particular The Fountainhead has become a sort of athem for a down-low, solid wing of the Libertarian Party -- the "Ayn Rand Libertarians."

[sf49ersa8]

I can't believe this is actually real.

[19lharas]

Ugh, so unfair! I'm an 09 grad (not at this high school)... twelve years in a knowledge prison all for nothing.

[The3rdPlateau]

lmao...i got a negative eight. that's right; i did worse than not doing the assignment.

[discordandruin]

"Don't get too excited when reading the Fountainhead"

[snowhite0000]

is there something I'm not getting about the fountian head.. could someone dumb it down and explian a bit?

[TheKirkYates]

Come to my school!

[cobaine92]

i love this man

[thomasburn]

haha!!! I nearly pissed myself at the fountainhead thing! so true....

[pajaenyx]

Eugene read his draft of this speech at the Rumpus/McSweeney's party in New York City just a couple of weeks before...I couldn't believe he really gave the speech. Damn lucky kids at Lexington!

[rwatson8]

"...celebrate...at your weird party."

[foxjulia007]

Best Graduation Speech :D

[robadonkadonk]

"I won't lie to you, there's an asteroid heading for Earth and you only have 4 days to live."

[JacKn1feSugarTrucK]

LMAO

"Someone has made a terrible mistake by asking me to do this."

[jakespick]

"...and drink. Just kidding, you're only mature enough to shoot our enemies in the face."

I bet some of the parents shit their pants.

[Kelavmeister]

Wow.. ballsy speech!

[algae0]

First LHS gets Amanda Palmer helping them with their incredible play, then they get Eugene Mirman for their commencement?! What a lucky year for them!!!

-8. amazing.

[jacobsladderfat]

i was here son

[MyAccount333221]

HILLARIOUS! >:-)

[redsoxmb545]

That was fantastic. I was one of the graduates he was speaking to.

[DavidIsAwesomer]

I'm so jealous.

[baerleon]

Oh wow. Roflcopter. That was freaking great. :D

[xoValeriexo]

Fucking hilarious.. possibly inappropriate. I laughed the whole way through.  I think Mr. Mirman probably made a lot of fans that day.

[sammythemc]

I wish Eugene Mirman was around to warn me against getting too excited after reading the Fountainhead, it would have saved me a couple years

[MastaRikta]

I bet you wish you'd RAND away!

[sammythemc]

I laughed wayyyy too hard at that pun.

[nskk]

great great great great stuff

[chrizhome]

this speech is great :D

[bigmansmallmouth]

I should go back in time and go to LHS so I can watch this speech and tell stories about it for years. Eugene, mastermind.

[DigitalLazarus]

I adore Eugene and have since 1996! He is truly splendid. Follow him on Twitter for a daily dose of hilarity ...

[Bood523]

Magnificent!

[MaldrenWins]

Man I love Eugene, good to see him again.

[cmitch419]

hah, that was awesome

[phillyphan32992]

Hahaha, that was awesome.

[pubstuati]

LOL

[NZartfuldando]

lol the guy from Flight of the Conchords.

[DrDeke21]

Aw man I loved watching this in real life, if it wasn't for that I might have killed myself out of bordem

[rsmythbust3r]

i wish he was speaking at my ceremony

[ltdgtr]

LOL I just graduated I totally wish he gave a speech there.

[mattaki]

totally pro

[JCHAP0000]

Who doesn't love an Ayn Rand joke!  That was awesome.

[heeatsfaces]

best commencement speech EVER

[taiwanesekid]

Thanks for giving the speech! It was great to have the whole class laughing together for one last time.

[mondaycurse]

I almost fell asleep in my chair during my gradation ceremony, but this was so much better.

[schmoozyduh]

oh crap. lexington is full of douchebags, but BRAVO for pulling through with eugene mirman.

[pleasingbaritone]

well played, sir

[chasingamy77]

Andy, i am imagining him saying it with an entire banana shoved in his mouth...AND faking a british accent

[CaptainWiiTube]

You, sir, have made a mockery of the institution of high school!

[AndyUnwritten]

I imagine your pants falling down after you say that.

[ChachiTelevision1979]

Eugene, we could listen to you ramble for hours.

[PhillyLet]

haha, this is very great

[EquivalentTrade]

Thanks for speaking at my graduation Mr. Mirman :D you were great.

[bandwagonretards]

this was pretty great, but why the hell did he go there in the first place?

[LeeAnnSox87]

He graduated from our high school in the 90's

[ingbelt]

Don't get too excited when you read "The Fountainhead".

priceless

[xliver4]

shut the fuck up bitch. I seriously dont get why people act like a jackass just because people dont get something.

[misseyeliner101]

Hilarious.

[playedescapade]

I wish Eugene was there to make a speech at my graduation last year, so maybe then I wouldn't be in the shit that I am now.

[cconway1982]

best graduation speech ever

[pdxtone]

That was great, thanks for putting this up!

Sadly, my school just had a student give a long speech about prayer. Hope your summer goes well.

[muhreeuh]

this is the definition of excellence. look it up in the dictionary, and there's a still from this speech next to it.

[abcdeemily]

this is what i need at my graduation ceremony

[CircaSV81]

funny funny

[flamebait07]

Oh my god, this is amazing hahahaha.

[TheGzeus]

Every HS graduation needs this. Maybe then young college kids won't be so smug.

[randallmclaren]

you're only mature enough to shoot our enemies in the face... hahaha

[mildewmaximilian]

Ha! "Don't get too excited when you read The Fountainhead"!

[jlclaybourne]

wonderful job!... i'm a little jealous of those grads having a hometown comedian sealing up their education & telling them to have fun & yet save the world. i love the asteroid joke :) i remember eugene on my bus in middle & high school... very proud of him!