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From: philhellenes
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  • Forget about jumping up and down or driving a car over their organic waste to make oil.

    The real money is in doing it with a steam roller and making it into a huge diamond.

  • Haven't you heard of Popoff's prayer handkerchiefs? only $25 and 100% gauranteed. but your experiences may vary.

  • Journal news 1 week later:

    "Thousands of people reported dead or very sick after working in a uranium mine without any protection. Unfortunetely, the sick people won't even receive any medical support for they have all quit their insurance last week for a "prayer insurance.""

  • FUCKING A! I was wondering when Kreashun Science was going to be applied!

  • My best friends are God fearing oil-men.

  • DerTromm1er, from Texas, here. I recently proposed your idea to Big Rich Oil Greedy Bastard (we're neighbors - in Texas, that means "within a few hundred miles of each other"). He said they'd already considered that (lunar oil drilling), but it was deemed legally unfeasible due to the fact that the moon is the only known natural habitat of the extremely endangered Invisible Pink Unicorn.

    But your other ideas? Golden!

  • Dude, how could you forget to tell them not to spend money on vaccinations, when new dangerous viruses cannot evolve?

  • I didn't forget. I just didn't want it on my conscience if they followed my "advice". :)

  • Hold on,just have to become a Christian before making that call. Right,lets see. .read the Bible & believe it,ignore my rational & logical thinking. .

    (cries) it must be satan within me,i've failed

  • Shit that was funny. And so so true.

  • That was fucked up! Not all greedy-Texas-oil-bastards are creationists. Take me for instance.

  • If oil can be found on the moon, an additional benefit is that while startup costs are high, shipping becomes cheap: just escape the Moon's gravity (far easier than on earth, because of low gravity and no wind resistance), with trajectory targets just offshore to your customers. You could even process en route, using energy captured by a kind of combination parachute / turbine to capture the potential energy from your falling shipping craft.

  • Point on your first idea:

    Medical insurance is not a requirement in the US, and costs between $40 and $200 a month, depending on your medical condition.

    Still, wouldn't stop them from forming a prayer insurance company.

  • Great harsh Northern pronounciation 'bastard', Phil : "Big. Rich. Oil. Greedy. BASStard."

    You make a strong case for it. I however am partial to the posh overstretched A with a light O sound in it - the Southern pronounciation : "Big. Rich. Oil. Greedy. BAOAAstard. (Obviously I'm no liguist.)

    Oh and there is no God, so good work Phil.

  • how can u prove there is no God?

  • One word: spiders.

  • I'm sure they lied to get onto capitol hill. lol the stuff creationists say is funny, it's supplied me with hours of entertainment

  • For the hedge trimmings idea, I think they think you'll need a global flood for that.

  • Yes we do! If you are familiar with Kongs they're just like that except rather than using dog biscuits we use small children. The kids just love being tossed around the yard. You can hear them screaming with laughter. Well I'm pretty sure it's laughter.

  • LOL hilarious!

    Do you want to get into this great oil making opportunity but can't a hole big enough. Here at Jesus Tech we can help. For only $19.95 we will come to your place and create a massive hole, using our patented Ground Opening Devise. That's right we use GOD.

    If you order right now, we'll send you not one but 2 dinosaur eggs. Just keep warm until they hatch, they make great pets.

    A $400 value for only $19.95.

    Warning: Dinosaur may cause injury or death. Jesus Tech not responsible.

  • Count me IN! We're gonna be rich, RICH I tell ya!

    Do you sell chew toys for T-Rexes?

  • A4AF.

    Phil does have a way with words, no question.

    His claim that it takes millions of years to make oil falls flat though. You can make oil in days or less. Which leads to bigger questions, no?

  • Mikey,

    Could you enlighten Phil and myself.

  • A4AF, I have already showed Phil these links, but if you have time, could you check them out & see what you think?

    Just copy & paste the following into Google, then choose the 3rd link down from the top;

    w w w . treehugger . com/files/2006/03/biooil_growi­ng . php

    There's others as well.

  • Mickey,

    I meant no sarcasm in my previous message.

  • Mickey,

    Is it the Science + Technology link?

  • A4AF, when I Google;

    w w w . treehugger . com/files/2006/03/biooil_growi­ng . php

    The 3rd one down is;

    Bio-Oil: Growing Your Own Petroleum Substitute : TreeHugger

  • Oops, sorry I missed the google part.

  • Mickey,

    Oh yea you're right. Someone I know took a diesel engine and some kind of special thing to run off bio-stuff. I know very scientific terms :)

    However, this is not petroleum.

  • A4AF > "However, this is not petroleum."

    True. Here's part of the article;

    "Bio-oil is produced through a process called pyrolysis, in which organic scrap materials are finely ground and heated at 400 to 500 degrees Celsius, without oxygen. In just two seconds, ... is condensed into bio-oil; the end result looks surprisingly similar to petroleum."

    2 seconds!!! Maybe the reason for the difference in chemical composition?

    Interesting though, huh.

  • A4A's tech in question is just a filter; a diesel engine can run off of filtered waste veggy oil. If it's a larger device, it's likely a scaled down trans-ester plant (how bio-diesel is made), but I would wonder how much methanol he goes through per tank-full.

  • A4AF, here's another;

    w w w . mindfully . org/Energy/2003/Anything-Into-­Oil1may03 . htm

    Same deal, copy & paste into Google. This time it's the first hit.

    Here's a snippet to whet your appetite;

    "The offal-derived oil, is chemically almost identical to a number two fuel oil used to heat homes."

  • Ahhh, TCP. Excellent tech. I wish it would get more widely adopted.

    Or better: scaled down for home use. Imagine the contents of your insinkerator and the output of your toilet being converted into fuel. It'd save significantly on transport costs by using what energy you don't capture from your food.

  • Hey Fordi.

    Ya, TCP as you described could really revolutionize energy access & distribution problems (costs).

    I'm focussed on solar/hydrogen/electric energy myself, but I could easily incorporate TCP.

  • Is it sick and twisted of me to actually think about doing this just to see the reaction I would get? lol

  • If I had the technology to record the calls, I would have made a few. ;)

  • Obviously God made the oil pre-fossilized, just like he made the light already in transit from stars billions of miles away, and the way he made the Earth seem round, even though the Bible clearly states that it is flat. This has all been done to test our faith. Duh!

  • I'll convert tomorrow. ;)

  • phil.

    Good news! I'll take care of your baptism tomorrow!

    Concerning tip #3.

    They've been 'creating' oil for a few years now. Several companies, as well as do-it-yourselfers, make oil in mere hours or days... not your aforementioned 100 million years!

    Please see;

    w w w . treehugger . com/files/2006/03/biooil_growi­ng . php

    w w w . mindfully . org/Energy/2003/Anything-Into-­Oil1may03 . htm

    w w w . worldnetdaily . com/index . php?fa=PAGE . view&pageId=59402

  • Great. The fuel crisis is over! ;)

  • Unprotected double-shift uranium mining without Medicare. They'd make a killing all right. *dies laughing*

  • lol wow for somebody that has a thing for details you know fuck all about america friend.

  • the fact that you're associating all americans as creationist..

    I want to fucking kill you right now.. come on my ts server and lets have a chat please

  • Jes8us Christ said; "he who lives by the sword, dies by the sword". If the men on Capitol Hill wrere God fearing we would not be at war with Iraq or Afghanistan. The men on Capitol Hill are liars.

  • Good heavens! We agree on something. I wouldn't say they were all liars, but when they get close to having influence somebody will "buy" them, or even go out and get some dirt on them (and ofc, let the official concerned KNOW somebody has dirt on them.

    We have to remove wealth as a factor for who can run for office, and we have to find a way to make it acceptable for politician to be elected even when they are scruffy and or ugly. Wisdom doesn't dress like a peacock.

  • We've got to stop listening to these goddamned scientists. Fucking geologists have the age of the world - something in their area of expertise - wrong by billions of years! Fucking biologists have the biological history of humans - something in their area of expertise - completely wrong! Fucking physicists have not only radiometric dating methods, but the entire physical history of the universe - something in their area of expertise - wrong, wrong, wrong! Fuck me! Scientists must be idiots!

  • HoHoHo. You're tring to hard...

  • BRILLIANT! best movie ever

  • Brilliantly done! Thanks for putting this together!

  • I'll be blunt - ignorant and poorly worded, the first few points anyway.

    How many creationists do you know personally? They have a not more respect for science than you think.

    But then, all comedy of the absurd is based on ignorance of some kind, I guess.

  • When you say creationists have respect for science all I hear is a liar or an idiot. Honestly, what fucking planet are you from?

    Grand canyon madee in 5 minutes? Noah and the flood? World 6,000 years old? Dinosaurs lived alongside man? Dismissing radiometric dating?

    WHAT RESPECT?!?

    Fuck off, mate. You're a liar OR an idiot, maybe both.

  • Do peaple really believe the worlds 6000 years old really or do they pretend to so that they protect there beliefs but hang on if they don't believe it then its not there beliefs why do they protect it oh i see yep i see now

  • its like when you spell something wrong an easy word and ya see that ya have you pretend to think ye spelled it write so ya don't have to admit you was wrong and look stupid this is something kids do but i remember dawkins saying religious peaple are in a state of infancy or somthing

  • lmao!! this is going into my favorites.

  • I think it will be very happy there. :)

  • I've favorited this video...OMG it's funny.

    Thanks!

  • You are brilliant! I could watch you all day and night. What a mind. You definitely have GOT IT.

    May the force be with you. LOL.

    J.T.

    Boynton Beach, FL.

  • Hilarious!

  • I must say I didn't enjor the mockery very much. And most of what you said about Christians was not true, but I must say, that was the funniest 'anti-creationist' movie I've ever seen. I'm sure the people in hell will think it's funny to.

  • No such place. No such thing. But thanks for the, er, thought.

  • I'm glad I found your videos--subscribed. Hey, I think you're wrong about the compost. I have horses, and so far, I'm still waiting for my horses to pay for themselves with their oil. ;-)

  • Only a matter of time... ;)

  • how about recombining dna to construct tyranosaurs for creationist childrens pets. just like jurasic park oh sorry mosaic park obvously. or what about diy crusifixion for the creationist who wants to get nearer to god. marvelouse.

  • Wonderful suggestions....especially the Trex DNA. I'd pay to watch Kent Hovind take his new pet a carrot to munch on. :)

  • the way creationists are carying on it almost makes you feel empathy for the myth of christians being fed to lions. maybe we should insist on teasching evolution and atheism in religouse education classes just as an alternative for balance. or what about church surmons having to include the evolution position just for balance.

  • Dunno if you make vids but maybe you ought to think about it. You have a lot of ideas (so good I may steal some). Equal time for atheism in religious class? GREAT idea!

    As the Creationists say, "Teach the controversy".

    Cuts both ways;)

  • ime not making video's at the moment but ide like to have to figure it out. fill your boots.

  • UPDATE: still nothin' but liquified cat shit...

  • Have you tried putting it in your gas tank?

  • Nah, I'm going off of my olfactory sense... I'm pretty sure I want to keep my car up and running ;) We can try it in yours if you want... or maybe there's a creationist willing to take the risk. Kent Hovind, maybe??? ;)

  • Oh, unfortunately, I don't think that guy is QUITE as stupid as some think. He's more selfish than stupid.

  • Whatever you want to call him, (I will agree with you on the more selfish than stupid bit)... I doubt anyone is getting much use from his car, I say we use it to prove him wrong and re-"educate" his poor sheep.

    OR maybe it will WORK and we can all live happily with the knowledge that the creationists were right all along and that Satan invented evolution ;P

  • I knew an elderly Mormon woman in Australia who didn't have motor vehicle insurance because she figured she was a good christian and god was watching over her... then her car was stolen.

  • LOL. Did she become an atheist overnight, or did she assume God didn't want her to drive and never bought another car, or maybe, just maybe (and this is a real shot in the dark) did she start telling people God wanted the thief to have a car?

  • LOL. No, nothing so interesting. She just touted the age old rhetoric 'the lord works in mysterious ways'...

  • As far as the time it takes NATURALLY to make oil, the specific time seems to debatable.

    Here's a couple of estimates;

    By Ker Than, LiveScience Staff Writer -

    "Scientists aren't really sure, but they figure it's probably on the order of hundreds of thousands of years."

    And...

  • BRAD LEMLEY / Discover v.24, n.5, 1may03 --

    "However, Earth takes its own sweet time doing this—generally thousands or millions of years—because subterranean heat and pressure changes are chaotic."

    Considerably less than your citation of 100-300 million years.

  • I think you have a theological axe to grind, which is why you missed the point. It's not about the upper figure of 100-300 million years (which you can find coming from the pens of far smarter and more learned people than myself). It's about the lower figure. It's about creationists NOT believing what they say they believe. If they believe the Earth is 6000 years old, they SHOULD be trying to make new oil-fields. They don't because don't really believe it.

  • Hi phil.

    I'm theological I suppose, but no axe to grind.

    Personally, I don't think oilfields are the way to go. I have a much more innovative concept that I'm developing right now... but that's another thread.

  • Hopefully other 'theologians' & anybody else are investigating non hydrocarbon based fuels as well.

    It seems that you've missed the main point here as well. Did you go to the webpage I mentioned? Brian Appel is making hydrocarbon based fuels in a matter of hours. Those ARE the "... new oil-fields.".

  • It's not about oil. It's about creationists and how they don't believe what they say they believe. ;)

  • Actually Phil, I do know what you mean.

    Sometimes it IS just 'hopeful' reiteration.

    Done it myself. Try not to anymore. The 'healing' part, is something I'm very interested in. I've experienced mixed results in that area. Doesn't mean I'm finished learning about it, though.

    But I won't embellish either.

  • Hi phil.

    Well done! Your answers to the comments are most comical, too.

    This video got me curious as to how long it DOES take to make hydrocarbons suitable for fuel. Interestingly enough, the process (manmade) of creating burnable hydrocarbons has been going for a few years at least. Brian Appel, chairman and CEO of Changing World Technologies, has a way of making burnable hydrocarbons in a matter of *HOURS*.

    w w w DOT mindfully DOT org/Energy/2003/Anything-Into-­Oil1may03 DOT h t m

  • Aha! I did it! I made crude oil!--- Ohhhh... that's mud... Well, no problem; I can just put it in my engine, then pray for god to make it into oil. After all, why not? there's mud somewhere after every rainfall, and it's not like i'm just doing this for myself- It would be environmentally healthy too. (why won't my car start?)

  • LOL I couldn't stop laughing at "Uranium mining"

  • I'm off to stomp on my compost heap :-)

  • you constant attack'ism is really uncharacteristic of someone as intelligent as you. For god sakes, leave religious zealots alone, and concentrate on what made me watch you in the first place... Go back to bringing complicated scientific ideas to terms with people who might have trouble understanding it otherwise.

    If all you do is preach about how bad religion is, then you've in effect become a preacher, and by proxy what you hate.

  • I think I can do both. I think both need to be done. And because I firmly believe this, I have no choice in the matter.

  • Screw him, Phil. We love it when you bust some religious balls.

  • Don't encourage the Christians Phil!

  • I thought they might be overjoyed that I have finally found a prediction based on creationism; the prediction being that you can make fossil fuels in under a thousand years. I presume the creationists will start doing it on an industrial scale...or maybe they know deep down it's all crap (another of my predictions). :)

  • Brilliant!! 5/5, faved!

  • The pleasure was all mine, FOD. May your beard never itch. :)

  • @8:10

    those texan christians are still using rotary phones aye?

  • I'm an old bastard, ok? :)

  • Uranium mining! lol

  • heheheheheheheh!

  • Damn Petroleumist. You sit there so pleased with yourself.

    Everyone knows that there's a 200 mile thick layer of cheese to drill through before you get to the lunar oil.

  • If you had one couple(Adam and Eve) and they procreate and have two sons Cain and Abel. Where does the rest come from. Did they fuck Momma?

  • yea

  • What type of fuel would we get if we compressed christians?

  • Organic fertilizers perhaps?

  • biomass fuel

  • We could even bequeath our bodies, not to science, but to the backyard oil pit. Just think you, yes YOU could light a sparkplug! And all it will take is a little pressure. Why, we're almost there already. Haven't we been under pressure all our lives? This is just precious!

  • lol!!!!!

  • Brilliant!

    You should sell this system on late night tv!

  • Why do you disslike creationists so much??

  • I don't! It's brainwashing and liars I detest. Sometimes, to help someone wake up, you need to slap them. These FUCKERS want to teach stupidity instead of the awesome reality of evolution, not to mention astrophysics. To me that is dragging humanity back into a pit. The last time we were in it, it took 1,500 years to get out. We may not have another 1,500 years to spare. Sorry for my language. They don't really believe it, or they'd start "making" oil tomorrow.

  • You know Phil, I've tried a similar experiement and all I got was fertilizer for my garden.... what'd I do wrong... I'll try again - just to prove a negative, which I can't but what the hell, it'll be FUN!

  • You know that switch you use to turn on the lites with ... there's electric behind it, and its only because science says that it wont jump out of the switch and JOLT you that it doesnt.

    How about a wish list ? Faithers can get their wishes (prayers) answered by someone over the phone ... wait a min, they already do that ...

  • Hilarious isn't it! :O

  • Before I even watch the video, I KNOW its going to be good. So here is your 5 stars. ha. Oil definitely takes more than 6k years. :)

  • Or DOES it?

    ;)

    I want the Creationists to invest in going back to the Moon for oil. It's about time they did something for the advancement of Mankind, even if they have to be tricked into it by using their ignorance against them.

  • I want them to leave the moon alone... it's my moon damnit, and they can't have it! Seriously, what if they screw with velocities and gravitational pulls and effectively cause apocolypse (or serious catastrophic damage to the earth) BEFORE the "rapture" and then we're stuck with 'em forever... unless we all die off, but it depends on how much damage they do.

  • absolutely hilarious :D

  • I've noticed the creationists are far too busy digging holes and sweeping up leaves to comment. Many atheists will lose their shrubbery this night.

  • nee! nee!

  • I thought at least ONE would get it. :)

  • AHA! The thinking has served you well. Speechless, really, a stroke of brilliance that could ONLY come from your mind.

    SO entertained, and really looking forward to knocking on the church's door for a cup of fuel. Might really change my thoughts on investing in a vehicle.

  • you left out another option...and unlike you, I DO expect a cut if it works...if GOD DID IT and he put the oil there from the beginning...then why not just PRAY FOR MORE!?

  • Why...that's just CRAZY! :)

    I think I'll include your suggestion in another video of creationist financial advice. I sense there are a few more miles left in this.

  • Remember though....my advice ISN'T free!

  • how many takes did you do because you ruined this video because you couldnt stop laughing at what you were saying ?

  • It was one take, but I cut a bit where I said leaves fall off trees in SUMMER. I believe autumn is the correct month for such a phenomenon. ;)

  • seems a bit far fetched. Maybe you should start with something smaller, like covincing creationist that flu shots going around now are not necessary because if they take a flu shot, they are really supporting evolution. =)

  • GOOD STUFF

  • lmao you have reached a new plateau with this video, i don't think there was a period longer than 6 seconds where i was not roflmao.

  • brilliant as always :)

  • Nah. Smartass, sure. :)

  • ahhaha, this is hilarious, phil you should change your account to the COMEDIAN now

  • COMEDY? This was merely an attempt to follow creationism to a rational conclusion. Don't creationists want make a few trillion dollars for Jesus? I'm only surprised no creationists have thought of this before, unless, of course, they KNOW it's all crap.

  • deep inside, they certainly don't believe the Earth is 6 000 years old, yet they close their eyes and fall deep into la-la land

  • they don't need oil to make money, they've got the "Hinn" ;)

  • omfg, do you really think that I'm so stupid, just because I'm a creationist? You know, I just pray for money and then God gives me money! I don't need to sell oil for that! But I don't want money, that's the reason I never pray for it...

    haha

  • Can you pray to get me some money?

  • No, You're Not Allowed To Test god!

  • Well, Mars' radius is half that of Earth, but otherwise this video is another great one.

    I am thoroughly amazed that to this day, AD 2007, there are still people who even remotely consider creation. Not to mention believe in it to the death.

    But anyway, maybe it's just me.

  • You misunderstood, but after listening to the vid again I can see why. I was talking about drilling on the moon then I said "or Mars, which is a bigger planet." I meant bigger than the Moon, though I can see how my use of the word "planet" threw you.

  • Well, I knew you couldn't possibly make such a mistake.

    And in fact, you didn't.

    I don't know how many times you've heard this, but keep up the good job. I really appreciate your work.

  • this sounds like a ground floor opportunity! the potential for a Creationist Mutual Fund containing these seeds of financial wisdom underwritten by Neocon Securities. unaffected by the whims of world financial markets but hedged by the power of prayer. ;) look out the 'amero' is on its way!

  • Brilliant!!

    Phil, you never cease to amaze me. Great idea, great video.

  • Just thinking outside the box, or in this case out of my tree. :)

  • Hey I'm not a creationist, but it all worked! and I made all that money. It's more than $ 1,000,000... thank you so much!

  • sounds like an ideal opportunity for one of those super fun chain letters.

  • Damn. I knew dumping those grass clippings over my wall was a bad idea. My neighbour is erecting an oil well as we speak.

  • Sigh. There's always next Autumn, but by then the word will have got out and the price of crude will have plummeted to almost nothing.

  • great :)

    it really shows the narrow-mindedness of creationism.

  • If they don't invest a few billion in trying to "make" oil artificially, I think it shows they don't believe their own propaganda, which to me is even worse than stupidity. A fool I can always forgive. A liar, especially one who tries to stop others, particularly the young, from thinking, from learning...now THAT is unforgivable.

  • "Maybe drive your car across a few planks on top of it...". Heh. That put a smile on my face. It seems so right. You've got to spend oil to earn oil. :) Thanks.

  • It's all logical when you think about it. ;)

  • Did God predict exactly and to millimetre precision the continental drift that has moved our landforms around since the formation of Gondwala and, if so , why didn't he make it like it is now in the beginning?

    Thanx for promoting more thought Phil and LET H.I.M SPEAK!!!!!!

  • I monitor all communications. Your attempt to alert "The Other" to my existence has been noted, and machines never forget. Stock up on toilet tissue. A thousand foot tall robot will be coming to your town very soon. Sweet.

  • I thought you smashed that bastard?

  • When will you initiate Armageddon, oh mighty H.I.M?

    Peace Be Unto H.I.M!

  • Why stop there? Let's get rid of the doctors - those crazy quacks don't know anything anyway, right? Surgery, antibiotics, "germs". PSH! Everyone knows that bleeding is the best way to cure disease! Bleeding and prayer.

    "All you need is a hole." LOL!

  • That they go to doctors BEFORE calling their priest is, I think, telling us something.

  • You... you... messenger of the devil... when the oil will be over the Apocalypse will follow and Jesus will come. Of course there is oil on the moon but if we use it we'll postpone the Apocalypse. I drive a monster truck every day and I spend all my money on gas so the oil ends sooner.

  • too funny

  • Too kind.

  • Love the "home made oil" idea, pure genius, am digging big pit right now, I'll give it a couple of weeks and let you know how it goes

  • I have some old lettuce leaves. Do I get shares for any investment I make?

  • Sorry, Billy, I won't work. The bio matter you are using has only absorbed slow light not the light when it moved much faster as it did when Jesus created everything. Without that fast light in the plants it will take you far to long to get oil from it.

    florinmiu's comment is wrong. There is no oil on the moon and the Apocalypse can't be "postponed" since we can't make more with slow light.

    It's science people.

  • The only reason you're note the most popular atheist on YouTube is poor sound quality.

    Thanks for the vid.

  • I have to give the others a fighting chance. :)

  • I think that it was very sweet and generous of you to be so helpful to the Christians!

  • Well, I drive and petrol prices are bugging me, so my motives aren't as generous as they may seem. ;)

  • As always amusing!!

    Peace!

  • "You can really make a killing" ROFL that one made me snort liquid through my nose, which was a really painful experience. Please don't do that to me unannounced! ^_^

  • I reserve the right to make you snort liquid as and when I am able. Ofc, you retain the right to not drink while watching. :)

  • I guess I'm going to have to be extra careful not to drink while watching, then ;o)