Prison Economy Spirals As Price Of Pack Of Cigarettes Surpasses Two Hand Jobs

[TheAnToOo9]

Snitches get stiches then put in ditches...

[ebonics4everyone]

Admit reality. Not all gay guys are nice guys. Take these guys for example. 

[bngibbs]

Wouldn't you know that the price of cigarettes is getting higher in this Great Lockdown. It may very soon cost a whole blowjob!

[flamingarse1]

i am gettin alot of handjobs

[christiami]

Why are people saying they're stocking up on cigarettes? You realize these handjobs are male to male?

[tseng13]

@christiami PRISON BABY YEAH

[Regginyaga]

Fuck it I'm investing in handjobs

[Blankname101]

L

O

L

!!!

[superj54]

why the fuck does the person who puts the one liner of at the end of the video always get a top comment for onion news!!!

[TheNemo71389]

@superj54 who the fuck cares fuck top comments. I feel like youtube should do away with it anyway it would get rid of a lot of bullshit comments.

[DADDYFO1973]

Lmfao too

[DADDYFO1973]

Lmfai

[onlyafterdarkness]

How much for a SHANK?

[SeeDMT]

I am getting a lot of handjobs

[TheConumdrum]

Hand lotion up 6.50

0:35

[9mizzle]

I'm stocking up on cigarettes!

[theknightlynews]

One handjob or less? What's less than that?

[ZenSeizure]

@theknightlynews You just pet it for like 30 seconds

[dragonistarrs]

i love what they say before comercial the stuff like 2 sniches beatin to death

[AgentZeroTutorial]

"Moving on some happier news in Atlanta today 2 snitches were beaten to death" ahah

[repelghosts]

Stay there and roty punk-ass...I am getting fucked tonight on a beach in the British Virgin Isles...I am sucking on an ice cold martini and its 11am here...rot you pig...Gemma

[ScottRayne]

Fucking Jango needs to learn his place...

[TheYouwontgetit]

thanks god i am not a smoker...

[K2BongFight]

"moving on to happier new. in Atlanta today, 2 snitches were beaten to death" BWAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHA

[huascarcajias]

The study in the underbar in 1:24 is bullshit!

[SteezySkater72]

"How's it going Big Dap? It's nice to see you again"

Holy fucking lol.

[NickyAmerica]

This comment is about a reference to a funny line in the video, a joke about the number of dislikes which becomes irrelevent when the dislikes go up, thumbs up whoring if you agree with a joke in the video.

[Scizorslash]

0:25 Over 9000 cartons lol

[ArrrPirate666]

@Scizorslash

Haha how did you manage to notice that.

[TheNoobiezz]

This is how the market works before some freak invented money

[randomguy034]

I think they should talk about NASCAR. Spor?, or gay way to express love of turning left?

[MrCrazyh81]

id like 2 put poison in the cigarettes and kill em off 1 by 1 in the jail

[bananaboi5]

I seriously wish the news was like this it would be my favorite show. Literally.

[TheUsername1029]

in my day, a pack of cigarettes cost half a handjob!! this is clearly because of the bush tax cuts.

[wisewarriormuzic]

"The impending Chiva Deal between Rico Perez and Bones Goreman was called off after a pidgen told Hacks to put Bones on shit watch" AHAHAHAHAHA!

[RammsteinTranslator]

0:50 haha 3 condoms of clean piss.

[colmonhs]

What is less than a single handjob?

[Roflcopter4b]

@colmonhs Anal fisting,

[quibble640]

For everyone who didn't realise: Look at 0:12 and pause it. "Up from 1.502 Handjobs" LOOOOOl hahahahaha

[Zacshalack]

is Big Dap played by Brian Anthony Wilson O.o?

[Ethanodd1]

Jango's a bitch.

[ElDiablo9561]

Rim jobs are currently 227.13V6.05 0:23

[Taraalcar]

Those prison scenes were green-screened over the opening scenes of the movie "Catch Me if You Can." Congratulate me on my sadly sharp eye.

[91jmda]

The cig brand that's in use so much in Puerto Rico are Newports, mostly the 100s xDDD

[Dumbodog4]

I'm sorry for more of the annoying fad but it appears no one has done it yet. 203 PEOPLE GAVE BIG DAP HANDJOBS

[Dumbodog4]

at 0:36 can someone place out that definitions of those?

[TheXxXemoboyXxX]

this shits soo fuckin retarded

[MexicanBearFighter]

these videos are fucking genius!

[NTheKiller]

stop at 0:35 you will se BITCHES hahahaha

[BoredomPie]

Best. News. Ever...

[Shenmue3Now]

@twitch8793

Must be tough.

[ofdiscordia]

I can tell you for certain, because I was in at about 1996, a pack of smokes would get you a blowjob even back then. That's a black guy thing, whites would never even think about doing that. We had a trustee on my block that was always loaded with snack cakes and cigarettes, guess what he was doing? yep giving head.

[beet111]

@twitch8793 you are not in prison

[HoneiiDiiva]

Right**

[HoneiiDiiva]

@Imust, that's not an intelligent comeback. Not all white people are racist. Get your argument tight.

[TheShootinZ]

First reaction?

[chancy319]

ROFL!!

[thanateball]

"moving on to some happier news. in atlanta today, two snitches were beaten to death." this shit is fuckin funny as hell. i'll probably watch it a few more times to read the scrolling marquee.

[manrayer88]

How do you invest in handjobs?

[millinexec]

The scroll is hilarious too: "North Idaho Correctional Institution fined after tests find dog meat in the horse-loaf" Lmfao

[DrGoshenstien212]

is it just me or does he sounds like james earl jones lol

[MrNosnitram]

Well Soap Stock Is Down...But Rope Is Up! :05

[getalife67]

As they tax all the American pastime products and the suckers that buy them to support the pork belly feds, sheeple are in the norm in America.

[RDBeatnik]

@getalife67 What the fuck are you talking about?

[fuerchter]

the ending xF

[oRuTRa45]

My man from The Wire!

[butt17sex]

@oRuTRa45 Yeah, he played Detective Holley. I knew I recognized him as soon as I saw the link to this video.

[ElQuedaSkaDuro]

JAJAJAJA ROFL!!



[213dope]

im gettin alotta handjobs

[RickyRecruit]

"Fucked him up in the library" I wish the US economy took notes from this.

[motownharry]

This is the funniest shit on the net... "I been gettin alotta blow jobs... You go Big Dap....

[CarlTrooper]

I dont want captions... FUCK YOU SUBPLY.

[sundaysoccerkid]

197 people were fucked up bad in the library

[Falarahschulz]

This is so funny. But what is a hand job??

[91jmda]

@Falarahschulz Google it buddy xD

[coltonte3]

@Falarahschulz xD Still so innocent.

[Msbea345]

lmao....that was funny biz news

[UnrulyHex]

snitches get stitches

[ironmenize]

the ending was just hilarious

[MrSoychi]

up from 1502 handjobs.....

[Firelaef]

@MrSoychi iknow this is really late but it is 1.502

[theirishinc]

The brothers paisas pop-off in San Quentin! LOL The recent influx of punks at Chino! LMAO This is comedy!

[MrElmoussa]

best part 1:20

[beatlesman369]

Everybodys suffering

[divisionmagus]

NICE POST THE COMMERCIAL WRECKED THE EXPERIANCE...

[TheloniousDrake7]

lol "that's what the economy is going to be like for a while"

[mirza6399]

i remember seeing this when the top rated comment was,

'I AM GETTING A LOT OF HAND JOBS'

[klasomentas]

@mirza6399 it's not the top comment anymore because prices fell.

[rawfflecakes]

i was fooled by the pedosaur story but this one?? cmoooon

[tunastrike11]

bet these guys like it uo the cornhole fucken fags

[103196Douglas]

@tunastrike11

I bet you're insecure about your hidden homosexuality.

[tunastrike11]

@103196Douglas i dont have anything to do with these coments fuckstik its a well used sight and your more likely a fag then me.

[103196Douglas]

@tunastrike11

...Make that make sense, then try to insult me.

[yellowcougar18]

Good for Stubby- I was rooting for the guy.

[KPMartin386]

two hand jobs for a pack of smokes. I wonder how many packs I can get if I offer a blow Job. or even some anal action.

[st3phenJC]

"i am getting a lot of handjobs" LMFAO

[daveibukun]

hahahahhahahahhahahaha, CNBC hahahhahahaha.

[dbfan2scfan]

I love the part where the anchor is like "how nervous are investors?"

and the expert says: "well it's hard to tell since most of them have trained themselves to never show fear"

rofl

[mbm13213]

prizons iz not good fo buttholez

[lordikim]

Fucking hilarious

[a7x9274]

Hand Job O.o

[DJSexLeopard]

Nice title lol

[javed86]

PAUSE at 1:27 and read the bottom scroll. Before doing so, eradicate any food/drink in hand

[JNS033]

HILARIOUS!!!!!!

[puppiez1234]

Oh man economics today! * hand on face* sigh*

[Cameron042393]

ANYONE ELSE SEE HANDJOBS???

[Cameron042393]

ANYONE ELSE SEE HANDJOBS???

[PapaKpin]

haha, replay and read the ticker!

[djtrixen]

I'm gettin a lotta handjobs.

[TRIPLESIXSICCNESS]

lmao

[The11colek]

what the hell is a muff bag

[rdavian]

LLOL's



[viking977]

we need more prison news

[whatfay357]

anybody who dont find this vidio funny ass hell has zero sence of humer, no life, and below the age of 12.

[bookiecalli05]

this is fuckin awesome

[Yardy55]

ROLF!!!....TOOK ME 30 SECONDS TO FIGURE OUT ITS B.S...THOUGHT THEY WAS SERIOUS LOL

[Heliosphan15]

@Yardy55

ROFL AT "ROLF"

[MEC7991]

what the fuck? was this even fucking real? Who the hell studies this shit? I mean who gives a fuck about which bitch is jerking who and for what?

[bagelisdelish]

@MEC7991 dumb.

[pandaman20]

@MEC7991 Really?? Can you stop you're pointless swearing for two seconds and realize that the onion is a comedy news network. Welcome to sarcasm, I can tell it's gonna be a bitch for you.

[Sicklx]

195 people gave handjobs for cigarettes for real!

[yellowstoneinc]

But hey? Thats the way the market is going to be for a while.... LMAO!!!

[OmegaPointZealot]

*is ironic about how lame it is to quote the video and gets even more thumbs up...?*

[87kittygirl]

What is this from?

[Zlindsey120]

lol this shit is awesome

[niceworkmicrosoft]

These people are brilliant

[MrBigEnchilada]

lollllooo

[ZuluThebes]

YES TOILET WATER IS GOING UP IN STOCK!!!!

[HEADBANGBALLER]

Big Dap is a savvy distributor! Monitor your assets, supply will normalize and we'll be seeing one hand job or less for a pack of cigs. Can't argue with the Big Dap!

[actrecord]

Hand jobs> Meaning a hot girl will give you one?

[MrProphet24]

haha that black guy in prison is in the wire!

[misterg1977]

glad I quit

[danncingpenny123]

Those snitches deserved it.

[AntisocialGB]

Getting online degrees do little to stop anal rape.. The truth.

[drktigger]

Vernon went to prison lol

[yurgoindown]

What the fuck!! WHERE IS OUR NATION GOING WHEN STORIES LIKE THIS ARE AT THE FOREFRONT OF THE NEWS?!?!?!?!?!

[marcluc1988]

@yurgoindown You don't really think this is for real, do you?

[yurgoindown]

@marcluc1988 You don't really think this is fake, do you? Honestly, retard, do you not know the difference between news and fiction anymore? Has the media desensitized you so thoroughly into a state of complete ignorance?!

[SpandexOrDeath]

@yurgoindown Did you bite an onion recently?

[ThePierrekirbyfanboy]

@yurgoindown You be trollin bro.

[senhorengenheiro]

"im getting allotta hanjobs" cracked me up

[andmaketherain]

What's excellent about this satire, is that it is a metaphor for the real raping of the capitalistic system...

[BuckeyePanda]

prime onion. you can watch 6 times and still not catch everything... more importantly you look forward to watching it that 7th time.

[waytomuchsparetime]

worth a hand job lmao

[quiniroyce]

lol "online degrees do little to stop anal rape"

[killingseason777]

up from 1.502 handjobs? wat?

[iwanttocrashmybike]

I love that part " in happier news two snitches were beaten to death"

But whats with that ludacris bullshit two commercials per video wtf??!?!?!?!?!?

We should call youtube out on that ,,,,two commercials per vid .....i just dont know anymore.......

[PipeSmokerDale]

How do people not understand that the onion news is fake? Please do your research before posting comments that make you the punching bag of all our jokes.

[timytim4prez]

@PipeSmokerDale Exactly, I don’t know which is funnier, Onion or the posts from morons who contemplate that its real, LMAO!!!!!

[Jagjits03]

is this real???????? fake

[imsosilky]

FUCK this is gonna bury me AND nd is a big blow my prison handjob company

[fpsterrorproduction]

Lol the blackmarket and a black guy

[federalist29]

"I am getting a lot of handjobs."

[mrtundra45]

''on to happier news in atlanta today two snitches were beaten to death'' lol

[Rexi232]

'Study: Online degrees do little to stop anal rape.'

best.quote.ever.

[theirishinc]

This is the best one! LMAO

[PlyrMava]

I love Onion News Network. That is all.

[loveofwolfs]

1:50 ticker. thats all I have to say about that.

[loveofwolfs]

Keep eye on ticker at :30



[Oxyster7]

I'm getn a lot of hand-jobs!

[TheUsername1029]

back in my day, cigarettes cost one handjob.

thanks to them damn liberals it will soon cost a blowjob AND stick of beef jerky

[theirishinc]

It was all traced back to the Brothers/Paisa Pop-Off at San Quinten!! LMAO!! ...And the influx of Punks at Chino!! LMAO!!!

[philisacoolguy]

lol it went up from 1.502 handjob. How would of that worked?

[molanlabexm15]

Supply will NORMALIZE. Monitor your assets.

[R6ASSHOLE]

Good news too snitches beaten to death.. that's funny..

[merrygaming4]

how can they not laugh??

[powereater]

I blame outsourcing

back in my days one handjob got you 3 packs and the jerky came free as a part of the package. that was when only bitches were allowed to give handjobs. now you outsource to these greeners and what you end up with is poor quality handjobs and expansive cigs.

[soccerdude120]

@powereater awsome explanation. inflation is such a bitch. We need to improve the bitches training ,increase the quality of Hand jobs to compensate for rising prices, perhaps screening bitches to weed out the ones who give shitty handjobs, its all part of my book called Pimpconomics, a Jail baller.

[ramafistfadge]

@powereater back in the day one hand job got you 1 packet of cigs,a can of coke an a mars bar!!! good times