Doug Stanhope The Aristocrats Joke

[locovassau]

Oh no

[tooldrummer]

Can't wait to see Doug on his UK stand-up tour this March!!

[davethehostage]

"I'll show you a little bit later."

[sosaysjayrod]

...and I'm a mormon

[Waynereich]

Doug would be a great dad. Honestly. I met him twice. We drank once. He is one of the most humbled, and beautiful people I have ever met. If Stanhope had a kid, he would be nothing but a good father to his son. I hope to hang with him again. He is great.

[Games]

Youtube snowflakes turn this story into a touching father son bonding moment.

[candIejac]

Oh I'm so offendHHHHHHNNNNNNNNNGGGG

[jnaggs]

Dude, that is gross. Cher?! That is crossing the line.

[luciferslight100]

excellent. im going to send a copy of this to my local baptist church, they dont have a sense of humour

[assclown2k6]

This is probably the funniest thing I have ever seen, or ever will see.

[MrHeckler11]

Ta daah fuckn awsum dougie boy

[seosamh2]

Child Protective Services in 3...2...

That may be the grossest, funniest version I've ever heard. Should have been in Provenza's movie.

[KingPHONICS]

a sensitive little boy like yourself *BOOP*

[decorumgun421]

Voltaire's Angry Glove. Fucking AWESOME. Best version of this joke ever. People who think this kid is suffering, AT ALL, get your head out of your collective ass, and read a book.

[stickybelvedere]

this is abuse

[SlipAllCityToy]

@stickybelvedere

It's not harmful, injurious, or offensive.

Nor is it abusing authority, the kid smiles at 3.52 meaning he doesn't understand anything that's said.

This is also not committing a sexual act upon the child.

It's not deceiving or misleading.

You can say whatever about the sense of humor and how disgusting it is but this is not abuse towards the child in any way.

[TheIdiotninja]

@stickybelvedere Yea well suck a dick.

[stickybelvedere]

@TheIdiotninja

shut up cunt.

youre a bitch, just end your life

[AManNamedCM2]

2:54 That face.

[lochofmceo]

If you don't find this funny you may really fuck your handicapped daughter

[newrealization12]

The baby is like WTF?



[JTJV2]

LMAO!!!

[wingnut0837]

Damn, no volume warning>??!?!  I'm deaf now. Huh?

[StepSoftlyGhost]

Easily the worst version of the aristocrats joke i've ever heard. I love how he has to tell it to a baby to make it more "controversial". If you like this, or/and you're American, please, please, please get cancer. Get it really bad. Thanks.

[MaraudingMaster]

@StepSoftlyGhost So what you're trying to say is that everyone who's an American citizen should get cancer, as well as people who like this? What an enlightened comment, yo.

[inFLUence2508]

teach it to 'em while they're young :)

[Corpseviolation666]

This joke totally makes up for what he and Rogan did to The Man Show

[mfriisk]

@Corpseviolation666 You obviously cared enough to reply.

[Corpseviolation666]

@mfriisk That's because it takes 0.2 seconds to do. Yeah, I'm really showing my concern by typing to some dipshit on the internet.

[mfriisk]

@Corpseviolation666 Whatever man, I can have whatever opinion I want to, and I dislike this shit. Now just go die in a fire.

[Corpseviolation666]

@mfriisk Then don't watch it. I'd prefer to die by suffocating in your mother's butt cheeks, thank you very much.

[Corpseviolation666]

@Corpseviolation666 Sorry to hear that, but let this be a lesson to you: next time you get the urge to preach your morals somewhere people obviously aren't going to give a shit and most likely refute your statements, leading to an argument that goes nowhere, just let it go.

[DOTRAT69]

@Corpseviolation666 ROFL Comment fail much??? you DUMB FUCK!! HAHAHA!!!

[Corpseviolation666]

@DOTRAT69 Pff, like I really give a shit

[DOTRAT69]

@Corpseviolation666 if you didn't you wouldn't of replied LOSER hahahahaha quit making an ASS out of yourself RETARD

[Corpseviolation666]

@DOTRAT69 Like I said to the other guy, typing a few words in a matter of a few seconds doesn't mean shit. How about you stop trying to make yourself feel like a better person by thinking you "pwned" somebody on the internet. You're an unoriginal jackass, and you need to find something better to do with your time. "Oooh, hahaha ROFLROFLROFLROFL!!!!!!1!!111!!­ONE!!!!!" Idiot.

[DOTRAT69]

@Corpseviolation666 maybe you should find something better to do with your time like cure cancer or aids seeing as your such a know it all but you probably already know how to reply to this comment write? know it all???

[Swonkneo]

@DOTRAT69 You need to kill yourself.

[DOTRAT69]

@Swonkneo you need to stop be a narcissistic little CUNT

[Swonkneo]

There are billions of people on this planet and you are arguing with one of them that just so happens to be enjoying the same video as you. Do you even realize that you are arguing with someone that probably has more in common with you than your own parents. You guys might be best friends if you had met in real life. You are being fucking retarded.

[DOTRAT69]

@Swonkneo HEY ASSHOLE go love yourself

[drvn8]

@DOTRAT69 hahahahaaha... what an asshole comment... i dig it.

[Waynereich]

@DOTRAT69 do some drugs



[xXLayneStaleyXx]

@Corpseviolation666 They didn't do anything to The Man Show. Producers and other waterheads did it to themselves. You want watered down, lack luster humor? They got it.

[mfriisk]

And I just want to let you know that I've reported this video.

You're a grown man.. You should know that talking like that to kids, at any age, is simply WRONG.

He might not understand, but some of your oral shit will linger with him for a long, long time.

I say again, get a fucking clue you retard.

[TaglessRussell]

@mfriisk Dougs son wont remember it because he doesn't understand it. It is generally accepted that the human brain remembers information through either understanding or repetition. (See countless debates/articles on this subject related to teaching methods) Neither are present here.

You're stating your opinion "you shouldn't talk to kids like that", and that's fair enough, but it's an opinion. Not everyone will share it - that's no need to make uneducated statements like they're facts.

[mfriisk]

@TaglessRussell

Listen, whatever your studies tell you, this video is simply disgusting.

I don't even understand how some people can find this shit funny.

It's clearly offensive material and should be removed from YouTube.

Also, I don't need an education in child psychology to know when something is morally wrong.

If I had kids, and I ever saw someone talking to them about bloody assholes and the molestation of retarded children, I would smack that person.

It's wrong, and you argue? Pfffff.

[TaglessRussell]

@mfriisk The film this is taken from "the aristocrats" was released in american cinemas. It passed certification. It's a case of context.

Saying 'It's disgusting' is your opinion, "It's funny" is mine. I will conceed that out of context, this can be offensive. That said, you've clearly found this video with no prior knowlege of Doug Stanhope or the aristocrats joke, perhaps if you'd looked into it and found the film you'd understand the context.

Google Stewart Lee's article for The Times.

[mfriisk]

@TaglessRussell

Thanks, but no thanks.

Regardless of what movie this was taken from, it's still not funny.

But really, I do not care enough to keep this discussion going.

I just wanted to air my opinion, and I cant really be bothered to neither watch a movie that promotes this kind of "humor", nor listen to someone defend it like you are.

Good day, sir.

[TaglessRussell]

@mfriisk Fair play, 'ignorence is bliss' afterall

[mfriisk]

@TaglessRussell

I wouldn't know.

It's not ignorance to find this offensive, regardless of what movie it's taken from.

If you start arguing that point as well, I'd have to say that you're the ignorant here.

[Corpseviolation666]

@mfriisk It's a fucking joke, laugh or don't. No one gives a shit what your moral opinion is.

[mfriisk]

This is fucking retarded.. Get a clue you fucking retard.

[BGH122]

3:00

Not sure if serious.

[blacknumber187]

the cameraman must of had his mouth taped up id be pissing myself laughing

[adzug]

thank you doug, i can just hear those parents saying oh how horrible! as if the kid cud understand, very funny shit

[MisterMojoJojojo]

He's a sensitive boy, like you, *boop*!

[NRock2404]

Anyone notice the buttplug in the back?

[SimplyGebus]

Fuck now i'm sad that Doug will never have kids cuz this convinced me he would be the best dad EVER!

[irishsetter1972]

The funny thing is that this kid will never remember this. And that's kind of a shame because he just heard the filthiest joke told by a comedic master and at best all he's going to take from this is, "Oh, and then I shit my pants."

[tantoedge]

2:54 - That's awesome. "Do tell, pop! Iron fist, eh? Wow!"

I love that expression.

[PhilanVortex]

After all I've heard him say about how much children are terrible, he now has a kid? I'm surprised, but maybe I'm just missing something.

[irishsetter1972]

@PhilanVortex

I'm pretty sure it's not his kid.

[PhilanVortex]

@irishsetter1972 Yeah you're right. Maybe it's like his nephew or a friend's kid. I don't know.

[shortfuse41]

@PhilanVortex Its not his, just a volunteer, dad is in the background trying not to laugh.

[winterstellar]

The best version of aristocrats on YouTube, but mine is better I'd say. My version makes this one sound almost like a girl-scouts version of it, I tell you! I'd like to upload it, but fear I would have to stay on the run from the police and most others the rest of my life..!!! It's a mean "Aristocrats", I tell you! Illegal in most parts of the planet, for sure.. So maybe in the distant future when the world will maybe be strong enough to hear it without suffering break-downs or go into shock!!:)

[james48906]

A baby is a human just smaller, get over it. No worse than fucking while the baby is in the crib right next to your bed, you fucking hippocrit whores.

[meotaku2]

That child will grow to hate him.

[GreatFox42]

Defintiely one of the best versions. A little more creative, incorporating things other than just the usual shit and rape.

[jamjar1314]

that kids face @2.52 LOL

[excrutiated]

and thats why i drink

[jamjar1314]

hahahaha....i was so pissin myself then he said 'have you seen gallagher?'

my surnames Gallagher......caught me off gaurd man haha

[n2488]

war torn beaver

[simmy3000]

I have a sneaking suspicion that mainly men like this performance, it is hilarious, even though the images are revolting he does use such colourful language and descriptions, I'm confused! haha

[jruwing87]

he's doing it right. absolutely hilarious :D

[romanpr1nce]

this is awesome

[uanequinox]

what part of this is funny??? saying this in front of a baby and filming it..this guy is just a real sick fuck..and one way or another he need to be reported..

people like him should'nt be around children ever..and yes i know the baby could'nt understand him..but just the same its still a child

[ginkgonk122]

@uanequinox Hahahhaha

[guyboxerdog]

@uanequinox Get over yourself you prick. That kid knows and will recall nothing and this is purely an act of situational travesty.

Stop trying to be offended

[GrandSpiral]

@uanequinox FUCK YOU!

[cenacantwork]

is that a butt plug in the window ledge??

[11PETE23]

If that is the baby's first memory. HahahaaahaaaahaaaaahahaHa

[slyle27]

I wonder if child services contacted Doug after this lol

[ktm016]

im not being an asshole, but i serious cant find this funny

[itsthearistocrat]

@ktm016 Thats why its funny.

[CodenameWraith]

I just watched this for the fourth time and I laughed so hard I cried.

[ElectricIndica420]

greatest joke ever

[tobo86]

Haha 2.59!

[gonzopoet00]

the fact that he is telling this to a baby is the icing on the cake

[cuntylishus]

I love his use of 'jazz hands' for the punchline :D

THE ARISTOCRATS!

[OrthodoxDarwinist]

Voltaire's angry glove!

[JoeWood4141]

Doug wins.

[Colddeed]

I still like it Gilbert Gottfried version the best. However, Doug wins extra points for having that kid in there.

[jakeenan]

@Colddeed There's not much between Gilbert and Sarah Silverman and Doug in the telling of The Aristocrats joke, but you're right, Doug has to win the award for having the kid in there. Amazing. I'll not only give you a putrid version of the gag, i'll throw a baby in there for good measure!

Gotta love the Doug!

[inthefiveonenine]

"low watt gurgler in a high-back chair" -- BAHAHHAHAHAH

[YahIDontKnow]

is that really his kid?

[CertifiedGooner729]

You gotta teach them while they're young.

[tpbdragon1]

love teh handicapped retarded gurgling daughter idea....who sings I'ma little teapot...

LFMAO

[jordo1707]

is it wrong that i have an erection?

[TheAlphaWires]

I sat thru this while eating a bowl of oatmeal and sausage franks.

Where's my medal?

[captainfarktard]

This is the best version of "The Aristocrats" EVAR!

[MrDorkusMaximus]

@captainfarktard Dood, you said what I was going to say! Beat me by three hours. Dammit!

[The1SunyD]

That kid was sweating just listening to Stanhope damn hes fucking good!!!

[GIMMEDANGERX1]

I wonder what the kids first word will be? haha

[mwillis1000]

I love the way, the baby is so interested in what he is saying!

[cloudedreason]

"big, war-torn beaver" is by far the best line in this.

[jenesaispas82]

The baby is a pretty good straight man... he seems to be learning the art of comedy attentively.

[tojern]

Someone make some lyrics of this !

[transferentkenny]

Other than Gottfried and Bob Saget (Of all people), I'm going to have to agree that Stanhope's version is the best, and of course by that, I mean the worst. His toddler son is what pushes it over the edge. A comic's job is to find the line...and cross it. And cross it, and cross it, and...  Well done.

[JovialEel]

@transferentkenny That's not Doug's child. I can't remember with any amount of certainty who's it is though.

[winterstellar]

Maybe the best Aristocrats I've heard.:)

[spieljawsfan]

People like Doug Stanhope should be put in a mental institution.  Which is why I like those kinds of people.

[komedydude]

Christ, talk about fucking insane...:)

[tontocorazon]

Holy Shit!! HA!

[explodingpuppy]

66 people like Galagher.

[Stillth3sameg]

is this guy gonna go to jail for 20 years now too? fucking unbelievable...

[TeHzoAr]

Evan Emory says hi

[ibcnunabit]

He tells this joke for shit--go listen to Gilbert Gottfried's version.

[GoodGodStopThis]

"So the boy comes out, morbidly obese. Not his fault, not even genetic.  We force feed him." hahaha

[AlaricVG]

I will never hear "If I could turn back time" the same way.

[NinjaRacoonDelta]

That kid is going to be in therapy for all of his life from cradle to grave

[robot777]

"....remember when I took you to Sea World?"

[kingnat2]

Goregrind bands have nothing on this.

[Zagardal]

good thing his not planning to have a kid then

[Jtee5893]

Give it 10 years and we'll hear about his son shooting up a school

[slyslasher]

this is the funniest shit i have ever seen!

[george182182]

this joke isn't supposed to be funny as such, its sort of a private joke told by comedians to each other. I think to demonstrate storytelling skills.

[goalmachinegoater]

Come and see this fella in Liverpool at St George's Hall on 6th April.

[JONATHAN3034]

In what way is that funny??? American "humor" I guess.

[xbfalcon351coupe]

@JONATHAN3034 Um, why did you watch it? The Aristocrats joke is old as the hills and known for its vulgarity - I don't understand why you'd watch it and then bitch about it..

[JONATHAN3034]

@xbfalcon351coupe

Why did I watch it? I saw a link to it then the title mentioned that it was a joke. Turned out is wasn't actually funny for me. I appreciate that I'm missing some of the context by not seeing previous versions.

[honestdelivery1]

@JONATHAN3034 It's French actually.

[JONATHAN3034]

@honestdelivery1

Not this unfunny version. Actually.

[honestdelivery1]

@JONATHAN3034 The original version of the joke is. The gist of the joke only really changes according to the times- like here is Stanhope talks about a wheelchair user- something that wouldn't have been talked in the 1700's. But a cock that is knotted with boils and is shaped like a shillelagh would have been all the rage. As a matter of fact.

[honestdelivery1]

@JONATHAN3034 Nationality tends to be irrelevant from what I've seen.

[spacehead854]

@JONATHAN3034 Ah yes, similar douchy nationalist comment in contrast to original douchy nationalist comment!

[kazzaflaz]

That has gotta be the sickest version of 'The Aristocrats' joke I've ever heard! (except for my fella's, which is really sick!!) BOSS version, especially telling it to the baby, STANHOPE! Keep up the hilarious work! Love it!! LOL! =D xxx

[oldfokk]

the boy was blessed with having a great father =)

[izeck]

I vote this one is the best. I'll give Bob Sag number 2.

[TransDerwinOverdrive]

...and they're playing Cher's "If I Could Turn Back Time" ROFL

[forestgibbon]

This is how we build the drama..

[evilmurderproduction]

fuck........

[EvilUncleFrank]

Doug Stanhope is like Jesus dying for our sins. He goes through life suffering from a brain sick and diseased enough to think up this shit, and he does so strictly for our giddy enjoyment. God bless you, Doug Stanhope.

[TheOtium]

Stanhope wins. 

[gcmb3790]

@lowz33, @BillHicks420 Doug did have a vesectomy. And it was his wife who had an abortion. It's his way of being eco-friendly.

[KutWrite]

The kid seems to be the right audience for this guy.

I knew a dozen like him in Jr. High.

[NATIONALCOMMUNISM666]

@KutWrite

relly cause I Knew A dozen Who where the exact Opposite.

[mrnoodleisdead]

nothing is sacred. good job doug.

[NoxieDC]

"If I could turn back time!"

[d0ck47]

Damn! This was more shocking than two girls one cup, while eating chocolate pudding and whacking off to it.

[lowz33]

I LOVE how his son is enamored while he talks about the rock salt and glass anal fisting.

[BillHicks420]

@lowz33 That`s his son??? I thought his GF had abortions, and he had a vasectomy? I`m pretty sure it`s NOT his son...?

[lowz33]

@BillHicks420 Maybe it's not but who would give this man their child???

[BillHicks420]

@lowz33 Maybe one of Doug`s friend`s, or more likely, he just nicked a kid of the street...

[DrinkSkateSleep]

HAHAHAHA this is by far the funniest one lol.

[noLuckyStrike09]

I wonder what his first words will be =).

[2009jimmy2009]

SOMETHING VERY WRONG ABOUT THIS!!!

[manimaduck]

remember when i took you to see world...yeah

[netfinder30]

@manimaduck sea

[manimaduck]

@netfinder30 whoops im an idiot....oh well

[Astrales]

what was that? that was your innocence..

[FromTheBXToTheNP]

by the way, hes scarred for life

[FromTheBXToTheNP]

...... i like how the baby gets from gurgling to interested and quiet once the joke gets more vulgar 

[Canada151337]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA hooooollllyyyy fuck xD

[fs07]

.....holy shit.....

[heedokush]

the baby prolly understood everything thats why he was fuckin creeped out ahahaha that baby is epic

[Looshkinbighead]

By far one of the best 'Aristocrats' jokes ever! Keep livin the life Doug

[djrinpoche]

The hands down winner and still champion.

[LOL4TehWinz]

Father of the year

[eerawb]

analingus....hahahahaha