The Work of Byron Katie - Fear of disapproval

[cuntsip]

How can you dislike this!?

[robinspillman]

reasoning here!

[ILOVE2FeelGOOD]

I do The Work every day - it helps me find peace with myself and the world I created. I so appreciate these wonderful clips, they always bring me home to my beautiful self.

[may1986ful]

I love The Work, it helped me a lot through things, but I never know what to do after I finished my worksheet and made the turn arounds. Because somehow I still fail to embrace reality.

It's hard to write I'm looking forward to be disapproved or to be rejected and it's even harder to kind of accept it emotionally.

Hope you guys can help me out with some advise...

[MsDaryna]

@may1986ful When I was working with my issues and doing turn arounds, it helped greatly to find a reason why turnaround is true.

For example, I look forward to be rejected, because this suffering will help me to awaken. I look forward to be rejected because it brings power back to me, shows me that I can still live and breathe and that I do not depend on other's mercy.

Try to find your own genuine examples, why it might be good for you. Don't stop with just a turnaround, give it life

[alexzracer2008]

@may1986ful Go to nosocialanxiety its a channel

[philinmotion]

@may1986ful I'd inquire that thought "I fail to embrace reality" :P

make yourself at ease, you don't have to embrace reality. just a thought :)

[amulette24]

i'm not sure exactly what you are asking but if you are saying you cannot deal with rejection or disapproval from my own experience i can say the best remedy is to love yourself.. it heals .. it does wonders... not just with rejection .. with everything going on in your life.. LOVE YOUR SELF.. your dreams.. your body .. your ideas, no matter right or wrong.. your emotions.. everything.. no matter right or wrong.. positive negative.. good bad.. etc.. just love yourself :)

[ILOVE2FeelGOOD]

@may1986ful What a wonderful response, you really got it :-)

[Mikerobeer]

I love Katie! The work works for me!!!

[MsDaryna]

When I was watching BK doing the Work with Opra, she was asking her several times to give an answer and commit to a "yes" or a "no". When doing work our mind often resists and wonders, and we are reluctant to commit to an honest answer. So it can sometimes seem that BK is pressuring. But later on in the interview she explained: "The Work stops working when you do not want to answer questions honestly"

[StrivingWolf]

@MsDaryna

Yes, and I can see now - to a certain extent - why it's necessary to answer with a "yes" or a "no". :-)

[StrivingWolf]

This is one of the very first videos with Byron Katie that I see, and I have to see I felt some fear and aversion -- something I didn't feel when I watched Eckhart Tolle for the first time. I'm not sure what to think of these feelings, but I want to be honest to myself. Another point: the girl's problem doesn't seem to be: 'I need other people's approval', but: 'It hurts when I don't get other people's approval'. How could you solve that problem?

[alexzracer2008]

@StrivingWolf You mean disapproval?

[StrivingWolf]

@alexzracer2008

Not disapproval, but the hurt when you don't get people's approval. But I'm beginning to see now what Byron Katie means, how her method works. I still have my doubts, but I'm not so negative about them anymore. :-)

[alexzracer2008]

It sound like your "lacking" approval, so in other words lonely. You might want to check out Osho, he has taught me alot.

[StrivingWolf]

@alexzracer2008

Thanks, Alex. I've read some texts by Osho, and they sure make sense, but I prefer Eckhart Tolle and 'plain Buddhism'.

[oneeyethenoo]

The pressure you feel noself512 is the pressure you feel in yourself. It is impossible to feel another persons feelings. What you feel is your feelings but you 'believe' they are theirs. It's always your projection onto another.

I held my brother after he was run over by a truck. I saw fear and dread in his face. It was my fear and dread mirrored back to me. He could well of been content inside, or he could of been full of fear.... I cannot know, but I can know what was coming from me.

[noself512]

You'll note that I didn't say I felt pressure, I said that it SEEMS BK is pressuring the girl. Projections everywhere...maybe you're the one projecting?

[oneeyethenoo]

Let me put 'MY-self' in the position of making that same comment that you made then. "It does seem (a feeling that is created within ME from a thought that 'I' am thinking) BK is pressuring the girl. A different person might of felt BK was happy and loving towards the girl, yet another person may of felt an un-just attack on the girl was happening. 'I' felt it as pressure within me. The problem then was 'ME' all along. So you didn't 'have' to say you felt no pressure....... truth is, you did.

[StrivingWolf]

But isn't there a certain PROBABILITY that another person is feeling what you think that they are feeling? And isn't that helping us to respond to people's problems in an compassionate way?

[noself512]

I think joseph has a good point. I always like to hear a dissenting voice. When I watch the video, it does seem that BK is pressuring the girl.

These days I question all perspectives, and don't dismiss anything without going into it. I notice joseph has marks of disapproval against his posts - rather ironic in this context.

I still think life is all about our stories. As I question my beliefs the less I know and the happier I am.

And even this post is perspective. Just a bunch of words.

[fredfour]

"no matter what facade you put up to win our approval, often you don't get it anway... and you also don't get yours" aha moment

[josephuschippus]

A woman with a fear of disapproval comes to Byron Katie for guidance. BK: "You need our approval--is it true?" "In some aspects, yes." "Is it a yes or no?" "Probably more of a no." "Can you absolutely know that it's true?" "No."

Do you see what happened here? A woman with a fear of disapproval was pressured by a disapproving authority figure into giving the "correct" answer. BK did not offer any reasons why this is "not true," she just encouraged an insecure girl to give the answer she wanted.

[p3rdyp1nkr0ses]

She did go on to explain as to why it's not true later on, which is why she went back to the girl at the end.

[crystiedawn]

The correct answer is a yes or a no. Going with a "sometimes" doesn't resolve or release the thought. And no, BK doesn't go with reasons for why yes or no would be correct.

She says that going with anything else leads to more stories and stress--which also means avoidance of our own thoughts and dishonesty with ourselves.

She encouraged an insecure woman to stop waffling and find her answers.

[josephuschippus]

Well, I don't go in for such absolutistic nonsense. "Do you need our approval... can you absolutely know that it's true." Well, it's never going to be true or false in ALL situations. I need a bank's approval to get a loan. I need the approval of higher-ups to get a promotion. I don't need anyone's approval to go to buy cigarettes, unless I'm under 18. The idea of going through our lives thinking, "I don't need the approval of others!" just just laughably arrogant, simplistic thinking.

[rowrowboat]

Different level of 'need' being talked about. BK means: if you can still breathe without it, then at the most basic level of truth, you don't need it. There's nothing easy or simplistic about recognising that while you need your bank's approval to get a loan, you don't need the loan to exist or be happy. The Work gives you space around self-created dogma. If the girl feels uncomfortable, then she can question if she HAS to believe anything BK says - that's the essence of the method.

[josephuschippus]

Two more points: 1) Telling yourself a nice untruth will not "release the thinking." If you want to cut through discursive thinking, do shamatha meditation for 30 minutes a day. Accept no substitutes or shortcuts. 2) The power dynamic on display in this video, with an authority figure manipulating the psychology of a student, immediately made me think "cult." Byron Katie is making this girl rely on her for the correct answer, rather than guiding her through a process of self-inquiry.

[TMINDUK]

You are missing the point.

You need to look at yourself.

I don't see any power figure here.

Why do you?

Think about it!

[DrSerendip]

check it out again cause you didn't 'get it'.

[angelkny]

Kt teaches us through The Work how to live as kinder human beings--to everyone--to ourselves. She is truly a gift if you are open enough to receive and able to give it to yourself. Being in her presence, is even more profound. Her school is amazing. She calls it the school of you. giving you to yourself.

[Satrthere]

i completely agree with this video and i wish that it was all the exact opposite because this is what is killing us and making us feel horrible... i love byron katie!! (most times) :)

[NewNow4u]

I would get fearful that I was doing something wrong, so I got stressed and I constantly judge myself when I go into fear of disapproval. What a way NOT to Live!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think so little of myself that I thought I needed others to approve of me. Thanks!

Adele

[kaaliifire]

this one is so strong! and underlies so meny beliefs that are stressfull...

yet i think i need to work with the particular ones on the subjet, like: "i need A to approve of my work"

"i need B to approve of my looks" or " not to disapprove of my looks" or "stop commenting on my looks"

"i need C and D to like me... and find me gentle... and caring person... and a good teacher"...

etc...

[Balling117]

can some direct me to something else like this one about this and depression? Please

[PersephoneSwimming]

hi balling117, katie has an excellent piece working with a very depressed, suicidal man on her audiobook, "loving what is," her first book. can you buy this? there are tons of excellent inquiry conversations on it and it's her best book so far, IMO. if you can't get it just send me a message here on Utube i will try to get you more information, maybe i can send you an audio clip or a transcript of it. KT has talked a lot about depression. good luck to you, step by step!

[ShyneRomania]

we only have ONE life and it's short, we shouldn't waste the little time we have on this planet by worrying what others think about us! it took me many years to realise what's wrong with me and now I see how stupid it is, but hard to get it over with...fight it people! very good video

[Balling117]

i dunno how to :(

[innosensecal]

Is that true?!

[Balling117]

yes....and are you into philosophy???

[innosensecal]

I'm into this...... whether you call it philosophy or not is up to you.

[Balling117]

ohh..no! this has nothing to do with philosophy. I was just asking because of your name. I see the word "nonsensical" A LOT in the philosophy forums :)

[innosensecal]

Thats cos most philosophy is non sense i guess.

[TadRapidly]

There is hardly a more universal issue in modern civilization. To fix it: Learn how to say "NO" to people when you want to say NO. When they ask "WHY NOT"?!!! Say "I don't want to". When they say "Why don't you want to"?!!! Say "I don't know, I just don't want to". Repeat as necessary. Blessings to all.

[djenniferdawson]

I like the idea of asking myself, "Does this thought/action/person bring peace or stress into my life." Even to take a moment and stop, reflect, then act. Good stuff. Now I will go and read, "Loving What Is".

[thedanishglassblower]

I still think I need some answers to solve this problem. I guess when you need approval from other people is because you don't approve of yourself or respect yourself and then you lack some selfasteem. I didn't feel that the turn-around "I don't need others approval from others anymore" changed that much. How does one approve of her-/him self?

Otherwise I think she is bloody marvelous :)

[Frankspeare]

I have noticed that if someone criticizes me and I feel hurt, it's because inside of me I think they're right. If you said you didn't like my purple hair, I wouldn't be hurt at all, because my experience is I don't have purple hair. But if you said that my room is a mess, that one bites a little more, because that is my experience too. But even still, I'd have to believe that there is something wrong with having a messy room for it to really grab me.

[mrcitrus999]

you asked how do you approve of yourself

you love yourself unconditionally wether or not

you get others approval..

Your still breathing if someone disapproves of you.. so it isnt something you need..

only something you think you need..

And lies create stress. and arguing with reality.

[saleri]

What was the second turn around? I couldnt hear it properly.

[mrcitrus999]

i couldnt hear all of it either..

I think it was you cant please everyone all the time. so its hopeless. to seek approval from

everyone. all the time..

ITs also being in other peoples business.

[janetzee]

wow, thanks BK... my life coach turned me on to this site and I am so ready for what this woman has to say. I feel like my life is changing already without a lot of effort... sort of letting go. I am looking forward to this practice. !!!

[Pathrissia]

haha fuck theyre great

[Wulfgar12]

So how realise your loved as you are..?

How realise it..? In a way that you KNOW you are.

[gowalkingathinline]

We can never be true to ourselves as long as we are focused on gaining the approval of others. As long as we seek others approval they have ownership.

[sonicrabbithole]

yes. our own fear of others disapproval leads to our own disapproval of ourselves and of reality. without thought of approval or disapproval, we just exist.

[cuchopty]

This is so true. I can relate to everyone. That is so scarry

[LourdesAB]

I can relate so much to almost all the comments from the audience. Seeking approval renders me a slave to my "idea" of what others want of me, and a stranger to myself. And I've forgotten what I want, for myself!

[yasar1945]

Kathie really helps.I am very happy to know her in distance.

[razorio007]

ah...how beautiful the truth sounds.

[planestix]

What a beautiful being Byron Katie is!

[kensho3]

Look at the devastating effects pointed out by this group of just ONE misguided belief! Wow!

[peanutbutterbreakfas]

BEAUTIFUL. One of the best I've ever seen. Love you Katie. Thanks.

[calixtesaint]

This is one of the best!Thanks for the sharing!