I can see how it could be addictive to serial date, for me I am also dealing with some transfer but with something else. I see how it cycles for me and it is still pretty closely related to my hormones, but beyond that is still the emotional component. I think recognizing the issues and being honest about it with yourself is probably half the battle. We all just have to figure out the right balance which is so hard when we have been masking the issues for so long.
Really great video, you are brave for putting it out there. I understand exactly what you mean. Before my WLS, I had 5 years of martial turmoil, and to find myself now looking at dating when the last time I dated I was 18 years old, is very intimidating for me. It seems the only attention I get is negative attention from men, and the only POF messages I get are from horny 20 year olds. I almost don't even want to deal with it, but I really miss the closeness and intimacy of a relationship.
I am so here with you on this. I'm 11 months post-op and I am having such a hard time with men. I too hate being alone and want to be desired. That just ain't happening, so I'm like what wrong with me?? Thanks for this brave post.
You are ok! I promise you'll get through this and emerge a stronger person. I feel like what you're going through now might still be on the horizon for me - I'm in a stunned sort of state, in terms of my body and attraction to others - as I regain my balance in this new body. But I don't doubt that so many people with wls go through exactly what you're talking about. I hope you get a lot of great private messages and that you continue to share your vids.
Can I just add - and I know this is a smaller thing - that if I'd grown up getting flirted with by guys, it would seem like no big deal. But now, after 27 years of being "the friend" to boys or largely ignored, it can throw me for an emotional loop even to have the Starbucks barista be flirty? I know that's not the same thing, but if I were actively dating I could see the attention being addictive for sure. Big hugs, girl.
You've gotten some excellent advice so far. I just wanted to share with you the knowledge that we all want love and belonging. You're a teacher, so you must know about Maslow's hierarchy? You've fulfilled your food and water needs, now time for love and belonging. It's natural! It doesn't make you weird or abnormal. It's not even totally a post op thing. You've just finally let your guard down, now. Take your time. Don't rush into anything. The man who you want and who wants you is out there.
Thanks for your bravery. I'll admit something too - I was hoping that after losing nearly 160lbs that I would have men flirt with me even though I'm happily married. The only men who flirt with me appear to be mentally challenged. I always thought my weight was the issue now I wonder if it's my age. I don't give off "vibes" but I don't wear a ring anymore either (they don't fit any longer). Anyways, I guess I'm saying that I think the desire to be desired by others may not always go away!
Mandy...Thank you so much for putting this out there and for your honesty. It's so important that we talk about these issues for ourselves and for those to come along after us.I for one applaud you. I had a similiar situation even before I had surgery...and before Joe.
I met a lot of men online and of course it rarely ever went beyone a date or a couple of dates...and like you I had the " he didn't like me because I was fat" thing to stand on. I think this behavior was bad for me because it numbed me in a way...I got used to meeting people. When I met Joe I was confused and I think it was partly because I'd met so many people through the years...That coupled with my OCD causes problems with my relationship and still does at times.
Like you I never dated when I was younger...I was well known ,but always just "the friend" and nothing more. I think once we start feeling better and looking better it's a natural thing to like the attention we get...I know I do even now. Also with all of the hormone changes after surgery it doesn't help at all lol. I should have just wrote you but I wanted to put this out there too. I hope this helps you to know that you're not alone and I am here if you need to talk ok?
I'm not trying to give my opinion where it isn't wanted but just thought maybe I would make a suggestion. What if you sort of did what Julia Roberts did in Runaway Bride and specifically set aside a certain number of months and take that time to meet yourself including everything you like to do, don't like and who you are now before you share yourself with anybody. You deserve to have that relationship w/yourself before anybody else gets to. Thanks for your honesty. You ROCK!!!
Mandy...What courage you show by sharing this with others. Awareness and self-examination is such a big step in working on our issues and you have taken that step! Perhaps some short-term relationship counseling to help you sort through these issues so that you are able to make healthy relationship choices? Just a thought! I will keep you in my prayers!
you are so brave and i can tell you from private discussions that i have had with other wls peeps..you are not alone. i will speak with someone i know who is going thru this and see if she is willing to discuss..
hang in there.. i think we all sometimes feel like we crave "validation" from others, but peace comes when we can just be happy with our own validation.
I just sent you a rather long message - will you let me know if you got it? My youtube freaked out when I hit "send"
puhlease1 2 years ago
Thanks for posting this - I'm going to send you a private message because I'm WORDY :)
puhlease1 2 years ago
I can see how it could be addictive to serial date, for me I am also dealing with some transfer but with something else. I see how it cycles for me and it is still pretty closely related to my hormones, but beyond that is still the emotional component. I think recognizing the issues and being honest about it with yourself is probably half the battle. We all just have to figure out the right balance which is so hard when we have been masking the issues for so long.
freshorangina 2 years ago
Really great video, you are brave for putting it out there. I understand exactly what you mean. Before my WLS, I had 5 years of martial turmoil, and to find myself now looking at dating when the last time I dated I was 18 years old, is very intimidating for me. It seems the only attention I get is negative attention from men, and the only POF messages I get are from horny 20 year olds. I almost don't even want to deal with it, but I really miss the closeness and intimacy of a relationship.
freshorangina 2 years ago
I am so here with you on this. I'm 11 months post-op and I am having such a hard time with men. I too hate being alone and want to be desired. That just ain't happening, so I'm like what wrong with me?? Thanks for this brave post.
carmeldip32 2 years ago
You are ok! I promise you'll get through this and emerge a stronger person. I feel like what you're going through now might still be on the horizon for me - I'm in a stunned sort of state, in terms of my body and attraction to others - as I regain my balance in this new body. But I don't doubt that so many people with wls go through exactly what you're talking about. I hope you get a lot of great private messages and that you continue to share your vids.
katiejuly 2 years ago
Can I just add - and I know this is a smaller thing - that if I'd grown up getting flirted with by guys, it would seem like no big deal. But now, after 27 years of being "the friend" to boys or largely ignored, it can throw me for an emotional loop even to have the Starbucks barista be flirty? I know that's not the same thing, but if I were actively dating I could see the attention being addictive for sure. Big hugs, girl.
katiejuly 2 years ago
You are ok and you WILL get pass this . I Love You
iltommyd 2 years ago
Well you know my stance...I want to live in your world a while and date and you can live in mine : )....lol... I want to date..LOL..
Bravo....you look so cute! Thanks for sharing..although you already had with me : )
Love ya, Shannon
slcinoz 2 years ago
You've gotten some excellent advice so far. I just wanted to share with you the knowledge that we all want love and belonging. You're a teacher, so you must know about Maslow's hierarchy? You've fulfilled your food and water needs, now time for love and belonging. It's natural! It doesn't make you weird or abnormal. It's not even totally a post op thing. You've just finally let your guard down, now. Take your time. Don't rush into anything. The man who you want and who wants you is out there.
changeisgood46 2 years ago
Hi Mandy,
I'll send you a private message rather than comment here.
-Doug
inspector941 2 years ago
Thanks for your bravery. I'll admit something too - I was hoping that after losing nearly 160lbs that I would have men flirt with me even though I'm happily married. The only men who flirt with me appear to be mentally challenged. I always thought my weight was the issue now I wonder if it's my age. I don't give off "vibes" but I don't wear a ring anymore either (they don't fit any longer). Anyways, I guess I'm saying that I think the desire to be desired by others may not always go away!
YourWLBuddy 2 years ago
Mandy...Thank you so much for putting this out there and for your honesty. It's so important that we talk about these issues for ourselves and for those to come along after us.I for one applaud you. I had a similiar situation even before I had surgery...and before Joe.
allisonpacino 2 years ago
I met a lot of men online and of course it rarely ever went beyone a date or a couple of dates...and like you I had the " he didn't like me because I was fat" thing to stand on. I think this behavior was bad for me because it numbed me in a way...I got used to meeting people. When I met Joe I was confused and I think it was partly because I'd met so many people through the years...That coupled with my OCD causes problems with my relationship and still does at times.
allisonpacino 2 years ago
Like you I never dated when I was younger...I was well known ,but always just "the friend" and nothing more. I think once we start feeling better and looking better it's a natural thing to like the attention we get...I know I do even now. Also with all of the hormone changes after surgery it doesn't help at all lol. I should have just wrote you but I wanted to put this out there too. I hope this helps you to know that you're not alone and I am here if you need to talk ok?
allisonpacino 2 years ago
I'm not trying to give my opinion where it isn't wanted but just thought maybe I would make a suggestion. What if you sort of did what Julia Roberts did in Runaway Bride and specifically set aside a certain number of months and take that time to meet yourself including everything you like to do, don't like and who you are now before you share yourself with anybody. You deserve to have that relationship w/yourself before anybody else gets to. Thanks for your honesty. You ROCK!!!
charleighh34 2 years ago
Mandy...What courage you show by sharing this with others. Awareness and self-examination is such a big step in working on our issues and you have taken that step! Perhaps some short-term relationship counseling to help you sort through these issues so that you are able to make healthy relationship choices? Just a thought! I will keep you in my prayers!
MoodyBlueEyes 2 years ago
Brave. You're not alone.
Hell, I've never even dated.
meltingmamamelted 2 years ago
I hate to say my post op problem is alcohol AND eating. I have gained 50lbs back. And I am 45 months post op.
angeliquestarsmommy 2 years ago
you are so brave and i can tell you from private discussions that i have had with other wls peeps..you are not alone. i will speak with someone i know who is going thru this and see if she is willing to discuss..
hang in there.. i think we all sometimes feel like we crave "validation" from others, but peace comes when we can just be happy with our own validation.
<3 <3 <3
MissJanieHere 2 years ago