Part 1: Their eyes are all asking - Are you in, or are you out

[jenrefen]

Yeah I never thought it was a possibility until my mom asked me and then I was like am I..... After a while I realized that it just made sense. That's why I felt so different from all my friends!

[murdertramp99]

I guess I had that "Oh...I'm gay" momento too

You have a beautiful coming out story <3

[ohmaryjane]

i completely understand. I felt different at the age of five, but I did not understand it.I felt abandoned by my straight female friends because they began to date men. I could not understand it, and me too, I felt that women were so incredible. My feelings for other women overwhelmed me and I did not understand it until much later.

[FOBlvr16]

Aw that's sad about your best friend! Gah. I'm proud of you for making this video though! 

[Lamoir]

OMG This is so true! . I always thought that I had to be straight and like girls just because everyone else was straight, I always pushed aside the thought because I always figured gay guys were girly and not into the things that I am into. I also remember when I was like 4 I really adored my mothers playing cards that had muscular men on them.. I always thought that being gay was a bad thing and not normal, but it is a good thing and it is normal.

[blackhearted07]

You made me cry. This is the best thing I've ever seen. I think you just changed my life; you're so amazing.

[jackskellingtonsora]

Ya, I knew I was gay way way back, but of course I have to have had super conservative parents. So of course, when I realized I was gay, like when I was 10, was the very worst day of my life. I still struggle today, accepting myself, but I am definitly getting better. It's hard though. I've never been able to work up the nerve to tell someone I'm gay in person, unless they asked or something. Telling my parents was a nightmare, got me kicked out of Christian school of course.

[bwaymusicalboy]

This (combined with part 2) is the best video on youtube. I'm convinced.

[Brittanyfayeee]

Yeah. I am at the moment just realizing that I am gay. I guess everybody else knew. I'm the last to know. And I now know why I feel like this for my best friend. I realized I have been in love with her for about four years.

[Minireb123]

haha this video is basically what happened to me to with the whole "falling for your best friend" thing. Except, when I started feeling those feelings I always had the thought that I was gay in my head but I was afraid because I didn't want to accept it. I didn't know what would happen and I didn't want my parents to know and wow it was just a mess.

And then, one day I just let myself accept it and it felt really good =]

[leahcharper]

i had a hidden envelope of winona ryder clippings

[SalamanderNatsu]

holy shit, i never thought anyone would feel the same as me, this really helped :)

[violetcloud]

yeah, but imagine backlash in both communities. both would be questioning your identity because youre apparently not authentically gay enough.

[aqstoy]

got a point there!! according to AJ imma a metro butch!!

[betyplush]

I had that "oh... I'm gay..." moment.

[bwitchedfan1221]

i can so relate to your story about falling for your best friend in high school. the same thing happened to me and i just felt so bad about these feelings i had for her, and why i was feeling that way. i love your videos, and the rest of the beavers.

[JessOwlz07]

Gosh. Exact same here. As soon as I realized I was gay, everything suddenly made perfect sense. All those weird times where I was confused and didn't know why I was so upset about my bestfriend not caring like I did in middle school. Everything... It all just clicked. And it was a relief to know, that it was why I felt so different.

[lgarcia83505]

this is super cute. and typical enough... this video fits me. im so jelly of all those who knew so early.

i fell in love with my best friend too. it jsut turned out that she was gay and was in love with me as well. :D

[crimsonxdreamxx]

I'm struggling with my own identity right now, trying to figure things out....thanks. This really helped me.

<3

[UnderwaterSky]

Dude, I had a weird crush on Rue McClanahan from Golden Girls when I was a kid oO

[kristeng06]

I had pretty much the hugest crush on kirstie alley

[chokavic2204]

Same here! Veronica's closet was my fav. show!

closet..irony, should've seen it before LOL

[xae007]

I feel you on this video...I had a lot of the same timeline that I went through...nice vid. Im still working on getting over the straight one :/

[m4squ3r4d3]

omg ty for this vid. its like ur speaking to me. certainly sux to fall for a straight friend =/

[QueerMermaid]

Thank you so so much for this video. I had very similar experiences and thought I was the only one, and the only one to come out of the closet so late (I was 21). I really enjoyed this video, I'm about to go watch part 2 and subscribe to you!

[Oncolle11]

Oh my God, bless you! Story of my life.

[holman26]

michell ur the best and sexest bever xxxxxxxxxxx

[clarinetbandie1990]

I have to say that I'm the same type of gay that you are. I like to dress up and wear makeup and just am generally a girly girl. Great video!

[iwouldntlikeme15]

Ohhh my god. this makes so much sense and is sooo relatable. thank you sooo incredibly much for being so honest. It's weird when you feel so alone and like you're the only one who is confused- and then somebody else pretty much speaks the words from your journal. thanks:)

[buriedinhw7]

I fell head over heels in love with my best friend too. It was awful, spending all that time together and struggling with those feelings, but she was the first person I came out to. (I never told her about it though, but I'm sure she knew)

You are awesome.

[effinraybo]

u r 100 percent right about everyone having it the same

[lea1791]

you should watch a show called suger rush it's a really funny show about a girl named kim who has is in love with her best friend suger who has no idea that kim likes her, it's really funny and i think you would really like it

[ResolvedTragedy]

This video rocked harder than Kiss

FYI-I just played this entire video to a enormous hotel room filled with boys and girls who were hooting and holleringbat every thing you said. It was like a gospel church during the priest's sermon lol

[Shinobi04]

another reason why i love michelle.

this video.

[technic0lor]

i would just like to say thank you for posting this video. my whole "realization" story is practically identical to yours; from not ever considering it, to falling head over heels in love with my best friend.

it took me a very long time to come out to myself as well. i'm very feminine and never thought i could be gay because i didn't "look" it. hah.

anyway, it was incredibly refreshing to hear someone who has gone through the same things as me so, thank you. :)

[missdivinestalls]

This is absolutely true! I used to wonder who had it harder, gay men or lesbians and finally I stopped asking such a noob of a question seeing as the conflicts and problems we face are SO different. Thanks you for bringing this up.

[anythingsarcastic]

My pleasure :) I'm so glad you liked it!

[HaleyMary]

I think you're really cool to be able to be so open about stuff. My mother went through stuff like that for years throughout her life, but only realized she was in the late nineties.

[anythingsarcastic]

I think actually realizing your gay is the hardest part...but not enough people talk about it...

[lookitsmurphy]

AMAZING video. if i saw this video years ago i wouldn't have wasted so much time slutting around with guys and pretending to be straight! I'm not even bullshitting when I say that. Seriously, you're awesome!

Aside from the wonderful message you provide here, my favorite part for sure is that you had a crush on Kirstie Alley. That's just fabulous.

[anythingsarcastic]

Thank you SO SO much :) HAHA - she was so HOT when I was 7...

[GayCarrington]

Kirstie Alley was very sexy!

Off to part 2...

XX, Gay

[anythingsarcastic]

I'd like to think so...lol.

mwah!

[winec00ler]

P.S. I own a maltipoo and I'm a designer working in the fashion industry, and I dream of owning a closet full of shoes and designer wear - does that make me a femme? I also have long hair. Cause my personality is sarcastic and tomboyish..hmmm

[anythingsarcastic]

No one thing makes you femme - it's just how your comfortable with :)

[mevisface]

You are beautiful. I used to stare at girls like you, staring at girls. I would be like get yours woman and they would say "in yer dreams guy". Then I run into them after a few years and guess what....

[imaJENtleman]

By the way, I think I still haven't gotten over my childhood best friend. I was so jealous of her first serious boyfriend in high school. I have told her recently that I crushed on her and she is so rad about it now ;)

[anythingsarcastic]

I don't talk to mine anymore :( But I'm so glad to hear you do and she was so cool about it!

[imaJENtleman]

This video struck a major chord with me. Thank you!

Do you think that it is harder for femme women to recognize that they are gay since they look just like straight women. Maybe women who physically represent themselves outside of the feminine norm recognize their sexuality a little sooner... not sure... just was thinking about it.

[anythingsarcastic]

That's a REALLY good question - and it seems to make sense right? I just know that while all the signs were pointing to homo, I didn't know it was an option for me because I was so femme.

And I'm really glad you liked the video :)

[Bourne2bwild1989]

Haha so you cut out pictures too!? I thought I was the only one who did that. I don't remember how long it went on for, but when I dig through old drawers I find lots of cut outs of girls. Usually celebs, but I guess just any girl I thought was pretty. The signs really do start at a young age haha

[Bourne2bwild1989]

I always had those giddy girl crushes when I was little too. Of course I didn't know what they were, but it's so obvious now lol. And I also fell madly in love with my best friend it was a complete nightmare. And still is sometimes.

Are you telling MY come out story? ;]

[anythingsarcastic]

HAHA - why am I getting the feeling a lot of us had the same coming out story :)

[iwinthetoasteroven]

Really awesome vid,awe-inspiring! I think you are going to help a lot of people coming out.

[anythingsarcastic]

Awe, thank you! I really hope so :)

[winec00ler]

dude same thing happened to me and my best friend, ah straight girl they ruin everything

[anythingsarcastic]

HAHA - it's not so much that they ruin everything...it's more than we keep on falling in love with them...lol.

[winec00ler]

I know right, sigh - we're still best friends and yeah she just got engaged, bittersweet

[AnIrrationalRatio]

Aww, it's never fun having feelings for someone that doesn't feel the same, but to also not even get who or why you have those feelings must totally suck. (OOooh, my vocab is astounding, it's so verbose)

OH, one little point. (this is the geek in me SCREAMING to say this) 20/20 vision is actually the norm, it's not good vision it's the base line. OK, sorry about that. Yes, I know it's just a saying.

I am still waiting to feel normal. meh

[anythingsarcastic]

HAHA - it did totally suck, but I'm glad I figured it out :)

YAY - I love geeks...lol.

It's no fun to be normal...stop waiting :)

[AnIrrationalRatio]

It's not fun being a freak either, at least with normal you know it's everyone, not just you. (look over there, greener grass!)

Almost a little like not realising you're gay, but without the repressed sexuality.

[Angieanything]

Damn, your videos always blow me away. Thank you so much for sharing with us. You're a sweetheart. -goes to second part, clicks play-

[anythingsarcastic]

Awe, thank you so much!!!

[xgobobeanx]

ty for sharing :) xoxo

[anythingsarcastic]

thank you for listening :) <3

[teawithrushdie]

I have two questions and of course if they're out of line or too personal I won't hold it against you if you don't answer.

1: are you still friends with the best friend you fell in love with and if so did you ever tell her?

2: Did you ever date guys or did you know that you didn't like them and just didn't know there was an alternative?

I look forward to your answers but again, feel free to call me a nosy lookyloo :)

[anythingsarcastic]

They are not too personal at all...

1) No, when we went off to college I caused a huge fight, because looking back I think I just couldn't handle going to different colleges and seeing her have new friends/new boyfriends etc. We have only spoke here or there since...maybe 4 times if that. One of those times I did tell her, because I felt I owed it to her. I put her through a lot because *I* didn't know who I was...and I felt bad and felt that she had the right to know.

[anythingsarcastic]

2) Yes I did, but something was always missing...and I never knew what that was when I was dating them...I just felt like I was abnormal because I never had that "OMG WOW" feeling that all the other girls had...now I know what was missing...lol...

[teawithrushdie]

Hey, thanks for answering :) Your appeasement of my curiosity is very much appreciated.

[choas4u]

Wow, I had almost the same coming out to myself experiance, except... I was on the butch side. Just thought I was a tomboy. 'til one day I wrote in my journal 'if you have to tell yourself you're not, does that mean you are' LOL. Total 20/20 hindsight.

[anythingsarcastic]

I had a journal too, and wrote very similar things. It's funny how many of us had the same experience...and in a way it feels quite nice to know you're not alone!

[iamakinkychicken]

oh you are amazing... seriously -- from beginning to end... you so eloquently put all of this. the whole beginning (i spoke to you about this earlier) and then the rest about falling for your bf in high school. I fell for a lady in high school as well and I always thought it was bad until I found out what GAY really meant. don't ask... it took awhile.

[anythingsarcastic]

It took a while for me too :)

I'm glad you liked the video, and were able to relate...even for me its nice to know I'm not alone!

[eay19yae]

"falling in love with my bestfriend"

--that part made me tear up a little bit;

story of my life. i'm kinda going through you it now.

i should send you a message real soon.

i'm favoriting this video.

[anythingsarcastic]

We all go through it...trust me. We're just lucky in this day and age to have a community that understands that! Favorite away...and stay strong darling...and word of advice...try to avoid the best friends...lol.

[sungoldshine]

I agree this isn't about having a competition in terms of who has it the hardest in life between Butch's and Femmes.

I think the experiences we (queer women) go through are different and yet universal at the same time. As human beings we all want to be loved for who we are and experience unconditional love.

[anythingsarcastic]

I couldn't have said it better myself!

[TooCuteAkane]

So far so good. I agree .. the grass isn't ever really greener on the other side. Also, I know what you mean about not realizing you could be gay, and femme. It sounds so dumb now .. in hind sight, but everything you said is true. And, the falling for friends, but not knowing it does totally suck. Lets just be thankful high school is over ;-P Thanks for the great Vlog so far.

[anythingsarcastic]

I'm SO SO thankful High School is over...it was my hardest time...but I learned a lot!

[deepkn0tch]

SOME PEOPLE JUS THINK TO MUCH

[anythingsarcastic]

And some people don't think at all...

[teawithrushdie]

This reply is full of win!

[YankeeFan054]

Wow. I never had the opportunity to really think about what a gay person might haven to go through. I mean I get all of the typical "prejudice" issues, but what you talked about is a whole other dimension of struggle that I never thought about before. My hat is off to you for being who you are and what you've been through. I think most straight people wish we could be as together as you seem. I'm a fan!

[anythingsarcastic]

I'm glad I was able to illustrate a side of "coming out" most people don't see...maybe it will get us all on the same playing field one of these days :) Thanks so much for watching!

[hipstir]

amazing video so far... i sooooo relate!!!! thanks for sharing!

[anythingsarcastic]

Yay! I'm glad people were able to relate!

[sidian3]

I agreee with you 100%. When I first realized I was lesbian I thought I had to be butch because those were the types of women I was most associated with seeing. It took me a very long to understand that to be gay, I could have my own look and my own style. 14 years after I came out to myself I am now comfortably soft butch, some days more femme than others but still my own look. Thanks for posting this, this was cool.

[anythingsarcastic]

The most important thing is to stay true to yourself :) I'm glad you're there!

[sidian3]

Thanks, it took a very long time but I can honestly say I am very comfortable in my skin now. When people ask me if I am bothered by people having an issue with me being gay, I always reply; Why? It's not my issue. It always throws them for a loop. I love the shock factor.

[Gizmo6Whiley]

i hear yah :(

[anythingsarcastic]

chin up :)

[VestaVesVesStar]

Your life would make an amazing book. xp

[anythingsarcastic]

most of it is really quite boring...lol

[stephenashley93]

Sorry about that retarded outburst, I just never thought I would be first on a Michelle vid. Very well spoken, Michelle. Beautiful words, on a sensitive subject from a beautiful, sensitive woman.

[anythingsarcastic]

HAHA - forgiven! I'm all for retarded outbursts if they come from you :)

Glad you liked the vid!

[stephenashley93]

OMG!!! FIRST!!!

[emosXrXtheXbest]

It was so worth staying up till 2 in the morning for this video =]

[anythingsarcastic]

awe, thank you :) But now go to sleep!