Parenting with Nonviolent Communication (NVC)

[MultiFallguy]

It's not a real kid, it's easy to make a fake conversion. Each time I talk to myself about a raise, I get it - with my real boss not that much.

[theocgrl48]

love this

[vidastarradio]

I think this is pretty good info. I know when I was a teen I hated being sat down and talked to by my parents. I'd pick up my clothes off of the floor just as a way to not have to hear them talking to me about whether or not I'm frustrated.

[lauriecooper59]

Wow! Talk about getting down to the core of what's happening and how everything is about meeting basic needs!  I love this! Especially the part about where you hold your child - if you think of them as defiant and obstinate - that's what you'll get!

[jeffepstein]

Wow. I think I'm a pretty good dad, but I'm a better one after this video. I have a lot more to do.

[Hostile]

Wow, this was really interesting. I'm not a parent or anything, it's just interesting to try and understand the minds of those who are still developing.

[jenortega1000]

Wonderful!

[sunshinegrateful]

Awesome advice! There's so much truth in this that I wish this way of thinking was more main-stream! Thanks for sharing. :-)

[Era1014]

This lady hit it right on the head. So glad there are others thinking out there in the interests of humanity, and communication and functioning more holistically.

it's beautiful.

[TeamInsomnia]

puppets!

[daobagua]

I can respect you and your method. Maybe I am hearing what I want to here, but what I understand is that you believe in using psychology to raise your kids and work with people. But you understand that theory of communication does not apply equally in all situations, but should be adapted to fit.

[roni221]

Ok, she has some great info in here. But the puppets are just too much. :)

[TheMetatron4444]

I understand your need for truth. Life gets confusing and it's hard to trust that anyone really cares about you. I also share your need for trust and honesty. I know that when I am scared or threatened I find it hard to always tell the truth. I have a hope that there will be a world someday that gives us a safe place to be real with each other without the fear of recrimination.

[timmyzeus]

Somebody doesnt like liberals!

[oh2love4love]

*chuckles*

[timmyzeus]

Wow you need patience with some of the people you engage on youtube. They seem to have missed the whole idea of NVC and Rosenbergs approach to Psychology. I have found the NVC teachings to be helpful in my life, yet I have discovered there is much more to us than this.

[oh2love4love]

you are not making any sense - you use the word liberal over and over and it has nothing to do with this conversation other than the fact you keep using it. this is not a political discussion and if it were you would deem yourself unworthy because you choose to be insulting. work out your anger please, life is too short to spend it being upset.

[oh2love4love]

it is true. if you believe it to be false then it will be false in your life. our life is a reflection how we behave - if we behave with hate then we will see hate and be hated - if we behave with love and kindness then we will receive love and kindness. I hope you know love soon so you can stop feeling this need to hurt everything outside of yourself and inside of yourself. blessings on your journey...

[oh2love4love]

I am sorry for your pain.

[oh2love4love]

I hope you find your life moving in a positive direction soon. you are worthy of love you know, we all are.

[oh2love4love]

my hope for you is a peaceful heart filled with love.

[daobagua]

Now enough with the anecdotal since all they do is display emotion with little valuable evidence attached.

I realize that you are very Utopian in nature, but I would not prepare my kids for what life could be but rather what it is.

And I agree that you should speak with your children like their adults and like you expect them to act like ones. I don't think it is realistic, but I think demeaning a child intellect is child abuse since it stunts their ability permanently.

[oh2love4love]

talking to a child with respect is not treating them like an adult.

all living creature deserve to be treated with respect.

[daobagua]

I would say treat them as an adult to the extent of their capability. This comment was referring to the idea that parents should demean their child for being "stupid" or making mistakes. If a child makes an outrageous claim, challenge him/her on it, but don't call them names, teach them to defend arguments and thought.

I agree all living creatures deserve some respect, but not all at an equal level. I do not respect my hairdresser as much as I respect Hawkins. And I like the taste of cows.

[daobagua]

The reason I would do this, is so when my child (purely fictional by the way lol) goes into the society, he will realizes that a similar consequence will happen if he does that to someone else. My dad did not spank or hit me often. But one time, I slammed the door on my mom, told her to fuck off and I was being very aggressive. My dad came into the room and pushed me down to the floor. Then he yelled at me, he didn't even need to hit me, but It was enough to snap me back to reality.

[oh2love4love]

again, these are innocent children we are talking about not teenagers.

[UnschoolingEagle]

What reality? The reality of totally ignoring your emotions and how come you flipped out on your mother and then un-constructively scaring you into compliance? Not too much reality there.

[daobagua]

Im confused. What comment are you referring to?

[daobagua]

The reality I am referring to is that some people will react harshly to other peoples inconsiderate nature. My dad stood up for my mom, I can not fault him for that and neither should you. What I was trying to point out is that my dad didn't beat me senseless. He simply established that he was not going to sit back and let me get away with my unjustifiable aggression.

This is how I was raised, I think I could make improvements on it, but I don't think it was a horrible method.

[UnschoolingEagle]

I am sorry, in reality if a person did that to you, you could have placed an assault charge on them. That is what I meant by reality. You cannot resort to physical aggression because of verbal taunting. Another problem is why did you react that way toward your mom. People are quick to ignore the causes of a child's misbehavior and just go to punishment.

[daobagua]

he does is wrong.

To me, what a healthy level would be, is if your kid tells her teacher to "Fuck off" then you tell your kid that this is incorrect behavior, you yell at your kid so he understands the message, and then you ground him. If he tells you to go fuck yourself or he threatens you (and teenagers do, I was one only a few years back), then you hit him. This does not mean you punch his lights out. It means you grab him, put him over your knee and spank him.

[oh2love4love]

if you respect your child while he or she is growing up then they won't be a teenager that says fuck you and act like a jerk. if you treat your kid with disrespect then you get what you gave. period, end of story. so, either you are looking to get a rise out of people or you are completely mixed up. either way I hope you find peace in your life because what you say is what you are and what you are is important.

[daobagua]

validate that statement. essentially you said that I was justified in telling my mom to fuck off. please provide evidence to your claim (prove that kids only act up in homes of disrespectful parents). Probably the reason I have grown up as well as I have, is because my parents always respected my opinion and listened to me when I expressed it. This is different from agreeing with me always.

[dustinfromak]

Wow I'm sorry to say but this "don't hit your child" thing is kind of stupid. I was given a whooping when I was wrong, and I was given a whooping when I showed disrespect. It has taught me alot about not being one of these stupid little fucking assholes out their that are my age because their parents didn't show any reprecautions of their action.

My point is there is a time and a place for this talking method. But when a kid fucks up he/she should know, not talked to death .

[TheMetatron4444]

This type of communication gets to the needs of both the child and the parent. When you got a whopping, your parents needs for control were met. I can hear that some of your needs for were not met and now it comes out in anger for children who are not whopped and hurt the way you were.

So I know for me that when I get angry it is a message that I have a need that is not being met or perhaps not even acknowledged. I suspect you have a need for equality - just a guess.

[daobagua]

Sorry for the late reply. I don't understand how you can justify a statement like that. You essentially said that he has a need to see other people beat up since he was. And your only basis was that he agrees with corporal punishment, and disagrees with you.

[UnschoolingEagle]

LoL If you have a kid telling everyone to fuck off it sounds like the parent fucked up, likely by teaching some deformed version of forced respect or because they hit their child.

[daobagua]

With respect to the comment about the kid who tells people to fuck off. I was occasionally given corporal punishments for my more severe offenses and I told my mom on one occasion in my entire life, to fuck off. Two of my friends in high school had parents who did not believe in corporal punishment. I have witnessed both of them tell their parents to fuck off multiple times.

[oh2love4love]

thank you for the reminder! :)

[chamallowbleu]

wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong!!! do it because I said so!! it's not about what the kid wants, kids need to learn boundaries and respect else they'll never learn to stand on their own two feet.

you CAN'T be friends with your kids - it will mess them up!!

[oh2love4love]

if we love and respect our children then we will want to connect with them on a deeper level. yes, they come from us, however, they are not us and they too have their own ideas and needs in this life, yes, even as small children. respecting their ideas and their needs allows them to feel and know they are loved. no where in this video is it said to not create boundaries, quite the contrary. she is creating boundaries, from a healthy loving place. blessings on your journey~

[chamallowbleu]

You shouldn't try to connect with your kid when they're being naughty, you should just draw a line. Other times are for connecting and discussing your kids ideas. And yes, of course you should try and meet their needs, but are they really the best people to judge what they need? You can't always get what you want.

[oh2love4love]

it is not about giving over control to the child. of course a child cannot & should not be responsible for things above their understanding. sometimes children are misbehaving because they are confused or upset or they simply need our attention. we live in such a hurried world & if we slow down we can see their needs are not being met & this is why they act up. we must take time to be present truly present. then we see a difference in their behavior.

[daobagua]

Don't bring the modern world into this argument, as if it is relevant. 100 years ago, corporal punishment was the norm for everything, and they didn't have the hurried world we do. I think if anything, our hurried world has improved the life of children.

Children act up for many reasons. To describe all these reasons as a need is to mute the meaning of the word need. I would say they act up (I certainly did) from greed.

[aggroskaterSTL]

A question to the NVC Academy regarding this video -

Can somebody explain why Ms. Kashtan denies that "negative attention" is a human need? It seems that attention is certainly a human need, and that negative attention fulfills that need in some way. It may not be as rewarding over the long term, but that seems like saying people don't aren't fulfilling a need by eating junk food simply because it is unhealthy, when in reality it does fulfill the larger need for food in general.

[nvcacademy]

We're defining needs as a universal quality that all people possess. We define a strategy as the way we get the need met. So, as you pointed out, using negative attention fulfills the need for attention in some way, it makes negative attention a strategy to meet the need for attention. Even if attention is a need, it is also a strategy to get other, often deeper needs met like acknowledgment, love and belonging. That's what Inbal was wanting to point out.

[nvcacademy]

We use these definitions as a way of working with needs and strategies and to help us navigate our way down to the deeper needs that often motivate us.

[aggroskaterSTL]

Thank you very much for that clear and intelligent response! Keep up the interesting work.

[fromsoiltosoul]

@aggroskaterSTL sounds like your feeling a bit frustrated with the speaker and wanting acceptance of the need for "negative attention" as a valid evaluation? the junk food anology seems to say - if i can't get what actually enriches my health, then i will just take what i can get. - kinda like the negative attention?

[nVei06]

i'm betting that her kids look at her as a complete moron. i guarantee they are absolute liars. They never and will never speak honestly. They are neighbors you do not want. Only their needs matter. Guaranteed. except their superficial acts of goodness. these are endless. She wrote an article that said a marine biologist couldn't summit edits to wikipedia, nor could a cooperation that had been interpreted on wikipedia. to me that's stunning. New York times? this is the world of evil decadents.

[oh2love4love]

how do you expect to be taken seriously when you be this way? I hope you find a place of peace and power in your life.

[gottawearshades44]

who's in charge here? did the kid ever pick up his clothes?

[oh2love4love]

that's the idea. it is called communication, teaching the child to communicate his or her feelings allows many wonderful possibilities in the child's life. do you remember what it was like to be a child and no one cared about your hurtful heart? thank goodness adults are realizing the importance of respecting these precious creatures. children deserve to be respected, how else can they learn what respect is. blessings to you~

[yunakelis]

To all parents do you know what LOLICON is? find out and be informed. On my channel under advocate videos. Sorry to advertise I'm just getting the word out. It

[passions2dreams]

When I get excited and I'm expressing myself to my kids they start to laugh and say that my face looks funny! lol - then again, many of my friends have told me I should be an actress. Go figure.

[youjones]

This is amazing. Thank you.

[daobagua]

lol "i wonder by the way i react, is it something fun to watch??" lol.

Only fun if your parents are frustrated and angry but unable to pull the switch and actually punish you. I still think a healthy level of corporate punishment is good. But it must be combined with nonagressive connecting conversations.

Good video all in all

[oh2love4love]

how would you like it if a giant came up to you & told you everything you are doing is wrong & when you do not do it his way he harshly punished you & hit you? we are like giants to these children considering our size. they love & adore us & we must meet them in a loving way. how much better would this life be if everyone treated one another with loving kindness? mistakes I have made with my own children & humans in general. thankfully there is grace & forgiveness heals. blessings~

[daobagua]

ok I am on the assumption that this post was a reply to me, so all things I say are based off that assumption.

First, Straw man augment much. You totally miscomprehended or misrepresented what I had said in my post. You then exaggerated it to the point where even I would declare that as child abuse. What I said was a healthy level, I don't know many people who would define that as beating your kid whenever he doesn't do something your way. Nor, would I condone telling your kid that everything

[oh2love4love]

the point is about our size and how children might feel intimidated by us especially if we think it is okay to hit them in response to their supposed bad behavior. no child is bad just misunderstood...most of us do not take the time to hear them, instead we label them as bad or whatever. I know I miss the mark ALOT & it is my continued desire to be more than what the adults in my childhood were to me. it is as if people grow up and forget what it was like to be a little person with no rights.

[daobagua]

I am not saying you should not strive for improvement. I just think you concept of improvement is too idealistic. I think your idea that no child is bad is fallacious and I would dare you to support that with statistics. I will disprove it with one incident. In my hometown (2300 people) a girl of the age of 12, had a boyfriend who was 21 and she convinced her boyfriend to help her kill her parents and her little brother. Isn't she just a innocent angel.

[oh2love4love]

I have nothing further to say. I didn't want to seem rude & not reply at all.

life is far more than meets ones eye... peace on your journey.

[UnschoolingEagle]

There was something wrong with her mentally or she had a horrible childhood caused likely by her parents. People aren't born bad, original sin is bullshit.

[blendedfamilynews]

Need step parenting advice? Step parenting can be easy and fun! check out my profile for helpful videos. :)

[claudelebel55]

thank you for this video.

I found it very touching.

The need for undersanding and compassion so often goes unmet.

[Igetpaiddaily]

It's always good to see good videos...

[aworriedmother]

THE END IS NEAR!

[rickiis]

Always will be grateful for your teachings, Inbal. Fun to watch this video and how quickly you model NVC. How many times I have heard, Why isn't NVC taught to children? Inbal is helping children and parents to have a more enriched lif.

[pauleestephen]

She is really good.

[mtnbikrrrr]

this is great stuff. thank you for posting.

[ParentsPartner]

Inbal is on the money.

[rickiis]

Just back from a retreat with Inbal. I value the passion and insights that Inbal shares with the world.

Rick

[RosieBCenteno]

It looks so easy and natural in this video and inspiring!

In timmyzues' comment above I noticed a recurring theme that many parents I work with (and yes, I totally admit it, me at times) act from--The misguided notion that it just takes too much time to communicate in a way that connects us with children. I've personally seen this land mine of an idea explode all over my own living room on more that one occasion.

A Natural Laws of Parenting:

Put The Time In Now Or Put The Time In Later

[SriAgustiani]

This is very good pychology's lesson. Thanks for up loading this!

[luvfoto98]

This was a great lesson. It completely hits home for me and I'll definitely be using your advice! Thanks.

[timmyzeus]

Yes and while your communicating the toast is burning the lunches are not getting made the clothes are still on the floor, the bus has gone and your late for work.

This process takes alot of time we dont always have. But I do believe its is well worth the effort when possible. Its obvious are present way of communicating isn't working.

[squidling]

dear timmyzeus,

can you imagine that in time people who relate to one another on this level develop a kind of shorthand nvc communication? that has been my experience with nvc.

nina

[oh2love4love]

time is always in the way of our quality of life isn't it? the good news is we don't have to let it be. in the video she was elaborating - I feel you though. I've been teaching myself to be present with what is, if I'm doing the dishes, walking, showering, etc. it has helped me a great deal with my over all stress levels and how I interact with others. I am a work in progress and I am thankful. blessings~

[metaldude68]

A gem! Thanks for sharing this. Do you have anymore on parenting?

[nvcacademy]

There are written materials on NVC and parenting at nonviolentcommunication dot com.

Inbal Kashtan, the trainer in this video, can be reached at baynvc dot org.

The NVC Academy has a program called NVC Live! that has regular training segments on NVC, some of which are on parenting, at nvctraining dot com.